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1
00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:03,599
I'm just saying I'm surprised
that's all, Karen.
2
00:00:03,602 --> 00:00:06,761
because you've always
said that when you grow up you want
3
00:00:06,765 --> 00:00:10,124
to be a zoologist or a vigilante and
now you're saying you want to be...
4
00:00:10,128 --> 00:00:12,967
Something in fashion, yes.
It's not very exciting!
5
00:00:12,970 --> 00:00:15,329
Well, fashion is very exciting!
6
00:00:15,332 --> 00:00:19,051
One day black's in and then
the next day brown's the new black
7
00:00:19,055 --> 00:00:21,694
and the next day black's
the new brown!
8
00:00:21,697 --> 00:00:25,536
That's very exciting, waking up and
not knowing what colour's are cool.
9
00:00:25,541 --> 00:00:28,460
Yeah, but... And I have my future
all planned out.
10
00:00:28,463 --> 00:00:32,942
Tanya's going to start a global
fashion house called 'Tanya',
11
00:00:32,947 --> 00:00:37,986
with a little T and a big Y, and
then I'm going to be her assistant.
12
00:00:37,991 --> 00:00:43,270
Her assistant?! Well, why should
you be her assis... Archie!
13
00:00:43,276 --> 00:00:45,355
DOG BARKS
Hello, Archie!
14
00:00:45,357 --> 00:00:47,476
Nice walk?
Well, HE enjoyed it.
15
00:00:47,479 --> 00:00:50,118
He got to crap in the middle
of the floral clock
16
00:00:50,121 --> 00:00:53,040
and sniffed a lot of new bottoms,
most of them dogs.
17
00:00:53,044 --> 00:00:55,243
The only minus was that the
squirrels
18
00:00:55,246 --> 00:00:59,365
kept cheating by running up trees.
When can WE get a dog? Yeah.
19
00:00:59,369 --> 00:01:01,848
The only reason we're
dog-sitting Archie is
20
00:01:01,851 --> 00:01:04,530
so you kids could prove you could
look after a dog.
21
00:01:04,533 --> 00:01:07,652
And in three days, Jake, you haven't
once taken him for a walk
22
00:01:07,656 --> 00:01:10,615
and all you've done, Karen,
is dress him in girl's clothes,
23
00:01:10,619 --> 00:01:14,298
paint his toenails and feed him
chocolate mints,
24
00:01:14,302 --> 00:01:17,221
which proved to be very bad
news for the living room carpet.
25
00:01:17,224 --> 00:01:19,783
But it doesn't matter
about the living room carpet
26
00:01:19,786 --> 00:01:24,545
because that's cream. Well, it was.
And cream is very 1990s.
27
00:01:24,550 --> 00:01:26,509
Who are you - Gok Wan?! Why...
28
00:01:26,512 --> 00:01:31,271
why does he keep following me about?
Because you mean food.
29
00:01:31,276 --> 00:01:33,595
We're his pack,
and you're the pack leader.
30
00:01:33,598 --> 00:01:37,357
Well, if I'm the pack-leader, why
doesn't he obey me?! Archie...
31
00:01:37,361 --> 00:01:40,360
Bed! Archie! Bed!
32
00:01:40,364 --> 00:01:41,683
See?!
33
00:01:41,685 --> 00:01:45,964
What's that you're doing? Biology.
With a guitar?
34
00:01:45,968 --> 00:01:48,327
I'm just writing a song
while I'm doing it.
35
00:01:48,330 --> 00:01:50,769
It's only 'Evolution',
it's not hard.
36
00:01:50,772 --> 00:01:53,371
Yeah, God knows what took Darwin
so long to work it out,
37
00:01:53,375 --> 00:01:55,974
the lightweight. Is evolution the
one that says
38
00:01:55,977 --> 00:01:57,976
that humans started off
39
00:01:57,978 --> 00:02:02,657
as little blobs of jelly
and then they evoluted into mammals?
40
00:02:02,662 --> 00:02:05,461
Well, not just humans, Karen.
See Archie?
41
00:02:05,465 --> 00:02:07,904
He's the perfect
example of evolution
42
00:02:07,907 --> 00:02:11,347
because basically what you have
there is a wolf.
43
00:02:13,151 --> 00:02:19,110
A very dim wolf...
Possibly a special needs wolf.
44
00:02:19,116 --> 00:02:23,235
Archie's not dim!
Dogs are very clever.
45
00:02:23,240 --> 00:02:26,679
They're not as clever as wolves.
They are cleverer than wolves!
46
00:02:26,683 --> 00:02:30,322
No, they're not. They had the brains
to come inside and live with us.
47
00:02:30,326 --> 00:02:34,925
Yes, but that doesn't make them...
And get people to give them food
48
00:02:34,929 --> 00:02:37,328
out of tins and give them a basket,
49
00:02:37,332 --> 00:02:41,291
so they won't have to go chasing
elks through the snow for days.
50
00:02:41,295 --> 00:02:43,374
Loads of species are cleverer
than dogs.
51
00:02:43,377 --> 00:02:46,296
I read an article that said
crows are cleverer than dogs.
52
00:02:46,299 --> 00:02:49,698
Crows aren't brighter than dogs!
They are! Can crows fetch a stick?
53
00:02:49,702 --> 00:02:53,261
Well, they use sticks as tools.
Can they fetch the newspaper?
54
00:02:53,265 --> 00:02:55,784
Well, maybe,
if you gave him the money.
55
00:02:55,787 --> 00:02:58,186
No shiny coins though,
they'd just keep those.
56
00:02:58,189 --> 00:03:00,228
I think dogs are the cleverest
animals.
57
00:03:00,231 --> 00:03:03,350
A squid's the cleverest animal.
How's a squid a clever animal?!
58
00:03:03,353 --> 00:03:06,272
Squids are highly intelligent,
they've done all sorts of tests.
59
00:03:06,276 --> 00:03:09,195
What, squids have done lots of
tests? No, scientists!
60
00:03:09,198 --> 00:03:12,197
Can't be that clever or
they wouldn't end up as calamari!
61
00:03:12,201 --> 00:03:14,200
Salamanders are really clever.
