Original subtitles

So remember, if your attacker comes at you, you gonna panic?

- No. - Yes.

No, 'cause you've got your eyeball scoops,

you got your kitten scratches... [grunting]

And then you're gonna be clear to pummel the groin.

And... you're dead.

[applause]

Wow.

So inspiring, right?

I'll tell you what I'm inspired by...

- Those tris and those bis. - Mm-hmm.

And that's why I call it self-defense...

all: For moms!

'Cause, as moms, we have a natural instinct

- to want to protect our young. - That's right.

Maggie, you've got a young daughter at home.

[military voice] I do, Cookie... She's one.

Her name is Charlotte, and she's a fierce warrior.

What's up with that voice you're using?

Is this your married partner?

[military voice] Nope, I'm Emma, I'm the best friend.

I moved home to help her raise the baby...

When I kicked my cheating husband to the curb.

- That's right. - We're sisters for life, Cookie.

- I need a moment. - I'm sorry.

What's happening?

This right here is the definition of friendship.

- That's right. - Two women, side by side...

That is the most powerful thing that there is.

Now get on up here and attack each other.

- All right. - What's that now?

What... Oh, God.

Well, Cookie, hold on one second.

This is my first class, so I don't think...

Don't worry about it. You're gonna be the attacker.

- Okay. - And Maggie, you just do

all the moves that we've been working on, okay?

Yes, Cookie.

All right, you're at the ATM. It's late at night.

Emma, attack.

Beep, boop, beep, boop.

Ooga-booga, give me your money and also your body!

[groaning]

- You're dead. - Ow.

- Nice, Maggie. - That actually really hurt.

Remember too, your forearm is a five-way weapon, okay?

- Five ways? - So you've got one,

- two, three, four, and five. - Ah, ah!

- That hurts. - You're okay.

- So let's sit down, and we'll... - Nope, stay on up here.

Really? Do one more scenario.

Maggie, you're at your car. You're fumbling for your keys.

- Okay. - Emma, attack.

Uh, okay, um, Mags, let's just take it easy...

- [grunts] - Ah!

- [grunting and yelling] - You're dead!

She's still alive! Keep it moving, keep it moving.

- No, no! - I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead!

Why are you still talking?

Yeah, that's right. Dead men tell no tales.

- [yells] - Oh, God!

You're dead. And that's self defense...

[softly] For moms.

[Say Hi's "Back before We Were Brittle" playing]

Hey, remember when

All of time stood still

Ooh, do do do do

Back before we were brittle

Back before we were brittle

- Synced and corrected by Dragoniod for - -- www.Addic7ed.com --

I think you snapped my solar plexus.

What? Well, what was I supposed to do?

You were attacking me at an ATM.

I just think you could've been a little nicer about it.

- And, oh, you're dead! - Oh, oh!

Sorry, I can't resist.

Maggie, you were incredible in class today.

You're like a human machete out there.

Well, you sharpened the blade, Cookie.

Look, Thursdays around 10:30 p.m.

I hold a special class that's called "The Cookie Jar."

- Mm-hmm. - It's for my elite students.

I'd like to invite you to join.

Oh, my God, can we make that work?

Yes, of course we can make that work.

Okay, good.

I give every member of The Cookie Jar a nickname.

- Okay. - Isn't that cute?

And there's Nutter Butter, Double Stuf, Shortbread,

and now Gingersnap.

- Oh, I love it. - Oh, is that 'cause

- she's a red head? - It's because she's sweet

- until she snaps! - Pow!

- And Emma? - Yes?

- This is for you. - The golden whistle.

Is this for being most improved?

I've been teaching this class for 17 years.

I have never had a student with less

- natural ability than yourself. - Is that right?

You are a danger to yourself, so I need you to forget

everything that you learned here today, okay?

- That won't be a problem. - It's already forgotten, Cooks.

Perfect.

Do you really think I have no physical strength?

Hey, she didn't say strength, she said skills.

And yes.

- Wait, is that Mark? - Mark, what are you doing?

- That's our car. - I'm just doing my job, Miss.

Oh, my God, this is ridiculous.

What's this a ticket for?

- "Being too sexy"? - Boom.

Oh, God, is this what it's gonna be like

with you guys together?

'Cause I'm not interested.

