All language subtitles for MSW s06e17 Murder According to Maggie.eng

I'm gonna overhaul
the schedule.

You're gonna cancel
a show you've never even watched?

They can't do this to me!

FEMALE NARRATOR:
Tonight on Murder, She Wrote.

I don't ask for very much.
Just a little loyalty.

Well, I am loyal.

But you didn't
do me any favors when you told the world

that I was the inspiration
for Beat Cop.

I thought maybe
you'd be pleased.

Okay, somebody stole
a gun from you. Whose gun was it?

Bert's. Bert Rodgers.

You can't do this to...
I didn't kill him!

Maggie, this is the real
world. The killers are real and so are the cops.

JESSICA: "The rose
huddles quietly, head bowed upon its nettle stalk,

"silken white petals enveloped
in the darkness of night.

"And then, with
the first light of dawn,

"it peers proudly toward the
first needles of sunlight,

"darting westward,
giving of itself to another newborn day."

What a beautiful thought.

It was written many years ago
by one of my high school students.

You know, of all the ones
who came through my classroom,

Mary Margaret McCauley
was the brightest, and I told her so.

Talent needs to be nurtured,
especially in young people.

After she graduated,
she spent several years writing her poems and essays,

and even a romantic novel,

all without success.

Finally, at the age of 25,
she sold her first short story

to a monthly magazine
called, I think, Grizzly Detective Stories.

I could be wrong
about that title. I certainly hope so.

But with that minor success
feeding her ego, she wrote another crime story.

Sale number two.

Well, she wasn't exactly
Emily Dickinson, or even Emily Brontë,

but she had become
a professional writer.

The years flew by and Maggie,
people always called her Maggie,

spent half of her time
writing hard-boiled gumshoe capers,

which were snapped up
like caviar hors d'oeuvre at a cocktail party,

and the other half writing
fragile little commentaries on the human condition.

Short stories, novels,
essays... It made no difference.

They came back in the mail,
unbought,

with all of the regularity
of the swallows rediscovering Capistrano.

And what is Maggie doing now?

Maybe it's not too late
to catch the opening credits.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING ON TV)

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

(CAR TIRES SCREECHING)

M.M. McCauley. The queen of
hard-boiled detective fiction.

And I keep wondering,
will we ever hear from Margaret Mary again?

MAGGIE: Exterior alley. Night.

Hollister's car
skids to a stop at the head of the alley.

He leaps out.

He hesitates momentarily,
then starts warily down the gloomy alley.

He pauses under a light.

Suddenly the air is shattered
by a woman's scream.

(WOMAN SCREAMING)

Hollister races forward.

(GUN FIRES)

A shot rings out.

A shot rings out.

(GUN FIRES)

The slug slams into the wall
above his head.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Vi, I told you no more calls.
I'm trying to finish this script.

I'm sorry, Maggie,
but it's the set calling. They said it was urgent.

More trouble
with the big ham hock?

I think so.

Look, there is no way
my character would make that phone call.

So, why did you wait
until now to talk about it, Bert?

The scene reads on paper,
but in the playing it's artificial.

Artificial?

We're doing a TV show
about a cop who fires a gun

24 times before reloading.

Ah, hope has arrived at last.
And not a minute too soon.

Good morning, Andy.
I hear he's in rare form again today.

Rare?
Where'd you get that word?

Maggie! Love the next script.

So far you're the only one.

Al, people don't
talk like this.

This whole scene is dumb.
D-U-M-M,

and there is no way
that I am going...

Maggie! Here you are.
Thanks for coming, babe. I'll get my script.

Listen, Al, we're paying you
to handle old banana brain.

Funny, I thought
you hired me as a director.

Look, Maggie,
I know this is an old joke,

but just who
do I have to sleep with to get off this show?

What's his problem today?

Aside from
chronic stupidity?

Here we are, Maggie.
All right now, Dana comes into the office.

She tells me
that the gunrunner has just been blown away

with a Magnum 357.

Now I'm supposed to
call ballistics and order a comparison

with the slug that killed
the nightclub bimbo two days before.

Right. That's how
you solve the case.

But I wouldn't do that.

It would mean I'd be letting
the ballistics guy solve the case.

What?

Look, if he
matches the bullets, he solves the case, not me.

Besides, I already know
it's the same gun.

Yeah?
How do you know, Bert?

In here, I know.

Wait a minute.
You're now gonna chase a guy through the La Brea Tar Pits,

chop him down
in a hail of lead, because of this?

I'm operating instinctively.
It's part of my character.

That makes your character a
knuckleheaded psychotic, Bert.

Make the phone call.

I can't find the motivation!

We pay you enough
to buy a new Rolls-Royce every week.

That's your motivation.

I'm sorry. It's not enough.

So your agent
keeps telling us. Make the phone call!

Look, I am doing my best
to save these scripts you keep handing me.

And don't think
I'm not grateful.

It's the same old stuff
over and over.

It's blunting
my artistic edges. I'm losing my topspin.

If it weren't
for my contract, I'd walk in a flash.

