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00:00:04,281 --> 00:00:08,003
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Wow. We got great news, folks.
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As you may have heard,
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00:00:12,968 --> 00:00:15,336
Robert Mueller merely
considers me a subject,
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00:00:15,337 --> 00:00:18,572
not a target of his ongoing
criminal investigation.
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00:00:18,573 --> 00:00:20,441
In other words, I'm off the hook!
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So you know what that means!
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00:00:21,909 --> 00:00:25,179
Huge party hostel... hotel!
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00:00:25,180 --> 00:00:28,182
FYI, if an attractive woman
shows up at your room
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00:00:28,183 --> 00:00:30,518
with a Betamax video camera
strapped to her head,
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00:00:30,519 --> 00:00:32,586
it's not the luckiest day of your life.
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00:00:32,587 --> 00:00:34,821
On a more somber note,
we have to talk about
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00:00:34,822 --> 00:00:37,458
the big divorce news
sending shock waves
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00:00:37,459 --> 00:00:38,825
through the Trump family.
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00:00:38,826 --> 00:00:41,461
Channing and Jenna Dewan Tatum
are splits-ville.
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00:00:41,462 --> 00:00:44,164
Don Jr., would you like to say
a few words about the Tatums?
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00:00:44,165 --> 00:00:46,767
- No, Dad!
- He's really broken up about it.
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00:00:46,768 --> 00:00:50,270
Anyway, big announcement about
our new national security advisor.
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He's been called the
"Cruise Missile Crusader"
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00:00:53,141 --> 00:00:57,109
by 137 Sinclair news anchors
speaking in unison.
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Mr. John Bolton!
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Our nation's future is so bright,
[applause]
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00:01:03,150 --> 00:01:05,652
we'll have to shield our eyes
from the blast wave!
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00:01:05,653 --> 00:01:08,521
Now, everyone's nervous John
Bolton will make the Earth's
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00:01:08,522 --> 00:01:11,390
surface as empty as Laura
Ingraham's commercial breaks,
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00:01:11,391 --> 00:01:14,026
but John promises
he won't wage a war
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until he's bombed the hell
out of Amazon's headquarters.
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But enough about me
soft-launching a military strike
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within my own country.
Uh-oh! Somebody find Bolton.
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He looks like he should be
wearing a sleeping cap
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and blowing a feather in the air
every time he snores.
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[beep]
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Good evening, my fellow Americans.
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By the power vested in me, your
new national security advisor,
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I declare our country at war, again.
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"But who are we at war with?" you ask.
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Why box ourselves in
by declaring a single enemy?
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Imagine a world
where there is no world.
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The only mistake we made in Iraq
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is we went to war
for a made-up reason.
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When I take our country to war,
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I will provide no reason whatsoever!
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That's why I want to introduce
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my seven-point plan to
eradicate all seven continents.
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John... what are you doing?
[beeping]
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00:02:05,877 --> 00:02:07,945
[groans]
It's not a nuclear button, John.
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00:02:07,946 --> 00:02:10,180
It's to get Lou Dobbs on
speakerphone. [phone ringing]
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[Lou Dobbs] Hello? Hello?
T-This is Dobbsie.
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00:02:12,351 --> 00:02:15,162
1x10 - First Pitch
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"DENT." "SERP."
I can read.
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[music]
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[President Trump]
Because he's going bye-bye!
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I'm very proud to present
H.R. McMaster,
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our National Security Advisor
or Secretary of Defense ... not sure ...
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00:02:31,636 --> 00:02:33,936
with the National Defense Service Medal
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00:02:33,937 --> 00:02:38,241
for bravery during combat in Iraq.
He'll be happy to know
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we'll be winning the Iraq War
for many, many years to come.
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[applause]
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Hey! I also served in Iraq!
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The media never talks about it.
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I ripped Saddam Hussein out
of that spider hole and said,
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"Knock it off, pinhead!"
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The soldiers voted me Best War Guy.
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I donated my medals to science
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00:02:56,766 --> 00:03:00,202
so they could produce the next
generation of super soldiers.
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[crying] Anyway,
here's your dumb medal!
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[music]
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00:03:06,209 --> 00:03:08,811
The reason I could suplex
Saddam out of that hole
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is I had so much upper-body
strength from my baseball days.
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The Yankees wanted me to play.
Actually, I played for the Yankees,
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00:03:15,318 --> 00:03:17,085
and I would have been a Hall of Famer
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00:03:17,086 --> 00:03:19,287
had I not left
to become a tricep model.
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00:03:19,288 --> 00:03:22,324
Speaking of, Major League
Baseball's Washington Nationals
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have once again asked you
to throw out the first pitch.
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They promise to put security
between you and the Hispanic players.
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It's a tradition that all presidents
honor, so I assume you're a no?
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I'd love to, but, you know,
I might be so good
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that they make me play the whole game,
and I don't have time for that.
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Oh, promise me you'll watch
"Fox & Friends" in slow motion.
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- It's worth every hour.
- I'll happily throw the first pitch.
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Baseball is as American
as America before 1964.
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Or a middle-school textbook
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with a two-sentence paragraph
on the Trail of Tears.
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Or an abstinence-only class
full of pregnant teens.
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00:03:54,656 --> 00:03:57,691
Just tell 'em tossing a ball
recalls a lonely childhood
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defined by an emotionally
distant father.
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Actually, just say my arm is sore.
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[music]
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So, why don't you want to
throw the American baseball?
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[President Trump] I can't rely
on cameras to accurately capture
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how perfect the pitch will be.
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And if it doesn't look perfect,
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my manly image
will be put in jeopardy.
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Where did you put
my tanning cream?
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It's under the sink!
