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1
00:00:00,150 --> 00:00:03,114
Ooh, Karen! Have you turned off
the hot water again?
2
00:00:03,126 --> 00:00:05,118
Don't you want to save polar bears?
3
00:00:12,190 --> 00:00:14,162
Die, infidel dog!
4
00:00:14,332 --> 00:00:15,964
Ben!
Aaargh! Pew! Pew!
5
00:00:16,050 --> 00:00:17,018
I've got a bit of a headache,
6
00:00:17,097 --> 00:00:20,552
so if you could just go easy
on the deafening roaring...
7
00:00:20,912 --> 00:00:22,952
Why's your face grey?
8
00:00:22,964 --> 00:00:24,952
I've just...
9
00:00:24,968 --> 00:00:26,952
You look like somebody
shaded you in with a pencil.
10
00:00:26,968 --> 00:00:31,968
I'm just... if you...
Just keep it down, OK?
11
00:00:32,984 --> 00:00:34,960
Karen! I can't hear any movement.
12
00:00:36,944 --> 00:00:38,928
Oooohhh!
13
00:00:38,940 --> 00:00:40,932
You haven't developed OCD, have you?
14
00:00:41,968 --> 00:00:43,916
No. The estate agent rang.
15
00:00:43,928 --> 00:00:45,948
We've finally got a nibble,
16
00:00:45,964 --> 00:00:48,932
and there's a couple coming round
this afternoon,
17
00:00:48,948 --> 00:00:53,952
so I've got to make this place clean
and tidy and presentable.
18
00:00:54,964 --> 00:00:58,912
Yeah, well, good luck with that.
19
00:00:59,952 --> 00:01:03,916
You're practising
for a game called Crusades?
20
00:01:03,932 --> 00:01:06,940
Yeah. At break time, I'm going to
be Richard the Lionheart,
21
00:01:06,952 --> 00:01:08,936
Ibrahim's going to be Saladin
22
00:01:08,952 --> 00:01:13,000
and all the girls are going to
play the innocent civilians...
23
00:01:13,912 --> 00:01:14,948
who get massacred.
24
00:01:14,960 --> 00:01:17,936
Right.
25
00:01:18,956 --> 00:01:22,000
You smell like that relief teacher
who didn't stay very long.
26
00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:26,908
The one with the shaky hand and who
always used to cry for no reason.
27
00:01:29,932 --> 00:01:30,968
This is solid.
28
00:01:30,980 --> 00:01:33,940
Oh, God,
29
00:01:33,956 --> 00:01:37,944
Ben hasn't been mixing cement
in the sink again, has he?
30
00:01:37,956 --> 00:01:39,920
The kitchen is very messy, Mummy.
31
00:01:39,936 --> 00:01:41,976
Yes, I know that, thank you.
That's why...
32
00:01:41,992 --> 00:01:45,964
Karen! You're still in your pyjamas!
Come on, chop, chop.
33
00:01:45,980 --> 00:01:47,924
No, Mummy,
I'm not going to school today.
34
00:01:47,936 --> 00:01:49,960
Oh, don't be stupid, darling.
35
00:01:49,972 --> 00:01:51,908
I'm not being stupid.
36
00:01:51,924 --> 00:01:54,984
Watch my lips.
I am not going to school today.
37
00:01:54,996 --> 00:01:57,948
Oh, really, and why is that?
38
00:01:57,960 --> 00:02:00,948
Because I'm scared.
39
00:02:02,944 --> 00:02:03,992
Scared?
40
00:02:04,908 --> 00:02:09,912
Raaaa! Pew! Pew!
41
00:02:13,000 --> 00:02:14,976
The point of...?
42
00:02:14,988 --> 00:02:16,924
Yeah. Why do we live?
43
00:02:17,940 --> 00:02:20,912
Well, I don't know.
44
00:02:20,924 --> 00:02:22,956
That is an enormous question
45
00:02:22,972 --> 00:02:28,924
that has puzzled mankind
down through the ages.
46
00:02:28,936 --> 00:02:29,980
OK, just asking.
47
00:02:30,996 --> 00:02:34,960
Raaaa! Pew! Pew!
48
00:02:34,976 --> 00:02:36,964
Oh.
49
00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:42,940
Why are you scared, Karen?
You like going to school.
50
00:02:42,952 --> 00:02:44,988
Yes, but today I'm staying at home
51
00:02:45,904 --> 00:02:47,996
because that way nothing bad
can happen to me.
52
00:02:48,908 --> 00:02:51,952
But what do you mean, sweetheart?
53
00:02:51,972 --> 00:02:55,948
Nothing bad's going to happen to you.
Why should anything bad happen to you?
54
00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:56,996
Because today is Friday the 13th.
55
00:02:57,912 --> 00:03:01,952
No darling,
that's just a silly superstition.
56
00:03:01,964 --> 00:03:03,912
Nothing bad is going to happen.
57
00:03:03,928 --> 00:03:06,968
But something bad has already
happened. My goldfish died.
58
00:03:06,980 --> 00:03:10,908
Uh... that was on Monday.
59
00:03:10,924 --> 00:03:14,000
Yes, the Monday in the same week
as Friday the 13th.
60
00:03:14,912 --> 00:03:15,948
Oh, that's ridiculous!
61
00:03:15,960 --> 00:03:17,956
It's not ridiculous.
62
00:03:17,972 --> 00:03:21,924
Friday the 13th is not an especially
unlucky day, it's just...
63
00:03:21,936 --> 00:03:22,972
Tell that to Mrs B.
64
00:03:22,988 --> 00:03:26,972
Her husband dropped dead
in Woolworths on Friday the 13th.
65
00:03:26,984 --> 00:03:28,932
Are you saying that's not unlucky?
66
00:03:28,948 --> 00:03:32,988
Well, no, dropping dead is...
quite unlucky, but...
67
00:03:33,904 --> 00:03:35,932
And it was unlucky for Woolworths,
as well,
68
00:03:35,948 --> 00:03:37,972
because not long after that,
they closed.
69
00:03:37,988 --> 00:03:40,960
But that was the reces...
Listen, Karen,
70
00:03:40,972 --> 00:03:43,920
Mrs B is a very nice, kind old lady.
71
00:03:43,936 --> 00:03:45,948
She just happens to be
very superstitious. Yes, but...
72
00:03:45,964 --> 00:03:47,928
And some of what she says...
she knows stuff,
73
00:03:47,944 --> 00:03:51,964
and she told me all the things
that can bring bad luck.
74
00:03:51,980 --> 00:03:56,916
Whistling in the house,
which you do all the time,
75
00:03:56,932 --> 00:03:58,916
and is probably why
my goldfish died.
76
00:03:58,932 --> 00:04:02,944
Karen, there is no connection
between... No, because...
77
00:04:02,960 --> 00:04:05,908
the death of a fish
and me whistling occasionally.
78
00:04:05,924 --> 00:04:06,972
When Ben broke the mirror...
79
00:04:06,988 --> 00:04:08,920
the same day...
That's...
80
00:04:08,932 --> 00:04:09,968
he cut his foot.
