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1
00:00:03,280 --> 00:00:05,359
SAT-NAV: 'Please make a U-turn.'
2
00:00:05,360 --> 00:00:08,039
I don't think you know where
you're going, you, love.
3
00:00:08,040 --> 00:00:10,160
You're taking me all
over the bloody place.
4
00:00:11,600 --> 00:00:14,119
SAT-NAV: 'Immediately
make a U-turn.'
5
00:00:14,120 --> 00:00:17,519
I can't do a U-turn, I'm in
the middle of the road, love.
6
00:00:17,520 --> 00:00:21,439
SAT-NAV: 'Please turn
right and make a U-turn.'
7
00:00:21,440 --> 00:00:22,639
It's not that one.
8
00:00:22,640 --> 00:00:24,479
SAT-NAV: 'The route
is being calculated.'
9
00:00:24,480 --> 00:00:25,600
Where are we going?!
10
00:00:28,880 --> 00:00:31,119
Where is this now?
SAT-NAV: 'Prepare to turn right.'
11
00:00:31,120 --> 00:00:34,319
OK. I'm prepared. I'm prepared.
12
00:00:34,320 --> 00:00:35,959
I've been round here twice.
13
00:00:35,960 --> 00:00:37,239
SAT-NAV: 'Now, turn right.'
14
00:00:37,240 --> 00:00:38,879
This is ridiculous, this.
15
00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:42,599
SAT-NAV: 'Please follow the road
for three quarters of a mile.'
16
00:00:42,600 --> 00:00:45,080
Yeah. I've passed
these houses twice.
17
00:00:46,080 --> 00:00:48,679
That dog were a bloody puppy.
18
00:00:48,680 --> 00:00:51,879
Now where are we?
Absolute piss take.
19
00:00:51,880 --> 00:00:54,199
SAT-NAV: 'The route
is being calculated.'
20
00:00:54,200 --> 00:00:55,719
Me and you are going to fall out.
21
00:00:55,720 --> 00:00:57,559
I'll tell you that right now.
22
00:00:57,560 --> 00:01:00,599
Would have been easier pulling into
the garage and getting a bloody map.
23
00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:02,639
SAT-NAV: 'Now, turn right.'
24
00:01:02,640 --> 00:01:03,679
HE HONKS THE HORN
25
00:01:03,680 --> 00:01:06,959
Just wait there.
Whoa! Play the game.
26
00:01:06,960 --> 00:01:08,600
SAT-NAV: 'Please make a U-turn.'
27
00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:12,359
Last chance.
28
00:01:12,360 --> 00:01:14,039
SAT-NAV: 'Please turn left.
29
00:01:14,040 --> 00:01:18,559
'At the end of the road and
then immediately turn left.
30
00:01:18,560 --> 00:01:21,279
'You have reached your destination.'
31
00:01:21,280 --> 00:01:23,799
Well this is a dead end!
I can't go down here.
32
00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:25,399
SAT-NAV: 'Now, go straight.'
33
00:01:25,400 --> 00:01:28,039
Argh, you're off your tits.
34
00:01:28,040 --> 00:01:31,280
Right, well, if this isn't it,
you can bloody walk to work.
35
00:01:32,680 --> 00:01:35,439
SAT-NAV: 'You have reached
your destination.'
36
00:01:35,440 --> 00:01:38,200
Finally. This is it.
37
00:01:41,800 --> 00:01:43,800
What's up? You sulking now, are you?
38
00:01:47,720 --> 00:01:50,760
DOORBELL RINGS TO TUNE OF
'SINGLE LADIES' BY BEYONCE
39
00:01:57,480 --> 00:02:00,319
Hi! Hi there, you all right?
Did you find me all right?
40
00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:03,080
Not a bother, straight
to the door. Coolio.
41
00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:15,479
I'm actually a bit nervous, I've
never been in a car with a stranger
42
00:02:15,480 --> 00:02:19,200
before. Well, I know you're not a
stranger, but you know what I mean.
43
00:02:22,520 --> 00:02:24,479
Do you mind if I turn the radio on?
44
00:02:24,480 --> 00:02:25,519
Go for it.
45
00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:26,560
TALK RADIO
46
00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:32,920
MUSIC RADIO
47
00:02:35,240 --> 00:02:36,400
I love this.
48
00:02:39,600 --> 00:02:42,959
So do you think this car
share thingy's going to work?
49
00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:45,519
Not if we have to listen
to THIS every day.
50
00:02:45,520 --> 00:02:49,599
I love Forever FM, they play
timeless hits, now and forever.
51
00:02:49,600 --> 00:02:52,239
I wouldn't say Martika's
Kitchen was timeless.
52
00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:54,000
Well, you remembered it.
53
00:02:55,240 --> 00:02:59,239
RADIO:
My desire's running
Longer than a country mile
54
00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:03,639
So true, you can
Make all my wishes.
55
00:03:03,640 --> 00:03:06,599
So why do you think
they're doing this?
56
00:03:06,600 --> 00:03:09,439
Doing what?
Car sharing.
57
00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:12,159
Apparently it's good
for the environment.
58
00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:15,040
That and the fact we haven't got
enough car park spaces at work.
59
00:03:17,840 --> 00:03:20,120
In Martika's kitchen, baby...
60
00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:27,839
Here, stick your drink in there.
61
00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:31,280
Watch yourself, it doesn't fit
all cups, don't force it. Ah!
62
00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:37,959
You're having a laugh!
You're having a laugh!
63
00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:40,879
I'm so sorry, I'm mortified, John.
64
00:03:40,880 --> 00:03:42,759
I'm... It's not a good start, is it?
65
00:03:42,760 --> 00:03:44,519
No, it's not a good
start, not at all.
