Original subtitles

Oh, it's so great to see you guys.

- You too. My God. - Kylie.

- Hey. Hi, Constance. - Henry, oh my gosh.

Oh, how's my favorite bartender?

Oh great.

Oh, you guys, thank you so much for coming.

Oh well, you hired us.

- And you came. Thank you. - Yeah, of course.

- Constance, hi. Congratulations. - Casey, oh my God.

- Thank you. - Oh my God, you look so beautiful.

Thank you. You guys, oh gosh, you look... you look the same.

Where the hell are the goddamn appetizers?

What did we do... hire a bunch of schmucks?

Oh baby, this is Party Down.

This is my reason for living, you guys.

- Hi hi hi. Howard Greengold. - Hi.

Nobody light a match or I will explode.

And no sudden shocks. The ticker ain't what it was.

But it's getting better. So this is...

You know what, nooky puss?

All the gabbing you told me about these guys...

I feel like I've known them my whole life.

Is this handsome fuck Kyle?

- Whoa. Yeah. - Hey, look at that.

And ring-a-ding-ding, this is Casey Kleinberg.

Klein.

Boy, you weren't kidding about those cans.

- I told you. - I wish I was younger.

Oh, you are inside, where it counts.

- Jesus. - Oh.

This is easy... this must be Roman.

No no no, that's Henry. He's the failed actor.

There's Roman. Mwah mwah mwah mwah!

Oh sorry, no offense. Day and night.

And who is this?

I don't know who this is.

Lydia. I'm, like, your replacement.

Oh, I don't know that I can be replaced.

Yeah, you left and then they got me.

Okay, people, let's make Constance's wedding...

- Oh shit. - Oh Howard. Oh God.

- Oh no. - Henry: Oh my gosh.

- Howard. - This is it.

- Oh no, Howard! - Oh my... oh!

Oh my God. Oh my God.

- Roman: Is he dead? - Henry: I don't... I...

I'm so sorry.

Ron, right?

Just a little joke, dude.

Isn't he just wonderful?

Constance: Dwayne and CeCe... yay!

Oh, thanks so much for coming.

Are those what I think they are?

With flax and rye husk. Your colon will sing.

- Mm! - Oh, a joy to share.

One more ray of love shines in the universe.

Roman, will you take these? Thank you so much. This is Howard.

Dwayne and I were extras on "Manimal" back in the day.

Nothing says love like a basket of yak poo.

- Did you get them something? - Yeah, I got them a song.

Karma Rocket's gonna rock after the ceremony.

- What did you get them? - Nothing. The old fuckers are loaded.

Hey, three whites and an algae water.

Hey, so Henry, does this kind of make you uncomfortable?

What, a year later and still being a favorite bartender? Yeah.

No no no, the wedding.

Why? Are you worried we'll end up in awkward relationship docks?

- No. - A bouquet toss anxiety? Is that it?

No, she's not even throwing a bouquet. She's throwing an egg.

- What? - It's some Asian thing.

I'm talking about Howard.

You know Constance has only been dating him for like two months?

- Really? - Yeah, really.

He was some big-deal movie producer or something in the '70s

and now he's trying to get back in the game with some bullshit project.

- Whoa. - Yeah, and they met

because he posted an ad for actresses on fucking craigslist.

Three champagnes. We do the return... there's damage.

- Lugozshe: So you put in a 10-12B. - A 10-12C, a 10-12E.

- Ron, state bird, Oklahoma. - Falcon. Uh, osprey.

Scissor-tailed flycatcher, Mr. Lugozshe.

Ron's gunning to be operations manager of Party Down.

Ron, this is Stuart Zune, my son-in-law-ncé.

Zune Bouncy Houses.

You need a bouncy house... we're the last name in the book.

I've heard a lot about you.

I need to run to the ladies' room.

My dress is on backwards.

Lugozshe: Keep up the good work, Ron.

We got our eye on you over at the main office.

So you wanna sneak off?

Henry, Henry, finish stacking these, okay?

Oh boy.

Hey, can you guys do me a huge favor and read this and explain it to me?

As in you're revealing you can't read?

- I told you! - No, I can read just fine, thank you.

- It's just this script "Velower"... - "Velour. "

Whatever. It's this indie thing. It's supposed to be great, right?

Well, I read it and it makes no sense to me. My audition's Monday.

