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1
00:00:10,779 --> 00:00:13,499
It's 6:25!
2
00:00:13,499 --> 00:00:17,019
How come they actually wake up
earlier on the weekend?
3
00:00:18,659 --> 00:00:21,419
FOOTSTEPS APPROACH
4
00:00:21,419 --> 00:00:23,259
Uh-oh.
5
00:00:28,579 --> 00:00:30,059
Daddy?
6
00:00:30,059 --> 00:00:31,579
HE SNORES
7
00:00:31,579 --> 00:00:35,219
I think they're asleep.
I think they're awake.
8
00:00:35,219 --> 00:00:36,699
ARGH!
9
00:00:36,699 --> 00:00:41,299
OW! Jesus! You lunatic!
Don't say "Jesus"!
10
00:00:41,299 --> 00:00:44,339
Well, don't use my...
ME as a trampoline.
11
00:00:44,339 --> 00:00:46,659
No, Ben. Go to your own bed.
12
00:00:46,659 --> 00:00:49,859
You can't lie in bed all morning.
13
00:00:49,859 --> 00:00:54,259
It's 6:25! Can't you just go down
stairs and play a game or something?
14
00:00:54,259 --> 00:00:56,779
I'm hungry.
Well, go and get breakfast.
15
00:00:56,779 --> 00:00:59,299
OK. I'll make some omelettes.
No! No!
16
00:00:59,299 --> 00:01:04,379
Why? Well, because last time you
made omelettes, you left the kitchen floor like a sort of...
17
00:01:04,379 --> 00:01:06,259
eggy skating rink.
18
00:01:06,259 --> 00:01:09,859
Well, you can't make an omelette
without breaking eggs.
19
00:01:09,859 --> 00:01:11,779
No, that is true, but...
20
00:01:11,779 --> 00:01:17,299
Just don't make omelettes, right?
Daddy's going to cook you something when he gets up.
21
00:01:17,299 --> 00:01:19,299
OK, I'll finish my experiment.
22
00:01:19,299 --> 00:01:21,499
Oh, I don't like the sound of that.
23
00:01:21,499 --> 00:01:25,579
Daddy, why did your
friend Jonty die?
24
00:01:25,579 --> 00:01:28,779
He had...
He had a heart attack, sweetheart.
25
00:01:28,779 --> 00:01:32,139
Did he know it was going to happen?
26
00:01:32,139 --> 00:01:35,099
Well, no, I expect it was
a bit of a surprise.
27
00:01:35,099 --> 00:01:39,259
Did his heart explode? Not really...
Did blood come out of his mouth?
28
00:01:39,259 --> 00:01:41,459
Did he go, "Bleugh!"
Did he go like...?
29
00:01:45,139 --> 00:01:47,539
Who wants to watch telly? Me!
30
00:01:47,539 --> 00:01:49,339
BOTH: Yay!
31
00:01:53,539 --> 00:01:56,499
Oh, maybe we should be getting up.
Eh?
32
00:01:56,499 --> 00:01:58,979
Well, it seems daft
just lying around here.
33
00:01:58,979 --> 00:02:02,419
Does it? Seems very sensible to me.
34
00:02:02,419 --> 00:02:05,539
Yeah, but we should try and
live every minute of every day.
35
00:02:05,539 --> 00:02:07,219
Right, well...
36
00:02:07,219 --> 00:02:11,699
I'm going to live these few minutes
with my eyes closed.
37
00:02:14,339 --> 00:02:18,579
ON TV: 'There's nothing quite like
mucking about in boats,
38
00:02:18,579 --> 00:02:23,539
'whether it's in a rowing eight
or an old tin bath, it's great fun.'
39
00:02:23,539 --> 00:02:27,459
Why does Grandad get the big TV?
Cos he's the guest.
40
00:02:27,459 --> 00:02:31,419
When's he leaving? When they repair
the fire damage to his kitchen.
41
00:02:31,419 --> 00:02:34,459
How did he set fire to his kitchen?
42
00:02:34,459 --> 00:02:40,459
Well, he was heating some beans
in the microwave, but he forgot to take them out of the tin.
43
00:02:40,459 --> 00:02:45,859
And then he went outside
to tidy his shed and he realised someone's house was on fire.
44
00:02:45,859 --> 00:02:50,619
And when he ran back
inside to call the fire brigade, he realised it was his.
45
00:02:50,619 --> 00:02:53,699
There you go, eggy bread.
46
00:02:53,699 --> 00:02:55,259
Thank you.
47
00:02:55,259 --> 00:02:57,499
I wanted omelette.
48
00:02:57,499 --> 00:03:00,939
I asked you a minute ago if you
wanted eggy bread and you said yes.
49
00:03:00,939 --> 00:03:03,539
Didn't he? Cheese.
50
00:03:03,539 --> 00:03:07,899
Cheese what? Cheese omelette.
I'm not doing omelettes.
51
00:03:07,899 --> 00:03:09,739
God, the manners in this house.
52
00:03:09,739 --> 00:03:12,179
Ssh! I'm trying to listen. Right.
53
00:03:12,179 --> 00:03:16,579
That is it. I am turning the TV off.
What? Why? It's going off.
54
00:03:16,579 --> 00:03:20,099
No more telly for the rest of
the day. I was watching that!
55
00:03:20,099 --> 00:03:22,659
No, I'm sorry.
I don't care, that's enough.
56
00:03:22,659 --> 00:03:27,219
Sorry. No more telly for the rest
of the day. It's educational! It is not educational.
57
00:03:27,219 --> 00:03:30,059
But I want to watch
58
00:03:30,059 --> 00:03:31,939
No, it's not going to happen.
59
00:03:31,939 --> 00:03:34,859
No more TV! Sponge Bob's
educational, but it...
