Original subtitles

- OK, are you ready, Ben? - Mm-hm.

Hold the bat the way I told you. Come on.

OK, let's play table tennis.

Right, I'll tell you what, I'll serve, shall I?

- OK, here we go. Are you ready? - Mm-hm.

Goal! 1-0 to me!

l told you to stop nagging me and you wouldn't stop.

You just ignored me and carried on nagging me.

I've said this time and time again that I'm going to leave home

and now I really am.

Excellent. Where are you going?

I'm going...to Spain in a beach

or maybe Greenland.

Mm-hm.

Or... Or Dorking.

Dorking? How will you be getting there?

Train.

Right. Have you got enough money?

- Hippo's got the money. - Hippo's got the money.

And got your tickets all sorted?

Pusscat has.

Excellent. Well, that seems to be all...all in order, then.

l hope you have a lovely time.

Come on, Ben. You're not losing by many. let's play.

No, I'm not playing.

Ben, it's very important in sport not just to walk off when you start losing.

What does Wayne Rooney do when he's losing?

He kicks people.

Not always. And he never just walks off.

Of his own volition.

Ben!

look, I've packed you some food and your favourite jumper,

so I hope you have a lovely time.

I'm really, really, really not coming back and I'm serious.

- I know. - I'm definitely not coming back.

I know. Bye.

Mum, what's going on?

Don't worry. She's left home before.

She goes round the corner, she waits a bit and then she comes back.

Right, so...

She'll only go ten yards cos she's afraid of the main road.

She'll be just round this corner. look. Come on.

Look. She's gonna be here.

Come away from the road!

(Phone rings)

Hello.

Ah, Veronica. Hi.

Yeah.

Mm-hm. Uh-huh.

Yeah, so what you're basically saying is

that I can have my job back as long as I cringe and grovel?

Mm-hm. Well, yeah, I know l sometimes say things I don't mean.

So let me make this clear.

You can take your stupid job

and place it up the aforementioned location

with considerable vigour.

- So stick it up her arse? - Yes, thank you, Jake.

Yeah.

Can I crack the eggs?

Please!

I'm the best egg-cracker in the world.

Well, it's...

l can crack eggs like a robot that's created to crack eggs.

- Yeah, all right, then. - I'll go to bed extra early.

That's a very good deal. You be careful.

- Mum's letting you cook? - Yeah.

She's doing the main and the pudding. I'm doing the starter.

We've got guests coming and Mum's letting you cook?

Oi! Anyway, you seem more cheerful.

Yeah!

- Is school OK? - I got this back.

Oh, well done.

And that boy, Preston, he just... He just gave it back to you, did he?

It's cool, OK?

I remember at school that the bullying stopped

when I showed them that I just wasn't frightened of 'em.

And when that new boy started, the boy with the stutter...

Peter the Repeater, they called him.

Well, Paracetamol Pete after the suicide attempt.

The main thing is that you just wanna show them that you're not scared.

lt is just this Preston, is it?

Dad...just leave it, OK?

There you are. I told you l was good at cracking eggs.

Thank you.

There's...a few little bits of shell in the bowl there.

And you've used all the eggs. Splendid.

When we get to India, will there still be Blu-Tack?

Well, we haven't definitely decide... How do you know about India?

- Did you tell her? - No. She just knows stuff.

It's gonna be great, Karen, cos we're gonna take you out of school

and spend some time travelling around, aren't we?

Yeah, that's right. It's definitely on our to-do list.

lf you're gonna take me out of school,

then who's gonna teach me?

- Well, I will. - But I need a teacher.

- I am a teacher. That's what I do. - A proper one.

l am a proper teacher. That's what I do.

What do you think I do when I go to work?

l teach at big school for big children. Very big children.

Enormous children.

- And I'm not that big, am I? - No.

And if you teach big children,

then you...then you teach big things

that I might not even know yet.

l might not even know what they mean yet.

Yeah, but I know all the little things, as well, to teach you.

When we go to India, can we go around shooting people

and whipping them with ropes?

Ah, no, no, no. You're thinking... Indians is what you mean, isn't it?

