All language subtitles for Our Cartoon President s01e14 1The Senior Vote.eng

I'm Anderson Cooper,
and unlike Chris Cuomo,

my daddy didn't get me
this job -- my mommy did.

President Trump's attorney
Rudy Giuliani,

who has somehow
not been Me Too'd yet,

has been appearing on cable news
to defend the President

against accusations
of Russian collusion

and, in the process,
thrown up all over himself.

Joining me now, a fish
trying to swim on pavement.

The President did not collude,

and even if he did,
it's not a crime,

and even if it is a crime,
some older kids made him do it.

And the fish is already gasping
for air on a sizzling sidewalk.

You see, Wolf,
in the Federal Code,

there are
only two crimes --

there's murder and speeding.
What about robbery?

Well, you're speeding away
with someone's stuff.

-Makes no sense, and I love it.
-The real crime was the hacking.

It's another form of speeding.
It's computer speeding!

But Trump couldn't do that
because he doesn't drive.

He tries to move the pedals
side to side,

like he's straightening
a tie.

He swears we're moving,
but we're not moving!

I'm now being told

Rudy Giuliani would like
to issue a correction?

That's right --
I stand by every word I said,

just not in that order.
It's America's Mayor, folks.

Now I'm gonna start
moving my mouth,

and we'll find out together
what I'm gonna say.

Trump was not at
the three planning meetings

before the Trump Tower
meeting -- oh, whoops!

-Wait.
-There it is.

We only knew about one planning
meeting. There were three?

Let's compromise
and say there were five.

What's going on
with your eyes?

Uh, I-I can't blink them,
but there's an app for that.

Ahh.
Another thing I will say

because I've already
thought it and can't stop

is Mueller has
a conflict of interest

because he worked
with the FBI,

so he's biased
against criminals.

You're on fire tonight, Rudy.

What's your secret
or mood disorder?

These arguments
are like free jazz to me.

I let the words take me
where they want to go

and go and go and go
and go and -- [scatting]

Hillary colluded.
[scatting]

Blanket pardon.
[scatting]

Deep-state boogie.

[scatting]

Collusion's not a crime

[gulping]

Ahhh. [hiccups]

[theme music plays]

I'm Wolf Blitzer.

I look like the tray
of fuzzy ice you find

when cleaning out
your dead dad's freezer.

New polls show youth support
for the GOP is at record lows.

We go now live
to President Trump,

who's just finished recapping
season two of Knight Rider.

Wow, look at all these hot,
young pieces of ass.

The Democrats waste all their
time talking about the future,

but what's so wrong
with the past?

Back then, the men were men,

and the women
were Sigourney Weaver.

And to get into college,
you only needed eight bucks

and a solved Rubik's Cube.

So, it's time to
Make America Great Ag--

[man thuds]
[crowd gasps]

Upp! Looks like someone up front

has vacated their seat
forevermore.

Come on up! Just nudge
that corpse out of the way.

[thud, crowd gasps]
Holy moly! Another one!

It's okay to skip
the "Lock her up" chants

if you're a stroke risk.

Hey, have you guys noticed
all the young people

at my rallies are old people?

We have, and we're
starting to think that

they're instinctually coming
to your rallies to quietly die

in the same way elephants
wander off into the woods.

Why can't we get some
normal-aged people

in the prime of their lives,
like me?

-The young are fools, sir...
-Gangnam Style.

...and that is why I'm blessed
to have the ornery countenance

and varicose-veined thighs
of a much older man.

Young people
don't support you.

If you want Republicans
to win majorities in November,

you need to energize
your core political base --

people who remember
when sanitary pads

were the size of yoga mats.

We recommend speaking
at the Iowa State Fair.

It's ground zero for old people
nostalgically eating foods

that will ultimately
kill them.

Will I have to
walk up any stairs?

-There might be three or four --
-I'm out.

[President Trump] Melania!

Melania!

[feedback squeaks]
Melania Trump,

please report to my bedroom.

What?! I am trying
to sleep my life away.

Everyone says that
I'm like this bullhorn --

I make a lot of noise,

and one day,
I'll run out of batteries.

But what if everyone's wrong?

