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sync & correction by f1nc0
~ Addic7ed.com ~
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[man] We return to live coverage
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00:00:10,511 --> 00:00:13,080
of the March for Our Lives
in Washington,
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00:00:13,081 --> 00:00:14,681
and it appears that President Trump
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00:00:14,682 --> 00:00:17,284
has found an unsupervised microphone.
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00:00:17,285 --> 00:00:19,152
[President Trump]
Hello, students! [feedback]
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00:00:19,153 --> 00:00:21,354
It's so moving that
you came all this way
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00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:23,957
to celebrate Vladimir Putin's victory,
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00:00:23,958 --> 00:00:25,959
and I'm sure some of you are here
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00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:28,361
to express your opposition
to being shot.
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00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:31,364
No one empathizes
with this issue more than me
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00:00:31,365 --> 00:00:34,266
because after my fifth meal
and 30th diet Coke,
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00:00:34,267 --> 00:00:36,502
I feel like I've been
shot in the stomach.
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00:00:36,503 --> 00:00:40,706
That's why several weeks ago,
I became the first Republican
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00:00:40,707 --> 00:00:45,278
to propose common-sense gun reforms,
and then not two minutes later,
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00:00:45,279 --> 00:00:49,281
NRA chief Wayne LaPierre
kicked my door off its hinges
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00:00:49,282 --> 00:00:51,484
and threatened to remove my organs.
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00:00:51,485 --> 00:00:54,052
And in that moment,
coincidentally, I thought,
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00:00:54,053 --> 00:00:57,122
"This issue is not
that important to me!"
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00:00:57,123 --> 00:00:59,858
But there is one issue I'll die for ...
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00:00:59,859 --> 00:01:02,327
ending the Russia investigation.
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00:01:02,328 --> 00:01:03,795
Everyone's wondering ...
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00:01:03,796 --> 00:01:06,698
will Donald Trump fire
special counsel Robert Mueller?
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00:01:06,699 --> 00:01:10,635
Let me just reassure the American
people I'm going to fire him.
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You're smart kids, so I need your help.
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00:01:12,971 --> 00:01:15,006
Turn your attention to the screens
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00:01:15,007 --> 00:01:18,410
for a star-studded
public-service announcement.
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Hey, kids. It's DJT.
[music]
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There's problems in the streets...
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Facebook jackin' your stats...
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George Soros bribing you
to be crisis actors.
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But you know
what's really messed up?
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- Robert Mueller.
- Robert Mueller
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He wants to lock me up
just for being myself.
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00:01:35,193 --> 00:01:37,394
So it's time to show him what's up.
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A week from Monday, we're
going to walk out of school
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and proclaim that we want
to fire Robert Mueller.
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00:01:42,821 --> 00:01:44,568
? Fire Robert Mueller ?
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- Fire Robert Mueller.
- We need to act.
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- It ends today.
- Robert Mueller's super poor.
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Fire Robert Mueller.
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00:01:51,709 --> 00:01:54,778
- Fire Robert Mueller.
- Fire Robert Mueller!
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Fire Robert Muh-er!
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- Robert Mueller.
- Robert Mueller!
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- Robert Mule-er.
- Fire Robert Mueller!
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- I'm the First Lady.
- Fire Robert Mueller
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[President Trump] Fire Robert Mueller.
[echoing] Peace.
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1x08 - Government Shutdown
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[inhales, chomps]
[music]
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[Kelly] Sir, I'm serving
as a character witness
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for seven White House staffers
being tried in family court.
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Could you sign this good-luck
card for the last staff secretary?
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We let him go after it leaked
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he had done his fair share
of dog strangling.
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While I'm gone,
McMaster's in charge.
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I'd say you're in charge,
but you lost that privilege
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when you asked what the "R"
in "Argentina" stands for.
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And while he's gone, we get to
lock down a budget resolution!
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How's that sound?
Sir?
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I don't know where he is!
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Uh, maybe look for a sausage patty
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that compliments whoever's eating it.
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I'll tell Sanders to
give this a positive spin
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and say the president's
throwing pork at refugees.
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Hold off.
He won't get far.
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Airplane! KFC drive-through!
And step on it!
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For all General Kelly knows,
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I'm still at my desk with
a basketball on my head!
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- Damn it!
- There's no pilot.
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I thought you'd try this, so I
told him you were into trains now.
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I'm not dealing with this
stupid budget resolution bill.
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I mean, it's got "stupid"
right there in the title.
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How about this?
After you close a budget deal,
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we'll have KFC delivered
right to your larynx.
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It's not about the food.
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It's about the whole
drive-through experience.
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Will there be a monitor
that displays your order?
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Will there be one window or two?
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How will the bad grease taste?
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Sir, I know this is controversial,
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and I believe the federal
government should be funded,
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so I have to put my foot down.
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[grumbles]
Your foot never lets me do anything!
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[McConnell] Well, of course, any
discussion... [yawning loudly]
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...of raising federal spending
caps is a non-starter.
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- Okay. Mmm-mmhmm.
- And our caucus won't even
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discuss the FISA surveillance program.
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Ugh! Shut up!
This is so boring.
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I could be blasting
chicken down my throat
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with a Civil War cannon right now.
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Hey, we're the Democrats.
We're the fun ones.
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Just the other day,
Nancy switched my pen.
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[laughs]
I was like, "This isn't my pen."
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And she was like, "Gotcha.
I switched our pens."
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00:04:05,482 --> 00:04:07,016
Don't you guys ever
want to have fun?
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00:04:07,017 --> 00:04:08,984
Like, start a football league
that cuts the players'
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- life expectancy in half?
- We do fun stuff ...
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e-mail donors, call donors,
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00:04:14,925 --> 00:04:17,492
call donors to make sure
they got our e-mail.
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So far, nothing you've said is fun,
except maybe that pen thing.
