Original subtitles

Ho ho ho ho! It's the Dad Monster.

You're lying! You said it wasn't safe to...

I know, but some things it's kinder not to repeat.

You shouldn't have said that, should you?

It's not fair, but I was...

but he hurts my feelings and I'm not allowed to hurt his.

But he can't help it, can he? He's old.

And I can't help it but I'm young.

Listen, keep your voice down because he's only next door.

When you're old, you don't have to listen. You can say, "Oh, oh...

"what's that? Oh, just... Oh, what?"

And then... Yes, that's... You don't have to listen.

You just say "What? Oh... Oh, yeah, sure", But you don't actually hear.

Right. For the interactive version, press the...

Press the red button? I don't want to press the red button!

Why have I got to keep pressing the red button?

TV BLARES

Right, there you are. It switches off, you see!

And besides, when you're old...

you have a smell...that...

that you can always know that it's them

so that you know when they're near.

Right. Like...like a smell of...

of what you do most, like Granddad's is, um...

forgetfulness, he smells of forgetfulness.

It's a nice smell though, isn't it?

Not particularly.

Pete, can you come and take over please?

Yeah, come on...go on... No!

Go up and clean your teeth. Go on, I've got to help your Mum.

I just need to finish getting ready.

Karen! Hurry up, please.

Oh, why are all your operators busy?

Then get more operators. I thought people were cheap in India.

Life's cheap in India. Sorry?

Two million children die every year before the age of five.

Yeah, I...no, I wasn't saying I approve of the cheapness of...

No, human life is obviously very im...

Oh, God, the fridge is going nuts again.

Jake, can you take the phone for a bit.

Let me know if any real people come on.

Indians are real people, Dad.

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll get it! Is it the same babysitter as last time? No. Why not?

You know why not.

Pete, this is Draxi,

and this is Ben...

Hello, Ben. Oh! This is Karen.

And this is Jake and Jake's friend Jo.

But she'll be going home at some point. You have nice children.

Thank you. You take a turn listening.

Right. There are snacks in the fridge. These are our mobile numbers

and this is a list of things Ben will tell you that aren't true.

OK. And, er...who is? Oh, that's my Dad. He stay?

Yes. Oh. So why I come to...? Well...

He, um...he has early Alzheimer's.

Eh? Dementia?

Old people... They're saying he's... Ben!

Oh, yes! We said not to do that. We told you not to do that.

But he is safe, yes? Oh, yes. OK, cool. Yes.

OK. You go...go have nice night.

Here is no problem. OK, we go...

Off we go... Let's make a break for it. Enjoy yourselves! Thanks.

Oh, yeah, by the way, me and Jo just thought we'd nip out to the cinema, but that's cool, isn't it?

Right. Have a good time.

Wha...wha...why...? Just the two of you? Oh, no there's a gang of us.

Yeah. We'll be back by 10.30 and it's not a school day tomorrow, so it's fine. 10.30, Jake?

You're only 12. Well, Jo's got the tickets already and everyone else's parents have said yes.

Have your parents said yes? Oh, yes. They'll be cool. Can I hang up now?

Yeah. There's a stupid man who keeps asking questions. Oh, give it to me!

Anyway, I promise I'll be back by 10.30.

Hello? Hang on, hang on. Is it the Cineplex you're planning to go to?

Well, I'm sorry you had to wait.

I've only had to wait...71 minutes.

Oh, yeah, Dad. Like, what are you so worried about?

shooting there last week.

Yeah, Dad, that was outside. He's right!

Yes, but to get to the inside, you have to go through the outside.

Well, how come other parents think it's fine? Yes, how come?

Karen, can you stay out of this?

If that sentence ends, "transfer you to another department",

please don't say it because I will stab myself. No, not you.

It's me I'll stab...

No! Myself!

It's me. I'll stab myself!

I'm sorry, Jake, but I think this time it has to be a no.

Oh, come on, Dad, that's not fair! No, it isn't fair.

She put me back on hold again... put me back on hold. Sod 'em! Is it tonight you're going out?

