Original subtitles

And this recession's been great.

When people want less, they turn to us.

What's bad for America

is good for Party Down.

So on behalf of myself, Bolus Lugozshe and the main office,

I say free food and booze!

Both: Yay.

And this year we're catered.

Welcome to the fifth annual

Party Down company picnic!

Lydia: Yeah!

Lydia: Oh my God... oh.

Man: Shit.

So I thought about what happened last night...

Okay.

...and I was thinking that we have two options

- in this situation... - Yeah?

...the first option being that we just write it off

as a drunken indiscretion

and we decide that we're never ever gonna do it again.

- Right. - Done.

- And the second option is... - What, I break up with Uda?

Only if that's what you want.

I mean, we could also just fool around every once in a while.

- Yeah, see, there are two options. - Two options.

Yeah, I mean,

next time I see Uda, I could talk to her.

And say what?

I don't know.

Shit.

Ron, are you wearing a fucking tie to a company picnic?

I'm not here for fun. I'm here to seize an opportunity.

Roman, the key to success

is being ready to act when an opportunity arises.

Fact... Alan Duk was just sentenced

to four months for welfare fraud;

transferred ownership of Party Down

to Bolus Lugozshe, operations manager.

Fact... with Bolus in the top spot,

operations manager is wide open.

Fact... I will be the only one here

who spent all last week camped out at Kinko's

preparing an in-depth professional-grade

presentation for said job.

Ergo, fact... I am perfectly positioned to get...

What?

Are you wearing a tie?

- Hello, Mr. Lugozshe. - Hey, sport.

You should have been circulating those two minutes ago.

These people are cretins. This is the worst function we've ever worked.

Worse than Fred Durst's birthday? Suck it up, Bracken.

We're professionals.

Kale, what is it about "more wieners" that you do not understand?

Uda, hey.

I saw the van. I thought I'd say hi.

Sato, a Heineken, then outside.

Thanks.

Oh hi.

Hi. Sorry I didn't tell you that we were working this function,

but I realized I never surprised you, so...

You look surprised. I did it.

Um, how was the theater thing?

Oh, whatever.

- Tell me what happened. - Nothing happened. What do you mean?

Dogshit or human shit?

Use a stick, burn the garment, bleach everything.

- Henry. - Yeah?

- We need to talk. - Talk? What do you mean?

About us. Between work and Bryce's school

and our schedules, I feel we're growing distant.

Yeah, okay. 'Cause actually I wanted to talk with you.

- Just listen. - Okay.

I don't want us to be like that.

And Bolus Lugozshe was just in here with a very interesting proposition

that might concern us both.

Okay.

Um, excuse me,

there's a hair on my miniburger right here.

Just a little advice from a fellow caterer...

usually when we handle the food, we don't use our vaginas.

That's good.

A fellow caterer... that's funny.

- That is rich. - Why is that funny?

You think 'cause you're better-looking, you're a better caterer?

Looks have nothing to do with it.

Good thing for you, 'cause you're not better-looking than me.

I'm better-looking than him and her and everyone else here.

And we're better caterers.

That guy is not better-looking than me.

No no, of course not, darling.

You're much better-looking. You too, Roman.

Look, Escapade, want to try some nice watermelon?

You can't tell me what to do anymore!

God, a non-stop hormonal shitstorm.

I'm glad I'm not a girl.

She fired me

as her manager.

Oh.

A great picnic, Mr. Lugozshe...

perfectly planned, well-executed.

Don't stop eating. I just need a hot dog's worth of your time.

Mr. Lugozshe, since returning to Party Down

after running my own business, I have worked hard...

worked smart... worked hard and sm...

worked hard. Damn it.

My point being,

I think once you see my materials

that I made up, you're... shit...

that hard and smart

are exactly what you need in an operations manager.

If this is about the job, Don, there's nothing to talk about.

Ron. But I think if you look at the materials, sir...

Fuck.

Auditions and stuff... I mean, that's just part of it.

Just as important is networking...

where you go out, you know, who you see, who sees you.

See? My mom doesn't know any of this stuff.

Yeah, okay, this is key...

Sky Bar Mondays, Cherry Tuesdays.

Wednesday nights is Bar Marmont.

- How old are you? - 14.

Okay, do not tell them that.

Oh, and do you shave your arms?

Three hits and one homer.

Who knew I was fucking awesome at kickball?

Awesome if you're a girl.

Stick around, see how a man does it.

