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1
00:00:00,810 --> 00:00:01,867
Oh, geez...
2
00:00:04,027 --> 00:00:05,613
Hey, can one of you
boys give me a hand?
3
00:00:06,138 --> 00:00:06,640
What do you need?
4
00:00:06,721 --> 00:00:07,854
Just hold this steady.
5
00:00:08,680 --> 00:00:09,522
Thanks, Malcolm.
6
00:00:09,555 --> 00:00:10,585
I'm glad it's you.
7
00:00:11,025 --> 00:00:13,521
Whenever Reese helps,
he always seems to hurt himself.
8
00:00:18,000 --> 00:00:23,000
Malcolm in the Middle - 6.22 - Mrs. Tri-County
Synchronisation par Dingo & Tyno, Forom.com & Malcolm-France.com
9
00:00:24,394 --> 00:00:25,657
Wait, wait, how about this?
10
00:00:25,770 --> 00:00:28,378
"Mother's wonderful,
quiet dignity."
11
00:00:28,572 --> 00:00:31,293
No, her "sensitive,
quiet dignity."
12
00:00:32,954 --> 00:00:33,963
What are you
guys doing?
13
00:00:34,028 --> 00:00:36,678
We were at the mall and
they had these entry forms
14
00:00:36,814 --> 00:00:39,016
for the Mrs. Tri-County contest.
15
00:00:39,146 --> 00:00:40,133
Look at these questions.
16
00:00:40,231 --> 00:00:42,962
"How does your mother
bring joy into your life?"
17
00:00:43,627 --> 00:00:46,153
How about the time she shaved
the word "liar" into my head?
18
00:00:46,763 --> 00:00:50,849
"She always finds time to dote
on our personal appearance."
19
00:00:52,810 --> 00:00:53,655
What's so funny?
20
00:00:56,492 --> 00:00:59,533
Reese saw a Japanese guy on the
Internet puke into an electric fan.
21
00:01:00,250 --> 00:01:02,083
They are ahead of us
in so many ways.
22
00:01:08,790 --> 00:01:10,976
All right,
how bad is it?
23
00:01:11,025 --> 00:01:12,947
Nothing past
second notice so far.
24
00:01:16,210 --> 00:01:16,751
What's that?
25
00:01:17,197 --> 00:01:20,895
Apparently I've been entered
into the Mrs. Tri-County Pageant.
26
00:01:21,445 --> 00:01:21,882
What?
27
00:01:22,123 --> 00:01:23,787
The boys entered me
in this pageant.
28
00:01:26,026 --> 00:01:28,261
"...lucky to have her
in our lives."
29
00:01:28,539 --> 00:01:30,366
"Too special to be
kept a secret..."
30
00:01:31,439 --> 00:01:33,281
"She suffers in silence..."?
31
00:01:33,412 --> 00:01:34,539
Oh, can you believe this?
32
00:01:34,621 --> 00:01:36,206
I know. They do all
these horrible things
33
00:01:36,253 --> 00:01:38,167
and then they go and do
something like this.
34
00:01:40,781 --> 00:01:43,705
Yes, well,
they're good boys.
35
00:01:44,057 --> 00:01:46,464
God, I think of suffering
through all those pageants
36
00:01:46,547 --> 00:01:48,354
slaving for my sister
all those years.
37
00:01:48,601 --> 00:01:50,048
Susan was always
the big star,
38
00:01:50,060 --> 00:01:51,950
and I was her
invisible little troll.
39
00:01:52,291 --> 00:01:55,060
Carrying her gowns for
Queen of Harvest Festival,
40
00:01:55,532 --> 00:01:57,751
ironing her sash
for Miss Mammogram.
41
00:01:57,856 --> 00:02:00,815
Well, no one ever appreciates
the star maker, Lois.
42
00:02:00,862 --> 00:02:02,835
Once I was hemming her
dress for Dairy Princess
43
00:02:02,870 --> 00:02:05,546
and a photographer stood on
my back to take her picture.
44
00:02:06,415 --> 00:02:08,270
Bastards wouldn't know
a Dairy Princess
45
00:02:08,329 --> 00:02:09,994
if it came up and
bit them on the ass.
46
00:02:11,546 --> 00:02:14,528
Boy, it would really show her
if I entered this pageant.
47
00:02:16,477 --> 00:02:16,818
What?
48
00:02:17,393 --> 00:02:19,659
Well, it wouldn't hurt to go down
there and see what it's all about.
49
00:02:21,996 --> 00:02:23,463
Great. Let's do it.
50
00:02:24,706 --> 00:02:26,655
You little monsters!
51
00:02:26,702 --> 00:02:28,193
You have really
done it this time!
52
00:02:28,264 --> 00:02:29,352
Dad, it was a joke.