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00:04:16,511 --> 00:04:19,445
But you are the ultimate
example of masculinity!
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Why else would you shout,
"I am enough!" in your sleep every night?
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[hair dryer blowing]
Of course, I am.
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You know, any time I did
something remotely feminine,
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my father would dress me
like a stewardess
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and call me Diane for a year.
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But, hey, it worked!
[gasps]
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00:04:32,826 --> 00:04:35,561
So, this weekend,
are you thinking tennis,
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00:04:35,562 --> 00:04:38,564
or should we have a Nancy Meyers
fest and just pig out?
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[music]
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Mm-kay.
Read my bio back to me.
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"Ivanka Trump. Graduated from
the school her father went to,
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worked for the company
her father started,
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then worked for the
administration her father ran."
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I feel like my inspiring story of
self-reliance just isn't coming through.
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Maybe put back in that
I co-hosted my father's show.
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Honey, stop trying to frame
yourself as a female icon.
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You know, you just
don't have the same story
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as someone like Malala Yousafzai.
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Oh, my God, Jare-head.
Great idea.
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Take Malala's website biography.
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Search "Malala," replace with "Ivanka."
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00:05:13,399 --> 00:05:16,601
Search "head scarf," replace with
"flirty summer dress."
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Search "violent attack,"
replace with "sex appeal."
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O-kay. Here we go...
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"Ivanka is currently enrolled
at the University of Oxford
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where she can be seen around campus
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- wearing her signature flirty summer dress.
- I go, girl!
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In 2012, a mass gunman
boarded Ivanka's school bus
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and asked for her by name
before waging a sex appeal."
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I think that all works.
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Trump is such a poser!
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I mean, the closest
he's gotten to combat
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is when he fought to not have
custody of his children!
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00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:50,734
Hey! Are you guys
talking about me?
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Oh, you know, we're just
laughing about the fog of war.
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You guys think of me
as a guy's guy, right?
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00:05:55,707 --> 00:05:57,574
Someone you fought in a foxhole with,
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00:05:57,575 --> 00:06:00,276
fighting over who gets to eat
the fatty part of the fox?
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00:06:00,277 --> 00:06:02,212
At the risk of being court-martialed,
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I'd like to remind you
that, quite famously,
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you got out of the war
by saying your feet hurt.
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I really wanted to go to war,
but if I did, the war would
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00:06:09,954 --> 00:06:12,422
be over in like 12 hours.
Where's the fun in that?
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00:06:12,423 --> 00:06:14,457
Well, that sort of
comes across as an excuse,
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00:06:14,458 --> 00:06:16,593
and chickening out on the baseball thing
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might make people think twice
about your, uh... masculinity.
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Da-da-da-ba-da!
Don't bring chicken into this.
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They give up their life for this
country, and we need to honor them.
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[music]
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If I'm going to compete with
fierce boss bitches like Malala,
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I need to follow her brand journey.
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Do you know her website
traffic went through the roof
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when she opened that school for girls?
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00:06:38,682 --> 00:06:40,415
[giggles]
Same with Oh-prah.
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00:06:40,416 --> 00:06:42,351
As Vogue's "vows that
make you go wow" documented,
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I love you so much,
but I am just not sure
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you will stick the landing on this.
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00:06:46,623 --> 00:06:48,857
I mean, remember
the Ivanka Cruise Line?
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How was I supposed to know that
people would need water at sea?
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I don't know why I'm
getting in your way here.
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A-At least this act of total self-interest
might inadvertently help people.
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- And direct traffic to my website.
- Right, but mostly help people.
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Find my website and its hot deals.
Join a referral program today!
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00:07:06,508 --> 00:07:09,711
Uh, Mr. President,
have you reconsidered
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00:07:09,712 --> 00:07:11,546
throwing out the first pitch?
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Ehh. Seems sort of beneath
the office of the President.
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Now, get out! Some Disney Channel
kid made fun of me on Twitter.
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- How do you spell "fucktard"?
- I just wanted to let you know
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that this first-pitch thing,
it's not just about you.
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It's about all us heterosexual men.
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When the President guns that
ball into the catcher's mitt,
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it shows the nation that their
leading man is strong, [music]
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that the patriarchy just makes sense.
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That men should decide
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which stores carry
feminine-hygiene products...
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and how deep into the desert
those stores should be located.
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No one embraces this office's
masculinity more than the guy
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who permanently shamed
a woman to get it.
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00:07:45,246 --> 00:07:47,547
And you're overstating
this first-pitch thing.
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- Ronald Reagan never did it.
- Yes, he did.
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All the Presidents did.
Even Jimmy Carter.
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- Three times.
- No! Not puny President Peanut Farmer!
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You tell the
Washington Nationals' catcher
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to wear longer shoes or whatever
those goofy bastards wear
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00:08:02,896 --> 00:08:05,331
because I'm gonna throw
the manliest first pitch
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in Presidential history!
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[music]
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[audience] "Hannity"!
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00:08:13,573 --> 00:08:16,542
Good to be back, patriots.
I spent a long weekend
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00:08:16,543 --> 00:08:18,745
chasing Meryl Streep
with a riding lawn mower.
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00:08:18,746 --> 00:08:21,547
President Trump's first pitch
is one week away,
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00:08:21,548 --> 00:08:23,749
and you can bet
I'll be in the bleachers
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00:08:23,750 --> 00:08:26,885
making the game unbearable
for anybody around me!
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00:08:26,886 --> 00:08:30,522
All right, sir. General Mattis
is 60 feet, 6 inches away.
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00:08:30,523 --> 00:08:32,758
Just like the catcher when
you throw your first pitch.
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00:08:32,759 --> 00:08:35,527
Ohh!
My bones are spurring!