66
00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:49,839
Not at all a good start.
What is it? Red Bull?
67
00:03:49,840 --> 00:03:52,159
Is it Red Bull? Fennel?
Sweet and sour?
68
00:03:52,160 --> 00:03:54,319
It smells of sweet and
sour. What is it?
69
00:03:54,320 --> 00:03:56,279
It's just a sample.
70
00:03:56,280 --> 00:03:58,039
A sample, a sample of what?
71
00:03:58,040 --> 00:04:00,200
My urine.
72
00:04:01,200 --> 00:04:04,559
It's in my mouth! It's in my mouth!
73
00:04:04,560 --> 00:04:06,239
I've got your piss in my mouth.
74
00:04:06,240 --> 00:04:08,519
I'm so sorry.
What is happening?
75
00:04:08,520 --> 00:04:10,439
Why have you got a sample in that?
76
00:04:10,440 --> 00:04:13,239
That's why it's called a sample,
you put it in sample pot, love,
77
00:04:13,240 --> 00:04:15,519
you don't put it in a pop
bottle, with a sports top.
78
00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:16,559
I'm sorry.
79
00:04:16,560 --> 00:04:20,319
I had no choice, our Kieran's
taken my funnel to Basra.
80
00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:22,279
Too much. Oh, my God, I stink.
81
00:04:22,280 --> 00:04:26,359
That explains the sweet and
sour, doesn't it? You dirty...
82
00:04:26,360 --> 00:04:28,839
I'm not dirty, thank
you very much, John.
83
00:04:28,840 --> 00:04:31,519
I use a funnel for hygiene reasons,
so it doesn't go on my hands.
84
00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:32,879
I don't need to know that!
85
00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:34,599
It's all right for you,
you can just aim.
86
00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:37,039
40 minutes I was squatting
through Daybreak.
87
00:04:37,040 --> 00:04:39,079
Oh, my God, I don't believe this.
88
00:04:39,080 --> 00:04:41,599
Turn round, I'll go back and
dry your shirt in my dryer.
89
00:04:41,600 --> 00:04:42,679
I've no time for that!
90
00:04:42,680 --> 00:04:45,039
I've got an appraisal at
half nine with Dave Thomson
91
00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:47,120
and I walk in stinking
like a gents' piss stones.
92
00:04:53,520 --> 00:04:54,959
RADIO: 'At Clear Vista Windows,
93
00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:58,319
'we're shattering prices on
our UPVC windows and doors.
94
00:04:58,320 --> 00:05:02,039
'And smashing the cost of
our cosy conservatories.'
95
00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:03,080
Did you?
96
00:05:04,480 --> 00:05:05,999
Did I what?
97
00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:07,040
Run the world.
98
00:05:14,120 --> 00:05:16,999
RADIO: 'You have to guess who
it is. This is so easy, Katie.
99
00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:19,999
'Can you put them in the toaster
Absolutely. Here we go.
100
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:21,279
'So then, in the toaster
101
00:05:21,280 --> 00:05:24,239
'this morning we have a
major Hollywood star.'
102
00:05:24,240 --> 00:05:26,480
Nearly dry.
Aye, still stinks, though.
103
00:05:28,040 --> 00:05:29,400
It's making me hungry.
104
00:05:32,840 --> 00:05:35,159
How am I going to explain the smell?
105
00:05:35,160 --> 00:05:37,719
You could say you got mugged.
106
00:05:37,720 --> 00:05:41,360
Mugged? What kind of a sick
mugger throws piss on you?
107
00:05:46,160 --> 00:05:47,560
You could wear my cardi?
108
00:05:50,360 --> 00:05:51,680
I'll pass, thanks.
109
00:05:56,280 --> 00:05:58,239
RADIO: 'Looking OK
so far this morning,
110
00:05:58,240 --> 00:06:00,199
'there are a few things
to mention, though.
111
00:06:00,200 --> 00:06:02,279
'On the M60 at junction 3
we have a few delays
112
00:06:02,280 --> 00:06:03,599
'because of a broken down car.
113
00:06:03,600 --> 00:06:06,599
'It is just being recovered now, so
hopefully that will be sorted soon.
114
00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:08,159
'The M6, we've got roadworks there,
115
00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:11,039
'heading northbound between
junction 22 and 24.
116
00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:13,519
'So a bit of a queue there.
It will add about 20 minutes
117
00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:16,519
'onto your journey, particularly
if you're using the M6 there.
118
00:06:16,520 --> 00:06:19,839
'And in the city, Luke Street is
closed this week, so delays around
119
00:06:19,840 --> 00:06:21,120
'the Blackhurst...'
120
00:06:28,600 --> 00:06:30,680
Nearly dry.
Is it? Very good.
121
00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:36,319
Are you going on holiday this year?
122
00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:38,879
No. Did you go anywhere last year?
123
00:06:38,880 --> 00:06:41,480
No. Year before?
124
00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:45,999
No. Blooming heck, you
don't get out much, do you?
125
00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:47,760
I've been busy working, all right?
126
00:06:49,360 --> 00:06:51,479
I went away the year
before, if you must know.
127
00:06:51,480 --> 00:06:54,519
Where did you go? Malta.
128
00:06:54,520 --> 00:06:56,439
Oh, nice, did you go to Bugibba?
129
00:06:56,440 --> 00:07:00,199
Bugibba. BuGibba.
Bugibba. Bugibba.
130
00:07:00,200 --> 00:07:01,839
Yes, I did.
131
00:07:01,840 --> 00:07:03,919
Who did you go there with?
132
00:07:03,920 --> 00:07:07,479
Erm, I went with my ex.
133
00:07:07,480 --> 00:07:09,039
Do I know him? Him?!
