All language subtitles for Monarch Of The Glen s04e03

Lexie! oh!

Is it that bad?

No, I'm not meant
to see the bride

before the big day.

That's the groom,
you loon.

Anyway, I'm not getting married
for another two weeks.

So, what do you think?

I wanted something
simple and elegant.

It looks great.

Dead sexy.

Duncan, you think underwear
catalogs are dead sexy.

No, really.

You're beautiful.

Thanks.

Anyway, the minister's
here for the arrangements.

Oh, already?

Duncan...

this is the bit you're
not supposed to see.

( giggles )

( theme music playing )

So, do you miss
Glasgow much?

Ach, no. I had
to leave after

they caught me flogging
the candlesticks.

Joke.

Lexie: hi.

Hi, sorry to keep
you waiting, Reverend.

Not Reverend-
Alice, please.

You must be
very excited, Lexie.

Yeah, I might even
turn up this time.

Well, that's always
a good start.

- Please.
- Thank you.

Now, what sort of a service
did you have in mind?

I don't know,
something traditional.

What, love, honor
and obey, you mean?

Well, love and honor
anyway.

You could make up
your own vows.

- Why don't we do that?
- I don't know about that.

But you want it down
by the loch?

Just a few guests,
nothing too grand.

Apart from the marquee,
of course.

For the pipe band.

The pipe band?

And there'll be highland games
and a string quartet in the house.

A full MacDonald
clan gathering in fact.

Just a wee bit
grand then?

Just a couple hundred
of our closest friends.

Surprise!

What happened to intimate and
homely and small and special?

But it will be special.
It will be magnificent.

It'll be a huge celebration
of a momentous day.

Otherwise we might as well have a
quick snog in the registry office

and nip out for a curry.
( laughing )

You tell her, Alice.

I can't tell you what sort
of a wedding to have.

I can tell you
that whatever you choose,

it has to be something
you both want-

with all your heart.

Why don't I come back
in a day or two, hmm?

- Yeah, thanks.
- Goodbye now.

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

( horn blows )

Ah, well,
there we are.

Molly:
Louis, you found us!

Molly, my darling.

I was afraid I'd
run out of petrol

and get eaten
by wolves.

Oh, our wolves are quite
fussy about their diet.

Archie, this is
a very old friend

of Hector's and mine,
Louis Grimshaw.

This is my son,
Archie.

Your son,
why, surely not.

How do you do it,
my darling?

- I'm pleased to meet you.
- Likewise, I'm sure.

You're a very lucky man
with your mother's looks

and your father's castle.

Louis, Hector and I spent
a lot of our youth together

in London
back in the '60s.

All those wild parties, you
know. Fast cars, high times.

The rest of the days
we just wasted.

Let me get your bag.

Careful, it's a very
valuable antique,

- rather like myself.
- ( laughing )

Listen, old thing,

I'm dreadfully sorry
about Hector.

All these years I've
been meaning to visit

but I just
left it too late.

I'm deeply ashamed.

Never mind,
you're here now

- and we're very pleased to see you.
- Oh, good.

( mimicking gunfire ) I'm
getting readings from all over!

They're coming out
of the walls!

Could I have my plasma rifle please?

- Sorry.
- What is that thing anyway?

This? It's a tracking device.

Great, could it track down the
socks the washing machine's eaten?

No, look,
it tracks this.

Long-range transponder,
state of the art.

We might use it on the
wolves when they go wild.

Archie asked me
to evaluate it for him.

I think we might want to try that
outside, in controlled conditions.

- Okay, Arch, yeah.
- my mother's guest has arrived.

I was wondering if you
can rustle up some tea?

- Consider it rustled.
- Thank you.

Have you talked
to Golly yet?

- About what?
- About another date.

I feel bad that he
was stood up like that.

I didn't realize
I was standing him up.

Oh, no, no, no,
it's just, well-

Golly's a great guy and
- well, you should get to know him.

Give him another chance.

Irene: I'm sure he's very nice.

He just seems a bit tweedy, that's all.

( Duncan snickers )
Tweedy?

