All language subtitles for Playing House s03e02 None of Your Business.eng

Wow...

She's really Jackson Pollocking with that yogurt, huh?

Oh, yes, Charlotte's very creative.

- We've always known that.
- Yeah.

But do you think we should be
teaching her how to use a spoon?

You know who else
played with their food?

Barack Hussein Obama.

Oh, my God, it's Bird Bones. Hide me.

Ooh, body be banging even in a red suit.

Maggie, Maggie, this is serious, okay?

We gotta get out of
here, so take the baby,

leave the yogurt. Let's go.

Why? What did you do?

I didn't do anything.
I just... I haven't

seen her since Mark and I got together.

But you told her, right?
Called her or something?

Mark told her, and I drafted
a few texts that were like,

"Hey, we good?"

You drafted texts that said, "We good?"

- Emma, it's been a month.
- I know, and if she sees me,

then she's gonna think
I've been avoiding her,

so can we please just go?

It's gonna be tough stuff for you, huh?

Maggie, don't teach me a life lesson.

- Oh, Tina!
- Hey, girl.

Hey, Maggie. Hey, Emma.

Hi, Charlotte. You all look great.

Well, you look great, and look great,

and, Charlotte, you look great.

We are all doing great.

- Um.
- Do you want to

tell her something? She
wanted to talk to you.

- Go ahead.
- Um, hey, Tina,

- I meant to reach out...
- Oh, about you and Mark?

Please, I am happy for you both.

One man's trash is
another man's treasure.

I mean, not that Mark was trash,
but, you know, our marriage

- was for so long.
- Hey, Tina, what's up with

- the red suit?
- Oh, uh, it's a...

It's a business suit
'cause I'm in business now,

- so, taking care of business.
- What kind of business?

None of your business! [laughing]

Bye.

I feel like we were just assaulted.

That was weird even for Bird Bones.

- I wonder if she's okay.
- Yeah, I guess

- we'll just never know.
- Stop by her house.

- What?
- Why would we do

- something like that?
- Oh, we're not doing anything.

- You are.
- Why?

Because you owe it to her

after not sending all
those drafted texts.

Okay, I'm gonna go, but
I'm taking Char-Bar with me.

You're not using my
child as a human shield.

- Please?
- That's where I draw the line

on this friendship.

God, I'm freaking out.

Look at my armpits...
They're like swimming pools.

Aw, Jeff, we got this, okay?

We've nailed every other rotation.

How bad can one guy be?

Dr. Ericson? Really bad.

- No.
- One false move, and he

gives you a bad recommendation,
and then it's urology

- for the rest of your life.
- Okay, he's just a human man

who also happens to be a doctor.

You know they call him Dr.
Freeze 'cause he's so cold?

Well, that's not a good nickname.

It should be something
like Ice Ice Baby or...

- Snow Pesci.
- Yeah, or Snowpra.

Snowpra's favorite thing.

You get a bad
recommendation, and you get

a bad recommendation, and
you get a bad recommendation!

Ah!

- Are you two with me today?
- Uh-oh.

Keep your heads down.

If you have any
questions, do not ask them

in front of the patients.
The patients come first.

That's what she said.

[both giggling]

Sorry, did you say something?

No, sir, I did not.

'Cause I thought I heard you
say, "That's what she said."

Who were you talking about?
Did you say something?

I didn't. It's just... I think he was

making the old American joke.

You know, "That's what she said."

[whispering] That's what she said.

Right, so no one actually said anything?

Uh, that's right.

We have a lot of work to do. Keep up.

- Oh, God.
- I'm so cold.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.

[upbeat music]

Jeff.

- Hi, Teens.
- Oh!

Oh, hey, Emma.

Tina, I feel really horrible
that I haven't called.

I just wanted to make sure there's not

- any weirdness about...
- No, no, I'm...

- I'm happy for you both.
- Really?

- Really.
- Oh, good, that's a relief.

