Original subtitles

Milo: Lisa, baby, calm down. You're being hysterical.

I just... what are you trying to say?

I don't love you anymore,

and I don't want to be in this relationship with you.

Nope, still not getting it.

All right. All right.

[ Chuckles ]

Who's the guy?

There is no other guy.

Come on. What's his name?

Paul.

Unbelievable! What?! What?

Yep. No way. Who the hell is Paul?

What do I care?

Who the [Bleep] is Paul?!

You just asked his name.

I was joking.

You're actually seeing somebody else?

I'm sorry, milo. It's... it's not you...

yeah, because it's Paul.

I really do hope we can still be friends.

Aah! Stop it!

"Friends" my ass.

I know. What'd you say?

What the hell do you think I said?

No, we can't be friends. You want to know why?

'Cause my friends don't screw Pauls.

[ Glass shatters ]

Now kick rocks, you filthy beat rag!

Hmm.

Come on. What'd you say?

I want to be more than friends.

No, Lisa, don't go, please.

Give... give me my bag back. You... you can't leave.

I love you. I mean, this is what... ridiculous...

[ glass shatters ]

Was that my car?

Or was it my heart?

It was her car.

Well, good riddance, huh? Hear, hear, man.

You seem to be taking this pretty well.

Well, you know, in the long run, this is for the best.

We both knew this day was coming, so why fight it?

And I'm a little high.

Thank you, by the way.

I got it... tonight, we go out

and take your new, single penis for a test drive.

Trust me. You need this.

You can't dwell on this breakup forever.

It's been like an hour.

And yet we're still talking about it.

Fact...

the worst time for someone going through a breakup

is between 5:00 P.M. and 3:00 A.M. amen.

That's when the demons come, brother. Mm.

When you start calling and hanging up on her.

Or worse... you find yourself cyber-stalking,

checking to see if she's changed her Facebook status.

You need to go out and have some fun.

Yes. You need to have a meaningless sexual encounter

with a drunken stranger.

Neal: Le...

let's not pressure him if he's not feeling comfortable.

No, no. He had me at "meaningless."

Great, great. So now I'm the only one on lockdown.

Dude, you could always ask Amy

to take your junior balls out of her purse for one night.

[ Laughs ]

You know, you guys are just jealous

that you don't have someone to go home to.

Look at that.

Rock bottom has a basement.

All right, I got to go prep.

I'm interviewing one of the guys from "Dusklight."

The vampire flick?

The warlock flick.

Hey, Ty, I got a photo shoot today.

Can I get that camera you borrowed?

Yeah, my cleaning lady's there today.

Just tell her I said it was cool.

Got it.

Milo...

I know it seems bad right now

and that you got, like, nothing to live for...

Milo, have you ever...

no, you're dealing with your own stuff.

You don't need me adding on my problems.

Oh, no. Neal, please, I could definitely use the distraction.

You're just the only one I can talk to about this stuff.

Amy is...

...looking for some dirty talk.

In bed?

Oh, no, no, no.

It's... it's for her parents' 40th-anniversary toast.

She wants everyone to gather around, and then she...

yes, in bed!

All right. Sorry. Relax. Geez.

She shifted into some whole new gear lately.

You know, we're having sex almost every night.

Last night, I pretended to be asleep

just so I wouldn't have to do it.

I'm not gay.

I'm not so sure.

Shut up.

So, what's wrong with a little dirty talk?

Look, we've been together for 2 1/2 years, you know?

We have got our set routine... start with some kissing,

some quick hand-play, a bit of tit time,

and, 6 1/2 minutes later, we are watching "the daily show."

Wow. Thank you for that window.

Look, you're a writer. Just... just tell me what to say.

Dirty talk is all about fantasy.

So try a little role play.

Lisa used to love when I would pretend to be

a guy named... Paul.

Oh.

Well, hello.

Uh...

I'm Tyler's friend.

[ European accent ] Oh, Mr. Tyler friend?

Yes. Yes.

Mr. Tyler and me... good friends.