Yes. I was just explaining to Jake that it has to be a no.

I'm afraid so, darling. Well, is it tonight? Yes, Dad.

What is wrong with you? Yes, what is wrong with you? Karen!

BEN HOWLS Ben! Don't do the wolf thing.

You said you were going out and I wondered if it's tonight.

You are being ridiculous! Yes!

Karen's six and even she thinks you're being ridiculous. Tonight? Look, I don't get where I'll die.

Is it tonight? I'm going to the cinema. Bye, Draxi!

Oh, yeah, just leave! Good parents, aren't you(?) Just walk off!

The thing about Tyson is he's hardly like a boss at all,

he's always cracking jokes. He's so funny. You would really like him.

Yeah, I'm sure.

And he's so spontaneous. I mean, with someone like him, work isn't a grind at all.

Well, that's good, that's good, that's, er...

that's good. Sorry, I shouldn't keep banging on about him.

No, look, I'm... I'm pleased you have such a fun boss.

Do you think we did the right thing with Jake?

Should we have checked with other parents.

Look, I don't know, but do you think, just for once,

we could talk about something other than family stuff?

Yeah. Yeah, you're right.

God, how long is it since we've been out together? Oh...

it's ages. Hmm.

It really is ages.

Yeah...

Ages.

Well, this is nice.

Yeah.

Yep.

You see, the thing is, Draxi...

I've got to go to bed at eight, unless I play video games,

because they're educational, and that means I'm allowed to bed at ten.

You go to bed at ten o'clock?

Hmmm. See! It's not on the list.

Ah, Ben!

Funny boy!

It's just crap. It's not fair, is it?

No. They all go on about respect but they're not showing me any.

No. It's double standards, that's what it is.

Stalin's organ grinder.

That's what they call that rocket launcher.

Oh, great, look! Now she's gone and given my ticket to Billy.

Word of advice, Jake.

Never invade Russia.

If you do, you'll regret it.

Thanks, Granddad.

I'll try and remember that.

Our last babysitter went back to Poland, where children are nice.

And she had a funny eye that kept going like this.

And then she started breathing real funny, like this... KAREN GASPS

but I am from Croatia.

What do you know about Croatia?

Well...

It's full of crows and it's in Asia.

Croatish people seek asylum, then they're plumbers,

and then our plumbers have no jobs and starve,

but that's good because they're rubbish and eat all our biscuits.

There is any one thing you need to know about Croatia -

we kick your butts at football twice! Now, time for bed!

Draxi, do you think Ben's hair looks like a girl's?

Because that's what Floella said at school. No!

Looks like a buffalo. Very strong, very cool!

Is this what girl at school say?

You no worry, Ben. She is bitch.

Now, time for bed.

But Granddad has the big TV and bed is boring.

We play games. Yeah! Yes!

How's your...?

It's a bit cold, actually. I think it's supposed to be cold.

Oh, in that case it's a bit warm. Listen, Sue...about your Dad...

I really don't think it's safe to go and live back at his place.

Oh, God, I know.

Sometimes he seems so completely fine and...

Oh, God, Tyson told us this heartbreaking story about his Dad.

He actually filled up at one point, when he... Oh, did he?

Look, your Dad, if he's not safe to leave on his own with the children,

then we have to chat with him about...

..what's practical. Yeah, but not at the weekend.

Not with children around, it's not a very good time.

But there is no good time.

No, I suppose not. Oh, sod it!

Let's talk to him when we get home. When we're a bit drunk, you mean?

Exactly.

Is this table satisfactory for Madame?

Is nice, yes.

Here is, um, our menu...

and special today is Coco Pops.

Oh, yes. OK, yes, please. This one. I'll have Coco Pops as well.

Excuse me, Sir, have you made a reservation? No.

Sorry, we're full.

What do you mean you're full? It's full with pretend people.

Well, of course they are pretend people!

It's my pretend restaurant and I can do what I like.

Now, I'm going to have to ask you to leave, sir.

We have a no boys rule.