60
00:03:34,859 --> 00:03:41,099
But it tells you how
to make crabby patties and tells you what's going on under sea.
61
00:03:41,099 --> 00:03:43,499
There are lots of programmes
for under the sea.
62
00:03:43,499 --> 00:03:47,099
Watch My Chops teaches you...
HE GIGGLES
63
00:03:47,099 --> 00:03:50,459
About what? Watch My Chops.
What's Watch My Chops?
64
00:03:50,459 --> 00:03:53,419
I'm glad you find this so amusing,
Ben, because I don't.
65
00:03:53,419 --> 00:03:57,739
It teaches you about how
to look after a talking dog.
66
00:03:57,739 --> 00:04:00,699
No. It's not... Studies show
TV stimulates the brain.
67
00:04:00,699 --> 00:04:05,379
No, it doesn't, or you wouldn't
all be watching it with this face.
68
00:04:05,379 --> 00:04:08,819
Come on, there must be better
things we can do with our lives.
69
00:04:08,819 --> 00:04:11,979
What are we meant to do?!
Let them watch the end of it.
70
00:04:11,979 --> 00:04:13,699
Nice one, Mum!
71
00:04:13,699 --> 00:04:15,179
You got the paper?
72
00:04:18,059 --> 00:04:20,419
Thank you for your support(!)
73
00:04:20,419 --> 00:04:23,379
Well, at least stop texting
during breakfast.
74
00:04:23,379 --> 00:04:25,379
Why? Because you're always texting.
75
00:04:25,379 --> 00:04:29,219
Did you not listen during our family
discussion about saving money?
76
00:04:29,219 --> 00:04:33,899
This is a free text. On my tariff,
I get 10 free texts a month. Yeah, but if you don't...
77
00:04:33,899 --> 00:04:39,059
If you don't send this text, then
you get another free text later then you pay for one text less.
78
00:04:39,059 --> 00:04:42,179
But I have to send at least
100 texts to get the 10 free ones.
79
00:04:45,419 --> 00:04:47,859
Oops. Caught me in my nightie.
80
00:04:47,859 --> 00:04:50,379
Oops.
81
00:04:50,379 --> 00:04:55,859
Just saving the planet. The kids
insist, you know what they're like. What are you up to today?
82
00:04:55,859 --> 00:05:00,419
Oh, you know. Just vegging.
Oh, lucky you.
83
00:05:00,419 --> 00:05:03,499
Martin and I have got to take
the kids on this charity walk.
84
00:05:03,499 --> 00:05:07,779
And then, on the cycle back,
we have to pick up a friend so they can be a proper string quartet.
85
00:05:07,779 --> 00:05:10,179
Then we've got to finish
making our puppet theatre,
86
00:05:10,179 --> 00:05:12,899
and I've promised they can
watch The Sound of Music tonight.
87
00:05:12,899 --> 00:05:15,259
We let them watch TV on
a Sundays as a special treat.
88
00:05:15,259 --> 00:05:17,579
Oh, we ban all TV on a Sunday.
89
00:05:17,579 --> 00:05:20,019
Really? Mm.
90
00:05:20,019 --> 00:05:24,059
Yeah, so we can do things together,
you know, as a family.
91
00:05:24,059 --> 00:05:26,579
Oh, that's a brilliant... Cheerio!
92
00:05:26,579 --> 00:05:28,899
Bye.
93
00:05:28,899 --> 00:05:32,739
Hang on, look.
If you only sent, say,
94
00:05:32,739 --> 00:05:36,259
80 texts and you didn't get
the 10 free ones,
95
00:05:36,259 --> 00:05:40,099
that would still be cheaper
than sending 110.
96
00:05:40,099 --> 00:05:44,659
Yes, but I've already sent 100,
so it'd be really dumb not to use the 10 free ones.
97
00:05:44,659 --> 00:05:48,779
It'd be like burning money. No, no,
you have already burnt the money.
98
00:05:48,779 --> 00:05:52,859
getting some money as a reward
for burning money.
99
00:05:52,859 --> 00:05:57,579
What the hell are you on about?
I'm trying to expl... Right! No more television today.
100
00:05:57,579 --> 00:05:58,979
Mum! Mum!
101
00:05:58,979 --> 00:06:01,699
Your father is right. Is he?
102
00:06:01,699 --> 00:06:04,099
Mum, what do you think you're doing?
103
00:06:04,099 --> 00:06:07,179
Some families actually do
stuff together on a Sunday.
104
00:06:07,179 --> 00:06:11,699
Hey, no, no, no. That includes
all computers and games.
105
00:06:11,699 --> 00:06:14,099
We're not going to be
screen slaves today.
106
00:06:14,099 --> 00:06:16,779
Yeah, we'll make
our own entertainment.
107
00:06:16,779 --> 00:06:18,419
Like what?
108
00:06:18,419 --> 00:06:22,019
We'll play a board game. I don't
want to play any board games.
109
00:06:22,019 --> 00:06:25,659
Yeah, board games are for babies,
I want to watch the TV.
110
00:06:25,659 --> 00:06:29,339
All right. If you don't want to do
that, you can all do your homework.
111
00:06:32,419 --> 00:06:34,499
Come on, everyone.
112
00:06:34,499 --> 00:06:38,419
Go upstairs, get dressed. We'll
meet back here for game playing.
113
00:06:38,419 --> 00:06:42,699
By the way,
I don't have to do any homework.
114
00:06:42,699 --> 00:06:47,219
that I looked a bit peaky
115
00:06:47,219 --> 00:06:50,219
and maybe I should
take a few days off.
116
00:06:50,219 --> 00:06:56,379
I think that has to be the worst
lie I've ever heard you tell.