Irene: You know, countrified.

Like he shaves
with broken glass.

Keeps a ferret
in his sporran.

That's not a ferret
in his sporran,

he's just pleased
to see you.

- Who's the letter to?
- My mother.

I told her it would be
a low-key affair.

Now she'll probably turn up in a
sedan chair carried by body builders.

Why not
just phone her?

This way she
can't interrupt me.

We're interviewing
new teachers

for the village school
in half an hour.

What do you want me to
do, check their spelling?

The laird is on
the board of governors

and, since you'll
be the laird's wife,

it's kind of like
our civic duty.

Oh, I see. So I'm meant to smile nicely

and hand out
digestive biscuits.

And I thought being a
laird's wife would be boring.

I take it you're
not coming then?

Seeing as you're so good at
making arrangements by yourself.

Hmm.

Seems a bit presumptuous, me
chairing the board of governors

when I've only
been here a few weeks.

This lot won't give
you any trouble.

But there's a bullwhip under
your seat, just in case.

- How's Lexie?
- She's great.

I'll talk her round,
she'll be fine on the day.

You sure about that?

I am going to marry
that girl

even if it means I have
to wheel her up the aisle

strapped to a trolley.
She is the one for me,

the only one there
ever has been.

- ( door opens )
- Looks like our first candidate's arrived.

- Excuse me.
- Hi.

Alice:
How you you do?

Thank you so much
for coming.

Will you take
a seat?

Hello, Archie.

So, Miss Finlay,

I understand you used
to be head teacher here.

Yes, up until
about a year ago.

( clears throat )

So what were the other
candidates like?

I'm sure I'm not
supposed to tell you that.

Come on, it's me. Don't
get all ethical on me.

How the hell are you? Why didn't
you tell me you were coming?

Would you have
turned up if I had?

Of course I would,
it's great to see you.

I believe congratulations are in order.

- Sorry?
- You and Lexie.

Oh, right, yes, of course. Thank you.

How does
the old song go?

If you can't be with the one you
love, love the one you're with?

- So, where are you staying?
- The B and B.

Ah, yes, with the salty bacon
and the cardboard sausages.

We could have put you up
at the house, you know.

I don't think so,
Archie.

Yes. I take it the political
job didn't work out.

No. I got tired of all the
backstabbing and betrayal.

I guess I thought things would
be different at Glenbogle.

Silly me.

Katrina, you got
a better offer.

We talked about it, you
left. I thought it was over.

It was. It is.

Well, good. So you can come to supper.

- I don't know-
- oh, come on.

We're all grown ups.
It's in the past.

Everyone would love to see you
- mother, Golly, Duncan.

And Lexie?

Yeah, and Lexie.

Unless you'd rather eat half-cooked
oven chips in front of the telly.

Depends what's on.

So, we'll say 6:30
for 7:00, shall we?

( blues music playing )

nobody

is gonna tell me that
you don't love me, baby

they just don't know

that you're an angel

sent down from heaven

nobody

is gonna tell me that
you don't love me, baby...

- Golly!
- Hi there.

- Where did you get it?
- Came free in a packet of cornflakes.

- Where do you think?
- She is gorgeous.

- She is, isn't she?
- An M.G.B. Roadster

with the original chrome
and the wire wheels.

I had no idea
you were into cars.

Maybe there's more to me
than meets the eye.

There's more to this than meets
the eye. This is full of filler.

It's not the bodywork, son, it's
what under the bonnet that counts.

Fancy a wee spin?

Oh, I would love to but
I've got too much to do.

Okay, after work.

Take her for a burn
as they say?

Okay, you're on.

Good.

I'm sorry, Duncan, but they
didn't have any four-seaters left.

- Hi.
- Hello.

Archie invited me
to dinner.

Did he not tell you?

Funnily enough, no.

- Well, don't go to any trouble.
- I won't.

I mean... I'm not
the housekeeper anymore.

I forgot,
you've been promoted.

Well, I hope
you're happy.

- Meaning?
- what I said.

I hope you and Archie
will be happy.

So, what are you
doing here then?