134
00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:10,759
Does he work at our place?
135
00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:12,599
He?! He?!
136
00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:13,999
Sorry, I thought you were gay.
137
00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:18,399
Gay? I'm not gay, in any
sense of the word, right?
138
00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:20,559
OK. Fair enough.
139
00:07:20,560 --> 00:07:22,399
Touched a nerve.
140
00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:25,599
What made you think I were gay?
141
00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:27,039
Well, you're always on your own.
142
00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:29,759
'KIN HELL! AND?! And you live
with your mum, don't you?
143
00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:32,719
No, I... No, I do not live
with my mum, thank you.
144
00:07:32,720 --> 00:07:35,079
Well, it was Diane off non-foods,
she said you were gay.
145
00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:38,479
Did she? Did she indeed? Well,
I'll be having bloody words with
146
00:07:38,480 --> 00:07:40,559
Diane off non-foods,
casting aspersions.
147
00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:43,079
Oh, don't say I said anything,
it was at the Christmas party
148
00:07:43,080 --> 00:07:45,439
last year and you got up to
I Am What I Am.
149
00:07:45,440 --> 00:07:48,679
AND?! And you were dancing
a bit too enthusiastically.
150
00:07:48,680 --> 00:07:50,199
Mother of pearl!
151
00:07:50,200 --> 00:07:53,519
The world's gone mad, when a man
can't dance to Gloria Gaynor
152
00:07:53,520 --> 00:07:55,999
without being accused
of being a 'omosexual.
153
00:07:56,000 --> 00:07:59,279
A what? An 'omosexual?
It's homosexual, John.
154
00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:00,679
Christ, I can't even speak now.
155
00:08:00,680 --> 00:08:02,879
Don't be telling Diane,
she'll be telling everyone
156
00:08:02,880 --> 00:08:05,479
I'm a big gay mute next. All right,
Freddie, keep your vest on.
157
00:08:05,480 --> 00:08:08,759
Freddie? Mercury. Sat there
in your gay man's vest.
158
00:08:08,760 --> 00:08:13,360
And whose fault's that?
Throwing your piss all over me.
159
00:08:16,200 --> 00:08:22,840
Oh, I love to love
But my baby just loves to dance.
160
00:08:30,800 --> 00:08:32,799
Look at the state of this.
161
00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:35,839
There you go, it's
perfect, that. Good as new.
162
00:08:35,840 --> 00:08:38,839
Apart from the clearly
obvious piss stain.
163
00:08:38,840 --> 00:08:41,200
Say it's coffee.
Yellow coffee?
164
00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:44,319
Custard?
165
00:08:44,320 --> 00:08:46,319
Mustard?
166
00:08:46,320 --> 00:08:48,079
Korma?
167
00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:51,799
Just pull your jacket to,
you won't see it.
168
00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:52,960
I did me best.
169
00:08:54,640 --> 00:08:55,720
Thank you.
170
00:08:56,720 --> 00:08:59,680
Apology accepted.
171
00:09:03,680 --> 00:09:05,280
So, what was she called, your ex?
172
00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:11,199
SHE! She was called Charlotte.
173
00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:13,039
That's a nice name.
174
00:09:13,040 --> 00:09:15,759
Were you with her for long?
175
00:09:15,760 --> 00:09:17,040
Long enough.
176
00:09:18,080 --> 00:09:22,399
Did she break your
heart, were you gutted?
177
00:09:22,400 --> 00:09:24,359
Do you still speak to her
or do we hate her now?
178
00:09:24,360 --> 00:09:28,479
I appreciate your interest,
Kayleigh, but some other time, eh?
179
00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:31,200
I've enough on my mind
today. Covered in piss.
180
00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:34,920
Understood, Jonathan.
181
00:09:47,120 --> 00:09:48,200
All we need.
182
00:09:51,440 --> 00:09:54,759
Whoa, whoa, whoa. This
bugs me now, look at this.
183
00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:57,159
Adult crossing here.
It's a kids' crossing.
184
00:09:57,160 --> 00:09:59,599
He's on his own. He's no kids.
185
00:09:59,600 --> 00:10:04,000
Chancer! It shouldn't
be allowed. Judas.
186
00:10:06,280 --> 00:10:09,679
I must remember to pick up
some Mach 3 for our Kieran.
187
00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:11,079
Who is that, your boyfriend?
188
00:10:11,080 --> 00:10:12,559
No, my brother.
189
00:10:12,560 --> 00:10:15,839
Oh, right, does he live with you?
190
00:10:15,840 --> 00:10:17,159
Yeah, on and off.
191
00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:19,399
He's in the army,
so he's always away a lot.
192
00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:22,999
I bet that's tough.
Has he ever seen any action?
193
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:24,400
I hope not, he's a chef.
194
00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:29,999
I'm surprised you're not courting.
195
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:32,519
Courting?! How old are you?
196
00:10:32,520 --> 00:10:33,959
You know what I mean. Courting?
197
00:10:33,960 --> 00:10:35,879
Seeing somebody.
198
00:10:35,880 --> 00:10:37,760
No. No, I'm not.
199
00:10:39,800 --> 00:10:43,239
Don't judge me, but I've just
started this online dating thing.
200
00:10:43,240 --> 00:10:44,279
I'm not judging you.
201
00:10:44,280 --> 00:10:46,959
It's just so hard to meet someone
when you get to my age.
202
00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:48,279
What age is that?
203
00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:51,240
John! You don't ask a lady her age.
204
00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:58,199
36.
205
00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:01,879
Yeah, it's a last resort, to
be honest. Heartsearches.com.
206
00:11:01,880 --> 00:11:05,119
Oh, yeah. I've heard of them.
Oh, have you? 50 quid joining fee.