53
00:02:29,391 --> 00:02:31,159
I didn't know Reese was going
to mail the stupid thing.
54
00:02:31,211 --> 00:02:32,342
We were just
goofing around.
55
00:02:32,608 --> 00:02:34,298
I can't believe
she took it seriously.
56
00:02:34,335 --> 00:02:35,180
You're right, Dewey.
57
00:02:35,415 --> 00:02:38,115
Your mother actually
believes her sons love her.
58
00:02:38,139 --> 00:02:39,806
What a moron.
59
00:02:40,511 --> 00:02:41,004
I've got it.
60
00:02:41,051 --> 00:02:44,071
Why don't you just blindfold your mother
and throw her down some stairs?!
61
00:02:44,118 --> 00:02:45,099
That'd be fun!
62
00:02:46,395 --> 00:02:48,262
-We're sorry.
-Yeah.
63
00:02:48,309 --> 00:02:49,956
Well, it's too
late for sorry.
64
00:02:50,071 --> 00:02:51,174
Here's what's
going to happen.
65
00:02:51,186 --> 00:02:53,859
We are all going down to the
Civic Center as a family,
66
00:02:53,917 --> 00:02:55,585
and you boys are going to
do everything in your power
67
00:02:55,596 --> 00:02:58,332
to make sure this is the
most unhumiliating night
68
00:02:58,344 --> 00:02:59,260
of your mother's life.
69
00:03:03,123 --> 00:03:04,779
This is a big deal.
70
00:03:05,190 --> 00:03:07,691
I have to be honest,
I'm feeling kind of nervous here.
71
00:03:07,879 --> 00:03:10,890
You don't pay mileage,
I had to park in the structure,
72
00:03:10,931 --> 00:03:12,537
and you call this
a gift bag?
73
00:03:12,869 --> 00:03:14,794
I saw two judges with
the mini-lipstick set
74
00:03:14,853 --> 00:03:16,614
and the lemon scented
moisturizer.
75
00:03:17,154 --> 00:03:18,446
Mr. Herkabe,
what are you doing here?
76
00:03:18,528 --> 00:03:19,831
I happen to be
one of the judges.
77
00:03:20,077 --> 00:03:21,627
What, may I ask,
are you doing here?
78
00:03:22,778 --> 00:03:24,011
You know, curiosity.
79
00:03:24,340 --> 00:03:26,195
It's kind of a
sociologically interesting...
80
00:03:26,242 --> 00:03:28,274
My God, your mother's
in the pageant.
81
00:03:29,388 --> 00:03:30,621
Well, technically.
82
00:03:32,429 --> 00:03:33,779
And I happen to
have certain powers
83
00:03:33,826 --> 00:03:35,564
that might influence
that outcome.
84
00:03:35,611 --> 00:03:36,287
Isn't that interesting?
85
00:03:36,745 --> 00:03:37,121
What?
86
00:03:37,355 --> 00:03:38,541
I just think that's
really interesting.
87
00:03:38,565 --> 00:03:39,880
Don't you find it
interesting?
88
00:03:40,796 --> 00:03:41,864
Yeah, I guess
I'm gonna have to.
89
00:03:42,334 --> 00:03:43,038
I'm sorry, sir.
90
00:03:43,062 --> 00:03:44,729
They were out of the moisturizer,
but I found these.
91
00:03:44,788 --> 00:03:47,808
Fine. I'll take the smoked
almonds, the loofah glove...
92
00:03:47,914 --> 00:03:49,205
Oh, just give me
the whole box.
93
00:03:54,571 --> 00:03:55,781
All right, ladies, sign in.
94
00:03:55,828 --> 00:03:57,569
You'll get your schedules,
your parking permits,
95
00:03:57,604 --> 00:03:59,049
and your dressing area
assignments.
96
00:03:59,131 --> 00:04:02,606
Also, make sure that you
get back here by 3:00 sharp
97
00:04:02,689 --> 00:04:05,096
for a group photo with
the state's largest pumpkin.
98
00:04:08,555 --> 00:04:10,410
Look at all these old broads
trying to look hot.
99
00:04:10,950 --> 00:04:12,336
I mean, don't know they know
we're done with them?
100
00:04:13,815 --> 00:04:16,610
Donna? Donna, is that you?
101
00:04:16,868 --> 00:04:17,983
Lois!
102
00:04:18,053 --> 00:04:21,187
I haven't seen you since
Miss Teen Gas and Power.
103
00:04:21,306 --> 00:04:22,765
What a memory you have.
104
00:04:23,091 --> 00:04:24,394
Was that the time
when the judges
105
00:04:24,453 --> 00:04:26,261
carried me around
on their shoulders?
