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29!

Ben! Stop playing Spot The Chav and sit down.

I'm not telling you again.

So the flag wasn't flying over Buckingham Palace

so the Queen's not there.

That's right.

So the Queen's out wearing hats and shaking hands with people.

The Queen's boring.

The olden-day kings and queens were much better.

I mean, like, Mary burned and killed 500 people,

which was why she was nicknamed Bloody Mary,

but she should have been nicknamed something a bit like Ashy Mary

or Flamy Mary or Bloody Flamy Mary.

Ben... Number 30!

Ben, can you stop embarrassing me? Sit down!

Thank you for giving me such wonderful grandchildren.

I'm so proud Karen is top in her class.

I don't think the school do class positions, actually, Sandra.

But she had that badge, "First in class".

Yeah, she made that.

We had to get her to take it off

'cause it was causing a bit of friction with the other kids.

And the teachers. And the parents.

Everyone, actually.

32! And Ben's so bright as well.

And I love his attitude. He just throws himself into everything.

Including septic tanks.

Sorry?

Oh, it's a long story.

He did it for a bet.

Won a conker.

The French had some great kings.

Like the one who thought he was made of glass.

Which one was that? King Charles the Mad.

Why can't we have somebody like that, Dad?

Well, we might have soon.

And there was also King George III. He was cool. He talked to trees.

Why can't we have... We definitely have one of those.

Arggh! What's your problem, Jake?

It's flipping run out of battery, the stupid phone.

So I can talk to people who aren't sarcastic.

What's this trip got to do with World War II?

This day out is supposed to be researching my World War II project.

Well, not entirely.

How am I going to win if we don't go out anywhere World-War-II-ish?

This is so nice chatting with you like this.

You're more like a sister than a daughter-in-law.

You're my best mate.

Thanks.

Listen, Sue, I'd like you to have this.

I had some national savings certificates and stuff.

So... ?3,000?! No, Sandra...

Use it to help get Ben and Karen into a good state secondary.

What, do you mean for tuition?

No, no! You know, as a donation.

A bribe? Well, isn't that how things work?

No! No.

You have to pretend to be religious or lie about where you live.

Oh. And which are you going to do?

Neither!

Well, we did think about the religion but...

Well, Peter was wrong. The rain's held off.

I said, "Brenda, you should be as lucky as me.

I've got the best daughter-in-law in the world."

Oh, look at that!

What can the Queen do?

Can she tell the army to attack people?

No. Could she burn Protestants?

No! She IS a Protestant.

Can she say who's on the Royal Variety Show?

Well, no.

When then that's not fair.

What's the point of being queen if you can't boss anybody about?

What'd happen it the Queen and the Prime Minister had a fight?

Well, constitutionally... No, no, no, no.

If there was an actual fight between the Queen and the Prime Minster.

I mean, she might be old

but she might be able to stick her finger in his only eye.

What, I don't think Gordon Brown...

In some pictures, it looks like Gordon Brown's got two eyes.

Do they paint the other one on?

I think if she's queen, she should be able to chop people's heads off.

The Queen can't just kill people. She killed Diana.

No, she didn't. Well, her husband did.

He didn't.

You've been watching Channel Five again, haven't you?

Oh, it's easing off, let's get off here.

This isn't Trafalgar Square. No, but it's close enough.

Karen, don't run off.

What if a Prime Minister...

So you're phone's dead. Why can't you just enjoy what we're doing?

London is this amazing place

where all these amazing events have happened.

Yeah, HAVE happened. Not happening NOW, are they?

History...

the study of stuff that's not happening anymore.

You spend your life teaching it.

Listen, Sandra, um, it's such a lot of money.

I'm gonna have to discuss it with Pete.

Are you absolutely sure that Ian's OK with you giving it to us?

Oh, you have talked to Ian about it, haven't you?

No, we haven't talked about it.

We never really talk about anything, to tell you the truth.

