All language subtitles for Our Cartoon President s01e12 Family

I just had an incredible,
two-hour, private,

not-suspicious-at-all meeting
with President Putin.

We had a vibrant
conversation of me

telling him exactly
what to say and do.

To cover my keister,
all the words I'm about to say

can be swapped out later
for other words.

"Would" could
become "wooden."

"Collude" could
become "colada."

How am I doing?
Am I getting it right?

I feel like I'm doing
really well.

Yeah, you're doing great.
Just shut up.

Let's get to the ceremonial
exchange of hats.

Actually, I think I dreamt that.
Questions?

[reporter]
In your meeting with Putin,

did you confront him about
the meddling accusations?

Yes, and he said
he didn't do it,

and the only thing
stronger

than the best intelligence
apparatus in the world

is a murderous dictator's word.
How was that one?

You're doing great.
I believe in you!

[reporter] President Putin, do
you have any blackmail material

on President Trump?

Um, this guy?
Are you kidding me?

He's as clean
as a Moscow hotel's

freshly bleached
bedsheets.

[reporter] Mr. President,
does your goodwill toward Putin

explain your brash behavior
toward our NATO allies?

I'm gonna break
a little news here --

Putin and I are
starting our own NATO.

What?

It's gonna be called
"Cool NATO."

It's gonna be me, Putin,
Kim Jong-un, Papa John.

Nope, nope, wrong.

Our symbol is
an octopus with fangs.

I didn't tell him to do this.
I don't know what he's doing!

[reporter] President Putin, will
you extradite the indicted

Russian hackers
to the United States?

Putin has
graciously invited

Robert Mueller's
entire team to Russia.

Muller doesn't
have to do the dishes,

worry about why his meals
are glowing in the dark.

He's on vacation.

Oh, look at him.

He's a big boy at the
big press conference

Doing everything
that the Putin wants

Mwah! Mwah!

I got a question -- where is
Hillary Clinton's server?!

That thing's been
off the grid for months!

It's probably sipping cheap rum
on some Mexican beach,

answering to
the name "Dusty."

Okay. Here's a gift from
the former World Cup host

to the
2026 World Cup host.

Pelé was best man
at my wedding!

That is a weird lie.

This is great!
Happy birthday, Melania!

Whoa! Close one!

Nice try.
Out of shoes.

Aah! Third shoe?!

Okay. I feel
I had it coming on.

Thanks, everyone.

That went so good.

I was worried I would come off
looking weak at this thing.

♪♪♪

Ahh! Ha-ha!

[smooches]

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

[Maddow] Robert Mueller is
investigating President Trump

for obstruction of justice

and changing the
post-World War II order

to build a hotel in Moscow.

[President Trump]
Fake news!

[Cooper] Melania Trump
has reportedly moved out

due to a newfound aversion

to large men
screaming at televisions.

[President Trump]
Fake news.

Deliver me Anderson Cooper

and Rachel Maddow's
beating hearts

and receive
10,000 Fox News Bucks!

I'm trying, Sean!

Don't listen to what anyone
says about Donald and Melania!

Compared to them,
JFK and Jackie

were two bus-stop winos
barfing on each other!

We really got something
special, right, Melania?

Nobody's seen Melania
in days.

Anyhoo, what did you
dream about, honey?

Traveling around the world
without Donald,

I've never felt so free.

I just wish the plane wasn't
being flown by his former caddy.

[captain] This is
your captain speaking.

Holy crap. We are
definitely flying a plane.

Plus, the only thing
for me back home

is the latest report
of Donald's infidelity.

Actually, I've got the
latest report right here.

Michael Cohen started
an $18-million dollar

"scholarship fund" for a woman
studying elevator handjobs.

You know what? Don't even
tell me about these anymore.

I just want to hear the gentle
hum of an airplane in flight.

[rumbling ]
Uh, uh, that's normal, right?

[cellphone text chime]
-Holy mother of God.

-What. Does. It. Say?

Uh, uh,
what does what say?

[sighs] Your phone.
It dinged.

No. I dinged.

Uh, ding-ding.
I'm Sarah.

-Sarah.
-It's probably nothing,

but a Ukrainian stripper

threatening to
release a sex tape

was just named
the primary beneficiary

of your husband's will.
[groans]

This is just like
carrying golf clubs.

