Original subtitles

I could be handcuffed and suspended in a block of ice. Mmm.

That's a lot of work for a school talent competition.

Yes.

It's great you're taking part.

Yes. Stupid machine.

Or I could do the magic trick I did with Gran.

Her face when she thought I'd smashed her watch with that hammer!

Well, you had.

Yeah. Still don't know what went wrong there. Yes.

I think it was the wrong kind of hammer. No, I said "yes".

Still, Gran likes her new watch.

I'm not wearing them!

Karen, if both socks have got a hole in them, then they match.

Just put them on! Oh.

I didn't say "no."

Yeah, just now. You said, "No, I said 'yes'".

No. Yes, yes!

I could sing. (AS LOUIS ARMSTONG) ♪ And I think to myself...♪

Go back.

♪ What a wonderful world. ♪ Go back.

The only disadvantage to singing is that you can't.

I've got tons of other ideas.

Impractical.

Illegal.

Suicidal.

Ben, you don't even know what the Wall of Death is.

Go back. Ooh, I know what I could do.

I could do lion-taming with Rottweilers.

You absolute... Or juggling lobsters and crabs.

Or I could wrestle a bear.

I just don't under... No-one would get hurt because it'd be trained.

Where will you get a trained bear?

You can obviously find them on the Internet. Unbelievable.

What about those kinda stunts? I could hold my breath under water.

Or you could not hold it under water? And drown?!

KAREN HUMS

If I tried sword-swallowing. No. Or chain-saw swallowing.

But then they wouldn't let me do it. I could do it with like a mop

because I think the people that clean up after have some of them.

So you're going to put a day's worth of bacteria into your stomach?

No, the wooden bit!

Accounts. That's worse. The cleaners' hands have been on it.

They're cleaners, they obviously have clean hands. No-o.

Or I could have like a choir of parrots.

A choir. Of parrots?

KAREN HUMS: "Hole In The Wall" theme

Bring on the wall!

MAKES SOUND EFFECTS

Ben! Teeth!

You shouldn't discourage him like that.

It's not good for his confidence.

Will it be good for his confidence when the whole school laughs at him? DOORBELL

Who's that? A man in a suit.

See what he wants, and if he's a cold caller just do your stuff!

OK.

Go ba... Oh, f...

No, I do not want to start again.

I want to kill myself.

Certainly. To kill myself!

Hello. They're busy.

Um, can I speak to your mum or dad?

You've just asked the question I answered.

Mum and Dad don't speak to cold callers.

I'm not a cold caller. Do we know you? No, but...

Did we know you were going to call? No, however...

I think that makes you a cold caller.

I think this competition will be good for Ben.

I'm worried about him settling in at school. Well, that's good. Eh?

Well, that'll stop you worrying about Jake being up to something.

Oh, God, Jake, yeah. Yeah, he keeps putting up all these defences.

Well, maybe if you stop trying to break into his Facebook page.

You should give up. I'm not a cold caller and this is very important.

The lady from BT said that. Your mum and dad are not going to be pleased

when they realise you wouldn't let me talk to them. She said that, too.

Look, try the blue house over there.

If you get there before her helper arrives she'll buy anything.

But he seems to have this sixth sense.

Whichever teenage girl I pretend to be, he spots it.

And I'm using all the current slang and everything.

Yeah, you're right, I need to chillax. Chillax?

He's pretty low-maintenance for a 15-year-old boy.

He's got nice friends.

Jake's got loads of friends.

Big kids come up to me and say, "You're Jailbait's brother.

"His band's really cool." Can I have a mini eclair? Jailbait?

Yeah, that's his nickname. Can I have a mini eclair? Jail... bait?

Yeah. You've asked that twice. Can I have a mini eclair?

No. Why's that his nickname?

I don't know. I mean, why am I called Casualty?

Or Ouch, or The Destructonator.

I'm not called that, but I'd like to be. Can I have a mini eclair?

No. Get ready for school.

Is eating caterpillars a talent? Only if you're a bird.

Well, Karen, I can see you are a clever little girl who isn't going

to let me talk to your mum and dad, but perhaps you could

let me have a little chat with Angela Bollinger.

Who's that?

Your mum's sister, Angela.

Auntie Angela is staying with you, isn't she? No.

She comes about once a year

and then they smile at each other for a bit,

and then they shout at each other for a bit.

Once, Mum kicked her up the bottom.

But now she's married this man with a silly name that I forget.

Look, this is very important.

I'm bored now.

OK, just take my card.

Tell your mum or dad it's vital they ring me, mmm?