To be honest, the marriage is dead

I suppose I should divorce him, really,

but I can't face the paperwork.

- 47! - Ben!

Your granny is treating us to this day out.

So don't spoil it for everyone.

Pete, I specifically asked you not to leave me alone with your mother.

Well, you're such a good listener.

Yeah, well, you need to talk to her

because she wants to give us a cheque...

Hang on, we've lost Ben already.

Karen.

Die! Die, Aslan, die! Oh, God.

Here we go.

Aslan is eating me. Help!

Can you tell me, please, what any of this has to do with World War II

and my project?

Yeah, I said it would take in elements of World War II.

We haven't been taking in any elements of World War II.

Well, Trafalgar Square was very important in World War II, Karen.

When the war was over, a lot of people came here to celebrate.

And they had a big party and everyone got drunk.

Those ones over there still haven't gone home.

Sorry?

Those drunks over there.

It was a... I was just...

Never mind.

Hey, is your sleeve wet?

Have you been taking money out of the fountain?

Yes. Do you want me to get you some?

No, I don't! Well, people throw it in there...

You can't take money that people have put in the fountain

'cause it's not your money.

Well, it's not theirs anymore, it's the fountain's.

And the fountain can't do anything if I take it.

No, those people could... They're idiots!

You're allowed to take money from idiots.

But they've put money in the fountain

because they were making a wish.

A wish?! Yeah, a wish.

But why would you throw money in some water to make a wish?

Well, I don't know, it's just...

Look, Mummy, I used to believe in all wishes and all this nonsense

but then my wish about Ben and the hyenas didn't come true.

Hyenas?

You cannot take that dead pigeon home with you.

But it'll be a cool experiment.

I'll see which bits decompose first.

Yes, you've already done that experiment,

with the dead crow that your mum found in your sock drawer.

The feathers lasted longer than the feet.

And, indeed, longer than the drawer,

which we had to burn.

Well, if people keep putting money in,

then it could build up,

then all the water could flow out

and then it could go down into the underground.

Well, that's not gonna...

And then all the trains wouldn't be able to go anymore

'cause they would slide off... Karen...

and that will be the end of all London.

And I'm preventing all that from happening.

Karen, Ben, come on, group shot. Come on, guys.

Look, a mime. Where's my shotgun?

Right, line up.

Still, Mum looks like she's having a good time, though.

She's just told me her marriage is dead.

Dead?

She says she and your dad don't talk anymore

and that the marriage is dead.

Oh, right.

It's awful, isn't it?

I knew that her and Dad haven't connected for a while

but I didn't...

She must be feeling miserable. You need to talk to her.

Me? No, I don't think I should.

I mean, I can't talk to her about personal things.

She's my mum.

So when I say "now", could you raise your hat, please?

No, I haven't said "now", I haven't said "now". Wait, wait.

Well, you're gonna have to have a conversation with her anyway.

Why?

She wants to give us a cheque for ?3,000.

- ?3,000?! - Dad! Dad!

I wanna tell you something, Dad.

There are four lines around Nelson's Column

because Nelson had four lions on his ship.

And that's why he won the War of Trafalgar.

No, I think Nelson's chances of winning the Battle of Trafalgar

would have been significantly reduced

had there been lions charging around the deck of HMS 'Victory'.

No, because, like, instead of having cannonballs in the cannons,

he could have, like, big circus cannons.

Circus cannon... They could put lions in them.

And then you could fire them onto the other ships.

And then the lions would eat everybody

and they'd, like, rip through the floorboards

and they'd rip the captain to shreds

and they'd end up steering the boat themselves...

The lions would drive the ship?

Then you'd have to buy another four lions from Africa

and these were the surviving ones.

The bronzed ones?

So did Nelson have four lions or what?

No, the lions represent England.

What, lions aren't English animals!

How many times have you seen... A lion...

a lion sitting in a Yorkshire field?