You're going to die.

Why else would I have
married you?

Nuh-uh.
With my limitless energy,

me and this bullhorn
could last forever.

[bullhorn squealing, screeches]

If that bullhorn was you,

I'd be looting its
safe-deposit box right now.

The swan song of the bullhorn
is a beautiful thing to behold.

♪♪♪

To energize
your elderly base,

we will visit
with Korean War veterans,

then make our way to
the mobility-scooter dealership,

and finally have
a quick photo op

in a rheumatologist
waiting room.

What about campaigning somewhere
hip and young for a change?

Maybe I go on In Living Color
and dance with the Fly Girls?

You just don't connect
with voters

who weren't old enough to get
drunk the night Nixon resigned.

[Don Jr.]
You're the tits, Dad,

according to young people like
me and Stephen Miller.

I have no age!

You should go talk
to college kids.

I'll be your hype man.

I'll pump you up
with some LMFAO,

and then we can go do whippits
in the stacks.

I don't like saying this in
front of him, but Don's right.

-Also, Don, you're wrong!
-I know. I know.

Sir, I have to advise
against this.

College crowds are picky
about who speaks on campus.

Berkeley shouted down
Rachael Ray's appearance because

they considered her meatball
recipe "heteronormative."

I'm the President
of the United States.

I'm pretty sure I'll be
welcomed with open --

Armed riot police

stormed the campus of liberal
Maidenbridge College

ahead of Trump's appearance,

with the majority
of campus buildings

already spectacularly
burned to the ground.

Kudos to
the heroic firefighters

for taking just long enough

to guarantee the campus
is impossible to rebuild.

That's heroism!

They were not buying
what I was selling.

We continue now with
shocking new reports

of the Maidenbridge
College fire.

Despite the whole
out-of-control-inferno thing,

that visit was really
special, Dad.

I had a delicious meal
in their dining hall...

Eyewitnesses say an inebriated
Donald Trump Jr.

scalded his hand
stealing wedge fries

from a dining-hall fryolator...

...and even checked out their
track-and-field program.

...and had a javelin
wrestled from his hands

by five campus police officers.

Did you have a cold
or something, Don?

It used to take
eight to ten campus cops

to thwart
your javelin heists.

Jesus, Don, you're 40 years old
and a father of five,

but you don't own
a single pair of boots

you haven't thrown up in.

Listen, the midterms
are around the corner and --

I know. You need
a catchy slogan,

and you want help from
my boys, Noam and Chadwicke,

from On The Grind Advertising.

No. I need you to be
more like Paul Ryan.

He's around your age
and just as stupid,

but everyone thinks he's smart
because he combs his hair

and lifts weights
with his knees.

I told you -- my lumbar
vertebrae looks like

a melting stack of ice cream
scoops because my bed's lumpy.

♪♪♪

So, it's a cute idea,
right, Mike?

We all want
rodeo kids to vote,

if only because
they lack empathy

and would therefore
vote our way,

but let me ask this --

Who else smells
like an old barn?

Eric.

Eric...
and old people.

Since the founding, old people
have protected this nation

from the ills of progress.

They protected our schools
from integration.

They protected
our Vietnam soldiers

from going home
to their families.

Those are your people,

the kind of people
who love the Iowa State Fair.

Don't you mean
the Iowa Stairs Fair?

Again, there
are three stairs, tops...

Aah!
...and it's important

you climb them onto that stage

to inspire elderly folks
to vote for us in November.

You're right, Mike.

I'm going to mobilize
so many old people

that those voting booths
will never get rid of the smell!

[echoing] The smell...
the smell...the smell...

[President Trump]
All right, fossils,

it's time for me
to win over old people,

and I know
the best way to do that

is to listen to your
inspiring, folksy stories.

My folksy stories

were reluctantly
defended by the ACLU.

So, lay one on me.

You have my
undivided attention.

Well, when I got home
from the Persian Gulf War...

Oh, my God,
where is this going?

...I took a train
up the Pacific Coast,

and on the ride,

I sat next to the most
wonderful lady.

What does this
have to do with me?!

I got her name -- Linda.