117
00:06:56,379 --> 00:06:58,899
No, that was Karen's Easter Egg
got eaten by aliens.
118
00:06:58,899 --> 00:07:03,299
No, this is better just for sheer
audacity. I'm not lying this time.
119
00:07:03,299 --> 00:07:05,779
Not that I lie a lot,
but I'm not lying this time.
120
00:07:05,779 --> 00:07:07,699
Ben, go and get dressed please.
121
00:07:07,699 --> 00:07:11,579
"Next door's dog drew those words on
my wall." The alien tops that one.
122
00:07:11,579 --> 00:07:14,259
Or the goldfish broke the vase?
That was a classic.
123
00:07:14,259 --> 00:07:18,579
I got the ace, so I should start.
But you cheated, you... Oi!
124
00:07:18,579 --> 00:07:21,979
We only cut the cards to see
who was gonna go first.
125
00:07:21,979 --> 00:07:24,619
Karen should go first.
She's a girl. Come on, then.
126
00:07:24,619 --> 00:07:27,299
You start, Karen.
And no cheating, Ben.
127
00:07:27,299 --> 00:07:30,739
What are we going to do with
Grandad when we go on holiday?
128
00:07:30,739 --> 00:07:34,179
Erm, he's staying here.
But he burnt his house down.
129
00:07:34,179 --> 00:07:39,859
Well, yeah, but he's lived there
for many years and he's only done it once. Once last week, yeah.
130
00:07:39,859 --> 00:07:43,779
Yesterday, he told me the
same story three times.
131
00:07:43,779 --> 00:07:46,339
The one with the shrapnel
and the Mackeson's?
132
00:07:46,339 --> 00:07:50,579
Grandad's on some really strong
pain killers at the moment, because of his burnt hand.
133
00:07:50,579 --> 00:07:55,579
But when he's off those painkillers,
he's going to be back to his sharp self, isn't he?
134
00:07:55,579 --> 00:08:01,579
When we go on holiday, can I take
all my cuddlies and cats? Karen...
135
00:08:01,579 --> 00:08:03,979
Grandad isn't going
to burn the house down.
136
00:08:03,979 --> 00:08:09,539
But I want to take...
I don't want my toys in a big gooey pile, all melted up.
137
00:08:09,539 --> 00:08:12,819
Listen, Grandad, he's just next
door. He might be able to hear.
138
00:08:12,819 --> 00:08:16,859
But he's deaf. He's not that deaf.
Grandad! You're an idiot!
139
00:08:16,859 --> 00:08:20,099
Ben! Please! He is deaf!
140
00:08:20,099 --> 00:08:23,099
What if he heard you?
141
00:08:23,099 --> 00:08:25,859
MOBILE PHONE BEEPS
Erm, Jo's outside.
142
00:08:25,859 --> 00:08:29,299
Jo texted you to say
that she was outside?!
143
00:08:29,299 --> 00:08:32,539
There's this wonderful new
invention called a door bell.
144
00:08:32,539 --> 00:08:34,499
Shut up, Dad.
145
00:08:36,059 --> 00:08:39,179
Hi, Jo.
Hi, Sue.
146
00:08:39,179 --> 00:08:40,699
It's your go.
147
00:08:40,699 --> 00:08:42,499
FOOTSTEPS GO UPSTAIRS
148
00:08:42,499 --> 00:08:47,739
They're going straight
up to his room. They're 12.
149
00:08:47,739 --> 00:08:50,539
IT'S YOUR GO!
150
00:08:50,539 --> 00:08:54,139
OK! Actually, it's Ben's...
151
00:08:54,139 --> 00:08:55,619
Oh, for...
152
00:08:57,019 --> 00:09:00,059
Ben! Come on.
You know the rule today.
153
00:09:00,059 --> 00:09:03,419
I'm not watching the TV, Grandad is.
I just happen to be here.
154
00:09:03,419 --> 00:09:06,099
Grandad seems to be
watching Jackass.
155
00:09:06,099 --> 00:09:08,139
Ben's just showing me something.
156
00:09:08,139 --> 00:09:10,699
It's just a lot of idiots
getting hurt, Frank.
157
00:09:10,699 --> 00:09:13,539
Well, so was what
Grandad was watching.
158
00:09:13,539 --> 00:09:16,739
That was a documentary about
the Somme, Ben. It's the same.
159
00:09:16,739 --> 00:09:21,179
A lot of pictures of people getting
hurt. The Somme was a battle.
160
00:09:21,179 --> 00:09:22,819
A real battle.
161
00:09:22,819 --> 00:09:27,819
Real people. Not, it wasn't...
Well, this is real as well. They are real crocodiles there.
162
00:09:27,819 --> 00:09:29,499
You can't compare them, Ben.
163
00:09:29,499 --> 00:09:35,019
The people who gave their lives
at the Somme weren't doing it just to get on television.
164
00:09:35,019 --> 00:09:38,619
How'd you know? Because
they didn't have television.
165
00:09:38,619 --> 00:09:43,499
Well, why's there a documentary on
if the television wasn't
166
00:09:43,499 --> 00:09:45,979
Come on, leave your Grandad
in peace.
167
00:09:45,979 --> 00:09:48,019
Come on, get out!
168
00:09:52,499 --> 00:09:56,019
I'll turn it back for you, Frank.
No, no, no, leave it. This...
169
00:09:56,019 --> 00:09:59,419
This bloke's just put
scorpions in his jockstrap.
170
00:09:59,419 --> 00:10:01,339
Shouldn't really be doing this.
171
00:10:01,339 --> 00:10:03,619
We've got a screen ban.
172
00:10:03,619 --> 00:10:07,539
Oh, the "computer rots your brain"
thing? My parents went through that.
173
00:10:07,539 --> 00:10:10,539
Who's avatar number one?