207
00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:06,839
Bit steep, ain't it? I know.
208
00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:10,919
I'm hoping it'll weed out a few
chavs. I don't want no scrubs.
209
00:11:10,920 --> 00:11:12,200
Fair enough.
210
00:11:13,640 --> 00:11:16,999
My problem is, my clock's ticking
now and my eggs are already nearly
211
00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:20,519
past their use-by date, if I don't
get a spurt on, they'll be whoopsed.
212
00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:22,599
All right. A bit
too much information.
213
00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:25,479
Women need to think about these
things, John. It's all right for
214
00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:29,559
men, you can reproduce into
your 80s - look at Des O'Connor.
215
00:11:29,560 --> 00:11:33,759
It's cruel. It's cruel on the
woman. It's cruel on the baby.
216
00:11:33,760 --> 00:11:37,119
Before long, she's going to be
changing two sets of nappies. Ugh!
217
00:11:37,120 --> 00:11:40,879
I suppose. I hate it when
old people smell of wee.
218
00:11:40,880 --> 00:11:44,359
Aye, but you're all right with me
stinking of it, aren't you?
219
00:11:44,360 --> 00:11:47,559
I said I was sorry, didn't I?
Anyway, you can't even smell it now.
220
00:11:47,560 --> 00:11:49,039
The smell's gone.
221
00:11:49,040 --> 00:11:50,719
What are you doing? Give over.
222
00:11:50,720 --> 00:11:54,039
Have a bit more. Now I smell
like a brothel cat. Stop it.
223
00:11:54,040 --> 00:11:58,999
Cheeky fish, it's Jade Goody's
Shush, this. 50 quid a bottle.
224
00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:02,599
RADIO: 'Forever FM weather.
With Lancashire Scrap Metal.
225
00:12:02,600 --> 00:12:08,560
'If the outlook is rubbish,
call Keith on 08081570075.
226
00:12:10,680 --> 00:12:14,159
'So, here it is, the Forever
FM Golden Hour, with hits and
227
00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:15,879
'headlines from a chosen year.
228
00:12:15,880 --> 00:12:18,279
'Today, it was the year that
the Poll Tax was abolished
229
00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:20,999
'and Freddie Mercury, the lead
singer of Queen, tragically
230
00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:23,999
'died of AIDS while Julia Roberts
was Sleeping With The Enemy.
231
00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:27,399
'Sounds like Freddie might have been
as well. It's the Golden Hour from
232
00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:29,759
'the year this band were
Losing Their Religion,
233
00:12:29,760 --> 00:12:31,119
'but what is the year?'
234
00:12:31,120 --> 00:12:32,159
1991.
235
00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:39,159
RADIO:
Oh life, it's bigger
It's bigger than you
236
00:12:39,160 --> 00:12:41,999
And you are not me...
237
00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:44,119
Aw, there he is,
238
00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:45,800
the pride of Britain.
239
00:12:47,640 --> 00:12:51,799
Two, four, six... He's pushing
his luck, isn't he?
240
00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:53,279
20 trolleys.
241
00:12:53,280 --> 00:12:56,119
Everyone knows that the maximum
is 14.
242
00:12:56,120 --> 00:12:57,560
You all right, Ted?
243
00:12:59,080 --> 00:13:02,239
Overworked, underpaid
and no time off.
244
00:13:02,240 --> 00:13:04,479
Can you manage? You've got
a lot of trolleys there.
245
00:13:04,480 --> 00:13:09,279
I got it, son. Hiya, Ted.
Morning, my love.
246
00:13:09,280 --> 00:13:11,199
Aw, I love ol' Ted.
247
00:13:11,200 --> 00:13:12,999
Have you finished with my shovel?
248
00:13:13,000 --> 00:13:14,679
Thursday.
249
00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:17,000
Thursday, yeah.
He said that last week.
250
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:21,639
Right. Have a good day.
251
00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:23,520
You too, see you in a wee while.
252
00:13:26,840 --> 00:13:29,479
In you go. This shouldn't be open.
253
00:13:29,480 --> 00:13:30,520
Thank you.
254
00:13:40,400 --> 00:13:44,119
It was that black it was
purple. I better go.
255
00:13:44,120 --> 00:13:45,519
I'll text you later, OK?
256
00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:50,159
Bye-bye, bye-bye. Sorry, I didn't
know you were in here. Yeah.
257
00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:53,199
I was stood by the door.
It's all right.
258
00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:55,599
Clunk, click, every trip.
259
00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:57,479
Yeah.
260
00:13:57,480 --> 00:13:59,079
Good day?
261
00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:00,520
Lovely day.
262
00:14:04,480 --> 00:14:06,439
Aw, love old Ted.
263
00:14:06,440 --> 00:14:08,319
Still got my bloody shovel.
264
00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:10,359
What is it with Ted and this shovel?
265
00:14:10,360 --> 00:14:13,079
He's got my bloody good snow
shovel. It's not snowing!
266
00:14:13,080 --> 00:14:14,999
It's not the point.
He's had it for ages.
267
00:14:15,000 --> 00:14:16,319
Since we had that bad snow.
268
00:14:16,320 --> 00:14:17,639
Why do you have a shovel?
269
00:14:17,640 --> 00:14:19,840
In case of emergencies.
270
00:14:21,000 --> 00:14:23,519
And a blanket and some rope.
271
00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:24,680
Some rope?
272
00:14:25,760 --> 00:14:27,000
You never know, do you?
273
00:14:28,840 --> 00:14:32,919
Well, I've got my bags for
life. And some party feet.
274
00:14:32,920 --> 00:14:34,199
What?
275
00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:37,759
RADIO: 'Hair, fashion, beauty.