81
00:04:09,980 --> 00:04:11,916
Because the mirror fell on his foot.
82
00:04:11,932 --> 00:04:14,996
And you're always opening umbrellas
in the house,
83
00:04:15,912 --> 00:04:16,992
and that's probably why you...
No.
84
00:04:17,904 --> 00:04:18,984
Can't clean up all this mess.
85
00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:21,976
I can't keep the kitchen clean
because you lot create such... Mum?!
86
00:04:21,992 --> 00:04:24,976
Karen, look we...
I'm not going to school.
87
00:04:24,992 --> 00:04:27,000
You are going to school, now.
88
00:04:27,916 --> 00:04:29,992
If you're concerned about my...
Oh, no.
89
00:04:30,904 --> 00:04:32,000
Then don't make me go to school.
90
00:04:32,916 --> 00:04:34,960
If you don't believe in bad luck
then why...? What's all this about?
91
00:04:34,972 --> 00:04:37,920
Oh, she's refusing to go to school
92
00:04:37,936 --> 00:04:39,972
'cause it's Friday the 13th, and she
thinks something bad's gonna happen.
93
00:04:39,984 --> 00:04:41,984
Something bad WILL happen.
94
00:04:41,996 --> 00:04:43,932
Mrs B told me.
95
00:04:43,948 --> 00:04:45,972
Right, that's the last time
she comes to babysit.
96
00:04:45,984 --> 00:04:48,912
Let's not be hasty, Pete.
97
00:04:48,928 --> 00:04:51,988
Mrs B is a good babysitter.
She's great with the kids
98
00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:53,936
and very calm.
99
00:04:53,952 --> 00:04:55,916
And she's old and lonely,
so she's always available.
100
00:04:55,932 --> 00:04:57,996
Yes, but...
I like it when Mrs B comes.
101
00:04:58,908 --> 00:05:00,920
She shows me how to bake cakes
102
00:05:00,936 --> 00:05:02,916
and she reads me
lovely bedtime stories.
103
00:05:02,928 --> 00:05:03,964
See?
104
00:05:03,980 --> 00:05:07,988
And last time she came, she brought
her tarot cards and Ben got Death.
105
00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:09,976
Yeah, that was cool.
106
00:05:09,988 --> 00:05:11,924
Look, you're going to school.
107
00:05:11,940 --> 00:05:15,908
It's just another day. Nothing
especially bad is going to happen.
108
00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:16,956
How can you say that?
109
00:05:16,972 --> 00:05:20,000
You've already been sick
this morning in the toilet.
110
00:05:20,912 --> 00:05:21,968
Has he?
111
00:05:21,980 --> 00:05:24,912
Yeah, he was going...
112
00:05:24,928 --> 00:05:25,960
"Jesus. Oh, God..."
Yeah, OK, Karen.
113
00:05:25,976 --> 00:05:28,940
"Blaaaaa! Oh, God,
I feel terrible. Blaaaaa!"
114
00:05:28,952 --> 00:05:29,988
Yes, that's enough. We don't...
115
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:32,936
"Oh, God. Blaaaaa! Oh, Jesus."
116
00:05:32,948 --> 00:05:33,984
OK. Alright.
117
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:35,964
Oh, that's so unfair.
I wish I'd seen that.
118
00:05:35,980 --> 00:05:40,960
And I think Jesus only helps
poor people with diseases.
119
00:05:40,976 --> 00:05:45,928
I don't think he helps people
with bad tummies on Friday the 13th.
120
00:05:45,944 --> 00:05:47,988
Were there carrots in it?
Or like, were there any peas in it?
121
00:05:48,904 --> 00:05:49,976
Oh, OK.
Listen, you two...
122
00:05:49,988 --> 00:05:51,924
That's why I don't eat vegetables.
123
00:05:51,940 --> 00:05:54,000
Dad throwing up
has absolutely nothing to do
124
00:05:54,912 --> 00:05:55,964
with today being Friday 13th.
125
00:05:55,976 --> 00:05:57,936
All that happened was, last night,
126
00:05:57,952 --> 00:05:59,904
he went to a leaving do,
got paralytic,
127
00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:01,968
staggered home
in the early hours of the morning
128
00:06:01,984 --> 00:06:07,944
and fell into bed, stinking like a
brewery. That's right, isn't it, Mum?
129
00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:10,988
Karen? Karen, look at me.
You're safe to go into school, today,
130
00:06:11,904 --> 00:06:13,944
'cause I promise you
that Friday the 13th
131
00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:16,936
is no more dangerous
than any other day, alright?
132
00:06:16,948 --> 00:06:18,996
OK.
133
00:06:19,908 --> 00:06:21,932
That's not strictly true.
134
00:06:21,944 --> 00:06:23,952
Friday the 13th is more dangerous
135
00:06:23,968 --> 00:06:27,940
because it was Friday the 13th
when all those teenagers got killed.
136
00:06:27,952 --> 00:06:29,964
See!
137
00:06:29,980 --> 00:06:32,948
They were all camping by a lake...
Ben, that's a film.
138
00:06:32,964 --> 00:06:35,000
Friday the 13th, in the same lake
a few years ago...
139
00:06:35,916 --> 00:06:37,920
It's a film.
A boy had murdered his mother,
140
00:06:37,936 --> 00:06:40,908
and then... Film... his mum's spirit
comes to present day...
141
00:06:40,924 --> 00:06:41,992
Film.
And murdered all the teenagers.
142
00:06:42,908 --> 00:06:44,992
Ben? And all that happened
on Friday the 13th,
143
00:06:45,904 --> 00:06:47,980
so I shouldn't go to school either.
144
00:06:47,992 --> 00:06:49,956
Ben, it's a movie. It's not...
145
00:06:49,972 --> 00:06:52,908
Hang on,
when did he see Friday The 13th?
146
00:06:52,924 --> 00:06:53,988
That's way too scary
for a nine-year-old.
147
00:06:54,000 --> 00:06:55,976
It's not that scary.
148
00:06:57,996 --> 00:07:00,960
But when did...?
Maisie's sleepover.
149
00:07:00,976 --> 00:07:03,960
Oh, for... Karen, go and get changed
for school.
150
00:07:03,972 --> 00:07:06,948
No. I'm not going, and I mean it.
151
00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:09,964
AND I MEAN IT!
152
00:07:09,976 --> 00:07:12,928
I'm just in the mood, OK?
153
00:07:15,992 --> 00:07:18,904
So last night was worth it, was it?
154
00:07:18,916 --> 00:07:19,952
Oh, it was OK.
155
00:07:19,968 --> 00:07:22,944
How come you got so wrecked?
It's years since you've done that.
156
00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:27,924
Oh, I dunno. I got ambushed
by these bright green cocktails.
157
00:07:27,936 --> 00:07:30,928
Oh, well, that explains the toilet.
158
00:07:30,944 --> 00:07:32,952
Stupid.
It's not doing my stomach any good.
159
00:07:32,964 --> 00:07:34,912
What time did you get in?