You're thinking of the wrong kind of Indians.

There are Indians like Ravi and Kuj who come from India.

Then there are the Indians you're thinking of,

''Wah, wah, wah, wah'' Indians, who live in America.

Mum, what can I do? Ben got to crack eggs.

Jesus! Oh!

(Whispers) Ben and eggs. Why?

Mum!

You can...count the plates in the dining room.

Angela only eats free-range organic chicken, doesn't she?

I'm glad you invited her, though.

Yeah. Yeah, I know. l have been a bit hard on her.

l mean, it's not an easy thing to come and look after Dad.

- I spoke to... - Daddy.

Mmm?

You've put the forks the wrong way round.

Have I? What, on the table?

You put them like that when they're supposed to go like that.

What will happen if I do it wrong?

Will Earth disappear into a black hole?

Actually, some scientists think that might happen.

lf the particle accelerator in Switzerland recreates the Big Bang

and then it forms a huge black hole,

the solar system could be sucked into it.

Well, that will play havoc with house prices.

ls absolutely everything made out of atoms?

Yep. Everything.

- Am I made out of atoms? - Yeah. Everything is.

Are shadows?

That's an interesting one.

Um...well, shadows are an absence of light so I suppose...

Are dreams?

Well, dreams are an electrical impuke that passes through the brain,

so I suppose they could be made of partitcles that have clusters...

Are Trinny and Susannah?

Now that one I can answer. No, they are made of Polyfilla.

- And Paraquat. - Exactly.

We've got to get you to bed.

(Karen) Are atoms made out of atoms?

(Pete) I'm gonna pass that one over to your mother.

(Jake) I wasn't the one saying everything was made out of atoms.

(Man) It wasn't our first choice. But the schools are so good...

Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.

- Can I have some beer? - Er, no.

- Can I have some gin and tonic? - No.

(Doorbell rings)

Karen, can you open the door for Auntie Angela, please?

Sorry, he gets a bit overexcited when we have guests.

They all do, don't worry. You've got lovely kids, really.

(Whispers) Our Jay kept bothering us about trying alcohol.

So we gave him some and...now he doesn't ask any more.

Ben, come over here.

A little bit of gin, OK?

OK. If you're sure you want to ty it.

Sure you want to, yeah?

(Sue) What?

Can I have some more?

(laughter)

l think it's time for bed, don't you?

Why am I not allowed to stay up like you grown-ups?

Because you're little and you have to get your sleep.

- (Doorbell rings) - (Jake) I'll get it.

- (Jake) Hi, Auntie Angela. - Hiya.

Thank you very much for inviting us.

I'm so sorry. I thought Karen was going to let you in.

She wouldn't until I guessed the password.

- What was it? - Don't know. She wouldn't let me in.

- Karen! - No, no, no. It's OK.

l don't mind from my favourite niece in the whole wide world.

How many nieces do you have?

Well, one, but even if I had 100, you'd still be my favourite.

That's silly because you wouldn't know what the other ones would be like.

(Hiccups)

Have you got hiccups?

Yes.

So would you like me to read you a bedtime stoy?

l don't want a stoy.

You'll enjoy it.

(Hiccups) But I don't want her to read a stoy to me.

Why don't we all move on through?

(Ravi) Well, thank you.

Upstairs to bed. I'll come and check on you.

That was hard work.

Then the Headmaster rang up Dad again.

Now Dad has to read out this statement in front of the school

and then he has to go on a racial awareness course.

Oh, yes. We saw that article in the local paper. ''We know him,'' we said.

Most of what they wrote was just plain wrong.

You know how journalists just twist everything you say.

Not if you don't speak to them they don't.

Well, I know you're not allowed to say this but the Turkish people,

they are super-sensitive.

Remember that café in Izmir?

Yes, but it might have been better not to have asked for Greek coffee!

But Turkey's a magical place. I love it.

You should go there with the kids.

So let me get this right, you are giving up your jobs

to travel the world with your family, yes?

Yep, yep. That's always been Pete's plan and now it's turned into reality.

Yeah, that's right. Well, it's cekainly on the agenda.

