Original subtitles

Did you measure the tables?

I'm I crazy or do the 6x10 tablecloths look way too big.

No...

rented.

Come on man, fan the napkins! People waited 20 years for this.

Make it special.

- Make it special. - These will make it special.

Fan, fan!

Yeah, that seemed to work.

- Ron, this isn't you're... - There you are.

- Melinda. - Problem.

The ice machine is running slow

we need to buy ice, and there's no freezer space...

No, no, not to worry we have backup.

We have dual-cycle a hoshizaki crescent cuber. Best in the world.

So you can just... chill.

If you have a backup of your schedule,

- that would be great. - That'd be a big help.

Excellent.

Actually...

Ron, the name tags are

just for the people at the reunion.

Yeah, I know.

I sat behind you for two years in social studies.

Oh my god, the back of your hair still looks wonderful.

Ron Donald.

I coughed a lot.

I got cutest guy, cutest couple, I got

best hair, best smile of course.

And I would've got prettiest eyes

but they canceled the category, 'cause some dildo got blinded at the prom,

lame.

You must be Harry. I'm Bobbi st. Brown.

Constance's roommate.

What happened to Constance?

She's with some guy Zoltan who

promised to make her a big star in blurvistan or something.

I know, sounds like escort work.

Anyway I bet Constance that I could inspire you

and get you back acting before she got back.

So let me take a look at you, okay.

Now your face is kind of pinched

and forward...

like a sphincter. You know it's very...

- Tight. - It's tight and it's dark.

- We can change all that. - Yeah, good luck.

- I'm not really in the acting b... - Not.

- Can't use that word, it's negative. - Okay.

I sensed that about you.

And that's why I brought you some positivity.

Indian scientists they tape recorded

these dolphins laughing.

And it turns out it's the happiest sound on earth,

scientifically proven.

Let me see it.

You gotta smile fifty times a day,

so no excuses go ahead. Let's see you do one.

Okay, what did you bet Constance?

- Ten dollars. - Cause actually,

I'm moving back home with my parents.

So,

nice meet to you.

Hey did you say 50 times? Cause I always thought it was 90 times.

90 would make you go insane.

Sounds like regular fuckin' dolphins.

You're not a dolphin scientist?

Jim Sledge, wrestling champion.

Came out senior year, big scandal, big scandal.

Denise klinger. Yearbook, ritalin.

Jenelle Beismeyer,

Total whore.

Ron, why didn't you just take the day off and go to your reunion?

Are you kidding me

are you kidding me? When I heard party down got this gig

I said I wanna to work it, man.

These people only remember me as "Bluto,"

the wild and crazy guy, and I want show them I got my shit together.

Bluto? Like Popeye?

- No. - Like the fat guy from Popeye?

Were you fat? Were you a fat guy in high school?

No like Belushi's character in "Animal House."

- Okay, I was fun and crazy. - Two gin and tonics, please.

Listen, guys, I know you like

to fool around, but I was wondering if you could maybe,

act like I'm a good boss

and... respect me.

Cause if they see the kind of guy that I am now, the new Ron,

it would really help me out a lot,

the other guys said okay, so...

- Yeah sure, Ron. - Excellent, thank you.

Melinda Weintraub, former class president and reunion coordinator!

And needing a splash of Chardonnay. Splash of Chardonnay.

We're got 30 "won't attends"

who just decided to show up anyway,

and parking, god, it's a nightmare.

A splash, Henry.

The woman said splash that's not a splash, what are you an idiot?

Splash.

Yes sir.

Fresh glass.

Splash, walla!

Thanks, Ron.

- Thank you, guys so much. - Sure.

So what's this bullshit rumor

I hear about you moving home?

It's not bullshit.

No, I mean, you know,

I have no career, I'm...

barely making rent playing as an extra on other people's lives?

Come on, I gotta face reality at some point

Henry, you can't that.

Why, because you need my shoulder to cry on

and my amusing asides to breakup the boredom of your day?

No, just... you can't move back in with your parents like...

- Who does that? - Cause you'll miss me too much?

Is that why?

Joe Spanelle! Dave Griggs,

how's your drink? You almost done? What do you need, scotch and soda?

Hey Bobbi, scotch and soda, asap.

