All language subtitles for Peter Kays Car Share s01e04.eng

And do I sound all right or
do I sound like a robot?

'You sound like you
normally do.' Do I?

Do I sound like I'm in a tin box?

My mum said I sound like
I'm underwater.

'Are you underwater?'

No. I'm in the car.
What are you on about?

'And where's your phone,
on your knee?'

No, no. It's at the side of me. It's
all Bluetooth now, it's hands free.

'Wow.'

Are you there? Hello? I can't
hear you now, you've gone.

Hello? Kayleigh?

'All right, all right, I heard you,

'I just didn't say
anything, I'm doing my lippy.'

Lipstick? You best get
a wriggle on, I'm nearly here.

'What, already?' Yeah.

'Just hang on,
I've not got my bra on yet.'

MUSIC: Labour of Love
by Hue And Cry.

Just get in the car.

Just get in the car. Come on!

Get in the car. What were you doing?

I was doing me Beyonce.

Come on, we're going to be late.
All right.

I went to watch her last night
at the arena.

She was shamazing!

Best night of my life, ever.

Good then, was she?

Oh, unbelievable, John,
two and a half hours, nonstop.

You never said you were going.
Did you have a date?

Joking, aren't you?
My inbox has been barren for weeks.

No, our Mandy
and her mate had a spare ticket,

it was all very last minute.

But OMG!

She was amazing.

And she's sexy
but she's not slutty with it.

That's a hard balance, that.

I know, yeah. She makes me
feel inadequate as a woman.

I was sat in my onesie, after,

picking crisps out of my teeth
thinking,

"I bet Beyonce doesn't do this."

I bet she does.
She's human, at the end of the day.

She isn't, John, she squats in heels,
how does she do that?

Believe me, I've tried -
I nearly broke my back.

And she's gorgeous.

She is.

I mean, I'm not a lesbian, John,
but she would get it.

You can't say that.

Our Kelly'll be well jel
when she finds out,

she's always wanted to see her,
she loves her.

How is your Kelly getting on in
Australia, has she settled in yet?

She's OK, yeah. Homesick.

It's a good job Skype's free.
I speak to her every night,

I speak to her more now than I did
when she was back here.

It is amazing, Skype. We were
talking to me cousin the other week.

It were her birthday.

It's nice, yeah,
brings people together.

I know, but she only lives three
streets away - lazy bitch.

RADIO: 'This is Forever FM.

'The cruise ship Ireland Virgin has
been hit by a norovirus outbreak

'and is currently languishing in
port after reports that more

'than 150 people have
suffered from the vomiting bug...'

Awful. Oh.

I wish I'd thrown a sickie today.

Don't be saying that to me. Why?

I'm management. I could sack you.

As if.

You know when you just
fancy a day off?

Lying on the settee with a duvet,

catching up on my soaps.
Been ages since I last did that.

I haven't had a sick day...

I can't remember the last time.
Well, you should try it,

my grandad's died four times
in the last ten years.

Eh?

My grandad,
he dies every time I get a new job,

when I fancy a few days off.
You can't do that.

I've never met him - he died before
I was born so I don't feel bad.

That's sacrilege! Nonsense.
You'll burn in hell.

The only hell I know, John,
is standing in the middle

of an aisle trying to get people
to sample my Mini Cheddars.

You don't believe in all that hoopty,
do you? What?

Heaven and hell and the Bible
and all that tosh.

Come on. What? You shock me. Why?

Really? Yeah, why?

You'll be telling me
dinosaurs existed next.

Are you for real?
Of course they existed.

Bullcrap.

Of course they existed,
how do you explain the bones?

Bones shmones,
you've been brainwashed.

It's all a conspiracy, you know.

Conspiracy? What are you on about?

They just look ridiculous, like...

Stupid.

They don't mention them
in the Bible.

They weren't at the Nativity,
they weren't on Noah's Ark.

The stories don't match!

What a load of utter shit.

I'm telling you.

I suppose you think the
moon landings weren't real or.

JFK wasn't assassinated.

The strong man? Who?

Geoff Capes?
JFK, cloth ears! Geoff Capes...

RADIO: '...foreverfm. Co. uk.

'Katie, David in Rochdale's
text in to ask about this hamster,

'the one you had in your kitchen
cupboard.

'He wanted to know if it was wearing
a top hat.'

Good morning, Mr Magpie,
how's your wife?

What did you say?

Good morning, Mr Magpie,
how's your wife today?

I just saw a Mr Magpie.

It's on its own, it's bad luck,

so I'll keep my fingers crossed
now till I see another.

So you're telling me, you don't

believe in dinosaurs
but you're superstitious?

