Original subtitles

Problem.

My beautiful wife wants me to have cocktails

- with an old classmate. - Why is that a problem?

Picture a 300-pound mullet peeing in an Alabama hot tub.

I'm gonna call her now.

You gotta help me get out of this.

What kind of marriage are you in

that you can't be honest with your wife?

A good one. A second one.

One in which I do not lie to my wife,

but with this woman I...

I am willing to exercise the nuclear option.

Yeah, babe, listen, cocktails sound great tonight.

I'm sorry, what's that, Marcus?

Got a client.

It seems that one of our clients has, um...

Well, been arrested!

For...

Assault!

We've gotta run down to the Courthouse, babe.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I spoke too soon.

All right, yeah, love you, too, bye.

That's pathetic.

Where you come from, you think you can lie

and buy your way out of any situation?

That's not all.

There's also threaten, blackmail, and seduce.

Well, that don't fly around here.

Marcus, I'm cleaning out my closet,

and I need you to come upstairs and hand me the boxes

of my old panties that I wore down to a thong.

Ruth, Marcus and I just got a call from a client

who's been arrested for assault.

We're gonna have to run down to the courthouse.

Aw, damn! Mama, I'm so sorry.

'Cause I really wanted to spend some mama/son time.

I'm sorry, Ma.

I'm proud of you, son.

I'll just get your daughter to help me.

You know, maybe we got a pretty good thing going, you and I.

- Maybe we do. - Yeah.

(Theme music plays )

Mama said she didn't raise no fool

One mind apart is never stronger than two

I'm about the life, about to come on strong

Come on come on, come on, come on

Whoa, yeah

One mind apart is never stronger than two

Whoa, yeah

Mama said she didn't raise no fool.

So we want to thank you guys for pointing out

we have a class-action lawsuit.

All in a day's work.

You are mixed-martial-arts fighters, athletes.

They certainly don't ask the men in your league

to parade around in such skimpy... deplorable outfits.

Where's the rest of it?

And now that we've learned our case is much bigger...

Thanks to our fine legal sleuthing.

We decided to go for a higher-profile firm.

One that specializes in class action.

Michelson-Lawford.

McLaw.

Those hacks from TV?

But their ads are so funny!

I have to advise you,

I think you're making a terrible mistake.

Sorry, fellas, you guys are a tad too...

Mom-and-pop.

Mom-and-pop?

We are so not.

Cookie time, boys! I made tiny cupcakes.

And there's plenty for everyone. And I brought you the beaters.

'Cause I know how you love to lick 'em.

Mom-and-pop.

Those girls didn't even know their case was class-action

till we told them.

We do all the hard work loosening the jar.

And, bam, McLaw just pops the lid.

It's mc-noying.

Who picks a law firm just because one of the partners

squats and literally lays a golden egg?

We should do a commercial.

Get ourselves a bigger presence.

We could hardly have a smaller one.

Guy standing on the corner with an arrow

doesn't exactly spell "global reach."

Hector works hard.

Yeah, half the time he's so drunk,

he's the one spinning.

So how are we gonna sell ourselves?

Braddock is the name brand here.

My family's always been the gold standard

of the legal profession.

In fact, my great-granddad is credited

with multiple legal innovations.

For instance, Jury Tampering used to be known

as "Jury Braddocking."

What about me? I got street cred.

Maybe that's our angle.

Well-bred meets street credits.

It's street cred.

Duly noted and discarded.

We need something with razzle-dazzle,

something to out-McLaw McLaw.

You know what? We should represent integrity.

We'll give them both.

First, we'll grab the audience's attention

by mocking lawyers like McLaw.

Then you can squeeze in your little integrity thing.

Just us, keeping it real.

We are one potent one-two punch, my brother!

Don't do that.

What the... Laura?

What the hell is all this?

Oh, hi, dad, we are setting up for your commercial shoot.

Marcus, you're just in time!

Then let me go back out,

because whatever this is, I want to be late for it.

This is showmanship, my friend. Don't you remember?

First we do the flash, and then we do...

- What was it you wanted to do? - My little integrity thing.

How are we gonna do that with you dressed like Mr. Monopoly?

You'll see.

Let the magic begin!

Braddock and Jackson. Take one.

I've always wanted to do that.

Losing half of everything

in your divorce?

If I survive this,

I'm calling Braddock and Jackson.

They're the best lawyers I ever saw.

Tell me again why you're the magician?

Because I own a tuxedo, I'm paying for this,

and you fit in the box.

Allen: And action!

I slipped in front of a very rich bank.

Now how could a woman of only 38 have broken a hip?

Who will help me?

Yippee-ki-ay!

I'll help. I'll help myself to your money.

Tired of two-bit bandit lawyers robbing you blind?

With Braddock and Jackson,

you'll have the good guys on your side.

Hands up, Varmint!

I'm no match for the big guns of Braddock and Jackson.

I give up.