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00:08:35,528 --> 00:08:36,895
Oww!
[groans]
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00:08:36,896 --> 00:08:39,631
- We don't have time to watch you stall.
- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
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00:08:39,632 --> 00:08:43,101
You know how many e-mails you get
when you're running three goddamn wars?
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00:08:43,102 --> 00:08:45,403
Okay, I did it.
It was so fast, you couldn't see it.
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We can see the ball in your hand, sir.
It's covered with yellow icing.
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00:08:48,875 --> 00:08:50,708
Where the hell
did you get yellow icing?!
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00:08:50,709 --> 00:08:52,244
Well, it's none of your business
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00:08:52,245 --> 00:08:54,044
which child's party I stole cake from.
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00:08:54,045 --> 00:08:57,915
Here we go, Mattis.
Have the hand repair man standing by.
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00:08:57,916 --> 00:08:59,817
Yah!
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00:08:59,818 --> 00:09:02,720
The ball freaked out at the
last second, dove for cover,
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00:09:02,721 --> 00:09:05,657
and I'm more masculine
than you even realized!
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00:09:06,258 --> 00:09:08,459
W-Why are you guys staring at me?
206
00:09:08,460 --> 00:09:10,460
Is it my hair?
Do I have a whitehead?!
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00:09:10,561 --> 00:09:12,963
I'm pretty sure, to open a school,
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00:09:12,964 --> 00:09:15,565
you just rent out
two floors of a brownstone,
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00:09:15,566 --> 00:09:18,269
get a tobacco company
to donate a bunch of iPads,
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00:09:18,270 --> 00:09:21,638
and choose which Pinot grigio best
complements the multiplication tables.
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00:09:21,639 --> 00:09:24,641
It's actually far less
complicated than that!
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00:09:24,642 --> 00:09:27,177
My administration has worked tirelessly
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00:09:27,178 --> 00:09:29,780
to accept schools
of all different types.
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00:09:29,781 --> 00:09:33,917
Some schools have libraries,
study lounges, and iPads galore.
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00:09:33,918 --> 00:09:36,019
Others have... roofs.
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00:09:36,020 --> 00:09:38,689
I just want to make it easier
for even one young woman
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00:09:38,690 --> 00:09:40,424
to grow up and be the next
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00:09:40,425 --> 00:09:44,527
IvankaTrump.com unique visitor
and newsletter subscriber.
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00:09:44,528 --> 00:09:48,531
[sobbing] I just don't want
them to struggle like me!
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00:09:48,532 --> 00:09:51,536
Like and share if you agree!
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00:09:52,837 --> 00:09:57,006
Enh! Ahhh!
So, Don, you wanna get in on the old
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00:09:57,007 --> 00:10:00,676
"overcompensate for
feelings of inferiority" game
223
00:10:00,677 --> 00:10:03,679
and strut for the man
with a Texas-sized pistola?
224
00:10:03,680 --> 00:10:05,280
I figure if anyone knows guns,
225
00:10:05,281 --> 00:10:08,150
it's the guy Secret Service
refuses to protect.
226
00:10:08,151 --> 00:10:09,552
That's Ted Cruz!!
227
00:10:09,553 --> 00:10:12,555
Here's one rifle for you
and one for me!
228
00:10:12,556 --> 00:10:14,824
Whoa! Wow!
I really do feel like a man!
229
00:10:14,825 --> 00:10:16,825
That means it's workin'!
230
00:10:16,826 --> 00:10:19,862
Now, I'm gonna reveal a couple
embarrassing details about myself.
231
00:10:19,863 --> 00:10:24,066
And watch as I still feel good
because I'm holding a gun!
232
00:10:24,067 --> 00:10:25,868
I once kidnapped my neighbor's cat
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00:10:25,869 --> 00:10:29,071
so I could use it to practice kissing!
Feelin' good!
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00:10:29,072 --> 00:10:31,974
One time, I dropped my drawers,
and my date ran out the room
235
00:10:31,975 --> 00:10:34,509
like she was trying to
outrun a nine-foot centipede!
236
00:10:34,510 --> 00:10:36,043
Feelin' good!
237
00:10:36,044 --> 00:10:39,313
- Now you do one.
- Umm...
238
00:10:39,314 --> 00:10:44,652
- I hung out with Ted Cruz?
- Feelin' good!
239
00:10:44,653 --> 00:10:47,822
[music]
240
00:10:48,123 --> 00:10:51,492
Thank you for meeting with me
about my new school.
241
00:10:51,493 --> 00:10:55,046
It's just nice to talk to someone
who I share so much
242
00:10:55,047 --> 00:10:58,032
- life experience with.
- Absolutely.
243
00:10:58,033 --> 00:11:01,936
And I'm just so excited that the
meritocracy is working properly,
244
00:11:01,937 --> 00:11:05,106
and you're serving in the
most powerful office on Earth.
245
00:11:05,107 --> 00:11:07,875
I know you're not feeling well
and need to get back
246
00:11:07,876 --> 00:11:10,577
to making sure your brain
doesn't spill out of your head,
247
00:11:10,578 --> 00:11:11,879
and so I'll get to it.
248
00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:14,448
I would love to accept
a sizable contribution
249
00:11:14,449 --> 00:11:16,784
from The Clinton Foundation
for my new school.
250
00:11:16,785 --> 00:11:19,219
Oh, we're not really
a foundation anymore,
251
00:11:19,220 --> 00:11:21,955
so much as a thick smoke
screen for Republicans
252
00:11:21,956 --> 00:11:24,690
to draw attention from your
father's Mussolini cosplay.
253
00:11:24,691 --> 00:11:27,360
And you're doing a great job!
