Original subtitles

So I told Darren's mum, I said,

"Listen, your son is three years older than Karen

and clearly, he's been taking advantage of her playing swapsies

and I think that he should give those cards back to her."

And do you know what she said?

She said he didn't have to give the cards back

because it was a swapsies no refund.

But I said, "Ah, ah. Now.

Karen said that she had called time-out."

And she said that Karen had locked the time-out.

I mean, how ridiculous is that?

Since when do you have to lock a time-out on a no-refund swapsies?

I know! I know! It's madness.

All me and Ibrahim were doing were re-enacting

the running of the bulls at Pamplona.

And quite a lot of the girls got trampled, didn't they?

It was only a pretend trample.

We didn't actually step on them.

That's not what the school said or I wouldn't have had a letter about it.

We just knocked them on the floor.

We were bulls and charging with our horns.

Did you help them up? No, cos we're bulls!

We don't have hands.

So I said, "Your boy has got to give those cards back to Karen."

And she said he'd give them back over her dead body,

so I said, "Well, that can be arranged."

Do you know what she said?

She said, technically she could go to the police

because that was a form of assault.

Yeah. Yeah!

Stupid cow.

Ben, just write the note saying sorry like Mrs Bassong said.

And I'll make 17 photocopies.

Well, clearly, she...

Take that stupid mask off.

Mum seems pretty fired up at the moment.

Yeah.

Haven't seen her this angry

since she looked at that satellite photograph

of our house on Google Earth...

and spotted Ben on the roof. Yeah, well...

Can we just drop...

And you broke your wedding promises.

Well- You made lots of promises

and I'm pretty sure one of them was NOT kissing other women.

Well, kissing wasn't specific...

The vicar is going to be furious.

Yeah, well, he doesn't know about it, does he?

Well, no. Not yet.

Well, you don't know who the vicar was.

I can find out.

Look, Karen, you've got to get ready for your concert. Off you go.

There, happy now?

That's good.

I mean, "I am sorry, OK?"

Followed by lots of exclamation marks

is not the most gracious of apologies

but that's good - you've got to learn

that you are responsible for your own actions. But am I?

Well...yes, you are.

Most of what I am I get from my genes, right?

Which is you.

And the rest of what I am, I get from my environment...

which is you.

So whichever way you look at it,

everything I do is down to you. No, that's not...

Including all the naughty bits. He's got a point there.

No, Jake. He has not got a point there.

Is Daddy coming to my concert?

No, Daddy's got to stay here

because he didn't organise a babysitter like he promised.

I'm 13, we don't need a babysitter.

Well, legally, you do.

You're supposed to have a grownup with you.

Or, failing that, your father.

Look, Sue, obviously, I know that I'm to blame

but I just think it's important for the children

that we can resolve our disputes

in a calm and measured way.

Did you fancy her? What?

Did you...fancy her?

Oh, you know what it's like when you're that drunk.

Your body waves your brain goodbye

and your body is a lot less... fussy than your brain.

So in that brain-free moment, probably,

I suppose I did fancy her

but then I fancied every woman in that room.

You fancied every woman in the room.

No, no, that came out wrong.

What I meant...

You tosser, Pete.

So...are you allowed to break promises if you're drunk?

Well, I don't...

For instance, could Maisie's dad say to the judge,

"I'm sorry I came within a mile of Maisie's house,

but I'd had a lot of beer."

No, no, I don't think he could. No.

Was the first time you kissed Mummy were you drunk?

Yes. Yes, I was, but not...

But then, say...

I was drunk the first time I kissed her

but then...later, I wasn't drunk at all

and I fell in love with her.

But then that might happen with the other person that you kissed.

No, because that really was a mistake, Karen. That...

But if that was a mistake, then everything could be a mistake

and then, in the end, you have loads and loads of wives

and girlfriends.

What's this?

It's the news, Ben.

What's that? It's about rising sea levels.

See? That's why we shouldn't move.

It'd be really cool!

Cos in, like, 15 to 20 years' time,

we'd have a riverside property

and I'd be able to sit in my bedroom and fish

and I'd be able to get stuff out like barracudas

and piranhas and sharks!

I'm just trying to watch this.

And I'd get much longer hair and a really long, straggly beard

and I'd talk to a pineapple.

Why's that man wearing a dress?

