Original subtitles

Hey.

Everything okay?

Yeah, the deet sheet calls for 50016oz cups, so I'm just...

So you're counting them?

Ron, they come 100 to a sleeve.

Here, here's 200. You got 200 there.

You got 100 in your hand. You're all set.

- Oh right. Henry. - Yes?

When you have an orgasm, how much stuff comes out...

of your penis?

Henry: Well, why come to me with this?

Why not a doctor or a close personal friend?

You've watched porn, right?

I'm not a connoisseur or anything.

I mean, is that normal?

I mean, in bartending terms, these guys ejaculate

like a jiggerful.

And I used to think it was trick photography,

like some guy off-camera with a Super Soaker or something.

But I've studied it. On DVD you can slow it down frame by frame,

and unless it's CGI, which I can't imagine that they have the budget for,

that's a lot of ejaculate. Or is it? I don't know.

I don't know, Ron. I mean, I wouldn't sweat it.

I never did. I mean, Sandy Jared

used to give me handies in the Skateland parking lot,

and my stuff would hang right off the visor of my Cordoba.

But lately I've been dating this girl,

and the last time afterwards she says to me,

"Is that all?"

Well, maybe she was having an existential crisis.

She says I must jerk off all the time

because I am completely depleted. I mean, Henry,

can you fill up a thimble? Because I have tried,

and I cannot. I can't do it.

Oh God, I don't need to know this information, Ron.

Is there something wrong with me?

I think so, yes. Quite possibly.

- Kyle, what are you...? - Hey.

Oh man, it was such a long night last night.

I must have dozed off for a second.

I'm gonna go to the van. If you guys need anything...

You'd better not be going outside to take that call, okay?

Because I made it specifically clear in my email

that we have been dinged for the last time

on the comment cards about cell phone use.

No, I was actually gonna go out and see if I could find

a garden gnome for you to fuck.

Get it? 'Cause a gnome would be like,

"Oh Ron, you're drowning me in jizz!"

- That's pretty funny. - Hey Henry, here's a riddle for you...

how many Rons would it take to make a bukkake film?

Oh, you know what? That's enough.

Both of you, outside, okay? That's it. And that's one for you, pal.

Roman: Ugh, corn chips, bean dip,

chili dogs, Jell-O shots...

is this a white trash theme party or are we in Arkansas?

- Don't be a snob, Roman. - Don't swim, fish.

I have nothing against simple folk.

This is just need-to-know information.

Am I supposed to enjoy the irony or pity the sincerity?

Well, it's making me homesick.

This is what a party back home looked like,

with food people actually enjoy.

You don't think I have to bite my tongue

every time I carry a tray with Santa Barbara grilled eel beaks

and a baby pine cone sauce?

All right, listen up, people. Hand over your cell phones.

I tried to be nice, but it clearly isn't effective management strategy.

So I'll hand them over after the event. Chop suey, let's go.

Ron, you can have my phone when you pry it from my cold dead fingers.

Yeah, Ron, why don't we just have everyone promise

not to use them so much?

Okay, as long as I get everybody's word, okay?

Because today could be a really big day for us.

We could be on national television.

- What? - Oh, that's awesome.

Explain that.

This is the home of Cole Landry and it's draft day

when all his dreams come true.

Wait, what dude's dream is to get sent to Afghanistan?

Cole Landry

holds every Pac-10 passing record.

He's a quarterback

in football.

They get drafted and then play professional...

do any of you even live in America?

Am I the only one here who's ever been in a Champs?

Good gravy!

All right, so here's the deal:

Cole's family and his teammates will be here, okay?

There's gonna be a TV film crew

providing a live feed from the minute he gets picked, okay?

So let's leave a good impression, yes? Kyle.

Oh great... a houseful of neckless mutants.

Uh-oh, high school flashbacks? Are these the guys that gave you wedgies?

- No. - Swirlies?

- Fuck off. - Noogies?

- Pantsed? - Fart-faced?

Henry.

No, I don't fear these morons. I pity them.

I mean, in the real world the only thing 36" thighs gets you

is specially-made gym teacher shorts and 30 grand a year.

And really hot chicks.

Uh, no. Casey, when you're looking to mate,

are you looking for a giant bulging idiot or someone with some intelligence?

- A giant bulging idiot. - Boom.

Right, so you want a guy that's gonna keel over

and crush you from a heart attack at 50 from eating all this shit?

I do. I want to be crushed beneath him... my huge fat husband.