254
00:11:27,361 --> 00:11:29,796
So, from one feminist to another,
255
00:11:29,797 --> 00:11:34,534
- can we agree to lift each other up?
- I'd love to, but unfortunately,
256
00:11:34,535 --> 00:11:36,803
I'm on so much Xanax and chardonnay
257
00:11:36,804 --> 00:11:38,971
that I'm not legally allowed
to write a check.
258
00:11:38,972 --> 00:11:40,406
I'll tell you what, though.
259
00:11:40,407 --> 00:11:43,309
Until that changes,
you can eat my ass.
260
00:11:43,310 --> 00:11:46,111
[music]
261
00:11:46,112 --> 00:11:47,480
[President Trump]
Let's make this quick.
262
00:11:47,481 --> 00:11:49,782
I get Don Jr. to teach me
to smoke cigarettes ...
263
00:11:49,783 --> 00:11:52,384
Thank God you're here, sir!
North Korean Leader Kim Jong-un
264
00:11:52,385 --> 00:11:54,119
has just test-fired a nuclear warhead
265
00:11:54,120 --> 00:11:56,422
with enough range to hit
the continental United States!
266
00:11:56,423 --> 00:12:01,393
Sir, this is deadly serious.
The nation is counting on you.
267
00:12:01,394 --> 00:12:03,162
W-Wait. R-Really?
268
00:12:03,163 --> 00:12:06,798
You're gonna let me finally do this?
I'd think I was dreaming,
269
00:12:06,799 --> 00:12:08,934
but none of you are cougars
trying to eat my penis.
270
00:12:08,935 --> 00:12:11,837
Sir, we can't tell you what to do.
271
00:12:11,838 --> 00:12:16,627
You have to decide if you're man
enough to hit that button.
272
00:12:16,662 --> 00:12:18,329
? Oh-ohh ?
273
00:12:18,364 --> 00:12:20,679
You know, I've always talked
a big game about this,
274
00:12:20,680 --> 00:12:22,747
but now that the moment is here,
275
00:12:22,748 --> 00:12:25,684
I'm just not sure if I want
to press the button.
276
00:12:25,685 --> 00:12:27,986
[yells] Or really press the button!
277
00:12:27,987 --> 00:12:30,421
- Aaaaah! Grr! Aaah!
- Sir! Sir!
278
00:12:30,422 --> 00:12:32,690
- Hello?! Sir!
- Ah-ha-ha!
279
00:12:32,691 --> 00:12:35,093
That button isn't
attached to anything.
280
00:12:35,094 --> 00:12:36,660
We just wanted you to feel like a man
281
00:12:36,661 --> 00:12:39,163
so you'd drop this whole
"bound to be humiliating"
282
00:12:39,164 --> 00:12:41,867
- first-pitch idea.
- Drop it?
283
00:12:41,902 --> 00:12:45,703
You just gave me the confidence I
needed to want to do it even more!
284
00:12:45,704 --> 00:12:49,507
I'm a big bad button boy now,
and nothing can stop me!
285
00:12:49,508 --> 00:12:53,110
- By the way, have you practiced at all?
- Real cool, McMasters.
286
00:12:53,111 --> 00:12:55,880
Those cake eaters might still be
having a birthday party.
287
00:12:55,881 --> 00:12:58,282
You gonna go stab their bouncy castle?
288
00:12:59,183 --> 00:12:59,984
Boop!
289
00:13:00,155 --> 00:13:02,222
[music]
290
00:13:02,223 --> 00:13:03,623
[audience] "Hannity"!
291
00:13:03,624 --> 00:13:05,325
We begin tonight
with the only man
292
00:13:05,326 --> 00:13:07,860
who's ever unlocked
all my pleasure centers ...
293
00:13:07,861 --> 00:13:10,029
President Donald JFK Trump.
294
00:13:10,030 --> 00:13:12,031
Great to be here, hoss.
[chain saw buzzes]
295
00:13:12,032 --> 00:13:13,833
You're here to promote
your first pitch,
296
00:13:13,834 --> 00:13:15,968
and who am I to get in the way of
what the government wants to do?
297
00:13:15,969 --> 00:13:19,338
And the first 10,000 fans will receive...
298
00:13:19,339 --> 00:13:21,407
Buff President Man Beans!
299
00:13:21,408 --> 00:13:23,409
These Man Beans
are an intense cocktail
300
00:13:23,410 --> 00:13:26,145
of fresh legumes
and grounded hammers
301
00:13:26,146 --> 00:13:28,981
sprinkled with bull-penis
nerve endings.
302
00:13:28,982 --> 00:13:30,683
[chain saw buzzes]
Any more of this manlihood,
303
00:13:30,684 --> 00:13:33,252
and I tell you, my penis will jump
out of my pants and go bowling.
304
00:13:33,253 --> 00:13:35,688
So let's bring in someone
who can speak for all women ...
305
00:13:35,689 --> 00:13:38,390
hot, blond rich lady Ivanka Trump.
306
00:13:38,391 --> 00:13:40,992
Everyone knows there's
no greater ally for women
307
00:13:40,993 --> 00:13:42,361
than Sean Hannity.
308
00:13:42,362 --> 00:13:44,029
I have to.
They're helpless.
309
00:13:44,030 --> 00:13:46,699
That's why I chose this platform
to announce
310
00:13:46,700 --> 00:13:51,002
the Ivanka Trump School for
Women and Girls in Africa.
311
00:13:51,003 --> 00:13:54,272
We'll give these amazing
women and girls in Africa
312
00:13:54,273 --> 00:13:57,943
the skills they need to succeed
in the new economy in Africa.
313
00:13:57,944 --> 00:14:00,578
Wow. Isn't she great, Don?
Unbelievable.
