All language subtitles for Outsourced s01e08 Home for the Diwalidays.eng

Oh. Ho-ho-ho wow.

Oh, man.
Look at you.

[laughs]
Why are you all dressed up?

I'm dressed up
for Diwali, man.

Oh, yeah, right.

You don't know
what Diwali is, do you?

Todd, come on.

It's the biggest holiday
in India, man.

I know what it is.

I just think it's become

A little commercialized,
you know?

It shouldn't be
about buying stuff.

It should be about celebrating
the birth

Of the baby Diwali.

There is no baby Diwali,
is there?

Uh, laughing cow?
Crouching tiger?

- Flying monkey.
- Okay.

There does happen
to be a flying monkey.

But I feel like that guess
came from a bad place.

So what is Diwali?

It's the holiest day
of the year.

- It's a huge celebration.
- Huh.

Yeah.

Madam, do I look
like a tourist?

Do I have a fanny pack?

No. So don't try to rip me off
with your prices,

You sewage goblin.

Oh, Rajiv,
is everything okay?

Good morning, sir.

I am in the process
of buying my Vimi

A new sari for Diwali.

- That's beautiful.
- What?

This, uh, dish rag?
This cage liner?

If the silk worm who gave
his life for this sari

Could see what you've done
with it,

He'd spin a tiny noose
and hang himself.

5,000 rupees
is my final offer.

Ooh, big spender.

Make it 6,000
and I will throw in

Some extra fabric for you
to stuff your pants with,

You eunuch.

Madam, as anyone who has seen
me in clingy trunks can atst,

I am no eunuch.

This negotiation is over.

I thought you were gonna get
the sari.

Shh. Wait for the mouse
to find the cheese.

If they do not wish you dead
after the transaction,

You've left money
at the table.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I will accept your price.

Even if it means my family
will go without food.

I love the holidays.

[traditional Indian music]

-- Sync by Rafael UPD --
www.addic7ed.com/

Okay, thank you very much.
Good-bye.

Wow.
You guys look amazing.

Oh, thank you, Todd.

This is a compliment machine.

This morning, I struck up
a conversation

With a woman on the bus

And she told me
I was "driving her insane. "

[laughs]
Hot.

Happy Diwali, sir.
I made you some barfi.

Oh, so there's barfi
in that box?

Yes. And it's still warm.

Oh. It's, like,
a cake thing. Wow.

Oh, Madhuri, I'm sorry.
I didn't get you anything.

I- I-I had no idea
what Diwali involves

I mean, everyone's dressed up.
And there's gifts.

Oh-oh, my god.

Higher! Higher!

Whoa, whoa, Rajiv,
stop that.

Guys, guys, take that down.

Rajiv, what is wrong
with you?

This is unbelievably
offensive.

Sir, this is an ancient
hindu symbol meant

To bring good luck.

Really? 'cause historically,
I don't think it works.

"swastika" is a sanskrit word.
The nazis stole it from us.

Okay. Well, fine.

I just don't want it
above my desk.

Can't we just have, like,
a four-leaf clover

Or something like that?

Certainly, sir.

Perhaps you should jot down
a list of things

From our ancient culture
that make you uncomfortable

So we can change them
instantly.

Ajeet, your name
is now Tyler.

No, I don't want
to change anything.

I just don't understand
this holiday.

Nice shirt, Tyler.

Guys, guys, could somebody
tell me what Diwali

Is really all about?

It's about the triumph
of good over evil.

And the beginning
of the new year.

And it marks the end
of the harvest.

And it commemorates
lord Rama's glorious return

After 14 years of exile

And his defeat
of the demon king Ravana.

- Wow!
- Ravana.

So it's, like, a combination
of Christmas,

New year's, fourth of July,
and Star Wars.

[imitates lightsabers clashing]

Just think of it
like Christmas.

It's where families
get together.

They exchange gifts.

That is why I bought
my precious Vimi

This spectacular garment.

Compare it
to the clown costumes

Some of the people
around here wear.

- Uh-oh.
- This is my finest sari.

I saved up to buy it.

Too bad you couldn't save up
to buy some good taste.

Vimi has been my nose
to buy her a new sari.

She's gonna be so pleased
with me this afternoon.

Whoa whoa.
This afternoon?

- What, are you leaving early?
- We all are.

