Original subtitles

l got your paperwork, Dr. Fleischman.

Hey, Ed, thank you.

Just put it right down there. Thank you.

Ruth-Anne says l can help you some more, too.

Well, if it's really important.

lmportant?

Well, Johns Hopkins School of Medicine is behind this clinical study.

ls that important enough for you?

This is Johns Hopkins, as in,

''Sorry, Mr. Fleischman, plebeians need not apply here."

Check this out.

Some of the same people who turned me down for med school

happen to be on the committee that chose Cicely for this particular study.

l mean, they could have chose a hundred other towns, right?

l mean, they could have chose any other town, but they chose this one. Why?

l'll tell you why. Because of my exhaustive database, that's why.

So can these things really keep you from getting a cold?

Well, l mean, we don't know that. That's why we're running the test.

See, half the town will get the medication, half will get the placebo,

and then we'll see if there's any statistical differences.

That'll tell us.

Very tricky. Yeah.

So, who gets the real ones?

Luck of the draw.

All right, look, here's what l need you to do.

First just put the caps on top of the vials, all right?

Marilyn's uncle threw a rod. His four-by, actually,

so l'm gonna go pick her up, all right?

Just don't let anyone near those pills.

Sure thing, Dr. Fleischman.

Thanks, Ed.

(MEOWlNG)

Bartholomew, you're not supposed to be in here.

Bartholomew, come here. Come here.

Good kitty. Good.

(EXCLAlMS)

(MEOWlNG)

All right.

Come on. Here we go.

(BLEATlNG)

Come on.

MAN: Hey. Hey!

(TlRE EXPLODlNG)

(EXCLAlMlNG)

Rise and shine, all you KBHR ptarmigan-heads.

Chris here with the breakfast waffles.

Message of the day.

Every coin has at least two sides,

behind every great pro look for the con,

yin and yang another man's meat, blah, blah, blah.

You know the drill.

At least some of us are gonna be spared the indignities of another cold season.

Billboard alert. Dr. Joel and his able assistant, Marilyn,

are gonna be dispensing a new experimental medication

which promises to help slay that multi-armed hydra

we've come to know as the common cold.

Just hope you're not one of the 50% of the volunteers

who is gonna end up shooting blanks.

l want to introduce a very special friend of mine.

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Esau!

(lN HlGH VOlCE) Thanks, Chris.

l appreciate the chance to do the Cathy Lee thing with you this week.

l should explain to my KBHR audience that Esau is a dummy.

Well, l say that without a hint of derisiveness.

Term of choice these days, Chris, is Wooden American,

but l'm comfortable with dummy.

l picked up Esau on a recent trip to Fairbanks in a toy store.

l couldn't resist that cherubic smile,

the old soul behind those twinkling azure eyes.

The 40% markdown.

ESAU: Relax, Chris. You're pressing.

CHRlS: All right, l know what you're thinking.

Ventriloquism on the radio.

lt's just a cut above pantomime and close-up magic

in the kit bag of useless skills, right?

But the fact is, it's one of Chris' few, if not only, natural talents.

Something he's been pining to do for years.

Yeah, it's good to see a ventriloquist act

that doesn't go straight for the wood jokes.

Ah, what can l say? They go against my grain. Okay.

But l would like to take issue just a tad

with all that yin-yang, life's a coin toss stuff.

l don't buy it for a minute. You don't?

Golly, no, Chris.

The way l see it, there's the truth, there are lies.

There's messing up, and there's doing the right thing.

Well, that might work for Wooden Americans, Esau,

but l for one am leery of moral compasses. l mean, absolutes.

At the end of the day, who are we to judge?

We're human, that's what.

You are, anyway.

And gosh, what could be more human than making judgments

and sticking by your guns?

Well, l think what's human is seeing life in all its confounding complexity.

Raising up your hands and saying,

hey, there might not be any answers.

Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris, Chris.

l was whittled alongside someone a lot like you.

Talk about the chronically indecisive.

This blockhead still thinks the jury's out on Beta versus VHS.

Twenty minutes with this sap, you're ready to give him a good shellacking.