- Okay.
- Um, Tina, this is

- a lot of boxes here, huh?
- Yeah, well, thank goodness

for the RAV4, and its
spacious cargo capacity,

not to mention the fold-flat second row.

Yeah, the RAV4 is a phenomenal vehicle.

Um, what's in these boxes, Tina?

- Are you QVCing again?
- No.

- These are for... my new business.
- Tina, you can't keep

just saying "business."

What's going on?

Look, now that I'm single,
I want to have a career.

You know, like you used to have.

Oh, okay, well, I did just
plan a "Hamilton" themed

bar mitzvah, which
was very well received.

-
1776 - Well, anyway, and then,

a few weeks ago, this woman
came up to me, and she said,

"Have you ever considered
selling Illuminage cosmetics?"

And she pressured you into
buying all this inventory?

She called it the "Quantum Package."

Tina, this is a pyramid scheme.

Like cheerleading?

No, not at all like cheerleading.

All right, um, how much of
this have you already sold?

Zero.

Zero Quantum Package.

[beep]

Okay, I don't want you to
worry because you've got.

Shark Tank over here, all right?

There is nothing, and I mean
nothing, that I cannot sell.

Now, are these boxes all
that we have to get rid of?

Um, well, there's this.

And this.

Oh, Teens.

This is too many boxes.

Okay, Jeff, tell me
about Mr. Linley's vitals.

His vitals are good.

His heart rate is
slightly elevated at 110.

And should I be worried
about the elevation?

- Yes.
- No.

- Maggie, why?
- Because it's probably just

post-op pain combined with the exertion

- of his walk around the floor.
- Correct.

Good, thank you.

- Okay, let's see.
- [beeping]

Jeff, can you make that
noise go away, please?

- I'm on it.
- Thank you.

Sorry, Mr. Linley, where were we?

So yes, you... You passed the stone.

There's no infection. That's good news.

[beeping]

[no audible speech]

[beeping]

Jeff, I really need
that beeping to stop.

I'm working on it, Doctor.

Now, unfortunately, the
ultrasound did pick up

other gallstones, and
that's why we've had to

remove your gallbladder.

That's all pretty straightforward.

[shrill beeping]

Jeff, is there a problem here?

It won't stop beeping.

[coughs] It's the battery.

- What?
- I think it's the battery.

Maggie, if you're gonna
tell him how to something,

why don't you just go and do it?

- Yeah, right away.
- [shrill beeping]

Yeah.

Sorry, Mr. Linley, I seem
to be working with amateurs.

Wh... Why do we have to this?

Can't we just move to a new state?

- Start a new life?
- Teens, you need to relax.

You want to be a business woman, right?

I do, desperately.

Then this is your first lesson.

It's called "negotiation,"
and it's one of the classic

tenets of business.

Emma, I don't think you know
what you're dealing with.

- Vanessa is fearless.
- Please, you think I'm afraid

of some basic B from Danbury? [gasps]

Wow, hotel spaghetti in a white blazer?

This woman is fearless.

All right.

That's funny.

Um, Vanessa?

Okay, Tina, to what
do I owe this pleasure?

Have you already sold
your Quantum Package?

Um, well, not exactly...

Great, then this meeting's over.

- If I could just jump in here...
- I'm sorry, who is this person

that's talking to me right now?

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm her associate,

Emma Crawford.

That's a beautiful blazer, by the way.

Is that... Dolce & Gabbana.

Gabbana, yes, know it, love it, worn it.

Truthfully, Vanessa,
businesswoman to businesswoman,

my friend Tina here is in over
her head, and, unfortunately,

she's not gonna be able
to sell the Quantum Package

as previously discussed.

Well, I wish I could
help, but I just don't see

how any of this is my problem.

Oh, okay, well, it is
your problem because

you took advantage of my friend here,

a woman who has
literally no street smarts

and is completely naive
to the world of business.

- That is true... I am.
- Yeah.