62
00:03:14,203 --> 00:03:17,442
Because you rip off one of their
arms and they just grow it back!
63
00:03:17,445 --> 00:03:20,484
Doesn't make them clever. Can you do
that? If I just got an axe
64
00:03:20,488 --> 00:03:24,247
and hacked off one of your arms,
could you just suddenly grow it out?
65
00:03:24,251 --> 00:03:28,250
No. Could you? No. Exactly. You're
just one down from a lizard, really.
66
00:03:28,254 --> 00:03:31,733
Well, I can't cling vertically to
walls and I don't eat cicadas,
67
00:03:31,737 --> 00:03:36,096
it doesn't make any... I...I'm still
clever! I'm much cleverer than a lizard!
68
00:03:36,101 --> 00:03:39,140
PHONE RINGS
Where's the phone?
69
00:03:39,144 --> 00:03:41,463
Why can't anybody
ever put it on the...
70
00:03:41,465 --> 00:03:43,984
Oh... Archie, get...
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00:03:43,988 --> 00:03:48,507
Archie!
PHONE CONTINUES
72
00:03:48,511 --> 00:03:52,351
Excuse me. I think this'll be for
me... Hello...
73
00:03:53,355 --> 00:03:57,594
Oh, hi Ben, how's adventure camp?
What blood group am I?
74
00:03:57,599 --> 00:03:59,758
What blood...are you OK?!
No, I'm fine.
75
00:03:59,761 --> 00:04:02,080
Why do you want to know your
blood group?
76
00:04:02,083 --> 00:04:03,962
Just something Mr Hunslet said.
77
00:04:03,964 --> 00:04:06,803
He saw me doing the assault course
with my eyes shut for a bet
78
00:04:06,807 --> 00:04:10,006
and he said, "Ooh, we'd better find
out what blood group you are".
79
00:04:10,009 --> 00:04:13,208
Yeah, um, that sounds like
he might have said it as a joke.
80
00:04:13,212 --> 00:04:14,891
Well, I thought of that,
81
00:04:14,894 --> 00:04:18,013
but it's kinda hard to tell
when Mr Hunslet's doing a joke,
82
00:04:18,016 --> 00:04:21,816
because he's got that
smile like his face has got stuck.
83
00:04:23,381 --> 00:04:27,701
Have we got any friends whose
children aren't being sponsored for charity?
84
00:04:29,666 --> 00:04:33,945
Walking up Kilimanjaro?
That's a holiday!
85
00:04:33,950 --> 00:04:36,829
I'll say it got stuck in the spam
filter.
86
00:04:36,832 --> 00:04:39,191
KAREN: I want my Ugg boots!
87
00:04:39,194 --> 00:04:43,793
Where are my Ugg boots!?
She doesn't have Ugg boots.
88
00:04:43,798 --> 00:04:47,477
No, she's just written Ugg
on the side of her boots.
89
00:04:47,481 --> 00:04:50,840
Where's she going anyway?
Oh, a sleepover at Tanya's house.
90
00:04:50,844 --> 00:04:53,283
You know,
she's totally in awe of this girl,
91
00:04:53,286 --> 00:04:55,725
and her little witches coven.
92
00:04:55,728 --> 00:04:58,768
I think she's going to feel left
out. Right.
93
00:05:03,735 --> 00:05:10,094
So...planning any band rehearsals
this weekend? Maybe.
94
00:05:10,100 --> 00:05:16,019
Only you seem to have had a lot of
those recently...band rehearsals.
95
00:05:16,025 --> 00:05:20,424
Only, um, Donny's mum said that
Donny hadn't been going
96
00:05:20,429 --> 00:05:21,828
to any band rehearsals.
97
00:05:21,830 --> 00:05:25,309
That's because Donny's no longer
in the band. Oh, why's that?
98
00:05:25,313 --> 00:05:28,472
Musical differences. He wanted to
move away from grunge folk
99
00:05:28,475 --> 00:05:30,755
towards semi garage.
100
00:05:32,399 --> 00:05:35,958
Also, he punched Mikey in the face.
Right.
101
00:05:35,962 --> 00:05:38,641
Are you satisfied with that answer?
Or would you like to water board me?
102
00:05:38,644 --> 00:05:40,683
No, listen. No, I'm just...
103
00:05:40,686 --> 00:05:43,285
I'm, I'm just,
I'm really just interested
104
00:05:43,288 --> 00:05:47,407
I just was taking a casual
interest in...
105
00:05:47,411 --> 00:05:50,050
in...what you're up to.
106
00:05:50,054 --> 00:05:52,253
So, you're enjoying yourself?
Yeah!
107
00:05:52,255 --> 00:05:54,134
We've just played
British Bulldog.
108
00:05:54,137 --> 00:05:58,256
What does 'feral' mean? Feral?
Something else Mr Hunslet said?
109
00:05:58,261 --> 00:06:02,581
Yeah. Yeah, I wouldn't worry about
it. So, what blood group am I? Um...
110
00:06:04,826 --> 00:06:12,465
Sue? What blood group's Ben?
Well, um...one of the ones.
111
00:06:12,472 --> 00:06:18,111
Got to go, otherwise they'll hear
me. Ben!
112
00:06:18,117 --> 00:06:19,636
Ben! Ben!?
113
00:06:19,639 --> 00:06:23,158
DOORBELL RINGS
OK, Karen!
114
00:06:23,161 --> 00:06:27,160
It's Molly's mum, so...
It's OK, I'll get it!
115
00:06:27,165 --> 00:06:31,124
It's OK, I won't say anything
embarrassing!
116
00:06:31,128 --> 00:06:33,287
You don't have to say anything!
117
00:06:33,290 --> 00:06:36,729
Well, have a nice...
FRONT DOOR SLAMS
118
00:06:36,733 --> 00:06:38,772
ARCHIE BARKS
119
00:06:38,775 --> 00:06:42,494
It's OK, Archie, it's only Dad.
Archie.
120
00:06:42,498 --> 00:06:45,297
I'll buy him off with a biscuit.
121
00:06:45,300 --> 00:06:49,819
This is empty. It was half full
yesterday, how's that happened?
122
00:06:49,824 --> 00:06:52,383
It's those eyes!