God, she was beautiful,
hair the color of midnight,

and I've always regretted
not getting her last name...

Get to the point, you cedar
chest full of moldy bedsheets!

...because every time
I close my eyes,

I imagine us married
with three beautiful children.

James, you're like
the saddest room at the YMCA.

You're probably wondering

why I invited you
to my chill-out glade.

It is time I grew up
and matured

because my dad's
really mad at me,

so I'll just watch you guys
and hopefully pick up

some responsible,
middle-aged-man habits.

The key to being middle-aged

is recounting the details of
your day with your fellow man.

It makes others bear witness

to the vague, formless cloud

that is the middle-aged
man's life.

Like the other day,
I left my work gloves

at Pittsburgh Paints,

so I head over to Lowe's
and buy myself a new pair.

I go home,
and it turns out

I didn't leave the gloves
at the paint store

because there's Janna
using them to prune.

[chuckling] Wow.

Your wife had them
the whole time?

I like Pittsburgh Paints,
but I never find a parking spot

because they share a lot
with that donut shop.

What I like to do is park across
the street at the Burger King.

And they don't say anything?

No. I usually just
give them a head's up,

and they're fine with it.
[groaning]

You see how this works, Don?
Wanna jump in?

Uhh...so, my pledge brother
at Penn had these gloves.

-Oh, yeah?
-Oh, yeah?

So, as a good-natured prank,

I went to a farm,
hopped over a fence,

and had a bull
inseminate the gloves.

[chuckles]

Wh-What sort of fence
we talking here?

Mr. President, we've put
together a new commercial

that's airing tonight.

It's gonna draw in
the demographic we need.

[announcer]
Refugees --

they're coming to destroy
our way of life.

Get ready for drugs
in our schools,

sex in our churches,

and livestock
in our movie theaters.

This is the same
scary crap we ran in 2016.

Wait for it, big boy.

Soon it will all be gone --

your slippers,
your photo frames,

the nice lady who comes to
the home on Thursdays at noon

to do crossword puzzles
out loud,

even...your...doilies --
gone!

One man and his party
are ready to fight the future.

Support Donald Trump.

Vote GOP in November.

[applause]

We'll get out
of your hair now.

Stay.
I'm afraid to be alone.

rock music

No need for lessons here,
Sensei.

I think I know my way
around a bar.

Ten vodka Red Bulls --
make 'em warm.

Don, it's time to drink
like a middle-aged man.

I ordered us
these blueberry IPAs.

Ugh! It tastes like a dirty
dishrag and burnt hair.

And blueberries.

Being middle-aged is about
fixating on little details

to distract us from the fact

that nothing's
enjoyable anymore.

Well, look who it is.
Mr. Ryan. My brother, Don.

Eric!
Did you follow me here?

I'm having a private,
middle-aged man's drink

with my friend Paul Ryan.

I can taste the blueberries!

So, I assume you forgot
you're allergic to them?

My three pediatric
allergists are on vacation!

Aah!

I'm starting to like
this being-old stuff.

No one blinks an eye

when I show up to security
briefings in my pajamas.

Perhaps you'd like
to head up to the residence

using your new stairlift.

Jeff, this isn't Star Wars.

There's no such thing
as a...

[mechanical whirring]
[choir vocalizing]

...stairlift?

[vocalizing continues]

For real?
How could it be?

I-I can't belie--

Oh, my God.

Gentlemen, do you realize
what this is?

[both] A stairlift.

Well, we thought it would help
you relate to the elderly

if your house looked
more like theirs.

Who has this technology?
Because if the Saudis have it,

we need to tell whoever's
Secretary of Defense.

You mean me?

This is no time
for jokes, Mattis.

Listen closely.
I want this in every room.

Drain the Treasury
if you have to.

It's just a --
Shh, shh.

[hushed] The Saudis
could be listening.

[mechanical whirring]

[whispering]
This is F-in' amazing!

Ted Cruz! D.J.T. Jr.!

Welcome to Grill Fest 2018!

This one here

is a Burnmaster 6700
Genesis Natural Gas Grill.

Pretty snazzy, huh?