Of course you want that 'cause you're dating a whopping 90-pounder.

Hey.

You are a runty little puppy.

Thanks.

Argh! Damn it. Son of a...

Let me help you with that, sir.

Oh, this damn hand.

You should see the table saw though.

Oh, good one.

Okay, what you want to do... you wind it up, make su...

That is the sexiest thing I've ever seen.

Hey now, don't you go and speak too soon.

Okay, I stand corrected there.

- Hi, I'm Bill. - I'm Lydia.

Well... oh.

- Hi, Dad. - What?

Which one of these should I wear on TV?

Oh man, I... Rianna would know.

She's gone, Dad.

You need to move on. We've talked about this.

Hey now, who wants to be a millionaire?

How's my favorite agent?

All right, Cole, say it loud and say it proud...

"I wanna play in sunny Tampa Bay. "

- Tampa Bay! - Yeah, let's do this.

Come on, cameras are coming.

Sportscaster: But I have to say there is not a lot of drama in the fourth pick.

Tampa Bay needs a quarterback

and there is no signal caller higher on the draft board than Cole Landry.

Sportscaster 2: Yeah, in Landry you get not just a starting quarterback,

you get the face of the franchise too.

All right, when Cole is picked we're cutting in live.

- Hey. - Hey.

A row of Jäger shots, please, barkeep.

So I think I totally get it now.

Finally you get it. What? What do you get?

Your big Apatow movie premiere

- coming up... - Uh-huh, yeah.

- There's gonna be a lot of heavy hitters there.

I'll say.

- "Who's Who" of the comedy world. - Uh-huh.

And you're gonna be mingling with them.

I might do a little mingling,

- sure. - Sure.

- Okay, so good. You get it then. - I totally get it.

Well, I do not get it even a little bit. What are we talking about?

I mean I get why I'm not your plus-one.

- I see. I see. - Uh-huh.

See, if I had the opportunity to really get in there

- and do some networking... - Don't.

...I probably wouldn't want to bring a cautionary tale on my arm either.

- Man, this is a huge relief for me. - Oh, good good.

Because honestly I have rehearsed

- the you-embarrass-me speech... - Of course.

...like 100 times in my head probably. - Sure.

But I don't even need to do it because you get it.

- I get it. - And that's what makes you

- such a cool guy. - Thanks.

I mean, not arm-candy cool, obviously,

but fuck-buddy cool.

Okay.

Nobody puts Baby in the corner.

Yeah, buddy, I've been there.

Been where?

There,

that place where the person you want to be with night and day

only wants to be with you when there's no one else around.

Oh right, yeah. Well, that's not our situation.

Don't fool yourself, brother.

So Tampa passes on Cole Landry.

- Are you surprised? - Sportscaster #2: I'm shocked.

What do you think's going through Landry's head right now?

He probably falls to Philly at eight

and $10 million flies out the window.

...in the house.

Thank you so much. This is so... okay.

Okay.

- Ron, hey. - Hey.

Okay, so my band got a slot on an industry showcase tonight.

- Aww. - Yeah.

So is it cool if I just like leave a little bit earlier or whatever?

Oh shoot, not a chance to get backup. You should have asked me earlier.

I didn't know earlier.

Oh really? How did you find out then?

A carrier pigeon, Ron, yeah. A carrier pigeon landed in the backyard

- with a little note on its foot... - Just flew over.

...with all the information. It's great. Can you believe it found me?

Wow. No, you were on the phone. I saw it, so...

Okay, yeah. I was on the phone.

Right. So sorry, Kyle. Only employees who follow the rules get rewarded.

- What? - You heard me.

What the fuck?

Yeah, I put everything into this.

You know, I turned down work so I could coach my son.

- Oh. - And you know what?

Cole's mother never understood it.

- She wanted a bigger house. - Come on.

She called me a piss-poor provider and walked out.

Oh, you poor guy.

So Cole's mom... that's Rianna?

No no no, Rianna is my ex-girlfriend.

- Oh. - She was just bad news,

- a big spoiled brat. - Ugh.

She's too young and pretty for me anyway.

Oh, come on. Fuck.

Man, Ron is being such a dick again.

Oh, next you're gonna tell me that a bear is defecating in the woods.

No, check this out... my band just got a last-minute

industry slot at the Rainbow Room. He won't let me leave

like just a little bit earlier to make it.

Oh no, this was the big night you guys were gonna get your record deal.

Yeah maybe.

Fuck, do they Super Glue this bitch on?

Let me help you with that, little buddy.