- That's the Yutzel Bar Mitzvah. - So get Mundo, man.

Look, I'd read it again, but I'm working, my band's playing,

and one of Howard's showbiz buddies Sid Sidleman...

right there, yeah. Ever heard of Seals & Crofts?

He discovered Crofts.

This could be a huge break for us. We gotta rock.

Kyle, are you sure that Sid Sidleman is still dispensing breaks?

I'll do it.

I'll do it if you watch the bar and finish restocking these.

Awesome.

- Danielle. - Ron.

Seeing you out there with him... it's killing me.

What are you doing in here? This is the ladies' room.

I know, but you said with your dress being backwards...

wasn't that a signal?

No. My dress was on backwards.

Oh.

Well...

Wait a second, Ron. Somebody might come in.

- No, I put up an out-of-order sign. - Oh, okay.

Wait a second. This is wrong. We have to stop.

No. What do you mean? What do you mean?

I have the sign up and your dress is on frontwards.

No, I mean this... us.

Ron, there's a really good chance

that my dad is going to make you operations manager.

That's great. I get operations manager and then you break up with Stuart

and you get that talking bird you always wanted.

We'll be like those people who have it all.

Ron, no!

Ron, my dad loves Stuart more than I do.

And if he finds out that I've been cheating on him with you,

he's gonna banish you from Party Down entirely.

- We've got to break things off, Ron. - What? No.

And I actually think it's a really good idea

because I'd have a good life with him and you would get what you want.

No no no. We have so much in common.

We finish each other's...

Food. I know.

No, sentences. Danielle.

I'm sorry, Ron.

It's for the best.

No no, it's out of order. It's out of...

Danielle, no. Wait, don't go.

This is the ladies' room!

Then what the hell are you doing here?

He's not supposed to be here either.

I'm sorry, Ron. I didn't mean for it to end like this.

Me neither.

Romantic, huh... a wedding?

My wedding was romantic, and look how that ended.

Hmm.

- Where's your wife? - A catering convention.

But when the... the cat... the cat's away,

the...

you know the saying.

Do you like to ride?

- I'm sorry? - Horses... do you like to ride?

Oh sure, yeah.

My daughter loves horses. She had posters...

You have the flanks of a horsewoman...

Oh.

Nice firm flanks.

I love to ride myself.

That's unbelievable.

Why? I'm spankable too.

That's not what I meant.

What part is flanks on a human?

Vagina?

Oh God, don't guess.

Hey.

- Hi. - Hi.

Come on. We don't have all night.

Yeah, totally. I just kind of want to finish this.

- Really? - Yeah.

Wow, it's that good, huh?

Like if I was still acting, I would call my agent

- and demand to get me this part. - Wow.

I mean, I would say that to his assistant

and he would hang up and laugh at me.

- Right. - But still...

It's like you with that Apatow thing. You were like...

"I'm gonna kill this. This is gonna be my big break. "

- Yeah. I don't know. - Yeah, this is kind of cool.

- I gotta say... - What?

I've just never seen this Henry before.

- Oh really? - Yeah, I kind of like this Henry.

Casey, circulate. Henry, someone peed all over the ladies' room.

Oh well, I'm actually kind of busy, Ron.

Clean up the fucking piss!

Okay.

Ron, what is it?

Nothing.

Oh, come on, Ron, it's me.

I know that look.

Is it your bowels?

Constance, you've experienced a lot. What in life matters?

Oh Ron, that question is

as vast and wondrous as life itself.

I've experienced a fair amount.

Ron, in all of life the one thing that matters

is that you follow your heart.

I'd say three things...

paid rent, some form of insurance and TV...

preferably cable with DVR.

Well, you're wrong. It's love.

Oh well, being practical, in my experience.

Well, your experience is probably wrong.

Follow your heart, Ron.

Right, and the next thing you know

you're sleeping on your friend Peg's couch drinking vermouth all day

and crying until you pull a muscle in your face.

Rabbi Eagleman, it's all about love, isn't it?

Eh, perhaps.

Perhaps? That's not what you told me when we were dating.

My opinion changed after you dumped me for Aku.

I was in love with Aku. I followed my heart.

You probably watched a lot of TV during that time, huh?

Six seasons of "The Sopranos. "

Well, "The Sopranos" was a wonderful show.

And it's no reason to close your heart...

Constance, can I talk to you for a second just privately?