A week ago, I would have
kicked this over,

picked up the ruined food,

and chucked it
into the nearest pool,

but I like who I am
when I stand over this grill.

It's yours.

-What?
-Heard that right!

We all chipped in
and got it for you!

-Achee-boo!
-Ooh!

-Yeah! Go, Don!
-Yeah!

Actually, those are my car keys.
I'm gonna need those back!

How much did this beast
set you back?

That's the great part.

The tag said $899,
but mail in the rebate...

[all] With proof of purchase
and receive $300 back...

plus 30% discount
off all Burnmaster-brand

grilling accessories
and supplies!

Oh, my God.

How do I know all this stuff
about rebates and crap?

How does a baby know
that capitalism has no downside?

At a certain age,
you just know.

melancholy music

You've really
grown up fast, Don.

As a reward, I'll let you
hang around my commercial shoot

and ask the crew boring
questions about their equipment.

It's good to be back, Dad.

Hey, is that
a DSLR Multi-zoom?

[director] No. And get out
of the frame. We're rolling.

[announcer]
And now a message

from the President
of the United States.

[whimsical music
playing over speakers]

[mechanical whirring]

Good evening, my fellow
elderly Americans.

The world's moving
pretty fast, huh?

Sinatra's gone, and now
all of our farmers

wear tight pants
and kiss each other.

Remember when movies used
to have the milkman in them?

That time doesn't have to end.

I will sign Republican
legislation allowing you

to write your next five election
votes into your will.

When you die, your stranglehold
on American culture

shouldn't die with you.

See you at the Iowa State Fair!

♪♪♪

Being old is great!

Mumbling 24/7,

letting my toenails gnarl,

my racist epithets finally
being considered endearing.

Speaking of good news,
you're a cover boy!

Are you talking about these?

I just had Stephen Miller
mock those up.

I'm not actually on the cover
of Handsome Cool Guy.

No. AARP Magazine.

AARP.

Is that the
Association of Awesome,

Right-All-the-Time Presidents?

No. It's the trade magazine

for the American Association
of Retired Persons.

[mechanical whirring]

Sir, are you okay?

[whirring continues]

Sarah, can I see you
in my office, please?

The oval one.

This looks nothing like me.

Sir, y-you're beautiful
and youthful,

while the person on that cover
looks like a crypt keeper.

No one can see this.

Have the National Guard
de-eyeball all retirees.

I'm afraid they're busy keeping
engineers out of Puerto Rico.

But if it's any consolation,
our party has already made it

so that no one
can retire ever again.

[man] Yeah, you're
just gonna want to

line up the floorboard
right there.

Make sure you got a nice,
tight seam between them.

[ringtone plays]
This is Donathan Jr.

How can I help you?

[slurring] Hey.
It's Hope Hicks.

We're getting bottle service
at Ultra Bar,

and we need a black Amex
and some boys' laps to sit in!

Wanna come?!

You know, I'd like to, Hope,
but to be honest,

I have some touch-ups to do
on my crown molding.

Ugh, you suck. You loser!
[line disconnects]

Don, have you
noticed something?

Yeah. The floors here
are a little uneven.

If we rent a sander
and a shop vac,

we can smooth it out
over the long weekend.

There's something
you need to hear.

[Don Jr.] You know,
if you take the highway,

it feels like you're getting
there quicker,

but if you take Douglas
and hit the lights right,

you can shave a good three
or four minutes off your ride.

Who is that?
He's boring as shit!

-Don't you see, Don? That's you.
-No, it's not.

If it was me, then why didn't
I say my entire name clearly?

Hey, I saw the ad in the back
of American Collector

about the Joe Montana
rookie card.

My name is Donald Trump, Jr.

[door opens]

Don, we're heading over
to the car show.

No. Don't come near me!

What are you talking about, Don?
It was your idea.

dramatic music

[President Trump] The AARP cover
is a disaster for my image.

I want the world to see me
as I see myself --

a young, shirtless cowboy
dancing on a bar.

Say no more, sir.

I, posing as Melania,

will plant a story
in the New York Post

saying you give her
the best sex she's ever had.

You're gonna play Melania?

I played all the female roles

in my off-high school
production of Little Women.