This is just like
carrying golf clubs.

♪♪♪

[McConnell]
A $100-million-dollar donation

from a casino mogul is nice,

but it's these grassroot
$40,000-a-plate fundraisers

that will win us the midterms.

Now say hello
to the one that got away,

Utah Senate candidate
Mitt Romney.

Hello, Mitt!

Great to be here with
my beautiful wife, Ann,

our four handsome sons,
and our other son, Ben.

They have an Eric, too!

Tagg,
speak for the bunch.

After dinner, we're gonna
pick up all the rubbish.

Look at those dorks!

I bet they've never even
electrocuted their nads

trying to steal
a barbershop pole.

[Mitt Romney]
And thank you, Donald Trump.

Haven't seen you since
that dinner where you told me

I'd definitely be
Secretary of State.

I sold my house at a loss,
showed up on my first day,

and there was Rex Tillerson
in my chair.

Hello! You forgot
I had Stephen Miller

drive your moving truck
into the Potomac.

You don't forget the
sight of ten dogs floating to the surface.

Wow! So great
to be with you all

supporting Mitt's
consolation prize.

Melania really wanted
to be here,

but she's at Stanford
defending her dissertation.

In her stead,
I brought my beautiful boys.

Don keeps trying to trick me
into saying "twat"!

Dad! Eric won't let me
flick his bee sting!

A bee died so I could
flick this, Eric.

This is my bee sting, and I
don't want you to touch it!

Why did I hide a beehive
in your bedroom if I --

Stop it! That isn't --
[growling]

Great fundraiser,
though the chocolate fountain

could've had
more horsepower.

Sir, by the end
of the fundraiser,

Eric's nose had bled all over
the CEO of Home Depot.

And where is Melania?

She just needed
a little space,

so we decided to sleep
in different hemispheres.

[Bolton] You might want
to tell her to get out

of that side
of the planet,

I'm about to make Earth
into a semicircle.

We only bring this up
because Mitt Romney

disinvited you from his
major rally next week,

and other family-values
candidates followed suit.

I love family. That's why
I've turned each Mexican family

into three little families --
so we have even more.

Meeting over. I won.

[Sanders] Are you sure
this will work?

It's a tactic I learned
while storming Tikrit.

Oh, who am I kidding?
It's from "The Parent Trap."

I'm back, Sarah. Now,
where's this pill you mentioned

that makes me think
I spent the last 15 years

floating in a wave pool?

Kelly, got your text.

Now, where are those
doughnut crumbs you saw?

♪♪♪

The secret's out that
you're heading for divorce,

and it's bad
for business.

You need to project
the image of a stable,

porn-star-free
household.

I don't want
to live with him!

Every day is a
Hell-Chernobyl cocktail.

I don't want
to live with her!

She won't let Sean Hannity
sleep over!

We were gonna use an Ouija
board to talk to Roger Ailes!

That would be fine if not for
the threat of the Democrats

sweeping the midterms,
impeaching you,

and potentially putting you,
Don Jr., and Jared in jail.

Jail's great! Wait.
I'm thinking of St. Barts.

Sir, this is
deadly serious.

Mr. President, why are
you licking the table?

You said there'd be
doughnut crumbs,

and I thought they
might be really tiny.

[Melania]
They look so perfect.

That's because they don't
make portraits of presidents

porking a mob boss's
cigarette girl.

A Kennedy had an affair?
We gotta tell someone!

Everyone knows.
Even Jackie did.

But they held it together
even when one of the women

did a highly credible media
blitz with Michael Avenatti.

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

Make America Snap into
a Slim Jim Again! Oh, yeah!

We want to be
just like the Kennedys,

but even more skeptical
of desegregation.

We're not asking
for perfection.

We just want you
to stand on stage

and not push
each other off it.

♪♪♪

Here's Mitch McConnell's
phone number.

He'll know what to do.

Let's become
the greatest first couple

in presidential histor--

Shut up
and dial the number!

♪♪♪

To help you find your path

in the Byzantine labyrinth
that is Washington marriages,

I will set you up
on two fun double dates.