Nelson should have four English animals, like a frog or a badger

or a cow.

They're not very heroic, though, are they?

Or you could have, like, a big lion and it's eating half a cow.

Why?

'Cause, like, the lions are cool but then it has to be English.

Yeah, but... You've gotta make it realistic.

Right.

Maybe you could have a chick being eaten by a Tasmanian devil.

So a chicken is trying to escape from a Tasmanian devil...

Yeah.

To signify the glory of the Battle of Trafalgar?

There could be one Tasmanian devil wearing a little admiral hat

just to show it was Nelson.

So you've got a statue of a Tasmanian devil

in an admiral's hat, eating a chicken.

Well, that's the problem of the fourth print solved.

OK, better shift.

The mime's turning nasty.

You! You have to pay me!

Have you tried talking to Ian about...

Oh, no. The talking stopped sometime around 1993, I'm afraid.

And once the talking stops,

everything goes quiet in the bedroom department.

Not that Ian was ever James Bond between the sheets...

You have to talk to Pete about it.

You know, sharing can help sometimes.

No, sharing just makes more people miserable.

And down there behind the big security gate and the barriers,

that's where our Prime Minister cowers, in number 10.

If number one's a wee and number two is a poo,

I'd hate to be anywhere near a number 10.

Well, maybe it's five number twos. Eugh!

It brings a whole new meaning to, "The Prime Minister's in number 10."

This is just brilliant, isn't it?

We've sat here laughing about poos and wees,

on our way to somewhere where nothing's happening anymore.

Look, let's change the record.

Dad, no-one has records anymore, you stupid idiot.

Don't call me an idiot, Jake!

I hate days out.

The museums do your feet in and the kids do your head in.

Kneel before me, puny mortals.

Ben! Shh! Come down.

The page you want is always missing.

Her and her gallery. She's turning this into a bloody root march.

So that was modern art. Yes, darling.

It was rubbish.

Well...

Those bits of carpet stuck to the walls...

There was just some painting... That's quite interesting.

A globe in a fridge.

Well, something like that means, "Look at what we're doing..."

It's a globe in a fridge.

No, but it's quite a clear representation of global warming.

But they've got a light on in that globe,

which is actually making it worse, isn't it?

Only in the globe 'cause the fridge isn't on.

It doesn't even look good. I agree with you, Karen.

It's not proper art,

not like the pictures we saw in the National Gallery.

Well, the National Gallery was rubbish too.

What about the lovely Van Goghs?

It was all wiggly and he should have gone over it.

And the stars were all wiggly and 'sprouty',

it was like he was crazy or something.

And it had nothing to do with World War II.

She wasn't impressed with any of it.

Turner - too blurry.

Monet - too spotty.

Rubens - too many fat girls.

Rembrandt - not enough cats.

This print is ridiculously small.

So, what are we supposed to spend this 3,000 on?

I don't know.

Originally, it was a donation to get Karen and Ben into a good school.

A bribe?

Well, Jennifer's mum made a large donation to the new church hall.

But she didn't get Jennifer into the church school, did she?

No, she did.

That's why there was that big fight

between her and the real Christian mums at pick-up time.

God. That was embarrassing.

Ben and his mates standing in a big circle chanting "bitch fight".

So it was to help with the kids' education.

I don't know but you have to ask her.

Ben!

Oh!

Oh, hello. Is it working again?

No. Then why are you texting?

You're hitting the key pad like you're texting.

I'm sending the text I'd be sending

if my dad hadn't made me come somewhere I can't recharge my phone.

Do you think maybe you've got an addiction to mobile phones?

Do you think maybe you've got an addiction to being a prat?

Hey. Cut it out! Get off my case then!

You shouldn't say "prat", Jake.

I am not on your case! It's a bad word, like 'tosser'.

Yeah, alright, Karen. Thank you. But you are on my case.

Or 'pillock'. Yeah.

