Original subtitles

(WOMAN) Hello, I'm calling from Steven Spielberg's office.

I'm looking for the writers

Hugh Davidson, Larry Dorf and Rachel Ramras.

Mr. Spielberg is wanting to meet with them

THIS WEDNESDAY AT 4:00 here at Amblin.

It's obviously time sensitive, so it would be great

if you could call me back, thank you.

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

Ethan! No...

No, I got this.

(PHONE RINGING)

(GROANS)

Hello?

(BRADLEY) Hugh, it's Bradley from Ethan Flaum's office.

Sorry, force of habit. It's Bradley, your agent.

I have a meeting for you.

It's a very big meeting, this Wednesday at, uh...

Let's see, where did I write down the time?

Uh, it doesn't matter, um, Bradley

because I am in Austin, Texas.

And I'm, uh, retired from the entertainment industry.

What if I told you that the person wanting the meeting

was Steven Spielberg?

Then I would say you're an idiot, Bradley.

'Cause you are an idiot.

And I'm sorry to use the word idiot, but I don't know

another word for you, Bradley.

So, I'm sorry again for using that word.

Don't call me again ever, please.

Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.

You're coming with us.

And why not you, little boner helper.

(PHONE VIBRATING)

Ah, United Way? More like "United Go Away."

(JEN) We're only a half-hour away, so...

don't hesitate to call for any reason.

Okay.

Hon, it's only one night.

I think we unplug and leave our phones at home.

Uh, I can't leave my phone at home, because we have children.

Right, okay, well...

I am gonna leave my phone at home.

For the simple reason

that this is a romantic staycation

with my lovely wife

paid for by the Newberry Cement Company. (CHUCKLING)

Are we good? We're all set?

Let the romance begin, huh?

Should I take my top off? (LAUGHS)

(SINGING)

_

Yes... okay.

(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)

(CELL PHONE MELODY PLAYS)

Oh, I'm so glad you called. That was so boring.

How was Lois this morning?

Uh, still upset.

She said she wants to sleep over here tonight, just FYI.

Well, maybe I can pick her up from school and we can talk.

Yeah, she'll be fine. How are you?

What do you mean?

Maybe swing by a news stand.

(RACHEL) "Mark-Paul Gosselaar surprised everyone when he arrived

at the Independent Film Awards with this Plain Jane.

Short-statured, middle-aged single mom, Rachel Ramras."

- Rachel, no one reads that stuff. - I read it!

I have a subscription to this! I love this magazine!

If that were written about anyone else I'd be eating it up.

Rachel, you can't listen to that stuff.

"Is Mark-Paul ready to be a stepdad?" It's garbage!

It's the world we live in.

It's not my world! It's your world!

Do you know what comes up when you Google Rachel Ramras?

It used to be nothing.

And now it's every unflattering photo

you could take of a person.

I'm kidding, okay, you know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna do you a favor.

I'm going to turn off your phone.

- No... - Yes.

It's just noise.

You gotta block out the noise!

You think a tiger loses sleep over the opinion of sheep?

- You are a tiger. You are. - I am?

(SNARLS, RACHEL LAUGHS)

- Hey, Mark-Paul? Oh, sorry, guys. - Hey.

That's all right.

We're gonna need you to come to stage.

- We're rehearsing scene 12. - Okay, yeah.

Oh, hey, is it okay if I leave work a little early today?

- Of course, do whatever you want. - Okay.

I wanted to take Lois out for a treat and maybe talk.

Is she still mad at me?

No! No-no-no.

Hey, this is Rachel! Sorry I missed you!

Leave me a message! (BEEP)

Hi, Rachel!

I know, you're technically Ethan's client.

And I know you already have a job,

but I have a really big meeting for you, Hugh and Larry.

It's Steven... (BEEP)

If you are satisfied with your message, press one.

To erase and rerecord press two.

(BEEP) Thank you, goodbye.

God dammit!

(DOOR CLOSES, LARRY GASPS)

No way!

Yes way.

Larry, this is too much.

Do you know the last time we stayed in a hotel?

It was three summers ago and our air conditioning broke.

And we had to stay in the Burbank Holiday Inn with Jack and Elliot.

- Yeah. - Tonight...