I sweat so much
from all the costume changes

that I actually did pass out
during Beth's death scene.

Then I did the final number,
The Women Are Big Now,

and the next day,
I took this job.

[dialing, line rings]
[man] Page Six.

Hello. It's First Lady
Melania Trump.

I'd like to report some sex.

I never thought
it could happen to me.

There I was, picking apples
from a verdant tree,

when I heard a rustle
in the brush.

I turned to see
Donald J. Trump,

his masculinity in full bloom,

wearing nothing but a layer
of scarab beetles.

[sighs] Is this Stephen Miller?

Nay! I'm First Lady

and will have you arrested
for your insolence!

Guards, take him away!

[line disconnects, dial tone]

I think it worked!

[grunting]

[mechanical whirring]

Ow!

Thanks a lot, Dad.

I tried to grow up,
and then I did and it sucked.

I didn't tell you
to do that.

I just threatened to withhold
my love until you did.

I don't want to be the guy
who shops at auto-part stores.

I'm the guy who takes a leak on
the side of the auto parts store

because he drank
too much Nesquik.

How do you think I feel?
People see me as old

even though, at the White House
kids' Easter pageant,

I won the award
for Most Candy.

Mr. President,
we need to talk.

Sir, according
to polls,

you're not gaining
elderly voters

as quickly
as they're dying.

And during polling, they
often die from the euphoria

of someone finally
asking for their opinion.

Someone pull Dr. Ronny

out of whatever elevator shaft
he's passed out in

and tell him he needs
to keep every human being alive

until November.

Dr. Ronny is trapped
on a barge

off the coast of Tijuana.

-Don't ask.
-Oh, crap.

Well, at least if I lose
the midterms and get impeached,

there'll always be a place
for me in my real home --

television.

[cellphone dings]
Good news, sir.

You've just been
offered a talk show

on a Cape Coral, Florida-based
hotel TV network.

Ugh.
[whirring stops]

Just call Bret Michaels
and tell him he's my bandleader.

dramatic music

[mechanical whirring]

Oh, my God.

A bullhorn with fresh batteries.

I think I can get it.

[mechanical whirring]

[whirring stops]

[gears grinding]

[straining]

Melania!

Melania!

Once again, the voice
of the old goes unheard.

I bet I can't even
disrupt the world order

with a single tweet anymore.

[cellphone chirps]

[siren wailing in distance]

At least that still works.

[line ringing]

Ugh, this gas is giving me
such a headache.

[slurring]
Hey, Hope Hicks here! What?!

[chuckling] Hey, Hope,
you up to anything tonight?

Uh, partying at a rooftop bar
with a bunch of other hotties.

We're all sprawled out
three to a papasan chair

and screeching at each other.

Usual Tuesday.

Nice. I'll come meet you.

Ooh, it's not really
a middle-aged-man thing.

Oh. Th-That's cool.

I'm actually going
to a party at Seth...

Burnmaster's house.

Is Corey there?

Corey Lewandowski?

I thought you
were over that guy.

I thought I was, too.

If you see him [voice breaking]
don't tell him that I love him

and I'm really sorry
how things ended --

-Okay, bye!
-Whatever.

Have fun with the Burnmasters,
also known as your grill.

I'm not an idiot!

[line disconnects]
Ugh! I hate her!

melancholy music

Why are you here?

And why does it smell like
carcinogens and blueberries?

Being middle-aged sucks!

I retreat to
the Situation Room

to quietly and maturely
inhale propane fumes,

and I get kicked out
by my dad's butler!

So, I see you've ditched
the whole growing-up thing.

It just doesn't feel right.

Did you know Pittsburgh Paints
doesn't even have a tequila bar?

Of course it doesn't feel right.
Growing up sucks.

But you do it anyway because
time leaves you no choice.

Why do you think
I joined the military?

It's like going
to camp every day.

[President Trump, in distance]
Help! Help!

I'm stuck in my stairlift!

I found you just in time.

Thank God Noam and Chadwicke's
advertising company went under

and they pivoted to Work Hard,
Play Hard Stairlift Repair.

Don, my life peaked in 1989,

when I graced the cover
of every major magazine.