276
00:14:37,760 --> 00:14:41,319
'At Cut Above Hair Salon we
don't just cut your hair,
277
00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:42,719
'we make love to it.
278
00:14:42,720 --> 00:14:47,079
'Our world-class creative stylists
know all the latest haircuts.'
279
00:14:47,080 --> 00:14:49,279
Did I talk too much this morning?
280
00:14:49,280 --> 00:14:53,399
I was a bit nervous, were you
nervous? I always talk too much
281
00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:56,839
when I'm nervous, it's a really bad
habit, I just tend to waffle on
282
00:14:56,840 --> 00:14:59,439
and on because I can't stand
awkward silences, I'm always
283
00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:01,679
trying to fill the gap.
Anyway, it won't matter now,
284
00:15:01,680 --> 00:15:03,759
because there won't be
any awkward silences
285
00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:06,239
and if there ARE any silences,
they won't be awkward.
286
00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:08,599
RADIO: 'On the roads, looking
like a busy one tonight.
287
00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:10,079
'The M6 causing problems again.
288
00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:12,759
'Long delays from junction
21 for no real reason,
289
00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:15,319
'just volume of traffic.'
290
00:15:15,320 --> 00:15:16,959
How was your day?
291
00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:19,719
Well, it could only get
better after piss-gate.
292
00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:22,239
Piss-gate? Oh, yes, and?
293
00:15:22,240 --> 00:15:26,239
Well, nobody seemed to notice the
smell, thanks to Miss Jade Goody.
294
00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:28,439
And I managed to blag a
fresh shirt off non-foods.
295
00:15:28,440 --> 00:15:29,839
Saw your mate Diane.
296
00:15:29,840 --> 00:15:31,719
You didn't say anything, did you?
297
00:15:31,720 --> 00:15:35,559
No, I couldn't, I'm a
big, gay mute, remember?
298
00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:36,600
Sorry.
299
00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:46,799
RADIO: 'What's up, Suze? You look
well depressed. You're right, Dad.
300
00:15:46,800 --> 00:15:49,679
'I am. I just don't know
which college to choose.
301
00:15:49,680 --> 00:15:53,239
'There's too many options. I think
my head is going to well explode.
302
00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:56,759
'That's how I felt, until I
discovered Brillington College.
303
00:15:56,760 --> 00:15:58,359
'It's really wicked, Suze.
304
00:15:58,360 --> 00:16:00,439
'It's got a good on
its OFSTED report,
305
00:16:00,440 --> 00:16:02,119
'which is one below outstanding.
306
00:16:02,120 --> 00:16:04,639
'And the courses it offers
are really varied,
307
00:16:04,640 --> 00:16:07,079
'from media studies
to animal husbandry,
308
00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:09,799
'theatre and make-up design,
to applied mathematics.
309
00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:11,479
'Perfect for someone like you.
310
00:16:11,480 --> 00:16:13,039
'It sounds rad!
311
00:16:13,040 --> 00:16:16,959
'Brillington College, where
brilliance is almost our name.'
312
00:16:16,960 --> 00:16:19,359
And you listen to this everyday?
313
00:16:19,360 --> 00:16:20,800
It plays good music.
314
00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:28,720
MUSIC: C'est La Vie
by B-Witched.
315
00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:35,759
I said, hey, boy
Sitting in your tree
316
00:16:35,760 --> 00:16:38,159
Mummy always wants you
To come for tea
317
00:16:38,160 --> 00:16:40,080
Don't be shy
Straighten up your tie...
318
00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:45,759
I can't Irish dance,
but I can Morris dance.
319
00:16:45,760 --> 00:16:47,759
I'm quite good at it,
I'll show you later.
320
00:16:47,760 --> 00:16:50,160
It's my party piece.
That's your party piece?
321
00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:54,080
AS CILLA: And I do a good
Cilla Black impression.
322
00:16:55,400 --> 00:16:57,480
Surprise, surprise, our John.
323
00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:01,759
I'm in your car.
324
00:17:01,760 --> 00:17:04,960
And we're gonna have a lorra,
lorra laughs, me and you.
325
00:17:05,680 --> 00:17:09,119
And here's our Graham
with a quick reminder...
326
00:17:09,120 --> 00:17:12,319
You sound like Miss Piggy.
I can do that too.
327
00:17:12,320 --> 00:17:16,439
AS MISS PIGGY: Kermy.
Kermy, baby. Kermy. Hi-yah!
328
00:17:16,440 --> 00:17:20,319
It's a belter that, I bet
your parties are swinging.
329
00:17:20,320 --> 00:17:23,640
I bet your New Years are
swinging, aren't they?
330
00:17:29,280 --> 00:17:31,679
RADIO: 'Hello, Doctor. Hello, Mary.
331
00:17:31,680 --> 00:17:33,919
'How can I help? Oh, I don't
know what's wrong with me.
332
00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:35,999
'I've been proper down
in the dumps.
333
00:17:36,000 --> 00:17:38,079
'I see. Depressed?
Can't be bothered?
334
00:17:38,080 --> 00:17:41,559
'Lack of energy? Exactly.
What could it be, Doctor?
335
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:45,519
'It's obvious, you need a brand-new
shed from the Shed Surgery.
336
00:17:45,520 --> 00:17:48,839
'A new shed, I can't afford a
new shed. You'd be surprised.'
337
00:17:48,840 --> 00:17:50,280
Mary doesn't want a shed!
338
00:17:51,640 --> 00:17:53,560
She wants a shag, not a shed.
339
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:02,399
So how was your appraisal?
340
00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:04,559
Went well, actually, they
talked about moving me
341
00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:05,919
forward for a promotion.
342
00:18:05,920 --> 00:18:08,119
And they're putting me
in charge of Christmas.