123
00:06:52,386 --> 00:06:56,105
If I don't feed him, he gives me the
eyes. See, Dad? He is quite clever.
124
00:06:56,109 --> 00:06:58,708
He's worked out that it's
survival of the cutest.
125
00:06:58,711 --> 00:07:01,070
He's had both of those packs of
dog biscuits.
126
00:07:01,073 --> 00:07:04,112
Apart from the ones Ben ate.
BIN CLATTERS
127
00:07:04,116 --> 00:07:07,155
Archie, out of there! Come on now,
come on.
128
00:07:07,158 --> 00:07:09,157
So, it's just the three of us
tonight.
129
00:07:09,160 --> 00:07:11,919
Archie! Do you fancy watching a
classic movie?
130
00:07:11,923 --> 00:07:15,002
No, because you'll just talk through
every scene telling me
131
00:07:15,005 --> 00:07:19,084
how brilliant it is. I didn't hear
a word of Citizen Kane.
132
00:07:19,089 --> 00:07:21,488
How about playing FIFA?
133
00:07:21,491 --> 00:07:24,170
No, no, not PlayStation.
Scared I'll beat you?
134
00:07:24,173 --> 00:07:27,732
Well, of course you'd beat me
at that. I'd murder you at...
135
00:07:27,736 --> 00:07:29,855
tiddlywinks.
136
00:07:29,858 --> 00:07:32,017
There's a game called tiddlywinks?
137
00:07:32,019 --> 00:07:36,339
Yeah, you flick little
bits of plastic into a pot.
138
00:07:37,824 --> 00:07:40,263
That sounds way too addictive
for me.
139
00:07:40,266 --> 00:07:43,505
God, you're heavy!
140
00:07:43,509 --> 00:07:49,349
So, why are forests like this
so important to our planet, hmmm?
141
00:07:51,396 --> 00:07:52,996
Anyone?!
142
00:07:54,398 --> 00:07:55,957
OK, Ben...
143
00:07:55,960 --> 00:07:58,879
Forests are important
because they produce oxygen.
144
00:07:58,882 --> 00:08:01,961
They're the lungs of the planet.
Without them humanity would become extinct.
145
00:08:01,965 --> 00:08:06,764
That's right! Although that is
going to happen anyway. Er, well...
146
00:08:06,769 --> 00:08:09,408
Humans are going to die out.
Well, maybe, but...
147
00:08:09,411 --> 00:08:11,970
No, not maybe, 98% of all
the species that have ever
148
00:08:11,973 --> 00:08:14,052
lived have died out eventually.
149
00:08:14,055 --> 00:08:17,414
That's very interesting Ben, but...
And in 50 billion years,
150
00:08:17,418 --> 00:08:20,137
a galaxy called Andromeda
is going to collide with us
151
00:08:20,140 --> 00:08:23,179
and annihilate the universe!
That'll definitely kill us.
152
00:08:23,182 --> 00:08:25,661
Well, we won't worry about that,
after all,
153
00:08:25,665 --> 00:08:27,304
that is 50 billion years away.
154
00:08:27,306 --> 00:08:30,145
Yeah, but a comet could hit us
in two minutes. Or now!
155
00:08:30,148 --> 00:08:34,307
All right Ben, that's enough. Or
now! All right, Lucy, deep breaths.
156
00:08:34,312 --> 00:08:36,311
We wouldn't see it,
because most of them
157
00:08:36,313 --> 00:08:38,392
don't reflect light.
LUCY GASPS
158
00:08:38,395 --> 00:08:41,474
Get your inhaler, Lucy. Or
a supernova could X-ray us to death.
159
00:08:41,478 --> 00:08:43,517
Ben! We wouldn't see that either.
Quiet!
160
00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:46,239
It'd be like being
put in a huge microwave.
161
00:08:46,242 --> 00:08:49,081
OK, head between the legs, Lucy.
As for a super asteroid.
162
00:08:49,084 --> 00:08:52,483
One more and you're in detention.
Here we go.
163
00:08:52,487 --> 00:08:55,446
The tellers of truth are always
silenced. Detention!
164
00:08:55,450 --> 00:08:57,849
See? It's Galileo all over again.
165
00:08:57,852 --> 00:09:01,211
It's like having a stalker!
166
00:09:01,214 --> 00:09:05,414
No Archie,
no, you've had your food.
167
00:09:06,539 --> 00:09:08,859
No, don't give me the eyes.
168
00:09:11,023 --> 00:09:12,423
Don't give me the eyes!
169
00:09:13,985 --> 00:09:18,744
No, Archie.
All right, one last one.
170
00:09:18,749 --> 00:09:21,028
OK, Jake! Ready!
171
00:09:21,031 --> 00:09:23,950
Ready for...what the hell is that?!
172
00:09:23,954 --> 00:09:26,633
Come on, Arsenal v Spurs,
local derby.
173
00:09:26,636 --> 00:09:30,435
What is it? This is the game I
played when I was growing up,
174
00:09:30,439 --> 00:09:33,158
Subbuteo, I've been meaning to get
this out for ages.
175
00:09:33,161 --> 00:09:36,560
Subbuteo? Why do all
your games have the stupidest names?
176
00:09:36,564 --> 00:09:40,523
Subbuteo? Yeah. That's not even
a word. Yes, it is. It's Latin.
177
00:09:40,528 --> 00:09:44,127
It means I...subute. Anyway, look
I'll take you through the rules.
178
00:09:44,131 --> 00:09:47,090
No, I'm not playing this, it's
too...budget.
179
00:09:47,093 --> 00:09:49,052
Budget? Come on, this is a great
game!
180
00:09:49,055 --> 00:09:51,174
Well, it's not realistic like FIFA,
is it?
181
00:09:51,176 --> 00:09:53,455
That is where you're wrong,
because this, in fact,
182
00:09:53,458 --> 00:09:57,177
this is a far realistic
representation of football. HE SNIGGERS
183
00:09:57,182 --> 00:09:59,181
What?
No, yes, it is, because look,
184
00:09:59,183 --> 00:10:02,902
on PlayStation, all you do, is
get to control one player at a time
185
00:10:02,906 --> 00:10:06,625
and all the other players just
charge around randomly like... England.