Now I'm nothing more

than a Diet Coke-to-urine
processing vessel.

It's true, Dad.

You were at
your most successful

and most desirable
in the '80s,

and since then, you haven't
changed your speaking style,

your attitude,
or your reading level,

but that's a good thing.

What do you mean?

You know that
growing up sucks ass,

so you live in the past.

When Americans voted
to Make America Great Again,

they didn't vote
for the future.

They voted for the past

and the one man
who can drag them back there.

You're right, Don.

And when I give that speech
at the Iowa State Fair,

I want you there
with me because --

I can't. I have to browse
riding mowers with Paul Ryan.

Paul Ryan sucks.

Wow. I really
needed to hear that.

Now I just gotta figure out
how to do the impossible --

climb two stairs.

While I dramatically
straighten out my script,

let's talk about
the Iowa State Fair.

As Pericles stood
before the masses

in the Athenian City-State,

so do modern
presidential candidates,

only before butter cows,
corn dogs, and eager voters.

We go live now
to President Trump,

whose party has shown
no pulse among young people

and a weakening pulse
among the elderly.

Come on, Dad, if you don't
get up those stairs,

these people will vote the way
their grandkids beg them to.

Don, I'll never make it.

Stevie's almost finished
his warm-up,

and I still have
two stairs to climb.

Just as Jo March was destined
to live a literary life

in Little Women,

your destiny
is Republicanism!

Now please give a red-hot
welcome to your president,

Donald Trump!
[cheers and applause]

Don, lift me up
with your knees!

The mature Don would have
lifted with his knees.

But the real Don
lifts with his back.

Hraah!
[bones crack]

Crap! My back!
Jesus!

Dad, you're on your own.

If you don't walk up
those two steps

and lock down those voters,

the Democrats
will win the midterms

and all these felonies
we committed

will have been for nothing.

dramatic music

[groaning]

[cheers and applause]

[President Trump]
My fellow Americans,

I wanted to appeal
to old people by acting old,

but then I realized the best way
to appeal to old people

is to turn back the clock

to whichever past
we enjoyed the most.

Whether it's when it was illegal
for women to be psychiatrists

or when you could slap
other people's kids at the mall,

I'm bringing back
that past for you.

Let the rest of the world
have the future.

Refusing to move forward
is the American way,

and that's why I refuse
to climb those stairs!

[man] Where are you
right now?

[President Trump] It's what
this country's about --

not changing who you are,

choosing death
over reading a book,

and appointing judges
who think The Handmaid's Tale

is a heartwarming family sitcom,

and eating deep-fried
sticks of butter

like our hearts
will never explode.

[cheers and applause]

[munching]

Now go vote for the past
despite its glaring flaws,

and Make America Great Agai--

[bodies thud]
[crowd gasps]

Just lost two in front.

Let the stretchers through!

whimsical music

Yeah, yeah, so, I'm pretty sure
I'm gonna lose the midterms.

Yeah, that's why
I'm taking off.

Might go work at Lowe's.
Good benefits over there.

They got a 401(k) with,
like, a three percent return.

Plus, they have that 15%
employee discount

on potting soil.

Wow. I can't understand

why you guys just don't walk
in front of a bus every day.

It's great
to have you back, Don!

He's not going anywhere,
and neither am I --

once I stack the Supreme Court
with NASCAR flag girls.

Hey, Eric, bet I can chug a beer
while doing a handstand

on this grill.
Hoist me!

[Ryan] Careful.
You'll burn your hands.

[President Trump]
Never tell my son

not to do
something stupid again.

[Don Jr.]
One, two, three, hoist!

[sizzling]
Ohh-oh!

['80s-style pop music plays]

Donald Trump
is the president

Donald Trump
is the president

Is Donald Trump
the president?

Yes, he is

Yes, he is,
we elected him president

Is Donald Trump
the president?

Yes, he is

We had a vote
and elected him president

Donald Trump
is the president

Donald Trump

He is our president

We made him president

We did it

Donald Trump
is the president

We elected Donald Trump

Donald Trump
is the president

Donald Trump
is the president

Yeah

Trump!

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