343
00:18:08,120 --> 00:18:10,159
Oh!
344
00:18:10,160 --> 00:18:12,239
That's fantastic, well done.
345
00:18:12,240 --> 00:18:14,839
184!
346
00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:16,239
184 what?
347
00:18:16,240 --> 00:18:18,559
Sleeps till Christmas. I love it.
348
00:18:18,560 --> 00:18:21,239
Oh, right. Basically, it means
I've got to organise the store,
349
00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:23,799
they're giving me a trial run at
the busiest time of the year.
350
00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:26,359
I've got to get a
Christmas team together.
351
00:18:26,360 --> 00:18:29,119
Me! Can I be on your team?
I love Christmas.
352
00:18:29,120 --> 00:18:32,359
I've not had chance to think about it,
you know, I've only just been told.
353
00:18:32,360 --> 00:18:35,239
I'd be perfect. You'll need
someone good in promotions
354
00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:37,639
to get everyone going.
That's me.
355
00:18:37,640 --> 00:18:40,399
And it'll make a nice change from
handing out free Snack-a-jacks
356
00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:41,879
all day long.
357
00:18:41,880 --> 00:18:43,719
I'm really excited for you.
358
00:18:43,720 --> 00:18:46,839
I love Christmas, I've started
doing my Christmas CD already,
359
00:18:46,840 --> 00:18:49,159
shall I bring it in tomorrow?
Not in this car.
360
00:18:49,160 --> 00:18:51,599
Step into Christmas
Step into Christmas
361
00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:53,999
De ba da da da
Da da da da da da da!
362
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,239
What's your favourite
Christmas song? Not that one.
363
00:18:56,240 --> 00:18:57,839
Bah, humbug
But that's too strong
364
00:18:57,840 --> 00:18:59,999
Cos that's my favourite
Christmas song
365
00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:02,919
Merry Christmas
Merry Christmas.
366
00:19:02,920 --> 00:19:05,839
All right. All right. Enough now.
367
00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:09,559
Cos we'll be driving
Home for Christmas
368
00:19:09,560 --> 00:19:11,439
I can't wait to see those faces!
369
00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:13,439
Seriously, don't do that.
Don't do that.
370
00:19:13,440 --> 00:19:14,799
Driving home for Christmas!
371
00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:17,159
All right. All right. I'm driving
a vehicle, all right?
372
00:19:17,160 --> 00:19:19,559
All right, Grinch!
Where's your festive cheer?
373
00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:20,639
I just... I don't know.
374
00:19:20,640 --> 00:19:22,799
I just can't stand people
singing in my face.
375
00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:26,079
What, when you're driving?
No, any time, freaks me out.
376
00:19:26,080 --> 00:19:29,159
What? Christmas songs?
Any songs. Why?
377
00:19:29,160 --> 00:19:31,599
I don't know, it
just goes through me.
378
00:19:31,600 --> 00:19:33,999
Did something happen as a child?
379
00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:38,000
Erm... Don't know, can't think
of anything. How weird.
380
00:19:42,120 --> 00:19:45,319
I had a bad experience once at a
girlfriend's house on Christmas Eve.
381
00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:47,039
Oh, God! I'll never forget that.
382
00:19:47,040 --> 00:19:48,479
Why, what happened?
383
00:19:48,480 --> 00:19:51,079
Her family had a piano and they
all got up and started singing.
384
00:19:51,080 --> 00:19:54,039
All got round it singing
carols and harmonising,
385
00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:56,719
I could have died of embarrassment.
Oh, I'd LOVE that!
386
00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:59,919
I knew you'd say that, it was
proper uncomfortable for me.
387
00:19:59,920 --> 00:20:02,639
Why? What's wrong with you, it's
Christmas Eve, for God's sake.
388
00:20:02,640 --> 00:20:04,199
Cos they were all too polished.
389
00:20:04,200 --> 00:20:07,999
Eyes and teeth smiling, knocked me
sick, singing right in my face.
390
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:11,639
Good King Wenceslas looked out
on the feast of Stephen.
391
00:20:11,640 --> 00:20:14,080
I swear, I physically had
to run out of the house.
392
00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:17,080
Was that Charlotte?
393
00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:20,119
No, no, that was Anna.
394
00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:22,280
And was she before? Yeah.
395
00:20:23,440 --> 00:20:25,999
Are you courting now?
396
00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:27,479
No, I'm not courting now.
397
00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:29,879
Bloody hell, you're a right
nosey bitch you, aren't you?
398
00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:33,879
What?! I'm just making chitty-chat,
we can't drive in silence.
399
00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:36,679
I can, I used to.
400
00:20:36,680 --> 00:20:38,000
Was it serious?
401
00:20:40,720 --> 00:20:43,999
Where did you meet her?
Where did I meet her?
402
00:20:44,000 --> 00:20:47,799
Er... I met her on a train, yeah.
403
00:20:47,800 --> 00:20:50,159
I went for an open day at uni,
she was on my train,
404
00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:52,679
we got chatting and then we
bumped into each other later
405
00:20:52,680 --> 00:20:55,439
when they were showing us round
the campus, we just hit it off.
406
00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:58,279
Then we travelled back together
on the train and shared a Wimpy.
407
00:20:58,280 --> 00:21:02,799
Oh, that's romantic, meeting on a
train. You're like Jake Gyllenhaal
408
00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:04,919
and Michelle Monaghan
in Source Code.
409
00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:07,999
What? Source Code, it's a film,
it was on Film Four the other night.
410
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:09,399
Never seen it.
411
00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:11,679
You need to go watch it,
John. It's really good.