It's Diwali, Todd.

Oh, I got to clear this
with corporate

Before I can give you guys
a half day off.

[chuckles] Half day off.
But Diwali is five days.

I thought we had
the rest of the week off.

It's only Wednesday.

I can't just shut down
the company.

Todd, please,
I have to catch a train.

I'm supposed to go
to Sunil's home tonight

to meet his family
for the very first time.

It's a really big deal.

I'm sorry, Asha.

Look, guys, guys,
I feel really bad, you know.

I can't just give everybody
all this time off.

Can't we just be happy
that the demon king is dead?

Even the demon king gives his
workers the holidays off.

- What?
- Oh, nothing.

Just saying that you're worse
than the demon king.

Hey, Charlie,
are you letting your workers

leave early today
for Diwali?

You have to, man.
This is huge for them.

I love this time of year.

Booze, fireworks, no laws
against how you like to party.

It's like spring break
before MTV got a hold of it.

Check out this little
game-changer.

Whoa.
[fires three times]

Happy Diwali, everybody!
[laughs]

- Are you crazy?
- Relax.

- I'm pretty sure they're blanks.
- Pretty sure?

Well, the box
is in russian.

Hey, Todd.

Good news, man.

Asha's having a fight
with Sunil.

When she said she couldn't
make it to his family house

for dinner because you're being
a slave driver

...her words, not mine,
although I agree-my words-

Sunil told her to quit
her job.

Well, what did she say?
Wait, wait, no.

I don't want to know.
That ship has sailed.

I'm just gonna focus
on work.

You know, I came to India
to sell Americans novelties

Made in china
and that's what I'm gonna do.

That's the right idea, man.

My relationship with Tonya
has been a real distraction too.

Didn't realize you had
a relationship to Tonya.

Sure, I do.

Follow her to the market,
the gym, the movies.

We do all the things
couples do,

Just not together.

Here she comes.

You know what,
she likes to sit outside.

I'm gonna get the table
next to her.

My scent is in the area.

Let the pheromones
do the talking.

Oh, here he is.
The Diwali virgin.

Ah, well, I'm only a virgin

Because I want my Diwali
honeymoon to be special.

It's always nice to have
your deep spiritual beliefs

Used as foreplay.

Hey, some friends mine
are having a bit

Of a piss-up later on.

Do you fancy some beers?

Ah, well, I got to work
tonight.

Otherwise I'd love
to come to your piss-up.

You're working on Diwali?

All righty.

But if you change your mind,

You can give me a call

Because you have no idea
what you are missing out on.

[fires three times]

Happy Diwali, everyone!

Your candy cane condoms
are on their way.

I'm required by law
to tell you...

Only decorative...
STD's... Blah blah blah.

You probably don't have to work
on Christmas, do you?

Of course not.

I get a whole week off
for Christmas.

[firecrackers exploding]

You are a lucky man.

Not only do you need condoms,

You actually have time off
to enjoy them.

- [firecrackers exploding]
- What's that?

That noise...

That's happiness
outside of my window.

[cell phone ringtone sounds]

- Hello.
- Hey, Jerry, it's Todd.

Uh, uh, not a good time.

I'm undergoing
a little marital tune-up.

Do you see this?

This is exactly
what I'm talking about.

Yeah, well, look, I'm having
a little problem here.

It's Diwali.

Just fire his ass.

No, it's not a worker.

It's a big holiday here
for these guys.

It's like making people work
on Christmas eve.

- Okay.
- Look at him.

He spends all his time
on the phone.

Doesn't even look at me
anymore.

He'd have sex with that phone
if he could.

Don't think I haven't tried,
Nancy.

Todd, americans don't stop
buying novelties

Just because it's a holiday
in India.

Tell your crew
they got to work.

Yeah, but, Jerry,
I don't think you understand.

No, Todd. Your workers made
a commitment to this job.

And when you make a commitment,
you honor it.

Even if you have
a different opinion

of how a massage should end.

She was an undercover cop.

You made the papers.

All right, you know what,

Uh, I'm gonna make
an executive decision here.

You've decided
to cancel the sunrise?

I'm gonna handle the calls
myself, all right?

Everyone can go.
Happy Diwali to all.

- Yes!
- Yeah!

- Whoo!
- Go go go go go!