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Call me when this bill
has some pizzazz in it, or ...
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or pizzas! Either one.
No! Wait! Both!
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[music]
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[President Trump] Oh, come on!
Where is it?!
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I specifically told the cable guy
to make Fox News every channel!
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Did you finish your big bill yet?
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Oh, great. Now you're
nagging me about my job?
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00:04:38,981 --> 00:04:41,972
What, did everyone read the
Constitution all of a sudden?
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[Hannity] Strap your kids
into their beds, folks.
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We got a great one tonight.
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- Hi, Sean! Sean! It's me!
- Hannity!
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He's an up-and-coming
conservative voice.
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00:04:49,078 --> 00:04:51,645
Please welcome the first
registered Republican toddler.
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00:04:51,646 --> 00:04:52,947
Connor Smith, it's an honor.
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00:04:52,948 --> 00:04:56,184
How has Hannity not won
a single award ever?
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00:04:56,185 --> 00:04:59,653
Why is the deep state so
goo-goo-gah-gah about supporting ISIS?
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Can you tell me that?
Can you talk?
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00:05:01,356 --> 00:05:04,191
Oh, wow.
That kid's got it made.
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00:05:04,192 --> 00:05:07,862
No meetings. No reading.
People cheer when he dances.
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00:05:07,863 --> 00:05:10,197
[sighs] So act like a toddler.
You're the Commander-in-Chief.
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- You can do whatever you want.
- No, I can't!
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General Kelly...
you'll get married me.
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It's like he's my dad,
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except he doesn't refer to
padlocks as babysitters.
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Ladies and gentlemen,
this is an important decision,
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00:05:21,675 --> 00:05:24,478
one historians will
forever write about.
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So, what do we think?
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Hell-o-o-o?
How do you think Entenmann's
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new raspberry Danish
should be served?
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00:05:31,152 --> 00:05:33,286
Piping-hot or cooled
by refreshing butter?
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00:05:33,287 --> 00:05:36,523
Mind keeping it down, Mr. President?
We're all moving a little slow.
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- Mnuchin's party got wild last night.
- Uh, he didn't have a party,
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because if he did, I would
have been invited. Right, Nooch?
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Threw a total sicky.
It was epic.
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00:05:47,735 --> 00:05:50,702
Ben Carson drove a car through
my house stone-cold sober.
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In my experiences, valets are inside.
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Did you misspell my name on the invite?
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Here. Let me write it down
very clearly for you.
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I threw your invite in the trash.
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When you finish the budget bill,
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00:06:01,881 --> 00:06:05,651
- you can hang out with your friends.
- Don't baby me, Kelly!
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I could totally run this
business without you.
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This isn't a business.
It's a government.
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Wow. And you wonder why you
haven't won Employee of the Month.
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[music]
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Welcome back.
It's Countdown to the Shutdown.
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Protesters have descended
on Washington,
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as lawmakers appear no closer
to a budget deal, the final...
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00:06:25,037 --> 00:06:27,372
sticking point is that one side's
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00:06:27,373 --> 00:06:30,275
entire political philosophy
does not, in any way,
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overlap with the others.
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We go now live to Paul Ryan.
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Do you think a shutdown would
hurt Republicans in the midterms?
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00:06:37,216 --> 00:06:39,684
And a follow-up ... What
the hell am I talking about?
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Republicans love that sort of thing.
Never mind.
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[music]
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And it just made me think, like,
midterms are gonna be here soon.
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This might be our last year
in office together.
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00:06:51,730 --> 00:06:53,297
- So many memories.
- Ah.
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00:06:53,298 --> 00:06:56,366
Remember when you gave that
speech on the House floor
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with toilet paper stuck to your shoe?
[laughter]
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00:07:00,105 --> 00:07:02,072
And then we authorized the Iraq War?
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00:07:02,073 --> 00:07:04,408
- [chuckles] Right.
- That war was bananas!
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00:07:04,409 --> 00:07:07,478
Like, a lot of people got hurt and died.
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00:07:07,479 --> 00:07:09,213
- Right, right.
- Yeah. Right. [chuckles]
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But you know what I remember
most about it?
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- Yeah?
- Our parties did it together.
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- Oh, you're right.
- So true!
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- You're right about that.
- We got to really enjoy
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this time and have fun,
like when we were teenagers
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reading Ayn Rand and harassing the
kids in the free-lunch line. [chuckles]
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[music]
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[President Trump] Why are
all these white people mad?
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I'm trying to help them.
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And now I got to go to this
dumb shutdown meeting.
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Dad, why are you letting this
Kelly dude tell you what to do?
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What's the point of having
your own branch of government
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if you can't break it off, plant it,
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00:07:38,842 --> 00:07:40,743
and grow your own Christmas tree?!
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I don't know. I guess
Kelly keeps me organized.
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00:07:42,912 --> 00:07:45,581
He tells annoying people
not to barge into my office,
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reminds me not to call every
foreign leader "Doodle Bug."
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Sounds like he friggin' sucks!
If he was cool like you,
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he'd hold meetings in the
bathroom while he took a dump.
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You know what?
You're right! Forget Kelly.
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For the first time in my life, I'm
gonna say and do whatever I want.
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00:08:00,096 --> 00:08:02,797
? General Kelly, your reign is done! ?
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00:08:02,798 --> 00:08:04,533
- Ohh.
- I'm gonna do me
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00:08:04,534 --> 00:08:08,170
- Dad!
- Donald J. Tru-u-u-mp
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00:08:08,171 --> 00:08:13,312
Dad... what the fuck are you
doing?! That's really good.
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00:08:13,347 --> 00:08:16,505
[music]
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When I get back, I want the
United States government funded.
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And that means no parties.
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00:08:24,899 --> 00:08:26,667
Don't worry.
We're not having a party.
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We're totally throwing a party.
