All language subtitles for Outnumbered s03e02 The Internet.eng

Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
Exclusive for http://UKsubtitles.ru

I was sorting out the computer
after it crashed,

and I noticed that someone

had downloaded
an inappropriate image.

Was it you?

Well, it could be.
Was it the farting nun?

No, Ben, it was not the...
farting nun.

Was it the tree man?
Ben...

Was it that creepy dude who can
lift things up with his mind?

That's cool.
Ben...

Or was it that evil-clown song?
Ben!

The Pekinese dog
on the lawn mower?

That made me want to throw up.

Ben, I think you know
what I'm talking about.

I don't!

It's a rude part of a lady
with no clothes on.

Which rude part?
The... top rude part.

Both top rude parts, or just one?

Ben! Did you download it or not?

"Next on Britain's Got Talent is...

Hippo!" Ba-doom, ba-doom...

"All right. Now, Hippo, what are you
going to do for us today?"

"I'm going to...
eat all the chocolate I can eat

in memory of my mother."

"OK, then. Off you go."

Nom nom nom nom.

"BLEEEAARGH!"

"UHHHR-BLEEEARGH!"

"All right. Over to Simon Cowell."

"That wasn't very impressive,

because after a while
you were sick everywhere

and the Queen would not like
to see that at all.

And now, over to Piers."

"This act symbolises everything
that's great about Britain."

"And Amanda?"
"I hated it."

"Now, over to Ant and Dec."

"Well, sorry to hear about that,

but our next contestant
is Elephant."

"Woo, Elephant!"

A robber could have broken in
and downloaded it.

That's ridiculous.
Or Dad could have done it.

You have to pay Craig 50p
to see one.

Right.

Well, I'm going to talk to you more
about that in a moment.

But right now, downloading something
like that is inappropriate.

What does inappropriate mean?

Only, I hear it a lot, and...
does it mean naughty?

It means behaviour that...
it's not appropriate.

Not suitable.

Behaviour that's out of place.

Out of what place?
Yes, it means naughty.

So...

good day, Mum?

Mmm-hmm.

And yourself?

Not... not too bad, thanks.

"Hello, and what's your name?"

"I'm Elephant and I am performing
in memory of my mother,

who was savaged to death
by ostriches."

"OK, what are you going to
do for us today?"

"I'm going to set my head on fire."

"Off you go, then."

PFFF! "That's my head on fire."

Oww...

"Now over to Piers."

"It symbolises everything that's
great about this country."

"Now, over to Ant and Dec."

Oh dear, I'm sitting on Ant.

Why is this jam jar full of wasps?

One of Ben's projects.

Listen, Pete.

Have you asked your mum about why
she's so keen to give us that 3,000?

Do you know,
I just haven't had a chance.

We really haven't
had a moment to talk.

Cos it's odd.

She's normally so careful
with her money, and now...

Hey Dad, want a game of chess?
Yeah, OK.

I'm really, really good.
OK, grandmaster.

I forgot...

You know this chess club
he's been going to?

They've asked him to play in an
inter-schools tournament tomorrow.

Really? It's probably one of those
inclusion things...

everyone gets a game,
even if they're rubbish.

Give him a chance! In some ways he's
quite a sophisticated thinker.

So this computer thing.
You think it was him?

He does have form
when it comes to downloading.

And uploading.

Yeah, did Youtube ever
get back to you about that?

According to their
cyber-citizenship guidelines,

because I'm only in it
from the neck down

they're not obliged to remove it,

although they are giving it
a parental-guidance warning.

You know,
I don't think this was Ben,

and Jake swears it wasn't him,
either.

OK Ben, we're a bishop short
so you've got Darth Vader.

What do they mean
when a woman's size zero?

Cos zero's nothing,
so then they'd be invisible.

It just means she's very skinny.

But a woman can be any size
or shape she wants.

What about a hexagon?

Well... no, I meant it can be...

Or a triangle?
Because triangles are...

I meant it doesn't matter
if a woman is thin or fat.

What if you're like this?

Would that be OK?
Well, that...

There's a man in Mexico

and he has to get a crane to get him
out of bed, he's so fat.

Is that all right?

Well, no, I think...

What is too fat? Is it...

Would you like to watch
some television?

No.

You know, I've been thinking about
those... that image on the computer.

Could be Mum who put it on there.
Me? I found it!

She who smelt it, dealt it.