That's my mum.
174
00:10:10,539 --> 00:10:13,099
Who's number two?
175
00:10:13,099 --> 00:10:16,179
That's her toy boy.
SHE GIGGLES
176
00:10:16,179 --> 00:10:20,139
Shall we give them triplets?
Yeah. Two white and one black.
177
00:10:20,139 --> 00:10:23,299
KNOCK ON DOOR
Computer...
178
00:10:25,819 --> 00:10:27,699
Hello!
179
00:10:27,699 --> 00:10:31,179
I just though you might like
some biscuits.
180
00:10:31,179 --> 00:10:33,099
Not for me. I'm watching my weight.
181
00:10:34,299 --> 00:10:35,739
So...
182
00:10:36,819 --> 00:10:39,219
What are you two up to
this morning, then?
183
00:10:39,219 --> 00:10:40,939
Just chilling.
184
00:10:40,939 --> 00:10:42,499
Chilling.
185
00:10:44,099 --> 00:10:46,419
All right, then,
well, happy chilling.
186
00:10:48,019 --> 00:10:50,339
And I'll just...
187
00:10:52,499 --> 00:10:54,739
I'll just be...
188
00:11:01,059 --> 00:11:04,299
SHOUTING AND LAUGHING ON TV
189
00:11:04,299 --> 00:11:09,459
Jake and Jo were acting really
weird when I went up earlier.
190
00:11:09,459 --> 00:11:13,739
You sure YOU weren't weird?
Look, they're only... 12, I know.
191
00:11:13,739 --> 00:11:18,939
Do you think it's time that you had
the Father/Son talk with Jake?
192
00:11:18,939 --> 00:11:23,699
It's a bit early, isn't it?
I mean... Ooh! What?
193
00:11:23,699 --> 00:11:29,099
Ow, I keep getting this sort of
chest pain. It's probably just indigestion, isn't it?
194
00:11:29,099 --> 00:11:33,339
Yeah, everybody our age has it.
That's what they said to Jonty.
195
00:11:33,339 --> 00:11:35,939
Actually, that's
what I said to Jonty.
196
00:11:35,939 --> 00:11:39,979
I just think that the
Dad/Son talk is a really important part of growing up.
197
00:11:39,979 --> 00:11:42,859
Yeah, well, I never had one.
Well, yes, and...
198
00:11:43,899 --> 00:11:48,259
Go on? I just think
199
00:11:48,259 --> 00:11:50,699
You'll do it really well.
200
00:11:52,219 --> 00:11:54,259
Oh, OK.
201
00:11:54,259 --> 00:11:58,499
LAUGHTER AND COUGHING
You all right, Dad?
202
00:11:58,499 --> 00:12:03,139
This fella has just stuffed a rocket
up his backside and lit it.
203
00:12:03,139 --> 00:12:05,179
Bloody idiot!
204
00:12:05,179 --> 00:12:08,379
On your marks, get set, go!
205
00:12:08,379 --> 00:12:11,179
You find it in Australia
and it jumps.
206
00:12:11,179 --> 00:12:13,179
Kangaroo. Yes, em.
207
00:12:13,179 --> 00:12:15,099
I don't know what that is.
208
00:12:15,099 --> 00:12:19,899
I don't know what that is. It flies
and it has the word dragon in...
209
00:12:19,899 --> 00:12:24,059
Dragonfly! That's cheating!
No... You can't say any words on it. It's fine.
210
00:12:24,059 --> 00:12:28,739
Um, it's a type of dog that looks
a bit like a cloud. It's puffy.
211
00:12:28,739 --> 00:12:33,139
A poodle. Yes, um... His name
is Bob and he's a builder.
212
00:12:33,139 --> 00:12:34,659
Oh...
213
00:12:35,739 --> 00:12:39,259
Bob the Builder! Yes!
That's remarkable. Time's up!
214
00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:41,779
And a... Time's up, time's up!
215
00:12:41,779 --> 00:12:43,139
And...begin.
216
00:12:43,139 --> 00:12:46,539
Um, something smelly,
covers a baby's bottom
217
00:12:46,539 --> 00:12:50,099
and their private bits. Nappy.
Correct. Their private bits?
218
00:12:50,099 --> 00:12:52,859
HE YELLS
Tarzan. Correct.
219
00:12:52,859 --> 00:12:55,579
Um... You're cheating,
you can't do that.
220
00:12:55,579 --> 00:12:59,139
It is a word game after all.
What Mummy cooks our dinner in.
221
00:12:59,139 --> 00:13:03,499
Microwave. Correct. I do not! I home
cook. Take great care over your...
222
00:13:03,499 --> 00:13:07,779
And the time's up!
An elaborate... Time's up!
223
00:13:07,779 --> 00:13:11,419
Stop it, Karen, it's just for fun.
Time's up. Fun. Time's up.
224
00:13:11,419 --> 00:13:14,659
Fun. Come on...
Stop, and let's just play nicely.
225
00:13:14,659 --> 00:13:18,139
Come on, because we're
having a really nice time.
226
00:13:18,139 --> 00:13:22,139
Come on...
A person who does this a lot.
227
00:13:22,139 --> 00:13:23,699
Prime Minister.
228
00:13:23,699 --> 00:13:26,579
Gordon Brown. Yes.
A bit more enthusiasm.
229
00:13:26,579 --> 00:13:29,139
Just read them a bit faster,
it's like you're...
230
00:13:29,139 --> 00:13:30,819
Used to be black and...
played with children.
231
00:13:30,819 --> 00:13:32,859
Michael Jackson! Yeah.
232
00:13:32,859 --> 00:13:35,219
Used to be black
and played with children?
233
00:13:35,219 --> 00:13:38,139
What like Hoopla and...?