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00:08:28,136 --> 00:08:31,472
It's gonna make Mnuchin's party
look like Mike Pence's personality.
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Personality is sin.
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00:08:33,275 --> 00:08:36,610
Don, Eric, get some candies,
treats, and sweet treats.
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00:08:36,611 --> 00:08:39,480
What's the difference between
treats and sweet treats?
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00:08:39,481 --> 00:08:41,915
Eric! Don't worry, Dad.
I'll explain it to him later.
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00:08:41,916 --> 00:08:43,617
And we're gonna have it in
the living room!
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00:08:43,618 --> 00:08:47,153
- So someone clean it up.
- I'm an excellent cleanser.
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00:08:47,154 --> 00:08:49,089
This is no longer
General Kelly's White House!
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00:08:49,090 --> 00:08:51,257
It's Donny Trump's
Funky Baby Party Box,
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00:08:51,258 --> 00:08:53,826
where cool Trumps rule
and lame generals drool.
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00:08:53,827 --> 00:08:57,497
Mr. President, you promised General
Kelly you'd work on that bill.
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00:08:57,498 --> 00:08:58,965
Don't worry.
Susan's on it.
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00:08:58,966 --> 00:09:02,835
- We all know Susan doesn't exist.
- Really? Susan might disagree.
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00:09:02,836 --> 00:09:04,471
Maybe check in with her on that.
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00:09:04,472 --> 00:09:06,272
[music]
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00:09:06,273 --> 00:09:09,141
Can you believe all this shutdown ...
212
00:09:09,142 --> 00:09:13,045
Crap. Sorry. It's my first
bipartisan night out in a while.
213
00:09:13,046 --> 00:09:15,447
Let's forget about
the shutdown for a sec.
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00:09:15,448 --> 00:09:19,151
How about, to break the ice,
you ask us anything you want?
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00:09:19,152 --> 00:09:20,520
No judgment.
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00:09:20,521 --> 00:09:24,123
Okay. Um, do you really
want to raise taxes?
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00:09:24,124 --> 00:09:26,058
Heck, no.
That money's ours.
218
00:09:26,059 --> 00:09:29,328
Exactly!
Your turn. Ask us anything.
219
00:09:29,329 --> 00:09:32,297
Benghazi.
What's that all about?
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00:09:32,298 --> 00:09:36,168
To be honest, I don't know what
Benghazi is, where it happened...
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00:09:36,169 --> 00:09:38,003
Oh, yeah.
Folks in Louisville
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00:09:38,004 --> 00:09:41,306
are always coming up to me
worried about Libya. Oh, get real.
223
00:09:41,307 --> 00:09:43,975
[laughs] Wow!
We are having fun!
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00:09:43,976 --> 00:09:46,745
I'm not even faking this
giant open-mouth smile.
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00:09:46,746 --> 00:09:50,849
I can't stop it now, and I'm
actually getting a bit frightened.
226
00:09:50,850 --> 00:09:54,485
Hey, this might sound weird ...
do you guys ever tub?
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00:09:54,486 --> 00:09:55,754
- Ooh!
- Ooh!
228
00:09:55,755 --> 00:09:57,422
- Ooh!
- Right?
229
00:09:57,623 --> 00:10:00,724
Ruffians are planning
White House protests
230
00:10:00,725 --> 00:10:04,362
even larger than when you issued
a travel ban on Episcopalians
231
00:10:04,363 --> 00:10:07,165
because you thought they were
refugees from Episcopalia.
232
00:10:07,166 --> 00:10:09,534
McMasters, why are we
talking about this?
233
00:10:09,535 --> 00:10:12,703
Everyone is stoked on my party,
and no one gives two nickels
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00:10:12,704 --> 00:10:15,372
about Kelly's weird scheme
to fund the government.
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00:10:15,373 --> 00:10:16,941
What are you talking about?
I love parties.
236
00:10:16,942 --> 00:10:19,577
It's always nice to let your
hair down, take your medals off.
237
00:10:19,578 --> 00:10:24,048
- But your duty to this country comes first.
- Lighten up, McMaster!
238
00:10:24,049 --> 00:10:26,584
With everyone upset
about the government
239
00:10:26,585 --> 00:10:30,054
not doing anything, a party
would be a welcome distraction.
240
00:10:30,055 --> 00:10:32,855
Mattis, my man!
Sanders, you in?
241
00:10:32,856 --> 00:10:35,892
Hell yeah!
Just a warnin' ... after three beers,
242
00:10:35,893 --> 00:10:39,296
I attack anyone who reminds me
remotely of my father.
243
00:10:39,297 --> 00:10:42,466
Now that we're all cozy,
everyone go around
244
00:10:42,467 --> 00:10:46,369
and say something that you'd
never admit to the American people.
245
00:10:46,370 --> 00:10:49,844
I don't know where I'm supposed
to sit in the Senate.
246
00:10:49,879 --> 00:10:50,930
- Oh, my goodness.
- What?!
247
00:10:50,965 --> 00:10:52,375
- [laughs] Are you serious?
- I love that!
248
00:10:52,376 --> 00:10:53,743
- I have no idea.
- That's amazing.
249
00:10:53,744 --> 00:10:57,480
I got one. I've never set
foot inside a voting booth.
250
00:10:57,481 --> 00:10:58,982
- What?!
- Wow!
251
00:10:58,983 --> 00:11:00,549
- That's not ...
- That's truly not okay.
252
00:11:00,550 --> 00:11:01,818
- That is insane!
- I mean, what's the point? It's not like
253
00:11:01,819 --> 00:11:05,421
- one person can actually make a difference.
- This is freaking awesome!
254
00:11:05,422 --> 00:11:08,890
I feel like I just mandated
drug tests for food stamps.
255
00:11:08,891 --> 00:11:11,960
- Whoo! Yeah, baby!