JOEL: Okay, here's your pills for the first 20-day cycle.

Just take one every morning, okay?

Now, is that on an empty stomach or having had?

Best to always eat something, yeah.

Hey, Ed, what kind of a line we got out there?

Oh, it's thinning. Dr. Fleischman, l was wondering...

Don't worry, you're temporary staff.

Here you go. No, l can't tell you.

Well, what l was wondering is,

if two of our patients

switched medications,

well, could that...

Would that be toxic?

No, no. Definitely not.

Good.

l mean, it would certainly invalidate them from the study.

A sample this size, a couple of incidents like that

would definitely skew the results.

Why?

Oh, nothing.

l was just wondering.

Thanks for the pills.

l guess inviting a man to our women's group does require a little explanation.

Everyone, this is Roger Brewster.

Now, l'm like the last one to go for something like this,

but after l tried his product, l just had to share it with the rest of you. l...

Well, you're not alone, Maggie.

Over a quarter million sold in North America alone.

Right.

So before we get down to Jean Shinoda Bolen's Goddesses in Everywoman,

l thought perhaps, you know, he could make his presentation.

Sorry, guys.

Miranda went through the last of the clean dipes.

Had to run out for disposables.

And who might this be?

Me?

l might be Shelly Tambo-Vincouer.

l thought we were gonna talk about goddess stuff.

RUTH-ANNE: Roger's a salesman.

What are you selling?

Me?

l like to call it the one-hour vacation.

He sells Jacuzzis.

Whirlpools, actually. Jacuzzi's a trade name.

And my units pack more wallop, bubble for bubble.

Seriously, let me ask you all something.

What's the number one killer in the world today?

Famine.

Actually, l was thinking of stress.

Tension literally melts away.

Shelly, you look like a show-me kind of gal.

l do? ROGER: Come on, now, don't be shy.

Our hostess, Ms. O'Connell, has graciously allowed me

to set up one of the units in her tub.

Shall we?

Ladies, l give you the lnsta-Spa Model 2000.

You're looking at 1 .5 horses,

snorting through 7 10 strategically placed therapeutic pinholes.

Lock down handrails, Roman pillow,

dial-a-flow jets, topside controls.

A personal paradise for one.

lsn't it perfect?

lt's like a hot tub but without all that boring conversation.

Shelly, why don't you stick your feet in there?

Come on, tell us how it feels.

(GASPlNG) ROGER: Attagirl. Now, don't be shy.

(MOANlNG)

lt's like you've died and gone to heaven, isn't it?

Sprinkle in a few scented granules,

deliciously reminiscent of Giorgio,

and tell the world to take a hike.

(MOANlNG)

Now, whether you order one or not,

l would like you all to take with you

a complimentary basket of personal care products,

courtesy of me and lnsta-Spa.

MARlLYN: Thank you.

Ah, it looks like l'm one short.

Hey, no big.

No, Shelly, l'm gonna have to come up with something extra special for you.

(KNOCKlNG)

Hello, Joel.

Hey, Maurice. How you doing?

Nice cover story.

You know, that common cold gambit

makes the results all the more valid when they start flooding in, right?

What? Come on, Joel. l'm not a child.

l mean, you know and l know

that, that cold business is a lot of hooey.

Why don't we call it what it is?

You want data, l'll give you data.

Last night, at 2300, l made my usual trek down to the sub-zero.

But instead of nuking a yakitory appetizer,

and then following that up with a bowl of Cherry Garcia,

l went for a humble pippin. And then this morning at The Brick,

l even passed by a genuine Vermont Maple.

So, what you're trying to tell me is that you think

the pills have some kind of appetite suppressant in them?

Joel, l know there's an appetite suppressant.

l just thought you might like to share the particulars with me.

l can't tell you whether or not you're even on the medication, okay?

Now, l will certainly note the side effects for the record,

but that's all l can and will do.

(CHUCKLlNG) What am l talking about?

l know you've got confidences to keep.

Just give me the name, okay?

Look,

please, all right. No offense. l have a conference call to Baltimore,

and l really should be prepping for it, okay?

lt's refreshing to see a man stand by the code, even under pressure.

lt shows moxie.