Or trannie. Look, OK, Karen.

Or... OK, Karen. That's not helpful.

Look, Jake, if you're...

It's not my fault you're in a bad mood, OK?

I'm not in a bad mood! Yes, you are!

You're always in a crappy mood when Gran's around.

That's the House of Commons, where the Government makes the law.

So... And which was bombed in WWII, Karen.

How do they decide which laws to make?

Well, they read the Daily Mail...

and do what it says.

How do they decide who's Prime Minister?

Well, there's an election and everyone votes to decide.

So is there, like, lots of people

and then they say, "The lines are now open,"

and then they all say,

"Oh, I've had a terrible life. All my family has died..."

It doesn't work entirely like that.

And then you vote off all the annoying ones

until there's just one left

and then they go,

"Boo-hoo. Boo-hoo. I'm so happy I'm Prime Minister now,"

and starts crying?

I think you're confusing democracy and The X-Factor.

Ben! Stay with us!

Don't go wandering off with any large groups.

You don't even know what a Tamil is,

let alone what they're demonstrating against.

They gave me a tangerine.

They were nicer than the Hare Krishnas.

Well, I don't wanna see you disappearing around corners

shouting "Death!" to someone.

It's unfair that we don't get to vote.

You've gotta have people over 18 voting

because they know about the world, you see, in a way...

Younger people would know who are good.

Older people think, "Oh, oh, oh, oh, I'm not quite sure,"

like, Grandad would think that the ugly people are good singers...

But you're talking about X-Factor again.

Old people's brains are all shrivelled and not so good.

But the younger people have more big juicy intelligent brains

that know lots.

Well, if you're so clever, who would you vote for as Prime Minister?

Simon Cowell.

Young juicy brains.

Hey, Ben, there's a couple!

Hey, I told you to stop that chav-spotting game.

We're not. Now we're spotting lesbians.

What?! You can't do that.

There's nothing wrong with it. Now you're being 'lesbianist'.

I am not lesbian...

Well, you shouldn't be prejudiced against fat people, thin people,

men who turned into women, women who turned into men,

gay people, ginger people...

Karen. People who come from Liverpool.

I'm not,

I'm just simply saying don't shout "lesbian" at them in the street.

Anyway, Steph's mum's a lesbian and she's really nice.

No, Karen. No. She's Lebanese.

She's from Lebanon.

Well, still, if she was...

Jake is really taking lumps out of me today.

Don't let it get to you. It's part of growing up, challenging his dad.

It's like Big Cat Diary when the young male takes on the patriarch

and kicks him out of the pride.

Not that you're gonna get...

I need a wee. Anybody else?

Me. Bags that I go first.

You really don't need any money. Today is my treat.

Quickly, in you go.

I'm all out of cash.

Well, that's fine 'cause you don't need any.

Ben, not so close. Ben.

Why?

People at cash points don't want people knowing their PIN numbers.

But I can still see it from back here.

Ben. But I'm not a robber.

So it's OK. Alright.

I'm not gonna tell anyone that her number's 4-5-6-7.

Ben!

Sorry.

He has exceptional eyesight.

Peter, all day long is my treat.

Well, tomorrow follows today.

What's it matter if I know her number?

Because only the person with the card is allowed to know the number.

But I know your number's 3-9-3-7. Oh, for God's sake!

Ben, this is ridiculous. Calm down! You're embarrassing us.

I'm embarrassing you?!

Do you know, I am sick and tired

of being embarrassed in public places by you lot.

Karen, I said wait!

Do you mind?

Let's just go to HMS 'Belfast'.

There, I've brought up Google Earth on my mobile

and I can use GPS to plot our route.

Or we could just use our eyes

and look for a bloody great ship in the middle of the river.

Dad, I'm gonna blow up that big building over there.

Well, lots of bankers work there so no-one will mind.

Hang on, are you allowed up there?

Um...

No, I don't think I am.

