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1
00:00:01,240 --> 00:00:03,390
AGORIX: Next up, its Lot 12.
2
00:00:03,560 --> 00:00:06,711
A rare import from the east
in tip-top condition.
3
00:00:07,080 --> 00:00:11,870
Sturdy and reliable, this big unit
would work well in any modern home.
4
00:00:12,000 --> 00:00:14,230
Oh, wicked, I love a slave auction.
5
00:00:14,360 --> 00:00:16,874
15, that's one-five, previous owners,
6
00:00:16,960 --> 00:00:19,474
but very little sign of wear and tear.
7
00:00:19,560 --> 00:00:20,675
Let's just watch this guy.
8
00:00:20,760 --> 00:00:24,309
Special skills include cooking,
cleaning and flower arranging.
9
00:00:24,480 --> 00:00:27,074
- He's also a qualified masseur.
- Bloody show off!
10
00:00:27,160 --> 00:00:29,720
So, let's start the bidding at 50 denarii.
11
00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:32,473
Do I hear 50 denarii?
Thank you, sir. 55?
12
00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:35,518
55 with you, madam.
I'm looking for 60.
13
00:00:35,600 --> 00:00:37,670
60 denarii? 60 with you, sir.
14
00:00:37,760 --> 00:00:39,990
- What are you doing?
- Just having a cheeky bid.
15
00:00:40,080 --> 00:00:41,718
- What for?
- He can look after the horse
16
00:00:41,800 --> 00:00:42,835
while I'm at work.
17
00:00:42,920 --> 00:00:44,911
- 65 with you, madam.
- How can we afford it?
18
00:00:45,000 --> 00:00:47,514
And I'll remind you
that you can pay in one lump sum
19
00:00:47,600 --> 00:00:49,238
or bite-size monthly instalments.
20
00:00:49,440 --> 00:00:51,032
Bite-size monthly instalments.
21
00:00:51,160 --> 00:00:52,912
Back with you,
well done, sir, at 70.
22
00:00:53,000 --> 00:00:54,513
It's another one of your
impulse purchases.
23
00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:57,034
- You already bought the aubergine.
- And we'll eat it.
24
00:00:57,120 --> 00:00:59,270
- What do ya reckon, G-Man?
- Looks like a psycho.
25
00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:01,715
- What? How?
- The hat, it's a psycho's hat.
26
00:01:01,800 --> 00:01:03,756
The hat's the best bit, mate.
27
00:01:03,840 --> 00:01:06,354
75 back with you, madam.
80, anyone?
28
00:01:06,440 --> 00:01:07,555
Hold his finger, Grumio.
29
00:01:07,640 --> 00:01:09,551
80, who'll give me 80? 80.
30
00:01:09,640 --> 00:01:11,790
- Yes, please, I will.
- 80, anyone else?
31
00:01:11,880 --> 00:01:13,950
At 80, going once, going twice,
32
00:01:14,160 --> 00:01:16,276
sold to the man with the big hair.
33
00:01:18,520 --> 00:01:20,511
(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
34
00:01:21,652 --> 00:01:31,487
35
00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:34,553
If you'd just like to sign there.
Lovely.
36
00:01:34,760 --> 00:01:37,069
Great, and here is your slave.
37
00:01:37,160 --> 00:01:38,798
My name is Mushki
38
00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:41,115
and I look forward to serving you
in any way I can.
39
00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:42,872
Well, I hope you like horses.
40
00:01:42,960 --> 00:01:44,757
- I'm allergic to horses.
- Perfect.
41
00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:47,070
But I look forward to serving you
in any other way I can.
42
00:01:47,160 --> 00:01:50,311
All our slaves are non-refundable
as per our warranty.
43
00:01:50,920 --> 00:01:54,310
Can I interest you in
an insurance policy against damage or theft?
44
00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:56,635
- What, theft of slaves?
- Oh, yes, yes,
45
00:01:56,720 --> 00:01:59,109
there have been several slave-nappings
in the last few weeks,
46
00:01:59,200 --> 00:02:00,394
mainly at night.
47
00:02:00,480 --> 00:02:03,074
If you need insurance
or a security device?
48
00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:04,719
No, no we'll risk it.
49
00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:06,876
May I carry your bag, sir?
50
00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:10,392
- Yeah, sure, thanks.
- Mmm-hmm.
51
00:02:11,680 --> 00:02:13,272
- And you, sir?
- I don't have a bag.
52
00:02:13,360 --> 00:02:16,272
No, may I carry you, sir?
On my back.
53
00:02:17,040 --> 00:02:18,473
I'm extremely robust.
54
00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:20,553
Yeah, sure.
55
00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:23,718
- Thank you very much.
- You're welcome very much.
56
00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:29,514
Right.
57
00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:47,628
Yah! Yah!
58
00:02:50,240 --> 00:02:52,231
- All right?
- Hey, guys.
59
00:02:52,360 --> 00:02:54,794
Can you give me a hand?
Metella's left the key inside.