Quite high.

So, Peter, do you still need to appease this fat boy and his father?

It's just a question of references.

But we could manage without them, if we had to.

Nobody would take me seriously.

It's like you say, Angela.

You've got to seize the day and not let the little things hold you back.

It's down to Angela we're able to go on the trip

because she's left her life in America behind to look after our dad.

- Of course cos he's got... - He's got early dementia.

The most difficult bit is he gets obsessed with stupid things.

Mind you, I do that.

- Oh yeah, you shout at Davina McCall. - Ravi does that!

(laughter)

- Oh, hello. - Hiya.

- I'm scared. - Are you? What of?

- Dinosaurs. - They're extinct.

- Vampires. - Don't exist.

Er...burglars.

They definitely exist cos Ross got burgled a few days ago.

Sorry, everyone. Come on.

- Can I have a taste of your wine? - No.

- Can I watch little Britain? - No, you can't.

- Can I watch anything? - No.

It's fantastic food, by the way. Delicious chicken.

It's organic. You can taste the difference.

- Mmm. - Yeah.

Factoy-farm birds get so stressed, they release chemicals into the flesh. You can taste it.

Right.

Well, that's interesting. I never knew that.

The doors are locked, windows are locked.

Burglars can't get in, OK?

What if they come down the chimney?

Nobody can come down the chimney.

Santa can. He's bigger than most burglars.

Yeah, but Santa's not...not around, is he, at this time of year?

Maybe demons can.

What about...? But fairies do exist.

Yeah, fairies do

but fairies are very unlikely to tie us up and rob us in our beds.

But if fairies can get in, then definitely demons can get in

and little gremlins.

What about...goblins?

Goblins can't come down. They don't exist.

They don't exist.

Yes, but then who makes little presents for Santa

to bring to all the little children?

- The elves. - Elves.

Will you please go back to bed?

What about if a badger came down?

Badgers exist but they're very unlikely to be burgling us.

You should be in bed.

No, because I'm scared just like... just like Ben.

Don't do the door.

What about the bat thingy from Doctor Who?

I've got to go downstairs.

What about a big ginormous tarantula creeping?

And then it comes onto the bed and kills us with its ginormous...things.

Rajasthan is probably my...ooh, second favourite Indian state after Kerala

but ahead of Tamil Nadu and West Bengal.

- So what part of India are you from? - Pakistan.

Well, my family. Way back.

But Ravi's family's Indian.

Oh, so which parts of India do you recommend?

I've never been to India. All the disease and crime.

And I'm not very good with poverty.

- Have you got many relatives there? - Yes, there's that, as well.

(laughter)

I've shut the bathroom window in case we're raided by gun-toting pixies.

Why shouldn't pixies have guns? Everybody else does.

(laughs)

I'm thinking of getting an AK-47 myself just to win the respect of 5J.

(laughter)

(Sighs) Isn't this nice?

Adult conversation and wine

and my grown-up son at the table

and wine and...

I'll get the pudding.

- Well, I'll help. - Yeah.

Thank you.

So how are you doing, Jake? Are you tired?

No, no. I'm wide awake.

I'll get the plates.

- Dad's far worse than I thought. - Yeah, I know.

l did say.

l woke up at three this morning and he was in the garden putting bottles into boxes

and I couldn't get him back in.

And then he got all upset. l can't handle this the way you do.

Anyway, so...I'm heading off back to America.

(Ravi) This friend of mine is actually related to...

- Oh, that looks spectacular! - Doesn't it just!

Fingermarks. Ben's been at it.

- You can have that bit. - I've seen where he's put his fingers.

Er...Angela, could I have a word with you in the kitchen, please?

Oh, I'm just freshening up everyone's drinks.

- Why don't I come and help? - I'd prefer Angela.

- Does it matter? - Yes, it matters.

I'm in the middle of something here.

- Why don't l...? - No, no. Sit down!

Because, look, Angela's finished refreshing the drinks and she's going to come into the kitchen

and help me with...with the sauce.

Sauce?

l-l-I'd rather...

Angela, you have a choice.