- It's too bad we have to get back
256
00:11:11,961 --> 00:11:16,098
- and negotiate this budget bill.
- Well, who says we do?
257
00:11:16,099 --> 00:11:18,934
The only thing I'm negotiating
is who gets out
258
00:11:18,935 --> 00:11:23,271
- to turn the jets on in 15 minutes. [laughter]
- I'm into that.
259
00:11:23,272 --> 00:11:26,008
I'd also be into
reaching across the aisle
260
00:11:26,009 --> 00:11:29,410
just to, uh... you know...
261
00:11:29,411 --> 00:11:31,079
feel around.
262
00:11:31,080 --> 00:11:36,652
- What?
- Okay, I clearly misread the vibe.
263
00:11:36,653 --> 00:11:38,786
[music]
264
00:11:38,787 --> 00:11:40,421
[President Trump]
Hey! We're having a party!
265
00:11:40,422 --> 00:11:42,691
Is this great or what!
Hey! Come on!
266
00:11:42,692 --> 00:11:45,326
Let's hear it!
Everyone get their sugar sticks?!
267
00:11:45,327 --> 00:11:47,195
Man, if we had these in Vietnam,
268
00:11:47,196 --> 00:11:50,632
it would have taken way longer
to lose that war! Hah-ha!
269
00:11:50,633 --> 00:11:53,768
Ah, tah-pah-pah-pah-pah.
Take it easy on those, McMaster.
270
00:11:53,769 --> 00:11:55,536
Nooch, what are we watching?
271
00:11:55,537 --> 00:11:57,872
I've got pornos based on
every movie I've produced ...
272
00:11:57,873 --> 00:12:00,841
"Collateral Booty,"
"Mad Max: Furry Chode,"
273
00:12:00,842 --> 00:12:04,378
- "The Lego Batman Porno."
- I have to recuse myself.
274
00:12:04,379 --> 00:12:06,047
Let's just watch the news.
275
00:12:06,048 --> 00:12:09,216
My body reacts the same way to
news as it does to pornography.
276
00:12:09,217 --> 00:12:11,885
There's a chance we might
not get paid for weeks!
277
00:12:11,886 --> 00:12:13,987
[crying] Who knows what
I'll tell my kids?!
278
00:12:13,988 --> 00:12:17,224
[all shouting]
Get over it, you crybaby!
279
00:12:17,225 --> 00:12:18,692
[knock on door]
[Junior] Crap! It's Kelly!
280
00:12:18,693 --> 00:12:21,695
Everybody flush yourself
down the toilet, now!
281
00:12:21,696 --> 00:12:24,298
What the hell is going on here?!
282
00:12:24,299 --> 00:12:28,668
Hey, General Kelly! Yay!
[Junior gurgling]
283
00:12:29,099 --> 00:12:31,667
[President Trump] Okay,
so, I didn't pass a budget.
284
00:12:31,668 --> 00:12:33,937
Big deal.
You didn't pass one, either.
285
00:12:33,938 --> 00:12:36,940
Sir, the government's only
funded for one more day.
286
00:12:36,941 --> 00:12:38,541
This is serious!
287
00:12:38,542 --> 00:12:41,610
If it's so serious, then
why am I wearing this hat?
288
00:12:41,611 --> 00:12:45,448
You call Congressional leaders
and negotiate a damn bill.
289
00:12:45,449 --> 00:12:47,550
- Now!
- You can't tell me what to do!
290
00:12:47,551 --> 00:12:51,119
- You're not my real dad!
- I'm not even your fake dad.
291
00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:52,722
But if you want to
respect your office
292
00:12:52,723 --> 00:12:55,658
and act like a grown adult,
then pass a bill.
293
00:12:55,659 --> 00:12:58,461
But if you want to be a
little toddler, eat sugar,
294
00:12:58,462 --> 00:13:01,663
and drink sugar,
don't expect my help.
295
00:13:01,664 --> 00:13:02,865
So, what'll it be?
296
00:13:02,866 --> 00:13:07,954
[tense music]
297
00:13:09,639 --> 00:13:12,974
- [gasps] Cupcakes!
- Guess who cut a culinary
298
00:13:12,975 --> 00:13:16,544
magnet school's funding
and got their desserts!
299
00:13:16,665 --> 00:13:18,666
? Three white people on a couch ?
300
00:13:18,667 --> 00:13:20,969
? It's "Fox & Friends" ?
301
00:13:20,970 --> 00:13:22,537
I'm glad President Trump
302
00:13:22,538 --> 00:13:25,439
isn't taking this government
shutdown seriously.
303
00:13:25,440 --> 00:13:26,941
I don't need some FDA bureaucrat
304
00:13:26,942 --> 00:13:29,143
getting between me
and my poisoned meats!
305
00:13:29,144 --> 00:13:31,345
Sure, museums will close,
but, hey, that'll keep
306
00:13:31,346 --> 00:13:33,180
those suits of armor
and woolly mammoths
307
00:13:33,181 --> 00:13:35,349
from running loose when they
get struck by lightning
308
00:13:35,350 --> 00:13:39,022
- and come to life.
- That was so...
309
00:13:41,023 --> 00:13:44,225
- Is he dead?
- ...fun. What's on the docket today?
310
00:13:44,226 --> 00:13:46,394
How about a prank?
Somebody get the flu
311
00:13:46,395 --> 00:13:50,330
and then kiss Chief Justice
John Roberts. [giggles]
312
00:13:50,331 --> 00:13:54,101
Oh, we'd love to say yes,
but our constituents are giving us
313
00:13:54,102 --> 00:13:58,005
- hell about this budget deal.
- So, we took a look at your proposals.
314
00:13:58,006 --> 00:14:01,174
One provision makes
gun owners tax-exempt.
315
00:14:01,175 --> 00:14:03,209
Who cares about all that stuff?