Ben, you need to concentrate.

You see, this morning I walked in
on my mum using the computer,

and as soon as she saw me,
she closed it down really fast.

So you're saying that
your 68-year-old mother

has turned gay and is downloading
soft porn onto the computer?

No. No, of course not.

All right...

Come on, Ben! It's your move!

Peow!
Ben!

It's Jane.

No, not annoying Jane,
your sister Jane.

Oh, right. OK. Hi, Jane.

Mum, Gavin rang.
Gavin?

Duh! Gavin.
You know, the estate agent.

He said some people are gonna
come look at the house. Oh right. When?

Um... seven o'clock tonight.

What? Why didn't you tell me?

I did tell you, just now.

Um... hang on a sec...
But that's one hour from now!

I'll help you tidy up.

Oh, great. Thank you.

I'll tell Gavin they can't come.

I don't care if they come or not,
cos I'm not moving.

Really?
It's Sue Brockman.

We can't do viewing tonight, and
in future if you talk to a teenager,

please assume
we haven't got the message.

I don't mind everybody else moving,
but I'm staying here.

OK, I'll tell the estate agent
to put it in the details.

Delightful semi with south-facing
garden and built-in seven-year-old.

Well, I am staying here

and that is all I have to say
on the matter.

Sue, can I just have a word...

about something?

Go on, then.

Oh, a word.

It's all right. I'm going upstairs.

Good work.

Anyway, the reason Jane rang

is because Mum has offered her
a couple of thousand as well.

Oh, blimey.

She sent a cheque for ?800
to Lucille.

Well, why don't you just
ask your mum what's going on?

I mean, she's going home tomorrow,
so...

She wouldn't tell Jane.

And she quite likes Jane,
so something's up.

What do you reckon?

Ben's eaten all the toothpaste
again!

Well, get some out of the cupboard.

Your move.
I see what you're up to.

Ben, can you just...

Ben, Ben, please,
no strafing in the kitchen.

We don't want another friendly-fire
incident with the wine rack.

Listen, Pete.

Maybe we should accept that money
from your mum.

I mean,
she obviously wants us to have it.

I don't know,
it just doesn't feel right.

But you were comfortable enough
accepting those gifts from my dad.

Yeah, a betamax video recorder,

a cider press,

and a Chinese soldier's jawbone
from the Korean war.

Well, OK, but...
Is that still under your pillow?

No, I sold it to Ibrahim.

Mum!
What?

Is Anusol toothpaste?

No! No, wait there.
Don't touch anything. I'm coming!

Right. Let's see...

Checkmate.

Don't be silly, Ben, it can't be
checkmate, we've only just...

Karen, come back and finish your...
I'm done, Daddy, I told you!

I've finished my breakfast!

I know it was you who downloaded
that woman's... image.

Have you been looking at my emails?

I... saw them, yes.
That is out of order.

You're a bit burpy.

You should go and see a burpologist.
Is that what the doctor said?

No he didn't.
And don't cherry-pick the muesli!

There aren't any cherries
in the muesli.

You know what I mean.

You pick out all the good bits.

The last third of the packet
is like eating dust.

It's natural shifting.
It happens in the tundra.

The largest rocks reach the surface.

Not the tundra excuse again.

Why did you download that image
onto the family computer?

Cos Ben melted my laptop.

And also, the resolution on my phone
is crap, it's like...

Jake, why did you lie to me?

Cos I knew you'd
just throw yourself

into some overreaction like this.

I am not overreacting, come back!

It was him?
Yeah.

I had trouble sleeping last night,

so I had another go
at sorting out the computer,

and unsurprisingly it was Warren
who sent him the email.

Oh, and Jake's been on one of those
internet-poker sites.

I didn't have a chance
to broach that one with him.

Oh, God.
And I don't want to worry you...

Now I am worried. Go on.

You know you said your mum
turned the computer off suddenly?

Well, someone's been looking up
symptoms of intestinal cancer.

Right.

So what with that, and her trying
to give all her money away...

Dad, do you want another
game of chess?

Um... there's not really time, Ben.

Who won last night?

Oh, Ben won.

I kicked his sorry butt!

You went easy on him?

You shouldn't do that,
it's not good for children.

You certainly never went easy on me.

I particularly remember
my crushing defeat at Scrabble

because I was still upset
at the start of my birthday party.

My fifth birthday party.