It's not a dress and it's the Pope.

It's his robe.

That can't be the Pope because the Pope wears barbed wire pants

and kills anybody who knows that Jesus had children.

That was just a film, Ben, you weren't supposed to watch...

The Pope may look nice but actually, he drives around

in big, black limousines and he knows kung-fu.

And then there's the Pope's really, really cool mates

who are, like, albino monks

who have shotguns and snipers

and they are assassins!

When you're drunk, do you see pink elephants?

No. Dumbo did.

Yeah, well, he's a cartoon elephant.

Alcohol probably affects him differently.

Look, you're still not ready for your concert. Off you go.

Exactly! Exactly!

So he wears barbed wire pants and he kills...

I'm sure he actually doesn't. Yes, he does, and he's wearing them.

Otherwise, why would he have that expression on his face?

Don't be stupid. Who's that other bloke wearing a dress?

It's the Prime Minister of Germany.

Um...Angela someone or other.

Who's that woman with that black thing over her head?

That's the burqa, Ben. She wears it because she's a Muslim.

Do boys wear them?

Because it'd be cool at school cos you could text under there.

Not listening, Ben.

You could change your pants and nobody would know.

No-one's listening. Watch Star Wars episodes on a portable DVD player

and the teacher wouldn't notice and you could be on the laptop.

I'd love a burqa.

Oh, God! What the hell is that? OH!

It's just a special kind of kiss, a French kiss.

Never going to France if they do that there.

What the hell is wrong with him? He a vampire?

No, he obviously just likes her quite a bit.

The only reason I came in here was to watch the TV!

This is what's on TV and if you don't like it, you're gay, go away.

We got 100 channels - I'm not gay! We got 100 channels!

If you don't want to watch it, go and watch something else.

I'm watching this.

Listen, Sue...

Let's just drop it, shall we? OK...

Just answer me this. Thought we were dropping it.

When you were snogging that woman, what were you thinking?

I've told you. I was drunk.

No, literally what were you thinking?

This is a bit of a blind alley.

Do you? I don't. I happen to think it's a very important alley.

While you were playing tongue hockey with a woman,

who was at best a passing acquaintance,

what exactly were you feeling?

I don't know! I suppose, I was flattered.

Flattered?

You know, flattered that she wanted me?

Well, you must've been giving off a signal.

No, that is total- Hello, darling.

All right?

Well, actually, no. I'm nervous about the concert.

Oh, don't be nervous, sweetheart. You'll be fine.

I hate playing the triangle

because I've got this note at the end

and it goes DING all on my own.

If I forget it, it will never end

and that's a big responsibility.

Yeah, well, you'll be all right.

And you know why? Because you are a star.

So go get ready, star.

Go on. Good girl.

I was not giving a signal, OK?

I was drunk!

Have you heard of something called self-control?

I was drunk! I've seen you do appalling things when you're drunk.

That's not relevant.

I have seen you flash your breasts at a minibus full of nuns.

Oh, not that again. I was on medication.

I've seen you try to ride highland cattle!

Pogo into a canal! I was a student.

Heckle Stephen Hawking!

Yes, but you've never seen me get off with someone else, have you?

I was not "getting off" with her!

Do you know what really hacks me off, Pete? I'll tell you.

It's all those times when a man has come onto me

and I've thought, "No, I'm married."

All those opportunities that I've let pass

because I take my marriage seriously.

Has that happened a lot, then?

Yeah. A hell of a lot.

More times than I can remember.

In fact, only last week, the man from the garage made a pass at me.

What man at the garage?

That young, good-looking one from Cyprus.

Costa? He's gay.

Yeah, well, you didn't see the look he gave me

when he asked me if I wanted a full service.

Oh, this is ridiculous! Then there's your mate Clive.

Clive?

What? My best man Clive?

Yeah.

He made a pass at me at your 40th birthday and I was drunk.

You know what? I wish I had followed him into the shed now.

Well...

Has anyone got anything I could use as a grappling hook?

Oh, no... His Bear Grylls game.

I do not want him scaling the north face of the bedroom cupboard again.

Come on, Karen! We're going to be late!

Gosh, she's only sent me a bloody email.

Ben, not the Bear Grylls game!

Subject - The rules of swapsies.

Page one of four?

Ben!

Well, that first one's rubbish for a start.