186
00:10:06,629 --> 00:10:09,988
Whereas in Subbuteo,
it's all about tactics.
187
00:10:09,992 --> 00:10:12,831
FIFA is... It's all about
moving players and positioning them.
188
00:10:12,835 --> 00:10:14,594
FIFA's realistic, Dad.
189
00:10:14,596 --> 00:10:16,675
If you think that, I am really
worried,
190
00:10:16,678 --> 00:10:20,837
cos that means we'll bring
through a whole generation of young players
191
00:10:20,841 --> 00:10:25,840
who can only run jerkily,
in completely straight lines,
192
00:10:25,846 --> 00:10:28,005
who often leave the ball behind them
193
00:10:28,007 --> 00:10:32,887
and then occasionally turn through
180 degrees for no apparent reason.
194
00:10:34,653 --> 00:10:36,292
Archie, bed.
195
00:10:36,294 --> 00:10:38,533
No more food.
196
00:10:38,536 --> 00:10:40,895
In your bed, in your bed.
197
00:10:40,898 --> 00:10:42,097
Bed!
198
00:10:42,099 --> 00:10:43,858
Archie.
199
00:10:43,861 --> 00:10:45,740
Archie?! In your bed!
200
00:10:45,742 --> 00:10:48,541
FIFA's not realistic.
It's more realistic than this.
201
00:10:48,545 --> 00:10:52,504
When Arsenal and Spurs play each
other, they don't have two teams
202
00:10:52,508 --> 00:10:55,827
of gay-looking clones, standing
with their feet in big blocks
203
00:10:55,831 --> 00:10:59,990
of cement and the goalie with a huge
long stick coming out of his arse.
204
00:10:59,994 --> 00:11:02,753
Well, there's this thing called
imagination.
205
00:11:02,757 --> 00:11:05,476
It's like a computer, only cheaper.
Oh, for...
206
00:11:05,479 --> 00:11:07,958
Jesus! That's the ball?!
207
00:11:07,961 --> 00:11:10,720
Yeah. It'd crush them to death.
No, it's just a...
208
00:11:10,723 --> 00:11:13,002
It's like the ball that chases
Indiana Jones.
209
00:11:13,005 --> 00:11:17,284
Go to bed. In your bed! Archie! Bed!
210
00:11:17,289 --> 00:11:19,249
Bed, Archie.
211
00:11:20,492 --> 00:11:22,571
Archie, bed.
212
00:11:22,573 --> 00:11:23,772
Bed!
213
00:11:23,774 --> 00:11:28,253
You're just running scared.
OK, I'll beat you at your stupid game. Ah, I don't think so.
214
00:11:28,258 --> 00:11:31,657
You see I won our Scout troop
Subbuteo cup five years out of six.
215
00:11:31,661 --> 00:11:36,620
It would've been six out of six,
but I accidentally trod on Jimmy Greaves and he snapped in half.
216
00:11:36,625 --> 00:11:38,305
He was never the same after that.
217
00:11:39,948 --> 00:11:43,667
OK! Game's over! In you come!
Come on!
218
00:11:43,671 --> 00:11:45,031
OK!
219
00:11:46,273 --> 00:11:48,032
Where's Ben?!
220
00:11:48,035 --> 00:11:49,915
Has anyone seen Ben?
221
00:11:51,398 --> 00:11:55,037
OK, who was the
last person to see Ben?
222
00:11:55,041 --> 00:11:56,520
BEN!
223
00:11:56,522 --> 00:11:58,641
Wooargghhh!
THEY SCREAM
224
00:11:58,644 --> 00:12:00,764
Ben! For f...
225
00:12:02,927 --> 00:12:06,926
OK, everyone,
keep back, give Lucy some space.
226
00:12:06,931 --> 00:12:09,690
I haven't killed her, have I? No.
I know first aid.
227
00:12:09,693 --> 00:12:11,692
She's fine, get back.
228
00:12:11,695 --> 00:12:15,495
I took a course.
Step AWAY from Lucy!
229
00:12:16,539 --> 00:12:17,898
In your bed!
230
00:12:17,900 --> 00:12:20,219
No more food!
231
00:12:20,222 --> 00:12:22,261
Archie, bed!
232
00:12:22,264 --> 00:12:24,344
Bed, Archie!
233
00:12:25,506 --> 00:12:27,186
Bed!
234
00:12:28,469 --> 00:12:30,349
Yay!
235
00:12:37,556 --> 00:12:38,995
SHE SIGHS
236
00:12:38,998 --> 00:12:41,317
You have to flick your
player...thus.
237
00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:43,119
But it has to be flick.
238
00:12:43,121 --> 00:12:46,120
Not drag, not a scoop,
that's not legal and if you...
239
00:12:46,124 --> 00:12:48,323
PHONE RINGS
240
00:12:48,325 --> 00:12:50,124
Hello?
241
00:12:50,127 --> 00:12:53,846
Oh, hi, sweetheart, how's
the sleepover? Is that Karen? Yuh.
242
00:12:53,850 --> 00:12:57,129
She wants to come home,
I knew this would happen.
243
00:12:57,133 --> 00:13:02,132
Hi darling, is everything...
Everything OK?
244
00:13:02,137 --> 00:13:04,736
No, what's gravlax?
245
00:13:04,739 --> 00:13:08,538
Gravlax? Yes, Tanya's mum says we
were having gravlax
246
00:13:08,543 --> 00:13:11,862
and I don't know what that is.
Gravlax is salmon.
247
00:13:11,865 --> 00:13:15,104
Why don't they just call it salmon
then? Well, I...
248
00:13:15,108 --> 00:13:18,867
Anyway, I don't like salmon, it's
too orange, I don't eat anything
249
00:13:18,871 --> 00:13:23,710
orange, except for oranges because
they admit that they're orange.
250
00:13:23,715 --> 00:13:26,154
Karen, are you OK?
251
00:13:26,157 --> 00:13:29,396
And here come Cheltenham again!
That's a definite foul!
252
00:13:29,400 --> 00:13:30,959
No foul says the referee!
253
00:13:30,961 --> 00:13:33,720
Let's look at the video
replay. I've been filming it.
