Original subtitles

[Madhuri, Gupta, and Manmeet conversing]

Ahem!

You're sitting at our table.

Get up.

This table doesn't belong to you.

We have half an hour for lunch.

We have important work to do.

Get... up.

You're not better than us.

We provide tech support

for companies like Apple and Microsoft.

You, sell plastic vomit.

Get... up.

We're not scared of you.

I'm sligly scared.

Why don't you speak to my hands?

You're pathetic.

It's "talk to the hand".

You work at a call center,

and you don't even know how Americans speak?

Drop some science on this fool.

Yeah! You better check yourself

before you wreck yourself.

Aw! You just got served.

- No, I got my food from... - In your face!

In all of your faces.

Now... Get up!

We're not moving.

Find another table.

This isn't over.

Your mouth just wrote a check your ass can't cash.

Word.

The joke's on them.

I don't even have a checking account.

[all laughing]

[all stop laughing]

[Indian-themed pop music]

Please, you have to help me.

I don't know...

It has to be now! He'll be here any minute.

Okay.

Afternoon, sir... shouldn't you go?

Don't you have a lot of things to prepare for the holiday?

Yes, I do have...

- I should go. - What holiday?

What holiday? [laughing]

Oh, you really don't know.

Today is Vindaloo Day.

Vindaloo?

Yes! It is Vindaloo Day.

Oh, I've seen that on the menu.

I thought... I thought that was some kind of food.

Yes! Of course!

Uh, the dish is named after the God Vindaloo.

In a time before time people ate the blandest of foods

til Lord Vindaloo manifested himself

and spice burst forth from his forehead.

Is that why some people have that dot on their forehead?

It's like a... it's like a symbolic... cork.

You did not just say "symbolic cork".

I'm sorry. I just... I've never heard of this holiday before.

Why would you?

This country's just a cash register to you.

Hm. I wonder why no one's ever said anything about it to me.

Everyone is focusing on finishing work early

so that they can go home and be with their families.

That's why it's a half day today.

Ooh. I didn't tell corporate we were taking a half day.

No one works after lunch on Vindaloo Day.

The building will be locked.

And you should grab a taxi now

because if you have to walk home,

people in the street celebrating

will pelt you with spice.

Oh! Well, thanks.

Happy Vindaloo Day?

Actually, it's Jolly Vindaloo Day.

May your life be filled with flavor.

Flavor.

All right.

Well, um, Jolly Vindaloo Day.

I'll see you guys tomorrow.

Sweet.

[sighs heavily]

Jolly Vindaloo Day, guys.

Flavor.

Ladies, jolly Vindaloo Day.

Jolly Vindaloo Day.

Hey! Vin-da-loo.

Ah, it's a busy day for you, huh?

It's, uh, it's my first Vindaloo Day,

So just give me a pound of your best throwing spice.

Okay.

[laughing]

Hey, Charlie, may your life be filled with flavor.

What the hell are you doing?

Oh, come on, man, get in the spirit of Vindaloo Day.

You want to throw some spices with me?

Vindaloo Day?

Yeah, the holiday.

We'll just see about that.

What is that?

When I first started here

some of my employees scammed me

and got out of work by making up fake holidays.

Hell, they all sound fake to me.

So I made up a cheat sheet with the real Indian holidays.

Diwali, Durga Puja, Ganpati...

I repeat, these are the real ones.

Nope, there's no Vindaloo Day on here.

Looks like you've been holi-duped.

No Vindaloo Day?

What am I gonna do with all this saffron?

Don't feel bad.

For elephant day my workers tricked me

into painting my face and walking around

with the pockets pulled out of my pants.

It was all fun and games till I whipped out the trunk.

Why would Rajiv make up a holiday?

And why would Asha go along with it?

It's not like either of them want to get out of work.

Maybe they want to get you out of work.

This feels weird.

Hey, Rajiv lied to me.

I don't feel weird about spying on him.

No, usually when I do this I'm covered in deer urine.

Why's he sitting at my desk?

Sir! A new shipment.

This saffron is perfect for throwing on Vindaloo Day.

Hey, there is no Vindaloo Day!

Be that as it may,

it doesn't make the saffron any less delicious.

Beat it!

Here.

Check out the suit.

Who's this guy?

He's looking over your workers.

I'd bet my right walnut that's a headhunter.

You're about to lose your best people.

That doesn't make any sense.

How would losing the best workers help Rajiv?

He'll get a kickback.

A lot of managers do it.

How do you think I paid for my Lasik?

Depak, phone operator; Sandip, office manager.

No way, no way.

I'm not losing my best and brightest.

I've been teaching them all about American culture.

I'm the one who taught them about

tramp stamps and jager bombs

and how to spell "booze" on a calculator.

You can do that? That's a real thing?

[sighs]

9-00-9.

5!

Boobs.

I can manage the workers with this headset.

At the end of the day I'm responsible for everything.

Stop! Right there!