Are you sure you can handle
this by yourself?

I'll be fine.

Happy Diwali.

Thank you, Todd.

Vimi will be so happy!

Ah! Ah!

Ah! No! Vimi's sari!

Ah! Ah!

No, no, no, no, no.
It can't be closed.

Madhuri, my favorite
employee.

Happy Diwali.

It is for the child
I just saved.

His shirt was ignited
by a firecracker

And I smothered the flames
with Vimi's sari.

A true Diwali miracle.

And now all the shops are closed
and, sadly,

Vimi cannot wear my courage.

If I give you my sari,
what am I going to wear home?

I will get you
a novelty t-shirt of your choice

From storage.

I bet you'd look lovely

In the "I'm with hottie shirt. "

You see, the arrow points
at you... Hottie.

Under the circumstances,

It would be an honor
to give you my sari...

Thank you.

For the mere price
of 10,000 rupees.

What? Are you out
of your mind,

You small-voiced rodent?

I regret to inform you,

The price is now 11,000.

Madhuri, you... You...

I can see this negotiation
is over.

I'm going to go and get a chai
and then catch my bus.

Come on, mousie.
Come to the cheese.

[phone rings]

Thank you for calling
Mid America Novelties.

How can I help you?

[phone rings]

Thank you for calling.
Do you mind holding?

Now what do I have to say
to get you

Into the world's largest
granny panties?

[phone rings]
Hey, sorry for making you hold.

What can I help you with?
[phone rings]

I'm sorry,
but the Yodeling Pickle's

On back order.

[phone rings]
No. No. No.

The poo-shaped soap
is lavender scented.

All right, look, buddy,

You can keep say "Agent,"
but you're still gonna get me.

Lavender.
Your card's also been declined.

Look,
it's none of my business,

But maybe you don't need
this stuff.

Thank you for your order.

Your item will be there
in five to seven business days.

Hey, where am I calling,
anyway?

Actually, we're in India.

Well, I got to say,

Your american accent
is right on the money.

[mock Indian accent]
You are too kind, sir.

I am most happy
to be pleasing you.

[normal voice] Hey hey.
What are you doing here?

I thought I'd come by and see
if I could change your mind.

No, I got to stay here.

I sent everybody home.

I've been taking
all the calls myself.

[phone rings]

Why don't you just put
the call center on voice mail?

I wish I could,
but my boss-

Is thousands of miles away.

Todd, you're in India and this
is the biggest holiday

Of the year.

[phone rings]

Fine. 11,000 rupees.
Now give me your sari.

[sniffs] Am I getting
a whiff of 12,000?

- How dare you.
- The sari is now 13,000.

Oh, I get it, every time
I do not meet your offer,

You go up 1,000 rupees.

The next thing you know,
I'm offering 20,000.

- Sold.
- Ooh! 19,000?

- 21,000.
- Okay. Okay. 21,000.

Just so you know,
I would've paid 25,000 for it.

Just so you know,
I got it for 3,000.

This is amazing!

Aren't you glad
I got you out of the office?

I got to be honest,

This is the best time
I've had

Since I've been in India.

Well, maybe you've just had
the wrong person

Showing you around.

Ha.
[fireworks exploding]

Ah, ah, ah.
No, no, no.

Oh, sorry, sorry.

Have you got a franger?

More like a half franger,
but I'm getting there.

- No, no, no, a condom.
- I don't think I do.

Oh, wait, I think I have
some novelty condoms

- In the closet.
- Yes.

Uh, measuring stick
or glow in the dark?

Yeah, yeah,
glow in the dark.

Come here.

Hang on. Hang on.

- Oh.
- What are you doing here?

I cancelled dinner with Sunil
so I could help you.

But...

I see you have all the help
you need.

Hey, Todd, Todd, Todd,
Todd, good news.

Asha didn't go to dinner
at Sunil's.

You're still in the game.

- I don't think so.
- Why not?

Kind of hooked up
with Tonya over Diwali.

[laughs]
The Australian?

Dirty dog. Okay.
Tell me everything.

From the beginning.

A gentleman
doesn't kiss and tell.

Then skip the kissing
and tell me

About the good stuff.

No, Manmeet.

Okay, okay, okay.

I'll get you started.

The night was blank
with blank.

