All language subtitles for Playing House s01e09 Lets Have a Baby.eng

- Clear the path, everyone.
- Does it hurt?

Sir, get it against the wall.

Hands in the wall.

Do you need water or...

You know, it's interesting that

it's not like in the movies
when the pregnant lady

- is freaking out the whole time.
- No, I'm not gonna freak... ow!

What do we do? What do we do?

- ooh.
- What do we...

I don't know! I don't know!

- Press on her back.
- Is that good, honey?

I'm gonna go get you a room, okay?

No, no, no, no. I need you.

- I'm here. I'm here.
- She'll be right there.

I'm gonna be there for one second, okay?

- Okay, okay.
- But you can see her.

- Hi, hi.
- Hi.

Is it... Ramona, is it?

My best friend is in labor,

so we just need to do whatever we need to do

- to get this party started.
- Okay.

I'll get everything together
that we need to get started.

Oh... okay.

Yeah. Okay.

Oh... ahh.

I'm sorry. When you're done

with your little snack, my friend

is in a tremendous amount of pain.

I'm diabetic.

I need to have a snack every 20 minutes.

I don't think a mini snickers
is maybe the right thing

for the blood... sugar.

Ma'am?

I need your I.D. Card.

I got that. I got it, I got it.

Then you can fill out
these forms in triplicate.

Triplicate? What is this? Communist Russia?

Three forms three times.

Okay.

Rude.

Emma, don't piss these people off, okay?

They will make your life a living nightmare.

Hey, Maggie will have whatever she needs,

and it is my job to make it happen.

Okay. Thank you so much for helping...

- Uh, Ramona, is it?
- Yeah.

Yeah, you've been a real sweetheart.

- Oh, it's no problem, sweetie.
- You really have.

It's no problem.

Oh, are you the father?

No, no, no, that's...

Bruce!

We forgot about Bruce!

- Okay, yeah, yep.
- Go tell Bruce!

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I don't mean to toot my own horn,

but how about this Southern exposure, right?

- It's good.
- See, Mags?

You don't get it unless
you ask for it, right?

Oh, get off your high horse.

It was the only room available.

Oh, not you again. Really?

Oh, I was just filling
in for Victoria up front.

Uh, I am actually your
nurse. This is my shift.

- Ugh!
- Yeah, but don't worry.

I'm gonna take very, very good care of you.

Okay, good.

The only thing that you need to know

that might be troublesome
is that your doctor,

Dr. Ullman, is not gonna be able to make it.

- What?
- What do you mean?

Where is he? He won powerball.

- What?
- He won powerball.

He bought 85 tickets and he got a winner.

No, no, no, Emma, this
is not gonna work for me.

- Yeah.
- I need Dr. Ullman here.

He's the only one that knows
my vagina inside and out.

I'll take care of this.
I will take care of this.

Ramona, this is not gonna work for us.

Well, your attending physician is Dr. J.

- Dr. J? No, no, no.
- Dr. J?

I don't like the sound of that.

What is that? A nickname?

That's not professional at all.

Well, let me tell you what.

It's actually my last name.

Hello. You must be Maggie.

Hi. I'm Dr. J.

- Oh, my.
- Oh!

It's so nice to meet you.

Well, Ramona, stop giving
these ladies a hard time

and go get us some ice chips, please.

- Yes, ma'am.
- Thank you.

Ha! So you ready to have
a baby today or what?

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

A thousand times, yes.

Great.

So, how are you feeling, sweetheart?

You look amazing.

Oh, God, you look amazing.

I'm sorry for the last-minute switcheroo.

You know, that's never fun.

But let me tell you, everything is on track.

The baby's heartbeat sounds strong,

blood work came back perfect.

You clearly are a pro at this.

Oh, am I?

You know, I've delivered over...

Well, I don't want to age myself...

But over 3,000 births.

- Oh, my God.
- Wait, what?

