All language subtitles for Outnumbered s03e01 The Funeral.eng

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29!

Ben! Stop playing Spot The Chav
and sit down.

I'm not telling you again.

So the flag wasn't flying
over Buckingham Palace

so the Queen's not there.

That's right.

So the Queen's out wearing hats
and shaking hands with people.

The Queen's boring.

The olden-day kings and queens
were much better.

I mean, like, Mary burned and killed
500 people,

which was why she was nicknamed
Bloody Mary,

but she should have been nicknamed
something a bit like Ashy Mary

or Flamy Mary or Bloody Flamy Mary.

Ben...
Number 30!

Ben, can you stop embarrassing me?
Sit down!

Thank you for giving me
such wonderful grandchildren.

I'm so proud Karen
is top in her class.

I don't think the school
do class positions, actually, Sandra.

But she had that badge,
"First in class".

Yeah, she made that.

We had to get her to take it off

'cause it was causing a bit
of friction with the other kids.

And the teachers. And the parents.

Everyone, actually.

32!
And Ben's so bright as well.

And I love his attitude. He just
throws himself into everything.

Including septic tanks.

Sorry?

Oh, it's a long story.

He did it for a bet.

Won a conker.

The French had some great kings.

Like the one who thought
he was made of glass.

Which one was that?
King Charles the Mad.

Why can't we have somebody
like that, Dad?

Well, we might have soon.

And there was also King George III.
He was cool. He talked to trees.

Why can't we have...
We definitely have one of those.

Arggh!
What's your problem, Jake?

It's flipping run out of battery,
the stupid phone.

So I can talk to people
who aren't sarcastic.

What's this trip
got to do with World War II?

This day out is supposed to be
researching my World War II project.

Well, not entirely.

How am I going to win if we don't
go out anywhere World-War-II-ish?

This is so nice
chatting with you like this.

You're more like a sister
than a daughter-in-law.

You're my best mate.

Thanks.

Listen, Sue,
I'd like you to have this.

I had some national
savings certificates and stuff.

So...
?3,000?! No, Sandra...

Use it to help get Ben and Karen
into a good state secondary.

What, do you mean for tuition?

No, no! You know, as a donation.

A bribe?
Well, isn't that how things work?

No! No.

You have to pretend to be religious
or lie about where you live.

Oh. And which
are you going to do?

Neither!

Well, we did think
about the religion but...

Well, Peter was wrong.
The rain's held off.

I said, "Brenda,
you should be as lucky as me.

I've got the best
daughter-in-law in the world."

Oh, look at that!

What can the Queen do?

Can she tell the army
to attack people?

No.
Could she burn Protestants?

No! She IS a Protestant.

Can she say who's on
the Royal Variety Show?

Well, no.

When then that's not fair.

What's the point of being queen
if you can't boss anybody about?

What'd happen it the Queen
and the Prime Minister had a fight?

Well, constitutionally...
No, no, no, no.

If there was an actual fight between
the Queen and the Prime Minster.

I mean, she might be old

but she might be able
to stick her finger in his only eye.

What, I don't think Gordon Brown...

In some pictures, it looks like
Gordon Brown's got two eyes.

Do they paint the other one on?

I think if she's queen, she should
be able to chop people's heads off.

The Queen can't just kill people.
She killed Diana.

No, she didn't.
Well, her husband did.

He didn't.

You've been watching Channel Five
again, haven't you?

Oh, it's easing off,
let's get off here.

This isn't Trafalgar Square.
No, but it's close enough.

Karen, don't run off.

What if a Prime Minister...

So you're phone's dead. Why can't
you just enjoy what we're doing?

London is this amazing place

where all these amazing events
have happened.

Yeah, HAVE happened.
Not happening NOW, are they?

History...

the study of stuff
that's not happening anymore.

You spend your life teaching it.

Listen, Sandra, um,
it's such a lot of money.

I'm gonna have to
discuss it with Pete.

Are you absolutely sure that
Ian's OK with you giving it to us?

Oh, you have talked to Ian
about it, haven't you?