Foot.

Look, I think it may be best if we don't actually ask Jake about this.

No, you're right.

Because it's not like he's going to tell you. No, no, you're right.

Oh, God, kids these days just grow up so quickly, that's the prob...

Has someone moved my science homework?

Why are you called Jailbait?

What? Why is that your nickname?

Mum, Dad... Not now, Karen.

It's just a name, that's all, and it's none of your business.

But, Dad. Just get ready for school, now!

And I... Dad, are cabbages flammable?

Why? Just an idea for the talent contest, bye!

Why are you called Jailbait? I need to go to school.

I knew he wouldn't answer.

I just wanted to learn from the WAY he didn't answer.

What did you learn?

If you're not going to work, could you attack that ironing please? Karen! School!

If I filled the freezer with water, how big an ice cube could I make?

Will you just forget the David Blaine thing?

You need something practical for the talent show.

I checked some things on the Internet. I saw - fire-eating.

I'm not doing that,

some kids in my class have some weird phobia of fire.

Yes.

Well, we know why that is, don't we?

It turned out OK.

Mr Hunslet said he'd got bored of having eyebrows. I like Mr Hunslet.

Maybe I could be a comedian and I could, like, tell jokes.

No, Ben, that...

Actually, that's quite a good idea.

DOORBELL

Where's Karen when you need her?

Everyone laughed a lot when I farted at Uncle Bob's funeral.

Yeah, well, that was funny.

Though it was the echo as much as anything.

And I've got this joke book. A joke book? That sounds great.

Hi, Pete.

Angela.

Hello.

Hi. I brought Misty with me.

And some baggage. Luggage.

Aren't you going to ask us in? Yes, of course.

Is Brick with you? Not this time.

So, you won't get to shove each other in the chest in a car park.

Hi, Ben! Uh-oh!

Ben. Does Mum know you're coming?

Ben, say hello. Hello, Auntie Angela.

DOES Sue know you're coming? Er... Or is this just a lovely surprise?

To be honest, Pete, we're in a bit of a situation.

Our hotel room was double booked. Every single place we tried was full

and this is Misty's first ever night in Europe.

We wondered if maybe we could stay with you, just for one night?

Just one night. I'm sure that would be...

nice.

A skeleton walks into a pub and says,

"I'll have a pint of lager and a mop."

He's going to be a comedian in the school talent show.

It's funny because he's a skeleton, so when he drinks the lager,

it'll go right through him and then he needs the mop to clean it up.

Do you get it? Yeah, I get it. We had a really rough...

There's a skeleton and he goes in to a pub

and says, "I'll have a pint of lager and a mop."

Look, do you get it or not? Because you're still not laughing.

Ben! OK, well, this skeleton, he doesn't have a stomach... Ben!

or a bladder, or anything like that. And he knows this.

I expect you've got some homework. No.

Uh-oh...

So, Misty, would you like a drink? I've got Coke.

No, thank you, I suffer from personal gas.

Right. Well, I've got tea, coffee.

All the drinks you pour water onto, that don't give you gas.

No, thank you. So, Pete, you're a house-husband now?

No, I'm supply teaching. I just...

It's OK, don't feel emasculated. I think it's marvellous. I don't...

So, Auntie, how's things?

Terrific, thanks, Jake. I've become a writer. A writer?

They want to publish my book.

I'm meeting an editor here in London and Misty wanted to see Europe.

Oh, Jesus.

Hi, Karen! This is Misty. Is Mum with you?

No, I ran ahead. Does she know you're here? Karen!

It's a surprise. But it's not going to be a nice surprise, though.

Cos you just fight.

Don't be silly, we won't fight.

I'm going to my bedroom. Call me when it's all over.

So, this book. Is it a novel?

No, Pete, it's a self-help book. It gives advice on surviving families.

So it's, it's you...

giving advice about families to other people.

I've finally understood that my pain was a gift.

Hello!

That's Sue... I'll just...

Sue... Jake is going out with a 19-year-old.

Angela's here. What, you let her in? 19? One-nine?

She can't stay. I said she could stay the night.

How do you know? I finally conned my way on to his Facebook page.

What the bloody hell is Angela doing here? She's written a book.

19? So this girl's... A book? four years older than him?

What kind of book? Hey! Did you hear about the cowboy who wore

a paper hat, shirt and trousers? He was found guilty of rustling.

Not now, Ben. What is rustling?

Ben, go! He's going to be a comedian.

19! Angela!

No violence now, Mum.