316
00:14:03,210 --> 00:14:05,746
All I care about is
that four-seater hot tub
317
00:14:05,747 --> 00:14:08,902
and my three besties!
[cellphones ringing]
318
00:14:09,050 --> 00:14:10,583
Oh, for pig shit's sake.
319
00:14:11,284 --> 00:14:13,153
[announcer] "Infowars."
320
00:14:13,154 --> 00:14:16,423
We have video proof
that four globalists...
321
00:14:16,424 --> 00:14:18,258
ostensibly from different parties
322
00:14:18,259 --> 00:14:20,260
have now been
caught on video, folks ...
323
00:14:20,261 --> 00:14:24,460
it's on video ... bathing
together in the Satanic waters
324
00:14:24,495 --> 00:14:27,232
of a ritual hot tub!
Paul Ryan ... globalist!
325
00:14:27,233 --> 00:14:29,735
Mitch McConnell ...
33-degree Mason!
326
00:14:29,736 --> 00:14:32,872
Nancy Pelosi ... a known
member of San Francisco!
327
00:14:32,873 --> 00:14:36,241
Chuck Schumer! There is
fluoride in that hot tub!
328
00:14:36,242 --> 00:14:39,911
Mother of God!
They think we're bipartisan.
329
00:14:40,106 --> 00:14:40,872
[music]
330
00:14:40,873 --> 00:14:43,041
[President Trump]
Finally, no Kelly to bother me.
331
00:14:43,042 --> 00:14:46,911
Hey, I'm gonna watch some TV
if anyone wants to join!
332
00:14:46,912 --> 00:14:50,616
No dweebs, goobers, weenies,
or mean people!
333
00:14:50,617 --> 00:14:52,417
[hoofbeats]
334
00:14:52,418 --> 00:14:55,387
Heard your Draconian gatekeeper,
General Kelly, is out,
335
00:14:55,388 --> 00:14:57,922
which means I'm in!
Your personal space!
336
00:14:57,923 --> 00:15:01,025
- There's something I'd like to parlay.
- I'm not blurbing your novel.
337
00:15:01,026 --> 00:15:02,894
A whodunit about a brilliant
White House aide
338
00:15:02,895 --> 00:15:04,595
getting stood up
repeatedly at the movies.
339
00:15:04,596 --> 00:15:08,399
Is it sheer coincidence or evidence
of a much more insidious plot?
340
00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:10,268
"The Feminine Menace: Volume I."
341
00:15:10,269 --> 00:15:11,736
- Dad.
- Dad. Look at this rock.
342
00:15:11,737 --> 00:15:13,437
- No! Look at my rock!
- Dad. Yo. Look at my rock.
343
00:15:13,438 --> 00:15:14,905
- Don? Don?
- Dad?
344
00:15:14,906 --> 00:15:17,141
- No, don't look at his rock!
- Look at my rock!
345
00:15:17,142 --> 00:15:18,809
- Ben, you're not my son.
- Dad. Dad. Daddy. Dad.
346
00:15:18,810 --> 00:15:20,077
- Is this Mike Pence's office?
- Don.
347
00:15:20,078 --> 00:15:21,779
- It's my office.
- Dad!
348
00:15:21,780 --> 00:15:24,248
-. Michael forgot his lunch in here.
- Dad!
349
00:15:24,249 --> 00:15:26,651
You're insane if you think
I didn't already eat that!
350
00:15:26,652 --> 00:15:28,118
Ted Cruz!
What are we watching?
351
00:15:28,119 --> 00:15:29,386
- Don?
- Dad! Dad!
352
00:15:29,387 --> 00:15:31,255
Holy smokes! I feel like
I'm in the Wild West!
353
00:15:31,256 --> 00:15:33,223
- Yee-haw! [imitates whip crack]
- Dad!
354
00:15:33,224 --> 00:15:34,758
[sings guitar riff]
355
00:15:34,759 --> 00:15:38,000
- Dad!
- Dad! [screaming]
356
00:15:38,663 --> 00:15:40,497
[door slams]
357
00:15:40,498 --> 00:15:43,295
A donkey kicking someone through
a couple of swinging doors!
358
00:15:43,330 --> 00:15:44,429
Lord, have mercy!
359
00:15:44,764 --> 00:15:47,404
[Ryan] So, then, what are you saying?
360
00:15:47,405 --> 00:15:50,239
We're saying we lost
sight of ourselves.
361
00:15:50,240 --> 00:15:53,410
Those jets blinded us to the truth.
362
00:15:53,411 --> 00:15:56,913
That tub was a beautiful
apolitical womb!
363
00:15:56,914 --> 00:16:01,017
The deep connections I felt last night
I've never felt for anyone!
364
00:16:01,018 --> 00:16:04,453
Not my wife, my kids,
my red hat and barbells!
365
00:16:04,454 --> 00:16:07,256
Knock it off!
You're gonna get us killed.
366
00:16:07,257 --> 00:16:10,793
Come on! Chuck, I rubbed
in your scalp tonic.
367
00:16:10,794 --> 00:16:13,262
Nancy, I told you
my middle-school secret
368
00:16:13,263 --> 00:16:16,165
about sneaking into
ceramics after hours
369
00:16:16,166 --> 00:16:19,301
to make myself a clay boob
I kept under my bed!
370
00:16:19,302 --> 00:16:24,139
And as much as that story meant to
me, this is the way it has to be.
371
00:16:24,140 --> 00:16:26,842
Paul, I know this applies
to whenever you're awake,
372
00:16:26,843 --> 00:16:29,378
but you're embarrassing yourself.
373
00:16:29,379 --> 00:16:31,513
[protestors]
Hey, hey, ho, how!
374
00:16:31,514 --> 00:16:33,958
The government should not shut down!
375
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:35,383
Hey, hey, ho, hur!
376
00:16:35,384 --> 00:16:38,488
The government shutdown
should not occur!