Fat gold guy.
234
00:13:38,139 --> 00:13:40,859
Goldfinger. David Dickinson.
He's like a god.
235
00:13:40,859 --> 00:13:43,899
Who is he? Buddha.
The divine inspiration
236
00:13:43,899 --> 00:13:48,619
for hundreds of millions of people -
"Fat gold guy"?! He's a liar.
237
00:13:48,619 --> 00:13:51,859
Tony Blair. His nose gets big.
238
00:13:51,859 --> 00:13:53,779
Tony Blair.
239
00:13:53,779 --> 00:13:55,779
Rock, paper, scissors.
240
00:13:55,779 --> 00:13:58,339
Velociraptor! Come on!
Can you just play?
241
00:13:58,339 --> 00:14:01,659
It's paper, rock or scissors!
Three things in the repertoire.
242
00:14:01,659 --> 00:14:04,859
Rock, paper, scissors. Ready?
Rock, paper, scissors.
243
00:14:04,859 --> 00:14:08,819
Nuclear bomb!
Right. Karen wins. No!
244
00:14:08,819 --> 00:14:12,739
Please, both of you, stop.
OK, shall we play something else?
245
00:14:12,739 --> 00:14:17,339
What's this game you want to play?
Dinosaur, teddy, robot. What?
246
00:14:17,339 --> 00:14:20,179
What do we do? What are the rules?
Well...
247
00:14:20,179 --> 00:14:24,459
Robot kills dinosaur,
dinosaur kills teddy,
248
00:14:24,459 --> 00:14:29,259
teddy kills robot, because the
dinosaur can eat the teddy,
249
00:14:29,259 --> 00:14:33,379
the teddy can de-activate the robot
and the robot can laser the dinosaur.
250
00:14:33,379 --> 00:14:37,659
How does the teddy deactivate...?
It's complicated... It's good! Good, mind.
251
00:14:37,659 --> 00:14:42,179
You hide them under the table and
then we say, "Teddy, Robot, Dino!"
252
00:14:42,179 --> 00:14:46,739
then you lift up either a teddy
a dinosaur or a robot.
253
00:14:46,739 --> 00:14:52,419
Quite an exciting game, isn't it?
OK. Dinosaur, teddy, robot!
254
00:14:54,099 --> 00:14:57,659
Em...Zambia?
255
00:14:57,659 --> 00:15:00,459
Is the right answer.
Well done, Jake.
256
00:15:00,459 --> 00:15:02,059
Can I be the question master?
257
00:15:02,059 --> 00:15:06,939
Go ahead. How much wood
would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
258
00:15:06,939 --> 00:15:11,019
It doesn't even have any answer.
259
00:15:11,019 --> 00:15:13,059
Yes, it does. It's seven!
260
00:15:13,059 --> 00:15:17,499
No, it isn't! Why don't we...?
Yes, it is! No, it isn't!
261
00:15:17,499 --> 00:15:20,659
Why don't we take them
up the park with their bikes?
262
00:15:20,659 --> 00:15:23,099
Oh, must we? Come on!
263
00:15:23,099 --> 00:15:26,219
Family Sunday. Next door do it!
264
00:15:26,219 --> 00:15:29,219
They do it all the time.
That's their kids, isn't it?
265
00:15:29,219 --> 00:15:33,939
Who always say thank you,
and play musical instruments we've never heard of,
266
00:15:33,939 --> 00:15:37,539
and don't eat insects.
We can't compete with that.
267
00:15:37,539 --> 00:15:40,219
Well, who's competing?
I'm not competing.
268
00:15:40,219 --> 00:15:43,859
I know that.
You think I'm competing?
269
00:15:43,859 --> 00:15:47,619
No, of course not, because
it would be pointless. Pointless?
270
00:15:47,619 --> 00:15:50,499
It would be pointless for me
to compete with Barbara?
271
00:15:50,499 --> 00:15:52,699
No, I'm not saying
you couldn't compete,
272
00:15:52,699 --> 00:15:57,899
I'm saying that the act of
competing would be pointless, because she is...
273
00:15:59,219 --> 00:16:02,739
Let's take the kids up the park.
But not on bikes this time.
274
00:16:02,739 --> 00:16:05,779
I'm not having Ben
take out another old lady.
275
00:16:05,779 --> 00:16:10,619
OK, kids. We're going up the park.
Woodchucks can't even chuck wood!
276
00:16:10,619 --> 00:16:14,219
Then why are they called woodchucks?
Woodchucks are the same as Groundhogs.
277
00:16:14,219 --> 00:16:17,099
You know, like the film
Groundhog Day.
278
00:16:17,099 --> 00:16:21,259
You've seen that, haven't you?
Seen it? I think I'm in it. Come on.
279
00:16:21,259 --> 00:16:24,419
Can you get the wellies?
Come on, you lot. All right, Dad?
280
00:16:24,419 --> 00:16:29,139
Do you fancy getting dressed and
coming to the park with us? No. OK.
281
00:16:31,419 --> 00:16:36,019
I'll write my mobile number
down here and put the phone right next to you, OK?
282
00:16:36,019 --> 00:16:41,019
And it's just here here, OK?
Why, where are you going? We're going to the park, Dad.
283
00:16:42,259 --> 00:16:44,419
When did you last take
your painkillers?
284
00:16:45,539 --> 00:16:48,339
I'm not sure. Well, I can
work it out. Where are they?
285
00:16:48,339 --> 00:16:51,379
Um... Ah!
286
00:16:55,019 --> 00:16:58,059
Well, you haven't
taken one today, Dad.
287
00:16:58,059 --> 00:17:02,059
You haven't taken one
for the last four days.
288
00:17:02,059 --> 00:17:04,099
Oh, haven't I?