This is beneath even you, Rajiv!

And you are?

I am sick and tired

of you doing things behind my back.

I'm sorry about this.

Sometimes the tourists get crazy with the heat.

It will be okay!

Go back to your hotel and have a lime Rickey!

You're wasting your time talking to him.

My workers aren't going anywhere.

All right, I'm the manager here.

He's the assistant manager.

He has no authority to be dealing with you.

Assistant Manager?

Sir, you know how Americans play fast and loose

with titles.

Colonel Sanders.

The Burger King.

Lady Marmalade.

You are not a manager!

But you're a liar!

You will never marry my daughter!

Wait. So...

He's not a headhunter?

He was going to be my father-in-law.

Okay, sir, let me read that back to you.

You want ten bubble machines, a case of condom hats,

and a hundred wacky chickens!

Ha, y'all got that right.

Tell ya what, partner.

Why don't you throw in a hundred

of those glow-in-the-dark owls to scare those critters

off my property.

Of course, sir!

Your total comes to $3,180.

If I could please just put you on hold for one second

while I process your order.

All right, son.

I just broke the sales record!

Hah!

Go, Gupta! ... Go, Gupta!

It's your bonus! ... It's your bonus!

Your total comes to $4,300.

What?

Can I get it rush delivery?

'cause, like, all of your products

are, like, totally awesome!

I, like, totally agree with you. Heh heh!

If I could put you on hold while I process your order.

Thank you.

Yes!

Yes... sorry, Gupta.

I just crushed your order, man.

Now, with my bonus, I'll give my sister

the money she needs to go back to school.

Wait! No. I want an iPod.

Actually, you are both celebrating hastily.

A gentleman from Chicago just ordered

adult-sized taco costumes for his entire marching band.

The record... is mine.

This is the greatest moment of my life.

And perhaps all my previous ones.

[knocking on window]

Oh, hello.

Oh, no.

Sir, could I please have the credit card number?

There ain't no credit card, son.

So, in conclusion,

suck it, suck it, and suck it!

Suck what?

Todd, we have been humiliated.

Gupta may be used to it, but for us this is quite a blow.

We need revenge.

How can we get them back?

Yeah... N-not now, guys.

Yeah, hi, Rajiv.

It's another message from your manager, the real one.

Look, uh, I know you're dealing with some personal problems,

but you're gonna have some work problems, too,

if you don't come back here.

So now you're doing Rajiv's bidding?

This is the guy that cancelled take your daughter to work day

when he found out he couldn't make the girls work.

Todd, he told me Vimi's father was making a surprise visit

and if I didn't help him, he would lose Vimi forever.

Oh, come on! Lose her forever?

Rajiv is a love match.

And he had to become a manager to prove to Vimi's father

that he was worthy.

And now he's out.

And I'm sure Vimi's family will move on.

What do you mean, move on?

They'll arrange a marriage with someone they prefer.

But that's crazy!

Who lets their parents pick who they're gonna marry?

Todd! That's exactly what I'm doing, remember?

Oh...Asha, please, not every story is about you.

Let's just focus on Rajiv right now.

Okay?

We can't let him just give up.

I'm going to talk to him.

Well, I know where he lives. I'll get his address.

That's interesting.

What?

Well, you're planning an arranged marriage,

but you just risked your job

to help someone with a love marriage.

What does that say about you?

Hello, sir? Hello?

I don't care how many limbs you're missing.

I am not sharing my M&Ms.

Excuse me, Todd's large friend.

Oh, you guys.

We need your help.

I'm not surprised.

The answer's no.

We need your help getting revenge on someone.

You are a hunter.

You are used to stalking prey and laying traps.

There is a darkness about you.

All right, you can stop buttering me up.

What's this about?

We need to get someone back

with a vintage, American-style prank.

Well, I am the guy that got my fraternity

kicked off campus.

What did you do?

The settlement prevents me from talking about it.

Let's just say I'm not here by choice.

And my real name isn't Charlie.

Will you help us?

Sure, but let's get one thing straight.

I don't know you, and you don't know me.

We never met.

I am Madhuri. This is Gupta and Manmeet.

That's a good idea. Make up silly code names.

[knocking on door]

To what do I owe this honor/inconvenience?

I want to talk if that's okay.

I've never seen you without a tie.

Honestly, it's a little weird to see you in a wife beater.

A what?

Well, in America, we call that kind of t-shirt a wife beater.

Ironic, isn't it?

For I have no wife to beat.

Yeah, that's, uh, that's sort of why I came.

Look, Rajiv, I hate to think you're gonna give up

on marrying Vimi.

Save your breath.

Her parents are already pushing her

towards another man who is a manager.

I cannot compete with Harshit.

[laughing]

Wait... Harshit?

That... [laughing]

That's his name?

Are you kidding me?

Yes. I'm very much in a joking mood.

Oh, come on, man!

You can't lose out to a guy named... Harshit!