Braddock and Jackson, "Immigration sucks," take one.

Allen: Action!

(Imitating sobbing)

(Russian accent) Oh, no!

Immigration paper have expired.

But I love this land of U.S. and A.

What else can I do?

I know someone you can call.

Spending all your green on a green card?

Let Braddock and Jackson light your way.

Was that supposed to happen?

Just say your line!

Es blamos Espa?os.

Okay, somebody get a fire extinguisher.

Finally, well-bred meets street credits.

Es blamos Espa?os!

Now, you have seen the inspired footage.

Now what I need from you if you honest feedback.

Yeah. (Chuckles) Tell him what you think.

Well, I'll say it.

Laura, you put too much salt on this popcorn.

May we please focus on the subject at hand?

That's a minute of my life I'll never get back.

I think I've died a little inside,

and I think if that ever goes on the air,

you're never driving me to school again.

Anyone else?

I thought I was really well-cast.

Grandma, you look really good on camera.

Well, they say the camera adds ten pounds,

but I didn't see it on me.

People, may we please stop with this self-obsession?

Now...

What about my performance?

Allen, are you sure that commercial

is the image you want for this firm?

Thank you!

What do you mean?

You were a little off-putting in places.

But some of it was... a little less off-putting.

Yeah, Allen, you kind of come off like a politician.

And who doesn't love a politician?

Oh, you know who would have made a better you?

What was I thinking?

Bunch of amateurs. You know what?

I'm gonna take this to a focus group of real people

to get some opinions that actually mean something.

I really did look good, didn't I?

This is the same company my father uses

to test his big cases.

These people are here to give us their honest opinion

in exchange for nothing more than some Trail Mix

and a gift card to TJ Maxx.

So what are some initial thoughts?

There was something about that Braddock guys eyes.

They're shifty.

Maybe more beady than shifty.

I'm talking more about what's below the surface,

his character.

Oh, that's easy. Insincere, wooden.

I'd say arrogant.

Definitely condescending.

Yeah, I wanna remember this forever.

Okay, so apart from "fingers too stubby,"

and "jaw too clenchy," the ones that seem to be

on everyone's list are "unlikeable,"

"arrogant," and "smarmy."

What they call arrogant, I call forthright and confident.

And we Braddocks are famous for our jaw lines.

We get them from grandmother.

They nicknamed her "The Nutcracker."

Of course, it had nothing to do with her jaw.

Don't throw your grandmother under the bus

just because they don't like you.

Oh, these people wouldn't like anyone.

Here' I'll prove it to you.

What about the goofy-looking black guy speaking Spanish?

I liked him.

He was funny.

The whole commercial should have been that black dude.

If they met me in the flesh, they'd see they're wrong.

Oh, yeah.

That's a real good idea.

Mr. Braddock, I don't think this is a good idea.

Mindy, Mindy, I'm just trying to understand the disconnect.

You've got a runaway focus group,

and I am here to fill the leadership void.

Now, as you can all see, I am a regular Joseph Lunchpail,

just like you are.

That's it, Allen. Turn on that Braddock charm.

Do you people have any idea who I am

or the fine legal heritage from which I descend?

We all know who your father is.

He heads up a big-time law firm, and look at you.

"Black sheep" ring a bell?

Oh, you don't know anything about me.

I am God damned delightful!

There you are.

We got closing arguments in ten minutes.

I took the liberty of throwing our ad

up on YouTube last night.

No.

And basically YouTube threw up on me.

Man, you can't pay no attention to this.

You're a Braddock, right?

I am.

Braddocks bend. We don't break.

Are you Allen Braddock?

Why, yes, I am.

You are hereby officially served.

It's a cease-and-desist letter from my father.

"If you insist on advertising using the Braddock pedigree,

thereby sullying the value and reputation of said name,

we will pursue all available legal action.

Sincerely, Allen J. Braddock."

Braddocks don't break, right?

Apparently I'm no longer a Braddock.

Mr. Braddock?

Mr. Braddock!

Allen.

Closing arguments. You're up.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

the one question we have to ask ourselves is...

What's the point?

Maybe he's guilty.

Maybe he's not.

What difference does it make?

I object.

You can't object to your own partner's argument.

Then I object.

What are you doing? Where the hell are you going?!

Where are any of us going, Marcus?

Once you cut the umbilical cord...

You're just floating in space till you cease to exist.

Or cease and desist.

Hey! Hey! You walk out on me, I'll kill you!

Order!

Uh, he meant that as a figure of speech.

No, I didn't!

I'll kill him like I killed that other guy!

Your Honor, we wanna change our plea.

Bailiff! Clear them!

Oh, that's a big boy here!

I can't believe Allen walked out on me like that.

It's sad.

I just left him another message.

Check out his new greeting.

You've reached the voice-mail of the person

formerly known as Allen Braddock.

Leave a message at the tone.

(Voice breaks) Or don't. It really doesn't matter.