What is this a ticket for?

Being the best friend?

- "Tags are expired"? - You got 30 days.

- I'll see you tonight. - I'll see you tonight, babe.

- I'm not paying this. - Yeah, you are.

You have a woman's handwriting.

Can I ask you a quick nursing question?

- Yeah, shoot. - Do penises age?

Ugh, if I had a nickel.

The short answer is yes. The long answer,

much more complicated, you know, based on penis size

or shape or whether there's been a traumatic event

- or even just natural slope. - A slope?

Yeah, sometimes a penis can take a slope to the right

or to the left. If you're lucky, it goes up.

- Oh, okay. - Why are we talking about this?

I think tonight Mark and I

are gonna do it for the first time.

- What? - Yes, I mean,

since we got back together.

What about all that hot and heavy stuff on the porch?

I thought you guys would've been all over each other.

- It's been a couple weeks. - No, no, no, no.

He said, and I quote, "I wanna do this,

but I wanna take it slow."

- So, since then, there's just... - Right.

Been a lot of dry humping and starting meaningfully

into each other's eyes.

Sign me up for a good dry hump, right?

Although there is a lot of chafing involved.

But it's been 15 years since I've seen, you know, it,

and I just don't know if it's gonna be, like,

"Oh, hello, old friend," or "Oh, God, what happened to you?"

Well, I would be more worried about him seeing my body,

you know, 15 years later. 'Cause this is 40, right?

Things are very different.

God, I hadn't even thought about that.

- Oh. - Okay, if you saw... if you saw

this coming towards you, what would you think about that?

Would you be disturbed, or would you welcome it?

Is that a special move I'm not aware of?

Tell me, does it feel... does it feel tight, is there reverb?

Whoa, wow, we, uh, we can come back.

Oh, no, no, no, I was just trying to see if my butt

had changed since college.

- Well, this is 40. - Oh, God.

- Hi, baby girl, are you hungry? - Yeah.

- All right. - Okay.

- Dive in. - Ahh-ooh.

We got some carrots.

Uh, hey, Mags, might I have a word?

Uh, yes, you might.

Well, it's been approximately six weeks since we

took Joanie and Cha-Chi to the carwash.

- Are you talking about sex? - Geez, Maggie, the baby...

What? That's how she got here, right?

Anyway, since that wonderful night, I've been feeling...

Oh, no, no, hey, Bruce, we talked about this, right?

- It was just the one night. - Oh, no, no, it's not that.

- It's, uh, I met somebody. - Oh, okay, good.

- I mean, that's great, yes. - Her name is Nancy,

and it's been fast and furious, like the first movie,

not the other seven, which I feel don't hold up.

- Okay, Bruce, focus. - Anyhow, um, I really

want Charlotte to meet her, but I was that maybe

before she meets her that you might meet her.

- I'd love to meet her. - Yeah?

- Yeah, of course. - We'll have you guys over.

Maybe I'll make some of my famous apps

and we can throw some games in there.

- That'll be fun, right? - Hey, can you make those

baby hot dogs that look like they're taking a nap in pastry?

- Oh, pigs in a blanket. - Yeah, I guess you

could make those, too, if you want, pfft.

All right.

You did not have to make me dinner.

I haven't ever made anything other than a DiGiorno's pizza.

Well, I'm sure it's delicious.

Okay, here we go, right? [chuckles]

All right.

Bon app?tit.

All right.

Now, is this a chicken or a fish?

It is a chicken.

Mm, can't wait.

Okay. [crunches]

- Ooh, there's a crackle. - Mm-hmm.

What is this? There are... What is...?

Rice Krispies.

It's a Rice Krispie crusted chicken.

Mm, did you come up with that yourself?

I did. I didn't have any hazelnuts.

And is this a dessert or a side?

- It's a warm banana. - Oh, okay.

Halved...

microwaved for two minutes.

- Hmm. - Give that a shot.

- Oh, 'cause it's... - Oh, God, the middle is hot!

- Take some water! - [coughing]

- Mm. - This is not a good meal.

No, no, no, no, I'll just munch on this dry pasta.

- No, no, it's okay. - Babe...

You know what? I have a better idea.

- What? - I'm gonna go over there

- and cue up some music. - Okay.