Silly bitch. Ben? Can you hear me?

Can you help me with my 1,000-piece Sahara jigsaw puzzle?

1,000-piece? Um...

Just you keep promising to, then you never do!

Well, he shouldn't keep disappointing you, darling,

but at least you haven't had 20 years of it.

Avalanche!

God...

This makes me the first man to climb Everest backwards,

without oxygen, or even a jumper.

What are you watching?

It's Michael McIntyre.

Why have you got the sound off?

It's Michael McIntyre.

Just waiting for the news to come on.

Is that...?

I hate these phones, they're like nomads, they just...

Hello? Oh, hi.

It's your mate Clive, Dad.

Oh, yes, my "mate" Clive.

Do you want to speak to him then?

Nah, I don't think so.

Shall I tell him you'll call him back?

No.

Well, shall I tell him you're busy?

Yeah, tell him I'm in the shed.

Hello, Clive?

Yeah, sorry, he's busy at the moment.

He's, um... He's in the shed.

All right, then.

Bloody thing.

And as I have no saw, I have no other choice

than to bite off my frost-bitten toes.

Raah. Ooh!

Is fun.

There you are. Look, Dad, that was Mum on the phone,

and she says you've got to keep calm. Keep calm?

She said, "Tell Dad he's got to keep calm,

and not to panic, cos everything's going to be OK."

If everything's going to be OK, why do I need to keep calm?

Karen's been knocked down.

Oh, my God!

Its OK, seriously, Karen's OK, Mum's at the hospital with her now,

and you can't ring her because she's in the hospital

and she's not allowed to use the mobile in the hospital,

but she says, "Everything's OK, don't worry, stay calm,"

and she'll give us a ring again in a little bit. She's been...

She said the main thing was to stay calm.

Yes, I get that bit, Jake!

I'm sorry, Jake, I didn't mean to snap.

Mum said Karen's OK, she wouldn't have said that if it wasn't true.

Yeah, but- Don't worry. What's going on?

Um, it's Karen.

She's had a bit of an accident, but she's...OK apparently.

Has she gone down to the hospital? Yes.

Yes. The same hospital that I always get taken to?

Yeah. The one with the nurse who says I should have a loyalty card?

Yes. You did put the handset back on the cradle, didn't you?

Yes, Dad, but you go have a sit down and I'll get you a cup of tea.

So Karen's definitely OK, then?

Yeah, that's what Mum says

although it's all a little vague at the moment, so...

Have we got anything we can use as a dead camel?

What?

Only I need something to use as a dead camel,

so I can hollow out its insides where its guts used to be,

climb in and protect myself

from the freezing cold winds of the desert night.

Not now, Ben, please. I've only just cleared up the avalanche.

I'll get it! It was snow loosened by the morning sun.

It was furniture. Loosened by you.

With a long piece of str...

Hang on.

Hello. It's me about the speed bumps.

It's OK, I'm dealing with this.

Oh, yes, the...uh, speed bumps.

Do you think possibly, you could call back...

Would you like to see my artist's impression

of what these monstrosities would actually look like?

Not really, no.

Right, OK.

So can we assume you support?

It's just I'm not entirely clear as to your exact position?

My exact position?

Ah, yes, well, let me see.

I would say...

..that given that my child is currently in the hospital

having been hit by a speeding car...

You don't actually know that, Dad.

I'd say, on balance,

that my exact position

is that in order to slow down

all the...shrivel-cocked Jeremy Clarkson wannabes...

such as your good self...

who seem to feel that any speed restriction

is an abuse of their basic human right to drive like a pillock,

I would be in favour of speed bumps. Dad.

And as a further traffic-calming measure,

I'd also be in favour of rocket-propelled grenades

targeted to disappear up their stupid, complacent little arses!

There - is that entirely clear?

Thank you very much for dropping by.

Sue. Oh, hiya, what are you doing here?

The waiting at home was getting to me. How is she?

She's fine, she's in there, they're going to send her home soon.

It's just a few little small cuts and bruises

and they're giving her a tetanus jab.

Shouldn't you be in there with her?

Oh, no, no. She forbade it.

Oh, right.

Are you OK?

Yeah, I'm fine. Who's looking after the boys?

Kelly. What, KELLY Kelly?

As in beautiful, sexy Jake's- completely-obsessed-with-her-Kelly?

