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I was sorting out the computer after it crashed,

and I noticed that someone

had downloaded an inappropriate image.

Was it you?

Well, it could be. Was it the farting nun?

No, Ben, it was not the... farting nun.

Was it the tree man? Ben...

Was it that creepy dude who can lift things up with his mind?

That's cool. Ben...

Or was it that evil-clown song? Ben!

The Pekinese dog on the lawn mower?

That made me want to throw up.

Ben, I think you know what I'm talking about.

I don't!

It's a rude part of a lady with no clothes on.

Which rude part? The... top rude part.

Both top rude parts, or just one?

Ben! Did you download it or not?

"Next on Britain's Got Talent is...

Hippo!" Ba-doom, ba-doom...

"All right. Now, Hippo, what are you going to do for us today?"

"I'm going to... eat all the chocolate I can eat

in memory of my mother."

"OK, then. Off you go."

Nom nom nom nom.

"BLEEEAARGH!"

"UHHHR-BLEEEARGH!"

"All right. Over to Simon Cowell."

"That wasn't very impressive,

because after a while you were sick everywhere

and the Queen would not like to see that at all.

And now, over to Piers."

"This act symbolises everything that's great about Britain."

"And Amanda?" "I hated it."

"Now, over to Ant and Dec."

"Well, sorry to hear about that,

but our next contestant is Elephant."

"Woo, Elephant!"

A robber could have broken in and downloaded it.

That's ridiculous. Or Dad could have done it.

You have to pay Craig 50p to see one.

Right.

Well, I'm going to talk to you more about that in a moment.

But right now, downloading something like that is inappropriate.

What does inappropriate mean?

Only, I hear it a lot, and... does it mean naughty?

It means behaviour that... it's not appropriate.

Not suitable.

Behaviour that's out of place.

Out of what place? Yes, it means naughty.

So...

good day, Mum?

Mmm-hmm.

And yourself?

Not... not too bad, thanks.

"Hello, and what's your name?"

"I'm Elephant and I am performing in memory of my mother,

who was savaged to death by ostriches."

"OK, what are you going to do for us today?"

"I'm going to set my head on fire."

"Off you go, then."

PFFF! "That's my head on fire."

Oww...

"Now over to Piers."

"It symbolises everything that's great about this country."

"Now, over to Ant and Dec."

Oh dear, I'm sitting on Ant.

Why is this jam jar full of wasps?

One of Ben's projects.

Listen, Pete.

Have you asked your mum about why she's so keen to give us that 3,000?

Do you know, I just haven't had a chance.

We really haven't had a moment to talk.

Cos it's odd.

She's normally so careful with her money, and now...

Hey Dad, want a game of chess? Yeah, OK.

I'm really, really good. OK, grandmaster.

I forgot...

You know this chess club he's been going to?

They've asked him to play in an inter-schools tournament tomorrow.

Really? It's probably one of those inclusion things...

everyone gets a game, even if they're rubbish.

Give him a chance! In some ways he's quite a sophisticated thinker.

So this computer thing. You think it was him?

He does have form when it comes to downloading.

And uploading.

Yeah, did Youtube ever get back to you about that?

According to their cyber-citizenship guidelines,

because I'm only in it from the neck down

they're not obliged to remove it,

although they are giving it a parental-guidance warning.

You know, I don't think this was Ben,

and Jake swears it wasn't him, either.

OK Ben, we're a bishop short so you've got Darth Vader.

What do they mean when a woman's size zero?

Cos zero's nothing, so then they'd be invisible.

It just means she's very skinny.

But a woman can be any size or shape she wants.

What about a hexagon?

Well... no, I meant it can be...

Or a triangle? Because triangles are...

I meant it doesn't matter if a woman is thin or fat.

What if you're like this?

Would that be OK? Well, that...

There's a man in Mexico

and he has to get a crane to get him out of bed, he's so fat.

Is that all right?

Well, no, I think...

What is too fat? Is it...

Would you like to watch some television?

No.

You know, I've been thinking about those... that image on the computer.

Could be Mum who put it on there. Me? I found it!

She who smelt it, dealt it.

Ben, you need to concentrate.