106
00:04:27,564 --> 00:04:29,138
Darlene, Jeanie, Anne.
107
00:04:29,220 --> 00:04:30,123
Look who's here.
108
00:04:30,947 --> 00:04:31,699
Look at all of you.
109
00:04:31,734 --> 00:04:33,308
I can't believe you're
still doing pageants.
110
00:04:33,378 --> 00:04:35,066
Well, I actually quit
a few years back.
111
00:04:35,128 --> 00:04:37,001
It was time to get to know
my kids a little better.
112
00:04:38,028 --> 00:04:40,232
But then September 11th
happened, and...
113
00:04:40,891 --> 00:04:42,264
We just can't
let them win.
114
00:04:43,532 --> 00:04:44,601
So where's your sister?
115
00:04:45,106 --> 00:04:46,173
Susan isn't here.
116
00:04:46,198 --> 00:04:47,758
I'm entering this myself.
117
00:04:52,221 --> 00:04:54,147
I love stuff like that.
118
00:04:54,640 --> 00:04:55,779
Don't feel bad.
119
00:04:55,978 --> 00:04:57,481
The rest of us don't
have a chance either.
120
00:04:57,552 --> 00:05:00,112
Donna somehow got
Nina Perucci to coach her.
121
00:05:01,204 --> 00:05:02,088
Nina Perucci.
122
00:05:02,182 --> 00:05:03,370
How did you manage that?
123
00:05:03,556 --> 00:05:06,115
Well, Max got a nice
bonus for Christmas,
124
00:05:06,397 --> 00:05:07,888
and let's just
say I had
125
00:05:07,947 --> 00:05:10,424
a yeast infection
until he wrote the check.
126
00:05:12,979 --> 00:05:13,878
Is that your chin?
127
00:05:13,965 --> 00:05:14,470
No, Nina.
128
00:05:14,540 --> 00:05:15,362
Is that your smile?
129
00:05:15,433 --> 00:05:15,891
No, Nina.
130
00:05:15,938 --> 00:05:16,983
Is that your bust?
131
00:05:17,053 --> 00:05:17,675
No, Nina.
132
00:05:20,434 --> 00:05:21,268
She's amazing.
133
00:05:21,303 --> 00:05:23,334
She pioneered the use
of backstage laxatives.
134
00:05:24,849 --> 00:05:26,725
Lois, if we don't
sign up right now,
135
00:05:26,819 --> 00:05:28,592
we're going to get a dressing
area without a hook.
136
00:05:28,732 --> 00:05:29,684
Is that what you want?
137
00:05:30,599 --> 00:05:31,210
Bye.
138
00:05:32,231 --> 00:05:35,237
Well, I think we know
who's winning Mrs. Deluded.
139
00:05:35,320 --> 00:05:36,568
Donna...
140
00:05:40,001 --> 00:05:42,514
I didn't think it was
possible, but the Mrs.
141
00:05:42,561 --> 00:05:44,662
Tri-County Pageant
is about to get even uglier.
142
00:05:47,346 --> 00:05:49,362
I made the appointment
for your facial tomorrow.
143
00:05:49,776 --> 00:05:51,056
I don't want
to pick out jewelry
144
00:05:51,162 --> 00:05:52,395
until after we
choose the gown.
145
00:05:52,465 --> 00:05:56,577
Now, the red one is nice, it's
tasteful and really sets off your hair.
146
00:05:56,626 --> 00:05:58,329
But the blue one
has a nicer drape
147
00:05:58,399 --> 00:06:00,532
and you cannot beat
its "wow" factor.
148
00:06:01,722 --> 00:06:02,215
You know what?
149
00:06:02,238 --> 00:06:03,272
Let me worry
about that.
150
00:06:03,319 --> 00:06:05,033
You can concentrate
on your talent.
151
00:06:05,080 --> 00:06:06,325
I don't know, Hal.
152
00:06:06,771 --> 00:06:08,685
I'm not even sure
you can call it a talent.
153
00:06:08,803 --> 00:06:10,235
What are you
talking about?
154
00:06:10,282 --> 00:06:11,599
It is going to be great.
155
00:06:11,679 --> 00:06:14,591
That's why I blocked out the next three
hours for you to work with Dewey.
156
00:06:14,779 --> 00:06:15,906
Dad, I have homework.
157
00:06:15,989 --> 00:06:18,230
Oh, just buy it from the
guy Reese buys his from.
158
00:06:19,822 --> 00:06:22,347
Okay, ladies, I know
you've all done it
159
00:06:22,417 --> 00:06:25,716
a million times before, but let's just
walk through it once anyway.
160
00:06:25,799 --> 00:06:28,027
Blue line ladies,
cross over the red mark.
161
00:06:28,147 --> 00:06:29,958
Green line,
cross over the yellow mark.