You're one on your own, you.
Completely different.

Is it balls.

'Course it is.

Would you walk under a ladder?

Yes. Open an umbrella indoors?

Why not?

Put new shoes on a kitchen table?
Cross on the stairs?

Step on a crack?

Watch me,
cos it's all utter bollocks, love.

No wonder you're single, John.

What's that got to do with anything?

Superstitious. You're as bad
as me dad, he were like that.

If he ever saw a hearse
he used to have to hold his collar

until he saw a four legged animal.

How annoying.

You're telling me, he was
an undertaker. Got sod all done.

Was he really?

No.

RADIO: 'Playing timeless hits now
and forever and ever and ever.

'This is Forever FM.'

So have you got anything exciting
happening today?

I've got to arbitrate
a disciplinary first up.

Whose?

I can't say. Whose?

Janine Cosgrove and Elsie off deli.

Oh, yeah, what a carry on that was.
Did you see it?

I arrived at the headlock.

She was dragging her
round by her hair.

I know. Like a dog on a bitch.

Well, I'm surprised they've lasted
this long car sharing.

Janine's a strict vegan, Elsie's
meat mad. Her farts stink.

She's been doing red days
on Slimming World for years now.

Slimming World?
Have you seen the size of her?

Think she's got a problem
with her glands.

She's a problem with her hands -
they can't stop picking up quiche

and shoving it into her fat mouth!
I've seen the security cameras,

we're losing a fortune on that deli.

She's on her third written already,
so she'll be up the road.

Oh, you can't do that to her, John.
She broke Janine's nose!

Oh, I know, but she's had a really
crap year, bless her.

She's been a victim to arson

and her mum's lost her leg
to diabetes -

she put the pictures on Facebook.
Of her mum?

No, her husband's allotment.

Kids set fire to it,
they lost a full crop of marrows.

Oh. Well, I'm filling up here(!)

So I've got that first up and then
it's our team awayday today.

Oh, where are you off to?
Anywhere nice?

Nowhere, Dave Thomson decided to
make use of the big meeting room,

so we're stopping in.

Bit of a pisser.

Last year we all had
a beano to Abersoch.

Oh, it's lovely there,

we had our Mandy's hen weekend
there, all-inclusive.

I put on a stone in 48 hours
and snogged a pikey with moobs.

What? Moobs. You know, man boobs.
They were bigger than mine.

You can't say that.

Well, they were,
he could have breast-fed a creche!

No, you can't say pikey.

But he was a pikey, John.

He might have been but they don't
like you saying that about them.

Anyway, I snogged a tinker
with moobs.

He had really rough
skin on his hands -

must have been from spinning
all them waltzers. Jesus.

Well, that's not much of an awayday,
staying in work.

It's not all day either,
it's only 11 till 3.

Just like a long lunch.
What's on your agenda?

Erm, this one's about team
building, trust strategies

and motivational role-play.

What a load of hoopty. Why?

Well, it is.

Just a waste of money,

I'm sure it could be put to
better use. Like?

Well, the vending machine's been
stuck on Scotch broth

since the Olympics

and the disabled toilet's
got a crack in it.

I nipped my bum twice last week.

You shouldn't even be using it.

Oh, come on, we've all done it.
I've not.

Jobsworth.

All I'm saying is,
what's the point of having

a management awayday like this?

Well, it's all about pushing
the envelope, innit?

Like moving things forward and
knowing we're all giving 110%.

Bullcrap. Do you go on a course
to learn that jive?

What jive?

Business speak - 110%, pushing
your envelope

and all that guff.

"Somebody's thrown me a curve ball."

I mean, what a load of old balls.
Who speaks like that?

I don't know.
Why do you say it then?

You're in a good mood(!)

I think you should have
thrown that sickie.

RADIO: 'Sit in a shed this weekend
with shed surgery and Forever FM.'

'Forever FM traffic and travel

'brought to you
by Brighter Day Careers.

'Stuck in a dead-end job going
nowhere fast?

'Log on to brighterdaycareers. Co. Uk
and get your career back on track.'

Aww, cute.

'Still looking slow on the M62
between junction 18 and 19...'

Look at this. Where's he going?
CAR HORN BEEPS.

Oh, let it go.
What are you doing?

It's an adult crossing.

It's for kids.
It's for kids this, mate.

What did you say? You've no kids
with you. It's not for adults.

Say that again.
Lock your doors, lock your doors.

Say that again to my face.

Never you mind. Hurry up, love.

Yeah? How's that, eh?
Oh, you animal! Go on!

Idiot. Yeah, you'd better drive
off, you bald bastard.

