Original subtitles

The seas will rise up and drown the people living in the lowlands.

Doughnuts! And the sun shall beat down,

and burn all those people living in the hills.

Doughnuts! And those people living on the lands that are neither high nor low

will also die through a combination of burning and drowning.

None of you are safe. The end is nigh.

Come get your doughnuts!

So... When's the world ending?

Oh, I dunno. I were listening to that doughnut guy.

Nigh, apparently. Oh, right. Nigh.

Hang on, doesn't that mean soon? Well, yeah. To the people that say it, it means soon.

To everyone else, it means you're a nutter talking shit.

I'm gonna get a doughnut, just in case.

If the world did end, I'd be bloody miffed.

I've got so much to give.

I dunno. I can see the appeal of oblivion.

At least everyone would shut up.

We're just broke single dickheads, anyway. What have we got to live for?

Mate, you dunno what you're talking about. The future is gonna be peachy as shit.

Yeah? You think? Yeah, I do think.

We'll get a new flat, climb the corporate ladder.

You'll get with Cynthia, I'll get with everybody else.

And when's this happening, exactly?

Well, I don't know when exactly, but it is nigh.

It's really fucking nigh.

How's the doughnut, then? Oh, nasty. Don't like it.

But you gonna finish it? Oh, yeah.

Hey, guys! Isn't this wicked?

Look at all the Saturnalia stuff we've bought. Oh, brilliant.

What have you got? So far, we've got a set of wooden eggs

and some tiny straw animals.

Just the essentials. Mets, look! Wind chimes!

We do need some wind chimes. But, of course.

Shit! I'm so sorry. Are you all right?

You bloody fool! I'm really sorry.

It was an accident. Before the year's out, you'll have an accident of your own.

What? Really? All right. She said she was sorry.

Do you want some? No, thank you.

Wow, that was creepy. Nah, it's probably fine.

Earlier, she was banging on about the end of the world. She's just a real wet blanket.

Right, yeah.

Mad old trout.

Midnight, tomorrow, my friend.

That's when it's nigh. That's when people lose their shit.

OK. In a good way? Yeah. You'll finally get with Cynthia.

Apparently, everyone rams into the Forum for the countdown and the gong banging.

Then, all the girls gruffle whoever they're next to.

Why would they do that? I dunno.

Carnival atmosphere? Moment of madness cos it's cold? Who cares?

It's no longer about who you are, it's about where you stand.

Let me get this straight. A hideous dog-man could snog a really hot babe just by standing next to her?

Well, come along and we'll test it out. Oh, very funny. Not.

I'm busy. At Saturnalia, I always volunteer at a homeless shelter. Wow. Wowzer.

I did not know that. What do you do? I give them food, a bath, a warm bed for the night.

Why is it warm? Are you in the bed? Ha, no.

Do you cuddle them in the bed? Of course I don't.

So, you fuck them warm? What? Oh, my God.

I don't get it. If you don't cuddle them - I do not fuck the homeless warm!

Well, good. You'd think they'd suffered enough.

Can I have this in a larger font? It's giving me a headache.

To clarify, I work at a homeless shelter at Saturnalia.

It's not a sex arrangement. How noble of you.

I'd love to do something like that but I worry I'd hate it.

And, alas, I can't. It's my annual Saturnalia bash.

I have gone a bit overboard this year.

Really? Who's going? Friends, colleagues, waifs and strays, people I actively despise.

Pretty much everyone I've ever met.

I mean, how do we not fit into one of those groups?

Salve, Grumio. Compliments of the season to you.

Cheers. By the way, Marcus said I had to have a go at you about the damp in one of the rooms.

Oh, right. Well, go on then. OK, cool.

There's damp in one of the rooms. Yeah, it's a wet room.

Oh...wicked.

I'll pass that on. If you would.

Can you smell that, by the way?

What is it? It's like someone's having a BBQ.

Oh, that. Yeah, that's the temple.

They get all sacrificey during Saturnalia.

So, who eats all the meat, then?

The gods. Yeah, but who really eats it?

Oh, I guess... Dogs, ants and any other animals that aren't that religious.

Bit of a waste, if you ask me.

Season's greetings, Metella.

Just say hi. Yeah, hi.

Tomorrow night we're going to the Forum for the gong banging, and you guys should definitely come.