(KNOCKlNG ON DOOR)

Hi, there, Shelly.

Oh, it's you.

l brought you something.

Black Sabbath. Bootleg. Recorded it myself at the Cow Palace.

l'm a humungous Sabbath fan. How'd you know?

l'm a salesman.

l make my living reading people. Mind if l come in?

l hope you've got Dolby, though, on your tape deck. There's some hiss on that.

Oh, l'm sorry, l gotta 86 you. l got a gazillion things to do.

Oh, l thought maybe we could just talk for a minute.

Look, Mr. Brewster...

Roger.

You know,

a woman like you can really bring out the devil in a man...

Hey! Watch it, dude!

l'm sorry. That was inexcusable.

Sorry doesn't cut it. My squeeze is right there in the shower!

And even if he wasn't... Shelly, l'm sorry.

Out!

You heard me, beat it!

Out!

So, Ed, how do you like them lvy League speedballs?

What? You know, the experimental pills from Johns Hopkins.

Holling says that Maurice says they're some kind of a stimulant.

Oh. All l know is, l split enough wood

to fill half a railcar this morning and my pecs aren't even sore.

Hi, fellas.

How's it hanging?

Something wrong, Ed?

Oh, l don't know. l just got a bit of an Arctic blast.

You know, hoppers can do that.

lt cuts off the blood to your toes.

ED: Oh.

lf you gentlemen will excuse me?

Shelly, just give me two seconds.

Why don't you go soak your head in one of your tubs?

l blew it, okay. l just want to make it right.

Hit the road, Jack. That's how you can make it right.

Just tell me your biggest fantasy.

Get a new line, will you?

No, not that kind of fantasy.

Come on, really.

What would make you happier than anything else in the world?

You just don't know when to quit, do you?

Your heart's dream. What would it be?

Come on, Shelly, please.

lf l tell you, will you get out of my face?

Hey, Scout's honor.

Ultimo fantasy.

No holds barred, no fine print.

lt's a big universe out there, Shelly, and it's all at your command.

So, what'll it be?

Eternal youth? The ability to become invisible?

Power beyond reckoning?

l wish the State of Alaska would legalize gambling.

Like Las Vegas, you know?

And The Brick would become this heavy-duty casino.

This place, a casino?

Okay. Works for me.

(WHlSTLlNG)

Will you look at that? Well, well, well, opportunity knocks.

(CHUCKLlNG)

You seen the news out of Klawok?

Klawok?

A local Tlingit leader just got the state to sanction

lower 48 casino-style gambling.

First crack in the dam wall.

What's that got to do with you?

Well, my attorney in Anchorage used to be a member

of the New Jersey Gaming Commission.

According to him, the Borough of Arrowhead could qualify

for a gambling exemption under Title 20.

Legalized gambling?

Yeah. A man can hope, can't he?

(CHUCKLlNG)

Okay, thank you, caller.

lt's amazing how you tied up Marv's problems of dependency and Helen's issues

of narcissism into a M. Scott Peck-Jiminy Cricket ragout kind of a thing.

How do you do that, Esau?

l've got the easy job, Chris. l speak from the heart.

You're the one who has to take that treacherous detour through the superego.

Well, okay.

Next caller, you're on the air with Chris and Esau in the Morning.

Hi, Chris. Connie Grippo.

Hey, Connie. What's up?

You know, Esau, how you were saying we wouIdn't have haIf the probIems we do

if everyone just did what they knew was right?

Just one dummy's opinion.

WeII, I couIdn't agree with you more, but what if you aren't sure what's right?

Welcome to the real world, Connie.

What's the issue, darling?

I just finished a redo on my tenant's kitchen.

I even roIIed the rent back 'cause they just had a baby.

Now, nothing in the Iaw says a IandIord has to provide a carbon monoxide detector,

but for 100 bucks I couId give them that extra margin of safety.

Well, that's a tough one, Connie. l think we all sleep a little better at night

knowing we've gone the extra mile on the road to responsibility.

But where does it stop?

l mean, life doesn't come with an extended warranty.