254
00:13:33,724 --> 00:13:37,563
Video evidence is not
allowed in the modern game by FIFA.
255
00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:39,126
Oh, come on, chopper!
256
00:13:39,128 --> 00:13:43,007
Give 'em a couple of knighthoods
they might think again. MOBILE RINGS
257
00:13:43,011 --> 00:13:45,810
Hello, mate.
258
00:13:45,814 --> 00:13:49,173
Yeah, yeah, that'd be cool.
259
00:13:49,177 --> 00:13:52,376
Hey, Dad, can I go to Mikey's
please?
260
00:13:52,379 --> 00:13:54,578
What, now?
261
00:13:54,581 --> 00:13:57,100
Yeah, he's got the boys over.
We're having a jam sesh
262
00:13:57,103 --> 00:13:59,582
and we'll probably finish
quite late so...?
263
00:13:59,585 --> 00:14:02,784
Well...well if that's OK
with his mum and dad...
264
00:14:02,788 --> 00:14:06,068
Yeah, it's cool. OK, I'm on
my way. Cheers, Dad, you're a star.
265
00:14:15,199 --> 00:14:17,878
Why don't you just borrow
a pair of high heels
266
00:14:17,881 --> 00:14:21,201
and then you can join in with
the other girls' fashion show?
267
00:14:22,204 --> 00:14:25,523
Well, look, darling, why don't you
just give it a bit longer
268
00:14:25,527 --> 00:14:28,927
and then if you want to come home
give me a ring, OK?
269
00:14:30,572 --> 00:14:31,811
OK, bye.
270
00:14:31,813 --> 00:14:34,572
Bye!
FRONT DOOR SLAMS Bye!
271
00:14:34,575 --> 00:14:37,014
Where's he going?
He's staying at Mikey's.
272
00:14:37,017 --> 00:14:39,056
You just said it
was OK? Just like that?
273
00:14:39,059 --> 00:14:41,498
They're just having
a jamming session.
274
00:14:41,501 --> 00:14:43,500
That's what he told you!
Sue, it's fine.
275
00:14:43,502 --> 00:14:47,261
There is something going on,
I can feel it. Feel it?
276
00:14:47,266 --> 00:14:50,785
Female intuition. Is this the same
female intuition that told you that
277
00:14:50,789 --> 00:14:52,508
Russell Brand was gay?
278
00:14:52,510 --> 00:14:55,509
Well, he's very feminised,
he wears women's shirts, it...
279
00:14:55,512 --> 00:14:57,232
Yeah, but he's not gay.
280
00:14:58,915 --> 00:15:01,954
I can't believe you didn't ask Jake
any more questions than...
281
00:15:01,958 --> 00:15:03,917
Look, can we just drop this?
282
00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:08,600
The next time he goes out I'll tag
him electronically or something...
283
00:15:13,207 --> 00:15:17,246
So...we've got the house to
ourselves.
284
00:15:17,251 --> 00:15:19,130
Yeah, looks like it.
285
00:15:19,132 --> 00:15:24,332
Just you and me. When was the last
that happened? Yeah...
286
00:15:25,738 --> 00:15:29,378
What shall we do then?
What did we do before we had kids?
287
00:15:34,545 --> 00:15:36,025
Did we do anything?
288
00:15:39,710 --> 00:15:43,149
Hi, Mr Hunslet.
Why are you smoking? Smoking kills.
289
00:15:43,153 --> 00:15:47,472
Look, look, look. "Smoking Kills".
Yes, thank you, Ben.
290
00:15:47,476 --> 00:15:50,915
Do you know what happens when you
smoke? You're going to tell me!
291
00:15:50,919 --> 00:15:55,838
It builds up all the gunk and
tar inside your lungs. Actually...
292
00:15:55,843 --> 00:15:58,402
Well, how old are you? I'm 59.
293
00:15:58,405 --> 00:16:01,804
Then, I reckon you'll live another
two years. Two years?!
294
00:16:01,808 --> 00:16:05,007
And also how can you ever hope to
get a girlfriend...
295
00:16:05,011 --> 00:16:09,010
or a boyfriend...or whatever you're
interested in. I'm married.
296
00:16:09,014 --> 00:16:15,373
You're married?!
I'm married, Ben. To a woman? Yes.
297
00:16:15,380 --> 00:16:17,499
Yes, well,
well how can she stand it?!
298
00:16:17,501 --> 00:16:19,700
Your teeth will start to go yellow.
Ben!
299
00:16:19,703 --> 00:16:22,982
Mr Hunslet, you're my favourite
teacher... I really like you...
300
00:16:22,986 --> 00:16:26,865
even though you DID refer me to the
Behavioural Support Unit. Ben, Ben,
301
00:16:26,869 --> 00:16:30,708
can I tell you, this is the first
cigarette I've had in seven months.
302
00:16:30,713 --> 00:16:35,513
Then, what made you start again?
Take a wild guess...
303
00:16:37,919 --> 00:16:39,958
Of course we did
things before the kids,
304
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:42,319
we used to do loads of great stuff.
305
00:16:42,322 --> 00:16:47,321
We used to have breakfast in bed,
we used to have baths in warm water,
306
00:16:47,327 --> 00:16:49,207
we used to have sex in the daytime!
307
00:16:51,170 --> 00:16:54,009
Did we? Yes.
308
00:16:54,012 --> 00:16:55,731
Are you sure? Yes!
309
00:16:55,734 --> 00:16:57,653
Are you sure that was me?
310
00:16:57,655 --> 00:16:59,575
We did it a lot!
311
00:17:00,818 --> 00:17:03,777
Well, anyway,
we've got the house to ourselves...
312
00:17:03,780 --> 00:17:06,300
we should do something.
313
00:17:08,464 --> 00:17:10,663
Goal! No. No goal!
314
00:17:10,666 --> 00:17:13,665
It was a goal! No! You
dragged it, instead of flicked it!
315
00:17:13,669 --> 00:17:16,868
I flicked it!
No, you dragged it! I flicked it!
316
00:17:16,871 --> 00:17:20,750
Please don't insult my intelligence,
Sue! It was a drag!