I'm having a quiet one. Thanks. Brilliant. Just Cynthia, then.

Yep, she's the reason it's quiet.

After that crone cursed her,

she's been terrified about having an accident. What?

That's... Cynthia! I really wouldn't bother.

What? Who is it? It's Marcus. Has he got anything jagged on him?

Just his face.

Wow. You look cosy. What is it, Marcus? Quickly.

OK, listen. Forget the whole curse thing.

Come to the Forum. Saturnalia tomorrow night.

It's gonna be this massive, wild, incredibly safe party.

The Forum? Are you mad? No. I'll protect you!

I could get trampled on. So... You can go on my shoulders.

Or, I could get struck by lightning. So... I'll go on your shoulders.

I'm not sure I can manage that.

Maybe next year.

Put a word in...

Find the crone and make her reverse the curse.

Do a reverse-a-curse. The crone hates us.

She nearly cursed me. Well, then, pay her off.

Or, even better, get her to say something good, like,

'This year, you will shag Marcus.'

That's an even worse curse. A worse-a-curse.

What is this meat, Grum? It's so tasty.

Yeah? I dunno. OK.

Hang on, not OK. Why don't you know? It's not from a shop.

OK. Where's it from? Temple. Right. Getting there.

Why's it from the temple? They sacrifice meat.

And you bought it, or...? Nabbed it.

I see. So, we're eating stolen sacrificial meat, now?

Right, you're fine with that? That we're chowing down on the food of the gods?

I know. It's delicious. No, but it's really bad form to steal the gods' food.

The gods aren't hungry. Or, you know... Real.

Either way, it's not getting eaten. He's doing them a favour, tidying up all their loose meat.

We shouldn't be eating loose meat. We dunno what it is.

Well, it tastes like chicken. Yeah, you know what else tastes like chicken?

Humans.

Do they even do human sacrifices any more?

Grumio, what are the chances that this is a person?

Very slim. This is a chicken leg, Marcus.

Look, there is no way that's from a human.

This person would be laughably tiny.

Or a baby.

I'm joking. I'm mucking about. It won't be a baby. I'm finished.

Oooh.

Yes, thank you very much.

Because I need her to come to the Forum with us.

So, if you could tell her that she definitely won't have an accident.

But she will have an accident.

If she doesn't leave the flat, how's she gonna gruffle him? Kiss him. Kiss me.

She will not kiss you. No, because of you.

Because it is written. Is it written, though?

Cos I've got some money here that should more than cover the whole rewriting process.

It can not be rewritten. It is too late.

The seas are rising.

No, you've already done that one.

The people in the lowlands will drown.

No, they won't. Shut up.

What are lowlands, anyway? Who says lowlands, you daft old bint.

Hey, whoa! What you doing? You will be forever miserable.

And your penis will be shrivelled.

Not bothered. Tell me something new. He's ten steps ahead of you, love.

Picked the wrong penis to shrivel.

This guy invented the shrivelled penis! All right. That's a bit much.

Just backing you up.

So, you know these sacrifices?

Yes, yes. What about them?

Do they come in lamb?

I'm sorry, do they what, little buddy?

Do you do 'em in lamb?

Yes, we can sacrifice lambs. Why do you ask?

Just... I reckon the gods would be well into that chubby one, there.

Right. Well, it's good of you to take an interest.

No worries.

That's a different crone. No. Same crone. Different day. Definitely the same.

She's a bit...older. We're all a bit older.

And thinner. She's been working out.

And she's only got one arm. Has she?

Yeah...she lost it. Lost it?

Yeah. Yesterday. You know, you win some, you lose some.

That phrase doesn't apply to arms.

See you in the new year.

Good effort. Come on, you.

No, no, no. We said no win, no fee.

Little man!

Can I help you with something?

Have you got a doggy bag?

We don't need them. We hit the Forum anyway.

Find some other girls, wait for the gong and pounce.

Really? Pounce? Yeah. Pounce like a cat.

Or like a rapist. More like a cat.

Listen. Why don't you come to the homeless shelter with me?

They always need a hand. They always need a handjob?

Do you give out handjobs? No, I - OK. You can take the piss as much as you want,

but the work that these guys do is really important.

I feel proud to spend Saturnalia making a difference to people's lives.

Quick question. Do you want to come to my Saturnalia party?