Does my being here
bother you?

- Should it?
- Not if Archie loves you, no.

There's no ifs
about it, Katrina.

Ah, ladies,
you've found each other.

I've invited Katrina
to... supper.

I'd heard.

Yeah, she's hoping
to come back to Glenbogle.

Looks like she's made it.

I just thought
it would be nice.

Molly: ... buzz to have
a flutter on the gee-gees.

Louis: Only when you win, old girl.

I would have
wasted less dosh

if I'd bought a racehorse and shot it.

Oh, Katrina,
what a surprise.

- Hello, Molly.
- Katrina, this is Louis.

- Katrina used to teach at our local school.
- Louis: really?

So, Lexie's invited you to
supper, that's wonderful.

- I'm not sure if I'm gonna stay.
- Molly: you must, I insist.

I want to hear
all your news.

Oh, dear.

You need to turn
the heating up, old boy.

It's distinctly
chilly in here.

What's the matter?

Do the girls not go
for medallion man?

Maybe you should
buy a car.

( sniffs )

Ah, you dirty-

Rabbie?

Rabbie! come on.

( panting )
Good bunny.

Go ahead, run.

No one escapes
from Glenbogle.

Look, Lex,
I'm really sorry.

I thought it would
clear the air.

I used to think you
knew nothing about women.

It was kind of cute.

Now I think you line us up
like wine-glasses

- so you can play a wee tune.
- Come on.

You've been doing it for years.
Keeping your women guessing.

Keeping us on our toes.

I was just trying
to be polite.

Oh, right,
so I suppose now

you're gonna politely
drive her home.

Unless you'd
rather do it.

( sighs )

Golly: Yeah, that one there
is the Mountain of the Eagles

and the range next
to it is the Cairngorms.

Irene: I love the way
the sky goes on forever.

You wait until you
see the Perseids.

- The who?
- The perseids.

It's a meteor shower.
Be happening any day now.

I'll have to take
the washing in now.

And I thought the only entertainment
up here was shooting things.

You can laugh,
but I heard

that there was a barn
dance down Taggart's Glen.

A barn dance?

Won't I need a gingham dress
and some straw in my hair?

It's a barn dance, the
straw will be provided.

( tracker beeping )

( faster beeping )

Got you.

( techno music playing )

Irene: Now this is what
I call a highland fling.

Are you coming?

Ah, to hell with it.
Let's go.

Good night, Archie.
Thanks for the lift.

Good night, Katrina.

Nice evening?

It would have been
nicer if you'd been there.

( scoffs ) Oh aye, the
laird and his harem.

Archie's not like that.

- I know him better than you.
- Then why don't you trust him, Lexie?

Are you here
to get him back?

He's made it pretty
clear he's not available.

Just like a politician
- can't answer a straight question.

Go on then, have a go.
If you think you're cute enough.

Lexie, you're getting
married in two weeks.

Maybe.

But I won't let any man play
stupid games with my feelings.

( groans )

So, how was it?

Brilliant.

You'll have to speak up,
my ears are ringing.

- I was getting worried.
- We went clubbing.

Clubbing?!

Yeah, those baby seals
really take it out of you.

You do know that Irene's
got to be up at 6:30?

Duncan, you're
like my mother.

All you need is the fluffy
slippers and the hairnet.

Good night.

You came home
late last night.

I went for a walk.
Up to the village.

The village?

You know, if you'd
wanted to talk to Katrina,

you could have
done it at supper.

With a knife in my hand? Bad idea.

Mmm.

So, did you
sort things out?

Oh, yeah. We're all
gonna become Mormons.

Then you can have
as many wives as you like.

You know, Lex, there's nothing going
on between me and Katrina anymore.

What do I have to do
to persuade you of that?

Simple.
Send her back.

Send her
- I'm the Laird of Glenbogle,

- not the czar of all the Russias.
- ( knocking )

Sorry, Irene said you were
here. Is this a good time?

- Archie: No.
- Yeah.

- No.
- Yes, yes, of course.

It's about
the teaching post.

Basically the board is
split down the middle.