Yeah. No-one else was around.

So, what, what happened? What speed was the car doing?

Oh, I dunno. 20?

One second, she was by my side,

the next thing, she's running off out into the road.

The cliche is bang on.

Everything goes into slow motion

and you just stand there - helpless,

watching, waiting.

And the worst thing is knowing that it was my fault.

It wasn't your fault. It was, that was a busy road.

I should have had hold of her hand!

It's stupid, I got distracted, I was...

You were what?

I was arguing with Darren's mum

about the swapsies thing.

Oh, well, we all make mistakes, don't we, eh?

Do you remember that time

I challenged Jake to that race down Box Hill?

It's a lot steeper than it looks.

It's amazing he only broke his collarbone really

when you think about how many cartwheels he did.

Till hitting that sheep slowed him down.

And then there was the time Ben decided to spend the day being a rat

and I failed to notice him chewing through those wires.

He flew right across the room.

He quite enjoyed that. Yeah.

OK, boys, what shall we watch, any movies on?

Let's have a look.

Kelly, can I ask you a question?

No, you can't, Ben, you should be in bed ages ago.

Did you know... Ben!

..That sometimes, when men and women kiss,

they put their tongues in each other's mouths?

I'm so sorry, Kelly, he's just very, very immature.

Kelly, you know when you're waitressing

in that shop where you're a waitress in,

well, when somebody is rude to you or they annoy you,

do you gob in their food? Oh, for...

I gob in everyone's food.

Anyway, Ben, Kelly's only waitressing temporarily,

she's doing a PhD, she's a psychologist.

Is that right? I'm doing a PhD in psychology, yeah.

What's psychology? Is it the study of psychos?

Ah, well, we study...everybody?

Including psychos? Um...yeah. Ben, that's enough.

I really do think you should go up...

Who's the most psycho psycho you've ever studied?

Have you ever had any cannibal serial killers?

Well, cannibal serial killers isn't really my area of expertise.

I specialise in child psychology,

how children think and behave.

How they think?

Yeah.

But, you can't tell for sure what they're thinking,

I mean, for instance,

you can't tell what I'm thinking right now, can you?

No. Right.

But I could make an educated guess,

based on the things you say

and you'd be amazed how easily you can tell what someone's thinking

from their body language, especially their hands.

Aah, Drag Me To Hell.

Oh, no, it's a 15,

you can't watch that, can you, Ben?

No, but neither can Jake, he's 13.

I thought you said you were 16.

No. I said I'd be 16...eventually.

Just, in a year or...three.

Then there was that time I took Karen

out on that lilo in Herne Bay, do you remember that?

Yeah, that coastguard was very humourless, wasn't he?

All that stuff about the cost of helicopters.

So what I'm saying is, don't worry yourself about the accident

because...I've nearly killed the kids

loads more times than you have.

Cheers, love.

And as a psychologist,

could you steal my memory,

download it into a computer, then upload it into a gorilla,

so the gorilla thought it was me and then he turned up at my school

and made Miss Halliday take another month off school

because of her nerves? Could you do that?

Could you implant my memory into a gorilla?

No. I think you're confusing me with a mad scientist.

Will anybody ever be able to?

I don't think so. I mean we still don't even know what memory is.

Also, by definition memory is a very subjective and ambivalent concept.

Why do you keep speaking like that?

I mean, does memory really exist?

Personally I think it's just a story that we tell ourselves.

Yeah, I think that as well. OK, here's another question for you.

Not another one, it's way past your bedtime.

Just one. No, it's just going to be another stupid one.

If our personality is made up from our genes and from our environment,

then are we really to blame for what we do?

Well, that's a brilliant question actually, Ben.

Quite a few neuroscientists are starting to question

whether there is such a thing as free will,

and if that's true, people can't really be blamed for their actions.

Right, could you write that down for my dad?

Are you sure you don't want your mum to come in and sit with you?

I'm sure. She's being really annoying at the moment,

saying, "Oh, Karen, I'm so sorry.

Oh, I blame myself!"

It's doing my head in.

She's been all over the place

since Daddy kissed that woman on the lips.

Right.

Do you know my brother Ben? He comes to this hospital a lot.

Does he have curly hair? Yes.

Managed to get a sprout stuck up each nostril?

Yes, that's him.