Tina, Tina, Tina.

Wow, I had really high hopes
for you, and now you come in

with this woman, oh, could clearly use

our bronzer, and you try to bail?

Wow, you wanna roll with this?

Then let me tell you
how this is gonna go...

No, let me tell you
how this is gonna go.

No, I'm not interested.

I'm not interested.

You know who's not interested? Me.

- I'm also not interested.
- Damn it.

So let me break this down for you.

I'm leaving for Hartford
for two days, then I go

to Bridgeport for three.

When I'm back on Tuesday,
bitch better have my money

because that's how business works.

Oh... [laughs] let me assure you,

I know how business works.

I used to move a bajillion-dollar casino

- every minute in Macao.
- [laughs]

A bajillion.

Well, if that's true, why
can't you move a little makeup?

Oh, I promise you, I could
move your dumb makeup.

- Well, then why don't you?
- Why don't I?

I'm gonna put you down
for a Quantum Package.

- Emma, I don't think that...
- Don't worry, Tina.

I know exactly what she's up to.

- Put me down for two.
- [gasps]

All right, Tina-reens, we got
a lot of face paint to unload,

But the most important thing
is that we turn you into

the business maven that we
know you can be, all right?

So show me what you're thinking.

Okay, well, I made a
color-coded map of Pinebrook

where I divided everyone
into age, income,

and current shopping behavior.

Wow, Tina, this is actually really good.

Oh, my God, is that a Caboodles?

Mm-hmm, and I tricked it
out so that we can take it

door-to-door.

Tina, this is really, really good!

I love this idea.

- Take it to the streets!
- [laughs]

- [doorbell dings]
- Oh, our first customer!

Wait, I thought we were
gonna go door-to-door?

Yeah, they're going from
their door to my door.

Make me look like Vanna White.

[upbeat music]

Here... Okay, in order to discharge you,

we need to make sure
you're eating, okay?

It's Doctor's orders.

Okay, how about this
banana pudding, huh?

I mean, it's not a Nilla
wafer situation, but it's

pretty good, right, Jeff?

Oh, God, I'm not eating that.

Come on, just take a
bite for Mrs. Chang.

Show her how delicious it is.

Maggie, it's swimsuit season.

- Come on, Jeff.
- No.

- Jeff...
- No, no, no.

- Jeff!
- Uh-uh.

- Jeff, eat it!
- No!

- Put it in your mouth!
- What is this, Studio 54?

- Ah.
- Oh!

- Got you.
- Oh, come on, you haven't

- tried the pudding.
- Hey, no, oh, no, don't!

- You got it all over...
- Um, when you've

quite finished your pudding party,

room 212 needs his dressing changed.

Oh, we were just, uh, trying...

I know what you were doing.

[sighs]

Tina, it's been an
hour and a half, so...

- Oh, okay, I'm almost done.
- Okay.

Just one more swipe of powder,

and ta-da!

[gasps] Hubba, hubba.

I'd like to buy this vowel.

[laughter]

Okay, now we will take this all off,

and we will start your daytime look.

Uh, okay, Tina, Tina, sorry,
we have thousands of dollars

of makeup to sell, so I think
we need to move this along.

- Oh.
- Hey, Mary-Pat, what are we

thinking, purchase-wise?

Guess I gotta buy something, huh?

- That's how they getcha.
- Yeah.

[laughter]

- I'll take one chapstick.
- Chapstick?

- Yes, my first sale!
- One!

Great, I will wrap this up for you.

Boop!

- Hey.
- Hey, why did I have to

park three blocks down the road?

'Cause I got a bunch of
women in the living room

for a makeup party,
and all that's missing

- is your baby-soft skin.
- Oh, no, no, no, no way.

I'm exhausted, I'm covered
in banana pudding...

Please, Maggie, I got
so much product to move,

and Bird Bones is killing me.

Okay, ladies, today is your
lucky day because we have

a special demo with Illuminage's
premiere sales consultant.