Three of us want
Katrina Finlay.

And the other three?

They have some doubts
about her commitment.

- which means...
- it's down to me.

Have you made
your decision yet?

It's about what's best
for the school, Lex.

Of course it is.

Excuse me.

We'll need to know
by tomorrow morning.

- ( door shuts )
- Yeah, you will.

Are you spying on me?

Just posting
some letters.

- you going out?
- I was just gonna take a look around the village.

I'd forgotten how much
I miss this place.

- If you come back then-
- and am I?

Coming back?

The board of governors
likes you.

Well, half of them.

The other half doubt
your commitment.

And what about you?

You're a wonderful
teacher.

Are you really here
for the job?

Well, I was.

At least I was when
I applied for the job.

Then I saw you
at the interview and...

I realize I've been
kidding myself.

I love you, Archie.

I never stopped
loving you.

I can't believe we
threw away what we had.

And I don't believe
it's over.

I know you feel the same,

admit it.

No, Katrina.

Then tell me you don't.

Lexie doesn't trust you.
She says you're playing games-

- Please, I'm gonna marry Lexie.
- When?

How do you know
she'll even turn up.

When has she ever shown
her full commitment?

I would.

I have.

I'd give up everything.

All you have to do
is ask.

Katrina, you left.

We all make
mistakes, Archie.

It's not too late
to fix it.

Please, this isn't fair.
Not on any of us.

( sobbing )

Lexie?

What's the matter?

- You used to fancy me, didn't you?
- Is this a trick question?

Would you still have me

if I left Archie?

If you left-

what are you
talking about?

Now that Katrina's here...

it's like he's selling hisself
short by marrying me.

( relieved sigh )

Don't talk
rubbish, woman.

Of course I fanc-
I still do fancy you,

and the Lexie I fancied
wouldn't give up without a fight.

What do you want
me and Katrina to do?

( chuckles ) Strip to
the waist and slug it out?

No.

And listen, Katrina's not your problem,

you are.

You're still wearing the rubber gloves
in here. You're not a housekeeper.

You're Lexie,

queen of Glenbogle!

And Archie loves you
and you deserve it

and you deserve him!

If you're chasing women

you'll need a bigger net
than that.

My money's on you.

No contest.

And Lexie,

if you do go
for the topless...

bare-knuckle thing,

don't start
without us, will you?

I had a daughter,

but I never knew what
that meant until I met her.

Well, I'm making up
for lost time.

What about yourself?

What about me?

You must have a family.

Unless you rose up
out of the sea like that

what's-her-name, Venus,
in the painting.

I did actually.
It was freezing.

( kids laughing loudly )

Excuse me, we're trying
to have a conversation.

- Could you just lower your voice?
- All right, granddad.

If he takes his teeth out,
I'm really in trouble, eh?

Shall we go?

Golly:
So, where do you fancy?

How about the seaside?

The seaside.
Excellent idea.

Good.

Look, I thought he'd have one of
those wee electric wheelchairs.

Just be careful you don't get your
hands dirty pushing that heap home.

This is a turbo-charged
XR3i, pal.

- You can't even spell XR3i.
- I'd be 30 miles down the road

while you're still looking
for your starting handle.

- Fancy a wee bet?
- Golly, let's just go.

Aye, 10 quid against
your bus pass?

No, winner takes
the keys, son.

Away, if I need a skip
I'll hire one.

Come on,
it's worth a few grand.

Enough anyway to get somebody
to sort your acne out for you.

( laughing )

First one
to the speed limit sign.

Fine.

Golly, this is insane.

I don't want to end up
walking home.

Come on, Irene,
get in.

You need
a good-looking woman

in the passenger seat
for this sort of thing.

Look, you can't do this.

It's not only dangerous,
it's stupid and illegal.

Aye, but the police aren't
gonna catch me, are they?

Look, what are you
trying to prove,

that you're just
as daft as he is?

Look, missus, tell your
dad to get in his car

'cause I've got
places to be.

Do him a favor. Don't you ride with him.

All that extra weight
won't help.

You mind you don't wrap
yourself round a lamppost, eh?