- Yeah.
- That's impossible.

- You look so young.
- Oh, please!

And listen, these fluorescent lights

aren't doing me any favors.

Oh, are you kidding me?

You don't have a line on your face.

Come on. You're so gorgeous.

You're just a stunning woman.

- Just stunning head to toe.
- Thank you.

Top to bottom. I mean, I was like, "whoo!"

You know? Yeah, I was, "is this like a-

is this a hospital room or a catwalk?"

You know, that's what I was saying.

- So beautiful.
- I'm sorry.

I'm Emma. Sorry.

- Hi, Emma.
- I just had a quick question.

37 weeks... you're absolutely
sure that's not too soon

- for this baby to...
- Oh, my God, stop it.

- I'm just nervous.
- No, I told her it was fine.

It's absolutely fine.

My wife Teri just had our
first baby at 37 weeks.

Everything was right as rain.

- Aww. See?
- Oh, good.

- So don't worry.
- Don't worry.

Now, how long have you two known each other?

Oh, my God, just, like, forever.

- Yeah.
- Our whole lives really.

Yeah, from childhood and then...

Well, we really kicked it
up in high school, though.

Yeah, we took it up to the next level.

- Yeah.
- Okay!

Well, nothing makes me happier
than getting to deliver

a baby from a happy couple like you two.

Well, anyways, us gays,
we gotta stick together.

- Am I right or what?
- Yeah, you're right.

- Yeah.
- You're right.

"Us gays"?

Why didn't we tell her that we're not gay?

I don't know. I went like this.

I did too. Like a power...

Like a "power to the people."

- Is that what they do?
- No!

- I think that's wrong.
- And anyhow,

why did we let her believe
that we were lesbians?

What were we gonna say?
That we're not lesbians?

Oh, I know, and then she would have felt

like we were judging her.

Oh, my God. But we have to tell her, right?

She's made me feel so comfortable.

I wouldn't want to do anything, you know...

Yeah, I know, to make it, like, weirder.

Yeah.

Somebody need a double hip press?

Oh, my God. Zach!

I can't believe you made it.

- I'm so happy.
- Yeah.

I didn't know where you were.

Well, I went to Taos.

- Taos, New Mexico?
- That's correct.

I went to a doula intensive

where you witness births
and you learn techniques

to assist a woman through the
precious journey of labor.

Aww.

I am now a certified doula in training.

It's your "push" present.

Oh, Zach, that is so sweet.

You know, that's funny.
I went to learn how to be

a doula, but I left
learning how to be a man.

I feel like I've found my life's calling.

- Yeah.
- Well, you certainly found

- a bunch of scarves.
- I did.

Why do you have one tied on your leg?

You look like Johnny Depp
from Pirates of the Caribbean.

A higher compliment

has never been paid to me.

What is that? What are you doing?

- That's Johnny Depp.
- Oh, my God.

These scarves are one of my many tools

that I use in the birthing process.

This one in particular is very handy

for spinning a breech baby
using the rebozo method.

You get low center of
gravity, under the hump.

"Under the hump"?

That's right, Mags. Blegh.

- No. I'm having another one.
- No? Oh, it's happening.

- One's happening.
- Hold on one second.

I want you to lie down on your side.

- Okay.
- Okay?

And I want you to put this
right in-between your legs.

- What is this?
- This is a pubic moth.

- What?
- That does feel much better.

Thank you. Oh, Zach, you are a magician.

It's not magic. It's just an understanding

of the female form.

This is magic.

A starburst!

Okay, all right. That was good, though.

- You did a good job.
- Yeah, thanks, sweetie.

- Yeah.
- Oh, hey, hey, hey.

There's Dr. J. Should we just, you know,

tell her that we're not lesbians?

You know what, it might
be good just to be honest.

You know, just, like, rip the band-aid off.

Okay, okay, we'll do it.

- Hi.
- Hi, my favorite ladies.