314
00:14:00,579 --> 00:14:02,748
She's almost as good as the worst man.
315
00:14:02,749 --> 00:14:05,516
[singsong voice] She's nipping
at Mark Ruffalo's heels!
316
00:14:05,517 --> 00:14:07,018
[chain saw buzzing]
317
00:14:07,019 --> 00:14:10,187
Sir, you never finished
telling us whether
318
00:14:10,188 --> 00:14:13,558
you want to be vacuum-sealed
so you won't get the sniffles.
319
00:14:13,559 --> 00:14:15,926
- Enhh!
- What does that mean?
320
00:14:15,927 --> 00:14:17,595
[gravelly voice]
Everyone knows Donald Trump
321
00:14:17,596 --> 00:14:21,599
is the strong, silent type
who keeps his thoughts to himself
322
00:14:21,600 --> 00:14:25,602
and stares into fireplaces,
searching for answers.
323
00:14:25,603 --> 00:14:29,640
Sir, you've replaced all the
fireplaces with 95-inch flat screens.
324
00:14:29,641 --> 00:14:31,275
Seems like the modern world
325
00:14:31,276 --> 00:14:34,411
has got no place for this
old callous tumbleweed.
326
00:14:34,412 --> 00:14:36,580
Now, if you'll kindly step aside,
327
00:14:36,581 --> 00:14:41,318
I'll be on my motorcycle to
wherever the man wind takes me.
328
00:14:41,319 --> 00:14:44,288
[announcer] You're watching
"The Price is Right"!
329
00:14:44,289 --> 00:14:48,292
[normal voice] Oh, my God!
What is Drew Carey wearing?!
330
00:14:48,293 --> 00:14:49,726
[music]
331
00:14:49,727 --> 00:14:51,928
Jare-head, the segment's on!
332
00:14:51,929 --> 00:14:54,264
Stop sitting fully clothed
on the toilet
333
00:14:54,265 --> 00:14:56,633
with your head in your hands
while the shower's running!
334
00:14:56,634 --> 00:14:58,301
Sorry. I was ...
I was just trying to enjoy
335
00:14:58,302 --> 00:15:00,270
sitting on a toilet without
a cellmate leering at me.
336
00:15:00,271 --> 00:15:03,006
Okay, we have here the details
of Ivanka Trump's school.
337
00:15:03,007 --> 00:15:04,774
Tell me if this sounds... familiar.
338
00:15:04,775 --> 00:15:07,310
A group of young women sitting in rows.
339
00:15:07,311 --> 00:15:09,179
Women are stronger together.
340
00:15:09,180 --> 00:15:11,681
The women are making clothes.
341
00:15:11,682 --> 00:15:15,284
- Such a valuable skill.
- For pennies.
342
00:15:15,285 --> 00:15:18,854
Then the clothes are sold for
thousands on IvankaTrump.com.
343
00:15:18,855 --> 00:15:20,790
That way, I make a big profit!
344
00:15:20,791 --> 00:15:22,257
This, my friends, is billed
345
00:15:22,258 --> 00:15:25,194
as, oohr, an institution
of female empowerment
346
00:15:25,195 --> 00:15:28,163
but is actually a sweatshop.
347
00:15:28,164 --> 00:15:30,432
You know, that wasn't my intent,
348
00:15:30,433 --> 00:15:33,135
but it's definitely where I ended up.
349
00:15:33,636 --> 00:15:37,039
Did you see Rupert Murdoch
in Vanity Fair?
350
00:15:37,040 --> 00:15:39,541
He found four women
willing to marry him,
351
00:15:39,542 --> 00:15:41,944
but he couldn't find
a decent chin implant?
352
00:15:41,945 --> 00:15:44,213
[gravelly voice] I had
a Rupert in my platoon.
353
00:15:44,214 --> 00:15:48,383
Used to tell him stories about
my pregnant wife, Lucy, back home.
354
00:15:48,384 --> 00:15:50,051
[shouting, gunfire]
355
00:15:50,052 --> 00:15:52,954
Since when do you care about
the Battle of the Bulge?
356
00:15:52,955 --> 00:15:56,023
Gladiators, Melania.
Every one of them.
357
00:15:56,024 --> 00:15:59,661
That's when men were men
and battles were of the bulge.
358
00:15:59,662 --> 00:16:03,130
Are you ever going to
practice throwing a baseball?!
359
00:16:03,131 --> 00:16:06,500
Can I get one moment of peace
in my own damn house?
360
00:16:06,501 --> 00:16:08,903
If you need me, I'll be at the tavern,
361
00:16:08,904 --> 00:16:12,639
drinking whiskey and
humming old Irish hymns.
362
00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:15,676
[announcer] Welcome back
to "Wheel of Fortune"!
363
00:16:15,677 --> 00:16:18,179
[normal voice] Oh, my God!
Is that a new wheel?!
364
00:16:18,290 --> 00:16:20,824
[music]
365
00:16:20,825 --> 00:16:22,425
[Ivanka] Everyone's
come out against me.
366
00:16:22,426 --> 00:16:24,361
Oh-prah, Ellen,
367
00:16:24,362 --> 00:16:26,630
the United Nations Commission
on Human Rights,
368
00:16:26,631 --> 00:16:28,465
The Barefoot Contessa!
369
00:16:28,466 --> 00:16:31,001
Come on, babe. You had to
know this was coming.
370
00:16:31,002 --> 00:16:32,435
I mean, you don't see a lot of schools
371
00:16:32,436 --> 00:16:34,471
with an electrified perimeter fence.
372
00:16:34,472 --> 00:16:36,339
These countries are dangerous,
373
00:16:36,340 --> 00:16:38,641
and I didn't want
my students getting away!