You see, this morning I walked in on my mum using the computer,

and as soon as she saw me, she closed it down really fast.

So you're saying that your 68-year-old mother

has turned gay and is downloading soft porn onto the computer?

No. No, of course not.

All right...

Come on, Ben! It's your move!

Peow! Ben!

It's Jane.

No, not annoying Jane, your sister Jane.

Oh, right. OK. Hi, Jane.

Mum, Gavin rang. Gavin?

Duh! Gavin. You know, the estate agent.

He said some people are gonna come look at the house. Oh right. When?

Um... seven o'clock tonight.

What? Why didn't you tell me?

I did tell you, just now.

Um... hang on a sec... But that's one hour from now!

I'll help you tidy up.

Oh, great. Thank you.

I'll tell Gavin they can't come.

I don't care if they come or not, cos I'm not moving.

Really? It's Sue Brockman.

We can't do viewing tonight, and in future if you talk to a teenager,

please assume we haven't got the message.

I don't mind everybody else moving, but I'm staying here.

OK, I'll tell the estate agent to put it in the details.

Delightful semi with south-facing garden and built-in seven-year-old.

Well, I am staying here

and that is all I have to say on the matter.

Sue, can I just have a word...

about something?

Go on, then.

Oh, a word.

It's all right. I'm going upstairs.

Good work.

Anyway, the reason Jane rang

is because Mum has offered her a couple of thousand as well.

Oh, blimey.

She sent a cheque for ?800 to Lucille.

Well, why don't you just ask your mum what's going on?

I mean, she's going home tomorrow, so...

She wouldn't tell Jane.

And she quite likes Jane, so something's up.

What do you reckon?

Ben's eaten all the toothpaste again!

Well, get some out of the cupboard.

Your move. I see what you're up to.

Ben, can you just...

Ben, Ben, please, no strafing in the kitchen.

We don't want another friendly-fire incident with the wine rack.

Listen, Pete.

Maybe we should accept that money from your mum.

I mean, she obviously wants us to have it.

I don't know, it just doesn't feel right.

But you were comfortable enough accepting those gifts from my dad.

Yeah, a betamax video recorder,

a cider press,

and a Chinese soldier's jawbone from the Korean war.

Well, OK, but... Is that still under your pillow?

No, I sold it to Ibrahim.

Mum! What?

Is Anusol toothpaste?

No! No, wait there. Don't touch anything. I'm coming!

Right. Let's see...

Checkmate.

Don't be silly, Ben, it can't be checkmate, we've only just...

Karen, come back and finish your... I'm done, Daddy, I told you!

I've finished my breakfast!

I know it was you who downloaded that woman's... image.

Have you been looking at my emails?

I... saw them, yes. That is out of order.

You're a bit burpy.

You should go and see a burpologist. Is that what the doctor said?

No he didn't. And don't cherry-pick the muesli!

There aren't any cherries in the muesli.

You know what I mean.

You pick out all the good bits.

The last third of the packet is like eating dust.

It's natural shifting. It happens in the tundra.

The largest rocks reach the surface.

Not the tundra excuse again.

Why did you download that image onto the family computer?

Cos Ben melted my laptop.

And also, the resolution on my phone is crap, it's like...

Jake, why did you lie to me?

Cos I knew you'd just throw yourself

into some overreaction like this.

I am not overreacting, come back!

It was him? Yeah.

I had trouble sleeping last night,

so I had another go at sorting out the computer,

and unsurprisingly it was Warren who sent him the email.

Oh, and Jake's been on one of those internet-poker sites.

I didn't have a chance to broach that one with him.

Oh, God. And I don't want to worry you...

Now I am worried. Go on.

You know you said your mum turned the computer off suddenly?

Well, someone's been looking up symptoms of intestinal cancer.

Right.

So what with that, and her trying to give all her money away...

Dad, do you want another game of chess?

Um... there's not really time, Ben.

Who won last night?

Oh, Ben won.

I kicked his sorry butt!

You went easy on him?

You shouldn't do that, it's not good for children.

You certainly never went easy on me.

I particularly remember my crushing defeat at Scrabble

because I was still upset at the start of my birthday party.

My fifth birthday party.

But if you let children win, you cheat them of that moment

when they really beat you for the first time.