- My little... - (CHUCKLES)

- Beetle bug. - (CHUCKLING)

Is all about five star experiences.

- (TINKLES THE KEYS) - Ooh!

- A five star room... - (CHUCKLES)

- Five star dinner... - (PLAYS KEYS)

By the way, tonight's five star dinner will be in the room

with butler service.

This will all be followed up with five star lovemaking.

(PLAYS DRAMATIC MINOR CHORD)

Buhp-buhp-buhp-buhp!

I think we save it till after dinner.

Build up... anticipation.

It's always better if you wait.

I read that in "Men's Health."

(CHUCKLING) Are you sure?

- You always get too tired after dinner. - Not tonight.

Tonight, I'll be having coffee after dinner.

Ooh...

- Maybe even a little espresso. - Hmm...

So we can...

Larry, please don't do... Don't do that, don't.

??

I mean, you gotta be kidding me.

? I've been in love honey you ?

? Know it's true ?

? Whoa since that day ?

? I first laid ?

? My eyes on ya ?

? Love is a crazy game baby... ?

Rachel?

Hugh?

Lizzie... Martinez.

Oh, my... Lizzie!

- Hey! - Hi!

Uh, Marisol, this is my friend Hugh.

- Hi! - He was my boyfriend in sixth grade.

I was.

Uh, I bet I look exactly the same.

You look great.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Did you move to Austin?

I... I don't know.

Hey, well, what are you doing here?

I don't know.

I didn't realize I was asking such hard questions.

(CHUCKLING)

Are you married? Do you have kids?

Nope... no.

Okay, we're getting somewhere.

It's so crazy seeing you.

It's been 1,000 years.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Well, what are you doing tonight?

I was gonna make lasagna, and it's just the two of us...

Um, wow, I, uh...

Why don't I give you my number?

Do you have a phone?

Uh... yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

- Course I have a phone... - Okay, here.

? But its been pain now for so damn long ?

- Okay. - Ahh! Got it!

Okay, great!

- Okay. - Okay, yeah, so good seeing you.

Okay, bye. Bye!

? 'Cause I been so lonely ?

? Since you gone away ?

??

? Every day is pain ?

? In the end it's hard to see ?

? Every fateful day is oh ?

? So sad... ?

Uh, hey, uh, Lizzie?

Actually, I have moved to Austin

at least for the last two days.

And I would love to have dinner

with you and Marisol tonight.

Text me and I'll send you my info.

Okay, great, will do! Okay, see ya.

? I need you so bad ??

Hon, I think you're making too big a deal over Eric's report card.

He's only in the second grade.

(WRITERS LAUGHING)

Oh, really? Did you get a D in second grade?

Maybe D stands for �dynamite�?

(LAUGHING)

Hey, guys, can, uh, can we punch up that last line a little bit?

You can say, "Maybe D stands for 'dy-no-mite!'"

Like J.J. Walker on "Good Times."

And then Jen could give you a look.

And then you can say, "Or dynamite."

(WRITERS LAUGHING)

Uh, Jen asks if you got a D in second grade, and you're, like,

"No, but my dad got a DUI taking me to second grade."

(LAUGHING) I like that.

Or maybe when Jen's, like, "Did you get a D in second grade?"

You're, like, um, "Not the second time."

(LAUGHS) That's funny, that's clean, that's good.

You know, I don't know why I bother pitching.

He's always gonna go with her idea.

Guys, I'm so sorry, I have to run.

I have to pick my daughter up, I'm sorry.

Damn, I wish I was Mark-Paul Gosselaar's girlfriend.

Get all my jokes in, come and go whenever I want.

(MARCUS) Hey, Mark-Paul Gosselaar, I gotta go walk my dog.

But we sleeping together so it's cool.

I'm sorry, are you guys even trying to whisper

'cause I can hear everything you're saying.

I'm not trying to whisper.

Yeah, ain't nobody over here trying to whisper.

Oh... Watch out.

(LAUGHING)

(LIZZIE CHUCKLES)

So, what don't you like about L.A.?

Oh, I like L.A. well enough.

I think what I don't like

is being old and unsuccessful in L.A.

I think I would rather be old and unsuccessful in Texas.

- "Old and unsuccessful in Texas?" - Mm-hmm.