160
00:07:34,924 --> 00:07:36,968
I dunno... er, three-ish?
161
00:07:36,984 --> 00:07:39,948
I did text you about midnight
to tell you I was gonna be late.
162
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:41,992
Oh, is that what it said?
163
00:07:42,908 --> 00:07:45,940
Well, it's difficult to text
when you're drunk.
164
00:07:45,952 --> 00:07:46,988
You lose control of your thumbs.
165
00:07:47,904 --> 00:07:50,912
Yeah, the last bit had nine
consecutive Ws.
166
00:07:50,924 --> 00:07:52,924
Sorry.
167
00:07:52,940 --> 00:07:54,952
You upset me
when you shouted at me.
168
00:07:54,968 --> 00:07:58,928
Did I?
Karen?
169
00:07:58,944 --> 00:08:01,956
Karen,
I know you're dawdling deliberately.
170
00:08:01,968 --> 00:08:04,000
I'm looking for my shoes, OK?
171
00:08:04,916 --> 00:08:06,904
Could they be these
shoe-shaped objects,
172
00:08:06,916 --> 00:08:07,952
here in the middle of the room?
173
00:08:09,920 --> 00:08:11,944
How am I going to
get this place tidied up
174
00:08:11,956 --> 00:08:12,992
before they come to view the...?
175
00:08:13,908 --> 00:08:16,996
Have you explained to the people
yet, that whatever happens,
176
00:08:17,912 --> 00:08:20,920
I will not be moving
and I will be staying on in my room?
177
00:08:20,936 --> 00:08:22,972
No, I thought I'd let that
be a lovely surprise.
178
00:08:22,984 --> 00:08:24,920
Now go and get dressed.
179
00:08:24,936 --> 00:08:27,908
When we move,
can we move to Australia?
180
00:08:27,924 --> 00:08:31,908
Because Australia is brilliant,
and they've got the two-step spider,
181
00:08:31,924 --> 00:08:34,960
'cause it bites you, and then when
you walk two steps, you die.
182
00:08:34,972 --> 00:08:37,924
Don't oversell it, now.
183
00:08:37,940 --> 00:08:40,924
Ooh, and do you know how kangaroos
keep cool in the desert?
184
00:08:40,940 --> 00:08:42,968
No. Well, they cover themselves
in their own saliva.
185
00:08:42,980 --> 00:08:44,992
Oooh.
186
00:08:45,908 --> 00:08:46,996
If we move to Australia,
we could buy a kangaroo,
187
00:08:47,908 --> 00:08:48,972
and then we could bottle its saliva
188
00:08:48,984 --> 00:08:50,920
and use it instead of suntan lotion.
189
00:08:50,932 --> 00:08:52,000
Bottle kangaroo saliva?
190
00:08:52,912 --> 00:08:53,948
It would be better at airports
191
00:08:53,964 --> 00:08:55,984
because they always
take your suncream,
192
00:08:56,000 --> 00:08:59,956
and glare at you a bit
and then give it back to you. Yeah.
193
00:08:59,972 --> 00:09:03,904
If you got the kangaroo with you,
they can't take the kangaroo
194
00:09:03,920 --> 00:09:04,980
'cause the kangaroo
doesn't want to be taken.
195
00:09:04,996 --> 00:09:06,996
So, you take the kangaroo
to the airport.
196
00:09:07,908 --> 00:09:08,944
What's this your printing out?
197
00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:12,904
It's just a really interesting
website I found on the internet
198
00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:14,904
about how the attack
on the Twin Towers
199
00:09:14,920 --> 00:09:16,960
was, like, orchestrated by George
Bush. It's for my history project.
200
00:09:16,976 --> 00:09:20,916
Well, that's not really history
as such, is it?
201
00:09:20,928 --> 00:09:23,916
That's more sort of... bollocks.
202
00:09:24,924 --> 00:09:27,904
Well, you don't seriously sign up
for this rubbish, do you?
203
00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:29,940
Well, I'm not sure
it makes total sense, no, but...
204
00:09:29,956 --> 00:09:31,964
Thank you... you've got to admit
there is something weird
205
00:09:31,980 --> 00:09:34,944
about the way
those towers collapsed.
206
00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:37,964
And there's this other spider,
which hides under your toilet seat,
207
00:09:37,980 --> 00:09:40,944
and then, when you go to the toilet
it jumps out and bites you.
208
00:09:40,956 --> 00:09:43,904
Going to the toilet's quite boring
209
00:09:43,920 --> 00:09:44,980
but this makes it
much more exciting.
210
00:09:44,996 --> 00:09:50,000
Hang on. There's a slice of pizza
down here. Is that yours?
211
00:09:50,912 --> 00:09:52,980
Is it a Margarita?
212
00:09:52,992 --> 00:09:54,936
Er... no.
213
00:09:54,948 --> 00:09:55,984
Ah then, it's not mine.
214
00:09:55,996 --> 00:09:57,992
No, Dad, that is crap.
215
00:09:58,904 --> 00:10:00,932
Hang on. How do these people at
216
00:10:00,948 --> 00:10:04,960
I'll-believe-anything-because-
I'm-a-gullible-idiot-dot-com
217
00:10:04,976 --> 00:10:08,912
explain the fact that
Osama Bin Laden went on television
218
00:10:08,928 --> 00:10:11,928
and said that he had attacked
the Twin Towers?
219
00:10:11,940 --> 00:10:12,992
Ah, but did he?
220
00:10:13,908 --> 00:10:15,984
Yes. Yes, he did.
221
00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:17,932
Jake...
The CIA could have easily...
222
00:10:17,948 --> 00:10:18,992
could you get that, please?
It'll be Melanie.
223
00:10:19,908 --> 00:10:20,972
She's going to take them to school
for me,
224
00:10:20,988 --> 00:10:22,984
so I've got more time
to get this lot straight.
225
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:25,912
When are you going to hospital,
so the doctors can
226
00:10:25,924 --> 00:10:27,988
put the camera up your bottom?
227
00:10:28,904 --> 00:10:31,904
Um, Monday. Why? Can you ask
if you can keep the film?
228
00:10:31,920 --> 00:10:33,976
Only, I'd like to take it into class
for Show and Tell.
229
00:10:33,988 --> 00:10:35,940
Show and...?
230
00:10:35,956 --> 00:10:38,988
No. I don't want everyone in your
school knowing about my colonoscopy.
231
00:10:39,904 --> 00:10:41,952
They already know.
Karen put it on Facebook.
232
00:10:41,968 --> 00:10:44,992
But... And Mum told all
the other mums at pick-up time.
233
00:10:47,916 --> 00:10:49,968
Well, not all the mums.
234
00:10:49,980 --> 00:10:51,920
It's not a secret, is it?
235
00:10:51,936 --> 00:10:55,992
No. I would just rather
it wasn't lead item on the news.
236
00:10:56,908 --> 00:10:57,952
Hi, Jake.
Hi, Melanie. They're on their way.
237
00:10:57,968 --> 00:11:00,940
- Right.
- Hi, Kelly, how's it going?
238
00:11:00,952 --> 00:11:02,936
So, how are you?