Last double date,
he ordered off the kids menu

then took a fake phone call
from Troy Aikman.

Take this. It helps me
through tough times.

What the hell
is that, Mitch?

Oh, crap. I...

I meant to hand you
the psalm about bravery.

But keep the photo.
I'm not ashamed of my body.

♪♪♪

Boys, it's no secret
that my latest wife and I

are going through a bit
of a rough marriage.

Don and I are bad boys!

And that's why you
and Malala split up!

He's right. No one
can maintain a relationship

when their sons are constantly
attempting aquarium arson.

In these situations,
kids always blame themselves,

and it's never
their fault,

but in this case,
it absolutely is.

I need you boys
to shape up.

Make this as easy as possible
on Mommy and Daddy.

Eric, I hate to do this,

but I think we gotta
return those flares

and reschedule tonight's trip
to the aquarium.

But the blowfish burn brightest
when they're ovulating!

Oh, you don't think
I know that?!

I was the one that taught you
when blowfish ovulate, Eric!

We do this for Dad!

[President Trump] Hillary. Bill.
Glad you found the place.

They give you any trouble
at the door?

'Cause I told them to give
you trouble at the door.

It was a little hard
to get in

with all the subpoenas
piled up.

Yeah, whenever
Mueller knocks,

we just pretend we're
a bunch of dogs in here.

-[pounding on door]
-[barks] I am the dog!

[Bill] Let's get this over with
so Hillary can get back

to pretending like
she still lives here.

The key to
a Washington marriage

is blindly ignoring
each other's flaws.

Me, for example,
I look past Hillary's thirst

for the blood
of a virgin mega-donor.

Aww. And I look past his
criminally poor impulse control.

I should be in jail.

That seems pretty good.
Right, honey?

And what do I
get out of it?

You get to suckle at the
teat of power for decades

and someday you, too,
could lose the presidency

to a dangerous and demonstrably
unqualified candidate.

Time to go shotgun
a bottle of Cabernet.

Dad says we're gonna
ruin the election

if we don't act
like good boys.

So what's your secret, Tagg?
You can tell me.

Romney boys follow
two simple rules --

finish each day with
a bucket of hot milk

and always do what
Phil Mickelson would do.

Dude, you're gonna have to
translate that into genius

so I can understand it.

Here. Let's try
some role-play.

I'll be the maître d'
at a bustling bistro.

[clears throat]

Sir, the wait time for
a table is 30 minutes.

Give me the fucking table,
or get me your manager!

Whoa! Time out!

Hello. What seems
to be the problem?

My dad is President, and
you can't get me a table.

I'm terribly sorry, sir.

Right this way!

Thank you!

So, how long have you been
in the food-service industry?

Since we opened! My father,
Diablo, was a sous-chef.

♪♪♪

Time to get marriage advice
from two people who look like

their house is covered
in hamster tubes!

We hope you choose
to follow our example

and live like you're the married
dolls in a child's imagination.

I wear Velcro pants,
and, every once in a while,

a little girl
gives me a haircut.

Don't you get bored
with monogamy?

What do you brag about when
you call into Howard Stern?

I brag about how Karen
keeps my dinner warm

the same way a hen
keeps her eggs warm.

So Mike never forgets me,
I paste a big picture of my face

over every page of his
Homeland Security briefings.

Now every time
I think of genocide,

I think of
my beautiful wife.

♪♪♪

If you want to keep
Daddy's marriage together,

you have to be good boys.

I'm already a good boy,
but it didn't happen overnight.

Yeah, it took a lot

of manufacturing
of her personality,

to the point
where she's unknowable

to herself
and her husband.

Right! I find that if you're
wearing the right outfit,

everything falls
into place from there.

Joining me now,
Don Jr. and Eric Trump,

who I assume are here

to sniff out my greatest fears
and exploit them,

which is why I have mace.

Thanks for having us
in your lovely home.

How do you respond to evidence
that your father's campaign

actively colluded
with the Russians?

I, for one, am enthralled by
your journalistic acumen.

Our spokesm--
Excuse me.

spokesperson will get
right back to you on that.

I'm sorry. Why isn't Eric
biting down on my forearm?

Why isn't Don Jr.
gas-pedaling my crotch?