- Where are we going? - No, it's private.

She said "privately. " God.

Follow your heart.

See you, Connie. She's fun.

Be practical, okay?

Okay.

What are we talking about?

And this isn't just about the project?

No no. I mean, I love the project.

You know when you read something and you know you're just perfect for it?

Yes, but this isn't just about him putting you in a movie, right?

Like, you're in love with this man?

Oh yeah. And I love the project.

Do you trust him?

'Cause, Constance, he's been married nine other times.

And he's cheated on every single one of them.

What's in a number, huh?

- Well, it's kind of a big number. - He's on a journey. I'm on a journey.

We're all searching and found each other.

He flirts with every female guest at the party.

That's his style, Casey. He's a flirter.

- He spanked me, okay? - He's a big spanker.

He's a spanker? Okay, good, 'cause he also spanked Lydia.

Well, I didn't even notice.

He made all the other wives sign these prenups.

He didn't make me sign one, so don't worry.

Well, I am. I'm a little bit worried...

- Don't worry about me, Case. ... because this just seems crazy.

Look, I'm crazy. He's crazy.

We're the same kind of crazy. And that's love.

- I don't know. - I know he'll be true.

- How? - Because I believe.

- But based on what? - Based on love.

- Oh Jesus. - Shit, I'm sorry.

This is the ladies' room, by the way.

Where better to meet ladies?

Oh, is that still an area of interest?

Oh, come on, it's just boys' room talk.

Well, it's the ladies' room.

So 10 times is a charm, huh?

You know, I like that.

You waiters really watch each other's back. It's very hip.

We just don't want Constance to get hurt.

Look, you don't know me.

And I don't care if you believe me or not.

But I have been on an entire journey my whole life.

I've been there and back. I'm 75 with a bum ticker.

I love that broad.

Let me tell you... if I ever screwed her over,

then my name is Jack Shit.

Okay?

Okay.

Now I'm gonna go change my tank and you can sponge off the shit.

Excuse me, where did you get that?

Hey, hands off, hippie. This isn't a commune.

No, the main guy's brother gave the girl the key,

but the main guy didn't tell. And the brother knew he knew.

Knew what? You know what? Fuck it.

- Jesus Christ. - Kyle,

take off your sun helmet.

Scotch. Where the hell is my father?

Mona! Oh, I'm so glad you could come.

- Constance. - Call me mom.

- I won't. - What would you like to call me?

How about "that cunt spending our fortune on scented candles"?

Where the hell is Howard?

I saw him earlier.

Where did you see him?

Where was I?

- Where was he? - Where was I?

Where was he?

I need to place myself in space and time.

So to know where I was, I have to know

where I am now.

Do any residents of the planet Earth know where my father is?

Kyle: There's a step here. There you go.

Be careful.

So it's like a pop vocal group, right?

Yeah yeah, with a real emo rock element. You're gonna love it.

God, where is Constance and the old guy?

It's past the start time.

Oh, inside... something about paperwork.

No. Not... really? Paperwork?

Yeah. Why?

We got a call. Someone in the back bathroom says they're dying.

Shit. Um...

- You maybe want to take me there. - Yeah, I think it's...

do I help you with that?

Oh great. Great. You're here.

So either I'm gonna die any instant

or I've been dead a while.

Maybe there's something that could be done to help me.

You could put me on a life machine.

A life machine,

like it creates life.

Do you guys... do you have any idea what I'm talking about?

Uh, looks like he ate three.

That's, say, 1/10 oz of high-grade marijuana.

Oh. Oh.

Am I gonna die?

Well, you can't OD on marijuana.

You're gonna be great, son.

You guys are like 15 minutes late.

You guys are like 15 minutes late.

No. No, what is that? Is that a prenup?

- Yeah. - Constance, you said that he didn't...

Oh, I don't care about that stuff. Every day with Howard is a gift.

Henry: Well, it's pretty severe.

I mean, not only do you get nothing if it doesn't work...

Oh, it will. We'll be together forever.

Damn right, nooky puss. This is just to give Mona peace of mind.

But you can't keep a diary? I mean...

What? No. Constance, this is crazy.

No, honey, it's practical, okay?

A gold-digging never-was actress pursues

wealthy agent/producer with a heart condition?

- Oh, I know. It's like a fairy tale. - Pinocchio.