And if we keep playing Scrabble, Peter, that moment might still come.

Well, it already would have if you hadn't spelt quasar with a zed.

It's an alternative spelling.

In Norway, maybe. Pete...

Anyway, I don't think you should let Ben win.

Well, all right, Mum. Why don't you play him and beat him?

Maybe you're right.

I mean, it's important that kids learn how to lose, isn't it?

We don't have time. We've got to leave for school.

Well, we can start now and finish this evening.

I'll set the board up. OK, just let me get dressed.

I've been meaning to ask,

what is that thing?

That's the elephant in the room, we never talk about that.

Why not?

No, it's the elephant in...

It's an expression.

Oh, never mind.

He still hasn't written back to me!

Why hasn't he written back to me?

Well, he's probably busy.

Doing what?

Well, you know. Being president of the United States.

Tony Blair wrote back to me about the badgers.

Yeah, but that probably wasn't him. That was one of his secretaries.

Karen, you've got your top on back to front!

But you said that it was him!

Well, you were four at the time, so we probably let you think that.

You lied! What would Tony Blair have said

if he knew that you lied to a four-year-old?

"Well done?"

They do that a lot.

They accuse us of lying, but it's them that lie most.

There is a difference between letting a small child down gently

and downloading porn.

It's not porn, cos A: I didn't have to pay for it

and B: it was taken in a public place.

Hang on, that's... what public place?

Warren's garden.

Who's it of?

Miss Mercherson. She lives opposite him.

It's one of your teachers?

Miss Mercherson...

How do you think she'd feel if she knew

there were naked pictures of her going round the school?

It's OK, we didn't include her face.

The tall one with the red hair.

That doesn't make it better, Jake!

And what's more... Pete, don't go near that computer...

what's more, we need to have a serious conversation.

Mum! In the living room, now.

Dad, look at this. Later, Karen.

Ben! Come here, look!

Reader's Digest says that we have definitely won ?500,000

and it is in their bank account,

ready to be transferred into your bank account when we're ready.

?500,000! Wow! That's so much money!

We could buy loads of stuff! We could buy everything!

We can buy... we can buy...

we can build a massive mansion made out of gold.

I would buy a robotic dragon with a flame thrower in its tongue!

And buy a TV which you could walk inside,

it's like the size of a door.

And anyway, what about those magazines you buy?

Those celebrities probably don't want those pictures taken,

yet you still go out and buy the magazines.

Well, I don't buy them.

I occasionally pick them up off trains and bring them home.

To recycle.

Can't I just go, please? No.

This is serious, very serious.

In fact, what you've done is actually a criminal offence.

What criminal offence is it?

It's...

well, it's... receiving stolen... Breasts?

You could get into big trouble, here.

Oh, yeah! A time machine!

And we could see us when we're old...

I'd buy the Amazon rainforest.

Or I'd buy school, and then close it down.

What would poor Miss Mercherson do if she knew about all this?

Buy curtains? Jake, this is very serious!

And we haven't even got onto the poker yet.

What poker?

The poker you've been playing on the computer.

I never did that. You said you never did this.

I should probably get going to school, to be honest.

And to save the polar bears,

you could have enough money to drop massive ice cubes

and bits of ice onto the...

onto where they are, so they can be saved!

Or we could just buy 500,000 Magnums.

OK, Ben!

Now, I warn you, I'm going to play my absolute best.

Which do you want to be, black or white?

Black, because it's the colour of death.

Right.

I mean, they're just teenaged boys.

They're like baboons on heat in school uniforms.

Well, unless someone does something

they'll turn into baboons on heat in suits and ties.

What if the girls in your school were circulating pictures

of you in the... Actually, let's not even think about that.

They do have ringtones of Geoff Castle, the relief art teacher...

in bed...

with someone.

How in God's name did they...?

It was 11J. Best not to ask,

if you want a car that still works at four o'clock.

Check.

What?

You see? There are some things you can't do while playing a Game Boy.

Yeah, that's what the man in my cycling-proficiency test said.

Come on, let's get everyone moving.

Pete, you don't seem that worried about your mum

and all that medical stuff on the computer.

No, no, I am.