Why would we, humble chimney
sweeps dressed as sailors,

disrespect a world-class
news analyst?

Unh! Can you tell us
what's going on

with your father
and Melania?

Father and his
special friend, Melania,

are happier than
a sunshine sandwich, Anderson,

and it's because we are
being such very good boys.

I don't know what the hell
you two are up to, but...

Where did you get those?

I ate all
my green beans.

-[sighs] That's it.
-AAH!

♪♪♪

It's been so long since
we had a nice dinner

to bitch about other people
behind their backs.

The Pences were crazy.

Did you notice that when
Mike left the table,

Karen went to sleep?

The Clintons
are just as silly.

Bill gave me that
weird Teddy bear

with a blinking red light
to put on my nightstand.

Melania, I know
things have been tough

for the entirety
of our relationship,

but remember
what we made together?

Ohh, it's our
prenuptial agreement!

Remember when I said
$13 million dollars

and you said
$15 million dollars...

[both] And then we both said
"14" in unison.

It was perfect.

Sorry.
Muscle memory.

♪♪♪

Time to show America
that their mommy and daddy

are truly happy
together.

Just like John and Jackie.
Minus the barbiturates.

[announcer]
You're watching Fox News.

And now, "The First Family:
a Modern Day Camelot."

Here's your host,
Sean-athan Hannity.

The White House.
It's the executive office

of the President
of the United States!

But to Donald and Melania Trump,
it's home.

♪♪♪

So, yeah,
this is my office.

Oh, you couldn't get
the corner office, huh?

[all laugh]

[Hannity] We then ventured
to the living room.

Yeah, at night, we just veg
on the couch, watch HGTV,

maybe binge
Lou Dobbs' "Moneyline."

And, uh,
who gets the remote?

He's a bit
of a control freak!

[Hannity] And then we
ventured to the bedroom.

Okay, I gotta ask.
Does he snore?

I don't know because
I sleep down the hall.

He had sex with a porn star
while I was nursing.

Plus, his body is a 300-pound
clanking steam radiator.

Now that I'm hearing this,

I'm realizing only perverts
would share the same bed.

I feel like I just watched
our wedding video.

Minus your first dance
with the cake.

[indistinct conversations]

Great news, Mom and Dad --

Oh, I mean, uh,
Melania and Dad.

Mitt Romney
has re-invited you

to speak at his rally
on Saturday.

He's globalist scum,
but, boy,

does Utah have
a prime ethnic breakdown.

You know, Melania and I
are not very political,

so we won't tell you
who to vote for.

We just want you to vote.

I believe that

all Americans' voices
should be heard.

[applause]

I'm gonna keep doing
the speech.

-Is that okay, honeybear?
-Yes.

See you when you're done,
pookiehead.

Okay, bye.

All rapists are Mexican!

[announcer] Welcome to the
Championships at Wimbledon.

Today,
the Gentlemen's Singles Finals,

sponsored by
Sir Humphrey's Doormats.

Wipe your feet
Sir Humphrey's way.

Who knew that being good boys
would get us invites

to such prestigious events
with such appetizing grass?

[judge] Match point.

Quiet, please.

Play.

[ball thumps]

[whispering]
Holy crap, Eric.

Everyone is so quiet.

[whispering] Don, I see
that glint in your eye.

Don't scream "ass."

But it's who I am.
It's in my DNA.

-Ass.
-Don, no.

We're being good boys
so that Mom and Dad

will stay together
until the 2018 midterms, man!

Ass. Ass.

Don, don't say "ass"!

[crowd gasps]

The match has been
rendered invalid.

We now invite everyone
to emphatically utter criticisms

at the American President's
sons.

[British fan] Aww, these tossers
is dodgy blokes, eh?

Nice going, Eric. Now
no one can hear me scream "ass"!

Ass! Ass!

Wow, Melania,
that was really fun.

-It's just -- Oh, never mind.
-I just --

Remember when you chimed in
during the rally?

You kind of turned it
into the Melania Show.

All I said was, "I believe

that all Americans' voices
should be heard."

And the only reason
I chimed in was because

you wanted to pretend
the podium was a tractor.

Okay, you're
clearly hysterical.

Forget it.
I'm over it.

Fine.
I'm also over it.