412
00:21:11,680 --> 00:21:15,199
He is trapped in another man's
body on a train for the last few
413
00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:18,359
minutes of his life and he falls
in love with her, but he keeps
414
00:21:18,360 --> 00:21:20,799
having to go back in time again
and again to foil a bomber.
415
00:21:20,800 --> 00:21:24,239
We were on a sprinter to Crewe,
there was none of that going on.
416
00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:25,759
Shall I tell you what happened?
417
00:21:25,760 --> 00:21:27,479
No, no, I might watch it.
418
00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:29,999
It's a bit disappointing
really. He died.
419
00:21:30,000 --> 00:21:33,599
Oh, well, there you go. Anyway,
we spent the day together.
420
00:21:33,600 --> 00:21:36,919
Have you seen him
in Prince of Persia? Who?
421
00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:39,519
Jake Gyllenhaal.
No, I don't know the man.
422
00:21:39,520 --> 00:21:40,719
He's gorgeous.
423
00:21:40,720 --> 00:21:43,359
He's got beautiful blue eyes,
you'd know him if you saw him.
424
00:21:43,360 --> 00:21:46,399
I always get him mixed up with
Bradley, what's his face? Bradley?
425
00:21:46,400 --> 00:21:48,999
Walsh? No, was in the A-Team?
426
00:21:49,000 --> 00:21:52,799
Mr T? Bradley... Bradley...
427
00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:55,359
He was in the A-team, Mr T.
428
00:21:55,360 --> 00:21:57,559
Bradley... Wiggins?
You're just being silly now.
429
00:21:57,560 --> 00:22:01,799
I'm not being silly, you asked me a question about
my life, then when I start telling you, you start
430
00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:04,759
going on about Bradley Gyllen-thall
or whatever and his film career.
431
00:22:04,760 --> 00:22:05,799
Go on, then,
432
00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:08,759
tell me what happened, did you love
her, did she give you butterflies?
433
00:22:08,760 --> 00:22:11,279
Erm... Well, we went
out for ages, you know.
434
00:22:11,280 --> 00:22:12,679
I was fond of her.
435
00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:14,599
I did have funny
feelings in my stomach.
436
00:22:14,600 --> 00:22:16,479
And then I threw up on my hand
in Woolworths.
437
00:22:16,480 --> 00:22:19,079
Turned out to be food poisoning.
Love sick.
438
00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:21,879
No, I had a dicky half-pounder on
the way home, that's what it were.
439
00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:23,199
From Wimpy.
440
00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:25,559
Did she get it? Many times.
441
00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:28,239
Oh, the food poisoning?
No, she had a bean burger,
442
00:22:28,240 --> 00:22:30,839
she was a vegetarian, weren't she?
443
00:22:30,840 --> 00:22:33,279
Probably still is, knowing her.
444
00:22:33,280 --> 00:22:34,879
Do you still see her?
445
00:22:34,880 --> 00:22:38,159
No, not for years now, she's married.
She's got two kids, I think.
446
00:22:38,160 --> 00:22:40,519
Why did you split up?
447
00:22:40,520 --> 00:22:44,479
She got in uni, she met someone else.
And did you not go? No, I never.
448
00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:46,679
I used to go up and see her in halls,
449
00:22:46,680 --> 00:22:49,199
but I didn't fit in with
all her student friends,
450
00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:54,119
there were all giving it ACID and
that, drugs, it weren't my scene.
451
00:22:54,120 --> 00:22:58,119
Have you ever dabbled? I was a
drugs mule once. A drugs mule?
452
00:22:58,120 --> 00:23:01,559
Seriously, I smuggled 500 E's
to Glasgow on a Virgin cross
453
00:23:01,560 --> 00:23:03,599
country without even knowing.
454
00:23:03,600 --> 00:23:07,119
I had no idea my ex had
sewed them into my gusset.
455
00:23:07,120 --> 00:23:10,480
Knob rash! What a shithouse.
That's a dangerous game to play.
456
00:23:11,760 --> 00:23:16,679
Don't worry, I got my revenge,
I planted cress seeds under his bed.
457
00:23:16,680 --> 00:23:19,959
Why? You've got to
think long term, John.
458
00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:21,839
I sewed prawns into
the hem of his curtains
459
00:23:21,840 --> 00:23:24,799
while he was at work, or dealing,
as we later found out.
460
00:23:24,800 --> 00:23:26,639
School caretaker, my eye.
461
00:23:26,640 --> 00:23:29,199
He was a drug dealer and you
didn't suss? No, idea!
462
00:23:29,200 --> 00:23:32,159
I just thought he was popular.
He paid for everything in cash,
463
00:23:32,160 --> 00:23:35,239
he was always going to the
toilet, I thought he had cystitis.
464
00:23:35,240 --> 00:23:36,759
What else did you do?
465
00:23:36,760 --> 00:23:39,639
I opened every ring pull on all
of the beers in his fridge
466
00:23:39,640 --> 00:23:41,559
so they'd go flat.
467
00:23:41,560 --> 00:23:44,439
I painted clear nail varnish on
the back of his credit cards
468
00:23:44,440 --> 00:23:46,559
so they declined.
Mind you, I don't blame you,
469
00:23:46,560 --> 00:23:49,399
if the police had searched your
crotch, you'd have got sent down.
470
00:23:49,400 --> 00:23:52,319
I wasn't wearing them, John,
they were in my vanity case.
471
00:23:52,320 --> 00:23:54,279
Still, it's bang out of order.
472
00:23:54,280 --> 00:23:56,839
And then I found out he was
poking my cousin in Wrexham,
473
00:23:56,840 --> 00:23:58,279
and I don't mean on Facebook.
474
00:23:58,280 --> 00:24:00,079
What an arsehole.
You're best rid of him.
475
00:24:00,080 --> 00:24:02,959
I parked up outside his school,
opened the car doors
476
00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:04,599
and had Alanis full blast.