Not that I care, but is Allen here?

He texted last night saying he was working late,

but he never came home, not that I care.

If Lizzie's worried, this isn't good.

Allen doesn't strike me as someone who'd fare well

on the mean streets of Chicago.

Fine.

Let me check my friend finder.

You have your stepdad on friend finder?

Normally I use it to avoid him.

Oh, hey, according to this, he's right around the corner.

He's at the bar at 10:00 AM?

Oh, this really isn't good. I'll be back.

Mike?

Drinks for everybody!

Allen, what are you doing here?

It's 10:00 in the morning.

Oh, in that case,

put an egg in that sucker.

Hector, I pay you to spin that sign.

I don't pay you to drink.

You pay me to spin the sign.

Mr. Allen pay me to drink.

Marcus, let me show you what Hector taught me here.

Oh, sorry. No, no, no.

(Speaks Spanish)

Come over here. You go down.

Watch this.

I'll pay for that, too, Mike!

My name is not Mike.

My name is not Braddock!

Lizzie said you didn't come home last night.

I slept in Hector's van.

I've always had the safety net of that Braddock name.

Without it, I... I got nothing.

I am nothing.

I'm just a two-bit storefront lawyer

from the south side of Chicago.

Grow the hell up.

I love what I do.

If you don't love what you do, then you know what?

Crawl back to your daddy and beg.

Marcus, Marcus, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to insult you

and everything that you've built.

I haven't built anything.

The nanny used to put together my Lincoln Logs.

Pull it together, man.

All this crying is making your products run.

Damn it, you're a good lawyer!

Focus group didn't think so.

They were just mean.

Mean focus group.

Man, I've never seen Allen like that before.

Well, where is he now?

Face-down in Hector's van.

Well, he's not going anywhere 'cause that van's up on blocks.

Maybe we were all too hard on Allen about that commercial.

It's not just the commercial.

His father's letter really messed him up.

What's his dad like?

Think Lord Voldemort.

Just less cuddly.

It sounds like he just needs to get his confidence back.

He feels worthless.

And we have to convince him that he's not.

How do we do that?

We'll tell him everything we like about him.

Okay, good. Like what?

Anything that pops in your head.

For real?

The man's worked here six months.

You think it's so easy? You start.

I got this.

You know, after spending a day with Allen,

I really appreciate my alone time.

Really? That's all you've got?

Hey, I came up with something. Lizzie's next.

Well, um...

Allen's got really good credit rating.

There you go. He's dependable.

With Allen, I don't worry about being judged.

I know I'm being judged.

Ooh, Allen really loves my cooking.

But then, who doesn't?

Ooh! I got one.

If someone can make Allen money, he has a way of making them feel

like he really cares about that person.

No, if that's all y'all have,

Allen's gonna have a hell of a funeral.

What's being likable got to do with being a good lawyer anyway?

You're right, Lizzie! Hey, you know what?

I'm gonna call that woman from the focus group.

I think she was asking all the wrong questions.

Oh, you know what else is great about Allen?

Oh, no, that was my last stepdad.

What the hell are we doing back here?

You must really enjoy seeing me suffer.

Oh, I do, but you know,

out of all the questions that they asked,

they never asked the most important one.

What is that?

Step over and watch the magic.

I have some further questions about Allen Braddock.

Oh, God, we talked about this!

He's a jerk wad!

He's an ass hat.

But would you hire that ass hat to be your lawyer?

Man: In a second.

I'd rather have him on my side than against me.

Yeah, I mean, who wants a nice guy as your lawyer?

But last time you compared him unfavorably to his father.

He's most definitely not his dad.

But this guy seems like he'd do anything.

Clearly, he's desperate to win.

That's who I want representing me.

But you said he was unlikable.

All good lawyers are bastards,

but I could probably afford this one.

Did you hear that?

Yeah!

I'm a cheap bastard!

But I'm the people's cheap bastard!

I'm Allen Braddock, and I endorse this message!

I'm Marcus Jackson,

and I endorse you going home and taking a shower.

Well, this is fascinating.

So the same traits that make me a bad person

make me a great lawyer.

That's what the people are saying, my broth...

- Say that again? - Nothing.

You were about to call me brother.

But I didn't.

Come on, admit it.

I'm not completely unlikable.

In fact, someone liked me enough

to get all those people back together again

just 'cause his friend was suffering

and he wanted to help.

Don't make too much of it.

I just did what was good for the partnership.

Come on. You care about me.

Soul brother hug. Come on, bring it in.

Bring it in. That's it! All right!

Come on! Oh, yeah!

All right, all right.

Don't do that.

Hi, I'm Marcus Jackson.

It's tough to find honest legal representation.

At Braddock and Jackson, well-bred meets street cred.

Braddock and Jackson. Represent.

Hablamos Espa?ol.

- Synced and Corrected by peterbrito - - www.addic7ed.com -

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0