["Between the Sheets" by The Isley Brothers plays]

Oh, what?

- Okay. - Uh-oh, what's this old jam?

- Taking you back to the day? - [laughing]

Oh, you slid into it.

Ooh, you miss these old moves?

- Oh, yes. - Come here, girl.

Come on, yeah.

Yeah, that's my lady.

[laughter]

I haven't heard this song since the first time we...

- That's right. - That's right.

Oh, man, we did some bad things.

[laughter]

Do you remember that?

Every detail.

Every detail.

Mm, no, no, no, I gotta keep you working for that, mister.

- What? - Pay toll, find the troll.

- What? - You know, gotta

- find that troll. - What's... What's the troll?

No, I'm sorry, I think I just need it to be more spontaneous.

- That's all. - Okay, babe. Sure, sure.

You know what? Let's get a little dessert.

Oh, I thought the microwaved banana was the dessert.

Settle down, 'cause I got these.

[gasps] Red Vines!

I thought you said Red Vines be nasty.

Well, some things you come around on, you know?

- [pounding on door] - Hey, Mark. "Happy Feet"!

- What was that? - That's... That's just Dave.

He's... He's getting divorced.

- Hey, Dave. - [pounding on door]

I'm in the middle of something, buddy.

"Happy Feet"!

- So no sex? - No, we just ended up watching

the DVD extras of "Happy Feet 2"

with a divorcee named Dave.

Oh, that's tough stuff.

- Hey, no, ma'am. - What?

I only have three backup trays of those

pigs in a blanket, okay?

Okay, you need to relax 'cause this is way too many apps.

- Mm-mm. - All we're doing is meeting.

Bruce's girlfriend. What's her name again?

- Nancy. - Yeah, she's probably, like,

a out of work temp with a terrible bob and rosacea.

I'm sure she's very sweet, okay?

And I would just like her to feel welcome in my home.

A lesser woman might be freaked out about meeting

their ex-husband's new girlfriend.

- Not this old gal. - Nope?

I'm very happy for them,

and I think it's gonna be good for all of us.

Well, I feel good about having some of this

- seven-layer dip now. - Hey, no, you don't.

- Oh, ah! - And you're dead.

God, I'm not gonna get physically attacked

at my own apps table, you psycho.

Well, you just did.

[doorbell ring]

You gotta be ready, okay?

'Cause 94% of attacks happen in your own home.

- Cookie? - Gingersnap!

- Nancy? - Bruce!

This is just blowing my mind.

I mean, Cookie is Nancy, Nancy is Cookie?

Yeah, what are the chances, right?

I mean, there aren't any, but here we are.

I didn't even know you guys knew each other.

Both: Yeah.

- Maggie's in the Cookie Jar. - That's right.

A little different than the Cookie Jar

you've been digging in every night.

- Okay. - [laughter]

How did you guys possibly meet?

I was in a Party City on a Friday night,

- as one does... - Mm-hmm.

- Buying myself a pi?ata. - A personal pi?ata?

End of a hard week, you just string up a pi?ata,

whack the crap out of it, and it rains candy on you.

- It's the best. - But I don't understand.

Cookie, you were also buying a pi?ata?

Yeah, I mean, what are the odds, right?

When two people who both love pi?atas find each other?

Very unexpected.

'Cause, you know, normally I date, you know,

really tough guys, right?

- It's what I would assume. - Yeah, bounty hunters,

MMA fighters, and large animal vets,

but, man, none of those guys made me laugh like this man.

- You're a party in a bottle. - There's no denying that.

And the physical part is just... it's, um...

seamless.

When you say "seamless," what do you mean by...

- Well, we need more apps. - You don't know where his body

- ends and yours begins? - You guys need more apps?

- Is that what it is? - I do, yeah.

- Who wants more apps? - I'm good, thanks.

I'll get you some then.

Oh, my God, can you believe it?

We thought Nancy was gonna be some terrible woman

who was like, "my Crock-Pot," and instead, it's Cookie!

- [laughs] - You must be so psyched.

- I am so psyched, really. - Oh, God, imagine what.

Charlotte's fifth birthday would be like, right?

- What are you talking about? - When Cookie rolls up,

like, pi?atas aplenty, everyone will be like,

"Hey, Cookie's here!"

