Original subtitles

You know, I bet these last few months

are the most time you've ever spent with someone black, huh?

Not at all. When I was growing up, my best friend was black.

White people kill me with that, man.

Just because your parents let you play with the housekeeper's kid

doesn't mean you had a black friend.

I'll have you know Chip was my constant companion

and a very special part of our family.

Chip was a dog, wasn't he?

A black lab.

Oh, sorry. African-American lab.

And you're about to get knocked on your white...

I'm sorry, caucasian ass.

(Theme music plays) mama said she didn't raise no fool

one mind apart is never stronger than two

I'm about the life, about to come on strong

come on come on, come on, come on

whoa, yeah

one mind apart is never stronger than two

whoa, yeah

mama said she didn't raise no fool.

Michael, how you doing?

What died?

They're from the gwedding of two friends I went to this weekend.

"Gwedding"?

- A gay wedding. - Oh, boy.

Sounds quite festive, though.

It was horrible.

What, you didn't catch the bouquet again?

No. That longshoreman did.

Damn you, Rachel.

But even worse, the wedding planner they paid a lot of money to

totally ripped them off.

She didn't deliver anything she promised.

That's just wrong.

Do you mind if I ask them over here

to talk to you guys and see if they have any recourse?

Good. I already did.

Okay, okay. Let me stop you both right there.

The most we can hope for is a refund.

Now I have a policy when it comes

to helping people for no profit.

If you need anything, just ask.

But also, don't ever need anything.

Allen, you're exactly the kind of lawyer

that can make a difference in something like this...

Aggressive, manipulative, pretentious.

Oh, that's sweet, but this is a no-win case.

Hence, we don't get involved.

Oh, we're getting involved

just because you said "hence."

No, you get out of the way!

I can't tweet and know when the light turns green.

Hello? I'm pretty, not magical.

Someone call Satan and let him know

there's a hole in his fence.

Lizzie, why are you wearing so much makeup?

Looks like you're on your way to kill Batman.

Oh, my God, that is so not funny.

Okay, I need money to go the mall.

The mall is off-limits.

You will stay here and do some reading.

Besides, nothing's more attractive than a woman who reads.

How about a model?

Hard to argue with that.

Marcus?

Honey, I need you to pull down a case of my cooking Sherry.

- What you cooking, mama? - Nothing.

The girls are coming over to play cards

and you know they'd drink gasoline if you put a lime in it.

Is she okay? She seems really old.

I swear, every time this girl is here,

she has less and less manners.

She was like this when I got her.

I keep saying, give me one day

and I can make a proper young lady out of... this.

In fact, why don't we start right now?

See that?

I was able to refuse her needs

and pawn her off onto another caretaker.

I'm going to be a better parent than I even thought.

We're just schoolteachers. We don't make a lot.

We saved over a year for this,

and the wedding was an embarrassment.

So who is this wedding planner, this Biffy Saint Murray?

Anyone who is anyone who knows anyone

who knows anyone who is anyone

knows that Biffy Saint "Mur-rae"

is the wedding planner to the A-list of the gay list.

So of course we expected top-notch.

It was... tacky.

The wine was a "one-buck Chuck,"

and the chicken was "organ-ick."

It tasted like bad airline food.

Look, I'd say if this is all true

that we fight for your money back.

But the thing is, we can't actually prove that she cheated us.

When we confronted her about it,

she wouldn't even discuss it.

Then she stopped returning our calls.

Now I appreciate your dilemma, gentlemen, but with all due respect,

I think you're making a "Brokeback Mountain" out of a molehill.

This woman is misrepresenting herself.

She sees the growing trend of same-sex marriage

and she is taking financial advantage

of a subculture who often have large

disposable incomes and who...

Have been disenfranchised long enough!

I say you're here, you're queer, let's sue for it!

Well, thank you, "Harvey Sour Milk."

Do you think they can win?

Win? I once prosecuted a school crossing guard for human trafficking.

Of course we can win.

We will prove this woman is a scoundrel of the highest order

and then retrieve your "gunney."

All: Oh. "Gay money."

- Let's do this. - Okay, then!

Gentlemen, let me see you out.

Allen: We'll be in touch.

All we have to do is pose as a couple,

stage a fake consultation with this woman,

then prove she's ripping people off.

Exactly when did you start waving the rainbow flag?

I have always been on the right side of... okay, a minute ago.

Think of it.

Same sex couples are marrying.

And where there's marriage, there's also...

- Marcus: Betrayal. - Michael: Romance.

Divorce!

Heartbreaking, oh, so lucrative divorce!

If we win this, we can become the go-to firm

for a whole new generation of gay divorces!

Or as I like to say, "guh-vorces."

As I like to say, you're a gas hole.

Do you hate that there's nothing stylish for women your age?

Do you hate having to live with your son?

Do you hate not having a maid?

Child, you are one question away

from being buried in a garden.

We should go to the mall.

You can drop me off, shop wherever they sell old things,

and then meet later where no one can see us.

You know what your problem is?