No, we haven't talked about it.

We never really talk about anything,
to tell you the truth.

To be honest, the marriage is dead

I suppose I should
divorce him, really,

but I can't face the paperwork.

- 47!
- Ben!

Your granny is treating us
to this day out.

So don't spoil it for everyone.

Pete, I specifically asked you not
to leave me alone with your mother.

Well, you're such a good listener.

Yeah, well, you need to talk to her

because she wants
to give us a cheque...

Hang on, we've lost Ben already.

Karen.

Die! Die, Aslan, die!
Oh, God.

Here we go.

Aslan is eating me. Help!

Can you tell me, please, what any
of this has to do with World War II

and my project?

Yeah, I said it would take in
elements of World War II.

We haven't been taking in
any elements of World War II.

Well, Trafalgar Square was very
important in World War II, Karen.

When the war was over, a lot of
people came here to celebrate.

And they had a big party
and everyone got drunk.

Those ones over there
still haven't gone home.

Sorry?

Those drunks over there.

It was a... I was just...

Never mind.

Hey, is your sleeve wet?

Have you been taking money
out of the fountain?

Yes. Do you want me to get you some?

No, I don't!
Well, people throw it in there...

You can't take money that people
have put in the fountain

'cause it's not your money.

Well, it's not theirs anymore,
it's the fountain's.

And the fountain can't do anything
if I take it.

No, those people could...
They're idiots!

You're allowed to take money
from idiots.

But they've put money
in the fountain

because they were making a wish.

A wish?!
Yeah, a wish.

But why would you throw money
in some water to make a wish?

Well, I don't know, it's just...

Look, Mummy, I used to believe
in all wishes and all this nonsense

but then my wish about
Ben and the hyenas didn't come true.

Hyenas?

You cannot take that dead pigeon
home with you.

But it'll be a cool experiment.

I'll see which bits decompose first.

Yes, you've already done
that experiment,

with the dead crow that your mum
found in your sock drawer.

The feathers lasted longer
than the feet.

And, indeed, longer than the drawer,

which we had to burn.

Well, if people keep
putting money in,

then it could build up,

then all the water could flow out

and then it could go down
into the underground.

Well, that's not gonna...

And then all the trains
wouldn't be able to go anymore

'cause they would slide off...
Karen...

and that will be
the end of all London.

And I'm preventing
all that from happening.

Karen, Ben, come on, group shot.
Come on, guys.

Look, a mime. Where's my shotgun?

Right, line up.

Still, Mum looks like
she's having a good time, though.

She's just told me
her marriage is dead.

Dead?

She says she and your dad
don't talk anymore

and that the marriage is dead.

Oh, right.

It's awful, isn't it?

I knew that her and Dad
haven't connected for a while

but I didn't...

She must be feeling miserable.
You need to talk to her.

Me? No, I don't think I should.

I mean, I can't talk to her
about personal things.

She's my mum.

So when I say "now",
could you raise your hat, please?

No, I haven't said "now",
I haven't said "now". Wait, wait.

Well, you're gonna have to have
a conversation with her anyway.

Why?

She wants to give us
a cheque for ?3,000.

- ?3,000?!
- Dad! Dad!

I wanna tell you something, Dad.

There are four lines
around Nelson's Column

because Nelson had four lions
on his ship.

And that's why he won
the War of Trafalgar.

No, I think Nelson's chances of
winning the Battle of Trafalgar

would have been
significantly reduced

had there been lions charging
around the deck of HMS 'Victory'.

No, because, like, instead of having
cannonballs in the cannons,

he could have, like,
big circus cannons.

Circus cannon...
They could put lions in them.

And then you could fire them
onto the other ships.

And then the lions
would eat everybody

and they'd, like,
rip through the floorboards

and they'd rip the captain to shreds

and they'd end up
steering the boat themselves...

The lions would drive the ship?

Then you'd have to buy
another four lions from Africa

and these were the surviving ones.

The bronzed ones?

So did Nelson have four lions
or what?

No, the lions represent England.

What, lions aren't English animals!