I can't see. What were you doing?

Well, it's a kids' crossing,
isn't it?

I'm up to bloody here with it.
He was quite fit.

I can't see a pissing thing now.
Look at that egg.

I can't see nothing.
You're making it worse.

'This is Forever FM.'

MUSIC: MMMBop
by Hanson.

Do we have to do this?

I can't see out the windscreen.
Animal.

Should've opened me car door
and winded him.

Do we really need to do this, John?

It's all right.
I'm not having the full platinum.

Here we go. Are your windows up?
Are your windows up?

It's up, it's up.

Here she comes.

I can't do it. I can't do this,
I can't do this, John.

Hey, get off me. What's up with you?

We shouldn't have done this.
MUSIC BLARES.

Are you deaf?
I can't stand the noise.

What, MMMBop - Hanson?

What's the matter with you?

It's the water,
there's just water everywhere.

It's a carwash. What's up?

I'm aquaphobic. Got to get out.

Let me out, let me out!

We can't get out now, I only
have half the car washed.

It cost me ?6.50!

I'm having a panic attack.
Now? You pick your moments.

I'm going all funny.
Think happy thoughts.

Breathe. Just breathe.
Think happy thoughts.

Just think happy thoughts.
Think happy thoughts.

It's all right, it's all gone now,
deep breaths, that's it.

SHE CHOKES

Shit, what's up? What's up?

What's that?

Poppadom. Oh, I'm sorry,
I had that last night.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

RADIO: '...with Lancashire Scrap
Metal.

'If the outlook is rubbish,
call Keith on 08081-570-075.'

'So, here we go again, then.

'The Forever FM Golden Hour with
hits

'and headlines from a chosen year.
"It could be you."

'That's what the National Lottery
started telling us

'in this year and I've only ever had
one ball.

'The Lion King was stealing our
hearts in the cinema,

'whilst Fred and Primrose West
were arrested for the murders

'of 12 women in Gloucester
but what was the year? Let me know.

You're listening to the
Golden Hour on Forever FM.

'The Forever FM Golden Hour.'

MUSIC: Bump N'Grind
by R. Kelly

'94. Wahey!

Feeling better?

You look a bit rough.

Thanks. Well, you do.

John!

Oh, frig me.
What time's the circus?

You what?
Yeah, look at your face, Coco.

Oh, shit, I thought
it was me lip balm.

Why've I done that?
You look like Ivy Tilsley.

Thought you were dolling
yourself up for Superted.

He gets where water can't, this lad.

Look at him, he's filthy.

Fingers crossed.

Oh, so you're feeling better.

I'm not, actually,
me head's banging now,

I told you I should have
done a sickie.

Well, too late now.
Up and at 'em. Come on.

Wait, I can't go into work
looking like this.

Well, you lock her up, Baby Jane.

MUSIC IN CAR: How Bizarre
by OMC.

You all right? Not really.
What's up?

Dave Thomson is a N-O-B head.

He's just had a right go at me
in front of everyone, I'm fuming!

Why? What for?

Because I priced up
an iceberg lettuce as a cabbage.

What do I know about fruit and veg?
I'm promotions.

What were you doing
on fruit and veg?

I was covering for Gayle,
she's gone for a smear.

I priced up a "couple"
of iceberg lettuce as cabbage.

How come?

Because they look exactly the same,
that's how come.

Yeah, but they don't cost the same,
do they?

I only sold about eight.

Next minute he comes over booming,

IRISH ACCENT: "Stop right there",

"you've cost this company a fortune
today, missy." Missy!

That's uncanny. I thought
he was sat in the back, then.

Waving fruit and veg in me face.

"See this? This is a banana.
This, this is a tomato."

Sarcastic pig.

A tomato's not a fruit.

Oh, don't you start.

RADIO: 'It is the big, big drive
home. It's Forever FM.

'Hello, this is Andy.

'Have you had a good day today?
We hope you have.

'Here's a question for you -
have you ever used Botox?

'Apparently, scientists are now
looking at...'

What happened earlier? When?

This morning in the carwash, like.
What happened?

I'm so sorry, I haven't had
an episode like that in ages.

You said aquaphobia.

Yeah, it just came over me before.
I had it really bad years ago.

I had to go to counselling for it.

You're joking. I didn't think you
could get it that bad.

Oh, yeah, awful.

I didn't even have a bath or
shower in the second year.

I know. Really traumatic.

How did you cope?

Wet wipes, John. Saved me life.

Where did you get it, like?
You're not born aquaphobic are you?

I mean... No.
Well, it started...

Me mum bought me a cheap swimming
cossie off the market

and I got allergic to all the pink,
glittery butterflies on it.