60
00:02:54,880 --> 00:02:56,518
I left the key inside with you.
61
00:02:56,600 --> 00:02:59,797
And then I left it inside on its own.
Either way we're locked out.
62
00:02:59,920 --> 00:03:02,229
- Can't Landlord let you in?
- For a whopping fee.
63
00:03:02,320 --> 00:03:04,151
It'd be cheaper to rent another flat.
64
00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:06,390
Here, let me have a go then.
65
00:03:06,480 --> 00:03:08,072
This'll be good.
66
00:03:08,800 --> 00:03:09,869
So.
67
00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:17,672
OK.
68
00:03:19,640 --> 00:03:20,993
Ahh! OK.
69
00:03:23,760 --> 00:03:27,150
- Yeah, that's not gonna work.
- Lf I might try, sir?
70
00:03:28,240 --> 00:03:30,310
Ah, yes, he is extremely robust.
71
00:03:30,760 --> 00:03:34,594
Do either of you ladies have
a brooch or hairgrip I could use?
72
00:03:36,520 --> 00:03:37,839
Thank you.
73
00:03:38,160 --> 00:03:41,118
And then it's simply a case of...
74
00:03:41,520 --> 00:03:43,556
And there we are.
75
00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:45,512
- Wow!
- That's amazing!
76
00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:47,909
- Thanks a million.
- You're welcome a million.
77
00:03:50,160 --> 00:03:53,948
Oh, sorry, this is Mushki,
our new slave.
78
00:03:58,120 --> 00:04:00,395
Ah! Dinner is served.
79
00:04:00,880 --> 00:04:03,314
Chicken stew with
braised peppers and aubergine.
80
00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:04,833
Ahh! See, I told you we'd eat it.
81
00:04:05,000 --> 00:04:06,991
- Thank you, Mushki.
- Mmm-hmm.
82
00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:08,553
Aren't you going to join us?
83
00:04:08,640 --> 00:04:12,110
I feel it's inappropriate for a slave
to dine with his masters.
84
00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:13,879
I couldn't agree more.
85
00:04:14,440 --> 00:04:16,431
Oh, could you grab the salt, please?
86
00:04:17,560 --> 00:04:20,154
- The salt, sir?
- As you're up, it's just on the side.
87
00:04:20,800 --> 00:04:22,119
Of course.
88
00:04:22,800 --> 00:04:25,678
Oh, this stew is nice!
89
00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:28,713
- We've never had nice food in this flat.
- Much obliged, sir,
90
00:04:28,800 --> 00:04:30,995
I've been told that stews
are my speciality.
91
00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:34,994
What would you say
your speciality is, then, Grumio?
92
00:04:35,080 --> 00:04:36,991
Road kill?
Slop from a bin?
93
00:04:37,080 --> 00:04:39,878
- Maybe, cheese rolls.
- That's not cooking,
94
00:04:40,000 --> 00:04:42,434
that's just you rolling up
lumps of cheese with your filthy mitts.
95
00:04:42,520 --> 00:04:45,080
Call 'em what you like,
but they're bloody gorgeous.
96
00:04:46,960 --> 00:04:49,793
Oh, yeah, that's it, right there. Yeah.
97
00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:53,955
I couldn't help but notice
that you enjoy your salt, sir?
98
00:04:54,440 --> 00:04:56,271
Yeah, I like salt on my food.
99
00:04:56,480 --> 00:04:58,675
Oh, indeed you do,
you were heaping it on.
100
00:04:59,480 --> 00:05:00,993
Before you'd even tasted it.
101
00:05:01,920 --> 00:05:03,194
(GRUNTS)
102
00:05:03,280 --> 00:05:05,794
Even though, I'd already added seasoning
103
00:05:05,880 --> 00:05:09,236
to a level befitting the dish.
104
00:05:09,320 --> 00:05:11,151
I'm sorry about the salt,
I should have tried it first.
105
00:05:11,240 --> 00:05:12,434
No, no,
106
00:05:13,400 --> 00:05:15,197
you're the boss, sir.
107
00:05:15,560 --> 00:05:17,949
- Let's put you to bed, shall we?
- Oh, no, I do that myself.
108
00:05:18,040 --> 00:05:20,395
You did.
You've got me now.
109
00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:23,028
- In you pop, then.
- I...
110
00:05:23,120 --> 00:05:26,157
Let's make you nice and comfy.
111
00:05:26,280 --> 00:05:27,633
Shall we?
112
00:05:28,960 --> 00:05:31,155
- Are you comfortable, sir?
- Yes and no.
113
00:05:31,520 --> 00:05:33,158
Good night, then.
114
00:05:34,280 --> 00:05:35,599
Night, Mushki,
thanks for everything.
115
00:05:35,680 --> 00:05:37,910
You're welcome for everything.
116
00:05:40,400 --> 00:05:42,755
- What you doing now?
- Waiting for you to fall asleep.
117
00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:45,793
My work's not done until
you're in the land of nod.
118
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:48,835
So, shut your eyes.