Just so you know, if I fall asleep while you're talking,

it means I like you.

You better check your attitude.

The girls are coming over here to play cards today,

and if you think I'm tough, they are old-school tough.

And when I say old-school,

I mean back when you could slap kids

with both sides of your hand.

- Ooh! - Wow!

Are you dealing more than cards?

That's a lot of mall money.

Well, this is what I start with.

Lately I've been on a losing streak.

You know, I could show you some tricks

that may help change your luck.

No thanks.

Fine. Whatever you say.

Okay, show me that.

I think we can make a deal.

You just have to pass as a couple

by doing the one thing you never can do...

Agree on everything.

They'd never believe I'd be with him.

'Cause I'm white?

No, because you're you.

I wouldn't be with a black you, either.

I think the only real hurdle to posing as a gay couple

is that no one would ever believe I'm not heterosexual.

Between the two of you, Allen is much more buffed and polished.

So what you saying?

I'm not good-looking enough to be gay?

Michael, we're on a desert island.

Which one of us would you chose?

Are there any animals on the island?

So, I took the liberty of doing some spying on Biffy Saint Murray.

What kind of spying?

Well, first I looked into some of her former clients

using a highly technological investigative tool.

Okay, it was Google.

And were they willing to talk to you?

Please. Allen, there's something you need to know about me.

I have the ability to coerce any man

regardless of his sexuality.

Just last week I ate a hot dog at a food court

and four gay men gave me a standing ovation.

What did you find out?

Well, if you just suppress your gag reflex,

you can get so much in there.

No!

About Biffy.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Biffy.

So a lot of couples have had this problem with her before,

but they've just been too intimidated to complain

or they've been threatened with a countersuit.

So this isn't the first time she's done this.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Biffy has had ongoing problems with the IRS.

So that's why she's been ripping people off.

Yeah, so all you have to do

is go there and get the evidence that proves it.

When you sit down with her,

the only thing straight better be your story.

Make sure that you agree on what kind of wedding you want.

Nothing fancy.

You know, I was thinking of more of an ebony/ivory vibe.

More ebony.

Nothing fancy? You're the only man I'm ever going to marry.

This is going to have to be special.

We need to be saving for a house.

That's your problem. You're too practical.

We are creating a memory here.

A bad memory!

From all this complaining, we know who the bride is.

Oh, you're the one who wears the makeup.

It's called product!

It's called "things you carry in a purse."

Would you listen to yourself?

The way you talk to me,

it's like you're living in a vacuum

and I'm out here all alone!

This is our most popular arrangement.

Its simplicity is so breathtaking.

It's called "simply breathtaking."

They're gorgeous, aren't they?

Aren't they what?

Aren't they, dear?

Are these the flowers we can expect?

Yes, we'd like to know exactly what we're going to get.

What you're going to get are arrangements by Biffy Saint Murray.

Yes, yes. Well, that's why we decided to have a civil ceremony

so we can spend all of our money on this first-class reception.

We want to have everything in writing.

That won't be a problem, will it?

Try this cake.

It's so pure it's called... "Simply cake."

Marcus loves cake.

That's why I call him "little Debbie."

No, you don't.

Let's talk about you. That's where I get my inspiration.

What created this union. How did you two meet?

Well, actually, it's a funny story.

- You tell it. - You tell it so well.

Yeah, when you let me talk.

Talk now.

I'm sorry. I don't think I can tell it without crying.

Fine. I'll tell it.

He was a barista at a Greyhound Station.

He had lost his job

and he was trying to ship himself home in a box

and wanted me to poke holes in the box.

That's when I discovered that he was wearing

a little shorty robe and two left shoes.

(Muttering)

Question. What about the menu?

No. It's not a "men-you."

It's a "men-us."

Please.

(Muttering)

Imagine, you sit down to beautifully plated locally-sourced beef...

Not slaughtered, but gently coaxed into suicide.

Then served with the finest French wine

imported from chateau jejune jejune jejune.

Then after your first dance, what's that sound?

It's the fluttering wings of 50 rare white Peruvian doves

that seem to be cooing your names

as they ascend to the heavens.

My God. It's as if you know me.

Now for the programs.

Which name will come first?

- Jackson. - Braddock.

- Braddock. - Jackson.

That was so exhilarating.

You know, I thought I would feel guilty, but I didn't.

Yeah, winning helps with that.

The looks on their faces!

Okay, so let's go to the mall now.

- Sure. - No, you said we could.

Wait. Really?

We made a deal, did we not?

Yeah, but people don't usually follow through.

Well, I do.

Besides, I'm kind of enjoying your company.

Oh. Um, okay.

I'll show you how to spend the winnings on new clothes.

Well, we're going to the mall,

but first let's stop at the church

and make a donation.

There's so many words in there I don't understand.

You see, honey, when you get,

it's a good idea to give back...

Just to be on the safe side.

Fine, but then we're going to the mall.

Oh, and I can show you how I ignore those two cute guys that totally like me.

Ooh! You know,

I've always fancied the idea of having two men.

Ruth! Really?