Hey, Eddie, Steve-o, Lorraine.

How's it going?

How have you guys been?

Alice, how's that pilaf?

Firm?

What have you guys been doing for the last 20 years?

Twenty years, oh my god.

You're not eating your chicken. When did you serve yourself? Two?

Five? Six minutes ago?

Come here. We've got a situation.

How many cans are you burning per chafer?

- What? - Cans. Hot cans. How many you got

- burning per chafing unit? - Are you talking about

- the sterno things? - Correct.

How many cans are you burning per chafing unit?

- I have no idea. - This is what I need, okay?

Minimum of two per casserole or three for a one-porsh.

- I have no idea what you're saying. - Please, please.

Right on captain. I'm gonna go do what you said.

We call him captain

here all of us do cause he's our boss and we really respect him.

Wait a minute.

Bluto?

Holy shit.

What're you catering this for unit?

Hardly recognized me, right? Yeah, I'm

I'm team leader, running the show.

Don, last I remember you were puking all over that...

Who wants to talk about the past, it's a reunion, right?

- And it's Ron by the way. - You're thinking of Donnie.

That's it you're buddy Donnie.

Donnie and Ron."Dron"

Oh my god, that guy right over there.

Hey enjoy you're meal everybody, Karen.

Thirty, thirty-one...

thirty-two, that's thirty-two today.

All right.

Did you listen to the dolphins yet?

- I haven't. - Come on, let's do it right now then.

- I don't think I can. - They're such smart animals.

Did you know that dolphins can change a babies diaper underwater?

- I don't thinks that's true at all. - And there's a mug I want you to see.

- A mug? - It's a stallion

and it's on it's back legs

and he's roaring and he says,

"follow your dreams to the max" amen.

Well I would love to do that with you Bobbi

but I promised Ron I wouldn't screw around today,

you know what, that's what your problem is.

You got those like kind eyes,

and you know what Henry, nice guys finish last.

But grab your destiny by the balls

and squeeze hard. I'll bet in you've never done that in your career,

I wouldn't even know where destiny's balls are.

When I auditioned for "cannonball run, two,"

You know what I did with the girl I was up against?

- I don't know if I wanna know. - I hit her with my car.

- You're car? - And I felt right.

A car? Wait, wasn't that Constance?

People, working professionally, like we talked about.

Yeah, no, I know, Ron.

This is where you tell Ron, to shove it up his big asshole.

Cause you got to go look at a mug.

Did you hear all this about Henry maybe moving home.

What?

Shit.

That's really gonna screw up our wedding season.

Bathroom, isn't it...

I thought I saw you dude.

Together again, bro.

- Dron! - Hey Donnie, how you doing?

Good to see ya.

Dude, what are you wearing?

Well, this is my job, yeah I gotta

bunch of people working underneath me I'm team leader.

Team leader? Holy shit man.

You? The big cheese? What are you gonna do?

- Can we eat these? - Yes, it's food.

So... how's it going for you Donnie?

Set up just like we talked about. Like we talked about?

Yeah, that time in the park?

We found that schnapps and got blitzed

and decided all you ever need is a roof and beer money?

Guess what, dude?

- You have a roof and beer money? - Parent's garage in Reseda

and a gig at an old folk's home where I barely have to do anything.

Dude...

this is your gig?

- Yes. - Awesome!

Let's turn this mother out, man!

Well I actually, don't that kind of thing anymore.

There you are. Ron, there's a disaster.

Melinda. Be right with you.

Casey, can you show this gentleman to the bathroom.

Casey I need you to do me a favor and watch this guy please.

- Why, who is that guy? - He was my best friend.

Take him to the back bar, tell him food's free drinks,

- just keep him away from me. - Why if he's your best friend

- do you want him out of your sight? - Old Ron, old Ron.

Things are going great for me up there, I don't want him screwing it up.

Thank you.

Mr. Laporte, enjoy the party.

- We'll rock the shit out later dude. - I don't know what that means.

- Melinda, please. - We'll rock the shit out later!

I need the slide show set up in ten minutes,

but I can't find the a/v stuff anywhere.

Melinda, I am one step ahead of you we have staff on it right now.

Oh thank god...

Chardonnay, pronto.

- Four ounces. - Yep. There you go.