Aww.

- Taking a walk?
- Yep, yeah.

We're just stretching it out and...

Deep lunges really work.

Apparently Pink tried it.

Shook the baby right out of her.

- How about that?
- Wait.

Did you read that in US Weekly?

- I did.
- God, she's just like us.

You're just like us.

It's one of my guilty pleasures.

That and Real Simple.

- Aww.
- Wait. Real Simple magazine?

I've subscribed since the first issue.

Oh, my God. This one never shuts up about...

What is it? "New uses for old things"?

Oh, yeah, the bundt pan that's used as a...

Corn holder!

Oh, my God! Don't even get me started.

We use that every summer at
our beach house on Block Island.

- Oh, come on!
- Wow.

Well, Dr. J, we... we just
wanted to tell you that, um,

we... uh, ugh! How do I... um...

You know, my wife Teri and I

are headed that way this summer.

You two should join us.

- Shut your mouth.
- Oh, my God.

- On Block Island?
- Yeah.

- We would absolutely love to.
- Great.

It's our lovers and couples weekend.

- What?
- Okay, okay, okay.

That's, um... your couples...

- So it's...
- Your standard...

standard couples and also lovers.

So you have to be a couple
or a lover, then, to attend.

- Right.
- I get it.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

Well, we love each other,

and we are c... a couple.

So why wouldn't we, right? We just...

What are you... Okay.

- Mags!
- Oh, God.

Who's that very short-armed man?

- That's our, uh, cousin...
- Sperm donor.

It's the cousin of our sperm donor.

Yeah, our sperm donor died
in a fiery motorcycle...

Car accident. He was
actually in the sidecar.

Collision, uh-huh.

- Sidecar?
- Yeah.

- And then we became friends...
- Guys, I almost didn't make it.

- Oh, thank God you're here.
- Oh.

Wow, well, I will let you guys catch up.

It's amazing what your
cousin did for these two.

I'm sorry for his untimely passing.

Okay.

Wait, what happened to cousin Tony?

Just shut up, shut up. Just shut up.

- Tony Joes is dead?
- No, no, no, no.

- Shut up, shut up, shut up.
- Oh, my God.

- No, no, stop.
- Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

We're just lunging it out,

- Pink style.
- Oh, my God.

So I'm the sperm donor.

No, no, no, you're the
cousin of the sperm donor.

He died in a fiery crash.

But Tony Joes is okay?

- Oh, my God.
- Yes, Tony Joes is okay.

Thank God. I love that guy.

- Ah, I know.
- Why are we doing this again?

because we messed up

and we told Dr. J that we were lesbians,

but we can't tell her that it's a lie

because then it would be really weird

when we need her to deliver the baby.

Yeah, plus, she invited us to Block Island,

which is like a dream
of mine, you know that.

- Come on.
- I'm the sperm donor's brother.

Oh, my God, you're the cousin.
You're the cousin.

Cousin. God damn it!
I can't do anything right.

I almost missed this thing.

It's the one seven-hour
stretch that I'm at a carnival,

you know, and then you go into labor.

It's perfect.

What were you doing at a carnival

for seven hours, Bruce?

'Cause I was winning you this.

What is that?

It's a dolphin, Maggie.

Why are you staring at me like that?

It's a dolphin.

I'm sorry. I'm not... I don't...

I'm not following, and I don't...

Remember?

We took our honeymoon in Kissimmee.

We wanted to go swimming with dolphins...

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

But we couldn't because they
accidentally mixed in a porpoise

and it got really aggressive
with one of the toddlers and...

- Took a toe off.
- Yeah.

And we had to spend the
whole day at a Denny's,

and you were so sad.

Yeah, because the pool
that we were gonna swim in

was filled with blood.

That's what you want to remind me of?

No, I wanted to say...

Here's your dolphin.

You can swim with it now.

You can swim with it now.

What's happening? Why is she staring at me?