162
00:06:30,268 --> 00:06:32,159
Blue line,
stop at the orange mark,
163
00:06:32,170 --> 00:06:33,898
step left and cross
to the green line.
164
00:06:33,990 --> 00:06:35,575
Green line,
stop to the black mark,
165
00:06:35,646 --> 00:06:36,632
step right and
cross to the...
166
00:06:38,100 --> 00:06:38,915
green line.
167
00:06:39,344 --> 00:06:41,241
Malcolm, I need you
to do a job for me.
168
00:06:41,276 --> 00:06:41,664
It's urgent.
169
00:06:41,793 --> 00:06:45,317
I've been exchanging some very meaningful
glances with one of the contestants.
170
00:06:45,480 --> 00:06:47,564
You know they're all
married, don't you?
171
00:06:48,486 --> 00:06:49,672
Yes, of course.
172
00:06:49,719 --> 00:06:52,394
And that's why it would be
indecent of me not to be discrete.
173
00:06:52,922 --> 00:06:53,638
Darlene Fisher.
174
00:06:53,979 --> 00:06:54,871
Green sweat suit.
175
00:06:56,844 --> 00:06:58,273
I need you to pass
her this note for me.
176
00:06:58,382 --> 00:07:00,304
You want me to find out
if she likes you?
177
00:07:00,653 --> 00:07:01,169
Forget it.
178
00:07:01,475 --> 00:07:02,461
I respect your stand,
179
00:07:02,508 --> 00:07:03,482
Malcolm, and I want
you to know
180
00:07:03,506 --> 00:07:06,030
this will in no way affect
my judging of your mother.
181
00:07:07,005 --> 00:07:07,686
Or will it?
182
00:07:19,053 --> 00:07:19,804
Okay, you're next.
183
00:07:19,898 --> 00:07:21,589
Now, no matter what
question they ask you,
184
00:07:21,621 --> 00:07:23,507
remember to use
your key phrases:
185
00:07:23,571 --> 00:07:26,952
"empowering women, the beauty
within, helping those in need."
186
00:07:27,046 --> 00:07:30,558
And don't forget, end with
"May God bless America."
187
00:07:30,687 --> 00:07:32,732
Right, right, and when do I say
the stuff about world peace?
188
00:07:32,789 --> 00:07:33,658
No, no, no, no, no,
189
00:07:33,716 --> 00:07:34,362
we got rid of that.
190
00:07:34,691 --> 00:07:36,541
You don't want to come off
like a liberal nut case.
191
00:07:37,086 --> 00:07:41,642
Yes, I am a mother, but I also have
to remember that I'm a woman.
192
00:07:42,863 --> 00:07:47,466
A woman who's not afraid to
give because it feels so good.
193
00:07:50,002 --> 00:07:50,878
Thank you.
194
00:07:58,343 --> 00:07:59,174
Okay, Lois...
195
00:07:59,728 --> 00:08:01,055
here's your question
if you're ready.
196
00:08:02,178 --> 00:08:05,748
"How has motherhood
kept you young?"
197
00:08:13,723 --> 00:08:15,719
I'm sorry, but I have
a problem with the question.
198
00:08:18,737 --> 00:08:20,111
Motherhood definitely
does a lot of things,
199
00:08:20,157 --> 00:08:22,471
but the one thing it does
not do is keep you young.
200
00:08:22,741 --> 00:08:23,561
Oh, my God,
201
00:08:23,596 --> 00:08:25,087
it ages you horribly.
202
00:08:25,909 --> 00:08:29,725
Youth is about having choices, but once
you're a mother, you have no choices.
203
00:08:29,737 --> 00:08:31,709
You're stuck loving
your children.
204
00:08:32,567 --> 00:08:33,612
You get gray hair
loving them.
205
00:08:33,741 --> 00:08:35,095
You lose sleep
loving them.
206
00:08:35,248 --> 00:08:36,716
You lose out on all
those other things
207
00:08:36,739 --> 00:08:37,972
that you always
thought you'd do.
208
00:08:38,864 --> 00:08:40,121
But even with
all of that,
209
00:08:40,238 --> 00:08:41,565
the amazing thing is,
210
00:08:42,657 --> 00:08:43,622
you're okay with it.
211
00:08:43,655 --> 00:08:47,507
It's like some
wonderful... curse.
212
00:08:59,230 --> 00:09:00,485
That was amazing.
213
00:09:00,533 --> 00:09:03,234
I don't know where you came up
with that crap, but you nailed it.
214
00:09:11,650 --> 00:09:13,206
Okay, Donna,
here we go.
215
00:09:13,787 --> 00:09:17,077
"What aspect of being a woman
do you find most fulfilling?"