"I'm sorry, we have a no boys rule?" And we have a no-hair-like-girls rule!

Well, you've got hair like a girl!

But I am a girl! So it doesn't matter. OK, whoa, whoa.

OK! Now, Ben. OK, hey, hey, hey. No. You can eat with me.

You are my date.

We will both have the Coco Pops.

All right, then.

They'll be coming out of the Cineplex now.

Jo and Billy and the rest of them.

And 12 mums and dads are totally cool about it.

Well, six mums and four dads

cos Shanta and Billy don't have... Well, they have Dads, but...

There was this girl when I was young, Jake.

And what happened?

Pearl Harbour.

Word of advice, Jake.

Never trust... The Japanese.

Thanks, Granddad.

Thank you, Ben, for taking me to nice restaurant.

Hello, Ben?

Ben, why you no talk to me?

Because it's a date and I'm playing hard to get.

Joey told Chandler that's what girls like.

Do you watch Friends? Your Coco Pops, Madame.

Thank you. And...yours! BOWL CLATTERS

That's not how you treat a customer! You treat them with respect.

That's the worst service I've ever had.

Well, if you had a restaurant, yours wouldn't be any better...

You're a rubbish... OK, OK, time out, make peace.

Peace, love. It was nice food, thank you very much.

My date and I must leave, so please may we have the bill?

Here is your bill. It was RUBBISH service! Ssh!

OK, here is your money.

I'm sorry, we don't accept pretend money.

Oh. It's OK. My date. He'll pay.

So is Tyson black? No, why?

Well, Tyson, it's a name you can get away with if you're black,

but if you're white it's just a bit...well...

Well, I shouldn't think he named himself. He did, actually.

Leave me alone! Shut it, you slag!

God, I wish the WI would hold their meetings somewhere else.

What do you mean, "He did, actually?"

He was christened Thomas.

I was just doing a bit of Googling the other night

your new employer. You were spying.

It's not spying, Sue. It's Googling.

Anyway, I'm pleased you got this new job.

I was just taking an interest.

And I was really intrigued as to what kind of company would offer a job to someone like yourself.

And what is myself like?

Well, a mother,

with limited hours,

returning to the work environment.

Are you saying you're surprised Tyson offered me the job?

God, no, no, no, no. I mean, I would offer you a job like a shot.

It's just that you don't have any actual experience of web design

and Tyson seems very relaxed about...

Do you feel threatened by him? I don't think I could be threatened by someone who calls himself Tyson.

Right.

It just seemed unusually well paid and... Are you saying

that you think he only offered me the job because he fancied me?

No, don't be ridiculous!

Ridiculous?

No, no, not, not ridiculous.

I mean, he might well fancy you. I mean, I'd fancy you. I...

I do fancy you. And he probably fancies...

I was just Googling.

Pudding?

So call us now. The numbers are...

Stop! Oh, God, he's there again. Bloody well go away!

Dad, are you OK? What?

I've lost the History Channel and now all these people keep telling me to phone them.

Well, they're shopping channels. Sho...?

CHILDREN GIGGLE

Draxi? Shopping channels?

Everything all right, Draxi? You OK?

Hello! Hello! Right.

So everyone's still up at 11.15?

They could not sleep, so I teach Karen Five Card Stud.

She teach me cartwheel.

Ben, he bump shelf during kick-boxing.

There is little blood but he is OK and shelf I fix.

Ben was doing kick-boxing? Yes.

It was not on the list. OK, Ben, Karen, up to bed, like you promise.

Night, Dad! Night night.

Night, Draxi. Nice evening?

Yeah... Yeah, lovely.

There you go. TV: The decision to drop the bomb...

Ah, Hiroshima!

That's more like it. Ah, bollocks! What are you doing?

Just seeing if we'd been reconnected.

Oh, look, here comes Eisenhower.

I think that driver's the bird he was knocking off.

Thank you, Simon Schama. Bye, Karen!

Bye, Ben! I love your hair! Bye, Draxi!

Your children very nice, very fun. If you like, I come again.

Again?

You would be prepared to come again?