119
00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:52,357
- There really is no...
- Shh! Shut your eyes, sir.
120
00:06:00,280 --> 00:06:03,716
- MARCUS: How long did he stay there for?
- I don't know, I was too scared to look.
121
00:06:03,840 --> 00:06:06,354
- But he was still there in the morning.
- That's dedication for you.
122
00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:10,399
Oh! He's pounded the shit
out of my back, I can barely shred.
123
00:06:10,480 --> 00:06:13,916
Oh, you poor thing.
My slave's over-massaged me.
124
00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:15,951
My heart bleeds,
what will he do next?
125
00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:18,679
Will he over-fluff your pillows,
over-suck your knob?
126
00:06:19,400 --> 00:06:22,597
I think he was punishing me
for putting salt on my food.
127
00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:25,758
Well, you shouldn't have done,
that was unbelievable stew.
128
00:06:25,920 --> 00:06:29,435
You two are such babies needing
slaves to run around after you.
129
00:06:29,520 --> 00:06:31,715
My slave doesn't even jog,
let alone run.
130
00:06:32,040 --> 00:06:33,519
Anyway, don't you still
live with your parents?
131
00:06:33,600 --> 00:06:35,511
In a separate annex, though.
I have my own door.
132
00:06:35,640 --> 00:06:37,119
- But your Mum does your cooking?
- Well.
133
00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:39,236
- And your laundry?
- Lf she's putting a load on anyway.
134
00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:40,912
- And wipes your bum.
- No, she doesn't do that.
135
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:43,514
- Right, so your Dad does that?
- No, no one does that actually.
136
00:06:43,600 --> 00:06:45,158
- No one!
- What, you never wipe your bum?
137
00:06:45,240 --> 00:06:47,595
- It must be grim down there!
- Grim bum, grim bum.
138
00:06:47,680 --> 00:06:49,750
My bum is as clean as a whistle!
139
00:06:50,480 --> 00:06:53,472
Right. Though, not as tuneful
I expect, Water Man.
140
00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:55,471
Water Boy.
Water Man, thank you.
141
00:06:56,440 --> 00:06:57,759
Thank you.
142
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:01,353
Sorry to intrude,
143
00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:03,431
it's Flavia's birthday on Friday
144
00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:06,318
and she's demanded a spontaneous
whip round for a prezzie.
145
00:07:06,440 --> 00:07:07,759
Ooh! What we getting her?
146
00:07:07,840 --> 00:07:10,798
Well, I don't know yet, that rather
depends on the contributions.
147
00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:12,871
The average so far
has been around 15.
148
00:07:12,960 --> 00:07:16,316
Oh! Oh! Put me down for two.
149
00:07:16,600 --> 00:07:18,955
And one from me.
150
00:07:19,360 --> 00:07:20,918
Well, whatever you can afford.
151
00:07:21,000 --> 00:07:23,594
If she wants better gifts,
she should pay better wages.
152
00:07:23,720 --> 00:07:26,837
- Put me down for 40.
- Oh! Marvellous!
153
00:07:27,080 --> 00:07:28,991
- 40 denarii?
- She's a good boss.
154
00:07:29,280 --> 00:07:31,271
And I want to show my appreciation.
155
00:07:31,400 --> 00:07:33,960
She won't find out who gave what, you know?
156
00:07:34,400 --> 00:07:36,675
- Won't she?
- No, it's done anonymously.
157
00:07:37,560 --> 00:07:38,834
Still 40?
158
00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:43,119
Yes, still 40.
159
00:08:06,440 --> 00:08:08,954
It's called a plate, please use it.
160
00:08:18,080 --> 00:08:21,277
- Not getting in your way I hope?
- No, no, you do your thing.
161
00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:23,192
And this is your thing, is it?
162
00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:26,154
Sitting there like a pudding.
163
00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:29,233
I sometimes sit outside like a pudding.
164
00:08:30,320 --> 00:08:32,709
And what service do you provide?
165
00:08:33,320 --> 00:08:35,629
I suppose, like, comments, trivia,
166
00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:38,634
I can burp songs. Parts of songs.
167
00:08:39,560 --> 00:08:40,788
Well...
168
00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:43,636
I hope for your sake that's sufficient.
169
00:08:44,120 --> 00:08:47,874
I've worked for enough masters to know
that anyone not providing an essential service
170
00:08:47,960 --> 00:08:49,473
tends to get...
171
00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:52,553
...squeezed out.
172
00:09:09,000 --> 00:09:11,912
- Oh! Hi!
- Hey!
173
00:09:12,560 --> 00:09:15,074
- Taking no chances this time.
- Oh, good idea.
174
00:09:15,280 --> 00:09:17,555
Thanks so much for
your slave's help yesterday.
175
00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,312
Not Grumio, the good one.
176
00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:20,958
Mushki, yeah, he's great, isn't he?
177
00:09:21,040 --> 00:09:23,600
Don't you think he's a bit creepy,
'cause I find him creepy.
178
00:09:23,680 --> 00:09:26,035
He did seem a bit OTT, I guess.