It's not easy.

Wow, looks like you really struggled with that, little buddy.

I loosened it, you dick.

Hey, we all have our talents, right?

I guess.

Yeah, while you were busy opening jars

and pushing a blocking sled around,

I was reading literature.

Ah, a man of letters.

I'm a bit of a book buff myself. Who are you into?

Heinlein, Azimov, Clarke... you probably haven't heard of them.

A sci-fi man. No, I love Heinlein...

"A Stranger in a Strange Land. " What about Bradbury?

I'm a little lukewarm on "Fahrenheit 451,"

but "Martian Chronicles"? Come on!

They're the best.

I haven't gotten to it yet.

I'm busy... I'm really busy though.

Yeah, I'm not really a big Azimov guy.

I mean, I'll give him "The Three Laws of Robotics,"

but he's mid-list.

Which is ironic, because I love the Russians...

Dostoevsky, Gogol, Chekhov.

Oh, Roman's super into Chekov... yeah, and Sulu.

Moron. And that's not irony.

A lot of people make that mistake... you, Alanis Morissette.

You say "ironic" when you really mean "happenstance. "

- For instance... - Thanks.

I could really use a lesson on irony.

Perfect. Here you go.

Irony is when you say one thing

but you mean the opposite. For example...

I could stand here all night and soak up this knowledge.

You interrupted me.

I was in the middle of telling you what irony is.

And then if... if... oh. Okay, I got you.

- What just happened? - Very good.

You must be the only football-playing lit major ever.

No, I'm pre-med.

You're pre-med?

Yeah.

Hmm.

Oh, I don't like the term "stage mom. "

Escapade is my teammate.

Yeah, people used to yell at me all the time...

"Bill, let the kid have a childhood.

No five-year-old needs to run tire drills in July. "

No seven-year-old needs to have permanent eyeliner tattooed on either.

- That doesn't mean it's a bad idea. - Exactly. Exactly.

Oh hey, time out. Hey hey, it's Philly's pick.

Sportscaster: With the eighth pick, Philadelphia selects

offensive lineman Jake Kupp out of Washington.

Sportscaster 2: We turn our attention now to a star of Detroit,

and for them defense is the name of the game.

Here's how it's really gonna go, Phil... vodka...

he's gonna play you twice a year in division;

he's gonna whup your sorry ass. And then when they carve your tombstone,

it's gonna read, "Here lies the dumb fuck

who passed on Hall of Fame quarterback

Cole Landry!"

Could you please tell my wife if she loved me

she wouldn't call me on this day?

He's gonna pop your eyeball out and skull-fuck you, Phil!

How about that?

No no, sweetie. Get your daddy on the phone.

Excuse me. Sorry. A hamster bit one of your kids

and your wife wants to know if she should bring him to the hospital.

- Which one? - Which one? He wants to...

Fuddrucker.

Jesus. Fuck. Which kid?

Hold on. Honey, I love you, but fuck you for calling on draft day!

Hi. Refill?

Why the fuck not?

All right, here's something I don't get...

you are like this big college football player,

- right? - Mm-hmm.

So what girl wouldn't want to be seen with you?

How would your parents react if they found out

you were sport-fucking a large black man?

They'd say it explains a lot.

Look, all I am is some sort of sexual carnival ride, you know?

So you and your lady... I saw how she was icing you out.

Do you love her?

The... what?

Hey buddy, you got a moment?

Yes, of course. What can I help you with?

- Actually, I just started residency. - Wonderful.

And I was talking to your friend over there about your health concerns.

And it reminded me of this patient...

Wait a minute. What friend?

That guy.

Oh, Henry.

So he told you about the amount of my...

- Ejaculate? - Yes.

Yes, and it reminded me of this patient who came in and said

that he was producing limited reproductive material.

- That's me. - We brought him in the office,

took down his pants for an exam

and he had testicles the size of Christmas hams.

Christmas hams?

My concern is you're presenting acute bacterial prostatitis.

It's an infection of the prostate

that causes inflammation and can lead to cystitis

and in some instances prostate cancer.

Ball cancer?

Prostate cancer.

Right, which is the medical term for balls, like in Latin?

A different gland entirely.

But what I suggest you do is when you go home,

- have a good night's rest... - Okay.

...shave your testicular area, call your physician first thing

and tell him that you urgently need your balls pulled and palpated.

Pulled and palpated. I don't know what that means.

It's a technical procedure. He'll know.

But go, 'cause my concern is

that this could lead to something deadly serious.