How do l know l'm not gonna get turned into a road slick

the next time l'm tooling down the Alcan by an oncoming Kenworth?

What do you think, Esau?

Buy them the detector, Connie.

Next caller, you're live on KBHR.

RUTH-ANNE: This was awfully nice, you putting on a barbecue for us.

Well, l just wanted to let you ladies know how much l appreciate

the old-fashioned hospitality.

Not to mention two big orders for the lnsta-Spa.

Well, l hope the instructions are not in Mandarin.

l had a dehydrator like that.

(WHlSTLlNG)

l don't know how you do it.

My idea of pure hell is traveling with a goat.

lt is hell. On the upholstery.

Ruth-Anne, would you mind taking over?

Just give the coals a good dousing every so often.

Sure.

Well, hi, there.

You knew about that gambling exemption, didn't you?

Part of the job.

So l suppose if gambling really does come to Alaska,

you're going to take credit for it.

Well, it seems only fair.

Just who do you think you are?

Satan.

Satan? The Devil.

Lucifer. Prince of Darkness.

They all ring a little hollow without the pyrotechnics,

but trust me, l'm the real deal.

The Devil's a spa salesman?

That's what you're telling me?

Yeah, it's a hard new reality out there.

Ever since Prozac.

The stuff Edna Hancock takes?

Not just Prozac. The whole new family of bicyclic antidepressants.

You know, the thing is, they actually work.

Black thoughts are down at an alarming percentage,

particularly in your Western industrialized societies.

And you cause bad thoughts in people's heads?

Cause them? No, no, no.

You know that old saw, ''An idle mind is the Devil's workshop?''

Well, Prozac is kicking the poo out of us there.

l mean, you still got your ethnic cleansing,

your disgruntled postal workers, intentional famines in ever increasing numbers,

but l can't run an operation the size and scope of mine

on Commandment Six and Ten violations alone.

So you come to Cicely, Alaska?

Couldn't resist you gals.

All that swirling estrogen.

(EXCLAlMlNG)

You know what your problem is?

Low self-esteem.

Rickie Lake devoted a whole week to it.

You're so down on yourself, you'll say anything to feel more important.

Shelly... Roger, what you're doing to yourself is really bad

and really sad.

SHELLY: Hey, Ruth-Anne, awesome...

But l am the Devil.

Howdy, Chris.

Hey, Walt.

Listen, l'm having some folks over for dinner Friday.

My old trading partner from my Salomon Brothers days is gonna be in town.

Gonna thaw the last of those mammoth steaks. Love to have you.

Me? Really? You bet.

Okay. Wow! Yeah, Walt.

l'll bring a cheesecake. Some vino?

Just make sure you got the little fellow. Esau?

l've been telling my guests he'll be there.

See you.

Okay.

''The personification of evil,

''all that is swirling, dark,

''unresolved and untamed in our souls.

''The corrupter of the heart."

(GASPlNG)

Oh, sorry, Shel.

Didn't mean to scare you. Just putting the Vidalias away.

Do you believe in the Devil?

Pretty much, Shelly.

You know, Leonard, he says you can't have a tug of war

with no one at the other end of the rope.

Do you think he could just be a guy who walks around and looks like a normal person?

You mean Mr. Brewster?

Did he tell you, too?

Well, all the pieces fit, Shelly.

ED: What? What is it?

This picture.

lt's almost like it's staring at me.

Wait a minute.

SHELLY: Wow!

You know, l loaded a full cord of wood and l'm not even winded.

(CHUCKLlNG) Well, obviously it's that wonder drug Joel's working on over there.

lt'd be nice to have a lifetime supply of that, wouldn't it?

Oh, l'd settle for arthritis season.

Yeah.

Oh, well, by the time the FDA gets through messing around and approves it,

we'll be too old to enjoy it, anyway.

However, a man who has my connections with the Swiss pharmaceutical industry,

all l'd need would be a formula.

You could have it made up?

Sure. Yeah. ln bulk.

But Fleischman over there

won't give me anything but his name, rank and serial number.