289
00:17:04,099 --> 00:17:08,059
Well, it's not a problem.
You can take one now.
290
00:17:08,059 --> 00:17:14,019
No, I don't really like them.
They can make you feel a bit confused. Right.
291
00:17:14,019 --> 00:17:19,619
Can I take these?
Ben, for the last time, you cannot take my hedge trimmer up the park.
292
00:17:19,619 --> 00:17:21,379
RAINING OUTSIDE
293
00:17:21,579 --> 00:17:23,939
The British Sunday
afternoon up the park.
294
00:17:23,939 --> 00:17:29,499
Get soaking wet and get your
shoes covered in dog shit.
295
00:17:29,499 --> 00:17:35,179
Dad, we're back! Come on, Karen,
don't lag behind. Shoes off at the door!
296
00:17:35,179 --> 00:17:37,619
Ow! Hey!
297
00:17:39,019 --> 00:17:42,259
Off, please. Karen, come on.
Leave the puddle alone.
298
00:17:42,259 --> 00:17:44,699
Can we watch TV? No!
299
00:17:45,899 --> 00:17:48,099
So, Jake...
300
00:17:50,459 --> 00:17:55,899
You're 12 now, and I thought that
now might be as good a time as any
301
00:17:55,899 --> 00:17:59,419
to have, um, have a little
a chat about certain...
302
00:17:59,419 --> 00:18:02,219
physical changes that you'll...
303
00:18:02,219 --> 00:18:04,979
NO! No, Dad, don't do this.
304
00:18:04,979 --> 00:18:08,139
But you don't even know what
I'm gonna say. Yes, I do.
305
00:18:08,139 --> 00:18:10,819
Well, what? Look, we've
covered it all in school.
306
00:18:13,139 --> 00:18:16,539
Oh, fair enough. Anyway, I had
a long chat with Grandad about it.
307
00:18:17,739 --> 00:18:22,099
Grandad? What did he say?
He just gave me loads of advice.
308
00:18:22,099 --> 00:18:22,179
What kind of advice? He said,
"Always look at the mothers." Why?
309
00:18:22,179 --> 00:18:26,579
Cos women often end up
looking like their mothers.
310
00:18:29,299 --> 00:18:33,819
He said he wished he'd taken a
better look at Gran's mum. Did he?
311
00:18:33,819 --> 00:18:38,419
Anyway, he, um... He's probably
thinking of the longer term.
312
00:18:38,419 --> 00:18:41,499
In the shorter term...
313
00:18:41,499 --> 00:18:44,619
you might find
yourself developing...
314
00:18:44,619 --> 00:18:49,859
um...feelings...related...
Dad, I'm 12, you know?
315
00:18:49,859 --> 00:18:55,059
What is it with your generation,
you old people? You're obsessed with drugs and sex.
316
00:18:55,059 --> 00:18:58,339
All I'm trying to do is
to set you on the right path.
317
00:18:58,339 --> 00:19:03,099
I won't be having sex
till I'm 14, 15, hopefully.
318
00:19:03,099 --> 00:19:06,539
Well, I'm not...
I'm not sure that's very good.
319
00:19:06,539 --> 00:19:10,139
You know, there are...there are
legal issues and there are...
320
00:19:10,139 --> 00:19:12,419
STDs?
321
00:19:12,419 --> 00:19:17,259
you need to think about,
like unwanted...
322
00:19:17,259 --> 00:19:21,539
Pregnancy? Pregnancy, yeah. Anyway,
I know about it, Dad. Just...
323
00:19:21,539 --> 00:19:26,179
Don't go on about it.
OK. Cool.
324
00:19:26,179 --> 00:19:30,179
What? It's cool.
I won't go on about it.
325
00:19:30,179 --> 00:19:32,539
You, you can't say cool, Dad,
at your age.
326
00:19:32,539 --> 00:19:35,059
I can't say cool?
Yeah, you're too old.
327
00:19:35,059 --> 00:19:40,579
What, me, a member of the generation
that first used the word "cool" is no longer allowed to say "cool"?
328
00:19:40,579 --> 00:19:43,939
Yeah. There's like a limit where
you stop saying words like that.
329
00:19:43,939 --> 00:19:48,459
When you get to your age, you can
say words like "bingo", not "cool".
330
00:19:48,459 --> 00:19:52,699
Bingo? I'm not a fighter pilot
from the Second World War.
331
00:19:52,699 --> 00:19:57,699
Dad... So what words am I allowed
to use? Zounds? Forsooth? Yeah.
332
00:19:57,699 --> 00:20:02,019
Hang on, I think the riddle man
is at the door. I'm not old!
333
00:20:02,019 --> 00:20:05,979
By what measure am I old?
By the measure of age.
334
00:20:05,979 --> 00:20:11,939
Statistically, I'm not even
halfway through my life. How many 92-year-olds do you know?
335
00:20:11,939 --> 00:20:14,779
Look, we seem to have gone off
at a bit of a tangent here.
336
00:20:14,779 --> 00:20:17,859
I don't know what's going on
inside your tiny brain, Dad.
337
00:20:17,859 --> 00:20:23,299
Oh, and a man in Nigeria who's had
some financial good fortune.
338
00:20:23,299 --> 00:20:28,979
Another one from the government
apologising for losing more of my personal details.
339
00:20:29,939 --> 00:20:34,299
What you looking at?
Oh, just having a bit of a sort.
340
00:20:34,299 --> 00:20:36,859
Can I have a look?
341
00:20:36,859 --> 00:20:41,899
Aw, that's my mum. On her 60th
birthday, do you remember?
342
00:20:41,899 --> 00:20:44,419
It's not a great photo.
343
00:20:44,419 --> 00:20:47,539
It's not great, no.