216
00:09:17,838 --> 00:09:19,985
What kind of stupid
question is that?
217
00:09:21,255 --> 00:09:22,046
Excuse me?
218
00:09:23,462 --> 00:09:24,930
I don't mean that
you're stupid.
219
00:09:24,977 --> 00:09:26,621
I... the question is...
220
00:09:26,715 --> 00:09:27,361
I mean...
221
00:09:29,346 --> 00:09:30,362
I'm not fulfilled.
222
00:09:30,791 --> 00:09:32,412
It's awful being
a woman, right?
223
00:09:33,010 --> 00:09:33,385
Right?
224
00:09:33,796 --> 00:09:35,347
I'm cursed with
children, too.
225
00:09:35,640 --> 00:09:36,887
I never wanted
to have kids.
226
00:09:36,920 --> 00:09:37,871
I just wanted to...
227
00:09:38,916 --> 00:09:43,422
But I do... love America.
228
00:09:43,844 --> 00:09:46,421
How 'bout our
country, huh?
229
00:09:52,193 --> 00:09:53,250
Did you see that?
230
00:09:53,308 --> 00:09:55,011
She went up like
the Hindenberg.
231
00:09:55,070 --> 00:09:56,714
Wow, I guess
I'm really doing okay.
232
00:09:56,737 --> 00:09:59,144
So are you going to keep
wasting time high-fiving yourself,
233
00:09:59,273 --> 00:10:00,858
or are we going
to get back to work?
234
00:10:06,055 --> 00:10:08,173
Okay, honey, that
was pretty good.
235
00:10:08,427 --> 00:10:10,411
Unfortunately,
there are three counties
236
00:10:10,529 --> 00:10:12,162
full of women who
are "pretty good."
237
00:10:12,619 --> 00:10:13,382
We need a winner.
238
00:10:13,477 --> 00:10:14,721
I think this would
be going so much better
239
00:10:14,756 --> 00:10:17,751
if I could sing or dance
or play a musical instrument.
240
00:10:17,856 --> 00:10:18,643
We'll get
to you, Lois.
241
00:10:18,678 --> 00:10:20,017
Right now Dewey's
our problem.
242
00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:21,877
Now, son, I don't know
anything about music,
243
00:10:22,154 --> 00:10:23,410
but this is how you
should be playing it.
244
00:10:23,491 --> 00:10:24,770
Now, in the middle
part, you're doing
245
00:10:26,567 --> 00:10:27,518
And I want to
hear more of...
246
00:10:31,064 --> 00:10:32,322
That's never
gonna happen.
247
00:10:32,543 --> 00:10:34,446
You know, I really don't
need this from you right now.
248
00:10:34,704 --> 00:10:37,031
We've got one day
to get the dress ready,
249
00:10:37,109 --> 00:10:38,987
our shoes aren't dyed
and we have no idea
250
00:10:39,093 --> 00:10:40,608
where we're going
with our hair!
251
00:10:40,643 --> 00:10:41,747
Hal, calm down.
252
00:10:41,782 --> 00:10:43,062
What's happening?
253
00:10:43,414 --> 00:10:45,258
I thought this was
supposed to be fun.
254
00:10:45,929 --> 00:10:46,493
It is. See?
255
00:10:50,144 --> 00:10:51,715
Mom had better
win this thing.
256
00:10:51,835 --> 00:10:53,714
I'm getting to know way too
much about Herkabe's love life.
257
00:10:53,937 --> 00:10:54,771
You got anything yet?
258
00:10:54,900 --> 00:10:56,039
This judges' manual
is unbelievable.
259
00:10:56,062 --> 00:10:58,138
It's over 200 pages of
these really specific rules
260
00:10:58,161 --> 00:10:59,481
on what's attractive
and what isn't.
261
00:10:59,829 --> 00:11:01,530
There's a whole page
on ankle symmetry.
262
00:11:02,435 --> 00:11:03,437
And you know
what I learned?
263
00:11:03,551 --> 00:11:03,927
What?
264
00:11:04,702 --> 00:11:05,570
I'm beautiful.
265
00:11:05,899 --> 00:11:06,956
What are you
talking about?
266
00:11:07,120 --> 00:11:09,891
Everything on my face is the
absolute standard of perfection.
267
00:11:10,302 --> 00:11:13,190
My lips are exactly twice the length
of the distance between my eyes.
268
00:11:13,390 --> 00:11:15,075
My philtrum
is gracefully tapered.
269
00:11:15,257 --> 00:11:17,746
My earlobe is the perfect
1.4 centimeters.
270
00:11:18,016 --> 00:11:19,222
And it just goes on and on.
271
00:11:20,269 --> 00:11:21,464
You can measure me if
you don't believe it.
272
00:11:21,655 --> 00:11:22,942
Are you going
to help Mom or not?