That should be your profile on your dating app.

I don't know that I'm there yet.

A-ha.

So you're getting over a broken heart.

Ah, lemme guess.

A tall, blonde, model.

Actually, a short, brunette, writer.

Hmm. Anyway, let us

talk about you, uh...

Last I remember you were a reporter

for the school newspaper. So, I assume by now,

you've been made editor-in-chief.

I'm a jewelry designer, mm-hmm.

Oh, wow!

You gotta make me one of those.

I'll make you one if you tell me more about this woman.

Why doesn't she love you?

Everyone loves Hugh.

(MARISOL) Mom, I'm starving!

You don't feed her?

Lizzie! Stop making jewelry for five seconds and feed your daughter.

Is it yummy?

You know, I bet if you wanted to sneak a little more they won't notice.

You want me to steal?

(CLEARS THROAT)

So... how's Miss Lois?

I don't like Mark-Paul, Mom.

And you shouldn't be bribing me with food.

I'm not bribing you with food.

I just thought you deserved a little treat.

Shouldn't I go home so I can get my homework done?

No, you're in third grade. Your homework doesn't matter.

Honey, I'm on your side. Okay? I am.

I know how much that must have hurt your feelings

when Mark-Paul didn't thank you.

And I'm not making excuses for him, okay, I'm not.

It's just... he's new to this and...

And I'll never like him, ever.

Babe, what is it about Mark-Paul that you don't like

besides what happened the other night?

He's not as good as Hugh.

(CELL PHONE PLAYS)

(MUSIC STOPS)

All, right, Bradley, it's time for Plan B.

I have no idea what Plan B is.

For appetizer course,

crab deviled eggs

and the oysters on the half shell.

(LAUGHS) I don't need both.

Oh, we need both. (CHUCKLING)

Moving into the mains...

We'll do the Fiorentina dry aged

40-ounce Porterhouse for two.

(CHUCKLES)

You get three sides...

No, I don't need any sides.

What is Funghi Misti?

You know what, just bring it.

I don't care what it is.

(CHUCKLING)

Let's also get into the creamed spinach.

And the creamy polenta.

That's a lot of cream.

The more cream the better.

Now let's talk liquor. Oh.

We're gonna do a bottle of this guy right down there.

Larry, that's a $250 bottle.

You're not worth it?

She thinks she's not worth it.

This is my wife, my beautiful wife.

I'm gonna make love to her tonight. Larry!

We're definitely gonna need a volcano cake.

Chocolate's an aphrodisiac. I read that in "Men's Health."

She still wants to sleep at Michael and Ethan's.

Huh, well, if we don't have Lois

then we should go to dinner.

I wanna hit that new sushi spot in Los Feliz.

I'm not going to dinner.

We need to talk. Uh-the magazine?

Come on, you really ought to let that stuff go.

I don't care about the magazine.

It's about Lois.

I'm sorry I didn't say thank you to her.

I feel awful, I do.

I tried to apologize. She wouldn't let me.

No, it's more than that.

She doesn't like me.

Um... I would love for you to disagree with that.

I can't, she doesn't like you.

Oh, my God.

What more am I supposed to do?

Do I need to buy her a pony?

Should I put a jumpy castle in the back yard?

No!

Then what do I need to do?!

You don't need to do anything, okay? I do!

God, I wish there was wine in this house.

I've had a crush on you since the eighth grade.

I had a poster of you in my bedroom.

And now I live with you, in this fairy tale

where I finally get to be the princess.

But the thing is, I already have a princess.

And she's asleep right now at her dad's

'cause she doesn't want to be here.

Do you want to be here?

Not without her.

(STOMACH GURGLING)

(JEN) I'll be out in a minute.

Excellent!

What's the lighting situation like out there?

Oh, let me get that going.

(CHUCKLING)

Oh! (FLATULENCE)

(FLATULENCE)

(FLATULENCE)

So, what do you want?

Why does every woman ask me that?

Why do you find it so hard to answer?

Okay, uh...

I wanna be a writer.

And I want to Rachel.

And it doesn't look like

I'm gonna get either of those two things.

So, in the words of the Rolling Stones,

"You can't always get what you want."

