Original subtitles

AGORIX: Next up, its Lot 12.

A rare import from the east in tip-top condition.

Sturdy and reliable, this big unit would work well in any modern home.

Oh, wicked, I love a slave auction.

15, that's one-five, previous owners,

but very little sign of wear and tear.

Let's just watch this guy.

Special skills include cooking, cleaning and flower arranging.

- He's also a qualified masseur. - Bloody show off!

So, let's start the bidding at 50 denarii.

Do I hear 50 denarii? Thank you, sir. 55?

55 with you, madam. I'm looking for 60.

60 denarii? 60 with you, sir.

- What are you doing? - Just having a cheeky bid.

- What for? - He can look after the horse

while I'm at work.

- 65 with you, madam. - How can we afford it?

And I'll remind you that you can pay in one lump sum

or bite-size monthly instalments.

Bite-size monthly instalments.

Back with you, well done, sir, at 70.

It's another one of your impulse purchases.

- You already bought the aubergine. - And we'll eat it.

- What do ya reckon, G-Man? - Looks like a psycho.

- What? How? - The hat, it's a psycho's hat.

The hat's the best bit, mate.

75 back with you, madam. 80, anyone?

Hold his finger, Grumio.

80, who'll give me 80? 80.

- Yes, please, I will. - 80, anyone else?

At 80, going once, going twice,

sold to the man with the big hair.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

If you'd just like to sign there. Lovely.

Great, and here is your slave.

My name is Mushki

and I look forward to serving you in any way I can.

Well, I hope you like horses.

- I'm allergic to horses. - Perfect.

But I look forward to serving you in any other way I can.

All our slaves are non-refundable as per our warranty.

Can I interest you in an insurance policy against damage or theft?

- What, theft of slaves? - Oh, yes, yes,

there have been several slave-nappings in the last few weeks,

mainly at night.

If you need insurance or a security device?

No, no we'll risk it.

May I carry your bag, sir?

- Yeah, sure, thanks. - Mmm-hmm.

- And you, sir? - I don't have a bag.

No, may I carry you, sir? On my back.

I'm extremely robust.

Yeah, sure.

- Thank you very much. - You're welcome very much.

Right.

Yah! Yah!

- All right? - Hey, guys.

Can you give me a hand? Metella's left the key inside.

I left the key inside with you.

And then I left it inside on its own. Either way we're locked out.

- Can't Landlord let you in? - For a whopping fee.

It'd be cheaper to rent another flat.

Here, let me have a go then.

This'll be good.

So.

OK.

Ahh! OK.

- Yeah, that's not gonna work. - Lf I might try, sir?

Ah, yes, he is extremely robust.

Do either of you ladies have a brooch or hairgrip I could use?

Thank you.

And then it's simply a case of...

And there we are.

- Wow! - That's amazing!

- Thanks a million. - You're welcome a million.

Oh, sorry, this is Mushki, our new slave.

Ah! Dinner is served.

Chicken stew with braised peppers and aubergine.

Ahh! See, I told you we'd eat it.

- Thank you, Mushki. - Mmm-hmm.

Aren't you going to join us?

I feel it's inappropriate for a slave to dine with his masters.

I couldn't agree more.

Oh, could you grab the salt, please?

- The salt, sir? - As you're up, it's just on the side.

Of course.

Oh, this stew is nice!

- We've never had nice food in this flat. - Much obliged, sir,

I've been told that stews are my speciality.

What would you say your speciality is, then, Grumio?

Road kill? Slop from a bin?

- Maybe, cheese rolls. - That's not cooking,

that's just you rolling up lumps of cheese with your filthy mitts.

Call 'em what you like, but they're bloody gorgeous.

Oh, yeah, that's it, right there. Yeah.

I couldn't help but notice that you enjoy your salt, sir?

Yeah, I like salt on my food.

Oh, indeed you do, you were heaping it on.

Before you'd even tasted it.

(GRUNTS)

Even though, I'd already added seasoning

to a level befitting the dish.

I'm sorry about the salt, I should have tried it first.

No, no,

you're the boss, sir.

- Let's put you to bed, shall we? - Oh, no, I do that myself.

You did. You've got me now.

- In you pop, then. - I...

Let's make you nice and comfy.

Shall we?

- Are you comfortable, sir? - Yes and no.

Good night, then.

Night, Mushki, thanks for everything.

You're welcome for everything.

- What you doing now? - Waiting for you to fall asleep.

My work's not done until you're in the land of nod.

So, shut your eyes.