273
00:11:24,015 --> 00:11:25,344
I understand your
anger, Malcolm.
274
00:11:26,035 --> 00:11:28,195
Unattractive people can become
very threatened by this.
275
00:11:29,193 --> 00:11:30,960
It's probably why
I have so few friends.
276
00:11:36,865 --> 00:11:37,275
Malcolm!
277
00:11:37,675 --> 00:11:38,320
I need a favor.
278
00:11:38,367 --> 00:11:39,765
I already did you
a favor with Darlene.
279
00:11:39,812 --> 00:11:41,263
Which worked out
spectacularly.
280
00:11:41,298 --> 00:11:41,991
And athletically.
281
00:11:42,390 --> 00:11:43,435
And repeatedly.
282
00:11:43,858 --> 00:11:44,680
What else do you want?
283
00:11:44,832 --> 00:11:45,989
I need you to break
up with her.
284
00:11:46,042 --> 00:11:46,359
What?
285
00:11:46,499 --> 00:11:48,683
She's gotten
so clingy and dependent.
286
00:11:48,730 --> 00:11:49,809
She's suffocating me.
287
00:11:50,680 --> 00:11:51,749
Feel free to judge me,
288
00:11:51,782 --> 00:11:52,979
but remember who's
judging your mother.
289
00:11:54,025 --> 00:11:54,682
Give her this note.
290
00:11:55,093 --> 00:11:56,525
At first I toyed
with the idea
291
00:11:56,561 --> 00:11:57,774
of lying to her,
but then I decided
292
00:11:57,821 --> 00:11:59,676
to tell her honestly
I find her repellent.
293
00:12:00,193 --> 00:12:01,132
It's better to be classy.
294
00:12:02,882 --> 00:12:04,913
Malcolm! Find your brother
and get back here.
295
00:12:05,124 --> 00:12:06,522
The judges need
to see all of us
296
00:12:06,592 --> 00:12:08,118
gazing adoringly up
at your mother.
297
00:12:08,185 --> 00:12:10,322
Those Hendersons are
making us look like chimps.
298
00:12:11,977 --> 00:12:12,940
His smile is fading.
299
00:12:12,987 --> 00:12:13,903
Give him another hit.
300
00:12:23,729 --> 00:12:24,903
I don't know
how you do this.
301
00:12:24,962 --> 00:12:27,193
I've never felt such
butterflies in my entire life.
302
00:12:27,299 --> 00:12:28,449
Good luck, everybody.
303
00:12:33,075 --> 00:12:35,177
Your mascara
is clumping!
304
00:12:35,283 --> 00:12:36,962
What did I tell you
about blinking?!
305
00:12:40,613 --> 00:12:41,493
What is it?!
306
00:12:45,462 --> 00:12:45,980
I know.
307
00:12:47,014 --> 00:12:48,094
Ladies and gentlemen,
308
00:12:48,188 --> 00:12:50,409
welcome to the Miss
Tri-County Pageant.
309
00:12:50,489 --> 00:12:55,104
Here's your host, Channel Two's acclaimed
meteorologist, Dr. Dave Nelson.
310
00:12:56,489 --> 00:13:00,369
Hey there, Mrs. Tri-County.
311
00:13:00,393 --> 00:13:05,665
A lady from head to toe...
312
00:13:06,205 --> 00:13:10,884
A nurse, a maid,
a teacher and a hottie...
313
00:13:10,978 --> 00:13:17,753
All wrapped up in a bow
It's time to sparkle
314
00:13:17,847 --> 00:13:21,055
and start the show
So come on, take a bow...
315
00:13:21,566 --> 00:13:24,290
America needs you
like never before
316
00:13:24,337 --> 00:13:27,895
and "mom" is just
an upside down "wow!"
317
00:13:34,300 --> 00:13:35,984
I lost a pin?
318
00:13:36,078 --> 00:13:37,545
I lost a pin!
319
00:13:37,581 --> 00:13:39,283
Oh, this isn't happening!
320
00:13:39,318 --> 00:13:40,023
Hold on.
321
00:13:40,081 --> 00:13:41,455
Wait, what are you doing?
322
00:13:41,983 --> 00:13:42,946
Now your hair's ruined.
323
00:13:43,005 --> 00:13:44,390
So, we'll both be a little off.
324
00:13:44,519 --> 00:13:45,710
Come on, everybody,
let's go.
325
00:13:49,591 --> 00:13:51,376
And please step forward...
326
00:13:52,139 --> 00:13:53,172
Charlotte!
327
00:13:55,626 --> 00:13:56,519
Ladies
and gentlemen,
328
00:13:56,577 --> 00:13:58,092
the judges have
unanimously decided
329
00:13:58,127 --> 00:14:00,581
that these
five women will...