How many times have you seen...
A lion...

a lion sitting
in a Yorkshire field?

Nelson should have four English
animals, like a frog or a badger

or a cow.

They're not very heroic, though,
are they?

Or you could have, like, a big lion
and it's eating half a cow.

Why?

'Cause, like, the lions are cool
but then it has to be English.

Yeah, but...
You've gotta make it realistic.

Right.

Maybe you could have a chick
being eaten by a Tasmanian devil.

So a chicken is trying to escape
from a Tasmanian devil...

Yeah.

To signify the glory
of the Battle of Trafalgar?

There could be one Tasmanian devil
wearing a little admiral hat

just to show it was Nelson.

So you've got a statue
of a Tasmanian devil

in an admiral's hat,
eating a chicken.

Well, that's the problem
of the fourth print solved.

OK, better shift.

The mime's turning nasty.

You! You have to pay me!

Have you tried
talking to Ian about...

Oh, no. The talking stopped
sometime around 1993, I'm afraid.

And once the talking stops,

everything goes quiet
in the bedroom department.

Not that Ian was ever James Bond
between the sheets...

You have to talk to Pete about it.

You know, sharing can help sometimes.

No, sharing just makes
more people miserable.

And down there behind the big
security gate and the barriers,

that's where our Prime Minister
cowers, in number 10.

If number one's a wee
and number two is a poo,

I'd hate to be anywhere near
a number 10.

Well, maybe it's five number twos.
Eugh!

It brings a whole new meaning to,
"The Prime Minister's in number 10."

This is just brilliant, isn't it?

We've sat here
laughing about poos and wees,

on our way to somewhere
where nothing's happening anymore.

Look, let's change the record.

Dad, no-one has records anymore,
you stupid idiot.

Don't call me an idiot, Jake!

I hate days out.

The museums do your feet in
and the kids do your head in.

Kneel before me, puny mortals.

Ben! Shh! Come down.

The page you want is always missing.

Her and her gallery. She's turning
this into a bloody root march.

So that was modern art.
Yes, darling.

It was rubbish.

Well...

Those bits of carpet
stuck to the walls...

There was just some painting...
That's quite interesting.

A globe in a fridge.

Well, something like that means,
"Look at what we're doing..."

It's a globe in a fridge.

No, but it's quite a clear
representation of global warming.

But they've got a light on
in that globe,

which is actually
making it worse, isn't it?

Only in the globe
'cause the fridge isn't on.

It doesn't even look good.
I agree with you, Karen.

It's not proper art,

not like the pictures we saw
in the National Gallery.

Well, the National Gallery
was rubbish too.

What about the lovely Van Goghs?

It was all wiggly
and he should have gone over it.

And the stars were all wiggly
and 'sprouty',

it was like he was crazy
or something.

And it had nothing
to do with World War II.

She wasn't impressed with any of it.

Turner - too blurry.

Monet - too spotty.

Rubens - too many fat girls.

Rembrandt - not enough cats.

This print is ridiculously small.

So, what are we supposed
to spend this 3,000 on?

I don't know.

Originally, it was a donation to get
Karen and Ben into a good school.

A bribe?

Well, Jennifer's mum made a large
donation to the new church hall.

But she didn't get Jennifer
into the church school, did she?

No, she did.

That's why there was that big fight

between her and the real
Christian mums at pick-up time.

God. That was embarrassing.

Ben and his mates standing in
a big circle chanting "bitch fight".

So it was to help
with the kids' education.

I don't know
but you have to ask her.

Ben!

Oh!

Oh, hello. Is it working again?

No.
Then why are you texting?

You're hitting the key pad
like you're texting.

I'm sending the text I'd be sending

if my dad hadn't made me come
somewhere I can't recharge my phone.

Do you think maybe you've got
an addiction to mobile phones?

Do you think maybe you've got
an addiction to being a prat?

Hey. Cut it out!
Get off my case then!

You shouldn't say "prat", Jake.

I am not on your case!
It's a bad word, like 'tosser'.

Yeah, alright, Karen. Thank you.
But you are on my case.