But if you let children win,
you cheat them of that moment

when they really beat you
for the first time.

And if we keep playing Scrabble,
Peter, that moment might still come.

Well, it already would have if you
hadn't spelt quasar with a zed.

It's an alternative spelling.

In Norway, maybe.
Pete...

Anyway, I don't think
you should let Ben win.

Well, all right, Mum.
Why don't you play him and beat him?

Maybe you're right.

I mean, it's important that kids
learn how to lose, isn't it?

We don't have time.
We've got to leave for school.

Well, we can start now
and finish this evening.

I'll set the board up.
OK, just let me get dressed.

I've been meaning to ask,

what is that thing?

That's the elephant in the room,
we never talk about that.

Why not?

No, it's the elephant in...

It's an expression.

Oh, never mind.

He still hasn't written back to me!

Why hasn't he written back to me?

Well, he's probably busy.

Doing what?

Well, you know. Being president
of the United States.

Tony Blair wrote back to me
about the badgers.

Yeah, but that probably wasn't him.
That was one of his secretaries.

Karen, you've got your top on
back to front!

But you said that it was him!

Well, you were four at the time,
so we probably let you think that.

You lied!
What would Tony Blair have said

if he knew that you lied
to a four-year-old?

"Well done?"

They do that a lot.

They accuse us of lying,
but it's them that lie most.

There is a difference between
letting a small child down gently

and downloading porn.

It's not porn,
cos A: I didn't have to pay for it

and B: it was taken
in a public place.

Hang on, that's... what public place?

Warren's garden.

Who's it of?

Miss Mercherson.
She lives opposite him.

It's one of your teachers?

Miss Mercherson...

How do you think she'd feel
if she knew

there were naked pictures of her
going round the school?

It's OK, we didn't include her face.

The tall one with the red hair.

That doesn't make it better, Jake!

And what's more...
Pete, don't go near that computer...

what's more, we need to have
a serious conversation.

Mum!
In the living room, now.

Dad, look at this.
Later, Karen.

Ben! Come here, look!

Reader's Digest says that we have
definitely won ?500,000

and it is in their bank account,

ready to be transferred into
your bank account when we're ready.

?500,000! Wow! That's so much money!

We could buy loads of stuff!
We could buy everything!

We can buy... we can buy...

we can build a massive mansion
made out of gold.

I would buy a robotic dragon
with a flame thrower in its tongue!

And buy a TV
which you could walk inside,

it's like the size of a door.

And anyway,
what about those magazines you buy?

Those celebrities probably
don't want those pictures taken,

yet you still go out
and buy the magazines.

Well, I don't buy them.

I occasionally pick them up
off trains and bring them home.

To recycle.

Can't I just go, please?
No.

This is serious, very serious.

In fact, what you've done
is actually a criminal offence.

What criminal offence is it?

It's...

well, it's... receiving stolen...
Breasts?

You could get into big trouble,
here.

Oh, yeah!
A time machine!

And we could see us
when we're old...

I'd buy the Amazon rainforest.

Or I'd buy school,
and then close it down.

What would poor Miss Mercherson do
if she knew about all this?

Buy curtains?
Jake, this is very serious!

And we haven't even
got onto the poker yet.

What poker?

The poker you've been playing
on the computer.

I never did that.
You said you never did this.

I should probably get going
to school, to be honest.

And to save the polar bears,

you could have enough money
to drop massive ice cubes

and bits of ice onto the...

onto where they are,
so they can be saved!

Or we could just buy
500,000 Magnums.

OK, Ben!

Now, I warn you,
I'm going to play my absolute best.

Which do you want to be,
black or white?

Black,
because it's the colour of death.

Right.

I mean, they're just teenaged boys.

They're like baboons on heat
in school uniforms.

Well, unless someone does something

they'll turn into baboons on heat
in suits and ties.

What if the girls in your school
were circulating pictures

of you in the... Actually,
let's not even think about that.

They do have ringtones of Geoff
Castle, the relief art teacher...

in bed...

with someone.

How in God's name did they...?

It was 11J. Best not to ask,

if you want a car that still works
at four o'clock.

Check.

What?

You see? There are some things you
can't do while playing a Game Boy.

Yeah, that's what the man in
my cycling-proficiency test said.

Come on, let's get everyone moving.

Pete, you don't seem that worried
about your mum

and all that medical stuff
on the computer.