Stig pur.

I think I will "stig pur."

Uh, he said I could grab my camera.

Oh, uh, "click-click."

Right. Click-click.

Ah! There it is.

Yeah, I let him hold onto it for a...

okay. Okay.

So, um [Chuckles]

Are you Dutch or netherland-ish?

Netherland-ese?

I'm... I'm... I-I'm Gibbs.

Me... Gibbs. You?

Mitt namn ar alva.

Alva.

Mm-hmm.

Well, alva be damned.

Mm-hmm. [ Chuckles ]

Damien? I'm Tyler Mitchell.

Thanks for coming down.

[ English accent ] Yeah, all right, mate. Let's just get it done.

I take it you're not a fan of interviews?

Well, it's just not why I do what I do.

[ Sighs ] Right.

So...

You know, I'm a vessel, mate.

And I think to have to explain how the vessel works

or what the vessel's favorite color is...

well, that just hinders the vessel's ability to create art.

I mean, come on.

Come on.

Your movie's about a lovesick time-traveling warlock...

In high school.

We're done, mate.

You're a pencil-pusher living for your job.

I'm sorry. Wait, come back.

Come on, I'm on a deadline.

At least tell me where you buy all your floppy hats.

H-have you talked to milo?

Uh, not since breakfast. Why?

Well, I called and I texted him. I haven't heard back.

Okay. I'll... I'll check with Gibbs,

see if he's heard from him.

But you got to get to him before 5:00 P.M., man,

or he's gonna turn into a brooding, poetry-writing zombie,

trying to come up with words that rhyme with "Lisa."

Nothing rhymes with Lisa.

Well, you better get going, then.

[ Cellphone ringing ]

This is Neal.

Hi, honey.

Hey, sugar puddin'!

H-how ya doin'?

Lonely, but I think

a little visit from "Dr. Neal good" might help.

[ Chuckles ]

Baby.

Hey, how about you clock out early

for a little afternoon delight?

I do not know what has gotten into us, lately,

but I love it, you sexy beast.

No, yeah, me, too, you little... Monkey-shark.

How quickly can you get here?

Uh, no, baby, I can't just leave early.

Neal, my father's your boss.

I promise you won't get in trouble.

Oh, I know. I just... I got to check on milo first,

and then I promise, tonight, that we are gonna,

you know... Yeah...

[ Chuckling ] Okay, fine.

I love you.

I'm gonna eat you up.

Um, not if I eat you first. [ Chuckles ]

Oh.

Neal: Milo! Hello?

Milo? Are you in there?

[ Water running ]

Milo?

You okay, pal?

Hey, buddy.

Whatcha doing?

Staring at my reflection in the faucet.

And what do you see?

That from this angle, I look a little like Mickey Rourke.

And now I've got that to think about.

[ Scoffs ] All right. You know, that's enough.

It's time for you to stop feeling sorry for yourself.

What you and Lisa had was...

[ cellphone rings ] Give me my phone.

Oh, you want this?

Come on, Neal. It might be Lisa. Give me the phone.

Now, you promise me you're gonna put on your big-boy clothes

and go out with the guys tonight. Yeah, okay, I promise.

Here you are.

Hello? Milo, I am very, very...

you mother...

well played.

[ Chuckling ] I can see your balls.

{Pub}[ Indistinct conversations ]

Oh, oh, oh, there he is, the man of the hour.

How you feeling, soldier?

I feel like someone took my heart and shoved it right...

that's what I want to hear.

Tonight is all about dulling the pain.

Gentlemen.

Hey. Hola.

How you doin', buddy?

You know, I feel kind of...

did you or did you not bang my cleaning lady?

Yes.

Yes, you did? Or, yes, you did not?

Yes, I did.

What?

You had sex with my cleaning lady?

Yeah.

You slept with my cleaning lady.

Yup.

Why?

I don't understand the question.

You're an asshole.

Whoa! Whoa!

What hell are you calling me an "asshole" for?

What's the problem? The problem is you banged my cleaning lady.