179
00:09:26,120 --> 00:09:27,951
Well, yeah, he is OTT,
180
00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:31,829
if OTT stands for "Oh, that's terrific."
181
00:09:32,160 --> 00:09:33,832
- Which it doesn't.
- Because, the aubergine stew
182
00:09:33,920 --> 00:09:35,035
he made last night was terrific.
183
00:09:35,120 --> 00:09:37,236
Well, in fact, what you doing later?
184
00:09:37,440 --> 00:09:39,237
Probably still trying to get into our flat.
185
00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:41,231
- Why?
- You should come round for dinner.
186
00:09:49,160 --> 00:09:51,993
- Whoa! There's...
- Shit loads of flowers.
187
00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:54,475
I thought they might
brighten the place up a little.
188
00:09:54,560 --> 00:09:57,518
- Yeah, how much did it cost, though?
- Nothing, sir.
189
00:09:57,800 --> 00:10:00,678
At this time of year, the meadows
are positively strewn
190
00:10:00,840 --> 00:10:04,799
with gerania and croci and lilli of the valli.
191
00:10:05,120 --> 00:10:08,954
Oh, also, I've made you
some valerian tea, sir.
192
00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:12,113
To alleviate your wretched back pain.
193
00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:15,397
I fear I may have over-rubbed last night.
194
00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:18,394
- Oh, right. Thanks.
- Mmm-hmm.
195
00:10:18,560 --> 00:10:20,994
Oh, Mushki, I invited our neighbours
for dinner, is that OK?
196
00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:23,435
- Sorry, it's such short notice.
- Oh, no, not at all sir.
197
00:10:23,520 --> 00:10:25,431
I thrive at a dinner party scenario.
198
00:10:25,560 --> 00:10:27,949
I will rustle up another
one of my signature stews.
199
00:10:28,040 --> 00:10:30,998
- That would be magnificent.
- Yes, I'll nip out and get a few more veggies.
200
00:10:31,080 --> 00:10:35,039
I have befriended a local grocer
who is giving me a mate's rates.
201
00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:42,276
- Maybe, he's all right.
- You're kidding me, the guy's incredible.
202
00:10:42,400 --> 00:10:43,719
He's bloody bonkers.
203
00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:45,791
Is he, Grumio?
For doing the housework?
204
00:10:45,960 --> 00:10:48,110
- How bonkers of him.
- MUSHKl: My hat!
205
00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:50,668
Oh, jove! Oh, holy jove!
206
00:10:50,760 --> 00:10:52,955
- What? What's happened?
- Well, there's something in my hat.
207
00:10:53,040 --> 00:10:54,155
What is it?
208
00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:56,800
A jobbie, sir, rather a large one.
209
00:10:56,880 --> 00:10:57,949
It must have been an animal.
210
00:10:58,040 --> 00:10:59,996
What kind of animal could shit in a hat?
211
00:11:00,240 --> 00:11:01,719
And then hang it on a peg.
212
00:11:03,560 --> 00:11:05,073
- Grumio.
- What?
213
00:11:06,320 --> 00:11:08,470
- You saying I shat in his hat?
- Yes, I am.
214
00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:11,034
- Why would I when the bog's there?
- Because you don't like him
215
00:11:11,120 --> 00:11:13,076
and that's the only way
you know how to express yourself.
216
00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:15,037
- Well, it weren't me.
- Who was it then?
217
00:11:15,400 --> 00:11:18,756
- Him probably.
- He shat in his own hat.
218
00:11:19,120 --> 00:11:20,599
He's trying to stitch me up.
219
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,875
He said he'd squeeze me
like a sponge.
220
00:11:22,960 --> 00:11:25,554
- That's not what I said, sir.
- I know, Mushki.
221
00:11:26,000 --> 00:11:28,878
Oh, so you gonna believe him
over your own slave, are ya?
222
00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:31,235
Oh, come on, Grumio.
You're barely my slave.
223
00:11:31,400 --> 00:11:33,868
- You've never done any actual work for me.
- Is that right?
224
00:11:34,000 --> 00:11:36,912
Yeah, you just can't take being shown up
by someone with a bit of get up and go.
225
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:40,231
Oh, I'll show you get up and go.
226
00:11:40,640 --> 00:11:42,631
- Clean the hat first.
- You clean the hat!
227
00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:46,518
I may still be able to wear it.
228
00:11:47,320 --> 00:11:49,151
If I put it inside out.
229
00:11:52,240 --> 00:11:53,468
- Not a great look.
- No.
230
00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:00,955
Are any of you slave-nappers?
231
00:12:01,280 --> 00:12:03,840
Do you know anyone
who wants to nap a slave?
232
00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:14,433
Oi, mate, do you fancy
napping me by any chance?
233
00:12:25,560 --> 00:12:27,198
Fucking bingo.
234
00:12:35,584 --> 00:12:37,302
Mmm, this is lovely.
235
00:12:37,384 --> 00:12:39,340
I didn't have you down
as dinner party types.