Or 'pillock'.
Yeah.

Or trannie.
Look, OK, Karen.

Or...
OK, Karen. That's not helpful.

Look, Jake, if you're...

It's not my fault
you're in a bad mood, OK?

I'm not in a bad mood!
Yes, you are!

You're always in a crappy mood
when Gran's around.

That's the House of Commons,
where the Government makes the law.

So...
And which was bombed in WWII, Karen.

How do they decide
which laws to make?

Well, they read the Daily Mail...

and do what it says.

How do they decide
who's Prime Minister?

Well, there's an election
and everyone votes to decide.

So is there, like, lots of people

and then they say,
"The lines are now open,"

and then they all say,

"Oh, I've had a terrible life.
All my family has died..."

It doesn't work entirely like that.

And then you vote off
all the annoying ones

until there's just one left

and then they go,

"Boo-hoo. Boo-hoo. I'm so happy
I'm Prime Minister now,"

and starts crying?

I think you're confusing democracy
and The X-Factor.

Ben! Stay with us!

Don't go wandering off
with any large groups.

You don't even know what a Tamil is,

let alone what
they're demonstrating against.

They gave me a tangerine.

They were nicer
than the Hare Krishnas.

Well, I don't wanna see you
disappearing around corners

shouting "Death!" to someone.

It's unfair
that we don't get to vote.

You've gotta have
people over 18 voting

because they know about the world,
you see, in a way...

Younger people
would know who are good.

Older people think, "Oh, oh,
oh, oh, I'm not quite sure,"

like, Grandad would think that
the ugly people are good singers...

But you're talking
about X-Factor again.

Old people's brains
are all shrivelled and not so good.

But the younger people have
more big juicy intelligent brains

that know lots.

Well, if you're so clever, who would
you vote for as Prime Minister?

Simon Cowell.

Young juicy brains.

Hey, Ben, there's a couple!

Hey, I told you to stop
that chav-spotting game.

We're not.
Now we're spotting lesbians.

What?! You can't do that.

There's nothing wrong with it.
Now you're being 'lesbianist'.

I am not lesbian...

Well, you shouldn't be prejudiced
against fat people, thin people,

men who turned into women,
women who turned into men,

gay people, ginger people...

Karen.
People who come from Liverpool.

I'm not,

I'm just simply saying don't shout
"lesbian" at them in the street.

Anyway, Steph's mum's a lesbian
and she's really nice.

No, Karen. No. She's Lebanese.

She's from Lebanon.

Well, still, if she was...

Jake is really
taking lumps out of me today.

Don't let it get to you. It's part
of growing up, challenging his dad.

It's like Big Cat Diary when the
young male takes on the patriarch

and kicks him out of the pride.

Not that you're gonna get...

I need a wee. Anybody else?

Me. Bags that I go first.

You really don't need any money.
Today is my treat.

Quickly, in you go.

I'm all out of cash.

Well, that's fine
'cause you don't need any.

Ben, not so close. Ben.

Why?

People at cash points don't want
people knowing their PIN numbers.

But I can still see it
from back here.

Ben.
But I'm not a robber.

So it's OK.
Alright.

I'm not gonna tell anyone
that her number's 4-5-6-7.

Ben!

Sorry.

He has exceptional eyesight.

Peter, all day long is my treat.

Well, tomorrow follows today.

What's it matter
if I know her number?

Because only the person with the card
is allowed to know the number.

But I know your number's 3-9-3-7.
Oh, for God's sake!

Ben, this is ridiculous.
Calm down! You're embarrassing us.

I'm embarrassing you?!

Do you know, I am sick and tired

of being embarrassed
in public places by you lot.

Karen, I said wait!

Do you mind?

Let's just go to HMS 'Belfast'.

There, I've brought up Google Earth
on my mobile

and I can use GPS to plot our route.

Or we could just use our eyes

and look for a bloody great ship
in the middle of the river.

Dad, I'm gonna blow up
that big building over there.

Well, lots of bankers work there
so no-one will mind.

Hang on, are you allowed up there?