Hey, you never said, "don't bang my cleaning lady."

I gotta tell you not to bang my maid?!

If you don't want me to bang her, then, yeah.

Do you... do you believe this?

I don't believe how many times

you guys just said the word "bang."

I mean, is your cleaning lady even hot?

No. She's all right.

I mean, I'd do her.

[ Both laugh ]

Oh, come on.

I-I-I still don't see the issue.

You banged her on my couch.

On his couch?

Yes! You see?!

Oh, man, Gibbs...

For you to,

well, let's just say, bang a woman in his apartment

when he's not there... a woman who, I might add,

is there for the sole purpose

of disinfecting and cleansing said apartment...

that might cross the line into inappropriate behavior.

Because by having sex with me,

she's actually doing the opposite of what you pay her for.

There you go. My bad.

That one's on me.

Thank you. Mm-hmm.

[ Purrs ]

Tell me everything you're gonna do to me.

Oh, and be specific.

What am I not going to do to you?

Oh, Neal.

Am I putting too much pressure on you

with this dirty-talk thing?

Because we don't have to do it. It's great. It's great. I love it. I do.

Oh, good. Me too.

Oh, you know what? I just... I had some expired Tylenol.

So I'm just gonna go to the bathroom

and [Deep voice] throw up and be right back.

You're just looking to get back in the saddle,

grab hold of the reins, and then you are off to the races.

Is this night

going to end with me having sex with a horse?

Trust me...

you do not want to have sex with a horse.

[ Chuckles ]

How about her?

She's cute, but that skin color's not found in nature.

Sure it is. It's called "whore-ange."

It's a sickness, really.

It's like doing an oompa loompa.

Lisa loved oompa loompas.

You just need to stop thinking that...

Damien?

No way.

They seem really happy.

Oh.

Hey, mate, uh, small world.

What the hell, bro?

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Is your name "Paul"?

No.

As you were.

You spilled my drink, you emo dick.

Then I apologize. What were you drinking?

All right. Johnnie Walker with a coke back.

In a beer bottle? [ Chuckles ]

You calling me a liar, bitch? Do you want to go?

Holy crap!

Look at that shirt!

Is that a rhinestone fish?

Dude, I always see those shirts in windows,

and I always wonder, "who the hell would wear that?"

But it's yo man! You would wear that!

And you are, trucker cap, right now!

[ Laughs ]

I mean, do you want to take this outside?

Nope.

But I'll make you a deal, chain-wallet.

If you lift up both your sleeves

and don't have a barbed-wire or a tribal-armband tattoo,

I will close my eyes and let you punch

me and my friend here right in the face.

What? What?

You heard me, Dane cook.

Me and my friend, in the face, eyes closed.

Come on, do we have a bet or not? I want to see the guns!

[ Cheers ] Yeah! Let's see it!

[ Scoffs ] You guys are dicks.

Okay. [ Exhales sharply ]

Thanks, mate.

Uh, look, if any of this were to, uh...

don't worry about it.

Thank you. Yeah.

But, uh... What is your favorite food?

[ Sighs ]

Hey!

You're the vampire guy from the... the thing.

Damien, this is Gibbs. Yeah!

I nailed his maid.

Don't do it. He gets mad.

{Pub}Have you ever had sex with a guy named Paul?

Um, no.

No. No.

Because you are classy.

What's your name again?

Rachel. Rachel, right.

Rachel, you are classy. I can tell.

Lisa wasn't classy, but you are.

I have a sixth sense.

[ Raspy voice ] I see classy people.

[ Normal voice ] Remember the movie with the little kid?

Okay. You know what?

Maybe you've had enough to drink.

And maybe you're not the boss of me.

Hey, Kim, talk to you later.

I'm sorry. I didn't... I didn't mean that.

I'm in a bad way, and I was really...

Can I ask you something?

Yes. [ Sighs ]

Will you be my rebound ass?

Okay. Okay.

Okay, okay, okay.

What? Let me get my boy out of here.

It was just a question.

Hang on, hang on, let me...