Cos don't you think it's a bit odd...

Oh, God. It's you, isn't it?

I was just checking out all the various possibilities

of my stomach symptoms.

You know you only frighten yourself when you do that.

It's like that time when we got back from Morocco

and you convinced yourself you had rabies.

It was just that when Dr Benjamin said

he was sending me for those tests, I thought...

he looked a bit worried.

He always looks worried. He's got that lazy eye.

Come on, everyone, we need to go in two minutes.

Don't worry about it,

you cycled 40 miles last weekend, you're obviously really fit.

Has he got another pain?

Men and their ailments, hey?

Checkmate.

Don't be silly, Ben, that's not...

No, I think that is checkmate.

Now, I thought that you were gonna...

I didn't want to discourage him on the day of his tournament.

But aren't you, um... cheating him of that moment

where he beats you for real for the first time?

You planned that, didn't you?

Oh, yeah.

We almost certainly haven't won a prize and it's nearly teatime.

What do you mean we haven't won a prize?

Look, it's not... It says here we've won ?500,000.

They make it look like that so you buy their magazines.

Well, if it means ?500,000, let's buy their magazines.

They don't cost that much.

Listen, Karen. We are not getting any money.

But we've already spent it. What?

I promised Maisie Warburton ?10,000 for this glow-in-the-dark pen.

Well, you'll have to give it back.

No, it was no-return. Well...

You'll have to give her the ?10,000,

cos you don't want to end up in court.

Karen...

Cos I think you'll probably lose, Mummy.

Hang on, why's Janice emailing me about nothing?

I didn't even know she had my...

God, I could quite happily destroy this computer,

all the trouble it causes.

Don't worry about Jake and those pictures.

To be honest, Sandra, I'm more worried

about his late-night poker sessions. That wasn't Jake.

Well, I would have said the same about Miss Mercherson...

No, Sue. It wasn't Jake.

So, does Ben get his chess genes from you?

Well...

I play a little bit.

Grayson, the boy he's playing,

he's never lost a local tournament before.

Ben's giving him quite a game.

NEEEEOWW... BSSSSH!

So how long have you been addicted to these sites?

I'm not sure I'd use the word addicted.

Well, if you've lost more than ?4,000...

This sounds pathetic, but I've been feeling so lonely

and all the guys I've been playing with...

Mongo, Middlesex Fats, Colchester Kid, Boner,

Aceface, Dog End...

it felt like a community.

Yeah, it's a community that took you for four grand.

And that's why I've been trying so hard

to give my money away to all of you.

You know, so I don't just... fritter it away.

Sandra, I really think that you should open up to Pete about this.

Oh, you mustn't tell Peter!

Well, I can't keep it from him.

Oh. All right.

But families worked much better before this talking fad started.

One more battle noise like that and I shall have to disqualify him.

Ben, easy on the battle noises, OK?

This is chess, not soccer.

Right! Ben...

That wasn't a battle noise, that was a horsey noise.

It wasn't a battle noise.

It was a horsey noise.

One final chance.

Dear Barack Obama...

I am beginning...

to lose my...

patience.

What are you writing to him about now?

About how they said we'd won a prize but we actually hadn't

and that everyone from Reader's Digest should go to jail

and have to wee in a bucket and only have a budgie to talk to.

I'm not sure you can go to jail for misleading offers.

Some people say that jail is quite nice. Is that true?

I think that's just the Daily Mail says things like that.

It's not nice to have your freedom taken away, is it?

They don't even have to go in prisons.

If they're really bad they should just be put in holes in the ground.

With, you know the things that go over the gutter? The big plates?

With that over so they stay in the dark.

Well, then...

And they have to eat soup and they don't even put the soup in a bowl,

they just pour it down into the hole

and they have to eat it with their hands off of the mud.

What do you...

They should make it really horrible,

and anyone who does a bad thing, um, that could hurt someone,

and they were over ten,

should go to jail. Ten?

No mind games, please.

They're not mind games, he's bored.

Specky swotty chops is taking so long.

That's her son.

That's her son?

She's the referee and that's her son?

Actually, I'm an adjudicator.

Have you a problem with that? Yes, I have.

I can just see that in the premiership.