You wanna slow your roll? 'Cause that's not gonna happen.

They're not gonna last.

She's like the perfect physical specimen,

and he's just, you know, Bruce.

It makes now sense at all, and, at the same time,

it kind of makes all the sense in the world.

I mean, look at them.

Like two hippos wrestling in the wild.

Oh, that's a classic viper hold into a Chinese handcuff.

[phone buzzing]

Man.

We learned that two weeks ago.

God, she's good.

Oh, we didn't learn that one.

We should not be watching this.

And I am all alone. [sighs]

Officer Rodriguez, at your service.

Mark, what are you doing here?

I'm being spontaneous.

I slipped in through the window, "Dawson's Creek" style.

- No, you didn't. - Oh, yes, I did.

You better come over here, girl, 'cause I don't wanna wait.

There is a former MMA fighter named Cookie downstairs.

Well, then we're gonna have to be quiet, huh?

[both moaning]

Hmm. You know what? You know what?

What if we were to do it in the dark, dark recesses

- of the closet over there? - Oh, yeah, that sounds great.

- Okay. - All right.

[clattering]

Oh, God, there's some stuff in there, sorry.

Oh, wow, there's a lot of stuff in here.

That's gonna make for a tight fit.

Yeah, you know, that'll only be sexier.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. - Ouch, ouch.

- I can't... ow. - Ow.

- Emma? - Oh, God.

- What's going on? - Emma?

It's Maggie, shh, shh.

[knocking]

- What is going on? - Hey!

I'm dying down there.

I thought Cookie would wanna see my old hockey stick,

you know?

Remember how good I was at that?

- [toy squeaks] - Stop it, stop it, shut up.

Shut up, there's someone in here. We're not alone.

I don't hear anybody.

You shut your mouth for once in your damn life

if you wanna survive this night.

- I think we're okay, I mean. - Okay...

Maggie, you're being ridiculous.

Okay, there is a man's footprint,

a formal wear shoe, look at that.

- All right, Mags, it's just... - [screams]

- You're dead. - Oh!

Oh, my God, Mark!

[strained] Oh, oh, my larynx.

- My larynx. - Okay.

- My larynx. - Okay, I'm sorry.

I thought you were an intruder.

Gingersnap, don't you ever apologize for your strength.

Got it.

Why were you in Emma's room wearing a tuxedo?

Hey, man, I was just trying to sneak in and surprise my lady.

That's very romantic.

Excuse me, I have to take a moment...

[whispers] What's happening?

'Cause that was beautiful.

Hey, I have an idea. Wanna play some games?

One moment, Gingersnap.

I have to say something.

Oh, Bruce, I have spent most of my life closed off to intimacy,

protecting myself, but, since we've met, I've learned

to open up and lay down my emotional weapons.

I love you, babe.

I love you too.

You know what I love? Games.

Both: What?

Oh, yeah.

- Games! - What are you talking about?

Open yourself up and love some games

- What are you doing, Mags? - What is that?

- Some games

- [laughing]

We could play Skalagoes, huh?

Honey, I don't know what you're saying.

Hey, scribble Scrabble, where's the piece at?

- Something is not right there. - Let's play some games!

Okay, so, "I'm just a girl, standing here..."

"Notting Hill." "Notting Hill"!

That's it, yes!

You should've just said Julia Roberts.

Emma, don't tell me how to play the game.

Okay, fine, fine, fine, go, go, go, go.

- Turn it up, turn it up. - What is... Oh, okay.

This is a place where they're growing dinosaurs, and children

and their families come and visit.

Why would you bring a dinosaur back to life?

- What's the movie? - You know what's gonna happen.

Electricity's gonna go out, and then all hell's

- gonna break loose. - Yeah, that's exactly what

- happens, but say the movie. - Some of those dinosaurs

are really smart, like, I believe a raptor could

- use its claws to open a door. - What is...?

And then you'd be like, "Ah!" [buzzer beeps]

- Oh, what was it, babe? - It's "Jurassic Park"!

- Nuts, I didn't see that one. - What?

We should put that one on our cue though, right?

- Sounds scary. - Bruce, Cookie, you're up.

- Yes. - Who's next?

Here you guys go. Here you go, here you go.

- Ready to rock this thing? - You know I am.