330
00:14:00,932 --> 00:14:02,814
not be going
to the next round!
331
00:14:02,858 --> 00:14:04,948
And you ladies are!
332
00:14:11,006 --> 00:14:11,840
We're going
to take a short
333
00:14:11,887 --> 00:14:13,918
break now so
our lucky five
334
00:14:13,965 --> 00:14:17,077
can get ready for
the Glamour Parade!
335
00:14:20,857 --> 00:14:21,913
Malcolm. Come here.
336
00:14:22,043 --> 00:14:22,512
Malcolm.
337
00:14:22,923 --> 00:14:24,100
Reese, what are
you doing?
338
00:14:24,320 --> 00:14:25,738
Dad's been looking
all over for you.
339
00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:26,710
I'm leaving, Malcolm.
340
00:14:27,596 --> 00:14:28,994
I'm claiming my birthright.
341
00:14:29,862 --> 00:14:30,250
What?
342
00:14:30,391 --> 00:14:31,516
I'm about to
become a star,
343
00:14:31,846 --> 00:14:32,868
and from what
I understand,
344
00:14:32,915 --> 00:14:34,453
I have to ruthlessly
separate myself from
345
00:14:34,511 --> 00:14:35,639
you pathetic hangers-on,
346
00:14:36,378 --> 00:14:38,187
and probably eventually
sue your asses.
347
00:14:39,208 --> 00:14:40,071
Take care, Malcolm.
348
00:14:41,157 --> 00:14:42,043
I'll see you in court.
349
00:14:44,327 --> 00:14:46,418
Well, it may be
70 degrees outside,
350
00:14:46,453 --> 00:14:47,921
with a 20%
chance of rain...
351
00:14:51,279 --> 00:14:52,993
...but it's about to get
a lot hotter in here.
352
00:14:53,909 --> 00:14:55,142
Where's Jeanie?
353
00:14:57,618 --> 00:15:00,317
We were all going to wear
tiaras for Glamour Parade and...
354
00:15:01,504 --> 00:15:03,075
we're all going
to wear tiaras.
355
00:15:05,415 --> 00:15:06,226
Thank you, Jeanie.
356
00:15:09,278 --> 00:15:10,159
Thank all of you.
357
00:15:12,329 --> 00:15:13,151
...as we present
358
00:15:13,233 --> 00:15:14,572
the Mrs. Tri-County
359
00:15:14,678 --> 00:15:16,321
Glamour Parade.
360
00:15:43,208 --> 00:15:44,112
What's wrong?
361
00:15:44,159 --> 00:15:45,178
What happened?
362
00:15:45,274 --> 00:15:45,873
Usually,
363
00:15:45,932 --> 00:15:48,527
we let the judges decide
who gets to wear the tiara.
364
00:15:57,344 --> 00:15:59,869
Ladies and gentlemen,
please, remain clam.
365
00:15:59,904 --> 00:16:01,280
There's no reason
to panic.
366
00:16:02,510 --> 00:16:03,402
Okay, I'm ready.
367
00:16:04,154 --> 00:16:04,800
For what?
368
00:16:05,011 --> 00:16:06,820
Whatever it is you do
with beautiful people.
369
00:16:07,441 --> 00:16:09,143
I'll give you 20%
and not a penny more.
370
00:16:09,296 --> 00:16:10,376
You may have
to travel because
371
00:16:10,399 --> 00:16:13,593
I'm going to have a house in Miami,
Milan, and that Disneyworld in France.
372
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:16,385
You're welcome to fly my private jet,
but I want you to keep it real.
373
00:16:17,139 --> 00:16:18,140
I'd also like a falcon.
374
00:16:18,384 --> 00:16:20,086
What are you
talking about?
375
00:16:20,145 --> 00:16:21,625
I can't do anything with you.
376
00:16:21,859 --> 00:16:23,031
What? Why not?
377
00:16:23,066 --> 00:16:23,712
I've read the book,
378
00:16:23,771 --> 00:16:24,427
I measured everything.
379
00:16:24,428 --> 00:16:25,051
I'm perfect!
380
00:16:25,262 --> 00:16:29,407
It's true, you do have the perfect
features for a middle-aged woman.
381
00:16:30,675 --> 00:16:31,332
If you want to,
382
00:16:31,379 --> 00:16:32,213
have a sex change,
383
00:16:32,272 --> 00:16:34,658
come back in 20 years
and we'll talk.
384
00:16:36,540 --> 00:16:37,573
No, please!
385
00:16:37,691 --> 00:16:38,571
This can't be
how it ends.
386
00:16:38,794 --> 00:16:41,612
I'm supposed to have three rocky
marriages and die in a hotel fire!