- There really is no... - Shh! Shut your eyes, sir.

- MARCUS: How long did he stay there for? - I don't know, I was too scared to look.

- But he was still there in the morning. - That's dedication for you.

Oh! He's pounded the shit out of my back, I can barely shred.

Oh, you poor thing. My slave's over-massaged me.

My heart bleeds, what will he do next?

Will he over-fluff your pillows, over-suck your knob?

I think he was punishing me for putting salt on my food.

Well, you shouldn't have done, that was unbelievable stew.

You two are such babies needing slaves to run around after you.

My slave doesn't even jog, let alone run.

Anyway, don't you still live with your parents?

In a separate annex, though. I have my own door.

- But your Mum does your cooking? - Well.

- And your laundry? - Lf she's putting a load on anyway.

- And wipes your bum. - No, she doesn't do that.

- Right, so your Dad does that? - No, no one does that actually.

- No one! - What, you never wipe your bum?

- It must be grim down there! - Grim bum, grim bum.

My bum is as clean as a whistle!

Right. Though, not as tuneful I expect, Water Man.

Water Boy. Water Man, thank you.

Thank you.

Sorry to intrude,

it's Flavia's birthday on Friday

and she's demanded a spontaneous whip round for a prezzie.

Ooh! What we getting her?

Well, I don't know yet, that rather depends on the contributions.

The average so far has been around 15.

Oh! Oh! Put me down for two.

And one from me.

Well, whatever you can afford.

If she wants better gifts, she should pay better wages.

- Put me down for 40. - Oh! Marvellous!

- 40 denarii? - She's a good boss.

And I want to show my appreciation.

She won't find out who gave what, you know?

- Won't she? - No, it's done anonymously.

Still 40?

Yes, still 40.

It's called a plate, please use it.

- Not getting in your way I hope? - No, no, you do your thing.

And this is your thing, is it?

Sitting there like a pudding.

I sometimes sit outside like a pudding.

And what service do you provide?

I suppose, like, comments, trivia,

I can burp songs. Parts of songs.

Well...

I hope for your sake that's sufficient.

I've worked for enough masters to know that anyone not providing an essential service

tends to get...

...squeezed out.

- Oh! Hi! - Hey!

- Taking no chances this time. - Oh, good idea.

Thanks so much for your slave's help yesterday.

Not Grumio, the good one.

Mushki, yeah, he's great, isn't he?

Don't you think he's a bit creepy, 'cause I find him creepy.

He did seem a bit OTT, I guess.

Well, yeah, he is OTT,

if OTT stands for "Oh, that's terrific."

- Which it doesn't. - Because, the aubergine stew

he made last night was terrific.

Well, in fact, what you doing later?

Probably still trying to get into our flat.

- Why? - You should come round for dinner.

- Whoa! There's... - Shit loads of flowers.

I thought they might brighten the place up a little.

- Yeah, how much did it cost, though? - Nothing, sir.

At this time of year, the meadows are positively strewn

with gerania and croci and lilli of the valli.

Oh, also, I've made you some valerian tea, sir.

To alleviate your wretched back pain.

I fear I may have over-rubbed last night.

- Oh, right. Thanks. - Mmm-hmm.

Oh, Mushki, I invited our neighbours for dinner, is that OK?

- Sorry, it's such short notice. - Oh, no, not at all sir.

I thrive at a dinner party scenario.

I will rustle up another one of my signature stews.

- That would be magnificent. - Yes, I'll nip out and get a few more veggies.

I have befriended a local grocer who is giving me a mate's rates.

- Maybe, he's all right. - You're kidding me, the guy's incredible.

He's bloody bonkers.

Is he, Grumio? For doing the housework?

- How bonkers of him. - MUSHKl: My hat!

Oh, jove! Oh, holy jove!

- What? What's happened? - Well, there's something in my hat.

What is it?

A jobbie, sir, rather a large one.

It must have been an animal.

What kind of animal could shit in a hat?

And then hang it on a peg.

- Grumio. - What?

- You saying I shat in his hat? - Yes, I am.

- Why would I when the bog's there? - Because you don't like him

and that's the only way you know how to express yourself.

- Well, it weren't me. - Who was it then?

- Him probably. - He shat in his own hat.

He's trying to stitch me up.

He said he'd squeeze me like a sponge.

- That's not what I said, sir. - I know, Mushki.

Oh, so you gonna believe him over your own slave, are ya?

Oh, come on, Grumio. You're barely my slave.

- You've never done any actual work for me. - Is that right?