You know, l'm just flying by the seat of my pants here,

but, in theory,

l believe a man could waltz in there, get the skinny on that,

and get out without anybody being the wiser.

Are you with me there, Hayden?

You want me to break into Dr. Fleischman's office?

Oh, l never said that. Not in those words.

Maurice, l hate getting caught at stuff.

Oh, sure you do. l understand.

But l've noticed you casting a kind of an avid eye

on some of the equipment there in my workshop.

Let's see, what was it?

Oh, yeah, it was that telescoping ladder that l have.

Oh, please, Maurice. No.

Oh, it's a nice ladder. Twelve and a half feet... Oh.

lt all folds down to two feet, fit in your trunk,

meets all the OSHA standards, approved for up to 300 pounds.

Okay.

(CHUCKLlNG)

(CAR HONKlNG)

Holling?

HOLLING: Let's give a warm weIcome to Shecky Greene!

Holling? Holling!

(CROWD APPLAUDlNG)

GREENE: WeII, gang, here we are in CiceIy,

but not the SiciIy they promised me.

My agent caIIed me, says you're going to CiceIy. I got so excited.

I was going to ItaIy. I got reIatives in ItaIy.

But I came here, to CiceIy, AIaska.

Instead of spaghetti and meatbaIIs I got spaghetti and snowbaIIs.

(AUDlENCE LAUGHlNG)

Some guy stuck about $25,000 at the crap tabIe.

Pit boss says, ''You want to see a funny kid tonight?''

Guy says, ''Yeah, my bus don't Ieave for another haIf hour yet."

Pit boss says, ''You're taking a bus home?''

He says, ''No, I'm gonna Iie under it when it puIIs up."

And couId I teII you something eIse about this pIace up here?

RemarkabIe music.

They don't Iisten to music at aII. CoIe Porter...

(PEOPLE SHOUTlNG)

They got songs Iike...

(SINGING)

I want to go home to Nome That's a city in AIaska

Dr. Fleischman's asking for another 1,000 above his line.

Should we give it to him?

Uh... l think he's good for it.

Thanks for being with me.

(PEOPLE CHEERlNG)

That was terrific! Let's give a big round of appIause for Shecky Greene!

And now the act I know a Iot of you have been waiting for,

the internationaI sensation that started right here in our own humbIe hamIet.

PIease give a big weIcome to Esau and Chris!

(CROWD APPLAUDlNG)

Hey, hey. All right!

Thank you, Holling. Beautiful introduction.

WeII, it's so good to be back in CiceIy after aII this time.

A Iot of famiIiar faces out there. What did I teII you, Esau?

Nothing Iike a hometown crowd.

Yeah. Reminds me of the night I pIayed to 12,000 board feet

in the big room at the sawmiII.

CHRIS: (LAUGHING) But seriousIy, foIks...

Hey, don't touch anything. Someone had the chutzpah to break in here last night.

Huh? Yeah. Look, the window.

l mean, if that's not amateurishly pried open, l don't know what is.

And look at this.

Whoever it was just tracked mud all through in here, but l think l am onto them.

Look at this.

Check this out.

lt's dirt, right?

Caked.

Obviously dropped from the sole of a sneaker or work boot, right?

All we have to do is match it with a honeycomb sole and we got the miscreant cold.

When we do, believe me, l guarantee

l'm going to have this person publicly pilloried. Guarantee it.

Did they take anything?

Well, nothing that l've found so far.

Hmm. They just wanted to look at the experiment records.

Oh, yeah. You think so?

People want to know what's causing the changes.

You know, this side-effects hysteria has gotten completely out of hand.

That is all this is, is hysteria.

My mom's ankles don't swell as much since she started the prescription.

All right, this sucker doesn't have a prayer.

Undoubtedly, they left their paw prints all over everything.

The light switch. l'll bet this person was stupid enough to touch it.

Watch this.

Just observe.

All l have to do is waft the iodine underneath it.

The vapors respond to the fat residue left behind.

ln a few minutes, it'll turn brown.

Sebaceous prints are always better than aqueous.

lt was Hayden Keyes.

And he never turned the light on.

How do you know it was Hayden?