Well, get down then. Come on.

What does HMS 'Belfast' have to do with World War II?

Well, it's a large fighting ship of World War II,

which has been turned into a museum about World War II.

So it's ALL about World War II? Well, virtually all, yeah.

Well, which bits aren't?

Well, there's just a tiny bit

about what happened to the ship after the end of the war.

I don't want to see that. OK. Fine.

'Cause I want to win the prize on best project on World War II.

Well, what is the prize? It's a trip on HMS 'Belfast'.

But we're on... Mum, I need a wee.

Now!

Ben!

Come down off that mast!

This is a disabled toilet.

It's illegal to go in a disabled toilet.

No, it's not illegal.

The rules say that you can't use the disabled loos unless your desperate

because desperation is a temporary form of disability.

So in you come.

OK.

If you wanna find out about what happened in World Wars and stuff,

just ask the people who were there.

Well, we tried that with Grandad in the Korean War.

Karen's class probably won't want to hear

about the fight in the brothel in Seoul.

Who did we fight in the Korean War? Get down!

We were fighting the North Koreans and the Chinese.

Though, Grandad spent most of his time fighting Americans.

And the bloody navy.

Yes, and the bloody navy.

And that big prossie who spat in his rum.

I knew I shouldn't have left you alone with him.

Don't touch that!

Where's Gran?

Is she avoiding us?

Someone's waiting, Mummy. Karen, do NOT open the door.

Rarr!

Young man. Yeah?

Can I show you something?

Do that hard.

That hurts, doesn't it? No.

Well, it would do if you banged your head.

No, I tried it with my head earlier. That didn't hurt either.

Right.

Well, just be careful. We don't want anyone getting hurt here, do we?

It's a war ship. It sank the 'Scharnhorst'.

Well, all I'm saying is that getting hurt isn't cool.

You don't have kids, do you?

Yeah, alright.

Can't you see it's engaged?

Alright!

Mummy, why are you limping?

Shift, Karen.

But why are you limping?

Die, Nazi scum! Die!

Send those Germans to hell!

OK, Ben, come on, out you come.

Come on. Now.

I'd sink that submarine.

All ahead full, number one.

All ahead full. All head full.

Torpedo on the starboard bow, sir.

Torpedo on the starboard bow!

Hard to port! Hard to port.

My God. We've been hit!

What's the damage, Smugger?

I'm afraid she's going down.

Mayday! Mayday!

Abandon ship. Abandon ship!

Ben. Ben, Mum said you have to come downstairs.

But it was him!

Ben, Barack Obama does not drive a number 42 bus.

He's the leader of the free world. He can do what he wants.

How am I supposed to win the prize for best project on World War II

if you won't take me to Dunkirk?

Dunkirk is in Belgium.

Look, sweetheart, winning isn't everything.

No-one can win all the time. Well, I can.

I can smell success in my sweat.

Karen, I've told you,

The Apprentice is not a suitable show for a 7-year-old.

God, what's Ben up to now?

I love that do-or-die spirit in her, don't you?

I'm not sure that doing or dying is entirely necessary in a 7-year-old.

Are you and Gran going to argue? Of course not, darling.

When have we ever done that?

When Gran said you should get a job at the private sector.

Look, can you just... What is the private sector?

Karen, can you...

Ben, Mum says come downstairs.

Arggh!

Thank you for the offer. It's very kind.

But we just don't need your money.

They're doing fine at school. We just want them to be happy.

I want them to be happy. Of course I do.

But how are average people happy?

Is this about me? Everything isn't about you, Peter.

I very nearly made head of history last year.

Well, that's terrific. Who did?

Look, Mum, we just don't... You said you wouldn't argue.

No-one is having an argument.

We're having an argument. No, we're not.

If I think we're having an argument and you think that we're not,

that's arguing.

You see?

Very bright.

But I'm telling you it was really him.

Ben, Andrew Lloyd Webber would not be going through a litter bin.