239
00:11:02,948 --> 00:11:03,996
Fine.
240
00:11:05,952 --> 00:11:08,944
Hear you're turning into
a bit of a star striker?
241
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:11,984
Look - see? Libra's facing
unexpected difficulties.
242
00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:14,924
That's proof that I shouldn't
go to school today.
243
00:11:14,940 --> 00:11:15,976
Astrology, Karen.
It's not proof of anything
244
00:11:15,988 --> 00:11:17,928
except human stupidity.
245
00:11:17,944 --> 00:11:19,976
Now, come on, move it.
You'll regret this.
246
00:11:19,992 --> 00:11:22,000
What happens if you
send me to school
247
00:11:22,916 --> 00:11:26,988
and then, on the way I get ripped
apart by ferocious huge bears?
248
00:11:27,000 --> 00:11:28,936
You'd be sorry then, wouldn't you?
249
00:11:28,948 --> 00:11:29,984
Yep. I'd be in pieces.
250
00:11:29,996 --> 00:11:31,996
And so would you.
251
00:11:32,912 --> 00:11:34,980
Keep moving. Thanks for this, Mel.
You're a lifesaver.
252
00:11:34,996 --> 00:11:36,948
Come on, Jake, shift yourself.
You'll be late.
253
00:11:36,964 --> 00:11:38,968
Come on, we've
got to get out of the house.
254
00:11:39,976 --> 00:11:41,948
Shift!
Yeah, sorry?
255
00:11:41,964 --> 00:11:44,928
And put your tongue in. We don't
want you tripping over it, do we?
256
00:11:44,944 --> 00:11:46,944
Hi, Melanie.
Hiya.
257
00:11:46,956 --> 00:11:48,956
Hey, don't forget your masterpiece
258
00:11:48,972 --> 00:11:50,988
on how George Bush
destroyed the Twin Towers.
259
00:11:51,904 --> 00:11:53,952
God, all that conspiracy stuff's
pretty daft, isn't it?
260
00:11:53,964 --> 00:11:56,908
At last, the voice of reason.
261
00:11:56,924 --> 00:11:58,916
Mind you,
there was something a bit weird
262
00:11:58,932 --> 00:12:00,924
about the way
those towers collapsed.
263
00:12:01,924 --> 00:12:02,972
Ahhhh!
264
00:12:02,988 --> 00:12:04,920
There. See?
Ben,
265
00:12:04,932 --> 00:12:07,932
don't go rushing off on your own!
266
00:12:07,948 --> 00:12:10,912
We don't want another letter
from the social services.
267
00:12:10,928 --> 00:12:11,960
Oh, good luck with the colonoscopy,
Pete.
268
00:12:11,976 --> 00:12:15,920
My brother had one.
Said it was fine. See ya.
269
00:12:18,956 --> 00:12:21,928
I expect she saw that on Ceefax.
270
00:12:21,944 --> 00:12:23,940
See ya.
Bye.
271
00:12:23,952 --> 00:12:26,936
Boys, we need to win this war.
272
00:12:31,924 --> 00:12:33,904
Oh, my God.
273
00:12:40,242 --> 00:12:41,440
Hiya.
274
00:12:47,309 --> 00:12:50,573
Sorry, wrong house.
This took me seven hours.
275
00:12:50,981 --> 00:12:52,609
Seven hours?
276
00:12:52,666 --> 00:12:54,734
Yeah, well, I lost the first hour
working out where to start.
277
00:12:55,501 --> 00:12:58,477
But I soon got cracking
and I found an old wasps' nest,
278
00:12:58,493 --> 00:13:03,477
your missing passport that we had to
replace and two German road signs.
279
00:13:03,958 --> 00:13:06,970
Cleaning Ben's room alone
took me three hours.
280
00:13:07,882 --> 00:13:08,970
You cleaned Ben's room?
281
00:13:09,882 --> 00:13:12,942
My God, that place looked like...
282
00:13:12,958 --> 00:13:15,922
the Apocalypse.
Where did you put all his crap?
283
00:13:20,946 --> 00:13:22,894
Right.
284
00:13:22,906 --> 00:13:24,882
How was school?
285
00:13:24,898 --> 00:13:28,938
Oh, we had the police in
with some handwriting experts,
286
00:13:28,954 --> 00:13:30,910
after the latest death threat
to the headmaster.
287
00:13:30,926 --> 00:13:33,886
I mean, personally,
I don't think it could have been
288
00:13:33,902 --> 00:13:35,906
one of our pupils
wrote those death threats
289
00:13:35,918 --> 00:13:38,918
'cause the grammar's too good,
290
00:13:38,934 --> 00:13:41,966
and the word disembowel
was spelt correctly.
291
00:13:42,882 --> 00:13:45,942
It was probably
one of the teachers...
292
00:13:45,954 --> 00:13:48,954
like last time.
293
00:13:49,954 --> 00:13:51,974
Ow!
You alright?
294
00:13:52,886 --> 00:13:53,922
Yeah. It's just...
295
00:13:53,938 --> 00:13:58,882
some clown clattered into me
last night during the dancing.
296
00:13:58,894 --> 00:13:59,942
Dancing? You hate dancing.
297
00:13:59,958 --> 00:14:01,942
I know, but I was too drunk
to remember that.
298
00:14:01,958 --> 00:14:04,894
Well, you didn't even dance
at our wedding.
299
00:14:04,910 --> 00:14:07,946
What sort of dancing was it?
What?
300
00:14:07,958 --> 00:14:09,894
Was it slow dancing, boppy dancing?
301
00:14:09,910 --> 00:14:10,970
It was just dancing to music.
I dunno.
302
00:14:11,886 --> 00:14:14,962
Alright, alright. Just asking...
303
00:14:14,974 --> 00:14:17,922
what sort of dancing it was.
304
00:14:22,974 --> 00:14:24,910
Hi, guys.
305
00:14:24,926 --> 00:14:26,970
On to Jerusalem!
Stay out of the kitchen!
306
00:14:28,890 --> 00:14:30,930
So, Karen,
did anything bad happen today?
307
00:14:30,946 --> 00:14:33,906
There's still time.
Stay out of the kitchen!
308
00:14:33,918 --> 00:14:35,926
Thanks for that, Mel. Were they OK?
309
00:14:35,938 --> 00:14:36,974
Oh, no problem.
310
00:14:37,890 --> 00:14:40,962
Oh, Ben's teacher said, can she
have a word with you tomorrow.
311
00:14:40,978 --> 00:14:42,942
Something about him and Ibrahim
kettling all the girls
312
00:14:42,954 --> 00:14:44,890
in the lower playground.
313
00:14:44,902 --> 00:14:47,914
Oh, not again.
314
00:14:47,930 --> 00:14:49,914
What the hell have you done
to my room?
315
00:14:49,926 --> 00:14:51,946
It's full of... floor.
316
00:14:51,958 --> 00:14:53,922
It's nice, isn't it? Stay out of it.
317
00:14:55,886 --> 00:14:57,942
And the kitchen -
stay out of that, too.