374
00:16:38,642 --> 00:16:40,143
The real victims here
375
00:16:40,144 --> 00:16:42,712
are the price-conscious customers of
IvankaTrump.com.
376
00:16:42,713 --> 00:16:45,281
[computer beeps]
Ooh. Bad news, babe.
377
00:16:45,282 --> 00:16:48,118
"This website has been suspended
378
00:16:48,119 --> 00:16:53,055
due to a violation of our
policy against child slavery"?!
379
00:16:53,056 --> 00:16:56,893
N-o-o-o-o-o!
380
00:16:56,894 --> 00:16:58,579
[music]
381
00:16:59,209 --> 00:17:01,744
[gravelly voice] Hey.
Where's my man costume?
382
00:17:01,745 --> 00:17:04,947
I can't find my cowboy hat and
Tim Allen keychain anywhere.
383
00:17:04,948 --> 00:17:06,616
We threw them in the trash.
384
00:17:06,617 --> 00:17:09,919
We were sick of your sweet-ass
manly attitude which fucking rules!
385
00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:13,255
But we hated it!
You made me go Alaskan crab fishing.
386
00:17:13,256 --> 00:17:15,624
A wave clocked me,
and I barfed on my ass!
387
00:17:15,625 --> 00:17:18,693
Oh, and one more thing.
We canceled your first pitch.
388
00:17:18,694 --> 00:17:20,462
[normal voice] What?!
Why would you do that?!
389
00:17:20,463 --> 00:17:22,531
They can't start the game
without the first pitch.
390
00:17:22,532 --> 00:17:25,234
That's like starting the day
without a failed bowel movement.
391
00:17:25,235 --> 00:17:28,036
They found another
septuagenarian to replace you.
392
00:17:28,037 --> 00:17:31,239
[Sean Hannity] Ladies and gentlemen,
our darkest fears have been realized.
393
00:17:31,240 --> 00:17:33,408
The first pitch to open the season
394
00:17:33,409 --> 00:17:35,276
for the Washington Nationals
will be thrown out
395
00:17:35,277 --> 00:17:37,746
by career criminal Hillary Clinton.
396
00:17:37,747 --> 00:17:40,381
The attack on Pearl Harbor
now seems like
397
00:17:40,382 --> 00:17:42,250
Free Cone Day at Ben & Jerry's.
398
00:17:42,251 --> 00:17:47,255
[gravelly voice] Torch one of my TVs.
I need a fire to stare into.
399
00:17:47,256 --> 00:17:51,100
[dramatic music]
400
00:17:53,128 --> 00:17:55,063
I wouldn't have bought this television
401
00:17:55,064 --> 00:17:57,065
if I knew it'd smell weird
when I burned it.
402
00:17:57,066 --> 00:17:59,567
[anchorman] Fox News alert.
North Korean Leader Kim Jong-un
403
00:17:59,568 --> 00:18:01,268
has just released a video
404
00:18:01,269 --> 00:18:05,105
reportedly showing him throwing
a 400-mile-per-hour fastball.
405
00:18:05,106 --> 00:18:06,340
[mitt smacks]
[man] Oh!
406
00:18:06,341 --> 00:18:10,110
[grumbles] Afterwards, the North
Korean dictator had this to say.
407
00:18:10,111 --> 00:18:11,512
[female interpreter]
"My rocket fastball
408
00:18:11,513 --> 00:18:13,948
is far superior
in speed and masculinity
409
00:18:13,949 --> 00:18:15,849
to the impotent toss of Donald Trump,
410
00:18:15,850 --> 00:18:17,917
America's voluptuous lunatic leader.
411
00:18:17,918 --> 00:18:21,321
More historic news ... North
Korea's Genius Science Squadron
412
00:18:21,322 --> 00:18:23,823
infiltrated IvankaTrump.com
and turned it into
413
00:18:23,824 --> 00:18:26,159
a den of tasteless reptilian erotica."
414
00:18:26,160 --> 00:18:30,998
I specifically said do not make
Eric head of your cybersecurity team.
415
00:18:31,299 --> 00:18:33,466
[President Trump]
God damn it!
416
00:18:33,467 --> 00:18:36,435
I flew that chopper full of
dangling ladies out of Saigon,
417
00:18:36,436 --> 00:18:38,671
and this is the parade
they throw me?!
418
00:18:38,672 --> 00:18:42,008
Sir, we need to talk.
You did not fight in Vietnam.
419
00:18:42,009 --> 00:18:43,810
You said you had bone spurs,
420
00:18:43,811 --> 00:18:46,012
which is an insult to
the brave draft dodgers
421
00:18:46,013 --> 00:18:48,814
who struggled to at least
come up with a good excuse.
422
00:18:48,815 --> 00:18:52,284
Mr. President, I'm gonna tell
you something you need to hear.
423
00:18:52,285 --> 00:18:55,888
- You aren't a man's man.
- Stop throwing shade, you bitch.
424
00:18:55,889 --> 00:18:57,623
That's what I mean.
425
00:18:57,624 --> 00:19:00,659
You care about gossip,
wear tons of makeup,
426
00:19:00,660 --> 00:19:04,296
and use a truck's worth of hair spray
just to show up for breakfast.
427
00:19:04,297 --> 00:19:07,132
You're one notch away
from being a nosy landlady
428
00:19:07,133 --> 00:19:12,137
- or a judge on "Project Runway."
- Can we talk about Tim Gunn?
429
00:19:12,138 --> 00:19:16,374
- I'm doing it right now, aren't I?
- And that's okay. [music]
430
00:19:16,375 --> 00:19:20,512
This whole John Wayne,
Clint Eastwood thing is in the past.