And I was surprised
to find her blank

Was already blank.

Oh, Todd.
Please fill in my blanks.

Oh, please, god, give me
an Australian of my own.

And it was so fun.

Yes, I was all alone,
but it was still a great Diwali.

Hey.
How was your Diwali?

Not as good as yours.

Hey, hey.
I'm really sorry about that.

You know, we were drinking
and couldn't find a cab.

You don't have to explain.

I understand your culture
has different values.

What's that supposed
to mean?

We don't just jump into bed
with anyone.

You barely even know her.

Yeah?
What about your values?

You're about to marry some guy
you never even met.

Yeah. I'm making
a life-long commitment.

You're just contaminating
the break room table.

Hmm?

Biscuit?

Hey. How was your Diwali?

It was a great night!

I've never blown up
so much crap!

- Charlie, you're screaming.
- Yeah! It was like a dream!

I bought a huge crate
of fireworks!

But I think I got a hernia
lifting it!

Just between us,

I got a little swelling
in the janglers!

Charlie. Shh.

There's Tonya!
Put in a good word for me!

But play it cool!
I'm gonna go ice down my nads!

- Hey, Tonya.
- Hey, Dempsy.

That was a lot of fun
the other night.

Yeah. That was the best
break room sex I ever had.

Well, maybe we should
do it again

To give you something
to compare it to.

I just don't want Charlie
to see us.

You know, he's had a thing
for you for a long time.

I don't want to be
with Charlie.

I want to be with you.

Okay, Charlie's gone now.

Oh, I see. You still
have feelings for Asha.

- No. No, no. I just-
- No, I get it.

- No, Tonya-
- No worries.

I don't see it as a problem.

I see it as a challenge.

Ho! Oh, wow.

See how much fun you can have
when you don't think about Asha?

- I wasn't thinking about Asha.
- Not convinced.

That was the best
storage closet sex

I've ever had.

Oh, that was...

You... Are..

Thanks.

- Still thinking about Asha?
- Who?

That a boy.

Hey, good night.

Hey, Rajiv,
what are you doing in there?

Sir, I regret to inform you
that we have ourselves a thief.

This scoundrel has stolen
two packages

Of the glow in the dark
condoms.

I wouldn't make a big deal
out of it.

I mean, I think, if anything,

This thief should be applauded
for his sense of humor

And commitment to safer sex.

We cannot take this lightly.

Any theft in the office
must be punished.

Yeah, but there's nothing
we can do.

I mean, we don't know
who did it, right?

We will when we review
the footage

From the security cameras.

Security cameras?
We have those?

Yes.

I had them installed
after my count

Of the sugar packets
did not add up.

You know what,
I think I'm gonna take care

Of this myself.

I'll go look at the footage.

Of course, sir.

[laughing]

Whoo! Yeah!

Oh!

Hello, Todd.

Jeez.

Surprised?
Surprised?

If you are watching this,

Then you know your shameful
break room shenanigans

Have been discovered.

I wish I could see
the look on your face.

Wish granted.

Rajiv, you got nothing
on me.

Tonya doesn't work for us

So corporate won't care
and I can pay for the condoms.

I want $20,000
in unmarked bills

And your resignation.

And you realize now
that I have you on tape

Trying to blackmail me.

Should we just
call it even?

You will also give me
your brown shoes that I like.

You know, the ones
with the tassels?

You cannot get those here.
I do not know why.

It goes on like this
for a while.

You shall also send
a company-wide email

Declaring that I, Rajiv,
defeated you.

However you choose to word it
is up to you.

But the subject line should be
"Todd defeated by Rajiv. "

Perhaps as an attachment,

Include a picture
where I am very large

And you are very small.

You can use photoshop.

Send me a copy of the email.

I can still hear you.

No, CC me.
No, just send me a copy.

Shh.

What you watching?

I am reviewing some footage
on the security camera.

You really have to see this.

- Is this footage from today?
- Yes, very recent.

This is my favorite part
coming up.

[gags]

- Hey, Gupta.
- Todd.

Ooh, muffins.
These look good.

[laughs nervously]

[spits]

Rajiv, why didn't you say
anything?

What would I have said?
Gupta licked your muffin?

At least I could have said that.

-- Sync by Rafael UPD --
www.addic7ed.com/

Repair and Synchronization by
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