Pimply little maggot.

Just make sure
you burn him.

- Right. After three.
- Okay.

One, two, three.

( engine stalling )

Keys.

If you can find them,
you can keep them.

Have a nice day.

What are you
standing there for?

I can't believe
your luck.

That's very shrewd
of you.

Age and treachery
will always triumph

over youth
and horsepower.

( door opens )

What are all these?

Last minute arrangements
for the wedding.

I was supposed to have
confirmed them days ago.

Well, you'd better hurry
up then, hadn't you?

So, you're up for it, are you,
marching bands and all?

- Of course.
- Why?

What do you mean, why?

I want whatever
makes you happy.

I don't know what
I want anymore.

Or who you want,
you mean.

That's not what I meant.

What did she say then?
Katrina?

Katrina?

Katrina said that you
don't trust me anymore.

Is that true?

'Cause if it is, Lexie,
why would you want to marry me?

If it's just so you
can keep me on a leash

then it's not
gonna work, is it?

No.

But let's face it,

it was never
gonna work, was it?

Ahh!

( yells )

( cawing )

Okay, birdie, back off.

Drop it. leave it.

Shoo...

hey, that's not fair!

No, that's not fair!

( crow cawing )

I don't suppose it's
easy being the laird.

Thousands of acres, hundreds
of tenants, dozens of staff.

Well, us three.

That lot I can manage.

That woman who came
to dinner last night,

she wasn't just the
village teacher, was she?

Was it that obvious?

She hardly touched her food
and it wasn't my cooking.

Why didn't I just
listen to Lexie?

A nice simple service.

Sign here, she'll do for
me, everyone off to the pub.

That wouldn't have
changed anything.

It's not the ceremony,
it's what it means.

Katrina used to be
the world to me

and then Lexie was- is.

And now between love and duty,
loyalty and friendship,

I don't know what to do.

Whatever you do
will hurt someone.

Yeah, but doing nothing
will hurt everyone.

Maybe you should
just do the right thing.

Morning, Duncan.

- How was your evening?
- Oh, fantastic.

Golly got into a rumble with
some punk in a hot hatch.

It was like
"Rebel Without a Cause. "

That's nice.

So you'll be heading out
again this evening?

Well, we-
do you want to join us?

What, stuffed
in the boot?

No thanks. I think I'll
just head up to the village

- on my bike- fancy a ride
on a crossbar? - Duncan...

Golly and I, we're just
having a bit of fun.

Oh, right, and have
you told him that?

- Oh, Eileen is it?
- Irene.

Oh, well, whatever.

Just caught this in that
big puddle out in front.

Congratulations.
You want it stuffed?

Capital idea, yes.

With almonds and coriander,
if you know what that is.

Well done, please.

I'm not into sushi.

Almonds and coriander.
Strychnine more like.

Here, I'll do this.

We didn't-

I didn't mean to make
you feel left out.

Och, don't be daft.

It's just my luck.

I mean, I meet someone
that I really like

and fix them up with somebody
else that I really like,

and they go out and have
a really good time,

and I lose 2,000 quid's worth
of gadget in the loch.

My typical, rotten,

lousy, useless-

looks like
your luck's changed.

- Archie! - Lex, I've got to
go- board meeting in 10 minutes.

There's something that I
wanted to say to you last night.

Look, I'm sorry that I've
given you such a hard time.

I love you... and I
don't want to lose you.

Let her go, Archie.

And deny the school the
best teacher they could have

just because
we've got problems?

I know I'm
being paranoid

but, as long
as she's around,

I'm always gonna feel
like second best.

Okay, so I send her away,

and what will you do the next
time an old flame pops up?

She's not just an old
flame though, is she?

Lex, you have to trust me.

Let her go

and I promise-

I'll trust you
forever.

I'll see you later,
okay?

- Aye, aye.
- Irene: Hiya.

I'm thinking of giving
her a respray.

Something classy
and understated

like scarlet or lime
green. What do you think?

I think it's not
the bodywork that counts,

- it's what's under the bonnet.
- Oh, yes. Yes, yes.