Oh, yes. Yes, please. Whoa, what about the homeless?

I can rearrange. You can rearrange homelessness?

It's OK. They're used to disappointment.

You two? Or will you be too busy drinking yourselves blind and laying in your own throw-up.

We'd love to come. Marvellous.

Well, come around seven and, er...

Don't take this the wrong way, but have you got any nice clothes?

I think so. I can rent something. Exactly.

And maybe try brushing your teeth.

Yes, I'm in!

It's taken five years but I'm finally in.

So... The Centurion there wants to bang you up.

Ah, jizz.

But I have told him it ain't going to happen.

So, he's backing off.

Wicked. Ta.

He doesn't get how hard it is for guys like you.

You know, you're driven to this. You need to eat.

I really do. Because if people are so hungry,

if their situation is so dire,

that they need to steal religious offerings,

then that, my friend, is the fault of society.

Bloody society.

We're going to look after you here.

So, you don't need to feel scared or hungry any more.

OK, cool.

I'm more hungry than scared but...

What's she doing out? Cynthia!

Oh, hey. There you are.

Guess what. It's happened. What's happened?

The accident. It's happened?

You know there's damp in the flats? The water feature.

Well, it finally got too damp and this whole chunk of ceiling came crashing down.

It's brilliant. Some call it brilliant, others criminal negligence.

I'll go for brilliant. I asked you to deal with that ages ago.

Good job I didn't. Or I could have had an even worse accident down the line.

There you go. So, anyway, we're now hugely pumped for tonight.

You guys are still free, right?

Er...

What time did you say we'd meet the girls?

Nine. At the doughnut stand. OK, perfect.

We'll put in some quality face time at Flavia's and then raz over.

We're just popping in, right? We'll pop for like an hour. Max.

OK, well, we've gotta go. Grumio?

We're off, mate.

And you're wearing a crown, are you? I am, yes.

Have you seen Grumio? Did we...put him somewhere?

He abuses you?

Your master? He makes me do stuff.

Hmmm. Hmmm.

What kind of stuff? Shopping, cleaning - Sex acts?

Any sexual abuse of any kind?

More your verbals. Dissing and that. Hmmm, hmmm.

A lot of the other guys were also raped by their masters.

Oh, not raped. No. Or they're in denial.

We have a little saying here at the Temple of Sibyli.

If you don't admit it's real, you're never gonna heal.

Hmmm? Hmmm. Hmmm!

Sorry, I don't know what's going on. No, OK.

I think you should have a little read of this. It'll tell you about the mission.

I think you're gonna really vibe with it.

All finished? Yes. Thank you, Brother Laurence. Thank you, Brother Quintus.

Now, Grumio, are you ready for your rub down?

I think we might be early. She said seven.

Look at you, Shredder. That crown is just divine.

In you come.

Sorry, are we early? No, no. You're just in time.

The guests will be arriving any moment. And here we are.

What do you mean guests? Are we not - Nooo.

Copier, if you follow Water boy around giving out the canapes, there.

Right. Water man. Do try to distribute the food as effectively as possible

because there are a couple of fat fucks in business affairs

that'll attempt to hem you in and snaffle the lot.

Do not let them succeed. Yes, sorry. I hadn't realised.

What? That we were working. Yes.

Cos, er... What time will we knock off?

The guests will leave shortly after midnight, you do the tidy up,

I check you haven't stolen anything and you can be on your way.

Ah, it's just...

We were hoping to go to the Forum for the gong.

Oh, if you want to leave at any time, you can.

But don't bother coming back to work on Monday, OK?

So, am I doing canapes, then?

No, no. You follow me, Shredder.

I have something a little more special...planned for you. Right.

How's this? Yeah, good.

Can you go a bit higher? Like that?

Oh, yeah.

Yep. That's class, that is.

Ohhh.

Whoa there. OK.

What are these, please? Er, fig rolls.

And what's this, please? That's strawberries and cream.

How is it? How d'you think it is?

Creamy. We need to get out of here, man.

Some of the guests are - Oi!

Oh. Sorry.

Not there. You can't swipe there.

That's where the most cream is. Yeah, even so.

In the cleft. Stay away from the cleft.

You see what I'm saying? Some people aren't even bothering with the strawberries.

OK, we need to get out of here. I know, but how? I dunno.

Maybe sneak out? What? Sneak out?