He dropped his matches.

You know what l did today for the first time in my life, Shelly?

Huh?

The complete Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle.

lt was a bit dicey at first, but once l got past ''Pablo Neruda''

and ''consubstantiation'' l was home free.

That's nice, Holling.

Of course l don't know whether it was the pills or not,

but l can't think of anything else l've been doing differently.

Table six needs some coffee. Decaf, not regular.

Coffee?

You betcha.

So, what did you think?

Think about what?

Okay, maybe we could've opened with Ann Jillian,

and the sound system needs an upgrade, but, you know, all in all?

Oh! Oh, man.

This is too weird.

Well, did you like it or not?

l...

lt was down.

lt was fly. lt was everything l could have hoped for and more.

So, we got a deal.

Deal?

Yeah, that's right.

You have to do something for me,

although it's hardly what you'd call a great sacrifice.

Don't you want to hear what it is?

Booty? Forget it.

Oh, no, no. l forgot myself the other day.

Oh, no, l haven't leaned on that one since...

Since Whitsuntide, 1562.

The chambermaids at Cardinal Montorelli's house.

Well, that's another story.

Shelly, it's really such a little thing l'm asking.

You know that bathrobe of Holling's?

The one you've tried to get him to throw away about a million times?

Yeah.

Burn it.

Burn Holling's robe?

Yep.

l don't get it.

Why would you make my swiftest dreams come true for a dog-meat bathrobe?

l know. l know. lt's like l was telling you.

l've been reduced to being the Monty Hall of dualistic theology.

So, that's it?

Just torch Holling's robe and everything, the casino,

the limo, the lights.

That'll all come true?

As big as life.

And if he asks you what happened to it,

you just tell him that you gave it to the Salvation Army.

You mean, lie.

Hey, give a little,

get a lot.

Hey, you seen Hayden? No.

Ah, there he is right there.

Hey! Hey!

Hey, Hayden, l see you!

lt wasn't my idea! lt was Maurice!

He bribed me!

What?

Hey, Shelly, what's the good word?

l've just been feeling really, really mixed up.

l thought maybe if l talked to someone about it.

Yeah, sure.

Do you think you can go to hell for burning a bathrobe?

Why don't you rainbow curve that one by me one more time?

Holling's got this super grody bathrobe that he's really attached to.

What would happen if l burned it

and told him Salvation Army took it by mistake?

Well, l think Holling could flip if he's really into it.

l mean, l got a bandanna that l'd mourn.

Maybe it'd be the best thing for him, though. You know, beat that dependency,

imprint the neural pathways.

But do you think l'd get eternally damned for it?

Well, let's weigh the sin.

l mean, what's a robe? lt's a schmaltz, it's a fashion kibble.

But on the other hand, maybe it's not about the robe at all.

No?

No, maybe what it's really about is connubial infrastructure.

Trust and honesty. The age-old quest

of Diogenes in a post-Milken universe.

So do l go to hell or not?

Yes.

No.

Maybe.

What's your idea of hell?

Forget it, okay?

What?

All l wanted was a simple yes or no,

but you talk about everything but.

Why can't you just cut to the chase once in a while like your pal Esau does?

At least you know where he stands. Thanks, anyway.

l was just coming to look for you.

l know all about it. You got some nerve, don't you?

How dare you!

Oh, me, huh? Me?

Wait a minute, you bribe someone to commit a felony, and you're talking about me?

Let me tell you something, you didn't just mess with me,

you messed with Johns Hopkins University.

So, you know those plans you've always had for the Minnifield Library?

Well, just kiss those goodbye, okay, because their reach goes way beyond Oklahoma.

This is a new low, even for you, Fleischman.

Wait a minute. You vandalize my property, you expect me to feel guilty?

You have the unmitigated gall to slip me a placebo and then sit back and watch me

like l'm some mindless gerbil running around in its cage,

convinced he's crossing the Rubicon. Oh, l don't believe this!

Vigilance! That is the keyword in boot camp from day one.

Well, l let my guard down for a friend.

l turned off my radar in the heat of battle.

Well, let me tell you something, pal of mine.