Over what? I've already
forgotten all about --

"I'm Melania.
This is all about me.

I believe blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah."

Let's get some questions,

like, "Who thought a campaign
called Be Best was a good idea?"

"I am Donald Trump,
and I am a human trash barge."

-Shut up!
-No, you shut up!

-I am not trash barge!
-No, you shut up! This is so --

After that, President Trump

ran away with Melania's umbrella
in a hailstorm,

and Melania dangled the ladder
to Marine One

just out
of the President's reach...

When we come back, presidential
historian Michael Beschloss

on the history of First Couples
publicly engaging

in escalating slights
and humiliations.

♪♪♪

[sighs] We're sorry we were such
bad boys at Wimbledon, Dad.

Too late. For a probationary
period, you're no longer Trumps.

Sure, Dad, but what name
will they call out

at the podiatrist's office?

Your new last name is
"Johnson."

Eric Johnson, you own a small
chain of hair salons in Delaware

called "Eric's Hair Repair
Haircare by Eric."

Don Jr. Johnson, you live
in a studio in Coral Gables,

and twice a month,
you have "wine night"

with your landlady,
Tanya Navarro.

Now go live your lives.

Don't worry, Eric.
We'll fix this.

Johnsons
always find a way!

[clicks]

Melania, I noticed you've been
walking around the house

with movers,
cursing my name,

and tearfully saying goodbye
to the staff.

-Is something up?
-I'm leaving you.

Oh, so you're doing
that trip to Brussels?

Just bring me back
some chocolate, waffles,

whatever you can fit
into the fuselage.

No, I'm leaving you
forever.

Spending every waking moment
together doesn't work.

Our whole thing is that we spend
every waking moment apart.

Hold on.
Where is this coming from?

I'm serious.

You're just not the same
badly dressed racist slumlord

-that I fell in love with.
-Really?

So one mistake,
and you jump ship?

How many empty promises
do I have to make to keep you?

At least
bring me back a toy!

♪♪♪

Don't worry --
I've been through two breakups,

and I came out fine.

The first one turned out to be
an Apple Care chatbot

who friend-zoned me.

The second one,
we were madly in love,

but I broke it off to come
to this drinks thing with you.

God, I can't believe
I lost my marriage.

Do you know how unattractive
that's gonna make me

to the women
I was sleeping with?

What do you say we hop online
and find you a nice child-bride?

You'll feel better once
we co-sign a five-year lease

for a one bedroom, half-bath
with an outdoor common area

where they serve free bagels
every Saturday.

That sounds miserable.

What kind of bagels
we talking here? Bialys?

♪♪♪

You know,
I got divorced once,

and, sure, now I'm doomed
to an eternity of hellfire,

but it led me to my Michael.

Donald is a complicated man,
Melania.

One moment, he's channeling
the Lord's wishes

through his Muslim ban --

the next, he's sharing a bed
with the star of "Love Fest"

or whatever these porno movies
are called.

"Indiana Ass
and The Ass Crusade."

[doorbell rings]

I invited over a friend
from work.

Do you know James Mattis?

He's old and has
a speech impediment.

I think you'll
like him!

[President Trump]
Me and Melania are on the outs,

so I'm going for more
of a divorced dad vibe.

Lot of conversations
with one leg up on a chair,

crotch too close
to your face.

[motorbike engine revs,
rumbling]

Don, why aren't you
in Coral Gables?

The stewardess said
my dirt bike

wouldn't fit
in the overhead bin,

but she didn't even try.

he trick is to put yourself
in the overhead bin

and give
your motorbike the seat.

We're having a meeting.

I don't "meet."
I just "am."

I am Ben.

He's having
a little trouble processing

what Mommy and Daddy
are going through.

Dr. Perlsteen says
it's just a phase.

It's not a phase!

And tell Dr. Perlsteen
to stop making me

draw pictures
of my feelings!

Why can't you and Mom-lania
just get back together?

Don't bother.

You've been disinvited
from the Mitt Romney rally.

Your separation has
made you politically toxic.

Somebody get me
a piece of paper and a crayon!

Now!

Do I hear wedding bells?

Reminds me of us
on our first date,

except my other mother
isn't here.