318
00:14:57,958 --> 00:14:59,922
You can go in there
but don't touch anything.
319
00:14:59,938 --> 00:15:02,882
Would you like to come in?
No, that's fine.
320
00:15:02,898 --> 00:15:04,978
Good luck with your buyers.
Thank you.
321
00:15:05,894 --> 00:15:06,938
Well, well, well, Karen.
322
00:15:06,954 --> 00:15:10,926
Friday the 13th
successfully negotiated,
323
00:15:10,942 --> 00:15:13,930
and miraculously you remain
unsavaged by bears.
324
00:15:13,946 --> 00:15:18,914
Why is Friday the 13th so unlucky?
Where did all that come from?
325
00:15:18,930 --> 00:15:20,974
Well, I think it's something to do
with the Last Supper, isn't it?
326
00:15:21,886 --> 00:15:22,922
Eh?
327
00:15:22,938 --> 00:15:24,922
Well, at Jesus' last supper,
Judas...
328
00:15:24,938 --> 00:15:27,942
made 13 at the table,
and Judas betrayed Jesus,
329
00:15:27,958 --> 00:15:29,962
who was then crucified
and I think...
330
00:15:29,974 --> 00:15:32,882
See, see, see? He was crucified.
331
00:15:32,898 --> 00:15:34,898
I don't think you can
get unluckier than that.
332
00:15:34,914 --> 00:15:36,886
No, but he...
You can.
333
00:15:36,898 --> 00:15:37,974
If you got crucified by accident.
334
00:15:38,890 --> 00:15:40,910
Just imagine.
It's a really lovely day
335
00:15:40,926 --> 00:15:42,942
and suddenly,
your shoe lace is untied...
336
00:15:42,958 --> 00:15:44,922
Ben...
and you're walking.
337
00:15:44,938 --> 00:15:47,978
Then you just go, like "whoah!"
as you fall onto a cross
338
00:15:48,890 --> 00:15:49,926
with nails sticking out of it.
339
00:15:49,942 --> 00:15:50,974
Then you crucify yourself
by accident.
340
00:15:51,890 --> 00:15:53,890
It would be really bad
if you just tripped.
341
00:15:53,906 --> 00:15:55,910
Think we may have gone off
at bit of a tangent.
342
00:15:56,910 --> 00:15:57,958
Hiya.
343
00:15:57,970 --> 00:15:59,906
Hi.
344
00:16:02,958 --> 00:16:05,930
Here.
No, please...
345
00:16:05,946 --> 00:16:07,930
let me do it. No, it's fine.
It's alright.
346
00:16:07,942 --> 00:16:08,978
It's OK. I don't mind.
347
00:16:11,906 --> 00:16:13,942
Here.
348
00:16:13,958 --> 00:16:16,902
There you go.
Thanks.
349
00:16:16,914 --> 00:16:18,950
Bye.
350
00:16:18,962 --> 00:16:20,910
Listen, Karen.
351
00:16:20,926 --> 00:16:24,890
Jesus was not crucified
on Friday the 13th.
352
00:16:24,902 --> 00:16:25,938
It was a Friday though, wasn't it?
353
00:16:25,950 --> 00:16:27,966
Yeah, it was Good Friday.
354
00:16:28,882 --> 00:16:31,930
Good Friday? That's a weird name for
a day which someone gets crucified.
355
00:16:31,946 --> 00:16:34,938
It should have been called
something like Ouchy Friday,
356
00:16:34,954 --> 00:16:36,910
or Oh-no-I'm-being-crucified Friday,
or...
357
00:16:36,922 --> 00:16:37,978
Ouchy Friday?
358
00:16:38,894 --> 00:16:39,958
So what date was it
when Jesus got killed?
359
00:16:39,970 --> 00:16:41,950
Well, no-one knows.
360
00:16:41,966 --> 00:16:44,930
So it could have been
Friday the 13th?
361
00:16:44,942 --> 00:16:48,918
No. Well, technically, if you...
362
00:16:48,934 --> 00:16:51,954
I bet it was. That's just the sort
of thing that would happen,
363
00:16:51,966 --> 00:16:53,942
especially as Jesus was a Capricorn.
364
00:16:53,954 --> 00:16:55,910
Oh, for heaven's...
365
00:16:55,926 --> 00:16:59,898
But he was born on Christmas Day -
that makes him a Capricorn.
366
00:16:59,914 --> 00:17:00,970
Jake!
367
00:17:01,886 --> 00:17:03,906
Don't go in the kitchen.
It's temporarily out of bounds.
368
00:17:03,918 --> 00:17:05,902
What, because of the bird?
369
00:17:05,918 --> 00:17:08,946
Sorry?
Yeah, there's a bird in here.
370
00:17:08,958 --> 00:17:10,898
A bird?!
371
00:17:11,942 --> 00:17:14,942
Oh, no, for God's sake!
372
00:17:15,978 --> 00:17:17,942
Awesome!
Oh, my God.
373
00:17:19,962 --> 00:17:22,926
Alright, everyone,
just stay calm, don't panic.
374
00:17:22,938 --> 00:17:24,934
It's just a pigeon.
375
00:17:24,950 --> 00:17:27,890
Well, what the hell is it doing
in my kitchen?
376
00:17:27,902 --> 00:17:28,938
Probably come in from the garden.
377
00:17:28,954 --> 00:17:30,950
Well, I didn't think it arrived
by email.
378
00:17:30,966 --> 00:17:33,890
Oh, my God, there it is.
Oh, my God, there it is.
379
00:17:33,902 --> 00:17:35,902
Alright, calm down, calm down.
380
00:17:35,918 --> 00:17:37,966
- It's an omen.
- Ben?! What?
381
00:17:38,882 --> 00:17:40,938
Mrs B told me that
if there's a bird in the house,
382
00:17:40,950 --> 00:17:42,890
there's going to be a death.
383
00:17:42,906 --> 00:17:45,942
Karen, that's just...
"One for sorrow."
384
00:17:45,954 --> 00:17:47,890
That's magpies, Karen.
385
00:17:47,906 --> 00:17:49,890
Yeah, and this is a pigeon.
Can we keep him?
386
00:17:49,906 --> 00:17:50,978
Of course, we can't keep it.
It's a...
387
00:17:51,894 --> 00:17:52,950
- Come on. Come on, Mr Pigeon.
- Ben?!
388
00:17:52,966 --> 00:17:54,970
We need to corral it
out the way he came in.
389
00:17:55,882 --> 00:17:56,942
It's only got one escape route.
390
00:17:56,958 --> 00:18:00,898
Well, I'm going up to my room. I do
not want to be the one who dies.
391
00:18:01,974 --> 00:18:03,906
She's a real team player,
isn't she?
392
00:18:03,922 --> 00:18:05,966
What's wrong with him?
Why's he staying in here?
393
00:18:06,882 --> 00:18:10,918
There's gardens out there,
with trees and grass and... sky.
394
00:18:10,930 --> 00:18:11,966
Perhaps he's agoraphobic.
395
00:18:11,978 --> 00:18:13,954
It's not funny, Pete.