Now then, Karen, this jab is just to protect you

against a nasty little germ called tetanus. Will it hurt?

Just a tiny little bit, and not for long

"Just a tiny little bit, and not for long."

Yeah.

"Just a tiny little bit and not for long."

Are you OK?

Yes, I'm just trying to remember exactly what you said.

Right.

For the last time, Ben.

Kelly is a psychologist, studying psychology,

so she doesn't know who would win a fight

between a vampire and a gorilla who thinks he's a schoolboy.

No, it's OK, let me think.

The gorilla who thinks he's a schoolboy versus a vampire. Yeah.

And does the gorilla have anyone else with him?

The gorilla could have kind of a dinosaur

who has the mind of a pig.

Really? A dinosaur with the mind of a pig? What if...

OK, that's enough, Ben, it's way past your bedtime!

I can't go to bed. Why not?

I'm worried about my little sister. No, you're not.

Yes, I am, I'm very anxious, look at my body language.

Come on, that is pathetic. You're obviously not worried about her.

Yes, I am! OK, OK, Ben. Jake's right.

You need to get to bed so I don't get into trouble.

One final question But...

Please? All right, then.

Can you wrestle?

You'll be fine with this, a brave little girl like you.

How do you know I'm brave?

Well, you got knocked down by a car and you didn't make a fuss.

Actually, I did. I screamed.

Well, I think that you're brave.

But you've no way of knowing that.

Yes, all right, fair enough.

Now this'll hurt a little bit.

Before you said that it would hurt a tiny little bit.

Did I? Well, a tiny bit,

yes, this will hurt a tiny bit.

But what if you say that it will hurt a tiny bit and it hurts a lot,

what will happen then?

Sorry, what do you mean?

If you say it'll hurt a tiny bit,

and it hurts a lot,

who do I talk to?

Who do you talk to?

Yes, you must have a system.

You don't need any system, because it's all going to be fine.

But the man on Watchdogs

says always complain to the most senior official

and keep a written log of your conversation.

Does he?

Well, we don't need to worry about any of that

because this will all be fine. Right?

OK.

"Just a tiny little bit and not for long."

Raah!

Raaah!

The winner of Rage in a Cage is me!

Woo! Yup, you win.

Now it's Jake's turn. What?

Jake's turn to wrestle Kelly.

No. I'm not wrestling, Kelly.

Yeah, I think that's enough wrestling.

Go on, wrestle her. No, shut up Ben!

Does Kelly scare you? No, Kelly does not scare me.

Jake's scared of Kelly! No, I- Boys.

Wrestle her then! Boys! Look. I'm not going to wrestle

Go on wrestle her. For God's sake, Ben.

I do not want to kiss Kelly!

I said wrestle.

Right.

Okey-dokey!

Well, um...it's getting late.

Perhaps you should both be heading to bed.

Yeah, I think that's probably best.

Is that our car alarm?

Yep.

Listen, Sue...

I am really,

from the bottom of my heart,

deeply, deeply, sincerely sorry...

..about the kiss.

What kiss?

Thank you.

Something like this happens you realise

that the things you thought were important just don't matter.

It was just two drunks having a kiss...

happens every second all over the world,

counts for nothing against a lifetime together, does it, mmm?

No. That's right.

But do it again and I'll rip your balls off.

Understood.

Oh, there she is! Oh, you gave us such a fright!

Hang on, I better check all your arms and legs are there.

Was she OK with the injection?

No, she was fine. She's a very confident little girl, isn't she?

Yes, yes she is.

Very interested in the law.

I know, sorry about that.

When I get home, I want to do my 1,000-piece Sahara jigsaw puzzle.

Like, you and me do it together.

OK.

When she did the injection, it felt bruisey,

is that suppose to ha...

Yes. Yes.

That's supposed to happen.

Right, well if you'll excuse me, buh-bye, Karen.

Bye. Right, missy, home it is.

Well, that was a big adventure, still, I'm glad my little girl's OK.

Mmm. Come on.

Daddy, you know the man who knocked me over? Yeah.

Was he Albanian?

No, Karen, he wasn't Albanian

and Albanians aren't responsible for everything that...

How long will he be going to jail for?

He's not going to go to jail, darling?

Oh, so we're just going to sue him?

No, we... Karen, just let it go.

Oh, no, but Mummy, you must never do that!

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