Well, usually after work,
I go home,

sit on an itchy brown couch,
and stare into space.

Y-You should come over
sometime.

What's your favorite
Hungry-Man entrée?

That sounds miserable.

Well,
not if you love sodium.

[sighs] Thank you, Mattis,
for showing me

what the dating options are
for a woman over 40.

I know I live five miles away,
but mind if I splice your cable?

[news anchor] Mitt Romney
holding his largest rally yet

while rumors percolate
that Donald and Melania Trump

will soon announce a divorce.

Will the country fall into
disarray without the steady hand

or whatever
of our First Lady?

You owe me big for this.

I think announcing our divorce
at the Romney rally

will really piss off
that Mormon.

So...how have you been?

Really good, actually.

I've already met someone.

Do you know Secretary of Defense
James Mattis?

Yeah, I know him.
He's in my Cabinet.

I guess you could say
I'm his boss.

Just know he gets around.

And how are you?

Oh, you know.
Still doing the president thing.

Got my eyes
on a few prospects.

Secretary of Transportation
Elaine Chao's

looking good these days.

She's married to McConnell,
but come on.

Boys, if the Trumps
come anywhere near here,

neutralize them
the Romney way --

compliment their sweaters until
they get bored and walk away.

Compliment their sweaters
until they walk away.

Compliment their sweaters
until they walk away.

Compliment their sweaters
until they walk away.

You're doing great, Ben.

[engine roars]

♪♪♪

[captain]
Holy crap, I landed the plane.

So, you ready to do this?

Yes. God, yes, I am.

Dad, Mo Rocca,
don't do it!

I was just drawing a picture of
my anger, and I realized that,

between dealing
with my own divorce

and starting
a motorbike-friendly airline,

I need some stability
in my life.

And this is no time
to alienate your base.

Wow, you guys are
being good boys.

You're looking out
for your dad.

Eric, stop looking at me.
I'm looking at you.

You know, Donald Trump
may have endorsed me,

but his family values
are not Romney family values.

Sure, we Romney types
have strong urges to fornicate

with porn stars,
and our whole life feels like

a soda bottle shaken up
and dropped off a ledge,

and, one day,
the bottle will go kaboom,

and you'll read about
some pretty disgusting stuff

in the Sunday paper,
but we'll deal with that then.

Hello, Mr. President.
[gasps] Nice sweater.

I'm not wearing
a sweater.

Darn it!

Take a hike, Mitt.

Melania and I have
an announcement.

Sorry, this stage

is for respectable
American families only.

What in the name of Sandra Oh
is that?!

Boys, avert your eyes!

So, we came here tonight
to announce

that we're Splitsville...

but that's
not going to happen.

The American people
elected a husband and wife

who are happiest when
not spending time together,

just like you.

How many of you drive home
from work,

then spend 45 minutes
idling halfway down the block

to avoid going inside?

We all have
shitty marriages.

[gasps]
Just like Jackie O!

So, like her, I will make it
work for our nation.

Melania, what do you say?

Will you remain married
to me on paper only?

Sure, whatever!
[cheers and applause]

She's in love, people.

I didn't say that,
no, no, no!

[Hannity] The Obamas.
They shared the same bed.

We can't...
Got another rally tomorrow.

Now that
we're not separating,

everybody and their conservative
mother is on my jock.

That's fine.

I have a facial booked at 3 p.m.
in Seoul, South Korea.

All right, I'm off to
my bedroom down the hall.

-Good night, sweetie.
-Good night, Donald.

[door closes]

[pounding on door]
Melania!

What channel is Fox News?

Twenty-three.
Now shut up!

Melania, I'm thirsty!

Can you get me
some water?

I'm sleeping!

Melania, where do we go
when we die?

I don't care!
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

['80s-style pop music plays]

Donald Trump
is the president

Donald Trump
is the president

Is Donald Trump
the president?

Yes, he is

Yes, he is,
we elected him president

Is Donald Trump
the president?

Yes, he is

We had a vote
and elected him president

Donald Trump
is the president

Donald Trump

He is our president

We made him president

We did it

Donald Trump
is the president

We elected Donald Trump

Donald Trump
is the president

Donald Trump
is the president

Yeah

Trump!

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