477
00:24:04,600 --> 00:24:06,879
Alanis? Morisette.
478
00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:10,279
Cos I'm here
To remind you
479
00:24:10,280 --> 00:24:13,760
Of the mess you left
When you went away
480
00:24:15,120 --> 00:24:18,640
And are you thinking of me
When you... her?
481
00:24:22,400 --> 00:24:23,680
I hate him.
482
00:24:31,280 --> 00:24:36,479
Now, baby come on
Don't claim that love
483
00:24:36,480 --> 00:24:42,199
You never let me feel
I should have known
484
00:24:42,200 --> 00:24:45,559
Cos you brought nothing real
485
00:24:45,560 --> 00:24:50,719
Come on be a man about it
You won't die
486
00:24:50,720 --> 00:24:57,879
I ain't got no more tears to cry
And I can't take this no more
487
00:24:57,880 --> 00:25:01,959
You know I gotta let it go
488
00:25:01,960 --> 00:25:03,839
And you know
489
00:25:03,840 --> 00:25:07,839
I'm outta love
Set me free
490
00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:11,599
And let me out this misery
491
00:25:11,600 --> 00:25:16,679
Just show me the way
To get my life again
492
00:25:16,680 --> 00:25:18,320
Cos you can't handle me...
493
00:25:19,360 --> 00:25:21,919
I had an e-mail from HR.
Hey, are you listening?
494
00:25:21,920 --> 00:25:25,039
What? I had an e-mail from
HR this afternoon,
495
00:25:25,040 --> 00:25:27,639
I see the car share scheme
seems to have been a success.
496
00:25:27,640 --> 00:25:28,959
Oh, yeah. I heard.
497
00:25:28,960 --> 00:25:32,559
They said you can change your
buddy if you're not happy.
498
00:25:32,560 --> 00:25:34,440
Right. Right.
499
00:25:36,240 --> 00:25:37,439
How about you?
500
00:25:37,440 --> 00:25:41,559
What? Car sharing. What
do you feel about it?
501
00:25:41,560 --> 00:25:42,880
How do YOU feel about it?
502
00:25:44,240 --> 00:25:47,520
Yeah, it's good, yeah.
Do you want to try a new buddy?
503
00:25:48,800 --> 00:25:50,040
Oh, right.
504
00:25:51,920 --> 00:25:55,200
I suppose it makes sense to mix it
up a bit, share with new people.
505
00:25:57,480 --> 00:25:59,080
Yeah. I guess.
506
00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:03,199
Are you going to
ask for a new buddy?
507
00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:06,199
Well, I want to keep
my parking space.
508
00:26:06,200 --> 00:26:08,199
Oh, right. Yeah.
509
00:26:08,200 --> 00:26:11,519
Anyway, if you're going to be
sharing with someone else...
510
00:26:11,520 --> 00:26:13,560
Me? No, I'm happy sharing with you.
511
00:26:15,920 --> 00:26:21,159
Oh, right, yeah. I am.
I mean, me too.
512
00:26:21,160 --> 00:26:22,480
Good.
513
00:26:30,680 --> 00:26:33,280
'Forever FM.'
514
00:26:41,200 --> 00:26:44,359
OK, here we are, home sweet home.
515
00:26:44,360 --> 00:26:46,959
Got my romantic meal for one again.
516
00:26:46,960 --> 00:26:49,319
Oh, yeah? What are you on?
517
00:26:49,320 --> 00:26:52,439
Good For You Chicken Korma.
Might throw a few chips on with it.
518
00:26:52,440 --> 00:26:55,039
Oh, yeah? What about you?
519
00:26:55,040 --> 00:26:57,719
Er... I've defrosted a lamb stew.
520
00:26:57,720 --> 00:27:00,799
Oh, get you, Ainsley.
521
00:27:00,800 --> 00:27:03,239
I try.
522
00:27:03,240 --> 00:27:05,359
You up to anything nice?
523
00:27:05,360 --> 00:27:09,400
Nah, check my planner, I've got a
couple of Brian Coxes need watching.
524
00:27:10,720 --> 00:27:14,119
Well, maybe you could have a little
think about your Christmas team
525
00:27:14,120 --> 00:27:16,039
and all the fun we're
going to have.
526
00:27:16,040 --> 00:27:19,039
WE? I haven't even had
chance to think about it,
527
00:27:19,040 --> 00:27:20,639
let alone get a team together.
528
00:27:20,640 --> 00:27:22,119
I know, but if you don't pick me
529
00:27:22,120 --> 00:27:24,199
I'll tell everyone you've
asked me to wee on you.
530
00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:28,879
Get out of my car, you piss-throwing
psycho. Go on, off.
531
00:27:28,880 --> 00:27:31,439
See you in the morning,
you big, gay mute.
532
00:27:31,440 --> 00:27:35,039
Hey! I am what I am!
533
00:27:35,040 --> 00:27:37,080
Happy Christmas.
534
00:27:39,360 --> 00:27:44,719
Every single day every single day
That I'm without you
535
00:27:44,720 --> 00:27:47,519
Hurts a little bit
Hurts a little bit
536
00:27:47,520 --> 00:27:49,479
Just a little bit more
537
00:27:49,480 --> 00:27:52,399
Just a little more
Just a little more
538
00:27:52,400 --> 00:27:56,400
Than I've ever been hurt before
539
00:27:58,000 --> 00:28:03,279
Every single day, every single day
That I'm without you
540
00:28:03,280 --> 00:28:06,039
Hurts a little bit
Hurts a little bit
541
00:28:06,040 --> 00:28:10,800
Just a little bit more.
542
00:28:10,850 --> 00:28:15,400
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