Thought maybe we could
take a drive

up to Plockton,
Applecross, lovely.

You know, drive up,
stay over somewhere.

Would you
mind if we-

eased off on the accelerator a bit?

No, no, no,
not at all.

I suppose she does have
some miles on her, doesn't she?

No, Golly.

She has loads of style
and she's a lovely mover,

it's just the speed.

Well, do you fancy
a walk sometime then?

Yeah, sometime.

I take it you
voted for me?

- Of course.
- Well, thanks for that.

Oh please,
we're lucky to have you.

I can't stay
at the B and B forever

so I was thinking maybe I
could have my cottage back.

Maybe you could come
to the housewarming.

I'd love to.
I can't, sorry.

You afraid people
might get the wrong idea?

I'm afraid you might
get the wrong idea.

Katrina, Lexie and I
are going to be married.

What you and I had
was wonderful, but-

but note
the past tense.

I knew it.

I knew I shouldn't but-

I just kept thinking
maybe this once

I could turn
the clock back, you know?

What an idiot.

I'm sorry if I-

no, no, Archie,
don't.

It's not your fault.

The advert didn't say
"salary according to scale

and old boyfriend
included. "

You'll find someone else.

Do you know how long
it took me to find you?

I love-

I love it here.

I love teaching.

And I really want
to come back...

but if that means

seeing you and Lexie
every day,

knowing that she's got
something that I'll never have,

I can't.

I just can't do it.

- You don't mean...?
- thanks for the job offer

but I won't be accepting.

Oh, Archie, Archie.

Duncan: Lexie!

Where you going?

Lexie, wait.

You're not
running off?

( tearfully )
No, I'm walking.

Don't just give up.

I told him I loved him
and it wasn't enough.

I don't know
what else I can do.

Try anything. Seduction,
blackmail, witchcraft.

I wanted him to choose me. He didn't.

I blew it, Duncan.
I can't stay here.

Lexie, hold on.

I can't believe
you're going.

Me neither.

I'll call you
at your mum's, okay?

Nice try, Dunc.

Tell Archie not
to follow me, okay?

Tell him-

tell him I'm sorry
I messed him around.

Lexie, I'll never
remember all that.

You tell him.

Bye, Dunc.

Oh, Golly, where's this hot
coupe I've been hearing about?

I rather fancied seeing if
I could still leap into one.

I'm afraid I got
rid of it, Molly.

Oh no, but why?

A man my age,
an open-topped car,

it's just a wee bit
pathetic, isn't it?

Yes, I suppose so.
There comes a time

when one has to settle for
something rather more sensible.

- Exactly, which is why I got this instead.
- Oh!

Twice the MPG,
more reliable,

far cheaper to run.

Of course,
and so practical.

And quite nippy
I should think.

Nought to 60
in 4.7 seconds.

Near enough pull your arms
out of your sockets, Molly.

Oh look, you've got
a spare helmet, I see.

Oh, hello. I was looking for Lexie.

Oh what,
the housekeeper?

My employees always settled

for a pat on the tush
and a mink coat.

I was never so careless
as to get engaged.

For a counter-jumper, Louis,
you're really quite a snob.

Well, we all enjoy
a little fumble

below the stairs,
but a man of your position

really ought
to marry money,

then you could hire as many
housekeepers as you like.

My father had a saying-

"fish and visitors
go off after two days. "

Your father, sayings
are about all he had.

Right, pack your bags.

The last thing my mother
needs is some clapped out

Casanova messing about
with her feelings.

I'm not messing about,
old boy.

My intentions
are strictly honorable.

That's what's bothering
you really, isn't it?

No more
playing the laird

when I'm at the head
of the table.

Clearly you haven't
done your homework.

'Cause even if my mother was
desperate enough to marry you,

I would still be the laird and you
would still be Lord Louis of nowhere.

Suits me. I don't
want everyone to know

I'm marrying into a family
as dotty as the MacDonalds.

Let's face it,
Hector didn't have

many marbles
to pass on, did he?