She's having a contraction.

- This is a contraction?
- Okay, yes.

It's coming right now. I can get it.

- No, no.
- Can I help get it out?

No, no, no, no. I don't need this.

Okay, can everyone get out, please?

Hey, I am your emotional liaison.

- I don't know.
- Bruce, let's go.

How are you eating that Jell-O

and crying this hard at the same time?

I eat on an inhale.

Oh, my God.

I just got Jell-O lodged in my trachea.

- You just choked on Jell-O?
- I just choked on Jell-O.

Okay, well, you know what?

This isn't in the doula handbook,

but I'm gonna slap you across the face.

- Do you think it'll help?
- I do.

Huh. Okay.

Uh, so maybe, like,

kind of count me in, you know what I mean?

Like a one...

- Are you dead?
- No.

That was really good. Yeah.

That felt great. That felt great.

Okay, you're welcome.

Now, what's going on?

I don't want to screw up being a dad

the same way that I screwed up my marriage.

I don't want to mess up for this baby

'cause I love her already,

and she's not even out of Maggie yet.

Look, Bruce, you did mess
up with Maggie, okay?

But you haven't messed
up with this baby yet.

You have a clean slate.

This is your chance to prove

that you are gonna be a good dad.

I do want to prove it.

Good, so when we go back into that room,

what are you gonna do?

- I'm gonna keep it together.
- That's right.

I'm not even gonna mention

that I almost choked on this Jell-O.

I want you to literally tell her nothing

- about yourself, okay?
- Okay.

Can you do me one more favor?

Can you hit me in the face one more time?

Aah!

All right, okay.

I want you to think about the cool waves

at Block Island, okay?

Okay, okay. My toes are in the sand.

Yeah, and there's Dr. J, and...

And Teri's just brought out

some fresh clams for a clam bake.

oh, my God, on a hand-painted tray.

- Yeah, mm-hmm.
- Thank you, Teri.

- She shouldn't have, right?
- No.

And then they're passing
out cashmere pashminas

- that we can take home.
- What?

- The take-home is cashmere?
- Yep.

- Oh, my God, Teri!
- Teri!

Oh.

- Oh, God.
- Okay.

All right, and you're done.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Let me get you some water.
- Okay.

There we go.

You think there will really be cashmere?

Oh, I know there will.

Is now a good time?

Do you have it together?

He's got it together. Doula's honor.

I just want to say that...

Oh, here we go.

Okay, don't propose to me, man.

I can't... I can't handle it right now.

No, I'm not.

This is a proposal for an apology.

Okay, just... You can just apologize.

Okay, look, I know I really
messed things up with you,

and I know I can't go back and fix it.

But I'm gonna be there
100% for this little girl.

Whatever she needs, I'm
gonna be the best dad around.

Thank you, Bruce.
That's... that means a lot.

Now, if anybody needs me,
I'm gonna be in the corner

blowing up this plastic
dolphin with air from my mouth.

All right, buddy.

Oh. Full house.

- Yeah.
- Hey.

Who haven't I met?

Oh, well, this is, um,
Maggie's brother Zach.

I just got back from a
doula intensive in Taos,

so if you need somebody
to tag in at any point...

- Okay.
- I got it.

Thank you. Hi, Maggie.

- Hi.
- Hi. How are you feeling?

Is the pain bearable?

- Yeah, I'm doing good.
- Good.

I think I'm gonna still try to
do it without an epidural, so...

Yeah, Maggie's really strong.

I always say she's like
an old thoroughbred mare.

- Ow.
- You know?

That's what first attracted
me to her, her strength.

I remember in our commitment ceremony,

I was a mess, but this old thoroughbred...

She was just strong as a rock.

Wow. Where was it?

Oh, in Boca Raton.

Um, I was wearing a tankini two-piece,

and you were in a sleeveless
white tuxedo top, right?

With, uh... Yeah, mmhmm.