431
00:19:20,513 --> 00:19:23,014
Now women want to be
paid the same as men,
432
00:19:23,015 --> 00:19:25,517
and men want to be paid
to write travel blogs,
433
00:19:25,518 --> 00:19:28,386
and as much as we resist,
this movement won't stop
434
00:19:28,387 --> 00:19:32,190
until every person has an
amorphous, genderless genital.
435
00:19:32,191 --> 00:19:34,426
If the diva's done with her spotlight,
436
00:19:34,427 --> 00:19:36,494
can we get back to me
and the first pitch?
437
00:19:36,495 --> 00:19:38,362
- Should I go for it?
- Why not?
438
00:19:38,363 --> 00:19:40,064
Just because you're
not a man's man
439
00:19:40,065 --> 00:19:43,067
doesn't mean you shouldn't
continue to pretend to be one.
440
00:19:43,068 --> 00:19:45,937
That's still who this country elected.
441
00:19:45,938 --> 00:19:47,905
Don't forget someone
who favored white people.
442
00:19:47,906 --> 00:19:49,206
Sure, sure.
That's a given.
443
00:19:49,207 --> 00:19:50,841
How did this happen?
444
00:19:50,842 --> 00:19:52,843
I think I need to talk
to the person in the world
445
00:19:52,844 --> 00:19:55,845
who inspires me most.
446
00:19:55,846 --> 00:19:59,583
Hey, Ivanka.
It's me, Ivanka Trump.
447
00:19:59,584 --> 00:20:01,585
What should I do?
448
00:20:01,586 --> 00:20:04,521
Open a school for women
and girls in Africa?
449
00:20:04,522 --> 00:20:06,290
OMG! Great idea, queen!
450
00:20:06,291 --> 00:20:09,293
I can see where this is headed.
You can buy tons of schools.
451
00:20:09,294 --> 00:20:11,227
I can buy tons of
overleveraged properties.
452
00:20:11,228 --> 00:20:13,597
None of it will make a difference.
453
00:20:13,598 --> 00:20:15,899
We'll just never have the
inspiring life experiences
454
00:20:15,900 --> 00:20:19,235
of Oprah or Malala
or pretty much anyone who grew up
455
00:20:19,236 --> 00:20:21,071
without a live-in eyebrow threader.
456
00:20:21,072 --> 00:20:23,239
What do you mean?
I've struggled.
457
00:20:23,240 --> 00:20:25,575
One time, my horse,
Benedict Chambray, was sick,
458
00:20:25,576 --> 00:20:27,543
so I had to take
horseback riding lessons
459
00:20:27,544 --> 00:20:30,246
on one that I had zero rapport with!
460
00:20:30,247 --> 00:20:33,916
Yeah, but Malala and Oprah
have been through some shit!
461
00:20:33,917 --> 00:20:35,818
You can't just hashtag your way
462
00:20:35,819 --> 00:20:37,886
to becoming a respected female icon.
463
00:20:37,887 --> 00:20:41,390
You actually have to
overcome adversity.
464
00:20:41,391 --> 00:20:43,326
[man on TV] We go live now
to Hillary Clinton,
465
00:20:43,327 --> 00:20:45,794
who is holding an impromptu
press conference.
466
00:20:45,795 --> 00:20:48,063
As many of you know, earlier today,
467
00:20:48,064 --> 00:20:51,433
I suffered a little heat stroke.
It was very hot outside,
468
00:20:51,434 --> 00:20:55,504
and I didn't drink enough water
this morning.
469
00:20:55,505 --> 00:20:59,341
Anyways, I'm feeling great,
and I look forward
470
00:20:59,342 --> 00:21:03,311
to continuing to fight for
the American people. Whee!
471
00:21:03,312 --> 00:21:06,481
Holy crap!
I can still do the first pitch?!
472
00:21:06,482 --> 00:21:08,416
Oh, and remind me to ask Hillary
473
00:21:08,417 --> 00:21:10,452
what lotion she uses for her face.
474
00:21:10,453 --> 00:21:13,087
I'm pretty sure it's La Mer,
but it could be Lanc�me.
475
00:21:13,088 --> 00:21:15,257
There's my guy.
476
00:21:15,258 --> 00:21:17,792
[man] Welcome
to the opening game
477
00:21:17,793 --> 00:21:21,328
of the 2018 Major League
Baseball season!
478
00:21:21,329 --> 00:21:25,332
Tonight's game is brought to you
by Buff President Man Beans!
479
00:21:25,333 --> 00:21:28,850
I gots to have my Man Beans.
[growls]
480
00:21:28,871 --> 00:21:32,040
Boo! The national anthem
was too short!
481
00:21:32,041 --> 00:21:36,210
Sing all the verses! I'm hungry!
Hey, hot-dog guy!
482
00:21:36,211 --> 00:21:39,280
Hot-dog guy!
Hot-dog guy! Hot dog!
483
00:21:39,281 --> 00:21:40,648
[man] Tonight's first pitch
484
00:21:40,649 --> 00:21:44,718
will be thrown by your president,
Donald J. Trump!
485
00:21:44,719 --> 00:21:47,188
[crowd booing, organ playing]
486
00:21:47,189 --> 00:21:50,824
Come on, Donald.
It all comes down to this.
487
00:21:50,825 --> 00:21:53,860
You've been saving your arm
for this moment for 71 years.
488
00:21:53,861 --> 00:21:55,495
Everybody shut up!
489
00:21:55,496 --> 00:21:58,231
Stars and stripes are
about to shoot out his ass!
490
00:21:58,232 --> 00:22:02,703
Okay. Here we go.
On your marks, get set...
491
00:22:02,704 --> 00:22:06,039
[Ivanka] Halt, Daddy!
I won't let you throw that pitch!