Jesus. Who's that asshole?

Garlan Greenbush... company picnic all-around champ three years running.

The guy is a winning machine.

What's "all-around"?

You know, whoever gets the most points at all the picnic games.

Stupid.

Is there a trophy?

Woman: Come on, Trace, you're up!

Whew.

- Are you a religious man? - No.

Yeah, me too. Sometimes I wonder,

why do some people succeed

and others who work hard and work smart just don't?

I mean, is there an order to things

or is the universe just unfair?

I don't know.

Argh! Oh, why why why?

Why why why why why?

Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I'm totally uncoordinated.

I'm so sorry. Please don't sue my dad.

Your dad? Why would you sue your dad?

Because he owns the company. Oh God.

- Bolus Lugozshe is your dad? - Yes. Are you okay?

No. It really hurts.

Oh my God, can you speak?

- Yes, I'm speaking right now. - You are.

So, loaded trays, spiral pattern.

Overhead and carry once around the barrel,

around the bench and back.

Set tray, open beers, pour standard 2/3.

Points deducted for excess head.

And of course, any spills... instant disqualification.

Yeah yeah yeah, dude, we got it. Just prepare to lose, okay?

Hey, have you guys seen Casey anywhere?

- No. - What are you doing?

A catering race.

These guys are talking shit. We're gonna teach them a lesson.

- Yeah, we are. - Oh, so on your day off

you turn your shitty job into a contest.

Hey, do you guys want to put money on this?

Fuck yeah, let's make it interesting.

- What do you got, Kyle? - Four bucks.

Four bucks? What do you have, Henry?

No.

Okay, so nine bucks on.

Well, now it's interesting.

- Gentlemen, take your trays. - Fuck yeah.

- Come on, Kyle. These guys suck. - No, we don't.

Waiters, set...

go!

- Let's go, Kyle. - Come on, Sato, go go go.

- Come on, come on, Sato. - Come on, Kyle.

- Lucy Liu, Lucy Liu, let's go. - Let's go, Kyle, come on.

Keep the lead. Keep the lead, Kyle.

- That's a forfeit, man. - Oh, man.

Not only are you guys ugly, you're dumb.

Oh, we're dumb? You owe us nine bucks, bitch.

Yeah, bitch.

You guys suck at everything.

I fucking hate them.

This is it, dawg. This is it, bro.

Come on, you think you got what it takes?

You don't. Horse, motherfucker!

You got second place. That's not bad for a girl.

Are you telling me you threw a perfect game of horse?

Yeah. And guess what else? I'm gonna win the all-around.

- Oh. - That's right, Garlan Greenbush.

What the fuck kind of name is that anyway, seriously?

Are you like an unemployed wizard or something?

Wizard of this.

You're a wizard of making women uncomfortable.

- No, I'm a lead guitarist. - Oh.

Yeah yeah, see, and that's an actual move.

- With your band. - Yeah.

The Pylz Dryrz.

Pyle Dryverz,

like what's gonna happen to you.

- You step into the ring with me... - Mm-hmm.

...and you're entering a world of shit.

I'm sure that applies to doing just about anything with you.

See you at the three-legged race, Garlan.

I was a crew member and a team leader. I know the company.

I ran my own Soup R' Crackers.

Really? I loved Soup R' Crackers.

- Really? - I was shocked when they went bankrupt.

When I think about a bad economy, I think soup kitchen, bread lines...

- All-you-can-eat salad, I know. - Yes.

Did it bleed?

'Cause this is my only good shirt. I don't have a backup.

No, but there's a bump.

Oh no, that's always been there. They don't know what it is.

I was gonna present this to your dad,

but now with my spine the way it is,

- I don't feel 100%. - I can totally show this to him.

- Yeah? - Yes.

That would be great. That would be great.

Oh wait, but he already offered the job to the woman from Valhalla Catering.

Uda Bengt? Shit.

Crap. Why did I even bother?

Wait wait wait, no no no. I mean, if you really want to,

I've got another idea.

Hey, can I interest you in a three-legged race?

Hey, can I interest you in a three-legged race?

So I talked to her.

- Oh yeah? - And she offered me a job.

What do you mean, she offered you a job?

To work for her at the main office...

better pay, regular hours, a 401K... the whole thing.

She said she wants to make us work.

Yeesh.

I mean, I went in there ready to break it off with her,

but then she just starts saying all this crazy shit.

You want that stuff?