396
00:18:13,966 --> 00:18:16,894
He's crapped on the computer.
397
00:18:16,910 --> 00:18:17,966
That's not funny either.
Yes, it is.
398
00:18:18,882 --> 00:18:20,962
We've got people coming to look at
the house in a few moments!
399
00:18:20,974 --> 00:18:22,938
Alright, alright, calm down.
400
00:18:22,954 --> 00:18:25,946
No, because the conventional way
to greet a potential buyer
401
00:18:25,962 --> 00:18:27,970
is with the smell of coffee
and freshly baked bread...
402
00:18:28,882 --> 00:18:30,902
not pigeon plop.
403
00:18:30,918 --> 00:18:32,922
Mum, don't worry.
404
00:18:32,938 --> 00:18:33,978
I've spent all day cleaning
this kitchen.
405
00:18:34,894 --> 00:18:35,958
I've got an idea.
We don't need an idea.
406
00:18:35,974 --> 00:18:37,930
We just need...
You see, David Attenborough says
407
00:18:37,946 --> 00:18:40,934
that pigeons have a bit of magnetism
in their brain,
408
00:18:40,946 --> 00:18:42,946
and that's how they get home.
409
00:18:42,962 --> 00:18:45,910
They track the earth's
magnetic field.
410
00:18:45,922 --> 00:18:46,958
You go round from that side.
411
00:18:46,974 --> 00:18:49,938
If I stood out in the garden
with a massive magnet,
412
00:18:49,954 --> 00:18:51,942
I'd be able to suck him
out the kitchen.
413
00:18:51,958 --> 00:18:55,882
We just inch... slowly...
Do we have a massive magnet?
414
00:18:55,898 --> 00:18:58,934
No, we don't have a bloody,
massive magnet!
415
00:18:58,950 --> 00:19:01,922
Don't shout,
because you'll just upset the...
416
00:19:01,938 --> 00:19:03,962
Oh, Jesus!
417
00:19:03,974 --> 00:19:06,974
There's marbles all over the floor!
418
00:19:07,886 --> 00:19:08,922
If we just leave the thing alone,
419
00:19:08,938 --> 00:19:10,922
it'll probably fly out on its own,
in the end.
420
00:19:10,938 --> 00:19:12,914
It's no big deal.
There are three of us.
421
00:19:12,930 --> 00:19:16,914
Look, we could just herd it
towards... What's that?
422
00:19:16,926 --> 00:19:19,914
It's a picture of a cat.
423
00:19:19,930 --> 00:19:21,922
Oh, for... Ben,
this isn't really a four-man job,
424
00:19:21,938 --> 00:19:23,942
so why don't you just go and play
in your bedroom?
425
00:19:23,954 --> 00:19:25,902
I can't. It feels weird.
426
00:19:25,918 --> 00:19:27,894
Ben, just...
427
00:19:27,906 --> 00:19:28,942
I'll get it.
428
00:19:28,958 --> 00:19:31,894
Oh, my God. That'll be them.
Alright, don't panic.
429
00:19:31,910 --> 00:19:33,934
Right, you stall them.
You show them the rest of the house.
430
00:19:33,950 --> 00:19:36,918
Jake and I will stay here,
and try and get rid of that thing.
431
00:19:36,930 --> 00:19:38,914
Or we could just explain it to them.
432
00:19:38,930 --> 00:19:41,906
Pete, I've spent hours,
invested hours, trying to make...
433
00:19:41,918 --> 00:19:42,954
Have you come to buy the house?
434
00:19:42,966 --> 00:19:45,130
Well, possibly.
435
00:19:45,172 --> 00:19:47,136
Well, you should
'cause it's fantastic,
436
00:19:47,227 --> 00:19:48,271
especially if you're a kid.
437
00:19:48,925 --> 00:19:52,037
There's loads of brilliant places
where you can hide for hours,
438
00:19:52,119 --> 00:19:55,163
until the adults start panicking
and screaming out your name.
439
00:19:55,175 --> 00:19:57,111
Right.
440
00:19:58,163 --> 00:20:00,111
And the most important thing of all
441
00:20:00,127 --> 00:20:02,095
is that while you're standing here
arguing,
442
00:20:02,111 --> 00:20:04,179
Ben is talking to them.
Oh, my...
443
00:20:06,175 --> 00:20:09,099
And another interesting thing is...
Sorry, sorry about that.
444
00:20:09,115 --> 00:20:10,159
In the basement.
Hi, I'm Pete.
445
00:20:10,175 --> 00:20:12,123
Tony. Fiona.
Hi.
446
00:20:12,139 --> 00:20:15,091
This is Ben. Yes, he's been
telling us all about the house.
447
00:20:15,103 --> 00:20:18,115
Has he? What's he been saying?
448
00:20:18,127 --> 00:20:19,163
That it's a fantastic house for kids.
449
00:20:19,175 --> 00:20:22,115
Ah, yes, of course.
450
00:20:22,127 --> 00:20:23,163
Well, would you like the tour?
451
00:20:23,175 --> 00:20:25,119
Right.
452
00:20:26,167 --> 00:20:28,115
This is Karen.
453
00:20:28,131 --> 00:20:32,147
You can buy this house if you want,
but I intend to stay living here.
454
00:20:32,159 --> 00:20:34,175
Oh, right.
455
00:20:35,091 --> 00:20:37,167
It wasn't my idea to move.
I wasn't consulted.
456
00:20:37,183 --> 00:20:40,147
Well, I'm sure mummy and daddy always
try and do what's best for you.
457
00:20:40,159 --> 00:20:42,127
No, I don't think so.
458
00:20:42,143 --> 00:20:44,115
This morning
my daddy didn't even seem to care
459
00:20:44,131 --> 00:20:48,175
that I could have been torn apart
by ferocious bears.
460
00:20:50,183 --> 00:20:54,139
No, that's not... that's not true.
461
00:20:54,151 --> 00:20:56,139
It's a long story. She was...
462
00:20:56,151 --> 00:20:58,123
Shall we start upstairs?
463
00:21:00,119 --> 00:21:01,167
It's just a bird.
464
00:21:01,183 --> 00:21:03,139
Now, the stupid thing's
nesting on my fridge.
465
00:21:03,155 --> 00:21:05,179
Look, Mum, if we panic it,
it might end up hurting itself.
466
00:21:06,091 --> 00:21:07,175
What is this? Pigeon Concern Week?
467
00:21:07,187 --> 00:21:09,127
Now if I, er...
468
00:21:09,143 --> 00:21:13,107
Eh, if I throw this hat on top of it,
maybe we can...
469
00:21:13,119 --> 00:21:15,147
No! It's bad luck to throw a hat.
470
00:21:15,163 --> 00:21:18,091
Mrs B told me.
No, she didn't.
471
00:21:18,107 --> 00:21:21,139
Well, it was something about hats.
Um...
472
00:21:21,155 --> 00:21:24,107
Might have been,
never throw a hat on a gypsy, or...
473
00:21:24,119 --> 00:21:25,155
She's doing my head in.