Thank you.

No problem.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry sorry sorry.

When you said your patient produced

limited reproductive material, how much is "limited"?

Ballpark?

So the big mystery of the day

is why Cole Landry continues to slide.

Yeah, I've just spoken to someone high up

in one of the organizations that passed on Landry

and they had confirmed that this is the reason they chose not to draft him.

Sportscaster 1: What we're hearing is that many organizations

have become convinced that Cole Landry is gay.

That's fucking bullshit.

Oh my God, what the fuck kind of reporting is this?

Sportscaster 2: My source tells me that if it was any other position,

they wouldn't care. But we are talking about the face of the franchise.

Fucking shit.

You know me. I get so much pussy it's not even funny.

- It's not even a joke. - Hey, I'm the king of pussy, bro.

I know, okay? This is fucking Rosenhaus, okay?

He wanted his kid to be the first QB drafted. You know what?

That gel-haired scumfucker is fucking us.

Maybe we should have gone with Rosenhaus, Cole.

- We're family. - We're not family.

Hey hey, no no no. Ask the booster girls how gay I am.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, hey! Time out!

Pull yourselves together. Cole, you're a quarterback. Show some poise.

Now you listen to me. Every round we're losing half a million dollars,

so let's stop talking about how much pussy we're getting.

Of course you're getting a lot of puss.

Let's get our shit together and come up with a plan.

Well, the celebration has officially turned into a wake.

Hey, so how come you're not taking your boy here to your big movie premiere?

'Cause he ain't pretty enough?

- 'Cause he ain't tall? - Hmm.

Is it 'cause he's working some shit job? Is that it?

Wow, that is an impressive list of reasons.

He has feelings for you, girl...

deep feelings.

Maybe he's not sure it's love,

but his shit runs deep.

Uh, well, Jerome... Casey. Casey... Jerome.

Is that true, Henry? Does your shit run deep?

Well, isn't it enough to know that my shit runs at all?

Well, Jerome, I am not taking Henry to my premiere

because I'm taking my mother.

But you don't even like your mother.

I know that I don't like my mother,

but she always refers to my career as "that little thing that you do,"

so this is like my only chance to rub her nose

in whatever tiny bit of success I have.

So why are you not taking Henry to your comedy shows?

- Oh Jesus, dude. - Wow, that was...

Okay, I don't take Henry to my comedy shows

because I do a skit

where I get kind of friendly with another guy,

and Henry gets kind of jealous sometimes.

Come on, I mean, I know the difference

between stage kissing and real life. I mean, I was an actor.

Actually, I play an animatronic love doll

and the audience has to, like, shout out suggestions

for my quadriplegic inventor to order me to do.

Well...

Are you all right? You look a little bothered by that.

Not at all. I mean, maybe by the logic I'm bothered.

- I mean, how did he build you? - Right.

Obviously, not your inventor 'cause he's quadriplegic.

And don't say "by another robot" 'cause that's ridiculous.

Yeah, not bothered at all, see? He's fine with it.

I am. I mean, I get it, 'cause it's a job.

- So I understand. - Casey, Casey, an exciting opportunity.

They're just about to cut to a live feed

from right here in this living room in, like, 10 minutes.

Now with that information

and knowing how much the camera loves you,

how would you feel

about snuggling up to Cole Landry

and pretending that you're his girlfriend?

I would feel like an idiot, probably.

Well, would you feel like an idiot for 500 smackers?

Oh, well, then I would feel like a whore.

Hey, language, Casey. You're a girl.

Now listen to me. Cole Landry is losing

half a million dollars with every pick of the draft,

and all because of some horrible rumor.

Could you find it in your heart to help this kid out?

- So that's a job. That's income. - Yes.

Henry, how would you feel about that, since I get paid?

- Yeah, that's great. Yeah terrific. - Great? Awesome.

Hey, let's get you into a push-up bra.

- Okay. - Come on.

"That's great"? Come on, man.

Grow some balls, please.

Oh Jesus. Did you light a match?

Oh. Ooh, this could be good.

Oh God, who used to live here... Tanya Tucker?

Tanya Tucker? I wish.

No, Bill's ex... Rianna. Blort.

Casey, you've got such a darling little figure.

Why don't you show it off?

I do show it off.

I wear pasties and tassels all the time when I'm not at work.

Hey look, I found it. This is the winner.

- Yeah. - Are you crazy?

Think of this as an acting assignment. You're playing a bimbo.