Yes. Oh, right.

Well, thank you.

Bye-bye.

What time do you call this?

What? You said you'd be back at 11.

Well, we only said about. Well, you should be back at the time you said.

Look, I know you're upset... I'm not!

I know it's not about Jo but why don't you ask her over tomorrow?

You really think she'd come round after the way you behaved?

Well... I'm really disappointed in you, and you both need to have a good think about what you've done.

You've embarrassed me and you've embarrassed yourselves.

THEY STIFLE GIGGLES Oh, forget it!

Do you think he noticed the giggling?

Oh, no, no, no, no. You were very subtle.

Oh, look, I'm sorry about the Googling and the fancying and the...

Look, I'm just sorry.

Blimey, I'm knackered!

Nice night, was it?

Yeah.

Dad?

There's something that we've been meaning

to talk to you about for a while now.

Is this about not lifting up the toilet seat?

Yeah. Yeah, it is.

Sorry about that.

Not quite the sharpshooter I used to be.

Sorry.

I promise we'll talk to him in the morning.

I've been blaming that toilet seat thing on Ben!

ALARMS BLARE

Oh. The Council think we're late paying the council tax.

Yeah, well, they didn't collect the Christmas trees till March.

That's what I call late.

Oh! Here's another one.

At least we're both earning now.

If you go for the Head of History job. There's no future in history.

Well...

They'll abolish it soon.

OK.

We'll talk to him this morning.

Aye, aye. Deep depression heading this way.

Morning, Mum! Morning, Dad! Morning! Sleep all right?

Yeah, good. You? Er, yeah. Yeah, I did, thanks for asking.

Well, now I'm really bewildered.

My guess is he's had a text from Jo. Actually, I don't know why I said that. I had a terrible night.

I was down here at four ringing the phone company.

4am? Yeah. I thought there'd be less of a queue.

And there was a really helpful woman. She even found our job number.

You mean they've fixed it?

No, don't be silly! She did say she would get her supervisor to ring

the minute he came on shift this morning.

I'm glad you're still alive.

Sorry?

Oh, I had a dream last night that there was this big rolling pin

with spikes and two of them here and you tried to get through them

but, but, but they killed you before you could get to the lovely nice teddies.

You got crushed. So you dreamt I was killed by a large rolling pin...

with spikes? Yeah.

OK. Why do we have the nightmares?

Because isn't your brain on your side?

Yeah, the brain's on your side, I think it's just...

One time I woke up and I only had four fingers like the Simpsons.

I went into Ben's room

and he had...

and he had my finger sellotaped on, and so he had...

one, two, three, four, five... He had six fingers all on one hand.

Sure that's a dream? It does sound like something Ben might do.

TV BLARES

Bank.

Bank.

Bank!

Bank it!

Bank! Do you have dreams and can you remember your dream?

Bank it! Yeah, I had a very weird dream last night,

about your mum, and your mum's boss, which is a bit strange

because I don't even know him, but he and your mum were on a football team together.

Well, that's... that's probably us working together.

Yeah.

And then you were on this coach.

I wonder what we were doing on a coach?

You were playing away from home.

Bank it! Ben. Have you had any dreams?

Yeah. I had a dream about this girl who lives in Spain.

She stumbled into a forest, where like there's this big cave where a creature is.

And a rule says - do not take his food

but the silly old girl does and then the creature chases the girl going, "Aaaah!"

cos he has his eyes in his hands and that was it.

That's the plot to Pan's Labyrinth, isn't it?

Oh, all right! PHONE RINGS

That'll be...the supervisor. ..Hello?

Oh, shut your poxy mouth!

It's OK. It's one of those recorded sales pitches. Can I watch cartoons?

Yeah, OK, but don't come into the living room. Why not?

We are going to have an important chat with your Granddad, aren't we?

Is that from Jo? Mind your own business.

You know what you need to do with Jo? Give her space.

Guys, can you shut up, I'm trying to concentrate here?

How can you give somebody space? How can you wrap space?

If you don't give her space, she'll look for commitment.