Yeah, you just can't take being shown up by someone with a bit of get up and go.

Oh, I'll show you get up and go.

- Clean the hat first. - You clean the hat!

I may still be able to wear it.

If I put it inside out.

- Not a great look. - No.

Are any of you slave-nappers?

Do you know anyone who wants to nap a slave?

Oi, mate, do you fancy napping me by any chance?

Fucking bingo.

Mmm, this is lovely.

I didn't have you down as dinner party types.

Us two, we are dinner party types.

- We love a dinner party. - This is our first one.

Yes, but now we've got someone who can actually cook, we'll have loads.

Rabbit stew with carrots and petit pois.

- Thank you, Mushki. - Mmm-hmm.

- Sorry, did you say rabbit? - I did, madam.

As in cute bunny rabbit?

Anything's cute if you put the word bunny in front of it.

- Yeah, like a bunny chicken. - Or a bunny fish.

I used to have a rabbit in Britain.

Well, I doubt it's him.

This doesn't come from Britain, does it Mushki?

This rabbit is local, sir.

I killed and skinned it myself.

The stock is made from the entrails.

Cool.

- More wine anyone? - No! No, sir.

- You've got me now. - OK.

Do you guys have any tomato sauce?

Tomato sauce, madam?

Don't you wanna try it first?

She puts it on everything.

A stew is its own sauce, madam.

I can go get some from our place if you don't have any.

No, I will grind you some myself using fresh tomatoes.

- Lf it's no hassle. - No hassle at all!

- Oh, OK, you're right, he is creepy. - Really creepy.

- Morning, sleepy socks. - Oh!

Morning, Mushki.

- You slept well last night, sir. - Yeah, not bad.

No, I'm telling you, you did.

Must have been the valerian tea, it can really knock you out.

- What's that? - I'm shaving you, sir.

- No, I'd rather do that, please. - No need, sir.

My grooming skills are somewhat celebrated.

It's been said, my masters can be identified

by the smoothness of their cheeks alone.

You've had quite a lot of masters, haven't you, Mushki?

I have indeed. 16.

- Including sir. - Oh, yeah.

- Why so many, do you think? - Well, a range of reasons.

Some wanted to travel, some needed to economise

and some...

...were fucking scum.

- I'm very happy with you, though, sir. - Oh, great, great.

And the reason for returning him?

- He's quite weird. - Weird.

OK, let me just check the warranty.

Is he fulfilling the basic functions of a slave,

cooking, cleaning etc?

- Well, yeah. - Yes, he's an amazing slave.

Has he stolen from you or a member of your household?

No.

Has he sexually molested you or a member of your household?

- No. - Not yet.

- Has he poisoned you, or a member... - Yeah, he poisoned me.

You don't look very poisoned.

He gave me a large dose of valerian tea last night.

Valerian tea, for pain relief?

- Yeah. - And how are you feeling today?

Bit better, thanks.

But I'm telling you, he's weird.

Well, weird isn't covered here, sir. You'll just have to keep the guy.

Thank you, we intend to.

If you aren't happy, you could always buy another one.

- No, we can't afford another one. - We had a lovely new batch in this morning.

- No, you're all right, thanks. - Oh, hang on.

What?

- Grumio? - All right?

- What happened here, then? - Don't know.

Must have been slave-napped.

Excuse me, this is my slave.

- He went missing last night. - Really?

Are you this man's slave?

I don't think so, I've never done any actual work for him,

- so how can I be? - Yeah, very good.

- Can I have him back, please? - No, he doesn't know you.

- Well, of course, he does. - I don't, he's a bloody chancer.

Oh, don't be like that, G-Man.

We'll be auctioning the new batch at sundown if you'd like to buy him.

- And what if I don't? - Well, I expect someone else will.

Yeah, someone who rates me.

No one will rate you, Grumio.

People don't rate farty little men who sleep during the day.

Now, either tell the truth and come with us

or stay in this cage picking your nose, it's up to you.

Oh, my...

- Yay! Happy birthday! - (ALL CLAPPING)

So, here's your present.

Oh, what a lovely surprise!

- It's from all of us. - Mainly me.

What is this?

- It's a bread bin. - I'm sorry?

A bread bin.

- I don't want that. - Right.

Because we did find it hard to choose a gift.

You know, what do you get the woman who has everything?

Well, not that.

Something else.

Yes.

We'll get something else.

We should get to the market. He won't cost much.

I'm not buying Grumio, not when I already own him

and we've got a perfectly good slave at home.

Mushki's a psycho, I promise you.