Ooh cha-cha. Yeah, a bimbo with a heart of gold

dating the captain of the football team.

Okay, why are you doing this, seriously?

Do you have a thing for the kid's dad? It's pretty obvious.

Oh, Casey, I think the dad might have a thing for me.

- Uh-huh. - And, you know,

the rest of it will take care of itself.

You tell me to express myself

and demand respect

when right here, man,

with me watching you,

you just rolled over when your woman...

Well? Well, look at her.

Oh my God, you're right. I am a pussy.

Oh, no no no. You're cut off.

Whenever anybody has success, they always have something to say about them.

Excuse me, can I talk to you for one second?

Yeah. Excuse me. What can I do for you, buddy?

I was hoping maybe you could take a look at this.

What exactly am I looking at here?

Sportscaster: You've heard the rumors. What is it you want to say?

Sportscaster: You've heard the rumors. What is it you want to say?

You know, I don't know who laughed harder when I heard

people thought I was gay... me or my girlfriend Casey.

Me.

Oh my God, I get so mad at this guy

because every time a pretty girl walks by,

he's like whoosh! And just looks at her.

- Whoosh! All the time. - I can't help myself.

I'm like, "What the F, Cody, you horn dog? I'm right here. "

I'm sorry, who's Cody?

Ziggy: Is this your sperm in my hand?

Uh, it's just a nickname.

Ziggy: Did you just jack off?

Cole: She thinks I throw like Cody Carlson.

- Yeah, he does. You do. - Yeah, I do.

Warren Moon's backup with the Oilers in the '90s?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's the guy I throw like, for sure.

- Yeah, look at the tape. - Mm-hmm.

- She's quite a student of the game. - Yeah.

Ziggy: I don't care! You just put your jizz in my hand, bro!

- Is something going on there? - Uh, well, it's a party.

- You know, parties get rowdy. - Yeah, party!

Ziggy: It's fucking jizz is why!

Cole, I'm wondering if you can comment

on this photo that's been circulating.

It's now posted on Deadspin.

It appears to show you outside a West Hollywood club...

- Guest: Oh shit! ... called the Manhole.

Guest 2: That's fucked up, man.

Jerome: Who's that, Cole?

Who the fuck is that?

This is the last straw, motherfucker.

This camel's back is officially broken.

What am I to you anyway... a plaything,

a piece of tissue to just use up and throw away?

Well, fuck that.

Nobody puts Baby in the corner!

No, Jerome baby. No no no, my chocolate drop.

Woman: Billy!

Rianna!

I came as soon as I heard the news.

Bill: Oh baby, it's bad. It's really bad.

We're not entirely sure what's happening here.

Yo bitch,

get the fuck out of my clothes.

You can't say "fuck" on TV.

Sportscaster 1: Well, the first round

has certainly given us a day of surprises.

Sportscaster 2: You know, some dreams have come true today,

some have crashed and burned.

Hey, I'm sorry to put you through that.

No, listen, man, I wasn't the one who just lost

millions of dollars and my boyfriend

and got outed on national TV,

so it's all good, really.

I guess that was the easiest 1000 bucks you ever made, huh?

Uh, $1000?

Cole, Cole, I got fucking San Francisco here.

They're about to pick you with the final pick in the first round, bro.

And I got the world's largest ad agency...

how would you like to be the new face of fucking Abercrombie & Fitch?

- Are you serious? - Yeah. Come here. Hold on.

I'm gonna get so much ass!

So you had your fun, huh,

a little bit of a laugh at good old Ron's expense?

I have no idea what good old Ron is talking about.

You told that doctor about my problem...

my wad problem.

Your what problem?

Ron, I assure you I spoke to no one about your wad.

Why would I talk to anyone about your wad?

Kyle.

I'm gonna kill him. Where is he?

I sent him home early. His band had a gig.

- Henry, what the fuck? - What?

- Who's in charge here? - Ziggy: Yeah, who is in charge here?

'Cause I'm trying to figure out if an employee jerking off

and handing out semen samples falls under

"needs work" or "completely unsatisfactory. "

Is there any way I could convince you he was going the extra mile?

This is Cole's house. Why does he have a comment card?

'Cause Cole is currently busier than I.

Don't you mean "me"... "Cole is busier than me"?

Or was there an away game the week subject-verb agreement was taught?

Roman...

I'm pretty sure it was "I." Maybe that was the week of Comic-Con.

Irony... I was being ironic.

- Henry. - What?

- I thought I had testicular cancer. - Oh Jesus Christ.

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