Um...

No, I don't think I am.

Well, get down then. Come on.

What does HMS 'Belfast'
have to do with World War II?

Well, it's a large fighting ship
of World War II,

which has been turned into a museum
about World War II.

So it's ALL about World War II?
Well, virtually all, yeah.

Well, which bits aren't?

Well, there's just a tiny bit

about what happened to the ship
after the end of the war.

I don't want to see that.
OK. Fine.

'Cause I want to win the prize
on best project on World War II.

Well, what is the prize?
It's a trip on HMS 'Belfast'.

But we're on...
Mum, I need a wee.

Now!

Ben!

Come down off that mast!

This is a disabled toilet.

It's illegal
to go in a disabled toilet.

No, it's not illegal.

The rules say that you can't use the
disabled loos unless your desperate

because desperation
is a temporary form of disability.

So in you come.

OK.

If you wanna find out about what
happened in World Wars and stuff,

just ask the people who were there.

Well, we tried that with Grandad
in the Korean War.

Karen's class
probably won't want to hear

about the fight in the brothel
in Seoul.

Who did we fight in the Korean War?
Get down!

We were fighting the North Koreans
and the Chinese.

Though, Grandad spent
most of his time fighting Americans.

And the bloody navy.

Yes, and the bloody navy.

And that big prossie
who spat in his rum.

I knew I shouldn't
have left you alone with him.

Don't touch that!

Where's Gran?

Is she avoiding us?

Someone's waiting, Mummy.
Karen, do NOT open the door.

Rarr!

Young man.
Yeah?

Can I show you something?

Do that hard.

That hurts, doesn't it?
No.

Well, it would do
if you banged your head.

No, I tried it with my head earlier.
That didn't hurt either.

Right.

Well, just be careful. We don't want
anyone getting hurt here, do we?

It's a war ship.
It sank the 'Scharnhorst'.

Well, all I'm saying is that
getting hurt isn't cool.

You don't have kids, do you?

Yeah, alright.

Can't you see it's engaged?

Alright!

Mummy, why are you limping?

Shift, Karen.

But why are you limping?

Die, Nazi scum! Die!

Send those Germans to hell!

OK, Ben, come on, out you come.

Come on. Now.

I'd sink that submarine.

All ahead full, number one.

All ahead full. All head full.

Torpedo on the starboard bow, sir.

Torpedo on the starboard bow!

Hard to port! Hard to port.

My God. We've been hit!

What's the damage, Smugger?

I'm afraid she's going down.

Mayday! Mayday!

Abandon ship. Abandon ship!

Ben. Ben, Mum said
you have to come downstairs.

But it was him!

Ben, Barack Obama does not drive
a number 42 bus.

He's the leader of the free world.
He can do what he wants.

How am I supposed to win the prize
for best project on World War II

if you won't take me to Dunkirk?

Dunkirk is in Belgium.

Look, sweetheart,
winning isn't everything.

No-one can win all the time.
Well, I can.

I can smell success in my sweat.

Karen, I've told you,

The Apprentice is not
a suitable show for a 7-year-old.

God, what's Ben up to now?

I love that do-or-die spirit in her,
don't you?

I'm not sure that doing or dying is
entirely necessary in a 7-year-old.

Are you and Gran going to argue?
Of course not, darling.

When have we ever done that?

When Gran said you should get a job
at the private sector.

Look, can you just...
What is the private sector?

Karen, can you...

Ben, Mum says come downstairs.

Arggh!

Thank you for the offer.
It's very kind.

But we just don't need your money.

They're doing fine at school.
We just want them to be happy.

I want them to be happy.
Of course I do.

But how are average people happy?

Is this about me?
Everything isn't about you, Peter.

I very nearly made head of history
last year.

Well, that's terrific. Who did?

Look, Mum, we just don't...
You said you wouldn't argue.

No-one is having an argument.

We're having an argument.
No, we're not.

If I think we're having an argument
and you think that we're not,

that's arguing.

You see?

Very bright.

But I'm telling you
it was really him.