My skin went just all red
and itchy and eugh!

Anyway, me mum lost her mind,

took it back to the woman
who ran the stall.

Anaphylactic?

I don't know her name.

No, I mean, that's what it is,
isn't it?

When you're allergic to something,
it's anaphylactic.

You get symptoms, like,
you get a rash and that.

Well, I did.

Swelled up like a beachball but
just in the shape of me cossie.

Weird. Anyway, the woman
wouldn't give us a refund.

Me mum lost her mind, sent
the cossie to Esther Rantzen.

Never heard anything back.

It took me years to pluck up
the courage to go back in the water

and when I finally did, I swallowed
a plaster in Rhyl Sun Centre.

RADIO: 'And we're conduction clinical
trials to help find a cure

'for asthma and other lung
and heart-related conditions.

'You'll need to be available Monday
to Friday, 10 till 4 for six weeks.

'And, if eligible,

'we may reimburse up to half your
travelling expenses.' "May"?

'To take part,
text "heart attack" to...'

Text "heart attack"! What? Oh.

You'd proper have to be
on the bones of your arse

to do that, wouldn't you?

Well...
Don't knock it till you've tried it.

I would never try it.

I could do with a bit of extra
income myself, actually.

Well, don't be doing that. Bloody
hell, things can't be that bad.

Well, they're not THAT bad
but I am constantly skint.

I shouldn't have gone to Beyonce
last night, really,

but sometimes you've just got to
live a little, John, haven't you?

Very true. You know, I'm always
trying to make ends meet.

It soon goes.

If I could just get some extra cash,
that'd help. Yeah.

Hey, is there any money
in the Christmas team

you're putting together?

I don't know.

Am I on the list?

We're calculating aisle space
and working out staff rotas

and all that carry-on.

Don't forget me.

How can I forget?
You mention it every bloody day.

You must be on a good whack
being management.

You think?

I'm an assistant manager
of a supermarket, love.

I'm hardly Lord Sugar.

You live on your own.

So do you.

Suppose, I just don't know
where it goes, John.

I've got the mortgage,
utilities, petrol money...

Oh, and I'm paying 15 quid
a month for heartsearchers.com.

Heart searchers?

You know, me online dating.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Well, that's a waste of money,
right there.

I've got me animals to pay
for every month.

What animals? I thought
you only had a dog.

Well, I have but I've also fostered
a panda, a tiger and a donkey.

You've fostered a panda,
a tiger and a...

It's those appeals, John -
they get me every time.

Them shitty appeals...

Oh, they break my heart.
I can't say no.

You're forking out for a panda,
a tiger and a donkey?

No wonder you're on your arse.
Leeki, Thor and Jackie-O.

I've never met them
but we keep in touch on Facebook.

How? They send me pictures.

They have proper seen you coming.
No, they haven't.

They're endangered species, John,
once they're gone, that'll be it.

That'll be what?
Well, they'll be extinct, won't they?

Like dinosaurs? Exactly.

Hardly. Well.

RADIO: 'Our station,
your music - together, forever.

'This is Forever FM.'

SILENCE

No.

MUSIC STARTS BRIEFLY, THEN CUTS OUT

Oh, what a balls-up.

Did that happen live on air? Yeah.

Someone is going to get sacked.

What a balls-up.

MUSIC: Everybody Wants To Rule
The World by Tears For Fears.

This song has never aged.

Never aged.

BOTH SING:
Welcome to your life

Then, they had
two black lads dancing

in the video thing.

And he was wearing
high-waisted jeans.

I used to watch it all the time

in t'pub in town.
They used to have a video jukebox.

In the pub? Yeah.
I must have only been about two.

A pound a video, it were.
Used to be packed,

if I wanted to go on it.

And they had a mechanical bull
for a few weeks.

What?

I lost my virginity on one of those.

SHE GIGGLES

You what?!

What did you say?!

Hang on a minute!

You lost your virginity
on a mechanical bull?!

Frigging hell,
what speed were it on?

Fast enough.

Why did you tell me that for?

I didn't really. Yeah.

It was a Buckaroo! A Buckaroo?

I'm just talking silly.
I don't mean it.

I bloody hope it weren't a Buckaroo.

I hope you didn't give it
to a jumble after that.

A couple of buckets missing.

RADIO: 'Forever FM, traffic
and travel, brought to you by.

'Brighter Day Career.'

PHONE RINGS

Hey up, your mate is ringing me.

Hello, Dave.

'John, it's Dave. Listen, FYI,

'I've just had Colin on from CJK

'and he's thrown us a bit
of a curveball at the 11th hour.