344
00:20:47,539 --> 00:20:50,579
Come and look at this
from Ben's headmaster.
345
00:20:51,779 --> 00:20:54,659
"Ben has been looking
a little peaky
346
00:20:54,659 --> 00:20:59,139
"and it might be a good idea if he
took a couple of days off school."
347
00:20:59,139 --> 00:21:01,339
So he WAS telling the truth.
348
00:21:01,339 --> 00:21:04,579
Why would the headmaster
suggest that our son take...?
349
00:21:04,579 --> 00:21:08,419
Hang on.
It's Ofsted next week, isn't it?
350
00:21:08,419 --> 00:21:12,939
Oh, bloody cheek!
They're trying to keep Ben away from the Ofsted inspectors.
351
00:21:12,939 --> 00:21:15,059
Oh, that is not right. No.
352
00:21:15,059 --> 00:21:18,939
Understandable, but morally...
Pete! It is wrong!
353
00:21:18,939 --> 00:21:24,619
How can you defend that?! When we
were Ofstedded, the headmaster sent 4J on a trip to the Isle of Wight.
354
00:21:24,619 --> 00:21:27,179
Poor Ben. He's always the scapegoat.
355
00:21:27,179 --> 00:21:31,459
Do you remember when the
inspectors came to the nursery and he got blamed for that?
356
00:21:31,459 --> 00:21:33,899
When he peed
on the inspector's shoes?
357
00:21:33,899 --> 00:21:36,019
She asked him
what he'd learnt today,
358
00:21:36,019 --> 00:21:39,499
and he'd just learnt to wee on his
own and he was really proud of it.
359
00:21:41,059 --> 00:21:44,299
home tomorrow. It'd be murder.
360
00:21:44,299 --> 00:21:47,339
I'll just pretend
I didn't get the e-mail.
361
00:21:47,339 --> 00:21:50,819
THUD!
What is he doing up there?
362
00:21:50,819 --> 00:21:52,939
You worry too much about that boy.
363
00:21:52,939 --> 00:21:57,379
When I was his age, I was off
on my own, cycling to Margate.
364
00:21:57,379 --> 00:21:58,939
He's only seven.
365
00:21:58,939 --> 00:22:02,379
Donkeys on the beach,
girls in their summer frocks.
366
00:22:04,019 --> 00:22:08,859
And there was this pickpocket
on the pier and they caught him and beat him to a pulp.
367
00:22:08,859 --> 00:22:13,819
Anyway he's not seven, he's 12,
isn't he? No, that's Jake.
368
00:22:13,819 --> 00:22:17,459
You see, as kids grow up,
they just want to bugger off.
369
00:22:17,459 --> 00:22:22,579
You love them just the same,
but they don't really love you back.
370
00:22:22,579 --> 00:22:26,179
The older they get, the more
it turns into one-way traffic.
371
00:22:26,179 --> 00:22:27,659
Just the way it is.
372
00:22:29,899 --> 00:22:33,219
Blimey. Where did that come from?
373
00:22:33,219 --> 00:22:36,379
Mum?! You know
your bottles of perfume?
374
00:22:36,379 --> 00:22:40,739
Yes, I know my bottles of perfume.
375
00:22:41,859 --> 00:22:47,459
Well, there might have been
an accident involving them.
376
00:22:48,899 --> 00:22:51,859
Oh, that's all right.
377
00:22:51,859 --> 00:22:54,939
You'll be growing up soon.
Only want to do this with girls.
378
00:22:54,939 --> 00:22:58,419
Girls? That's disgusting!
Yeah, that's my boy. Off you go.
379
00:22:58,419 --> 00:23:01,939
Don't go near the mess.
I'll clear it up later.
380
00:23:01,939 --> 00:23:04,739
TV IS SWITCHED ON
What are you doing?
381
00:23:04,739 --> 00:23:10,059
It's an international. Oh, no.
No TV. It's Family Sunday.
382
00:23:10,059 --> 00:23:13,859
For the kids, but it doesn't
apply to the adults. Yes, it does.
383
00:23:13,859 --> 00:23:19,059
If you watch that, it undermines
our whole ban. England are playing! But you hate England.
384
00:23:19,059 --> 00:23:23,939
You said they are overpaid,
girlie tossers. Capello's experimenting with 4-3-3. What?
385
00:23:23,939 --> 00:23:28,819
Four girlie tossers with three
girlie tossers in front? You're just being silly now.
386
00:23:28,819 --> 00:23:31,899
I'll compromise. If any of the kids
come in, I'll turn it off.
387
00:23:33,139 --> 00:23:35,779
Hello, darling.
388
00:23:35,779 --> 00:23:38,739
Look, my tooth's really wobbly.
389
00:23:38,739 --> 00:23:41,859
Oh. That's gonna come out
soon, isn't it? Yeah.
390
00:23:41,859 --> 00:23:44,939
Anyway, I want to play.
391
00:23:44,939 --> 00:23:48,499
Right. I want to play for Grandad.
392
00:23:48,499 --> 00:23:55,299
Oh, you see, Grandad's quite tired
at the moment, darling, but I know who would like to hear you play.
393
00:23:55,299 --> 00:24:00,179
And that's the birds in the garden,
because they'll think that you're a bird just like them.
394
00:24:00,179 --> 00:24:04,459
No, they wouldn't. I want to
play for either you or Grandad.
395
00:24:04,459 --> 00:24:07,059
Grandad's in there.
396
00:24:07,059 --> 00:24:10,659
But what we would really like
is for you to play to us.
397
00:24:10,659 --> 00:24:12,819
Absolutely.
398
00:24:12,819 --> 00:24:18,099
This is called Song Of The Angels
and I composed it myself.