That's just... Harshit!

Yes?

I'd like you to meet my father.

His name is also Harshit.

Hello.

I work with Rajiv.

Sorry I came unannounced.

I just feel like it's kind of my fault

that the marriage with Vimi is off.

What?!

The marriage is off?

Rajiv, what happened? What did you do?

[speaking hindi]

I thought he knew! I'm sorry!

Not at all!

While you're here,

is there anything else in my life you'd like to ruin?

Perhaps you'd like to smash this bowl I made as a child.

Rajiv, you can't let her go without trying.

All right?

I made that mistake with Jennifer Snyder.

Her dad thought his daughter was too good

to go out with a guy who worked at Bennigan's.

I didn't fight for her. She wound up with another guy.

I'll always wonder if we could have had something special

rather than just that... that quickie in the walk-in freezer.

Thank you for that lovely tale about defiling a young woman.

No, Rajiv, my point is, I gave up.

Now, are you ready to give up on a woman

who looks past your temper?

The lies?

The cologne?

Your whole deal?

Really?

Even if it's for the last time,

Vimi's father will hear from me.

I must get dressed.

Yeah, you might also wanna, um...

Fine.

I meant shave.

Why did you not say that? I thought it was your custom!

Mm.

Mm-mm.

[horns honking]

All right.

What do all these people have in common?

They're connected by string.

They are the enemy.

And I have a plan to ensure

they never give you table trouble again.

It's called "fire escape".

Oh, that sounds good. What do we do?

We set fire to their stuff,

then we escape.

That's it?

I think that's just called arson.

Here's what I need from you.

Smiley, two cans of gas.

Eyeballs, road flares.

High pants... [cocks crossbow]

[all gasp]

This is the eagle eye XR-7.

It can shoot a flaming arrow 300 yards.

You got one shot. Do not miss.

We were thinking something more along the lines of

itching powder on their keyboards.

Oh. I see.

All right. I like it.

Itching powder on their keyboards.

Then when their guard's down, we torch their stuff.

Yeah! Mwah!

How do we tell him "no" without upsetting him?

Who's high pants?

It's Gupta.

Man, I've never been to this part of town.

- It's nice. - Yes.

Vimi's father runs a steel mill.

He is very wealthy.

What's that smell?

That is the fresh air only the rich can afford.

They get first crack at the sea breezes.

How do they get the breeze first?

Aren't we farther away...

I was fudging a fact to make a political point.

Please! I have a lot to think about!

Okay.

All right, Rajiv.

Vimi's father would be lucky to have you as a son-in-law.

Yes, I'm a catch.

I'm an Assistant Manager to an American kid

working for a company that sells farting garden gnomes.

Hey, gassy Gary is almost pure profit.

Come on, man, you know better than anyone

that sales is about confidence.

So put your game face on, go in there,

and give it 110%.

I do not need any of your American sports clichés.

Maybe one more cliché.

Eye of the tiger, Rajiv.

Tiger? Where? I thought they caught it!

It's just a saying. Good luck.

[doorbell rings]

[speaking hindi]

Mr. Mehta... I'm sorry for disturbing you so late.

I have one thing to say.

Vimi!

Okay, you said your one thing.

I have one overall thing to say.

I intend to marry Vimi.

There is no one else for me.

I have loved her since I was nine

and she protected me from a bully at the bus stop.

I told her someday that we would get married

and then I would be the one protecting her.

The time, she did not understand me

because I was crying

and my underpants had been pulled up over my head.

I am not a Manager yet,

but I promise I will do whatever it takes

to provide for Vimi.

You can search the world, but you will find no one

who loves her more than I do.

How'd it go?

Wait, are you doing that thing

where you pretend to be sad,

and then you go, "Ah! I've got good news!"

How many times are you going to

stick that foot in your mouth

before you get sick of the taste?

I'm sorry. What happened?

Let's just go.

- Rajiv! - Vimi!

No one's every stood up to my father like that before.

Not even me.

So we can get married?

Uh, no, no.

Your whole speech really made him dig in.

Oh.

But I don't care.

You're the one I want to marry.

- What about Harshit? [snickers]

He is a Manager. He is your parents' choice.

He won't be after next week.

I'm going to meet his family.

I will say we went for a walk

and he put his hand on my bottom.

My father will be enraged,

and I will be done with this Harshit forever.

[chuckles]

[kicks rickshaw]

I will wait for you.

I meant what I said. I will become Manager.

Of course you will. I believe in you.

All you have to do is get rid of that fool Todd.

Hello. I'm Todd.

So nice to meet you.

I have heard only good things.

[traditional hindu music]

Really?

You haven't learned your lesson yet?

I don't think you want to sit there.

[new York accent] Unless...

Somebody wants to get whacked.

Know what I'm saying?

Badda bing. Track suit. Chest hair.

Okay, fine. You got us.

You can have the table.

That is better.

[all grunting, groaning]

[laughter]

Get up.

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