- Don't talk to her like that. - Like what? I am an actress.

Constance, don't sign this thing, seriously.

Howard, I thought...

I mean, when we talked in the boys' room...

I remember. And I meant it.

By the way, it was the ladies' room.

- Henry. - Yay!

And when two people are meant to be one by the will of God,

of Gaia Earth Mother, or the universal consciousness,

or a simple chance,

it is for us only to say

- yes. - Yes!

Guests: Yes!

So if anyone knows a reason these two should not be wed,

let them speak now or forever hold your...

Wait! No.

Constance, don't you marry that man.

Is that fucking Patrick Duffy?

Duffles.

I tried to forget you, but I can't.

- Patrick, I'm getting married. - After all we had?

After Mazatlan?

After making love in a glider plane over the rainforest

and then again in the waterfall where we crashed?

That was you?

Yes. And since you called,

I can't drink you out of my mind.

I called you?

You left, like, a 20-minute message.

Oh, I'm sorry. I was drunk.

I didn't mean to give you the wrong idea.

I'm in love with Howard.

I'm marrying him.

- Shit. - Oh, Duffles.

I'm sorry, everybody. I was just so lit.

Drunk-dialing.

Okay, we'll... we'll just go back.

- Okay. - Okay.

Now if anyone knows a reason these two should not be wed...

Danielle, don't marry that man.

Ron?

- I'm referring to this couple. - No no no, let him speak.

Danielle, I know that you said we should be practical,

but I can't.

- Ron. - Stuart, no no.

Please, I just need to get this off my chest.

- Dude, what the fuck? - I know,

but I just have to tell her of my feelings. I understand.

- This is my fiancée. - I know, but please let me finish.

- No. - Let him finish.

- Wait. Danielle and him? - Bolus, I'm sorry, but we're in love.

Dude, you are ruining my life. Why are you doing this to me?

Stuart, this is not about you.

- Yes, it is. - Stuart, let him finish.

Whose side are you on?

Danielle, I'm following my heart.

And my heart says...

Stuart: You can't just do that, asshole.

Stop it! All of you just stop it!

Danielle!

Stuart!

Ron!

- Are you okay? - Yeah.

Henry: Okay, come on.

How about we skip to the end?

I declare you wed. You may kiss.

- Mazel tov! - Namaste!

Let's get a drink.

Everybody drinks.

Woman: Namaste.

If I open my eyes,

the serpent will see me and I'll be swallowed.

Dude, he needs a spirit animal.

Oh, he's beyond that.

He's in the union space of pure consciousness.

Whoa.

I'm in a purple tube.

Duane: Roman, open your eyes.

No.

- Open your eyes. - No.

Open your eyes.

- Do you see the serpent? - Oh yeah.

Yes. What color are its eyes?

Brown.

Kyle: Whoa.

Is the serpent wearing glasses?

Yeah.

The serpent is you.

Roman, let yourself

consume yourself.

Kyle, your band is on.

Oh shit, you're right.

Whoo! What are you boys doing?

I need something to write on. I need something to write on.

What an unusual ceremony.

I'm sure that you two will be very happy.

Oh, I'm sure too,

'cause if you waggle your flanks in his face one more time, I'll cut you.

What... what part is flanks?

Constance, I wrote this song for us,

Constance, I wrote this song for us,

for what we've been through, fighting the good fight.

It's called "My Struggle. "

♪ We're special, you and I ♪

♪ Blond our hair and blue our eyes ♪

♪ The world, it should be ours ♪

♪ But they just want money ♪

♪ It's a conspiracy ♪

♪ Yeah, they brand you a star... ♪

Man: Did he say "a star"?

♪ Put you on the midnight train ♪

♪ Going very far... ♪

Man: Midnight train?

♪ Line you up and give you a number ♪

♪ Shoot you down, throw you away ♪

♪ We will not surrender ♪

♪ This is my struggle... ♪

You know, like stardom, like fame, right?

Offending the Jews...

- The holo-what? - Caust.

Karma Rocket, everybody. Yay!

- Lydia: Whoo! Yeah! - Thank you so much. Mwah. Thank you.

- What a week. - Yeah.

Shit.

Um, aren't you married?

Not for long.

- She served papers yesterday. - What?

I'm fucked.

- Hey, have you seen Casey? - No. Go away, Henry.

Hey, there you are. You just missed Karma Rocket,

which is to say you missed some powerful Aryan energy.