Shhhh.

Let me just go talk to her for a second. What?

Okay? You stay there. Shh.

Boop!

I didn't mean to...

One more time.

Rachel.

Rachel, Rachel. Right. Sorry.

Rachel, look, I didn't mean to offend you, right?

It's just that, I'm going through this stuff

because of Lisa, and [Sighs]

I'm just... I'm really sorry because...

hey, my, uh... my buddy Tyler's, uh, place

is a couple blocks away from here.

You think maybe you can help me get this little guy back there?

Sure.

Aww.

Okay.

Let's go.

Oh, that's a big help.

Milo: Hi. Can you help with the...

I'm gonna get the door. Let me get the door.

[ Moans ]

Okay.

Say something dirty.

Uh, we're, uh... we're having sex.

Dirtier. Uh, uh...

We're two people having sex in the mud.

Ooh! Don't stop!

Uh, great. Uh, I'm gonna give it to you,

and you're gonna take what I'm giving ya. Yes, I will!

Tell me more! Okay, I'm gonna give you more than you can take!

Oh, yes! I'm gonna destroy you!

I'm gonna rip off your head and poop in the corner!

What?

Wait.

No, baby, come back! Wait!

What just... did I just...

Oh, God.

[ Laughter ] Gibbs: Look, wait.

You can't just pull on it like that.

Oh.

This is so... Kim: Oh!

Look, I think that you have to just take

what she is saying at face value.

She doesn't want to be with you.

But, milo, you are a very funny, sweet guy,

and love is beautiful thing.

So you just want to make sure

that you are open to it when it presents itself.

[ Smooches ]

Yes?

Yes.

Good.

Now I'm gonna go join them.

Gibbs: Well, come and knock on my door.

[ Laughter ]

We're just doin' it.

[ Chuckles softly ]

[ Breathes deeply ]

{Pub}"...And poop in the corner."

I didn't mention anything about pooping.

No, I-I came up with that on my own.

Did you?

In the corner? No! No!

And she didn't move out?

Nope.

Man, she's a keeper.

Boys, boys, boys.

How's my brave little toaster doing?

Feeling kind of... good. Don't dwell on it.

Garcon! Coffee.

Good morning, gents.

Look at this... wearing the same clothes.

You know we went back to your place last night.

If you're not gonna come home, at least call.

Your mother and I were very worried.

Huge after-party at Damien's hotel.

That gay warlock is a chick magnet.

Milo, how you doing, buddy?

To be honest... there you go.

Day by day, just like the addicts.

To milo and to the first day of your new life.

Yes. Lisa's loss is New York's gain.

Let's enjoy the ride.

Lisa who? Am I right?

Gibbs: Hear, hear.

[ Snickers ]

Ah! Ha ha!

[ Chuckles ]

Hold up. How did you guys get into my apartment last night?

I got the key.

From where? Took it from alva.

Why the hell did you steal her key?

Tyler, how else am I supposed to get in

when you're not with me?

I can't talk to you.

And I can't quit you.

Forgot my ball.

Oh, I thought you came back to give me a bigger tip.

Oh, my God. Did we not...

[ Chuckling ] It's a joke.

Right.

Can I help you with anything else?

They know I can see them, right?

Yeah, they don't care.

I'm milo, by the way. And you are Elizabeth.

My friends call me Lisa.

Elizabeth it is.

[ Chuckles ]

Um...

Uh, do you want to grab a drink sometime?

Sure. I'd like that.

All right, cool.

Okay, that was the cutest thing I've ever seen.

My boy, my boy!

I cannot believe that her name was...

Not the point, Neal!

That is a big step for milo.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. How did it feel?

It didn't suck.

There you go. This is the new milo. Milo 2.0.

The new attitude... unleash. Show us your strut.

No, let's just... man, you better strut.

I'd do what he says. Neal: He's bigger than you... I would just...

Uh-oh, uh-oh. Oh, don't hurt 'em, milo.

Oh, just like that!

He's back! It's on!

[ Indistinct talking ]

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