- Duck. - "Nine and a Half Weeks."

- Yes. - Fire truck.

- "A Golden Pond." - Yes.

How are they getting these?

- Icicle. - "Indiana Jones:

Kingdom of the Crystal Skull."

Chicken. Chicken.

"Turner and Hooch."

[buzzer beeps]

- That was amazing. - I've seen better.

All right, you guys get up there.

- Maggie, why don't you go? - No, I'm good...

- I don't have a partner, so. - We'll all be your partner.

- Come on, we're all doing it. - I'm keeping score in my head.

You said you were open to loving some games, right?

- Come on. - Play the game, Mags.

Get up there, let's game it up.

- [overlapping chatter] - All right, games.

- Yay. - There she is.

Team of one. Team of one. Let's do it.

- All right. - Here we go.

You're gonna crush it, Mags.

Okay, okay, shh, shh, shh.

Okay, everybody's forgotten about you!

You're all alone, you're all alone!

Your only friend's an old man!

Nobody cares about you!

- All by yourself. - You're lonely!

- It's just you! - You're lonely!

- Nobody wants you! - You're lonely.

And everyone forgot about you.

Stop it!

Just stop it, for God's sake. What's wrong with you?

- What, what? - I get it.

Everybody's found their special someone

- except for this old coot. - No, Mags...

You guys can't get your hands off each other,

and that's nasty.

And you guys can't get your hands on each other.

Well, just get it over with and do it.

At least you're not all by yourself in your home alone.

Well, that's it, Mags. You got the movie.

- I got... got what? - You just guessed the movie.

"Home Alone," that was the movie.

- What? - Yeah, you won.

Why didn't you guys just go "ahh"?

It's the poster.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, those apps still have

some life in them.

- They're cream cheese. - It doesn't keep.

Mags, what is going on?

Do you still have feelings for Bruce?

No, of course not.

Well, then are you in love with Cookie?

'Cause I would understand that.

I don't know, I'm just... I'm standing there looking

at you guys, and it just feels like everyone...

Everyone has someone except for me, you know?

Okay, well, I thought you weren't ready for that.

Well, I wasn't, but I... I don't know.

- Maybe I am. - Well, if we had to

verbally abuse some game night guests

for you to figure that out, then that is totally okay.

And, just so you know, if you wanna get out there,

all I have to do is put out an APB.

- Let me handle this one. - I'll probably get involved.

Why don't you get involved with Mark's peen.

No, 'cause guess what? This is 40, okay?

Do you really think, when you take your clothes off,

that he's gonna run the other way?

No, he's gonna jump on you like an old hound dog.

What if I just wear Spanx during sex?

What do you think?

Mark, I wanna rock your body all night long

in so many different ways.

Not right now, we're watching "Happy Feet."

- Dave, hit the road. - Dave, you gotta go.

- Really? - You gotta go.

Ugh, I wish I had somebody to rock my body.

You will again, man. You will again.

See you later.

- Mark, I am so sorry. - No, I'm sorry, right?

The warm banana? What is that?

- No, I loved that. - And then I snuck into

your house, "Dawson's Creek" style.

- No, that was... - I love "Dawson's Creek."

Listen to me. I'm so happy.

And I think I just got worried that this part wouldn't work.

What are you talking about?

You haven't seen this in a while.

Emma, I can't wait to see this.

I know, but things are different, you know?

They're a little wider and longer.

You think this isn't different?

- Come on, man. - Look at this, look at this.

That wasn't there before. That's something to grab onto.

Get your hands in there. Get a hold of that, see?

- All right, all right. - How about this...

This mole here? That's new, that's interesting.

You should get that checked out.

And, I'm sorry, check out these chicken legs, right?

I'm just going straight chicken leg situations.

It's a two-piece meal.

So yeah, it's different.

But have you ever thought that it might be...

much, much better?

Get over here and get on top of my body.

Mags, mark and I did it!

We did the sex!

And it was even better than before 'cause

I got moves now, y'all.

Adult moves.

[gasps] What is this?

"Dear Emma, you must be hungry from all the sex.

"Please enjoy this plate of artisanal cheese.

Love, your best friend, Maggie."

Oh, she knows me so well.

- You're dead! - [screams]

- [chomps] - Ah!

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