317
00:17:20,755 --> 00:17:23,394
This game is ridiculous.
Look at the size of the ball!
318
00:17:23,397 --> 00:17:26,036
That would crush the player to
death.
319
00:17:26,039 --> 00:17:29,999
Why's this family so literal? Jesus!
OK, my free kick, 10 yards, please.
320
00:17:31,724 --> 00:17:35,363
What are you doing? Well, that's
enough time for Jake to get to Mikey's,
321
00:17:35,367 --> 00:17:38,646
so you're going to ring to check
that he's really there.
322
00:17:38,650 --> 00:17:40,369
Why do I have to do it?
323
00:17:40,371 --> 00:17:44,770
Well, I can't do it, he'll think I'm
checking up on him. Well, you are.
324
00:17:44,775 --> 00:17:47,214
It's OK, I've thought of a pretext.
325
00:17:47,217 --> 00:17:49,696
You know Mikey's Dad, Stewart,
he offered you that
326
00:17:49,699 --> 00:17:52,458
James Taylor ticket and you couldn't
go, do you remember?
327
00:17:52,461 --> 00:17:56,500
Well, this is you ringing, to thank
him very much for his kind of offer.
328
00:17:56,505 --> 00:17:58,464
That was six months ago.
329
00:17:58,466 --> 00:18:01,225
Well, a belated thank you,
it's perfectly believable,
330
00:18:01,229 --> 00:18:04,628
you just thank him for the tickets,
make some small talk,
331
00:18:04,632 --> 00:18:08,031
and then, casually,
ask whether Jake is there.
332
00:18:08,034 --> 00:18:10,433
No, I am not doing that!
333
00:18:10,436 --> 00:18:14,395
Oh, hi, Stewart, It's Sue Brockman
here, I've got Pete for you.
334
00:18:14,400 --> 00:18:19,439
This is... Hi, Stewart, yeah,
Pete here. Look, Stewart...
335
00:18:19,444 --> 00:18:25,003
I've been meaning to phone you to
thank you for your very kind
336
00:18:25,009 --> 00:18:28,929
offer of the James Taylor
concert ticket.
337
00:18:30,293 --> 00:18:33,492
Yeah, you offered me
a ticket to James Taylor. Yeah...
338
00:18:33,496 --> 00:18:35,895
No, it was ages ago.
339
00:18:35,898 --> 00:18:40,017
Anyway I should've thanked you and
I didn't,
340
00:18:40,021 --> 00:18:44,220
so this is me thanking you.
341
00:18:44,225 --> 00:18:45,464
Thanks.
342
00:18:45,466 --> 00:18:47,225
HE MOUTHS
343
00:18:47,227 --> 00:18:49,707
(Small talk, small talk...)
344
00:18:51,191 --> 00:18:53,710
So, um,
did you see the England game?
345
00:18:53,713 --> 00:18:56,792
It's incredibly old fashioned,
isn't it?
346
00:18:56,795 --> 00:19:01,514
I mean, really he should be playing
Wilshere in the hole behind the front man and then...
347
00:19:01,519 --> 00:19:03,958
he'd find he's got far more width if
he need...
348
00:19:03,961 --> 00:19:06,320
(Casually, about Jake.)
349
00:19:06,323 --> 00:19:08,602
So anyway...is Jake there?
350
00:19:08,605 --> 00:19:11,045
OK, Stewart, yeah,
Sue would like a word.
351
00:19:12,969 --> 00:19:17,769
Hi, Stewart, no that's fine,
thank you, bye.
352
00:19:18,814 --> 00:19:20,693
What the hell did you do that for?!
353
00:19:20,696 --> 00:19:25,575
Well, why the hell did you make
me... PHONE RINGS
354
00:19:25,580 --> 00:19:29,900
Hello. Oh, hi, Karen.
..She wants you.
355
00:19:31,184 --> 00:19:32,863
Hi, darling. Everything OK?
356
00:19:32,866 --> 00:19:36,625
Yeah. I was just ringing to say
that the gravlax was fine
357
00:19:36,629 --> 00:19:42,348
and only pale orange, and I am
having a good time, cos I thought you might be worrying about me.
358
00:19:42,354 --> 00:19:46,833
Well, that's very grown up of you,
thank you. Tanya's house is amazing.
359
00:19:46,838 --> 00:19:51,117
Well, that's nice. It's much bigger
than our house. Right.
360
00:19:51,121 --> 00:19:55,920
And much cleaner.
Is it? Yeah, much.
361
00:19:55,925 --> 00:19:59,084
Well, Tanya's Mummy's got that
lovely Rwandan cleaning lady
362
00:19:59,088 --> 00:20:00,807
who comes in every day.
363
00:20:00,809 --> 00:20:04,928
And in the bathroom they have this
thing that looks like a toilet
364
00:20:04,933 --> 00:20:06,652
but actually isn't a toilet.
365
00:20:06,654 --> 00:20:09,573
But don't worry Tanya's mum was
very good about it.
366
00:20:09,577 --> 00:20:12,416
Plus they have two dogs here
and now we're going to play...
367
00:20:12,419 --> 00:20:15,138
Right, it's been great
talking to you, Karen,
368
00:20:15,141 --> 00:20:16,180
but I must crack on,
369
00:20:16,182 --> 00:20:18,861
I've got to start cleaning our tiny
little house.
370
00:20:18,865 --> 00:20:21,424
Bye. Is she OK?
371
00:20:21,427 --> 00:20:26,506
I don't like her being there with
those trainee WAGS and botoxed mum.
372
00:20:26,511 --> 00:20:31,510
Still, the good news is, I think
she may have crapped in their bidet,
373
00:20:31,515 --> 00:20:33,435
Right, your free-kick.
374
00:20:34,438 --> 00:20:38,037
TV: And now on BBC One and
BBC One HD, it's time for...
375
00:20:38,041 --> 00:20:43,321
Oh, stop banging on about HD!
What else is on?
376
00:20:44,646 --> 00:20:47,765
Panel game. Panel game.
HE FLICKS THROUGH THE CHANNELS
377
00:20:47,769 --> 00:20:52,008
Panel game.
Panel game.