What's commitment? I have no idea but that's what Trisha said.

She's not a girlfriend, she's just a friend who's a girl.

Girlfriends like men who are rich, who spoil them,

and shoot animals that get inside their cupboard.

No, they don't. Girls like...

Girlfriends like things like...

like when men give them pink bunnies!

And they like it when the man serves...

Girlfriends like it when man shoots pink bunnies.

You two are such idiots. You don't know anything. Just be quiet, OK?

They like, um... girls, bags and flowers...

Girls like men who wear... who wear Lynx aftershave and who wear their hair gel

that makes your hair all spiky like a mountain,

and who eat Kellogg's Crunchies and who know...

who know a lot about car tax.

The thing is, Frank,

we need to talk to you about the future.

Ah. Is this about making a will? I don't mind. I'm not going to be here forever.

Actually, you've already made a will, Dad.

Do you remember, the DIY one? Oh, well, that's all right, then.

Except that it's invalid because you got Terry and Pat to witness it.

I left them the shed. Yeah and that's why it's not valid, Frank,

because you named them as beneficiaries and you can't do that.

Oh, so do you want the shed, then? No, I don't want the shed!

This isn't about the shed.

Girls want a boyfriend and boys want a girlfriend, Everybody...

What's the point in them? All they do is beg, beg, beg for your money

and watch their favourite flower programmes.

God! You two are driving me nuts.

Well, no, that's not the point of them.

It's that you have some company cos otherwise, when you come home, there'll be no-one there.

I'll have pets. Well, with a pet you have to clean up all its toilet mess.

With a...and with a girlfriend you don't.

Um...see...the thing is, Dad...

I've got to clean that shed out when I get home.

Actually, Dad, that's sort of what we need to talk to you about,

because we don't think... that you can really go home.

What? Haven't you got it fixed? You should have got some Poles in.

We did.

And it is fixed.

Can we get some biscuits?

Yeah, yeah. Can I shave my head? Yes. No! Ben!

Ben! Do NOT shave your head!

We just don't think you should live there alone, Frank.

I'm not going to burn it down twice am I? Dad, the thing is...

I was right. You did embarrass her. Jake, not now, please.

Now she doesn't want to come round tomorrow. She's gone to the shopping centre with other people.

Jake. Come on, you're a grown up. Oh, now I'm a grown up(?) That's a development!

Right, Jake, you're coming to the petrol station. What? We need milk. Anything you want you can say then.

Get it yourself. Why do we have to go? For you it doesn't matter. You see, Dad, the problem is...

..that you're not well.

Your memory's not what it was

and you get confused sometimes.

Oh. The doc will take care of that. Well, no, he won't.

Look, Dad... you're not going to get better,

you're going to get worse.

TELEPHONE RINGS

We've spoken to Mr Abraham, your solicitor,

because we thought you trusted him. I've never minded the Jews. Right.

Well, anyway, he said the first thing you have to do is sign this Enduring Power of Attorney,

so that Pete and I can carry out your wishes, when you...

..when you've lost ability... to...

It's Rakesh for you and it's about the phone line. He's a supervisor.

Oh, tell him...

Tell him I can't talk to him right now.

Um...she can't... Do this thing before I've lost what ability?

Well, before you've lost the ability to...

You upset about something, Sue?

No, no, no. What I'm trying to say, Dad, is you have to give me and Pete this power of attorney...

for when...

you lose the ability...

to make decisions.

Oh, right.

Have you understood what I've said? Yeah.

You're saying this is as good as I'm ever going to be and so I've got to sign this thing.

Yeah, yeah that's...that's it.

Have you got any questions you want to ask me?

Yeah.

Yesterday Mummy said that she was going to hunt you down and kill you like dogs.

Really, everybody? Cup of tea, Dad?

OK. Who are you talking to? No, it's been nice talking to you, Rakesh.

Is he still...? Karen! Oh.

Nice man.

Was he? Very.

Oh, and he's reconnecting everything.

But... but I've spent days trying to...

It was easy and Mummy you do make such a drama out of everything.

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