'He said that the earliest he can
get it to us will be close of play.

'Wednesday. Now, do you think
you can run with that?' Wednesday?

Oh, it's going to be tight.
It's going to be touch and go.

I don't think we'll have
enough boots on the ground

to wrap our heads around it.
We don't want to paint ourselves

into a corner, Dave.
'I hear you loud and clear, John,

'but we need to close the loop on
this. If we hit the ground running

'on Wednesday,
I think it'll be win-win.

'But we need to keep our powder dry.
We can't afford to drop

'the ball
at this late stage of the game.'

Yeah, agreed. We're going to have
to go belt and braces on this.

I'll speak
to the rest of the team, A-SAP.

I'm sure they'll go that extra mile.
'We need 110%, John, nothing less.'

You'll get it, Dave. I'll make sure
they're all over it, first thing.

'Oh, and thanks for sitting in
on that shite this afternoon.

'That Elsie,
she doesn't deserve a second...

'Look, are you on your own here?'
DEEP VOICE: Yes.

Ah...! Choo! 'What was that?'

I sneezed, Dave. Sorry.

'Bless you! Look, that Elsie
doesn't deserve a second chance.

'She's pissed on her chips too many
times, as far as I'm concerned,

'but if you think her personal life
is in the shitter,

'I'll take your word for it.'
She has had a rough year,

but she'll come to her senses
after a bit of leave.

You know, reflect on her life
and behaviour

and see how things pan out. 'I didn't
realise you knew her that well.'

Well, I don't, Dave,
but you hear things, don't you?

'Aye. Did you hear I had a run-in
with your wee pal Kayleigh

'this afternoon?'

Erm... no. No. Why, what happened?

'Oh, the daft cow suddenly
fancied herself as a greengrocer,

'wandered over to F&V
and turned the place upside down.

'Talk about a shambles.
32 years in retail, John,

'and I've never seen
anything like it.

'She had everything priced up wrong.

'She was practically giving
the stuff away.'

Erm, I'm sure
she was only trying to help.

'Ho! Help? Aye! Look, she almost
single-handedly closed us down.

'Lucky I was on hand,
to give her an arse kicking.

'She's not the sharpest tool
in the shed, that one, John.'

I hear what you're saying, but trust
me, her heart's in the right place.

You've just got to get to know her.
She's actually got some good ideas.

'Like?' Well, you know,
about staff morale and all that -

you know, the vending machine
in the staff canteen only serves.

Scotch broth. And the disabled
toilets... 'I like Scotch broth.'

Me, too. Who doesn't?

But are you aware the seat on the
disabled toilet's got a crack in it?

'I'm well aware. It took a great
chunk out of my arse this morning.

'And?' And they all need addressing,
is all I'm saying.

If we can make the staff happy,
I'm confident that we can... 'Look,

'don't let Kayleigh
soft soap you with all that

'hippy-happy workplace shite.

'She's playing you
like a fucking fiddle, John.

'I've got her card marked. You've
just got to realise that women

like that are only good for...'
You're breaking up, Dave.

I can't hear you.
It's this new Bluetooth. Sorry.

'All I'm saying is,
you can't put lipstick on a pig.

'And if her grandad dies one more
time this year...' What's that?!

MIMICS TRANSMISSION BREAKING UP
'I can hear you fine.'

'John?' No, you're cutting out.
I'll have to call you back.

What an effin' arsehole!
'What was that?!'

It was the radio, Dave.
The Archers, Ta-ra!

What did you say that for?!

(Has he gone now?)

Course he's gone! And so will I be,
down the bloody labour exchange.

What did you... What did you say
that for?! "Effin' arsehole"!

When have they ever said that
on The Archers?!

He IS an effin' arsehole! But
you didn't have to tell him that!

I did! I did have to tell him.
I hate him. Did you hear him?

IMITATES DAVE: "Almost
got us closed down.

Going to give her
an arse kicking."

He's not Asian!
I'm going to kick his arse.

I'll kick his Irish arse back to
Ballykissangel. He's not Irish!

He's Scottish, you tool!
Oh, let it go. I don't believe you.

I don't understand
what goes on in your mind.

Why didn't you stick up for me?! I
did stick... I did stick up for you!

No. I did stick up for you. I said
Scotch broth, disabled toilets. No!

I did say the toilets. He called
me "a pig with lipstick".

Well, he might have had a point.

I just used to come to work every
day and nothing would ever happen.

Nothing!
I would just sail in and sail out.

Oh, don't say that, John. What?

You know how much I hate water.
Oh, for the love of God!

'John? Are you still there, John?'

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