19. Can you stop saying that?

Hi, Sue! Aren't you going to come in and say hello to your sister?

So, let me get this straight.

You're giving advice on families to other people. Yes, I am.

She finally understood her pain was a gift.

DOORBELL

Karen! Door! I've found this really good joke on Twitter.

It's a Frankie Boyle joke. I'm going to stop you right there.

Well, I've already told it to Misty. Did she laugh?

She made some noises. I wouldn't really call it laughing as such.

Ben! It's for you!

So, does this book draw on our family?

A tiny bit, but enough of me and my writing.

I hear you've got some secretarial work? I never said secre...

I run an office at a multimedia interconnect company.

They provide connectivity solutions for different types of media.

But what exactly... I run the office, I don't know, OK?

And how's everything with Jake? Has he got a girlfriend yet?

Well... Yeah, there are rumours.

But you haven't had the big day when you meet her for the first time?

No, but that big day will be coming soon.

Will it? Yes. Yes, it will.

What the...? That was Ibrahim at the door.

He's given me to Ben.

I was in his attic and they didn't want me.

His grandmother said I was the work of the devil. He's horrible. Ben!

Rah! SUE SCREAMS

So, I'm going to do my act and then you've got to heckle me,

so I can practise my put-downs.

Well, we are quite tired.

OK, just do your best.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Dwayne. Dwayne who?

Dwain the bathtub - I'm dwowning.

You haven't heckled me yet. You're rubbish.

Erm...

OK, sorry. The...

The heckling stuff is at the back.

Erm...

Erm...

Erm...

Are you wearing those clothes for a bet?

I find him very disturbing.

Oh, it's all right, sweetie, he's only a dummy made of wood.

No, the boy.

Who did your make-up? A clown? Oh, that's charming.

No, I just don't think we should rush up to him and say,

"So, you've got a 19-year-old girlfriend".

Every time you say, "19-year-old girlfriend",

you've got a bit of a grin on your face.

No, I haven't!

It's illegal. Well, only technically.

No, not technically... Only if they're...

Do you think he's got a 19-year-old girlfriend

and they're reading poetry to... You're doing the grin again!

No, I'm not!

I will now recite the alphabet whilst drinking this glass of water.

I think we've had enough.

A, B, C,

D, E... Ben... F, G, H...

Ben, I think YOU'RE supposed to drink the water.

What? I think YOU'RE supposed to drink the water.

But I'm not thirsty. He is.

You are!

My face at rest just happens to look like a bit of a grin, that's all.

You admire him, don't you? No.

He's doing something you could only dream of as a teenager.

OK, let's not forget you had a boyfriend - a steady boyfriend - at 14,

which is the equivalent of about eight now.

But he was 14, the same age as me. I've seen the photo, he looks...

Well, look, how would you feel if Karen was 15

and had a 19-year-old boyfriend? Well... You're not grinning now.

Well, that would be different. Why? Well, because... Because...

Cos she's a girl. I haven't said that.

You haven't said anything yet. Why is that different? Because... Yes?

We'll have a word with Jake.

I wouldn't say my mother-in-law is fat...

Oh, Ben, please, no jokes about people with weight issues.

but every time she goes swimming... she gets harpooned.

People who have had weight issues... Well, it's not me saying it.

People find jokes like that offensive. Yeah, I agree with you.

This is quite offensive. But I'm not the one saying it, he is.

Don't join their side, you traitor. You're being mean about fat people.

Rot in hell, you back-stabbing traitor.

SUE KNOCKS Jake.

What?!

Jake!

I'm in the middle of a maths problem.

Well... how's this for a maths problem?

19 plus 15 equals a crime.

What are you talking about?

You and this 19-year-old girl, it's a crime. A crime?

Yes! She could be put on the sex offenders' register.

Whoa, cool it a bit, Mum. Anyway, it's not her fault.

Well, I think you'll find it IS her fault.

No, it's not...

cos she thinks I'm 17. Why?

That's what I told her. Well, she should have checked. What?

Well... She, she...

She should have asked to see some formal means of identification.

She did. What?

She's seen my ID.

Well, you mean you've got fake ID to say you're 17 years old?

No, it says I'm 18. There's no point in having a fake ID

saying you're one year too young to do anything. Right.

Come on, Mum, everyone's got fake ID.

Dave's got one to say he's got diplomatic immunity.

Jake... You're... You're just...

You're not... Pete, why aren't you saying anything?

Because you're not leaving any gaps.

But, Jake, your mum is right. This girl, what's her name? Victoria.

And where does she live? In Ealing.