He's not a psycho, he's a softie.

- Look! He's painted our names on the wall. - In blood probably.

Welcome home, sirs, I've taken the liberty of warming your slippers on the stove.

We don't have any slippers.

And I've taken the liberty of knitting you some.

- Mushki, thanks a lot. - You're welcome a lot.

Well, in you come.

(SCREAM SOUND)

- What was that? - That's just creaking timbers, I imagine.

CYNTHIA: Help!

They can be ever so creaky.

- Is that Cynthia? - It is, yes.

- In we go, then. - Why is she shouting?

- Her gag must have slid off. - Oh, right.

Sorry, what the fuck!

You all right?

CYNTHIA: Your crackpot slave's put us in prison here.

- You didn't, did you? - I was upset after last night

so I went round to reason with them.

- OK, well, that makes sense. - But they wouldn't see reason,

- so I bound and gagged them. - That makes less sense.

Those evil witches are trying to drive us apart.

I heard what they said about me, they think I'm creepy.

No! I wonder why?

- CYNTHIA: He's a bloody loony! - Shut up! Shut your dirty mouths!

Just leave them, leave them, sirs, and they'll go away.

- Go away as in, die? - In time, yes. You don't need them, sir.

You don't need anyone, you've got me now.

- Where's the key, Mushki? - I swallowed it.

Right, when will it come out?

With my metabolism, about 10:30 tomorrow.

- CYNTHIA: Hair grip. - Right, yes.

- Use that. - Lf you insist, sir.

- OK, fine, he is mad. - Just have to...

MUSHKl: And... STYLAX: Oh...

- Untie me, right now! - Oh, shit, is that blood?

No, it's tomato sauce, that maniac started chucking it at us.

- Take Metella's gag off. - Well, all in good time.

Right, well, shall we go in then, sirs?

- Tonight's dinner is lamb hotpot. - I think we'll eat out tonight.

- We need to see a man about a man. - Right.

Do I hear 120? Thank you, madam

120 going once, going twice,

sold to the tall woman with the short husband. Thank you.

- There he is. - Next up, its lot number 56.

Hailing from a farm near Pisa,

this item goes by the name of Grumio.

- He's had just one careful owner. - Not careful enough, clearly.

- So let's start the bidding at 50 denarii. - As if anyone will pay that.

Yup, thank you, sir. 50 I have.

- Did someone just bid? - Must be a mistake.

60, thank you, that's 60.

- 70 with you, madam. - What's going on?

- Who'll offer me 80? 80? - Oh, for Jove's sake.

80, thank you, sir. Do I hear 90?

This versatile unit is extremely compact for easy storage.

Grumio is a stylish accessory

for the man or woman about town.

He's strutting, stop strutting, Grumio.

Who'll give me 100? 100. 110? 110.

- Don't bid against me. - Sorry.

Grumio can perform a variety of functions.

Wine pourer, babysitter, dog walker.

130, anyone? 130. Yes, 130.

- 140, anyone? - Yes.

140. 150? 150. 160?

270 denarii!

- I'm gonna be sick. - Our biggest sale of the day.

Well, it's nice to feel wanted.

And I assume, you'll be paying in bite-size monthly instalments again?

- We'll pay the lump sum. - Will we? How?

Well, you know, one in, one out.

I'm sorry Mushki, but it's for the best.

Please, let me stay, I can change.

You'll love your new mistress.

She's kind, she's cultured.

Yeah and we won't tell her you're a fucking lunatic.

- Oh, right. Thank you. - Mmm-hmm.

Come on then, mate. 17th time lucky.

(SIGHS)

- Was there no change from the 300? - Sadly not.

- Ta-da! - Oh, yes!

A man! That's more like it.

He's a house slave, it was Stylax's idea.

- Shredder, you shouldn't have. - No, no I really should.

My name is Mushki, I look forward to serving you in any way I can.

Oh, he's terrific!

Oh, he's lovely and pink.

- Now, who'd like some cake? - Oh, allow me, madam.

- Oh, thank you very much. - You're welcome very much.

I'm sorry I doubted you, Grumio.

- That guy was clearly insane. - You're all right.

I mean, what sort of person shits in his own hat?

No, that were me.

- Seriously? - Why did you do that?

He were a twat, so I shat in his hat.

Fair enough. By the way, this food is genuinely foul.

- Couldn't give a toss, mate. - (CHUCKLES)

Oh! Cheese roll!

Ow!

I couldn't help noticing

that madam didn't finish her sorbet.

(FLAVIA WIMPERING)

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