387
00:16:42,446 --> 00:16:43,397
Don't send me home!
388
00:16:43,597 --> 00:16:45,749
I'm too perfect
to live like a person!
389
00:16:47,409 --> 00:16:51,213
Okay, people reacted badly to the crown
thing, so you gotta nail the talent portion.
390
00:16:51,342 --> 00:16:53,068
Now, I know you think
it isn't a talent,
391
00:16:53,127 --> 00:16:54,865
but if you commit,
we can make
392
00:16:54,910 --> 00:16:57,646
those oversized Barbies
choke on their own batons.
393
00:16:59,454 --> 00:17:00,205
What are you doing?
394
00:17:00,252 --> 00:17:02,025
Where's your top hat
and fishnet thigh-highs?
395
00:17:02,084 --> 00:17:03,235
Just get the car
and the kids, Hal,
396
00:17:03,317 --> 00:17:04,325
and let's just slink
out of here.
397
00:17:04,349 --> 00:17:06,087
Wait, you can't
just walk away.
398
00:17:06,134 --> 00:17:07,366
Oh, yes, I can.
399
00:17:07,801 --> 00:17:09,471
This whole thing
has been a disaster.
400
00:17:09,820 --> 00:17:10,912
I don't belong here.
401
00:17:10,948 --> 00:17:12,897
And I hate the way
those women make me feel.
402
00:17:12,918 --> 00:17:14,914
Come on, they're
just a bunch of bitter hags.
403
00:17:15,314 --> 00:17:17,101
And I hate the way
you've been making me feel.
404
00:17:18,824 --> 00:17:20,151
We may have
our ups and downs, Hal,
405
00:17:20,233 --> 00:17:21,314
but this is the
first time I ever felt
406
00:17:21,372 --> 00:17:22,899
like I wasn't good
enough for you.
407
00:17:25,871 --> 00:17:26,399
You're right.
408
00:17:27,397 --> 00:17:28,055
I'm sorry.
409
00:17:29,569 --> 00:17:32,974
I mean, I know you're perfect, and for once,
I wanted the whole world to know it.
410
00:17:33,373 --> 00:17:34,524
Well, that's a nice idea,
411
00:17:34,582 --> 00:17:35,709
but that isn't
going to happen.
412
00:17:35,780 --> 00:17:38,187
I don't know why I ever thought
I could compete with these women.
413
00:17:38,222 --> 00:17:39,150
Hal, I can't handle them.
414
00:17:39,197 --> 00:17:40,559
I'm out of my
league here.
415
00:17:40,887 --> 00:17:42,320
What are you
talking about?
416
00:17:42,437 --> 00:17:44,478
Do you know why those
broads pulled that stunt?
417
00:17:45,082 --> 00:17:47,374
They're afraid of you, Lois.
418
00:17:48,252 --> 00:17:49,121
Right now you
are surrounded
419
00:17:49,156 --> 00:17:51,035
by a bunch of idiots
who fear you.
420
00:17:51,857 --> 00:17:54,866
You're not out of your
league, you're at home.
421
00:17:56,801 --> 00:17:58,773
Lois, where have
you been?
422
00:17:58,879 --> 00:17:59,736
Come on, let's go.
423
00:17:59,771 --> 00:18:00,194
You're up.
424
00:18:00,218 --> 00:18:01,086
You've got to go.
425
00:18:07,234 --> 00:18:09,183
Whining isn't going
to make me go any faster.
426
00:18:10,087 --> 00:18:10,775
Yes!
427
00:18:11,896 --> 00:18:13,670
And now our third
contestant,
428
00:18:13,704 --> 00:18:17,062
Lois, will be accompanied
by her lovely daughter, Dewey.
429
00:18:29,882 --> 00:18:30,930
There's Mommy.
430
00:19:58,550 --> 00:19:59,759
Would the new Mrs.
431
00:19:59,818 --> 00:20:02,096
Tri-County like another
scoop of fudge ripple?
432
00:20:02,178 --> 00:20:04,703
Well, this sash still has
a couple of inches of slack.
433
00:20:04,890 --> 00:20:06,088
Keep it coming.
434
00:20:06,112 --> 00:20:07,438
This is so nice.
435
00:20:07,497 --> 00:20:08,519
Look at this.
436
00:20:08,872 --> 00:20:10,845
A $40 coupon
for new tires,
437
00:20:10,927 --> 00:20:14,359
a box of steaks,
a label maker!
438
00:20:14,614 --> 00:20:15,765
Oh, this is nice.
439
00:20:15,835 --> 00:20:18,771
I wish Reese wasn't too busy
sulking to enjoy it with us.
440
00:20:19,003 --> 00:20:20,069
Give him a little time.
441
00:20:20,119 --> 00:20:24,669
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