You know her from the gym, and
from various Pinterest pages,

please welcome Tina.

- Thank you, thank you.
- Okay, get up here.

Thank you, Emma. [clears throat]

Okay, well, um,

the first thing that I like
to do is examine my canvas.

Maggie here, of course,
has flawless skin.

- Aw, thanks, Teens.
- And, frankly, I don't think

that she needs any makeup at all.

But if I had to put something on her,

I... I would use some blush.

Okay, so, we do that, that.

There you go.

And that fresh face is
gonna cost you $9.50.

Oh, Tina, Tina, if I
could just jump in here.

Let's get real, ladies.

Maggie over here needs a
lot more help that that.

- Am I right?
- What's happening?

This is a woman who's
up with a baby all night.

- Mm-hmm.
- She's at the hospital,

- bringing home the bacon all day.
- Single mom.

- She's tired, you know?
- Bedraggled, even.

- Okay, all right.
- Time has worn its way

down this face like water
once carved the crevices

of the Grand Canyon, okay?

Here, here, and also here.

We're comparing my face to erosion?

But Illuminage is here to help.

Tina, be a doll, would
you, and load me up with

some of Illuminage's priming foundation.

Well, you need to start
with the moisturizer fir...

Not now, all right, and we're blending.

- Good Lord.
- We're blending.

- Okay, that's very aggressive.
- We're shading, we're shading,

and we're contouring. We're contouring.

- It doesn't feel like it.
- Okay, and we finish it all off

with a heavy swipe of
our patented bee sting

lip-plumping lip gloss. Oh, yeah.

- Okay.
- And, voila.

- Emma, what's in this?
- It's really tingling.

Oh, the tingle means it's working.

[applause]

Now join me in the corner where
Tina will be taking your orders.

Tina? I'm sorry, Tina?

Just give me one second, okay?

- Keep it alive out here, okay?
- What's happening?

- I don't know.
- Sell something.

Tina, what's going on?
I need you out there.

- Everyone wants to order.
- Ah, you don't need me.

- I'm just gonna go.
- What are you talking about?

- We're a huge hit.
- Well, you're a huge hit.

- I'm not doing anything.
- Oh, I just took over the demo

'cause we weren't moving enough product.

And why is that? Because I'm terrible.

- No.
- I don't know why I ever

thought that... That I could do this.

I mean, I am terrible at everything.

- No.
- Yes, I screwed up my marriage.

I screwed up this job. I
can't do anything right!

[screams]

Well, if you're trying
to make a point, Teens,

at least throw something breakable.

[screams]

See?

I can't even do that right.

No, Tina...

Oh, I am mad at you, Maggie.

I binge-ate pudding all night
long, and then Charles finds me

passed out like a
bloated raccoon in a nest

of Little Debbie wrappers.

- Ah!
- It's really bad, right?

I'm so sorry, but what
happened to your face?

Why do you look like Lisa Rinna melted?

It's bee sting lip-plumping lip gloss.

But you're allergic to bees.

I know, I tried to stop Emma,
but she just covered my face

in the dumb stuff.

Oh, God, what am I gonna do?

I can't leave... I told Ericson I'd do

- a double shipt.
- Huh?

- A double chipt.
- What?

- Two shifts.
- Oh, a double shift.

- That's what I said.
- Uh-uh.

I need your help and support.

All right, I know exactly
what we're going to do.

Okay, so her blood pressure's up.

- What's her weight?
- 104.

Can I see her labs, please?

Can I see the labs?

Just pass... pass the
clipboard, please, Maggie.

- I'd rather not.
- Just give me the clipboard.

Yeah.

Just... give me the...
Give me the clipboard.

Here you go.

Is this another one of your jokes?

No, sir.

Then why are you wearing a mask?

- Okay.
- [laughs]

- You look like Lisa Rinna.
- Oh, God.

Maggie, my office, now, please.