Ben, Andrew Lloyd Webber would not
be going through a litter bin.

How do you know?

Maybe he wrote a song
and chucked it away by accident.

If only.

Ben, don't wander off.

You may be faster than me
over a short distance

but you can't keep it up.

I can sprint for way longer
than you.

No, you can't.
Dad, Big Cat Diary.

Right, Karen! Come on, everyone,
let's get going before rush hour.

Ben and commuters don't mix.

Go!
Oh, for God's...

Uh, Sue, trouble brewing.

Oh, well, if he wants to give him
his money, that's up to him.

I think he's trying to buy his dog.

Oh, no... No, Ben!

Oi! Idiot!

Oh, God.

Daddy just knocked over that woman!

All I'm saying - and I've said it
again and again...

is don't run off like that.

But you shouldn't have been rude
about my project.

Yes, well...

Well, you said, "I hope she
comes last with her bloody project."

That's what you said.

Well... Yes.

OK, here's one for you.

You're adrift in a lifeboat

with Grandad, Simon Cowell,
Gordon Ramsay and David Tennant.

Right.

Which one would you eat first?

Eat first?

Because your stranded
and you can't get out.

You're in a big sea,
which has electrified water.

But you shouted.
No, I'm sorry I shouted.

But you shouldn't have run away like
that. You gave us a terrible fright.

We couldn't find you.
Well, that's because I was hiding.

Yes.

But it's not kind to...
But I'm only seven.

And I'm still learning

but you should have learnt
to keep your temper by now

because you're whatever age you are.

And who are you going to eat?
No options?

No, apart from death.

Gordon Ramsay?

And how would you kill him?
Would you, like, electrify him?

What, in the sea?

Yeah, you could go...

Look, the important thing is
you must never run away.

And you must never shout at me.

OK, look, well, how about this...

I will do my best
not to shout at you.

And I'll do my best not to run away.

Yep. That's...

No, hang on. Karen.

Which bit of Gordon Ramsay
would you eat first?

Um, the fattest bit.

I'd eat his nose
'cause it's really, really big

and it would last you
for about a week...

We're dining off
Gordon Ramsay's nose.

So you're stranded in a lifeboat,
you can't get out,

you've decided
to kill Gordon Ramsay,

chop off his nose, grill it
in electrified water, then eat it.

Yep.

One time, it had this battle in a
storm and it sank this German ship

and this German ship, like,
had a crew of 1,000 men or something

but still, all but 30 of them died.

Yeah, but it was crap.

A really crap historical day out.

What?

What?!

Pete, I know we said no to your
mum's money but I've been thinking,

maybe we should get them
a bit of tuition.

Maybe we should be
pushing them a bit more.

Karen doesn't need pushing.
She needs restraining.

Maybe with leg-irons.

I mean, obviously,
we don't want to be pushy parents.

But we don't wanna
be un-pushy parents.

Maybe we could be parents who
just push their children... uphill.

The whole of life's uphill, isn't it?

How's your hamstring?
It's fine.

You know, something happened to it
right at the end, just when Jake...

Streaked past you.

Pete, you are gonna
have a talk to your mum

about the whole...
dead marriage thing, aren't you?

What would it achieve? I mean, I
can't mend marriages, I'm not Trisha.

You don't have to achieve anything,
you just have to be sympathetic...

Ben's on the loo
but he's run out of paper.

Alright, I'll get him some.

You two can just sit down
and have a nice chat.

It's fine. I know where it is.
No, no...

I'm very happy to do it.
Sandra, I'll go.

You two just sit down
and have a nice natter.

So... how's Dad?

Fine.

How are you and Dad?
Fine.

Fine.

Mum...

Cup of tea?

Peter, I'd really like you
to take this money

and spend it on... anything...

a holiday or something.

I know you're a bit short.

It's not like you're loaded.
Look, take it.

Please. As a favour to me.

It's important.

Mum, is something up?
Everything's fine!

And it'll be even better
if you take the money.

Something IS up, isn't it?

He said the pink paper's too girly
so he'll have to have kitchen paper.

I'll take it.

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