I think people might notice if the cream covered human statue tries to sneak out.

Copier! Circulate. Yeah, sorry. I am.

So many options.

How's it going? Rubbish.

It's like being at work, but in a rented toga.

It's nearly ten. This is dog shit.

We can't stay here all night. We can't leave. She'll fire us.

If we get to the Forum there'll be the gong and people - No, it's not worth it.

We're meeting some girls. Hot girls? Yes.

Hot girls. So, listen. I don't like you and you don't like me, but if -

I do like you.

OK. Well... We need to work together. You don't like me?

Er - Why don't you like me? We're getting bogged down now.

I thought you liked me. I do. You just said you didn't.

It's a phrase. Not for when you like someone.

Hey! I think you're great, Aurelius.

So, why did you just say - Now, help us get out of here and you can meet the hot girls.

OK, deal. What's the plan? Cool. We need to stop the party somehow.

Start a fire? Oh! I've got an amazing idea.

OK, what is it? Right, we start a big old ruckus.

Keep talking. So, I'm pretty sure that Julia, from reception,

is having an affair with Balbo, the Communications Director, who's married to Livia, from admin.

If you tell Sexstus, from compliance, that Livia has been shagging Ambrosius,

and I'll tell Julia that Sexstus has been getting it on with Abana, from HR,

and this place will get pretty f-ing nasty.

Right. Definitely? Well, at the very least, the atmosphere will be awful.

Cos I was thinking you could diddle the water clock

and we could bring midnight forward an hour.

Yeah. Let's do that.

Right, well...

Thanks for the rub down and the scroll and that.

Well, may Sibyli bless you on your holy journey.

May...he...bless you - Is it a he or she?

Have you read the scroll?

Hmmm. Hmmm? Hmmm?

It's a she, ain't it? Mm-hm.

Cos of the boobs.

Well, if you want to just pop on to the back of the cart there with the other trainees.

Oh, right. Are we gonna get dropped off, then?

I were just gonna walk it.

Precious. No, no, no.

Up you pop.

It's time! Everybody, let's go!

10... Is it midnight already?

7...6...5...

Sorry, which way are we going? Cos I live back that way.

We're heading to the docks. It'll only take a couple of hours.

Right, don't mean to be a backseat driver or nothing, but that is a bit of a long way round.

My gaff's up there. Well, first the docks, and then on to Cyprus. Hmmm?

Hmmm.

W-What's all this about Cyprus? Cyprus.

Where you'll be castrated and continue to train at the Graduate Palace. Hmmm?

Right. Palace. Oh.

That sounds... Is it hot, Cyprus?

Cyprus? Oh, very hot. Yes. Very hot.

Like, nice hot? Not too hot, hot?

No, no, no. Not too hot, hot. Nice hot, hot.

Oh, yes. Right. Hmmm. Hmmm.

Cool.

And what's castrated, again?

Doughnuts!

Where are they? I was promised hot girls.

They should be here, by the doughnut seller.

Excuse me, mate. Are there any other doughnut sellers in the Forum?

What's wrong with my doughnuts? Nothing.

Salve, Marcus. Landlord.

Ready for the frenzy? Yeah, they've not hit the gong yet?

No, any moment now. Brace yourselves.

Listen. Have you seen Cynthia? Haven't seen bugger all, mate.

I had these mushrooms that have given me bat-shit mental hallucinations and stomach cramps.

Do you want some? No, thanks. I will.

Ah, good lad. Covered in cream, then?

Yep. Classic.

Are there any other doughnut sellers, Landlord? In the Forum?

Landlord?

Doughnut sellers?

Shitloads, mate.

But I've been having these quadruple visions, or something, so who knows?

Good luck with that.

Thanks for the mushrooms. Yeah, no problem.

Doughnuts!

Hey, Cynthia! Oh, wow. You found us!

Yeah, hi. Sorry. We got a bit lost - And covered in cream. I got covered in cream, yes.

Lovely to meet you, I'm Aurelius. All set for the gong?

Oh, it's my favourite instrument. I'm Aurelius. All right, mate. Back off. What?

Oh, this is so exciting! Here we go again.

10...9...

8...7...6...

5...4...3...

2...1... Marcus!

Grumio?

Marcus!

Happy New Year!

You, too, mate.

You, too.

Shit!

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