No, no, I am.

Cos don't you think
it's a bit odd...

Oh, God. It's you, isn't it?

I was just checking out
all the various possibilities

of my stomach symptoms.

You know you only frighten yourself
when you do that.

It's like that time
when we got back from Morocco

and you convinced yourself
you had rabies.

It was just that
when Dr Benjamin said

he was sending me for those tests,
I thought...

he looked a bit worried.

He always looks worried.
He's got that lazy eye.

Come on, everyone,
we need to go in two minutes.

Don't worry about it,

you cycled 40 miles last weekend,
you're obviously really fit.

Has he got another pain?

Men and their ailments, hey?

Checkmate.

Don't be silly, Ben, that's not...

No, I think that is checkmate.

Now, I thought that you were gonna...

I didn't want to discourage him
on the day of his tournament.

But aren't you, um...
cheating him of that moment

where he beats you for real
for the first time?

You planned that, didn't you?

Oh, yeah.

We almost certainly haven't won
a prize and it's nearly teatime.

What do you mean
we haven't won a prize?

Look, it's not...
It says here we've won ?500,000.

They make it look like that
so you buy their magazines.

Well, if it means ?500,000,
let's buy their magazines.

They don't cost that much.

Listen, Karen.
We are not getting any money.

But we've already spent it.
What?

I promised Maisie Warburton ?10,000
for this glow-in-the-dark pen.

Well, you'll have to give it back.

No, it was no-return.
Well...

You'll have to give her the ?10,000,

cos you don't want
to end up in court.

Karen...

Cos I think you'll probably lose,
Mummy.

Hang on, why's Janice emailing me
about nothing?

I didn't even know she had my...

God, I could quite happily
destroy this computer,

all the trouble it causes.

Don't worry about Jake
and those pictures.

To be honest, Sandra,
I'm more worried

about his late-night poker sessions.
That wasn't Jake.

Well, I would have said the same
about Miss Mercherson...

No, Sue. It wasn't Jake.

So, does Ben get his chess genes
from you?

Well...

I play a little bit.

Grayson, the boy he's playing,

he's never lost
a local tournament before.

Ben's giving him quite a game.

NEEEEOWW... BSSSSH!

So how long have you been
addicted to these sites?

I'm not sure I'd use the word
addicted.

Well, if you've lost
more than ?4,000...

This sounds pathetic,
but I've been feeling so lonely

and all the guys
I've been playing with...

Mongo, Middlesex Fats,
Colchester Kid, Boner,

Aceface, Dog End...

it felt like a community.

Yeah, it's a community
that took you for four grand.

And that's why I've been
trying so hard

to give my money away to all of you.

You know, so I don't just...
fritter it away.

Sandra, I really think that you
should open up to Pete about this.

Oh, you mustn't tell Peter!

Well, I can't keep it from him.

Oh. All right.

But families worked much better
before this talking fad started.

One more battle noise like that
and I shall have to disqualify him.

Ben, easy on the battle noises, OK?

This is chess, not soccer.

Right!
Ben...

That wasn't a battle noise,
that was a horsey noise.

It wasn't a battle noise.

It was a horsey noise.

One final chance.

Dear Barack Obama...

I am beginning...

to lose my...

patience.

What are you writing to him about
now?

About how they said we'd won a prize
but we actually hadn't

and that everyone from
Reader's Digest should go to jail

and have to wee in a bucket
and only have a budgie to talk to.

I'm not sure you can go to jail
for misleading offers.

Some people say that jail
is quite nice. Is that true?

I think that's just the Daily Mail
says things like that.

It's not nice to have your freedom
taken away, is it?

They don't even
have to go in prisons.

If they're really bad they should
just be put in holes in the ground.

With, you know the things that go
over the gutter? The big plates?

With that over
so they stay in the dark.

Well, then...

And they have to eat soup and they
don't even put the soup in a bowl,

they just pour it down into the hole

and they have to eat it
with their hands off of the mud.

What do you...

They should make it really horrible,

and anyone who does a bad thing,
um, that could hurt someone,

and they were over ten,

should go to jail.
Ten?

No mind games, please.

They're not mind games, he's bored.

Specky swotty chops is
taking so long.

That's her son.

That's her son?

She's the referee and that's her son?

Actually, I'm an adjudicator.

Have you a problem with that?
Yes, I have.

I can just see that
in the premiership.