236
00:12:39,424 --> 00:12:40,903
Us two, we are dinner party types.
237
00:12:40,984 --> 00:12:43,179
- We love a dinner party.
- This is our first one.
238
00:12:43,264 --> 00:12:46,734
Yes, but now we've got someone
who can actually cook, we'll have loads.
239
00:12:46,824 --> 00:12:50,214
Rabbit stew with carrots
and petit pois.
240
00:12:50,424 --> 00:12:52,380
- Thank you, Mushki.
- Mmm-hmm.
241
00:12:52,624 --> 00:12:55,536
- Sorry, did you say rabbit?
- I did, madam.
242
00:12:55,784 --> 00:12:57,581
As in cute bunny rabbit?
243
00:12:58,384 --> 00:13:00,579
Anything's cute if you put
the word bunny in front of it.
244
00:13:00,664 --> 00:13:03,940
- Yeah, like a bunny chicken.
- Or a bunny fish.
245
00:13:04,384 --> 00:13:06,102
I used to have a rabbit in Britain.
246
00:13:06,184 --> 00:13:07,378
Well, I doubt it's him.
247
00:13:07,504 --> 00:13:09,176
This doesn't come from Britain,
does it Mushki?
248
00:13:09,264 --> 00:13:11,573
This rabbit is local, sir.
249
00:13:11,704 --> 00:13:14,059
I killed and skinned it myself.
250
00:13:14,184 --> 00:13:16,095
The stock is made from the entrails.
251
00:13:18,344 --> 00:13:19,459
Cool.
252
00:13:19,624 --> 00:13:22,934
- More wine anyone?
- No! No, sir.
253
00:13:23,584 --> 00:13:25,575
- You've got me now.
- OK.
254
00:13:27,544 --> 00:13:29,978
Do you guys have any tomato sauce?
255
00:13:31,464 --> 00:13:33,341
Tomato sauce, madam?
256
00:13:33,544 --> 00:13:35,262
Don't you wanna try it first?
257
00:13:35,344 --> 00:13:37,016
She puts it on everything.
258
00:13:37,104 --> 00:13:40,892
A stew is its own sauce, madam.
259
00:13:41,584 --> 00:13:43,734
I can go get some from
our place if you don't have any.
260
00:13:43,824 --> 00:13:48,375
No, I will grind you some
myself using fresh tomatoes.
261
00:13:52,104 --> 00:13:55,221
- Lf it's no hassle.
- No hassle at all!
262
00:13:56,304 --> 00:13:59,296
- Oh, OK, you're right, he is creepy.
- Really creepy.
263
00:14:14,704 --> 00:14:16,899
- Morning, sleepy socks.
- Oh!
264
00:14:18,744 --> 00:14:20,143
Morning, Mushki.
265
00:14:20,224 --> 00:14:22,419
- You slept well last night, sir.
- Yeah, not bad.
266
00:14:22,504 --> 00:14:23,937
No, I'm telling you, you did.
267
00:14:24,024 --> 00:14:26,857
Must have been the valerian tea,
it can really knock you out.
268
00:14:27,024 --> 00:14:28,616
- What's that?
- I'm shaving you, sir.
269
00:14:28,704 --> 00:14:31,059
- No, I'd rather do that, please.
- No need, sir.
270
00:14:31,224 --> 00:14:34,500
My grooming skills
are somewhat celebrated.
271
00:14:34,624 --> 00:14:37,502
It's been said,
my masters can be identified
272
00:14:37,704 --> 00:14:40,377
by the smoothness
of their cheeks alone.
273
00:14:46,184 --> 00:14:48,334
You've had quite a lot of masters,
haven't you, Mushki?
274
00:14:48,664 --> 00:14:51,053
I have indeed. 16.
275
00:14:51,504 --> 00:14:53,495
- Including sir.
- Oh, yeah.
276
00:14:54,904 --> 00:14:58,021
- Why so many, do you think?
- Well, a range of reasons.
277
00:14:58,384 --> 00:15:01,421
Some wanted to travel,
some needed to economise
278
00:15:01,544 --> 00:15:02,897
and some...
279
00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:06,462
...were fucking scum.
280
00:15:08,744 --> 00:15:11,781
- I'm very happy with you, though, sir.
- Oh, great, great.
281
00:15:13,184 --> 00:15:15,414
And the reason for returning him?
282
00:15:15,624 --> 00:15:18,058
- He's quite weird.
- Weird.
283
00:15:18,424 --> 00:15:21,382
OK, let me just
check the warranty.
284
00:15:21,544 --> 00:15:25,014
Is he fulfilling
the basic functions of a slave,
285
00:15:25,104 --> 00:15:26,332
cooking, cleaning etc?
286
00:15:26,424 --> 00:15:28,176
- Well, yeah.
- Yes, he's an amazing slave.
287
00:15:28,264 --> 00:15:30,698
Has he stolen from you
or a member of your household?
288
00:15:30,784 --> 00:15:31,819
No.