399
00:24:19,099 --> 00:24:26,179
SHE PLAYS A GRATING,
HALTING TUNE.
400
00:24:35,659 --> 00:24:40,539
What's that noise?! That was Karen
playing her lovely recorder, Frank. But it's awful.
401
00:24:41,659 --> 00:24:45,699
Just a horrible old man!
Karen, Grandad was only joking.
402
00:24:45,699 --> 00:24:47,579
Have I upset her? I'm sorry.
403
00:24:47,579 --> 00:24:50,339
No, Dad, it's fine. I think
we over-praise her a bit.
404
00:24:50,339 --> 00:24:55,099
I didn't mean to. It's fine. Listen,
Dad, you know what you mentioned,
405
00:24:55,099 --> 00:24:58,139
a few moments ago,
about children buggering off?
406
00:24:59,739 --> 00:25:03,779
Well, if that was about me, then
I just wanted to say that I didn't,
407
00:25:03,779 --> 00:25:07,259
I didn't mean
to make you feel abandoned.
408
00:25:07,259 --> 00:25:11,819
I was 17 and I just wanted to...
you know...
409
00:25:11,819 --> 00:25:14,219
and I'm sorry if...
410
00:25:14,219 --> 00:25:16,739
I'm just sorry.
411
00:25:18,259 --> 00:25:20,939
I said what about
children doing what?
412
00:25:24,219 --> 00:25:28,019
Well, it doesn't matter.
Do you want a cup of tea?
413
00:25:28,019 --> 00:25:29,819
Yeah, I don't mind if I do.
414
00:25:31,939 --> 00:25:38,139
She's fine. I told her that as you
get older, nice music sounds nasty.
415
00:25:38,139 --> 00:25:41,299
And vice versa,
which is why he likes Celine Dion.
416
00:25:41,299 --> 00:25:45,219
Actually, I didn't.
I didn't say that last bit, I just made it up right now.
417
00:25:45,219 --> 00:25:48,219
Sue, do you think
I'm getting more moles?
418
00:25:48,219 --> 00:25:53,739
I'll get out last year's mole map.
Because apparently, you should check them every couple of months.
419
00:25:53,739 --> 00:25:57,819
Do you think you ought to leave
that self-diagnosis website alone for a bit?
420
00:25:57,819 --> 00:26:04,219
Next thing, you'll be at the mirror
comparing your bollocks again, and I think that scarred Jake for life.
421
00:26:04,219 --> 00:26:06,539
We told him not to just
come in like that.
422
00:26:06,539 --> 00:26:10,019
By the way, did you manage
have that chat with him?
423
00:26:10,019 --> 00:26:13,219
Yeah, yeah. Go well?
424
00:26:14,419 --> 00:26:17,379
Yeah, good. Good.
425
00:26:17,379 --> 00:26:20,419
Can we watch
TV yet? No!
426
00:26:20,419 --> 00:26:26,539
You know, the time they're little,
it's such a short part of our lives,
427
00:26:26,539 --> 00:26:30,019
and you're right, we should
make the most of every minute.
428
00:26:31,699 --> 00:26:35,379
I'm going to get them down
to play more games. Kids!
429
00:26:36,819 --> 00:26:42,059
41, 42...
430
00:26:42,059 --> 00:26:43,939
43...
431
00:26:43,939 --> 00:26:46,739
The whole landing smells
of perfume by the way.
432
00:26:49,299 --> 00:26:55,139
I bet Mrs Stepford's wonder children
next door wouldn't think of mixing earwax and perfume to make a candle.
433
00:26:55,139 --> 00:26:59,579
..45...
They lack the originality.
434
00:26:59,579 --> 00:27:05,019
..46... And the intellectual
curiosity. ..47!
435
00:27:05,019 --> 00:27:09,499
Not that anyone's competing,
of course. 48...
436
00:27:09,499 --> 00:27:12,779
BOTH: 49...50!
437
00:27:17,699 --> 00:27:22,219
Ready or not, here we come!
438
00:27:24,099 --> 00:27:29,699
Do you know, I don't think
I've ever felt this knackered at the end of a Sunday,
439
00:27:29,699 --> 00:27:33,619
except maybe when the Pedalo got
caught by that riptide off Guernsey.
440
00:27:33,619 --> 00:27:38,539
You know I said I was going to live
every minute of every day? Yeah.
441
00:27:38,539 --> 00:27:42,179
I think I might live every other
minute of every other day.
442
00:27:42,179 --> 00:27:44,019
With the odd tea break.
443
00:27:45,379 --> 00:27:49,299
You're not even looking for us!
Yes, we are.
444
00:27:49,299 --> 00:27:53,259
We're checking out the kitchen. Ben!
They're not even looking for us!
445
00:27:53,259 --> 00:27:58,379
What? That is so lazy!
What are you doing in here?
446
00:27:58,379 --> 00:28:01,619
You're making it much too easy
for us. You should be hiding.
447
00:28:01,619 --> 00:28:05,019
Not fair. You made me play
this stupid game. Oh, come on.
448
00:28:05,019 --> 00:28:10,859
When you play a game with somebody,
you can't just go off! Lazy lumps. We're not bunking off.
449
00:28:10,859 --> 00:28:13,819
All right, all right,
all right, OK!
450
00:28:13,819 --> 00:28:18,779
It's Family Sunday, you were
promised a game of hide and seek, so that's what you shall have.
451
00:28:18,779 --> 00:28:22,819
You go and hide and we will...
Sod it, go and watch the television.
452
00:28:22,819 --> 00:28:25,059
ALL: Yes!
453
00:28:29,211 --> 00:28:31,195
Subtitles by
Red Bee Media Ltd - 2008 E-mail: subtitling@bbc.co.uk
454
00:28:31,245 --> 00:28:35,795
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
39810
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