I don't want to sound like one of those "you're exactly

where you're supposed to be" people but... I believe it.

And then I think the universe or whatever

you want to call it, puts little signs out.

Some big, some small.

Some hard to see...

Some right in front of you.

Just keep your eyes open.

(MARISOL) Mom?

Ahh, now your eyes are supposed to be shut.

Come on, baby, back to bed.

'Night, Marisol! 'Night!

"Cooper, at his home in Phoenix."

Rachel's from Phoenix.

This is Rachel's mom's painting.

Uh, Lizzie?

What's going on?

May I borrow this book?

Sure, why?

I just got a huge sign...

from Alice Cooper.

Hey, honey?

Do you think you're gonna be out of the bathroom soon?

Just one more minute.

(PLAYFUL LAUGH)

Okay, if you can hurry up, that'd be great.

Ooh, somebody's a little frisky.

(CHUCKLING)

(SPLAT) Oh!

(WHIMPERING)

Oh, God.

Hello, Mr. Dorf.

I'm ready to be Dorfed

with that big "dorf" of yours.

Wait! What?

Don't come in here. Larry!

Something happened. What is it?

It's the worst thing in the world.

And it's gonna happen again!

What are you talking about?

Ohh! (FLATULENCE)

Ooh!

(FLATULENCE CONTINUES) Ooh!

Oh! (LARRY STRAINING)

I don't know what to do!

(SLURPING)

Morning. (DOOR OPENS)

Well, I dropped Lois off at school

so my day's done.

Um... (SIGHS)

Did Rachel spend the night here?

It's a long story.

Well, I hope it doesn't end with her moving back in.

Good morning. Hey.

Hi. Hi.

(MOUTHING QUIETLY) Michael.

(MOUTHING) Michael.

(MOUTHING/GESTURING) Did Rachel and Mark-Paul break up?

(SILENTLY)

Oh, oh, my God.

Rachel, did you and Mark-Paul break up?

Um... I don't know.

Oh, um, so, are you thinking about moving out of his place?

I don't know.

Because I would be more than happy

to pay first and last month's rent and security deposit

for any place that you wanna move into that just isn't here.

Have you spoken to him yet this morning?

- He texted me. - Yeah?

- "Maybe we drive sep this morning." - Hmm.

I think I hurt his feelings last night.

I mean, I know I did.

Called him a narcissist.

And an asshole.

Okay. But you know what he said?

He said, "I can't believe you're leaving

all because I forgot to thank a six-year-old girl."

Six?! Six!

I mean, he doesn't even know how old she is!

I mean, I get it! I have baggage, but...

Oh, yeah, uh, tons.

Hey, we both have baggage.

And that baggage is an eight-year-old girl named Lois

who is a beautiful, smart, funny,

one-of-a-kind Hermes Birkin Bag.

And the type of person who doesn't appreciate a Birkin

can march their trashy ass down to the outlet malls.

Because in this family, you want in?

Well, we're strictly Bergdorf's,

Barney's and Bendel's, bitches!

Whoo! I have worked myself up.

My day's not over. I'm going shopping.

Hmm.

What? 99 out of 100 people

thought this bitch wore it better?

So, is that the five star experience you were looking for?

Fortunately, as the mother of twins,

I'm used to loved ones being covered in poop.

And I love you. Hmm...

I love our five star life.

Aww...

Mmm... mwah.

Bradley? Larry!

You are never gonna guess who's a giant fan

of you, Hugh and Rachel and wants to meet today at 4:00 p.m.

Steven Spielberg!

The director of "Star Wars?"

(PHONE RINGING)

Hey.

Please tell me you're not still in Texas.

Not for long.

I have just boarded an airplane. Great, this can work.

We've a meeting today at 4:00 with Steven Spielberg.

Larry, there's no Steven Spielberg meeting.

Bradley's an idiot and you're an idiot.

I know what this is.

You're still traumatized from the nightmare

of working in this terrible industry

with monsters like Melissa McCarthy.

Well, this is not a nightmare. This is a dream!

Well, I hate to break it to you but I'm on my way to Phoenix.

Why are you going to Phoenix?!

I'm going to see Alice Cooper.

What?!

Subtitle sync and corrections by awaqeded for www.addic7ed.com.

??

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0