378
00:20:52,012 --> 00:20:58,731
Friends. Panel...no, sorry that's a
police press conference. Panel game.
379
00:20:58,738 --> 00:21:04,617
Embarrassing Bodies, oh, well that's
not that embarrassing.
380
00:21:04,623 --> 00:21:07,302
Oh, no, hang on,
no that IS embarrassing.
381
00:21:07,305 --> 00:21:09,224
Hello, Archie!
382
00:21:09,227 --> 00:21:11,466
Who's a lovely boy?
383
00:21:11,469 --> 00:21:14,588
Yes, you are,
you're a lovely boy.
384
00:21:14,591 --> 00:21:16,950
Who loves you, Archie?
Who loves you?
385
00:21:16,953 --> 00:21:22,832
So, you're missing the kids a bit
then? This is the future. Hmm?
386
00:21:22,838 --> 00:21:26,197
This is what we've got to look
forward to in about ten years' time.
387
00:21:26,201 --> 00:21:31,920
You and me, an empty house... No.
No, it won't be like this at all.
388
00:21:31,926 --> 00:21:37,365
Won't it? No, we'll be out,
it'll be like one long holiday.
389
00:21:37,371 --> 00:21:40,450
Only without the guilt of having to
force the kids
390
00:21:40,453 --> 00:21:44,252
into the kids' club, imagine that,
enjoyment without guilt, Sue!
391
00:21:44,256 --> 00:21:46,975
I've forgotten what that feels like.
392
00:21:46,979 --> 00:21:52,618
Course they might still be
here in ten years' time. No. No.
393
00:21:52,623 --> 00:21:56,182
Jake will be finishing
at university, Karen will be
394
00:21:56,186 --> 00:22:00,865
starting university and Ben will be
in the Foreign Legion.
395
00:22:00,870 --> 00:22:04,229
We may not be able to afford to
send them to university.
396
00:22:04,233 --> 00:22:07,552
They may never leave.
Oh, Jesus, don't say that.
397
00:22:07,556 --> 00:22:09,395
That wouldn't be so bad, would it?
398
00:22:09,397 --> 00:22:11,917
PHONE RINGS
I think it would be quite...
399
00:22:14,962 --> 00:22:16,041
Hello...
400
00:22:16,043 --> 00:22:19,282
Mum, we just played this game of,
"Who's got the sexiest legs?",
401
00:22:19,286 --> 00:22:21,125
and I won! That's nice, darling.
402
00:22:21,127 --> 00:22:24,006
Just say if you want to come home
rather than stay over.
403
00:22:24,010 --> 00:22:27,169
No, I'm going to sleep in Tanya's
bedroom, she's got a widescreen TV.
404
00:22:27,172 --> 00:22:29,931
Cos I can easily come and get you,
it's no problem.
405
00:22:29,935 --> 00:22:33,014
And we just had this fantastic cake
that Tanya's mum made.
406
00:22:33,017 --> 00:22:34,216
She's very clever.
407
00:22:34,218 --> 00:22:38,857
Well, she was very clever
to ditch her first husband and marry an investment banker. What?
408
00:22:38,862 --> 00:22:42,501
Nothing, sweetheart, look,
I'm glad you're having a good time
409
00:22:42,505 --> 00:22:46,184
but if you need to come home,
give me a ring. Bye!
410
00:22:46,188 --> 00:22:48,067
CRASHING COMING FROM OUTSIDE
411
00:22:48,070 --> 00:22:51,869
Oh, God, that'll be the
fox at the bins again.
412
00:22:51,873 --> 00:22:55,033
How did he get that
breezeblock off the lid?
413
00:22:59,039 --> 00:23:02,078
Can you really not remember us
having sex in the daytime?
414
00:23:02,082 --> 00:23:06,122
Or are you just winding me up?
Of course I can remember!
415
00:23:13,171 --> 00:23:18,090
And as the boy laid in bed,
on the first night away from home,
416
00:23:18,095 --> 00:23:22,454
he didn't see the tentacles
of the gigantic mutated
417
00:23:22,459 --> 00:23:24,978
squid from Andromeda
creeping up on him.
418
00:23:24,981 --> 00:23:27,500
Suddenly!
He was snatched into the air,
419
00:23:27,503 --> 00:23:31,222
as he was propelled towards
the gaping maw of the squid's beak,
420
00:23:31,226 --> 00:23:34,905
he tried to scream, but he couldn't
because the squid had already ripped
421
00:23:34,909 --> 00:23:41,029
off his head and was now feasting on
the quivering guts of his corpse...
422
00:23:44,117 --> 00:23:45,437
The end!
423
00:23:49,081 --> 00:23:52,320
Have you seen Archie?
Out in the garden, probably.
424
00:23:52,324 --> 00:23:56,403
I think there's still one
patch of lawn he hasn't got round to poisoning with his urine.
425
00:23:56,408 --> 00:24:00,407
We've spoiled him rotten. Do you
think the Hendersons will mind?
426
00:24:00,411 --> 00:24:04,170
Don't know, we don't know what
they're really like, do we?
427
00:24:04,174 --> 00:24:06,773
We only met them
through Mick and Jean.
428
00:24:06,776 --> 00:24:09,375
Oh, I meant to tell you,
do you know what Jean did?
429
00:24:09,378 --> 00:24:12,937
She pretended to be a 15-year-old
girl and tried to friend her son
430
00:24:12,941 --> 00:24:16,820
on Facebook to check up on him
He spotted her straight away.
431
00:24:16,825 --> 00:24:20,425
Yeah, well she probably didn't
create a new email address. Yeah...
432
00:24:22,710 --> 00:24:25,989
PHONE RINGS
433
00:24:25,992 --> 00:24:28,631
Hello.
Is that Karen wanting to come home?
434
00:24:28,635 --> 00:24:29,914
Oh, hi, Mr Chowdry.
435
00:24:29,916 --> 00:24:33,955
Yeah...we are looking after
a Labrador at the moment.
436
00:24:33,959 --> 00:24:36,838
Well, he's in our garden, I think.
He's in your garden!
437
00:24:36,842 --> 00:24:40,401
Oh, crikey, I'm sorry, Mr Chowdry...
Archie! Archie!