289
00:15:31,904 --> 00:15:33,974
Has he sexually molested you
or a member of your household?
290
00:15:34,064 --> 00:15:35,383
- No.
- Not yet.
291
00:15:35,464 --> 00:15:38,581
- Has he poisoned you, or a member...
- Yeah, he poisoned me.
292
00:15:38,664 --> 00:15:39,938
You don't look very poisoned.
293
00:15:40,024 --> 00:15:42,618
He gave me a large dose
of valerian tea last night.
294
00:15:42,744 --> 00:15:45,099
Valerian tea, for pain relief?
295
00:15:45,864 --> 00:15:48,094
- Yeah.
- And how are you feeling today?
296
00:15:48,504 --> 00:15:49,619
Bit better, thanks.
297
00:15:49,784 --> 00:15:51,615
But I'm telling you, he's weird.
298
00:15:51,704 --> 00:15:54,980
Well, weird isn't covered here, sir.
You'll just have to keep the guy.
299
00:15:55,144 --> 00:15:56,213
Thank you, we intend to.
300
00:15:56,304 --> 00:15:58,772
If you aren't happy,
you could always buy another one.
301
00:15:58,864 --> 00:16:01,776
- No, we can't afford another one.
- We had a lovely new batch in this morning.
302
00:16:01,864 --> 00:16:04,424
- No, you're all right, thanks.
- Oh, hang on.
303
00:16:05,864 --> 00:16:06,979
What?
304
00:16:09,664 --> 00:16:11,780
- Grumio?
- All right?
305
00:16:12,104 --> 00:16:14,015
- What happened here, then?
- Don't know.
306
00:16:14,264 --> 00:16:16,016
Must have been slave-napped.
307
00:16:16,104 --> 00:16:17,901
Excuse me, this is my slave.
308
00:16:17,984 --> 00:16:19,576
- He went missing last night.
- Really?
309
00:16:19,664 --> 00:16:21,655
Are you this man's slave?
310
00:16:21,744 --> 00:16:24,702
I don't think so, I've never done
any actual work for him,
311
00:16:24,784 --> 00:16:27,059
- so how can I be?
- Yeah, very good.
312
00:16:27,144 --> 00:16:29,817
- Can I have him back, please?
- No, he doesn't know you.
313
00:16:29,984 --> 00:16:32,100
- Well, of course, he does.
- I don't, he's a bloody chancer.
314
00:16:32,184 --> 00:16:33,503
Oh, don't be like that, G-Man.
315
00:16:33,584 --> 00:16:36,417
We'll be auctioning the new batch
at sundown if you'd like to buy him.
316
00:16:36,504 --> 00:16:39,098
- And what if I don't?
- Well, I expect someone else will.
317
00:16:39,184 --> 00:16:40,697
Yeah, someone who rates me.
318
00:16:40,784 --> 00:16:42,502
No one will rate you, Grumio.
319
00:16:42,584 --> 00:16:45,462
People don't rate farty little men
who sleep during the day.
320
00:16:45,584 --> 00:16:47,415
Now, either tell the truth
and come with us
321
00:16:47,504 --> 00:16:50,143
or stay in this cage picking your nose,
it's up to you.
322
00:16:52,744 --> 00:16:54,097
Oh, my...
323
00:17:00,784 --> 00:17:03,537
- Yay! Happy birthday!
- (ALL CLAPPING)
324
00:17:03,944 --> 00:17:05,263
So, here's your present.
325
00:17:05,344 --> 00:17:08,859
Oh, what a lovely surprise!
326
00:17:09,064 --> 00:17:11,020
- It's from all of us.
- Mainly me.
327
00:17:20,784 --> 00:17:21,978
What is this?
328
00:17:22,344 --> 00:17:24,539
- It's a bread bin.
- I'm sorry?
329
00:17:25,544 --> 00:17:26,943
A bread bin.
330
00:17:29,744 --> 00:17:31,814
- I don't want that.
- Right.
331
00:17:32,184 --> 00:17:34,652
Because we did find it
hard to choose a gift.
332
00:17:35,024 --> 00:17:37,492
You know, what do you get
the woman who has everything?
333
00:17:37,584 --> 00:17:39,097
Well, not that.
334
00:17:39,584 --> 00:17:41,097
Something else.
335
00:17:41,664 --> 00:17:42,733
Yes.
336
00:17:43,464 --> 00:17:45,216
We'll get something else.
337
00:17:51,544 --> 00:17:54,012
We should get to the market.
He won't cost much.
338
00:17:54,104 --> 00:17:56,937
I'm not buying Grumio,
not when I already own him
339
00:17:57,024 --> 00:17:58,662
and we've got a perfectly
good slave at home.
340
00:17:58,744 --> 00:18:00,894
Mushki's a psycho, I promise you.
341
00:18:00,984 --> 00:18:02,815
He's not a psycho, he's a softie.
342
00:18:02,904 --> 00:18:06,340
- Look! He's painted our names on the wall.
- In blood probably.