Do you have any photographs of her?

Well, that's not important, is it?

No.

No, I'm not going in the box, I'm not going in the box!

You are, you're going in the box.

No, no, I'm not going in the box.

Don't ignore me, I've got another joke.

We don't want to hear it.

But this one's good

and it's all about fat people.

Is this abnormal behaviour?

I have human rights.

Not really. Not for him.

I think he's quietened down. Urgh!

Mum's four years younger than you.

Oh, come on! No, it's...

What is wrong with...

consorting with girls your own age?

Well, then I WOULD be doing something illegal.

Would you? Would he?

Erm, I'm not sure... But you Googled it.

I Googled "sex under 16"... which was a mistake.

Look, Jake, for a start, you've got to tell this Victoria your real age.

Why? What are you going to do, go to the police?

Yes! Maybe.

That's just stupid. That's the most... It's not stupid.

What will the police do? It's me looking out for you.

Calm down, before someone says something really unfortunate.

She always goes mental when Angela's around.

Like that.

I promise, honey, everything's going to be just...

Hi, sweetie. My, how you've grown.

Look, I don't want you to sleep in my room,

but seeing as you are, here is a list of rules.

I'm not very likely to wee in the bed.

Auntie Maddy did. Really?

Yes, she had too much red wine. She's a borderline alcoholic.

Is she? She also broke rules six and eight.

Sign in the box, please. I don't see a box.

Of course, just below rule 27.

But you haven't read them yet. Don't sign something you haven't read.

That's how that woman got on the wrong side of Rumpelstiltskin.

She doesn't have to sign because she looks too sad.

Sue? I couldn't sleep.

It's that band of Jake's that's the problem.

You know what girls are like around bands. What's that?

Oh, er, it's Angela's book.

Stumbled across it...

in her luggage. Right...

Well, I stumbled across the disc in her luggage...

which I put back...

after I printed it out.

Right... Here, listen to this.

"Some self-help books are Band-Aids, some are bandages,

"this book is a portal."

A portal?

"A portal to take you back to when the hurt happened.

"To let you relive it in a healing way,

"which will positivise your future. Let me talk you through my past."

"Talk to you through my arse"?

"In my family, my sister was a mani... pulator."

Maybe stop there.

"She hooked my MOM like a drug pusher,

"gave her love until she got used to it.

"Then she took it away and forced my MOM to buy it hit by hit."

Or... stop there?

Mom! Mom! Sue...

We didn't have a "Mom", we had a bloody "Mum".

Let's not have a fight with her about this.

"She finally found the man she'd been looking for.

"A weak but angry man, who avoided all confrontation,

"who she could hook like she hooked MOM."

"Weak and angry"? And I avoid confrontation, do I?

Well, I tell you what, tomorrow morning, at bloody breakfast...

Are you two fighting?

No. No, sweetheart, come on.

Why are you awake at this time of night? Are you sure?

Yeah. Really.

We're not fighting. We want to fight Auntie Angela.

A bit.

Why do families fight so much?

Well, they fight mostly because they... they love each other.

Did Henry VIII love Anne Boleyn?

Well, yes, in a sense, he loved her too much, because he ended up...

Chopping her head off. Yes.

In front of hundreds of people. What about Richard III?

What about Richard III? He locked up those princes so they starved and died.

Come on. Come on, it's... Did they actually love each other...?

SHE SNEEZES

Bless you.

So why do families fight?

Listen, families are like democracy - really rubbish,

but better than the alternatives.

Do you want a carry upstairs, for old time's sake? OK.

And don't worry about fighting. Oh, I don't.

I like watching it.

So, the big fight's going to be at breakfast?

Er... yep.

So, yeah, er, Dad. This is how I'm going to do it, OK?

Hello, School! He's Junior. "And he's Jen."

I could see your lips moving. So?

You're not meant to see your lips moving.

So close your eyes.

And also, he called you "Jen".

Maybe he has a speech impediment. He's a dummy. It's his own life!

But I'm just trying to...

"Keep quiet, blondie!" Don't talk about my sister that way.

You're both dummies! Why are you watching this?!

Hiya! Hiya.

Karen, go get dressed. Go on.

So, the book, much about me in it?

Not much, no, the odd mention now and then.

What sort of mention? A nice mention?

It's mostly affectionate.

It's just...

Ben, can you and Junior please go get ready for school?

"That was your fault." No, it wasn't, it was your fault.

Have got you any skimmed milk? I find... You call me a drug pusher!

You've read it!

You say I'm controlling, small-minded.