Madame coordinator.

- That's quite a staff. - They weren't always.

But with benchmarks, clear-cut deliverables,

they're getting there. God, tell me about it.

I've got thirty people in my department, it's like herding cats.

Oh my goodness.

Okay.

- Wish me luck. - Like you need it.

- Good luck. - Stop it.

Hello, cougars!

"How we gonna do it?"

"Cougar-style."

Oh man.

Henry, this is Donnie, this is Ron's best friend from high school.

He would like a drink.

You'n Bluto, huh?

- He told you about that day? - Day?

I thought it was a nickname, 'cause he was fun...

Bluto was from senior fling.

It was classic.

Okay, we got this park for the whole class for the weekend,

right, and everyone's super-psyched,

okay super-psyched.

You know how belushi chugs a bottle of whiskey in "Animal House?"

So, Ron's like, "hey, I'm gonna chug a bottle of whiskey too",

and he gets halfway through and just spews

and gets alcohol poisoning and has to go to the hospital!

They cancelled the whole thing!

People were fuckin' pissed.

People were fuckin' pissed.

That's why they call him Bluto 'cause of that.

It was fuckin' amazing.

Tried it myself a few months back, but I don't think it can be done.

This guy lives with his parents in Reseda.

Their garage.

- I see. - Henry is thinking

about moving back home with his mommy and his daddy too.

Okay, stay tuned for "I remember rolf high."

Rave reviews, rave reviews.

- I thought I was going to faint. - You were perfect.

- I need a glass of something. - I have just what the doctor ordered.

I was a rodeo clown, but I got horned in the scrotum and that was that.

Yeah, I know the approximate feeling.

So then I was just, like, fuck it, I'm moving back home.

And how's that workin' out for you Donnie?

Weird at first, you know but,

I have roommates who're my parents.

They nag, but I got the garage.

The garage that does sounds pretty important.

Will you be enjoying garage access at your parent's house, Henry?

Yeah but living at home it's better than

just treading water.

You have a secure base to reconsider your next move.

Right?

- Next move? - Yeah, for...

your life.

This is my life.

Drooon!

- We gonna do this shit or what? - Donnie, when you were

rodeo clowning?

Did any of the other clowns maybe,

I don't know

- ask you to stay? - Ed,

my drinking buddy.

He was like, "dude, who am I gonna drink with?"

And what'd you tell Ed?

I'm broke and I got horned in the balls, I'm out.

Would you've stayed if ed said he had strong feelings about you staying,

but he kind of had a hard time expressing them?

He did say something like that, I was like

"dude."

Wipe that smile off your face

and that was stupid because he has a smile makeup

from the clown so that didn't make sense at all

- Can I talk to you in back a sec? - Yeah.

I said...

Yeah that's cool just ask me a question and walk away. That's all right.

That's the good stuff.

It's a personal gift from Dennis Quaid's manager's lawyer.

I did his kid's bar mitzvah.

What was Dennis Quaid like?

I don't know. But his manager's lawyer's kid is an asshole.

God, I feel relaxe for the first time in like weeks.

- No kidding. - Isn't this supposed to be fun?

Well that's the idea, right? But

hey, let's face it,

- we're the grownups now. - Scary!

God, twenty years.

We were so young.

I can't believe I used to be that person, you know?

I think what I was like. I was this ambitious

achiever who was...

to be a senator and change the world.

Yeah, right?

I mean who was that crazy kid with those dumb ideas?

I was going to collect more frogs than anybody else in the world.

Class president, class clown.

And yet now, we're not so different are we.

It's like a movie.

It's like, you go to your reunion and you're not...

labeled anymore.

You know As the grind or the...

- the dork - Guilty.

You know it's like, people are mature.

They see you for who you are and you connect with people

you can connect with people you never connected with before

and your whole life can change in one night.

Exactly! You know, that's

what I thought the ten year would be like.

I had this fantasy that...

Mark Defino would realize he was in love with me.

I mean, he didn't show, so...

god!

Well, you never know what might happen.

No, he was a "won't attend."

Well, but you never know what

might happen with someone else...

- ... could beat terminator, - He would eat the shit

- out of that machine. - What are you doing?

Working... sir. What are you guys doing?

I better get back.