474
00:21:25,167 --> 00:21:27,155
Never give money to Albanians.
475
00:21:27,171 --> 00:21:29,103
That's not superstition.
That's racism.
476
00:21:29,119 --> 00:21:32,171
And it's green! That's unlucky!
Karen!
477
00:21:32,183 --> 00:21:35,099
Well, the neighbours are nice. Er...
478
00:21:35,111 --> 00:21:37,139
Transport's good. What else?
479
00:21:37,155 --> 00:21:39,187
Are you OK, love?
Yeah, I'm just a bit short of puff.
480
00:21:40,099 --> 00:21:41,167
Do you want a glass of water?
481
00:21:41,179 --> 00:21:43,155
I would, actually, yes.
482
00:21:43,167 --> 00:21:45,147
That boy's very special.
483
00:21:45,163 --> 00:21:48,179
Yes. That's the word
his teachers keep using.
484
00:21:49,095 --> 00:21:51,119
You two go on up.
I'll just sit here for a sec.
485
00:21:51,135 --> 00:21:54,091
You sure?
OK, Tony. Up we go.
486
00:21:54,103 --> 00:21:57,111
OK, well, this is the third floor.
487
00:21:57,123 --> 00:21:59,115
It's just more bedrooms, really.
488
00:21:59,127 --> 00:22:00,163
Ooh, baby's kicking.
489
00:22:00,179 --> 00:22:02,163
So,
you're definitely having a baby?
490
00:22:02,175 --> 00:22:05,115
Only, I don't like to ask.
491
00:22:05,131 --> 00:22:06,187
Not since I upset
that big, fat lady.
492
00:22:07,099 --> 00:22:09,127
Oh, right.
493
00:22:09,139 --> 00:22:11,143
So, your husband's black?
494
00:22:11,155 --> 00:22:13,139
Yes.
495
00:22:13,151 --> 00:22:15,103
But you're white?
496
00:22:16,107 --> 00:22:18,099
So, your baby could
be black or white?
497
00:22:18,115 --> 00:22:21,139
Um, well, yes.
Most likely something in between.
498
00:22:21,151 --> 00:22:22,187
But not stripy?
499
00:22:23,103 --> 00:22:25,131
No, I don't think
I'd like a stripy baby.
500
00:22:25,143 --> 00:22:26,183
Be harder to lose.
501
00:22:27,095 --> 00:22:28,187
Yeah, that's true.
502
00:22:29,103 --> 00:22:30,135
They sometimes have mix-ups
in the hospitals.
503
00:22:30,147 --> 00:22:33,107
Sometimes. Not often.
504
00:22:33,123 --> 00:22:35,107
Could you have a black-and-white,
spotty baby?
505
00:22:35,119 --> 00:22:38,091
Um... it doesn't really work...
506
00:22:38,103 --> 00:22:39,139
But you could call him Spot.
507
00:22:39,155 --> 00:22:42,107
Um, yeah, we were thinking, Peter,
but...
508
00:22:42,123 --> 00:22:43,167
You could have a black-and-white,
zigzag baby.
509
00:22:43,179 --> 00:22:45,119
Maybe as a middle name.
510
00:22:45,135 --> 00:22:47,119
Or a black-and-white chequered baby,
or puzzle pieces.
511
00:22:47,135 --> 00:22:49,119
I don't think so, no.
Triangles...
512
00:22:49,135 --> 00:22:52,127
Probably just the one colour...
joined together like diamonds.
513
00:22:52,143 --> 00:22:54,147
Not in a pattern. Or you could
have a football marking,
514
00:22:54,163 --> 00:22:57,091
like those big hexagons
all over its body.
515
00:22:57,103 --> 00:22:58,139
But Mrs B said...
516
00:22:58,151 --> 00:23:00,091
Karen, I tell you what.
517
00:23:00,107 --> 00:23:04,123
You make yourself useful by picking
up all these marbles off the floor.
518
00:23:04,139 --> 00:23:06,175
But I didn't spill them.
I'm not saying you spilt them.
519
00:23:07,091 --> 00:23:09,179
But who spilt them? 'Cause...
It doesn't matter who spilt them.
520
00:23:10,095 --> 00:23:12,103
Because whoever spilt them
should clean them up.
521
00:23:12,119 --> 00:23:15,115
I'm asking you. Doesn't matter who...
It does matter who spilt them.
522
00:23:15,131 --> 00:23:18,159
Say there was a massive ship
carrying all this oil, and then...
523
00:23:18,171 --> 00:23:20,107
Karen?
524
00:23:20,123 --> 00:23:22,187
Someone spilt it all,
and made all the puffins
525
00:23:23,099 --> 00:23:25,119
all sticky and gooey and horrible.
526
00:23:25,135 --> 00:23:28,091
Then they said,
"Doesn't matter who spilt it.
527
00:23:28,107 --> 00:23:30,095
Karen, you go and clean it up."
It does matter.
528
00:23:30,107 --> 00:23:31,143
Karen, please?
529
00:23:31,159 --> 00:23:34,147
But if babies were stripy
and spotty,
530
00:23:34,163 --> 00:23:36,123
then there would be no racism,
would there?
531
00:23:36,139 --> 00:23:37,171
Well, that would be nice,
wouldn't it?
532
00:23:37,187 --> 00:23:41,179
Or maybe the spotty people
would fight the stripy people
533
00:23:42,095 --> 00:23:45,103
and the chequered people,
and they'd just have great big wars
534
00:23:45,119 --> 00:23:47,171
of the stripy and spotty
and stuff like that.
535
00:23:47,187 --> 00:23:49,179
I don't think it's gonna happen,
but, um...
536
00:23:50,091 --> 00:23:52,143
And it's their responsibility!
537
00:23:52,155 --> 00:23:54,095
You need to do Mummy a favour.
538
00:23:54,111 --> 00:23:55,155
But...
You have to help me out here.
539
00:23:55,167 --> 00:23:57,151
Just pick up the marbles.
540
00:23:57,167 --> 00:23:59,183
But it's like you hammering a nail
into Daddy's head,
541
00:24:00,099 --> 00:24:01,131
What?
And then saying to Jake,
542
00:24:01,147 --> 00:24:04,103
"Go on, get it out",
when you did it.
543
00:24:04,115 --> 00:24:05,151
Oh, my word.
544
00:24:05,167 --> 00:24:07,131
Are you going to hospital
to have the baby?
545
00:24:07,147 --> 00:24:09,107
I'm not really a big fan
of hospitals.
546
00:24:09,119 --> 00:24:10,163
I don't mind the hospital.
547
00:24:10,179 --> 00:24:13,095
The nurses all know me.
They've got these special tongs
548
00:24:13,111 --> 00:24:15,103
for pulling memory sticks
out of your throat.
549
00:24:15,119 --> 00:24:18,135
Well, I think I'm going to
have my baby at home.
550
00:24:18,151 --> 00:24:21,123
The lady across the road did that.
Oh, right.
551
00:24:21,139 --> 00:24:24,103
She screamed all night. I really
didn't know what was going on.