I don't know. I don't even know if that's the question, you know?

I mean, I want a million dollars and a giant house,

but, I mean, when is it dumb to give up something stable

and okay to roll the dice?

And I'm the dice?

I don't know. I mean...

She gave me this.

- What's this? - Her kid did it for me.

- What's this supposed to be? - It's me.

I didn't even think he liked me, but he drew me.

Yeah, he drew you with a giant boner.

No, he didn't. That's an arm.

That's attached to your crotch.

Well, he's not Rembrandt. He's five.

Oh yeah, that is a boner.

Well, what you have to understand

is that Hollywood is a raw Darwinian struggle

pitting assholes against other assholes.

- Okay. - So if you want to get anything done,

you're gonna have to be the biggest asshole you can be,

which is why I struggle. I'm just... I'm too nice.

Hurry up, you stupid queer!

You know? The secret to success...

when the opportunity arises, be the bigger asshole.

The bigger asshole.

- Casey: Come on, yeah yeah yeah. - Kyle: Here we go.

Casey: We got this. We got this. We got it. We got it.

Casey: Yes! Yes!

Yeah!

Oh my goodness!

Dick McWienus!

No, put an asterisk next to it, okay?

Because my real partner pulled a hammy, so...

Oh, is this an excuse contest? Is it? 'Cause you're good.

See you, Garlan.

Do-over! Do-over!

You stupid fuck!

Shh.

Company code of conduct provision number 5 states that...

Employees must conduct themselves in a civil manner.

Foul language, drug use...

Together: And lewd behavior are grounds for dismissal.

The biggest my dad ever freaked out

was when he found pot in my room.

- You smoke pot? - No.

I quit.

I mean, I'm trying to quit.

I am strong right now, but just a tiny bit.

Okay.

I'm gonna sneak in and put this in Uda's bag.

Right, and if somebody comes, I'll call you.

I've got your number in my cell phone. I've got it in my head.

Okay.

Wait wait wait wait.

Why are you doing this?

I mean, it was just a horseshoe to the back.

No, it wasn't.

You worked really hard on that proposal, Ron.

I mean, there's got to be some order to the universe.

Right?

Maybe.

Maybe there is an order to the universe.

- Ron. - What?

- Why are you standing there? - I'm not.

I'm not. I'm just enjoying the party, Uda.

Well, do it elsewhere. This is a service lane.

I can hang out wherever...

Uda.

I did want to talk to you about something.

I hear you're up for operations manager.

- What about it? - I'm just surprised, you know.

I always thought that Party Down was beneath you.

- Who told you? - No one.

- Was it Henry? - No. Yes.

- Well, did he have a reaction? - You know Henry. It's hard to tell.

You know him very well, Ron.

Was he pleased or was he uncomfortable?

Why would he be uncomf...? He didn't do anything wrong.

- Tell me what happened. - Nothing happened.

It was a theater party. And I for one would know what happened.

- If something happened, I would know. - Test the fabric

and then spread it on the vomit.

What does that mean, Ron?

Nothing. Nothing. Henry didn't do anything, okay?

He didn't even tell me about the job, so...

Hey, hold on. Stop it.

Danielle! Stop it. Danielle, somebody's coming.

Those are available at the party.

Okay, I'm higher than I thought.

Another thing... your shirt.

What, is that like Target or something?

See, your look is key. What do you think about this shirt?

It's cool... like casual but cool.

Yeah, see? That's my image right there... 300 bucks.

These jeans... a grand.

Really? They are so cool.

Well, my manager's gay and he thinks I'm gay,

so he gives me a ton of gifts and lots of stuff.

See, your mom needs to be totally spending way more on your clothes.

Hey, everybody. How's it going? A picnic.

Mom, I'm talking to Kyle here. Keep going.

- Is that a beer? - You're not my manager anymore,

so if you speak to me again, I'm gonna hitchhike home with a maniac.

- Come on, Kyle. - Copy that.

Okay, well...

It only gets worse.

My daughter just quit on me.

On her own mother. What did she do?

Singing shoe.

What is that?

A discount shoe center. We run local ads.

She was our singing shoe.

Huh?

Five, four, three,

two, one.

- And stop. - No no! I won!

And the winner of the hot dog eating contest

- is Garlan Greenbush. - Yes!

And the overall winner on points is...

Casey Klein!

Yeah! Yeah!

Fuck yeah!

You're a losing motherfucker, motherfucker!