You got it out of my suit... And you say the

bike Mum bought me was better than yours.

Yours was way better. That is a totally unacceptable invasion of privacy.

We can get an injunction to stop you publishing. No, you can't.

Yes, we can. We've looked into it.

Between last night and breakfast?

Lawyers get to work very early.

Oh, you're just jealous of my success.

Oh, I should take that book and shove it up your...

portal. Why are you so angry? Me, angry?

That book is the angriest thing I've ever read.

Oh, that's big coming from you.

You're the angriest of anyone! Don't be ridiculous.

You're the angry one.

OK, OK, everyone's angry, where's my backpack?

They're all very angry, apparently.

Misty, we're leaving straight after breakfast.

I'm going to need the number for a cab.

BOTH: 0207... 946 0505.

You know, it's good sometimes that I come back to suburbia.

It reminds me exactly why I...

God.

I know you hate me, but...

are you working with Brick?

Brick?

Sneider and Morpego. This card is from his attorneys.

I've no idea what that is.

Is Brick paying you?

Oh, that's the card from the man. What man?

The man that called yesterday and said he wasn't a cold caller.

He asked if Angela was here. And what did you say?

Well, I said "no" obviously because you weren't here yesterday.

Why didn't you tell us this? I tried to.

But you were too busy arguing with Jake about his nickname.

Have you seen my trainers? Oh, oh, I know where they are.

Oh, don't worry, sweetie, why don't you go and pack your things?

Me and Brick split up badly.

He was psychologically abusive, especially to Misty,

so I left him and I took her with me.

But, Brick being Brick... I liked Brick.

Ben. I liked him cos he was called Brick.

Ben, can you just...?

"I liked Brick too." You didn't know Brick. "Yes, I did."

No, you didn't. "Yes, I did." No, you didn't.

So you've done a runner with Brick's daughter?

I had to, Pete, he's evil.

He had his first wife committed and, anyway, now he's traced us to London

and I've got nowhere to go.

Unless, of course, I could stay here for a couple of hours,

just until I sort out a hotel.

OK, but I want you out by lunchtime. Out by lunchtime? Absolutely.

All this stuff about Brick, you didn't put it in the book.

The publisher said to save it for the sequel.

Angela?

Whoo-hoo! Alone at last.

She's a difficult woman to get rid of. I was thinking of calling Rentokil. Dad.

Have you phoned Victoria, like we agreed? Erm...

Come on, Jake, have you or haven't you? Erm...

Hi, Pete.

What the hell are you still doing here?

I'm sorry, all the hotels were booked out. No, they weren't.

I told you he wouldn't believe you. I did the talent show.

Brick's cut off my cards.

Everyone laughed a lot. Great. But in the wrong places.

I've no money. We can't go.

I tried telling them. I shouted, "Stop laughing",

but it just made them laugh even more.

It was all Junior's fault. I've had enough. I'm going solo.

Where are all the Jaffa Cakes? I think Misty had those.

Oh, hi, Ben, how did you get on with the talent con...?

Jesus, you're still here. Yes.

She hasn't got enough money for a hotel room.

I haven't got money for anything. I'm stuck here.

When you say "here", what exactly do you mean by...

MOBILE BLEEPS

Text from Misty.

She's having one of her bathroom traumas. She has a fear of flush toilets.

We need to talk about this, you can't just... Hey! Come back here!

I'm coming!

Jesus we...

This is turning in to a...' effing nightmare!

So, what you going to do?

Never mind what WE'RE going to do, have you done what you were supposed to do? Sorry?

This girl, have you told her?

I'm not allowed to use my mobile at school. Ring her now.

She's working.

Working? You said she was a student.

Yeah, but she's got a part-time job.

Doing what? In entertainment. Doing what? She's a dancer.

What, does she dance with a dance troupe? No, she dances on her own.

She dances on...?

Oh, my God! Is there a pole involved?

Sometimes.

You're going out with a 19-year-old lap dancer?

No, she's not a lap dancer, lap dancers are cheap.

She's a pole dancer, and pole dancing is artistic.

Oh, is that what she's told you?

No, it is artistic, I've seen her.

He's seen her! She's... You've seen...?

He's seen her!

It's OK, I wasn't in the club, I was only backstage.

With all the other naked strippers?

You just have to be judgmental, don't you?

Naked strippers? Oi, keep this out of it!

Mum! Dad! Not now, Karen.

DOORBELL RINGS

Who's that? It's that man. He's back.

The guy that's looking for Auntie Angela.

DOORBELL RINGS

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