You can either come into the kitchen and help me with the sauce

or you can help me with the sauce out here in front of everyone.

looks like you're the...sauce lady.

- Sue, is...? - Everything's under control.

(Clears throat)

(Sue) Every bloody time you let everyone down! God knows why...

- (Angela) You are so judgmental! - Because you are crap!

You've always been crap!

(Angela) listening to you makes me so glad I've got a life!

So, Ravi, tell me about your job. It sounds fascinating.

Yes, the company...

(Shouting)

..decided they needed one full-time accountant in-house.

(Shouting)

(Clears throat)

(Shouting)

And what's your office like?

(Angela) I can't spend my time like that. life's not a rehearsal!

- Is it nice? - (Sue) It's not a bloody play either!

- It's open-plan, isn't it? - Open-plan? Oh.

(Shouting continues)

Actually, Dad, I am a bit tired.

- I'll go to bed. - Good idea.

- Night-night. - Night.

(Shouting)

Fully open-plan or...partitions?

Partitions, yeah.

- Who uses neuroticism as an excuse! - Listen to yourself! God!

look at you. A ctct-year-old free spirit

with a rucksack full of self-help books

and an addiction to tofu!

And a moustache.

Who's a bitch now?

You are a mean, small-minded, suburban bitch!

Well, it's better than a menopausal, hippy-chick bitch!

Hi, sweetheart.

Erm...Auntie Angela and l, we were...just playing a game

and the game is who can shout the silliest and rudest thing?

Bucket head!

- Dog pants. - Would you like to have a go?

Well, I think I've had enough of that game now.

l haven't.

Big Potto needs a biscuit.

You can't just do things like this...

Big and Mini Potto need a biscuit.

No, they don't! They're bloody toy hippopotami...ses!

(Sighs)

Just... Unless you want to continue this in there.

(Mooing)

There you go, darling. Off you go. I'll be up shortly.

- You shouldn't take it out on her. - Don't cosy up to her!

Despite all your presents, she still doesn't like you!

(Angela) You have poisoned her against me.

(Sue) Oh, no, no. She's worked it out herself because she's very clever.

(Angela) She takes after Pete. (Sue) Oh, shut your face!

No, you shut your face!

So you can see over the top of the...?

Yes, if you're standing. Not if you're...

- Not if you're sitting. - At your desk.

(Clears throat)

Sort of...part partitions.

(Nervous laughter)

(Ravi) Yeah.

That's a bit calmer. (Clears throat)

(Sue) Smug? She's calling me smug?!

It's amazing the strong opinions that sauce can provoke.

(laughter)

..playing the victim again!

- Do you want a smack in the mouth? - Bring on the threats!

- Want a smack in the mouth? - Bring it on!

- Sue! - What?

Maybe you, the two of you...

She...is buggering off back to America.

Now we gathered that. We gathered quite a lot of things.

Why are you all shouting? You woke me up.

That's a good question, Ben. Why are we all shouting? We're...

You say I'm not allowed to shout.

You are absolutely right. It's not fair.

It's not fair people shouting the whole way through dinner when we've got guests.

- It's unfair. - Shh. Now.

Mummy is going to put you back to bed.

You're going to put him back to bed, aren't you, Mummy?

Yes.

- This way. - Why am I not allowed to shout?

Well, because...you're just not.

- (Shouts) Can I shout like this? - No, you can't shout like that.

- Can I shout like this? - No, you're on your way to bed.

- Can I watch little Britain? - No.

So the light came on, and I don't know what it was.

l just thought ''That's probably very expensive.''

So there we were stuck on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere.

When the breakdown truck arrives, it turned out to be the alternator.

- Gosh, we'd better get back. - We better go, yeah.

Er...couldn't get a baby-sitter so her sister had to come.

Oh, that's so nice. A sister who helps with the family.

Will she still be there when you get back

or will she have gone off somewhere to find herself or something?

Well, that was lovely.

Thank you. We must...have you over again soon.

Another dinner party. How will you cope with all the excitement?

Oh, are you going, too, Angela?

Will we see you before you leave the county?