Wayne Rooney has been awarded
a penalty by his mum

because Frank Lampard
has been mean to him.

May I just remind you
that we play in silence?

Oh, you've got all these rules,
but you haven't got any rule

that says the referee
can't be someone's mum!

You swan in here, your first
tournament, and you think that...

Excuse me,
we're trying to concentrate here!

Die, Bishop, die.

You were warned. You are now...
Take that, Queenie! Kapow!

Grayson...
EEEEOW, KAPOW!

Grayson, stop that at once.

Grayson, stop that!

Grayson, please...

CHARGE! PEEOW!
Boys... boys!

Right, so you're gonna

put the prisoners in fridges
and ovens now, are you?

You don't turn the oven on.

You turn it on a tiny bit,

and then after they're in there
for about half an hour

then you take them out
and put them in the fridge,

and then once they're in there
for half an hour you keep swapping

so that they never get too hot
or too cold.

Yeah... I think that one's been done.

I think Stalin had that idea.

What do you mean?

By the way, Karen,

you didn't tell anyone at school
about us winning a prize, did you?

We told everyone.

And what exactly did you tell them?

That we won ?500,000

and that we were now
the richest people in school

and Ben said that he would buy
the school three whiteboards

and a leopard.

All right, well,
that explains a lot.

Particularly the odd looks
Celia gave me at pickup

when I asked to borrow 20p
for the meter.

Oh. Well, I'm sorry, Kitty.

It must be so difficult
to make ends meet.

While we're on the subject,

you didn't hear of us winning
half a million pounds, did you?

Cos we didn't.

Oh God, no, no,
I know that's not why you rang.

No, no, don't be silly.

No. No, no, no.

No. Bye.

Can I go on the computer?

He's made a chess buddy.
Great.

You're through to Sue's phone.

We have not, repeat,
NOT won half a million pounds.

Please leave a message
if you still want to.

So what's...?
OK.

I've told my mates they have to
delete Miss Mercherson's breasts,

stop sending them out, but you know,

I can't do anything
about the other schools.

Schools?

It is the worldwide web, mum.

Yeah, but this won't have gone
worldwide, will it?

OK, I'm not gonna follow that one up.

God, I hate the internet!

It's full of porn and then kids have
access to all sorts of scary stuff

that no-one understands.

Well, I felt like that at 13
without the internet.

Yeah, but you didn't have to
go to Richie's sleepover

and watch the Taliban video

of some poor tribesman
getting his head sawn off.

Well, they're lucky he didn't
understand what he was watching.

He thought that was
a David Copperfield thing,

and they were gonna
put the head back on afterwards.

Well, that's me packed up
and ready to go.

Oh, right.

Ben, I've got something to show you.
What?

It's in the garden. Front garden.
What?

Come on!

Oh, God. I'm trying to do something,
can't you see that?

Oh! Handbag.

So, I suppose Sue's told you
about the gambling?

Pretty much.

I suppose we need
to sort this whole thing out.

I have. Internet disconnected,
credit cards frozen.

I've asked to be banned
from the sites

and if you and your sister
accept the money I'm offering,

then there's no chance I'll relapse.

So it's all sorted, OK?

OK. It's just that sometimes, Mum,

these addictions...
it can be hard to stop,

because it goes a lot deeper.

Is there something deeper
you'd like to talk about?

No.
Fair enough.

Peter, I think Sue would really
like us to spend some time

opening up to each other.

Right.

What's this supposed to do?

It's Cyber-Vigil software.

It blocks your children
from inappropriate websites.

Yeah, but I can clone that
off Oscar's mum's computer.

Yeah, well I decided to buy it
rather than steal it.

You're so weird.

So, a quick cup of tea, anyone?
I'm making.

Everything all right, you two?

Had a good natter?

Oh, yes.
Yeah, it was lovely.

It really cleared the air.
It was really lovely.

We should have done it
a long time ago.

Years ago.

Well, good.

There's an email here.

It says that Ben's school has been
banned from the chess league.

Does it say why?

"Inappropriate behaviour."

Oh. Something must have happened
after we left.

Come on, do we really have to bother
with this Cyber-Vigil thing?

Yes, we do. 100%.
Why?

Because as responsible parents

we need something to defend this
family from the dark and dangerous...

tentacles of the internet.
That's right.

Except we need you to install it,

because we can't
make head or tail of it.

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