How do you know?

Maybe he wrote a song and chucked it away by accident.

If only.

Ben, don't wander off.

You may be faster than me over a short distance

but you can't keep it up.

I can sprint for way longer than you.

No, you can't. Dad, Big Cat Diary.

Right, Karen! Come on, everyone, let's get going before rush hour.

Ben and commuters don't mix.

Go! Oh, for God's...

Uh, Sue, trouble brewing.

Oh, well, if he wants to give him his money, that's up to him.

I think he's trying to buy his dog.

Oh, no... No, Ben!

Oi! Idiot!

Oh, God.

Daddy just knocked over that woman!

All I'm saying - and I've said it again and again...

is don't run off like that.

But you shouldn't have been rude about my project.

Yes, well...

Well, you said, "I hope she comes last with her bloody project."

That's what you said.

Well... Yes.

OK, here's one for you.

You're adrift in a lifeboat

with Grandad, Simon Cowell, Gordon Ramsay and David Tennant.

Right.

Which one would you eat first?

Eat first?

Because your stranded and you can't get out.

You're in a big sea, which has electrified water.

But you shouted. No, I'm sorry I shouted.

But you shouldn't have run away like that. You gave us a terrible fright.

We couldn't find you. Well, that's because I was hiding.

Yes.

But it's not kind to... But I'm only seven.

And I'm still learning

but you should have learnt to keep your temper by now

because you're whatever age you are.

And who are you going to eat? No options?

No, apart from death.

Gordon Ramsay?

And how would you kill him? Would you, like, electrify him?

What, in the sea?

Yeah, you could go...

Look, the important thing is you must never run away.

And you must never shout at me.

OK, look, well, how about this...

I will do my best not to shout at you.

And I'll do my best not to run away.

Yep. That's...

No, hang on. Karen.

Which bit of Gordon Ramsay would you eat first?

Um, the fattest bit.

I'd eat his nose 'cause it's really, really big

and it would last you for about a week...

We're dining off Gordon Ramsay's nose.

So you're stranded in a lifeboat, you can't get out,

you've decided to kill Gordon Ramsay,

chop off his nose, grill it in electrified water, then eat it.

Yep.

One time, it had this battle in a storm and it sank this German ship

and this German ship, like, had a crew of 1,000 men or something

but still, all but 30 of them died.

Yeah, but it was crap.

A really crap historical day out.

What?

What?!

Pete, I know we said no to your mum's money but I've been thinking,

maybe we should get them a bit of tuition.

Maybe we should be pushing them a bit more.

Karen doesn't need pushing. She needs restraining.

Maybe with leg-irons.

I mean, obviously, we don't want to be pushy parents.

But we don't wanna be un-pushy parents.

Maybe we could be parents who just push their children... uphill.

The whole of life's uphill, isn't it?

How's your hamstring? It's fine.

You know, something happened to it right at the end, just when Jake...

Streaked past you.

Pete, you are gonna have a talk to your mum

about the whole... dead marriage thing, aren't you?

What would it achieve? I mean, I can't mend marriages, I'm not Trisha.

You don't have to achieve anything, you just have to be sympathetic...

Ben's on the loo but he's run out of paper.

Alright, I'll get him some.

You two can just sit down and have a nice chat.

It's fine. I know where it is. No, no...

I'm very happy to do it. Sandra, I'll go.

You two just sit down and have a nice natter.

So... how's Dad?

Fine.

How are you and Dad? Fine.

Fine.

Mum...

Cup of tea?

Peter, I'd really like you to take this money

and spend it on... anything...

a holiday or something.

I know you're a bit short.

It's not like you're loaded. Look, take it.

Please. As a favour to me.

It's important.

Mum, is something up? Everything's fine!

And it'll be even better if you take the money.

Something IS up, isn't it?

He said the pink paper's too girly so he'll have to have kitchen paper.

I'll take it.

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