Sure.

Idiots.

Okay, we're idiots.

I don't know Casey, I'm...

just drifting,

with nothing, and

a casual hook-up arrangement

is it's nice but it's not quite enough for me

to build a life around.

I mean...

if you... asked me to stay, I'd...

I might stay.

Okay, then stay.

The Zigger!

J. Jimmy.

- What's up? - What's going on?

- Mark Defino. - Correct.

You were listed as a "won't attend."

- Will you staying long? - I don't know.

Happened to be in town, I thought I'd swing by?

- Because they called and your house... - Ron, we've got a situation.

- I know... - The men's bathroom is...

- Mark? - Melinda Weintraub?

Mark was just thinking about leaving because his house is on fire.

Ron, can you check the men's room?

Because people are complaining the stall's blocked or something,

I have to do the "I remember" speeches in fifteen minutes so.

Yes, of course. I will get on that immediately, Roman!

The bathrooms need some attendance the men's room, so take care of it.

Well, you should take care of it then.

We're done here, boss.

I'll be right back. Please don't move.

So Mark,

what're you up to?

Running a venture marketing firm,

doing some heli-skiing.

- I need you to go to the men's room. - Not now, Ron.

What happen to respect?

If it isn't Ron...

- Can you move, buddy? - Too much shrimp and brew...

Why don't you come out of there buddy?

- Clean yourself up. Come outta there. - Buddy. I don't think you mean that.

Of course I do, of course, I do.

No, you're like,

"I'm team leader. Fuck Dron, fuck my high school buddy,

fuck my reunion memories, fuck it!"

- Fuck it! - That's not true. It's not true.

Listen...

Melinda Weintraub and I have a connection,

we made a connection tonight. We made a connection.

I knew it! I knew it!

Oh, that's g... God, see...

At first I was, like, "Why's Ron being such a douche"?

But then, I get it, Weintraub...

- She's okay, she's single... - Yes.

- She's mid-thirties... - Yes, she is.

Nice-looking but not hot, right? Insecure.

Oh, my God. That's fish in a barrel, dude.

Do it. Do it. ***. You ***.

Get up in that, get up in it...

Donnie, stop. Stop.

Listen...

Buddy.

Why don't you clean yourself up and get outta there, okay?

I promise to come out,

if you promise to nail Melinda Weintraub.

Okay, all right, I promise.

It'll be like a movie.

You could score one for the losers, all right?

You're not a loser, just clean yourself up, all right?

You got it, all right, okay.

Where's Melinda? We're five minutes away from the "I remember" speeches.

It's on the schedule.

They're starting their speeches, so they need you for the intros.

Mark, I'll...

Crazy night, huh?

The shit people get into after twenty years, huh.

It's pretty wild?

Did you see that guy don?

I did, yeah. That's... That's sad stuff.

Steve said he's waitering his own reunion.

He thinks people are going to be impressed by it,

it's hilarious, everyone's just laughing at him.

You mean Ron?

Shit, I thought it was that other guy, man I'm...

And finally,

Jena baron with her

"Memory of a legendary drill-team competition."

Jena, come on up!

All right, "Go Cougars", right.

So you're saying you hit Constance with a car?

- Damn! - But it was a small car.

And I gave her my copy of zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance,

which blew her mind.

It sucks that... Henry has to go home.

Live with his parents and shit, right?

That's actually not happening. He's gonna stay.

- I knew it. - All right.

Mission accomplished. I get to keep my ten bucks.

Hey, there. Pardon me.

Okay, got it.

Take a deep breath.

I knew if we didn't pull off the routine of our lives,

we didn't stand a chance of advancing to regional's.

But that afternoon, the girls brought it,

big time, and it was so...

Hey, classmates,

I gotta a high school memory for ya.

Some of you maybe remember me as Bluto,

thanks to the fact I tried and failed to chug bottle of booze

and I ruined senior fling.

Well guess what people? I got some news for you, I am a new man.

I am a success now!

I mean, you might've told me you were married before I fucked you.

Would you've fucked me if I told you I was married first?

Gotta split. Good seeing you, Melissa.

Jesus! Why do you always do this?

Here we are again.

Class president and the class clown.

Call 911, please!

Call an ambulance!

Call them now!

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