Some Capri pants.

Yes.

They were by, um... what was the designer?

- Hugo, uh...
- Hugo Boss.

- Yep.
- Yeah.

I always love the cut of his suits...

Oh! Okay.

- Heret comes.
- Okay.

Okay, you need something?

That pillow. That weird pillow.

Pillow... Zach, Zach,
can you get the pillow?

- It's not in here.
- Zach, come on, man.

Grab the pillow!

It's a pillow, and it looks like a moth.

- Keep breathing.
- Use the dolphin!

Use the dolphin!

- Quiet.
- Use the dolphin.

- Focus please.
- Oh, God.

Don't press down, man!

- Shh, shh, keep breathing.
- What is this?

What is this? Nobody wants that.

Nobody wants that. Oh, my God.

Wait, get your head out
from between her legs!

That is so weird of you.

I think there's a hole in there.

- Oh, God. Okay.
- Get the dolphin away from me!

I'm trying to do this
for my baby, all right?

You know what, it's our child,

because you are the
cousin of the sperm donor...

Of course I recall. It's my cousin.

No, no, no, no.

Shut up for a second!

Everybody just be quiet.

In this moment... In this moment,

I'm gonna tell the truth.

Okay, he's not the cousin
of the sperm donor.

He's the dad.

And this is my best friend,

and this is my brother, and you're Dr. J.

And I'm having a contraction,
and then I'm gonna have a baby.

Okay, I-I don't know what's going on here.

We're really sorry, Dr. J.

We let you believe we were lesbians

because you're just such
a good doctor and...

We didn't want to make it weird,

but we made it weird anyway.

Yeah, and we just wanted you to like us.

So, um, I am actually the best friend.

Yeah, and we just wanted
you opped everhing,.

And I moved in to help her with the baby.

Okay.

For the record, this a little lesbian-y.

- Oh, okay.
- Okay.

Okay, okay.

I know, I know, I know. Oh, it hurts.

- Oh, God!
- Where is Ramona?

I called her, like, five minutes ago!

Okay, Zach, can you get
me the warm rice thing

in the sock, please?

Emma, I don't...
I don't think I can do this.

No, you're doing so great.
You're doing great.

Okay, but I think I might need an epidural.

I know I said I didn't want one. Is it bad?

You are gonna have whatever you want.

I don't care. I'll go Shirley
MacLaine on these people.

Shirley MacLaine from Steel Magnolias?

No, no, no. Terms of Endearment,honey.

- Terms of Endearment.
- Okay, thank you!

How are we doing?

I'm in a lot of pain, and I'm hurting.

I know. That's because
you're almost close, honey.

I'm gonna go wash up,
but you're doing great.

Dr. J, can I talk to you for a second?

Zach, Zach... I'm gonna be right back.

Okay, I'm gonna be right back.

Okay, I know we said we
didn't want an epidural,

but we actually have changed our mind.

Oh, well, it's too late for that.

What are you talking about?

She's about to start pushing.

There's no time.

No, no, no. Somebody
should have told me that

because we need to figure
something out, then.

Because she is in a lot of pain right now.

So what I need you to do is go
get an anesthesiologist, okay?

Thank you very much.

I'm going to remind you
that you're her best friend,

and I am her doctor.

And it's not advisable right now.

That baby is too far down.

If you want mom and baby to be healthy,

we cannot have an epidural.

I know, but I promised her

that I would get her an epidural.

She needs an epidural.

The only thing she needs right now...

is you.

I'm gonna go get suited up.

I'll meet you in there.

We're about to have a baby.

Okay.

Shirley MacLaine.

Ahem!

Aaaahhhh!

I can see the head!

She's got all this hair. It's gorgeous!

Okay, this is very exciting.
This is very exciting.

Maggie, just a couple more
good pushes like that.

You're doing great.

Okay, but I'm tired. I'm so, so tired.

I know, but you're doing so good.