377
00:16:38,523 --> 00:16:40,856
[panting]
378
00:16:40,857 --> 00:16:43,024
This place is a mad house!
379
00:16:43,025 --> 00:16:45,026
I'm heading out to play
a few holes of golf!
380
00:16:45,027 --> 00:16:47,162
What's 18 times 5?
A thousand?
381
00:16:47,163 --> 00:16:51,132
Wouldn't show your face right now, sir.
Massive protests have begun.
382
00:16:51,133 --> 00:16:54,301
Those have nothing to do with me.
I'm just a simple golfing man.
383
00:16:54,302 --> 00:16:56,838
But if it makes them go away,
I'll do the bill.
384
00:16:56,839 --> 00:16:59,674
There is no bill. The House can't
agree on a single budget item.
385
00:16:59,675 --> 00:17:02,810
Right now they're stuck in negotiations
over how many vertical lines
386
00:17:02,811 --> 00:17:04,479
go through the "S" in a dollar sign.
387
00:17:04,480 --> 00:17:06,647
Then round up all those stiffs
and fix it.
388
00:17:06,648 --> 00:17:10,084
I've never rounded up anyone that
wasn't presumed dead weeks later.
389
00:17:10,085 --> 00:17:12,052
You're gonna need Kelly
for this one.
390
00:17:12,653 --> 00:17:16,891
[Pelosi] Many people are to blame
for this government shutdown,
391
00:17:16,892 --> 00:17:19,360
but no group deserves
more blame than...
392
00:17:19,361 --> 00:17:23,397
Don't do it, Nancy.
Remember! The tub!
393
00:17:23,398 --> 00:17:27,259
...than the Republicans!
394
00:17:27,294 --> 00:17:30,103
Everyone knows the blame
lies squarely with
395
00:17:30,104 --> 00:17:33,774
the House Democrats,
whose leader, just last night,
396
00:17:33,775 --> 00:17:35,675
told me that she thinks women
397
00:17:35,676 --> 00:17:39,112
should make 90 cents
to the dollar, tops!
398
00:17:39,113 --> 00:17:41,281
Yeah? So? Yeah?
399
00:17:41,282 --> 00:17:45,218
In middle school,
Paul Ryan made a clay boob!
400
00:17:45,219 --> 00:17:47,086
Yeah, yeah, yeah? So?!
401
00:17:47,087 --> 00:17:49,422
I was gonna...
tell everyone, anyway!
402
00:17:49,423 --> 00:17:52,525
Ya-hoo!
Go on! Get 'em, Nancy!
403
00:17:52,526 --> 00:17:54,460
Go get McConnell!
Get him now!
404
00:17:54,461 --> 00:17:56,229
Go on! Git!
[humming]
405
00:17:56,230 --> 00:18:00,706
[man] He's got a banjo!
[all screaming]
406
00:18:00,741 --> 00:18:04,770
? Three white people
rocking out in Washington ?
407
00:18:04,921 --> 00:18:09,959
And welcome back to Fox News'
Rockin' Washington Shutdown!
408
00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:13,696
With performances by Travis
Tritt's brother, Lonnie Tritt,
409
00:18:13,797 --> 00:18:16,731
and the Eliminate the
Estate Tax Junior Dancers.
410
00:18:16,732 --> 00:18:19,668
And I'm being told that
Fox News' fireworks guy
411
00:18:19,669 --> 00:18:23,672
is unavailable because he is,
indeed, uh, Lonnie Tritt.
412
00:18:23,673 --> 00:18:26,508
So instead, we'll use our mouths
to make firework sounds.
413
00:18:26,509 --> 00:18:29,244
[all] Three, two, one!
414
00:18:29,245 --> 00:18:30,712
[imitating firework sounds]
415
00:18:30,713 --> 00:18:32,513
- Blue, yellow, green!
- Boom, bang! Wow!
416
00:18:33,424 --> 00:18:35,717
All you had to do was call
Congressional leaders,
417
00:18:35,718 --> 00:18:39,187
and we'd be fine, but you
just had to have your fun.
418
00:18:39,188 --> 00:18:41,555
Well, maybe if you ever
did something for me!
419
00:18:41,556 --> 00:18:43,591
Everything I do is for you.
420
00:18:43,592 --> 00:18:46,761
Who had your back when you
accidentally called a war widow
421
00:18:46,762 --> 00:18:49,230
thinking it was Grubhub
and yelled at her
422
00:18:49,231 --> 00:18:51,031
for not bringing enough
blue-cheese dressing?
423
00:18:51,032 --> 00:18:55,202
You suffocated me!
"No TV, Mr. President! No golf!
424
00:18:55,203 --> 00:18:57,838
Miss Universe contestants
aren't foreign dignitaries!"
425
00:18:57,839 --> 00:19:00,274
You won't let me do anything!
I hate you!
426
00:19:00,275 --> 00:19:02,836
- You don't mean that.
- Yes, I do!
427
00:19:02,871 --> 00:19:05,045
I hate you!
I hate you! I hate you!
428
00:19:05,046 --> 00:19:07,714
[door slamming]
429
00:19:07,715 --> 00:19:09,616
[panting]
430
00:19:09,617 --> 00:19:14,560
Oh, God. Come on, Donald.
You got two more in you.
431
00:19:14,956 --> 00:19:18,358
All right. One more,
and your point is made.
432
00:19:18,359 --> 00:19:20,193
[groans]
433
00:19:20,194 --> 00:19:22,017
I hate you.
434
00:19:22,052 --> 00:19:26,299
[music]
435
00:19:26,900 --> 00:19:30,436
[President Trump]
Protesters, evil generals,
436
00:19:30,437 --> 00:19:32,972
toilets that can't flush
empty McDonald's bags ...
437
00:19:32,973 --> 00:19:35,074
I hate the White House!