- Whoo! - Man: Casey Klein!

- Casey! - Whoo! Thanks!

Yeah!

I hear you may join us at the main office.

- Oh. - The capital of North Dakota.

- What? - Bismarck.

Bone up on your trivia. We're a crazy bunch over there.

Ha ha, trivia. What's green and falls up?

That's not trivia.

- Hey. Hi. - Hey. Hi.

- Oh, sorry. - Sorry.

Look at it. It looks just like gold.

- How does it feel to be a winner? - So good. Like, really good.

Okay, break it up, you guys.

We've taken it all weekend from these Valhalla assholes.

Maybe they are better caterers. Maybe they are better-looking.

No, you know what? They're not better-looking.

No, they're not better-looking than you, Kyle, or you, Roman.

- Thank you. - Thank you, but on aggregate

- they're better-looking. - We need to teach these guys a lesson...

just because you're better-looking and more talented

- does not mean you're better. - Right.

- How do we teach them a lesson? - By kicking their ass at kickball.

- Oh my God. Whoo! - Yeah.

- Who's in? - I'm in.

- Fuck 'em in the ass! - One, two, three...

Fuck 'em in the ass!

- Kyle. - Hey.

I was thinking, since it's American and a ballgame,

Escapade should sing the national anthem.

- Yeah, I mean... - Hey, sloth, hurry up. Let's go.

Yeah. Yeah, that sounds...

Kyle, she won't talk to me. I need you to get her to sing.

- Lydia, we're gonna play a game... - I'm not kidding you, Kyle.

Whoa, what are you doing? Wait a minute. What the fuck?

Are you insane? It's a $300 shirt.

Yeah, and this $1.29 at Target.

And it'll only cost me a quarter to call your manager

and tell him you're not gay.

So you get her to sing, shit... morsel.

And the rockets' red glare

The bombs bursting in air

Gave proof through the night...

Look at this little thing. She's a triple threat.

She sings, dances, acts.

- She's beautiful. - For the land of the free

She'd be adorable as a shoe.

Whoo!

And the home of the brave.

Finally. Can we go kill these bastards already?

- Yeah! - Let's do it!

Hey, so they're roping you into this too?

Well, it's my team.

And I was all-state soccer in high school.

You have ketchup on your collar.

Sato: Let's do this.

Roman: Teamwork, huh?

Come on now!

Check this out.

I'm gonna kill 'em! Argh!

Argh!

Run. Run, you dope!

- Look, I'm on a base. - You're out.

- I did it. What? - You're out. It's like baseball.

- But I'm on a base. - Same rules.

- What are you talking about? - I was at the base with the ball...

- But I'm standing on... ... when you got here. You're out.

- Kyle: It's all right. It's all right. - Get off the field.

Okay.

That's all right. That's all right. Tied game, motherfucker.

Dude, you're not pitching.

- Yeah. - No.

Fuck off. I got the wicked spin.

See, I think this is where I'd just stop.

- What? - I like tied. It's a good feeling.

No no no no no. Now that I'm a winner,

I can't stop winning. It's all I want to do.

I'm addicted to winning. Look at me. Come on!

Kyle: Yeah, around the horn, around the horn.

All right, let's go, team. All right, Party Down.

Three up, three down. Let's do this. Don't fuck it up.

- Fuck off. - Lydia: Let's do it!

Man: Let's go Party Down!

Party Down, Party Down, Party Down, Party Down!

Argh!

Oh!

Lydia, tag him out!

Kyle: Okay. Whoa.

All right. Okay.

Did we get him? Are we celebrating or are they celebrating?

They're celebrating.

Casey: You know what to do. You know what to do.

- Kyle: We got this. - It's in there.

We got this, you guys. We got this. Three up, three down. Let's crush them!

- Casey: All right, come on. - Man: We got this one. Let's do it.

Man: She's got nothing, man.

- Man: Let's go. - Hey.

Hey.

Ron, Ron, I snuck back in and got it.

I put the stuff in. We just have to show my dad.

Thank you.

Maybe that horseshoe that hit me in the spine...

- Man: Blondie can't hit. Come on, Kyle. ... was guided by God Himself.

Lydia: Good pitch, Kyle!

- Argh! - Ron!

Oh shit.

- Kyle: Ron, Ron, are you okay? - Danielle: Somebody help him!

All right, guys, so we're calling the game on account of an injury.

- It's a tie. - It's not a tie. We're winning.