You're doing so good, okay?

Can she just maybe take it out

and then I'll see you
on the other side of it?

'Cause I'm just, like, real tired

is what is happening.

You know what? We're almost done.

Also, it hurts is what it does, is it hurts.

We're almost done.

So can you just give me one more push?

No, I can't. I can't.

No, no! Maggie?

Can't do it.

Okay.

Okay.

All right, listen to me. Listen to me.

I'm gonna get real dark with
you for just one second.

But I promise you,
it will have a good ending.

All right, do you remember the morning

of your parents' funeral?

- What?
- Stay with me.

When we got to the chapel
you said, "I can't do it.

I can't say goodbye to them."

And I said, "yes, you can.

Yes you can, because I'm
gonna be right here with you."

- Okay.
- So you leaned on my shoulder

and you walked down that aisle.

Okay, well, guess who's here right now.

Your mom.

She's here. She's here, Mags, yes.

And she's wearing that weird housecoat

she used to wear at high school

that we tried to throw out so many times.

Oh, that was ugly.

So you know what I want you to do?

I want you to grab my hand.

And I want you to grab her hand.

And I want you to push
that baby right out of you.

Okay.

Okay? I love you. Let's do this!

- Okay.
- Let's do this!

- Let's do it!
- Let's have a baby, okay?

Come on!

It's coming, it's coming, it's coming.

Okay, okay. Okay.

Hold that push, hold it.

Hold it.

I can see it!

You have a beautiful baby girl.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

I'm sorry! I'm sorry. Did we wake you?

Hey! Oh, God, how is she?

Is she good? Are they good?

You don't understand.

She pushed it out of her.
She was phenomenal.

I mean, honestly, she is the
strongest person in the world.

Where is Tina? Is everything okay?

Oh, yeah, it's okay. It's fine.

No, she's, um... She went to her mom's.

She, uh, she needs a
couple of days to cool off.

What's her name?

Charlotte, after Maggie's mom.

And... oh, my God, Mark...
You don't understand.

She is the most beautiful
thing you've ever seen.

She has these big blue eyes.

And she came out, and it was just like,

"Rawwrr! I'm here!"

You know? I mean, she's
probably a baby genius.

But we're gonna encourage
her to be whatever she wants.

You know, like a senator
or a cosmonaut or...

I mean, if she wants to
work at Claire's Boutique,

that's okay with us,
just as long as she's happy.

You know what, I don't...

I don't think I've ever seen you this happy.

Ha ha!

I bought you some of this, uh,

junk food stuff that you like

just because I figured you
needed a little sustenance.

Oh, please, I didn't do anything.

It was all Maggie.

Well, hey, I think you...

had a little something to do with it.

But do you want to meet her?

Absolutely, I want to meet her, yeah!

I'm pretty sure she has,
like, Julia Roberts' hair

'cause I can see it already coming in.

Okay, everyone, first family photo.

All right, now what's our rule?

What's our rule?

Oh, God, no areolas.

Yeah, nobody's interested
in seeing your areolas

- in their inbox.
- Well, that's not true.

Is that my bathrobe?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's your bathrobe.

Dr. J, get in here!

Hi, everybody.

Oh, Ramona, can you take a
picture... wide shot, no flash?

Okay, here we go.

1...2...

I found my pelvic pillow.

What?

I'm driving like 5 miles
an hour, is that okay?

Yeah, you could go slower.

Okay.

She's got a real tight grip on my finger.

Ah, that's 'cause she's a tiny
baby champion, that's why.

- Yes, she is. Yes, she is.
- Oh, what is she fussing about?

Shh, shh, shh...

Oh, you know what?

I know what'll soothe the savage beast.

The smooth vocals of one Mr. Kenny Loggins.

It's our favorite.

And a trip down good ol' Main Street.

Oh... oh, my God.

It's your first trip down Main Street.

- She loves it.
-
Please, celebrate me home

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