- Louis!
- Oh, darling-

darling Molly,

I didn't mean any disrespect to Hector,

just that I envied him.

Snatching the most
beautiful girl in London

from right under
my nose.

We'll have some fun.
You can't pretend

you like being locked up
in this mausoleum.

Okay, that's enough.

We'll have some
laughs together.

After all these years in exile
you deserve to be happy.

Hector and I were happy! Happier than
a man like you could ever imagine.

But look what
he left behind.

A mountain of debt,
a monument to dry rot

and a huge smoking
hole in the ground.

- Ooh!
- Ah- ow!

( muffled growling )

Darling?

Lex?

Lexie?

She's gone, Arch.

Gone? gone where?

Over the hills.

No.

No, no, no, no. That
wasn't meant to happen.

- What, you mean there was a plan?
- yeah!

- Why'd you let her go, Dunc?
- I didn't let her go.

No, you're right,
I did.

I've been such a fool!

That's not what I mean.

( engines approaching )

How did you find me?

- I followed my heart.
- Your heart?

I thought Katrina
had run off with it.

She was too late.

The only thing I could give
Katrina was a teaching job,

and as it happened, she
didn't want it so she's left.

You had to do it
your way, didn't you?

I had to do
the right thing.

I want you to trust me.

If I'd sent
Katrina away,

all it would prove
is that you couldn't.

Now come home, please.

I won't marry you,
Archie.

- Lexie.
- I can't.

Not if it involves
marching bands

and haggis flinging and
me flashing my garters

- at the whole Clan MacDonald.
- Don't tell me you want a quick little ceremony,

miles from anywhere, with all
the usual suspects as witnesses.

Aye, I do.

Fine.
Have it your way.

( car horn beeping )

Where did they come from?

And who the hell
are those two?

- Thank you, Golly.
- My pleasure, Reverend.

That was- whoo!

I don't believe it.

Did somebody call
for a minister?

I wonder if you'd
care to marry us?

Right here,
right now.

No sky diving bagpipers,
just this rabble.

What about
the clan and-

they'll have their big day,
this one'll be ours.

Well, the paperwork's
all sorted

but, before we proceed,

we have to have
the consent of the bride.

Fully and freely given.

Do you want
to do this, Lexie?

Yeah.
Yeah, I do.

Very much so.

Gather around.

Wait, we've not went over the vows
or rehearsed the service or anything.

We'll just make
it up as we go.

Join hands now.

Alice: To seal your vows
in the presence of God

and your family
and friends.

Lexie,
please be my wife,

my friend.

Everything you see
from this mountain

is mine...

and I give it all
to you.

Be my only love,

stay with me

and I swear
I will be faithful

and cherish you
until the last

beat of my heart.

Archie, I don't have
anything to give you

except my heart,

my soul and my life.

You be my husband

and I'll trust you
and I'll cherish you

until the last breath

leaves my body.

Alice: Do you take Lexie
as your wife, Archie?

I do.

Lexie, do you take
Archie as your husband?

I do.

Then, by the grace
of god,

you're husband
and wife.

( clapping )

( bagpipes playing )

( Lexie laughing )

( squealing )

Come on, our turn.

No, really, I need
my toes for counting.

Oh, don't be silly. Look,
sword dancing for beginners!

- Mother?
- I wish your father was here.

Yeah, me too.

He would have been so proud
to see you happy at last.

You made the right choice, Archie.

Be good to her,
and to yourself.

( laughing )

So how did you
find me then?

You can't even find
your shoes in the morning.

I told you,
I followed my heart.

Hey, Arch
- we'll be able to give these guys

a real testimonial
now, eh?

Is that
a tracking device?

I thought you said
you followed your heart.

Well, yeah, yeah...

Duncan bugged your rucksack

- and my heart told me to follow it.
- Oh, really?

You know what we need now?
Fireworks!

Brilliant idea. Duncan,
did you bring any fireworks?

It's all right. Hector
sent some fireworks.

Look.

My goodness.

Look at that, Lex.

You could make
a million wishes.

You know what, Arch?

I don't have
any more wishes left.

( theme music playing )

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