343
00:18:06,584 --> 00:18:09,815
Welcome home, sirs, I've taken the liberty
of warming your slippers on the stove.
344
00:18:09,904 --> 00:18:10,939
We don't have any slippers.
345
00:18:11,024 --> 00:18:13,379
And I've taken the liberty
of knitting you some.
346
00:18:13,624 --> 00:18:16,092
- Mushki, thanks a lot.
- You're welcome a lot.
347
00:18:16,224 --> 00:18:17,657
Well, in you come.
348
00:18:18,024 --> 00:18:19,503
(SCREAM SOUND)
349
00:18:19,584 --> 00:18:22,974
- What was that?
- That's just creaking timbers, I imagine.
350
00:18:23,104 --> 00:18:24,253
CYNTHIA: Help!
351
00:18:24,344 --> 00:18:25,777
They can be ever so creaky.
352
00:18:25,864 --> 00:18:27,343
- Is that Cynthia?
- It is, yes.
353
00:18:27,424 --> 00:18:29,096
- In we go, then.
- Why is she shouting?
354
00:18:29,184 --> 00:18:31,982
- Her gag must have slid off.
- Oh, right.
355
00:18:32,344 --> 00:18:34,175
Sorry, what the fuck!
356
00:18:35,744 --> 00:18:36,779
You all right?
357
00:18:36,864 --> 00:18:39,662
CYNTHIA: Your crackpot slave's
put us in prison here.
358
00:18:39,904 --> 00:18:42,099
- You didn't, did you?
- I was upset after last night
359
00:18:42,184 --> 00:18:43,333
so I went round to reason with them.
360
00:18:43,424 --> 00:18:45,619
- OK, well, that makes sense.
- But they wouldn't see reason,
361
00:18:45,704 --> 00:18:48,013
- so I bound and gagged them.
- That makes less sense.
362
00:18:48,104 --> 00:18:50,743
Those evil witches
are trying to drive us apart.
363
00:18:50,984 --> 00:18:53,578
I heard what they said about me,
they think I'm creepy.
364
00:18:53,664 --> 00:18:55,461
No! I wonder why?
365
00:18:55,544 --> 00:18:58,775
- CYNTHIA: He's a bloody loony!
- Shut up! Shut your dirty mouths!
366
00:18:58,944 --> 00:19:02,380
Just leave them, leave them, sirs,
and they'll go away.
367
00:19:02,744 --> 00:19:07,056
- Go away as in, die?
- In time, yes. You don't need them, sir.
368
00:19:07,264 --> 00:19:08,583
You don't need anyone,
you've got me now.
369
00:19:08,664 --> 00:19:11,098
- Where's the key, Mushki?
- I swallowed it.
370
00:19:11,424 --> 00:19:13,255
Right, when will it come out?
371
00:19:13,584 --> 00:19:15,620
With my metabolism,
about 10:30 tomorrow.
372
00:19:16,184 --> 00:19:18,493
- CYNTHIA: Hair grip.
- Right, yes.
373
00:19:18,664 --> 00:19:21,258
- Use that.
- Lf you insist, sir.
374
00:19:24,464 --> 00:19:26,694
- OK, fine, he is mad.
- Just have to...
375
00:19:26,944 --> 00:19:29,299
MUSHKl: And...
STYLAX: Oh...
376
00:19:29,544 --> 00:19:32,104
- Untie me, right now!
- Oh, shit, is that blood?
377
00:19:32,184 --> 00:19:35,972
No, it's tomato sauce,
that maniac started chucking it at us.
378
00:19:36,184 --> 00:19:39,540
- Take Metella's gag off.
- Well, all in good time.
379
00:19:39,984 --> 00:19:42,293
Right, well,
shall we go in then, sirs?
380
00:19:42,384 --> 00:19:45,660
- Tonight's dinner is lamb hotpot.
- I think we'll eat out tonight.
381
00:19:45,744 --> 00:19:48,622
- We need to see a man about a man.
- Right.
382
00:19:50,624 --> 00:19:53,377
Do I hear 120?
Thank you, madam
383
00:19:53,464 --> 00:19:55,694
120 going once, going twice,
384
00:19:56,224 --> 00:19:59,375
sold to the tall woman
with the short husband. Thank you.
385
00:19:59,944 --> 00:20:03,493
- There he is.
- Next up, its lot number 56.
386
00:20:03,784 --> 00:20:06,093
Hailing from a farm near Pisa,
387
00:20:06,184 --> 00:20:08,698
this item goes
by the name of Grumio.
388
00:20:09,184 --> 00:20:12,654
- He's had just one careful owner.
- Not careful enough, clearly.
389
00:20:12,944 --> 00:20:17,415
- So let's start the bidding at 50 denarii.
- As if anyone will pay that.
390
00:20:17,864 --> 00:20:20,139
Yup, thank you, sir.
50 I have.
391
00:20:20,504 --> 00:20:22,620
- Did someone just bid?
- Must be a mistake.
392
00:20:22,744 --> 00:20:24,655
60, thank you, that's 60.