552
00:24:24,119 --> 00:24:27,107
I thought there was a fox
that had its paw stuck in a trap,
553
00:24:27,123 --> 00:24:29,167
and it was trying to bite
its own leg off to get free.
554
00:24:29,179 --> 00:24:31,127
Oh, right.
555
00:24:31,143 --> 00:24:32,187
There was loads of blood,
apparently.
556
00:24:33,103 --> 00:24:35,179
Dad said they had to get
the whole bedroom redecorated.
557
00:24:36,095 --> 00:24:38,163
Could I have some more of water,
do you think?
558
00:24:38,175 --> 00:24:40,111
No problem.
559
00:24:40,127 --> 00:24:41,171
Bet it was you who spilt
the marbles.
560
00:24:41,183 --> 00:24:43,147
Oh, shoosh.
561
00:24:43,163 --> 00:24:46,131
It just needs one more little nudge.
I think... hang on...
562
00:24:46,143 --> 00:24:49,187
If I get... this might...
563
00:24:50,103 --> 00:24:53,091
NO!
I could just push him...
564
00:24:53,107 --> 00:24:55,103
That's the most worst luck
to open an umbrella inside!
565
00:24:55,119 --> 00:24:58,167
Don't be daft.
And it's green! Are you mad?
566
00:25:00,131 --> 00:25:03,147
I mean, you know, I'm biased,
but it's got a lovely feel about it.
567
00:25:03,159 --> 00:25:05,127
It's a very happy house.
568
00:25:05,143 --> 00:25:08,127
SUE: Will you shut the hell up
about it being green,
569
00:25:08,139 --> 00:25:11,147
or I'll ram it down your throat?!
570
00:25:15,115 --> 00:25:18,095
The lounge.
571
00:25:18,107 --> 00:25:20,107
Stop nagging.
572
00:25:20,123 --> 00:25:24,099
Well, ring bloody ChildLine then -
see if I care.
573
00:25:24,111 --> 00:25:27,159
This is the lounge.
574
00:25:27,175 --> 00:25:29,139
Look, you've upset me
and you've upset the bird.
575
00:25:29,155 --> 00:25:31,139
Sorry I lost it,
but you keep banging on about...
576
00:25:31,155 --> 00:25:33,159
You've upset me! Doesn't matter...
superstitions and stuff.
577
00:25:33,171 --> 00:25:35,147
Look, everyone just...
578
00:25:38,155 --> 00:25:40,115
Oh, hell.
579
00:25:40,131 --> 00:25:43,115
There are good schools. There's
a GP's surgery on the corner.
580
00:25:43,131 --> 00:25:46,091
Also good.
Yeah, the doctor's really cool.
581
00:25:46,107 --> 00:25:49,163
He said they had to put a camera
up Dad's bottom.
582
00:25:49,175 --> 00:25:52,139
And we're gonna put it on YouTube.
583
00:25:52,151 --> 00:25:54,167
That's not going to happen.
584
00:25:54,183 --> 00:25:58,119
My sister had a colonoscopy.
She said it was fine.
585
00:25:58,131 --> 00:26:00,187
Yes, everyone tells me that.
586
00:26:01,099 --> 00:26:04,143
Oh, poor thing.
587
00:26:04,155 --> 00:26:06,151
Now, that has got to be bad luck.
588
00:26:06,167 --> 00:26:10,159
Not just any bird in the house,
but a dead bird in the house.
589
00:26:10,175 --> 00:26:12,179
Why did he have to
fly into the window?
590
00:26:13,091 --> 00:26:14,159
And this is the kitchen.
591
00:26:21,127 --> 00:26:22,175
This is my wife.
592
00:26:24,187 --> 00:26:26,183
Sue.
Hello, there.
593
00:26:30,111 --> 00:26:34,163
Usually a bit tidier than this.
594
00:26:34,179 --> 00:26:39,095
And, obviously, not usually...
a dead bird.
595
00:26:39,111 --> 00:26:41,135
Right.
Well, thanks for showing us around.
596
00:26:41,151 --> 00:26:43,135
Well, there's more to see.
No, it's fine, thank you.
597
00:26:43,147 --> 00:26:45,123
Well, if you'd like to mull it over.
598
00:26:45,139 --> 00:26:47,163
If you want to come back another
time, have another look then...
599
00:26:47,179 --> 00:26:50,179
I can't see that happening.
Really?
600
00:26:51,095 --> 00:26:55,091
My wife, she has a thing
about birds in the house.
601
00:26:55,103 --> 00:26:57,095
She says it's a bad omen.
602
00:26:57,107 --> 00:26:59,127
Does she?
603
00:26:59,139 --> 00:27:02,127
We'll see ourselves out.
604
00:27:02,143 --> 00:27:05,099
Yeah, well,
mind out for the witches.
605
00:27:05,111 --> 00:27:07,111
You shouldn't joke about witches.
606
00:27:07,123 --> 00:27:09,111
They don't like it.
607
00:27:09,123 --> 00:27:12,143
Oh, for God's sake.
608
00:27:12,159 --> 00:27:16,127
Mum? Yes?
Oh... Jake!
609
00:27:16,143 --> 00:27:18,139
I'm so gonna Facebook
all of this.
610
00:27:18,155 --> 00:27:20,155
- I didn't mean to hurt the poor...
- Mum?
611
00:27:20,171 --> 00:27:23,163
Should I take the bird out into the
garden and give it a post-mortem?
612
00:27:23,179 --> 00:27:25,159
No.
Alright.
613
00:27:25,171 --> 00:27:27,107
But it is science.
614
00:27:27,119 --> 00:27:29,183
It's not science, it's... eurgh!
615
00:27:30,099 --> 00:27:34,147
Well, Leonardo da Vinci was always
cutting up animals.
616
00:27:34,159 --> 00:27:36,175
Along with most serial killers.
617
00:27:39,159 --> 00:27:41,099
Aren't you going to read that?
618
00:27:41,115 --> 00:27:43,091
Only a text.
It's not a royal bloody summons.
619
00:27:43,103 --> 00:27:45,147
Alright, alright.
620
00:27:46,167 --> 00:27:49,139
You OK?
Yeah.
621
00:27:50,163 --> 00:27:52,127
So...
622
00:27:52,143 --> 00:27:56,175
the Enlightenment, what a waste
of bloody time that was.
623
00:27:57,091 --> 00:28:01,107
Do you know, the year may be 2010,
but our kids, they're just...
624
00:28:01,119 --> 00:28:03,119
living in the Dark Ages.
625
00:28:03,135 --> 00:28:06,091
Witches,
crackpot conspiracy theories.
626
00:28:06,103 --> 00:28:07,147
Yeah, I know.
627
00:28:07,163 --> 00:28:10,151
Blind superstition, astrology.
Yeah.
628
00:28:10,167 --> 00:28:14,091
You know, the more irrational it is,
the more they just lap it up.
629
00:28:14,107 --> 00:28:17,163
Still, don't worry. They'll soon
grow out of it. Touch wood.
630
00:28:17,188 --> 00:28:22,488
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