492
00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:08,174
You're not Ivanka Strong!
493
00:22:08,175 --> 00:22:11,344
What are you doing here, Ivanka?
Daddy's working.
494
00:22:11,345 --> 00:22:14,180
I'm queen of The Resistance now.
495
00:22:14,181 --> 00:22:17,717
No more first pitches until
there's a female president!
496
00:22:17,718 --> 00:22:20,653
And that female president is me!
497
00:22:20,654 --> 00:22:23,388
[crowd booing, jeering]
498
00:22:23,389 --> 00:22:25,725
Don't waste those beans!!
499
00:22:25,726 --> 00:22:29,195
Pour 'em into your hands
and jam 'em down my throat!
500
00:22:29,196 --> 00:22:32,998
They're booing me.
I'm facing adversity!
501
00:22:32,999 --> 00:22:36,535
I hear your voices, and you are heard!
502
00:22:36,536 --> 00:22:38,537
You're so brave, honey.
503
00:22:38,538 --> 00:22:40,839
And what kind of veteran would I be
504
00:22:40,840 --> 00:22:44,943
if I didn't support you 100%?
Baseball's canceled!
505
00:22:44,944 --> 00:22:47,546
I'm not longer in it.
Ratings are terrible.
506
00:22:47,547 --> 00:22:49,848
[man on P.A.]
Your beans taste like shit.
507
00:22:49,849 --> 00:22:52,884
[Cooper] Security removed
a vomiting Sean Hannity
508
00:22:52,885 --> 00:22:56,554
after he overindulged on
Man Beans. [groans]
509
00:22:56,555 --> 00:22:58,056
Then Ivanka Trump announced
510
00:22:58,057 --> 00:23:00,759
that she'll be
the first female president.
511
00:23:00,760 --> 00:23:04,562
Oh, my God! Why is everyone
pressuring me to be president?
512
00:23:04,563 --> 00:23:06,430
[Don Jr.] That's bullshit, Ivanka!
513
00:23:06,431 --> 00:23:08,432
I'm the oldest, so I should
be the next president!
514
00:23:08,433 --> 00:23:11,035
And my VP will be my boy Nick.
515
00:23:11,036 --> 00:23:14,305
Dude's twitchy as hell, and he
knows all the state capitals.
516
00:23:14,306 --> 00:23:17,575
Can I be president if I have
a cinnamon allergy?
517
00:23:17,576 --> 00:23:20,278
Ooh, I could make this all
come crashing down.
518
00:23:20,279 --> 00:23:21,646
Is anyone going to
first ask their wives
519
00:23:21,647 --> 00:23:23,247
before running for president?
520
00:23:23,248 --> 00:23:24,415
- Boo!
- Boo!
521
00:23:24,416 --> 00:23:25,983
Bring back Mal ...
Marna or whatever.
522
00:23:25,984 --> 00:23:28,218
You'll all get your turn
to be president.
523
00:23:28,219 --> 00:23:30,888
Just promise that you'll
pardon the rest of us.
524
00:23:30,889 --> 00:23:32,489
- Sounds good.
- I love you, Daddy!
525
00:23:32,490 --> 00:23:34,892
Now I must do what the
people elected me to do.
526
00:23:34,893 --> 00:23:37,560
Bully Hillary Clinton
on all media platforms?
527
00:23:37,561 --> 00:23:39,296
[Don Jr.] Show America
that Eric's a dipshit?
528
00:23:39,297 --> 00:23:42,065
Dad! Don's making fun of me!
529
00:23:42,066 --> 00:23:45,435
Yes to all of that!
But, more importantly,
530
00:23:45,436 --> 00:23:48,605
watch television until it's another day.
531
00:23:48,606 --> 00:23:51,974
- [woman] Predicting a Democratic wave.
- Fake news.
532
00:23:51,975 --> 00:23:53,410
[Cooper] Robert Mueller making progress.
533
00:23:53,411 --> 00:23:55,178
- Fake news.
- And reports of the First Lady
534
00:23:55,179 --> 00:23:56,846
- apartment shopping...
- Fake news.
535
00:23:56,867 --> 00:24:01,204
['80s- style pop music plays]
Donald Trump is the president
536
00:24:01,205 --> 00:24:04,707
? Donald Trump
is the president ?
537
00:24:04,708 --> 00:24:07,043
? Is Donald Trump the president? ?
538
00:24:07,044 --> 00:24:08,545
? Yes, he is ?
539
00:24:08,546 --> 00:24:11,714
? Yes, he is,
we elected him president ?
540
00:24:11,715 --> 00:24:14,316
? Is Donald Trump the president? ?
541
00:24:14,317 --> 00:24:15,885
? Yes, he is ?
542
00:24:15,886 --> 00:24:18,854
? We had a vote
and elected him president ?
543
00:24:18,855 --> 00:24:25,827
? Donald Trump is the president ?
544
00:24:25,828 --> 00:24:27,729
? Donald Trump ?
545
00:24:27,730 --> 00:24:31,167
? He is our president ?
546
00:24:31,168 --> 00:24:34,570
? We made him president ?
547
00:24:34,571 --> 00:24:37,005
? We did it ?
548
00:24:37,006 --> 00:24:40,876
? Donald Trump is the president ?
549
00:24:40,877 --> 00:24:43,946
? We elected Donald Trump ?
550
00:24:43,947 --> 00:24:47,449
? Donald Trump is the president ?
551
00:24:47,450 --> 00:24:50,919
? Donald Trump
is the president ?
552
00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:54,689
? Yeah ?
553
00:24:54,690 --> 00:24:56,443
Trump!
554
00:24:57,731 --> 00:25:02,531
555
00:25:02,581 --> 00:25:07,131
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