393
00:20:24,744 --> 00:20:26,700
- 70 with you, madam.
- What's going on?
394
00:20:26,784 --> 00:20:30,299
- Who'll offer me 80? 80?
- Oh, for Jove's sake.
395
00:20:30,704 --> 00:20:33,457
80, thank you, sir.
Do I hear 90?
396
00:20:33,704 --> 00:20:37,333
This versatile unit is extremely
compact for easy storage.
397
00:20:38,624 --> 00:20:40,694
Grumio is a stylish accessory
398
00:20:40,784 --> 00:20:42,661
for the man or woman
about town.
399
00:20:42,984 --> 00:20:45,452
He's strutting,
stop strutting, Grumio.
400
00:20:45,544 --> 00:20:49,583
Who'll give me 100?
100. 110? 110.
401
00:20:49,664 --> 00:20:51,814
- Don't bid against me.
- Sorry.
402
00:20:51,904 --> 00:20:54,702
Grumio can perform
a variety of functions.
403
00:20:55,064 --> 00:20:59,262
Wine pourer, babysitter, dog walker.
404
00:20:59,864 --> 00:21:02,822
130, anyone?
130. Yes, 130.
405
00:21:02,904 --> 00:21:04,895
- 140, anyone?
- Yes.
406
00:21:04,984 --> 00:21:06,861
140. 150? 150. 160?
407
00:21:06,944 --> 00:21:09,060
270 denarii!
408
00:21:09,664 --> 00:21:12,701
- I'm gonna be sick.
- Our biggest sale of the day.
409
00:21:12,864 --> 00:21:14,741
Well, it's nice to feel wanted.
410
00:21:14,984 --> 00:21:17,782
And I assume, you'll be paying
in bite-size monthly instalments again?
411
00:21:17,864 --> 00:21:20,617
- We'll pay the lump sum.
- Will we? How?
412
00:21:20,704 --> 00:21:23,093
Well, you know, one in, one out.
413
00:21:25,344 --> 00:21:26,982
I'm sorry Mushki,
but it's for the best.
414
00:21:27,064 --> 00:21:29,214
Please, let me stay,
I can change.
415
00:21:29,304 --> 00:21:31,056
You'll love your new mistress.
416
00:21:31,144 --> 00:21:33,180
She's kind, she's cultured.
417
00:21:33,264 --> 00:21:35,903
Yeah and we won't tell her
you're a fucking lunatic.
418
00:21:36,664 --> 00:21:39,417
- Oh, right. Thank you.
- Mmm-hmm.
419
00:21:40,304 --> 00:21:42,454
Come on then, mate.
17th time lucky.
420
00:21:42,784 --> 00:21:43,978
(SIGHS)
421
00:21:44,264 --> 00:21:47,222
- Was there no change from the 300?
- Sadly not.
422
00:21:48,504 --> 00:21:51,496
- Ta-da!
- Oh, yes!
423
00:21:52,304 --> 00:21:55,421
A man! That's more like it.
424
00:21:55,824 --> 00:21:58,816
He's a house slave,
it was Stylax's idea.
425
00:21:59,304 --> 00:22:01,818
- Shredder, you shouldn't have.
- No, no I really should.
426
00:22:01,904 --> 00:22:05,340
My name is Mushki, I look forward
to serving you in any way I can.
427
00:22:05,464 --> 00:22:07,341
Oh, he's terrific!
428
00:22:08,664 --> 00:22:10,655
Oh, he's lovely and pink.
429
00:22:11,104 --> 00:22:14,653
- Now, who'd like some cake?
- Oh, allow me, madam.
430
00:22:14,904 --> 00:22:17,543
- Oh, thank you very much.
- You're welcome very much.
431
00:22:21,904 --> 00:22:23,337
I'm sorry I doubted you, Grumio.
432
00:22:23,424 --> 00:22:25,813
- That guy was clearly insane.
- You're all right.
433
00:22:26,024 --> 00:22:28,413
I mean, what sort of person
shits in his own hat?
434
00:22:28,944 --> 00:22:30,582
No, that were me.
435
00:22:31,184 --> 00:22:32,856
- Seriously?
- Why did you do that?
436
00:22:33,184 --> 00:22:35,300
He were a twat,
so I shat in his hat.
437
00:22:36,984 --> 00:22:40,021
Fair enough. By the way,
this food is genuinely foul.
438
00:22:40,464 --> 00:22:43,137
- Couldn't give a toss, mate.
- (CHUCKLES)
439
00:22:44,624 --> 00:22:46,296
Oh! Cheese roll!
440
00:22:47,864 --> 00:22:48,899
Ow!
441
00:22:50,744 --> 00:22:52,814
I couldn't help noticing
442
00:22:53,344 --> 00:22:56,416
that madam didn't finish her sorbet.
443
00:22:58,784 --> 00:23:00,217
(FLAVIA WIMPERING)
444
00:23:02,273 --> 00:23:12,375
445
00:23:12,425 --> 00:23:16,975
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