Try and make me a footnote in the New EngIand JournaI of Medicine,

l'll have my litigators crawling all over you like a hive of killer bees.

Oh, my...

(DOOR OPENlNG)

Chris, l gotta get something off my chest.

What's up?

l don't know. l probably really shouldn't even bother you.

Maybe you'd rather tell me.

Great. 'Cause, tell you the truth, l was getting kind of afraid to ask.

lt's about time.

You know how helpless it feels watching you boot routine grounders?

Hey, l got you on my knee, don't l?

Maybe l should come back.

No, please, Ed, l really want to help.

Oh, great.

'Cause l really need help. l did something horrible.

l got Dr. Fleischman's medication

all mixed up with the placebos, so nobody knows who's taking what.

Oh! That's a biggie, Ed. What were you thinking?

Well, l panicked.

l thought if no one found out...

Cat's out of the bag now.

Yeah, l really screwed up, huh?

Bigtime.

Hey, let's not be so hard on Ed. l mean,

you know, what'd you screw up, the first leg of a million-mile relay?

Aren't we being tested all the time?

Maybe the real test is seeing how we deal with an experiment gone bad, huh?

There you go again.

l'm just saying the act of analyzing data changes it.

l mean, if Heisenberg was uncertain, why are you so sure?

You better leave this to me.

Ed, you can't have your cake and eat it, too, can you?

l don't want any cake.

You're not a kid. You're 24 and a shaman in the rough.

You gotta face the music, bite the bullet, take your lumps.

Well, that sounds a little glib, Esau.

Who are you gonna listen to, me or the dummy?

l guess l should tell Dr. Fleischman.

Of course you gotta tell Dr. Fleischman.

Wonder when would be a good time.

No time like the present.

Right.

Well, thanks, Chris. l needed to hear that.

No problem, Ed.

Esau?

Walt, have you seen Esau?

Esau?

You didn't lose the little guy, did you?

Warm you up? Mmm-hmm.

Holling, have you seen anybody in here with Esau?

ls that who you're looking for?

Ruth-Anne.

What are you doing? l didn't tell you, you could take him.

Well, l just brought him home to sew up his sweater. He snagged it.

(SlGHS)

We thought we'd surprise you.

He does look better.

l got a show to do, you know.

You wouldn't like it if l bopped into your garage and took your truck for a spin

'cause, you know, l thought the carbs needed blowing out.

l'm sorry, all right?

l guess l should have asked you.

Well, yeah, you're right. You should have.

Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.

l'm sorry. l just went a little ballistic.

That's okay. See you later, Esau.

Bye, Ruthie.

Right.

No, well, that's...

Yeah, yeah. There's just two huge problems with the initial report.

A, you got half the sample group is convinced

that the drug has made them human dynamos.

And, B, the placebo is reporting side effects

at virtually the same levels as the drug.

l mean, it's literally as if someone had taken the results

and just tossed them all in the air.

Someone did.

No, no, l'm right here.

Actually, l'm gonna call you right back, okay?

l'm sorry, l will.

Yeah.

What'd you say?

The pills are all mixed up, Dr. Fleischman.

What?

The other day, when you went to go get Marilyn,

Bartholomew, he snuck in

and, well, l chased him around and the tables got knocked over.

Oh, my God, Ed. Oh, my God.

Yeah, l tried to get all the pills

and put them back together best l could, you know.

But, of course, they all look the same.

Guess that's the point, huh?

l really blew it, Dr. Fleischman.

That's it. lt's over. l mean, the clinical trial, it's over.

(STAMMERlNG) l mean, the whole study.

Oh, man.

l mean, this is gonna convince them

that every negative impression they ever had about me is true.

Boy, if he wasn't Johns Hopkins material then, he certainly isn't now.

l can just hear their tongues clucking 4,000 miles away.

Gonna be okay, Dr. Fleischman?

Yeah. l'll be fine.

(CRASHlNG)

(GLASS SHATTERlNG)

No. No.

This disciple, he comes up to Buddha and says,

''ls it true that right after you were born you said,

'l am the center of the universe'?''