Are you all right?

Uh, they cut my scene.

What? What, the Apatow...?

My manager just called and said that they cut my scene

and that I'm not in the movie anymore.

I'm so sorry.

The big fucking break?

I'm not even fucking in it. I don't... what is the point?

Don't say that, okay? That's ridiculous.

How is that ridiculous, Henry? You think that that's sensible.

You don't even think that that's ridiculous.

No, that's not true. Listen, I'm so sorry,

but, you know, you can't talk like that.

You have so much talent and you work so hard.

- Yeah, just keep chasing the dream? - Yeah.

That's not ridiculous? Just keep trying

- because I'm gonna make it, right? - Yes yes. You are going to make it.

- That's crazy, Henry. - No, it's not.

- You're lying. - No, I'm not.

- Yes, you are. - No, I'm not, Casey.

Casey, I'm just trying to help you.

I know what you're trying to do. I know that you're trying to help me.

Maybe if we were the same kind of crazy...

but we're not.

'Cause if you're not crazy enough to believe it for you,

how are you gonna believe it for me?

- Casey. - Don't, please.

- Look, I'm... - Please, Henry,

there's nothing that you can say.

Okay?

You can stop.

Oh.

You were right, Lydia.

I followed my heart and I lost everything.

Oh Ron.

What do you think of Bolus?

Isn't he married?

Apparently not for long.

I mean, he's so cute,

but you know my motto... be practical.

And it looks like he's gonna lose everything.

The wife's getting it all...

the company, the house.

I mean, is it stupid to fall for a guy who has nothing?

He's gonna lose the company?

Ron: Danielle.

I thought you'd left.

I took Stuart home and I told him that we're through.

- Danielle. - You were absolutely right, Ron.

And I want you. And I don't care if you have to work

- at a gas station or a Burger King... - No no no, we're not gonna...

...or a dry-cleaner or a chicken factory.

We don't have to work at a chicken f...

If we're together, we can be happy.

And so what if you don't have a career...

- Well, that's what... ... or feel like a real man...

No, that's what I'm trying...

...or have any reason to wake up in the morning?

No, Danielle, that's what I'm trying to tell you.

It's a miracle. I can still be operations manager.

Your dad is no longer the head of Party Down. Your mom is.

And she hates Stuart, so...

Your parents are getting a divorce.

Yeah!

What?

That's it.

And then as they're about to attack the planet,

they realize that the alien civilization is themselves.

Love it. Love it.

That's it... the serpent in the mirror.

- They're the serpent in the mirror. - Great title, man.

I thought you couldn't OD on pot.

No, we're just taking him to show the nurses.

- I've never seen a guy this high. - Nice.

- Kyle, Kyle. - Yeah, buddy?

- Hold on to that... - Okay.

...till I can type again. It's my masterpiece.

- Got it right here. - Oh my God.

I now understand everything.

I got the egg. Yay!

Whoo!

- Congrats! - Come on, sweetie pie, come on.

Everybody ready?

Henry, where's Casey?

We had a disagreement. She left.

Well, welcome to the club...

- a shit sandwich club. - Constance: Okay, here we go.

Argh! What the fuck is that?

It's the egg of blessing.

It means you will find love.

I'm married!

And it'll last forever.

He's gone.

No. Are you sure he ain't just fooling around?

Nope.

He passed on.

Thank you, Howard.

Every day has been a gift.

And the free gifts stop here.

Except for your dad's signature.

What are you talking about? I saw him si...

Wait, who is Jack Shit?

Ron: No, honey, I understand.

Maybe we got the wrong... I'm sorry, maybe I got the wrong birdseed.

Can we talk about this later?

Isn't it wonderful... those two?

- It's like a fairy tale. - Yeah.

- Oh hey, man, I got your notes. - My notes?

Yeah, remember when you were totally high

and you wrote down detailed notes about your sci-fi masterpiece?

- I did? - Yeah, and it's kind of badass.

Sorry I didn't roll it back up, but it's really good, man.

I think you got something there.

This is toilet paper.

Ron: I don't think it holds a conversation. Just teach it words.

Well, what words do you like? I don't want to fight...

can I call you back, please?

Mundo, you're late. That's an RDD.

- A what? - Where's Henry?

A day off. He said he had to go do something.

Hi.

Henry Pollard?

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