Sure. One to cook and one to clean.

All we had to do was catch Biffy in a lie,

but thanks to him she kept catching us in them.

Thanks to you we have to have a fake wedding dinner

for a fake marriage just to trip this woman up.

It's your fault she almost didn't believe we were a couple.

You told her I was taking your last name!

Because if I took your name I would be denying my lineage.

I'll have you know my ancestors came here on the mayflower.

And my ancestors also came here on a boat.

FYI, I am live-tweeting this entire conversation.

We were just going to help some nice guys

that were taken advantage of.

Why doesn't it feel like we're already in this relationship too long?

If we can't even plan a wedding.

How are we going to make it as partners?

Fine! I hope you represent yourself in our breakup

just like you wanted to with your ex-wife!

That way I'll get everything!

Are you laughing at me

while you denigrate the sanctity of my nuptials

by wearing that casual "Brooks Stepbrothers" leisure suit?

Hey, man, I wore this when I got married.

This is my lucky wedding suit.

At least it was.

Veronica, what are you doing here?

I'm disguised as a wedding guest.

Pretend you know me.

But I do know you.

Ah! Very convincing.

I found out the wedding planner has covert deals

with a funeral home and other businesses.

Something is clearly going on.

Right this way. Big smiles.

We're happy. We're loving this.

Brave choice.

Who are all these people?

You needed guests. I got guests.

That group's from AA. That's my barber.

That's Darla from the DMV.

And the rest are craigslist actors,

waiters, and some high-end homeless.

Biffy! I'd like you to meet Veronica.

- She is my... - Cousin!

From L.A. I love sea salt and iced macchiatos

and I own 11 miles of scarves.

My husband's an investment banker.

You are fabulous!

This is fabulous!

I can't move my forehead. Seriously, ciao.

Isn't everything beautiful?

Oh, thank you.

And now the couple has asked to recite their vows.

Allen wants to go first.

Very well.

- (Thumps) - Oh...!

Marcus...

"You had me at hello."

"I just can't quit you."

Your witness.

"You are the last person I expected to meet.

And when two people commit to a future,

they need patience, compromise,

(sobbing) and... "

I'm sorry.

If you'll excuse us just a moment.

Uh, please enjoy the first course...

Tomato Aspic and Coconut Shrimp.

Two shrimp per person, please!

Did you just leave me at the altar?

These were my vows.

Renee went into labor with Laura on our wedding day.

It was the best day of my life, man,

but I never got a chance to read these.

And you've kept them all this time...

In that suit.

Not dry-cleaned for 22 years.

And now I wasted them on you.

Hey, this isn't how I thought I'd spend my next wedding either.

In a closet marrying a man?

This would kill my mother.

We should tell her.

We're making a mockery of a right these people struggled for,

a right some of them still don't have.

We are here because you wanted to help them.

- That's what matters. - (Fluttering)

Dead bird.

My God.

My God this...

This dove sacrificed its life

just to make our wedding special.

Wait a minute.

That ain't no damn dove.

That's a pigeon trying to pass!

It's been spray-painted white.

Isn't that politically incorrect?

(Fluttering)

Hang on a minute.

Oh.

Allen: They are siphoning

the alcoholic equivalent of grape urine

into empty bottles of 2006 Pur de Neuf!

Check that out.

No wonder Adam and Steve said it tasted like airline food.

They're now re-purposing funeral arrangements.

Look. That's where they're painting the bird.

Well, aren't you two nosy nannies?

Actually, we're nosy lawyers.

And you're about to face charges

of fraudulent misrepresentation.

- You have no proof. - (Fluttering)

Other than that.

Maybe we could make a deal.

Your brand is finished.

There are two things that gay men simply will not tolerate...

Having their name misspelled on a latte and deception!

I thought he was going to say breasts.

Well, I'm going to go upstairs and try on my new stuff.

And, Lizzie, I had fun today.

Yeah, you kind of rock, Ruth.

Maybe I was wrong about people your age.

You know, you try to act like you don't care

about what other people think,

so you won't have to live up to their expectations,

especially Allen. But you do care.

Whatever.

Honey, just give him some time.

And don't underestimate yourself.

And don't underestimate Allen.

Yes, ma'am.

"Yes, ma'am"? Look at that.

It was a good day!

Not only did we get you a refund,

but Biffy is facing six months behind bars.

In an all-women's prison.

Never in a billion years or Cher's lifetime

did we ever think we'd win this.

We can't thank you both enough for helping us out.

Congratulations.

Take care.

I'm glad we could help those guys out.

Yeah. Have to admit, it feels pretty good.

My God, is that what charity tastes like?

Hmm. The aftertaste is brutal.

Well, get used to it, partner.

And I suppose as partners

there will be cases you'll want to take that I won't

and I'll have to acquiesce.

And I'm sure there are going to be cases

that you want to take that I won't,

and that'll be just too damn bad for you.

You know, that reminds me of some of the arrangements

I recently made with my wife.

She wanted a cat, I didn't,

so we compromised in got a cat.

And now that's a partnership.

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