No, we're going by the rulebook here.

You can forfeit if you want.

It's not like you losers aren't used to losing.

- Let us find a replacement. - Yeah.

Yeah, let us replace our guy. We'll finish the game.

And may the best team win.

Sure. It won't make a difference.

Hey, what are you doing?

The ringer. We're gonna win this.

We're gonna be winners.

Hey, Greenbush.

Greenbush!

Oh, just fucking Skynyrd puts me in a weird space, you know?

Yeah yeah. Listen,

I know you lost the trophy after three years.

I know that's hard for you. You don't have to apologize

for your feelings, not to me.

What, did you just come here to gloat?

No I didn't. I came here to ask for your help.

Yeah, fat chance,

you fucking cheating douche whore bitch slut.

Listen to me. I will the surrender the trophy to you

if you just get off your ass, get on that field,

do your thing and be a goddamn hero.

What do you say?

I'll definitely get the trophy back?

Lt'll be like you never lost it.

Get it done. Come on, Garlan!

- Man: Yeah, let's do it! - Man #2: You can do this, Garlan!

Come on, Garlan!

- Man: Bases loaded. - Casey: Garlan, come on, come on!

Casey: Yes! Run! Run!

Shit.

- Casey: Come on, run! - Go go go go go!

- Kyle: Amazing. - Yes, come on, come on, yeah!

Yes. Yes.

Roman: Come on, man. What happened?

- Kyle: Come on. - Roman: What the hell was that?

Roman: God damn it.

- That wasn't necessary. - God damn it!

Hey.

I got you some ice.

- Are you okay? - I think so. Thanks.

Hey Ron, when you said that earlier about how you feel

like God threw the horseshoe, did you really mean that?

Oh Danielle,

I always thought that there was no one like me in the world, you know?

And then you come along and you're proactive

and you think outside the box.

You were just as shocked about Soup R' Crackers as I was.

And then you throw a horseshoe at my back?

I mean, that can't be random chance, can it?

Ron: Ow ow ow. Stop stop stop.

No no no, don't stop. Don't stop.

- Danielle: Okay. - Don't stop. Oh. Oh, stop stop.

- No no no, don't stop, don't stop. - I'm gonna stop.

Son of a bitch.

There's no order to the universe.

I can't believe I gave up my trophy

just to be a loser again.

- Awesome game, guys. - Fuck yourself.

Oh my God, I'm gonna be on TV.

- My little singing shoe. - This is so great.

Okay, now let's talk about my deal.

I would like a two-year exclusive as your manager,

full wardrobe approval, and of course paywise

we'll just do the traditional 50/50 split.

Hey, where are you going?

To roll the dice.

This is from Uda Bengt's bag?

Yes, joints. Marijuana joints.

Uda Bengt a pothead... I'm really surprised.

I know, I know. You would think that she would be

someone who follows ethical guidelines,

especially number 5, which states...

She just turned the job down.

Are you trying to bribe me, Ron?

Yes, you are.

Hey.

So I was thinking we should talk.

- Yes, we do. Actually I... - No, just listen.

I'm not taking the job.

It's not right for me. It's not right for you.

And I don't think this is what you want.

- "This" meaning the job? - Yes.

- Okay. - You're not a good team leader.

You don't want it.

But that's not what I wanted to talk to you about.

You can't be good at something you're not interested in.

I'm sorry, are we still talking about work?

Now I'm talking about us.

I'm not blind.

And it's clear that you have a more natural relationship with Casey

and the others than you ever did with me.

And I don't want to be just a job for you.

Okay, just stop just for a sec, Uda.

- Look, I think... - I think we should break up.

Was that what you were gonna say?

- Yeah. - Good.

Then we're in agreement. I hope we can remain friends.

And I'm sorry, Uda.

It's fine. Don't worry about me.

You're not the only man in the world,

even if Brice did like you.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, I don't think he did.

I don't think that's an arm.

No, that's your dick.

Hey Ron.

Yeah?

Do you have any interest in leading the team?

What, a team leader? Really?

I don't think it's really what I want to be doing.

With the raise and the benefits and everything?

No, just the title and responsibilities.

Yes yes yes.

Good.

Oh, Danielle.

Danielle, can I call you sometime? I got your number in my head.

Yes, absolutely. That'd be great.

- Oh my God, Ron, listen. - What?

If a guy answers my phone, just hang up. That's my fiancé.

You're engaged.

I know. It's kind of a drag.

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