438
00:19:35,075 --> 00:19:37,042
- Where to, sir?
- The only place where I can
439
00:19:37,043 --> 00:19:40,312
tell someone to do something
and they do it, no matter what.
440
00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:43,215
[man] Hey, yeah,
could I get the number 2...?
441
00:19:43,216 --> 00:19:45,450
Ohh!
[man screams]
442
00:19:45,451 --> 00:19:47,953
Do you guys have lasagna?!
443
00:19:47,954 --> 00:19:49,789
- No.
- I see it on the menu!
444
00:19:49,790 --> 00:19:52,424
Uh, we saw you
tape that up there, sir.
445
00:19:52,425 --> 00:19:54,393
Why don't you
just do what I say?!
446
00:19:54,394 --> 00:19:57,162
Is that General Kelly in there?
Ugh! Okay, fine.
447
00:19:57,163 --> 00:19:59,898
You put me down for nine
gravy packets while I decide.
448
00:19:59,899 --> 00:20:02,233
Ohh! Ooh!
What the...?
449
00:20:02,234 --> 00:20:05,136
The protestors.
How did they find me?
450
00:20:05,137 --> 00:20:08,340
- Seatbelts. Aah!
- McMasters, if I don't make it,
451
00:20:08,341 --> 00:20:10,842
tell my gravy packets I love them!
452
00:20:10,843 --> 00:20:13,411
[protestors screaming]
453
00:20:13,412 --> 00:20:16,514
[President Trump] I hate to admit
this, but I'm starting to think
454
00:20:16,515 --> 00:20:19,918
this whole situation ...
maybe, just maybe ...
455
00:20:19,919 --> 00:20:21,419
is all your fault.
456
00:20:21,951 --> 00:20:22,787
[music]
457
00:20:22,788 --> 00:20:24,989
[slurps]
458
00:20:24,990 --> 00:20:26,457
[Ryan] You miss him, don't you?
459
00:20:26,458 --> 00:20:29,126
Democratic Senator from
Vermont Patrick Leahy.
460
00:20:29,127 --> 00:20:31,762
I was sure we'd be bros to the end.
461
00:20:31,763 --> 00:20:35,533
- What happened with you two?
- What always happens, Paul.
462
00:20:35,534 --> 00:20:37,868
Talk radio found out
about our friendship.
463
00:20:37,869 --> 00:20:42,440
- Washington happened.
- What you had was real, Mitch.
464
00:20:42,441 --> 00:20:46,009
And what we had with Nancy
and Chuck, that was real, too.
465
00:20:46,010 --> 00:20:47,211
- Ohh!
- Grow up, kid!
466
00:20:47,212 --> 00:20:49,313
This isn't a sleep-away camp.
467
00:20:49,314 --> 00:20:52,349
Huh... You and your open
palm are right, Mitch.
468
00:20:52,350 --> 00:20:56,387
I still have a lot of growing to do.
[music]
469
00:20:56,888 --> 00:20:59,689
? Growing up, boy, it's the pits ?
470
00:20:59,690 --> 00:21:02,525
? But I'm not longer 46 ?
471
00:21:02,526 --> 00:21:05,462
? So it's time to be a man ?
472
00:21:05,463 --> 00:21:08,531
? In Washington ?
473
00:21:08,532 --> 00:21:11,067
? In Washington ?
474
00:21:11,068 --> 00:21:13,703
? Growing up, I had my doubts ?
475
00:21:13,704 --> 00:21:16,739
? But now McMaster's
all passed out ?
476
00:21:16,740 --> 00:21:19,742
? And it's time to be a man ?
477
00:21:19,743 --> 00:21:23,212
? In Washington ?
478
00:21:23,213 --> 00:21:26,382
? Growing brains,
it's not so hard ?
479
00:21:26,383 --> 00:21:29,185
? Just get a sample
from a dog ?
480
00:21:29,186 --> 00:21:32,154
? And put it in a liquid vat ?
481
00:21:32,155 --> 00:21:35,919
? Of oxygen ?
482
00:21:36,214 --> 00:21:38,894
? Don't let this term
become your last ?
483
00:21:38,895 --> 00:21:41,764
? Give up your friends
for donor cash ?
484
00:21:41,765 --> 00:21:44,666
Together:
Growing up, it's hard to do
485
00:21:44,667 --> 00:21:50,667
? But it's easier with you ?
486
00:21:51,376 --> 00:21:53,741
[music]
487
00:21:53,742 --> 00:21:56,378
Come on.
Let's go make women's access
488
00:21:56,379 --> 00:21:58,613
to vital healthcare impossible.
489
00:21:58,614 --> 00:22:02,060
[sirens wailing,
fire-engine horn blares]
490
00:22:02,285 --> 00:22:05,453
General Kelly!
How did you find us?
491
00:22:05,454 --> 00:22:08,255
You're the President in
an upside-down Air Force One
492
00:22:08,256 --> 00:22:10,057
in a fast-food drive-through.
493
00:22:10,058 --> 00:22:13,360
It's the most photographed
event in human history.
494
00:22:13,361 --> 00:22:16,230
Wow. Even in an upside-down
plane, I'm still prisoner
495
00:22:16,231 --> 00:22:18,265
to the media's judging gaze.
496
00:22:18,376 --> 00:22:21,012
We said some...
things back there,
497
00:22:21,013 --> 00:22:23,914
but people are pretty upset
about this government shutdown.
498
00:22:23,915 --> 00:22:26,083
I know ... you're
the big man in charge.
499
00:22:26,084 --> 00:22:29,253
You've got the longest tie in the room.
[straw slurping]
500
00:22:29,254 --> 00:22:30,854
And you don't need to do
anything you don't want to do.
501
00:22:30,855 --> 00:22:33,490
But I really think you
should get back to work.
502
00:22:33,491 --> 00:22:35,992
Can I watch a few hours of TV first?