My plane leaves tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow? What, just like that? And what about your dad?

Even by your cowardly standards, that really takes the biscuit!

- She comes here every couple of years... - Just see Ravi and Kuj out.

- I'm sorry... - (Ravi) No.

So will you tell Dad about your decision?

Yes, of course, I will.

Right.

So I'll be round there tomorrow night to tell him that you're not coming back?

Sue, you've got to learn to trust people.

Excuse me.

Come on. let's not part enemies.

Angela...

lt wasn't organic chicken.

(Phone rings)

Hello. Oh, Dad.

No, no. Don't worry. She's just left.

She'll be with you in about 20 minutes.

lt went really well, yeah.

Pudding didn't turn out quite as I expected

but, no, Angela was on her usual terrific form.

No, no, no, no, no. Everything's fine.

Everything's fine, yes.

Yeah, yeah. No, it is great having her around, isn't it?

No, she'll be with you in 20 minutes, Dad.

And when she gets there, could you give her a message from me?

Could you tell her that she...?

No. No, it's not important. It...

Yeah. You just...

You sit down and have a cup of tea and make the most of her.

Yeah, yeah.

And you, Dad.

Yeah. Night-night.

Hi, sweetie.

Have you been crying?

Oh, just a little bit.

Did you have a fight with Auntie Angela?

Yeah.

- Did you punch her? - Yeah.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Where did you punch her? - On the nose.

- Did she have a nosebleed? - No!

Did you kick her?

No, no, no. We just had...

We just had a little argument, that's all.

- Did you hurt her at all? - No.

- I've made you a cup of tea. - Oh, thanks.

Come on, shove up.

You can say, ''l told you so,'' if you like.

l knew she'd go back to being Angela.

You said she was on Prozac.

Can you shout that loud on Prozac?

- When are we going to India? - We won't be able to do that now.

Well, that was never really gonna happen, was it?

Apart from inside Daddy's head.

Not inside my head. We will go. We'll go when the time's right.

l want to be chased by a tiger

and make one of those flat-headed snakes come out of a bowl.

- Well, we can probably arrange that. - We can do that, anyway.

- We don't need to go to India for that. - Could do that here.

We could certainly arrange for you to be chased by a tiger.

- Hi, guys. - Hiya.

Are dinner parties always like that?

Well, they tend to be when your Auntie Angela comes round, yeah.

I'm gonna get some milk cos I can't sleep properly.

Are you worried about something? School or...?

Dad, I told you that's all sorted. Since I made friends with Connor.

- Connor? - Well, yeah, he's huge.

Almost as big as you, Dad.

Making friends with a big kid, eh? That's smart.

So Preston's not bothering you any more?

No, no. Not since Connor beat him up in the changing rooms, no.

Really? That's so cool, Jake.

He got...the big kid to beat him up?

Yeah.

- We can't condone that. - No, we can't condone that, no.

- It's resourceful, though, isn't it? - But wrong.

Well, it's wrong, yeah. It's very wrong.

Mind you, that kid, Preston, he had it coming, didn't he?

Pete, it's wrong! You can't... you can't meet violence with violence !

Well, not often, no. OK, never.

Rarely.

- We're gonna have to speak to him. - Yeah, but not now, eh?

Has all the shouting stopped?

I'm sorry I shouted at you. That was very wrong of me, wasn't it?

Yes, that was very wrong of you.

You won't leave home again, will you?

Not till morning.

look out. Here come the other two.

Can we watch little Britain?

- Have a guess. - Yes.

Have another guess.

We should go up to bed together cos it is school tomorrow.

No, not until Dad does his thing.

What thing?

- Your thing. - Oh, yeah! Do it, Dad!

Oh, no. You must be tired.

- Oh, please! - Pretty please!

Then we'll go to bed if you do it.

All right, I'll do my thing but on one condition

and that is as soon as I've done it, we all go straight up to bed, OK?

- No argument. - Go on, Dad.

let's all cosy up.

Go on, Dad!

Are you ready?

(Screeches)

(laughter)

Dad!

(Screeches)

(laughter)

(Screeches)

You've got the hots for me!

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