- Right now.
- Okay, yeah, yeah.

- Mrs. Chang.
- [muffled laughter]

[upbeat music]

- Tina.
- Oh!

I don't know why I keep doing that.

- It's very creepy.
- What are you doing here?

You don't have to go in there.

I'm gonna tell Vanessa that
we didn't sell the product.

It was my fault. I doubled down.

No, I am the one who
got us into this mess

- in the first place.
- Yeah, but I was supposed to

be helping you, and, instead,
I just made you feel like

you weren't good at anything.

- Which is true.
- No, it's not.

Listen to me, Tina,
to me, you'll always be

that cheerleader on top
of the pyramid whose body

be banging and, P.S.,
a mind to match, okay?

So you're not good at selling makeup.

Who cares? That just
means something bigger

is coming your way.

- Thank you, Emma.
- Get in here.

All right, let's go get
annihilated by this basic B.

- I'm scared.
- I'm scared too.

Both: [sigh]

Okay, that's a shot of Benadryl.

That should take the
swelling down a little bit.

Good.

Dr. Ericson, I am very sorry.

I... I don't usually act this way.

I don't believe that for one second.

No, I mean, we like to
have fun at the workplace,

- sure, but...
- That isn't what I'm saying.

Look, from my point of view,
you seem like an incredibly

talented nurse with a
terrific bedside manner.

Are you not normally like that?

Oh, um, thank you.

It's been a pleasure shadowing
you this week as well.

- No, it hasn't.
- Well, it ha... what?

So come on, what are they
calling me these days, hmm?

Oh, I never partook in any of that.

- Mm, Dr. Bobsled?
- That's a good one.

Cool Runnings?

No, uh, Dr. Popsicle is what
we had landed on recently.

Mrs. Chang came up with that one.

Mm, okay, that's actually quite good.

- Yeah.
- Is it because I'm so cold?

It's 'cause you have
a stick up your ass.

[laughter]

Okay, so, look, I hope it
doesn't keep you from wanting

to work with me because
I've requested that you

continue on my rotation.

Really?

Jeff too, but for different reasons.

I like to watch him squirm.

Sure. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, so what I'm
hearing is that you failed.

I wouldn't exactly use those words.

I mean, we did sell Tina's
original package, and,

- if I hadn't doubled down...
- I'm gonna need to

hear you say it.

I'll sound it out for
you... It goes like this.

I fa-ai-l-ed.

That is enough.

Tina talks now.

Look, I may not know
a lot about business,

but one thing I do
know about is pyramids.

Well, specifically,
cheerleading pyramids.

And it is glorious at the top

with the sun in your hair

and the... The wind up your skorts.

Where are we going with this, Teens?

And... but what you don't
realize is that the people

at the bottom actually
have the most power.

So when Carlotta Frasier's
IBS kicks in because she eats

too many cannolis
mid-game, and she rushes

to the restroom mid-formation,
the person at the top

- comes a-tumbling down.
- What is the point?

My point is, once I
make a few phone calls

to your other sales consultants,

you, Vanessa, are gonna
come a-tumbling down.

So what I guess I'm trying to say is.

- "Bitch better have my money."
- Tina, that doesn't

- really apply here.
- I don't care... I wanna say it.

Bitch better have my money.

Enjoy sitting alone eating
spaghetti in a blazer

that's clearly not Dolce & Gabbana.

- Yes, it is.
- Oh, no.

It's Dressbarn, Vanessa,

and everybody knows it.

Everyone.

Let's roll.

A prominent Danbury
businesswoman is being.

Investigated for selling
a line of unsafe cosmetics.

Oh, she's coming?

Vanessa, what do you
have to say for yourself?

- Vanessa!
- You need to get those cameras

out of my face.

Don't... Don't look at me!

[grunting]

- Whoa.
- Somebody must've

called in a tip.

[laughing]

both: Tina?

Well, I think we have our answer.

Oh, ah, ah!

That says it all.

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