Wayne Rooney has been awarded a penalty by his mum

because Frank Lampard has been mean to him.

May I just remind you that we play in silence?

Oh, you've got all these rules, but you haven't got any rule

that says the referee can't be someone's mum!

You swan in here, your first tournament, and you think that...

Excuse me, we're trying to concentrate here!

Die, Bishop, die.

You were warned. You are now... Take that, Queenie! Kapow!

Grayson... EEEEOW, KAPOW!

Grayson, stop that at once.

Grayson, stop that!

Grayson, please...

CHARGE! PEEOW! Boys... boys!

Right, so you're gonna

put the prisoners in fridges and ovens now, are you?

You don't turn the oven on.

You turn it on a tiny bit,

and then after they're in there for about half an hour

then you take them out and put them in the fridge,

and then once they're in there for half an hour you keep swapping

so that they never get too hot or too cold.

Yeah... I think that one's been done.

I think Stalin had that idea.

What do you mean?

By the way, Karen,

you didn't tell anyone at school about us winning a prize, did you?

We told everyone.

And what exactly did you tell them?

That we won ?500,000

and that we were now the richest people in school

and Ben said that he would buy the school three whiteboards

and a leopard.

All right, well, that explains a lot.

Particularly the odd looks Celia gave me at pickup

when I asked to borrow 20p for the meter.

Oh. Well, I'm sorry, Kitty.

It must be so difficult to make ends meet.

While we're on the subject,

you didn't hear of us winning half a million pounds, did you?

Cos we didn't.

Oh God, no, no, I know that's not why you rang.

No, no, don't be silly.

No. No, no, no.

No. Bye.

Can I go on the computer?

He's made a chess buddy. Great.

You're through to Sue's phone.

We have not, repeat, NOT won half a million pounds.

Please leave a message if you still want to.

So what's...? OK.

I've told my mates they have to delete Miss Mercherson's breasts,

stop sending them out, but you know,

I can't do anything about the other schools.

Schools?

It is the worldwide web, mum.

Yeah, but this won't have gone worldwide, will it?

OK, I'm not gonna follow that one up.

God, I hate the internet!

It's full of porn and then kids have access to all sorts of scary stuff

that no-one understands.

Well, I felt like that at 13 without the internet.

Yeah, but you didn't have to go to Richie's sleepover

and watch the Taliban video

of some poor tribesman getting his head sawn off.

Well, they're lucky he didn't understand what he was watching.

He thought that was a David Copperfield thing,

and they were gonna put the head back on afterwards.

Well, that's me packed up and ready to go.

Oh, right.

Ben, I've got something to show you. What?

It's in the garden. Front garden. What?

Come on!

Oh, God. I'm trying to do something, can't you see that?

Oh! Handbag.

So, I suppose Sue's told you about the gambling?

Pretty much.

I suppose we need to sort this whole thing out.

I have. Internet disconnected, credit cards frozen.

I've asked to be banned from the sites

and if you and your sister accept the money I'm offering,

then there's no chance I'll relapse.

So it's all sorted, OK?

OK. It's just that sometimes, Mum,

these addictions... it can be hard to stop,

because it goes a lot deeper.

Is there something deeper you'd like to talk about?

No. Fair enough.

Peter, I think Sue would really like us to spend some time

opening up to each other.

Right.

What's this supposed to do?

It's Cyber-Vigil software.

It blocks your children from inappropriate websites.

Yeah, but I can clone that off Oscar's mum's computer.

Yeah, well I decided to buy it rather than steal it.

You're so weird.

So, a quick cup of tea, anyone? I'm making.

Everything all right, you two?

Had a good natter?

Oh, yes. Yeah, it was lovely.

It really cleared the air. It was really lovely.

We should have done it a long time ago.

Years ago.

Well, good.

There's an email here.

It says that Ben's school has been banned from the chess league.

Does it say why?

"Inappropriate behaviour."

Oh. Something must have happened after we left.

Come on, do we really have to bother with this Cyber-Vigil thing?

Yes, we do. 100%. Why?

Because as responsible parents

we need something to defend this family from the dark and dangerous...

tentacles of the internet. That's right.

Except we need you to install it,

because we can't make head or tail of it.

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