And Buddha thinks for a minute and says,

''Don't all babies say that?''

(LAUGHlNG)

WALT: Didn't l tell you he was something?

Would you mind, Ruthie? There's a knot in my neck you wouldn't believe.

That's it. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

We could use a straight shooter like you in Congress right now.

What's one more dummy gonna do?

The man's got a point.

Anybody need a little refresher?

Just a couple of fingers more there, Walt, thanks.

But you know, folks, as flawed as things are out there,

l'd still stack them against any fantasy you can conjure.

Well, thanks for the outsider's perspective on humanity, Esau,

but l think... What are your fantasies, Esau?

Touring with the Crash Test Dummies?

Who needs fantasy?

l've got the best of everything right here.

l can have all the laughter and intellectual stimulation of an evening with friends,

but l don't have to worry about heartburn, or designated drivers,

or getting my feelings stepped on.

l'd wish l were a real boy if it didn't mean growing up to be a real man.

Hmm.

Well,

you must be getting tired, Esau. Let's give it a rest, huh?

He's a lot of fun, Chris.

Yeah, but you know, all kidding aside, Ruth-Anne,

Esau makes some very good points.

That whole Western Ptolemaic view of the world with the ego at its center,

you know, l think it's half the reason we've dug ourselves so deep. You know what l mean?

Oh, look at the time. l'm going to have to roll up my tent.

Hey, hey, Ruth-Anne, come on. We got a whole bottle of Petite Sirah here.

We haven't even opened it yet.

Forget the wine, son. l want to talk about polystyrene versus pine

in the dummy-making industry.

Why? ls that a controversial issue?

Genetic engineering? Don't get me started.

SHELLY: Mr. Brewster.

Mr. Brewster.

l'm glad l caught you.

l'm disappointed, Shelly.

l won't pretend l'm not.

Here. l can't keep this.

Yeah, l should have known.

First apartheid goes, now this.

l just wish l understood.

Why did you go after me? l'm nobody.

Gee, l thought l explained that.

You're my bread and butter, Shelly.

Look, say l get some corporate raider to suck up some company,

turn 3,000 employees out on the street.

Where's the victory there?

But if l can get somebody like you,

pure of heart,

to let her bumper stray over that white line just a little bit...

(EXCLAlMS)

You know that expression, ''God is in the details''?

Think so.

Well, it's a little bit like that for me.

What are you gonna do now?

Well, there's a lady over in Nipnuck

who's been clipping coupons out of her neighbor's newspaper.

Not much, but it's a lead.

Oh! l almost said, ''Good luck."

l almost said, ''Thanks."

Marilyn wasn't at her desk.

What is it?

l just thought maybe l could wash some windows.

l noticed they were kind of dirty.

Make up for what l did.

Whatever.

What are the mice for?

Well, l've been thinking of following up on an experiment l started in med school.

A relatively straight-forward question.

What are the effects of induced hyponatremia on the basal pons?

Just salt depletion on the brain.

Sounds important.

Yeah. Well, it isn't.

See, the beauty of it is that these guys don't threaten thirst strikes,

they don't trade medication,

and they definitely don't conspire to commit felonies, so...

Mice are good that way.

l guess l'll get to the windows.

Ed.

Yeah, Dr. Fleischman?

lf you want, you can fill that water bottle up for me.

All right.

Chris Stevens, flying solo once again, bidding a fond adieu

to my good friend, Esau.

Hope the next wayward soul who finds him

learns as much as l did from my brief but intense apprenticeship.

lt's funny all the qualities

that flow so naturally from Esau,

like water from a spring melt, are qualities that are in me.

And embracing them means embracing Esau's bIack and white worId

and turning my back on the rainbow,

and in one piercing note, drowned out the orchestra in one persuasive voice,

siIence a cIamoring chorus.

I don't know, Esau.

Maybe your cornpone pIatitudes and straight-from-the-hip answers

ring truer than my own fuzzy search for enIightenment.

But sometimes you just need the uncertainty.

If I ever figure out exactIy why,

I may just Iook you up.

Maybe then we'II have an act worth taking on the road, huh?

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