503
00:22:35,993 --> 00:22:38,362
Government shutdown, sir.
They turned off your cable.
504
00:22:38,363 --> 00:22:40,764
President Trump racing
back to Washing-ton [music]
505
00:22:40,765 --> 00:22:42,699
to hammer out a budget deal.
506
00:22:42,700 --> 00:22:44,834
We're told the only hiccup
is his head
507
00:22:44,835 --> 00:22:47,370
contains four gallons of blood
and milkshake
508
00:22:47,371 --> 00:22:50,506
and his feet are so drained,
they're basically flippers.
509
00:22:50,507 --> 00:22:52,776
All right, I'm back.
Skip the boring stuff.
510
00:22:52,777 --> 00:22:54,678
Where do I sign to
get TV working again?
511
00:22:54,679 --> 00:22:57,280
We're in a fight, and the
Republicans started it
512
00:22:57,281 --> 00:23:00,883
- with their ridiculous proposals!
- No! Chuck started it.
513
00:23:00,884 --> 00:23:04,087
Boys! Obviously, it's whoever
started it's fault,
514
00:23:04,088 --> 00:23:05,521
but let's be adults here.
515
00:23:05,522 --> 00:23:08,424
Be adults?
That's rich coming from you.
516
00:23:08,425 --> 00:23:10,759
You take that back, or
we're not friends anymore!
517
00:23:10,760 --> 00:23:12,127
- Screw you!
- Take a hike, will you?
518
00:23:12,128 --> 00:23:14,463
- I hate you!
- You're all Dumpster people!
519
00:23:14,464 --> 00:23:16,799
Knock it off!
You're all babies.
520
00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:18,968
Has anyone here gone to war?
521
00:23:18,969 --> 00:23:22,771
No, but I did play in a college
intramural Frisbee golf game
522
00:23:22,772 --> 00:23:26,308
that got pretty darn
physical, so I get it.
523
00:23:26,309 --> 00:23:27,443
If you had gone to war,
[music]
524
00:23:27,444 --> 00:23:31,079
you'd know that it doesn't matter
if you like your fellow soldiers.
525
00:23:31,080 --> 00:23:34,116
You'd have to grow the hell up
and work together
526
00:23:34,117 --> 00:23:36,751
because you're responsible for
something more important
527
00:23:36,752 --> 00:23:38,320
than yourselves ...
528
00:23:38,321 --> 00:23:40,822
turning the tide in Vietnam.
529
00:23:40,823 --> 00:23:43,725
- He's right.
- He makes a good point, doesn't he?
530
00:23:43,726 --> 00:23:46,293
- For Vietnam!
- And don't forget me!
531
00:23:46,294 --> 00:23:48,496
I'm also responsible for
something more important
532
00:23:48,497 --> 00:23:50,765
than me ...
the perception of me.
533
00:23:50,766 --> 00:23:53,267
So, what do you say
we make me look good?
534
00:23:53,268 --> 00:23:56,771
We are so proud to announce
that Congress has passed
535
00:23:56,772 --> 00:24:02,443
historic legislation to fund
the government for 15 more hours.
536
00:24:02,584 --> 00:24:05,653
[triumphant trumpet plays]
537
00:24:05,654 --> 00:24:08,756
You know, Mr. President,
I kind of missed you.
538
00:24:08,757 --> 00:24:12,159
I realized I need someone to
order around, just as much
539
00:24:12,160 --> 00:24:14,895
as you need someone to resent
for ordering you around.
540
00:24:14,896 --> 00:24:16,664
[President Trump] Tremendous!
541
00:24:16,665 --> 00:24:18,265
In fact, you've worked so hard,
542
00:24:18,266 --> 00:24:22,735
you should take this weekend off
and spend it at KFC.
543
00:24:22,736 --> 00:24:25,839
Yes. Tremendous!
Great.
544
00:24:25,840 --> 00:24:30,243
Mr. President?
Oh, fuck.
545
00:24:30,244 --> 00:24:32,578
You can't hate me
more than I hate myself.
546
00:24:32,579 --> 00:24:37,883
- Mr. Presid-e-e-e-ent!
- [President Trump] See you next month, loser!
547
00:24:38,134 --> 00:24:42,505
['80s-style pop music plays]
Donald Trump is the president
548
00:24:42,506 --> 00:24:45,542
? Donald Trump
is the president ?
549
00:24:45,543 --> 00:24:48,211
? Is Donald Trump the president? ?
550
00:24:48,212 --> 00:24:50,046
? Yes, he is ?
551
00:24:50,047 --> 00:24:52,815
? Yes, he is,
we elected him president ?
552
00:24:52,816 --> 00:24:55,450
? Is Donald Trump the president? ?
553
00:24:55,451 --> 00:24:57,019
? Yes, he is ?
554
00:24:57,020 --> 00:24:59,989
? We had a vote
and elected him president ?
555
00:24:59,990 --> 00:25:05,990
? Donald Trump is the president ?
556
00:25:06,730 --> 00:25:08,463
? Donald Trump ?
557
00:25:08,464 --> 00:25:12,568
? He is our president ?
558
00:25:12,569 --> 00:25:16,238
? We made him president ?
559
00:25:16,239 --> 00:25:18,207
? We did it ?
560
00:25:18,208 --> 00:25:21,410
? Donald Trump is the president ?
561
00:25:21,411 --> 00:25:25,046
? We elected Donald Trump ?
562
00:25:25,047 --> 00:25:28,817
? Donald Trump
is the president ?
563
00:25:28,818 --> 00:25:32,220
? Donald Trump is the president ?
564
00:25:32,221 --> 00:25:36,157
? Yeah ?
565
00:25:36,388 --> 00:25:37,680
Trump!
566
00:25:39,353 --> 00:25:45,080
567
00:25:45,130 --> 00:25:49,680
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