438
00:24:40,405 --> 00:24:42,604
He must've escaped through
a gap under...
439
00:24:42,606 --> 00:24:46,005
Did you visit the nice people who
live at the back of our garden?
440
00:24:46,009 --> 00:24:48,529
Oh, I didn't know you keep
guinea pigs...
441
00:24:49,973 --> 00:24:56,613
Kept guinea pigs, right, yeah,
yeah, yep.
442
00:24:58,380 --> 00:25:01,499
And...when you say...
443
00:25:01,502 --> 00:25:03,341
savaged,
444
00:25:03,344 --> 00:25:05,864
what exactly do you mean?
Only the...
445
00:25:06,907 --> 00:25:10,467
No, no, I think that does
qualify as savaging, yep...
446
00:25:12,512 --> 00:25:16,951
I can hear your children scream,
blood everywhere.
447
00:25:16,955 --> 00:25:22,675
Look, Mr, Mr Chowdry, I'm so sorry.
I will come round right now and...
448
00:25:25,482 --> 00:25:28,561
OK, I'll come round in a few
minutes,
449
00:25:28,565 --> 00:25:31,604
once you've, um,
450
00:25:31,608 --> 00:25:35,727
finished burying them.
451
00:25:35,731 --> 00:25:37,691
OK, Mr Chowdry.
452
00:25:39,935 --> 00:25:42,495
Told you...wolf.
453
00:25:46,420 --> 00:25:50,219
The kids probably WILL have left
home in ten years, won't they?
454
00:25:50,223 --> 00:25:53,222
Yep,
and it'll be our ticket to freedom.
455
00:25:53,226 --> 00:25:55,705
I know it's a bit
of a rollercoaster having kids,
456
00:25:55,708 --> 00:26:01,268
but there isn't a single moment
I would have missed, not any of it.
457
00:26:02,554 --> 00:26:07,313
Not any of it? No. Not even
when they all had worms? Well...
458
00:26:07,318 --> 00:26:09,557
And their bottoms resembled
a scene from Life On Earth, you wouldn't have missed that?
459
00:26:09,560 --> 00:26:12,519
Well, maybe I... Ben projectile
vomiting into that fan? Well...
460
00:26:12,522 --> 00:26:16,721
Karen, the "C" word in the nativity
play? She didn't know what she was saying
461
00:26:16,726 --> 00:26:20,365
and anyway they should NEVER have
cast her as Mary.
462
00:26:20,369 --> 00:26:24,248
Jake and that business with the...
All right, all right, OK!
463
00:26:24,252 --> 00:26:27,211
DOORBELL RINGS
Oh.
464
00:26:27,214 --> 00:26:30,413
That'll be the Hendersons,
come to pick up Psycho Lassie.
465
00:26:30,417 --> 00:26:32,937
I can't believe Archie did that.
466
00:26:34,140 --> 00:26:35,979
I hope Ben's sleeping all right.
467
00:26:35,982 --> 00:26:38,662
HE SNORES
468
00:26:42,828 --> 00:26:46,587
SOME OF THE CHILDREN SOB
469
00:26:46,591 --> 00:26:49,910
Has he been any trouble?
Well, he was fine,
470
00:26:49,913 --> 00:26:52,472
until he discovered next door's
garden at the back...
471
00:26:52,476 --> 00:26:55,796
You little scamp. ..where there were
guinea pigs.
472
00:26:59,161 --> 00:27:00,480
Ah...yes, um...
473
00:27:00,482 --> 00:27:03,961
he's got a little bit of a thing
about small, squeaky mammals,
474
00:27:03,965 --> 00:27:08,524
I'm afraid. Yeah.
Did we not mention that? No.
475
00:27:08,529 --> 00:27:10,168
I thought it was on our list.
476
00:27:10,171 --> 00:27:14,530
No, I think we would have noticed
"squeaky-mammal murderer".
477
00:27:14,534 --> 00:27:17,133
So, anyway,
we've had to compensate the Chowdrys
478
00:27:17,136 --> 00:27:21,375
financially to replace the guinea
pigs so... Right.
479
00:27:21,380 --> 00:27:25,939
Mind you, it was foolish of them
to have guinea pigs wandering
480
00:27:25,944 --> 00:27:29,343
freely like that, they should
have been in a hutch.
481
00:27:29,347 --> 00:27:33,386
They were in a hutch. I had to give
him money for a new hutch as well.
482
00:27:33,390 --> 00:27:35,869
It was ninety quid in all.
ã90?
483
00:27:35,872 --> 00:27:37,232
Yeah...
484
00:27:38,514 --> 00:27:41,593
..for the loss,
485
00:27:41,597 --> 00:27:43,757
caused by your dog.
486
00:27:46,921 --> 00:27:53,880
Right. I mean, he is your dog, so...
Yes, no, he is our dog. Although,
487
00:27:53,887 --> 00:27:58,886
technically, he was in your care.
I mean, y'know, so...
488
00:27:58,891 --> 00:28:03,130
You owe us ã90. Right,
yes, understood, we'll drop it by.
489
00:28:03,135 --> 00:28:04,654
MOVIE PLAYS ON TV
490
00:28:04,656 --> 00:28:10,135
Why is Harrison Ford's wife always
being held hostage?
491
00:28:10,141 --> 00:28:14,340
Well, at least now we know what the
Hendersons are like... Eh?
492
00:28:14,344 --> 00:28:15,944
Doesn't matter.
493
00:28:17,627 --> 00:28:20,586
If the kids do leave
and it's just us here
494
00:28:20,590 --> 00:28:23,629
rattling around it'll be so...
495
00:28:23,632 --> 00:28:25,831
It's going to be...
496
00:28:25,834 --> 00:28:29,913
Well, it's going to be like this.
We'll be OK.
497
00:28:29,918 --> 00:28:32,997
It's so quiet...
it's not natural, it's...
498
00:28:33,000 --> 00:28:35,280
PHONE RINGS
499
00:28:37,324 --> 00:28:38,723
Mum! It's me! I...
500
00:28:38,725 --> 00:28:41,485
Want to come home!
No problem, I'm on my way!
501
00:28:41,535 --> 00:28:46,085
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