And give up your motor home?

That's really admirable,
Bert, but meanwhile, we have a show to shoot.

How about this?
Suppose Dana makes the phone call.

You feel it in here,
but Dana goes by the book.

She double-checks
the ballistics and finds out that your gas pains

were right on the money.
Okay?

Well, I can live with that.

Terrific. All set?
Great. See you.

Maggie!
How's my favorite client?

Hello, Leo.

Hey, you know,
you look sensational. What is that? A new hairdo?

I forgot to wash my hair
last night.

What're you doing here?
Good news, right?

Warners? They read
Baby Cries the Blues?

Read it? They loved it!

Michaelson, he said his reader
cried when she got to the ending. Cried, kiddo.

His reader?
How did Michaelson like it?

He was really impressed
by the coverage.

Coverage?

A 200-page script,
and he reads a one-paragraph description?

No, no.
He had it read to him. By a secretary.

She really loved it, too.
Maggie...

Michaelson hated it.
I knew it.

No, you want me to tell you
what he wants?

Something with
a little more spine. More conflict.

He wants a cop show.

I give him reality
and relationships, but is that enough?

No. Mr. Michaelson wants
Dirty Harry Graduates From Police Academy Six.

Well, no way, Leo. No way!

How about Columbia?
They haven't turned me down in over a year.

Forget Columbia.
Let's talk about Beat Cop.

What about it?
You're in trouble.

I got a star
with a single-digit IQ.

Tell me something
I don't know.

I'm talking network trouble.

You're kidding!

We've been first
in our time slot for two seasons. They love us.

All I know is what I hear.

And ever since Keith Carmody's
been calling the signals, nobody's safe.

I'm gonna clean house, Brian.

I'm gonna sweep out the trash.

I'm gonna slap
a new coat of paint on this tired old network.

But, Keith,
my studio's got four shows on your schedule.

Two of them
are actually pretty good.

Good?

(CHUCKLING) Oh, Brian.
Brian, old buddy.

You know, I've been
down this road before.

First at the Century network,
then at WBC, and now here at Federated.

Look, I've had
three months to assess where we are,

and the bottom line is this.

I'm going to overhaul
the schedule.

If that means dropping
a clunker like Beat Cop, here's the deal. You're out.

But the show's
winning its time period.

Do you think that's all
I care about? Numbers?

Wake up and smell
the demographics, Bri. I want young people.

Look. Look,
Beat Cop goes right across the board, age-wise.

Besides, you have to admit,
it's pretty entertaining.

I wouldn't know.
I never watch it.

(PHONE RINGING)
What?

I don't have time
to watch that stuff we put on. Carmody.

Is he on the phone?

Well, I'm not gonna get
on the phone until he gets on the phone.

When he gets on the phone,
you let me know.

Now look. I read the reports.
I know where the show is headed Nielsen-wise.

But you can't just wipe out
a whole slate of programs.

Brian, don't sweat it.

You and your guys at Monolith
get first crack at laying the new bricks.

Now, you know
you can trust me on that.

This is a lot of bull, Keith.
You're gonna cancel a show you've never even watched?

I can't wait
till the TV critics get a hold of that.

They may love you now,
buddy boy, but believe me,

the guys who put you up
on that pedestal

are just waiting for a
chance to haul you down.

I'll talk to him.

Save your breath.

I don't need him.

Brian? Brian, I'm sorry.

If I'd had any idea,
I would have warned you,

and that's the first time
I heard it.

He's out of his mind.
You can't replace an entire schedule.

I know, I know.
But what can I do? I'm just number two.

He won't listen to me.

Or anybody else.
Somebody better take him off the gameboard real quick,

Julie, before Federated goes
into the old septic tank and you and me along with it.

Hi, Vincent.

Maggie, I hope you didn't
come to chat. I'm on a surveillance.

Yeah, and don't you think
you look a little obvious?

Maybe if you painted
"cop" on the car door.

I have to talk to you.
Can we have dinner tonight?

I can't. Veronica's
in the school play.

What time?
We'll eat early.

I got to pick Richie up
from band practice.

I'll pick him up
and we'll all go out to eat.

Come on now,
we talked about this.

You and me,
we got to stay at arm's length.

I got enough problems.

You mean the guys
at the precinct are still busting your chops?

I love you like a sister,
Maggie, but you didn't do me any favors

when you told the world
that I was the inspiration for Beat Cop.

I thought maybe
you'd be pleased.

Sure, kid,
I know you meant well.

And will you stop
calling me kid?

You are only nine years
and four months older than I am.

That is not exactly
a generation gap.

Okay, I'm sorry.

And don't patronize me.

I came to let you know
that Beat Cop may be history by close of business tomorrow.

You're kidding.
The network wants to clean house

and we're
at the top of the list.

I'm sorry.

Yeah, I can tell
you're all shook up.

So, now you know.
Excuse me for bothering you.

Oh, Maggie!

Maggie.

Maggie,
will you knock it off?

I'm not sure what I said,
but whatever it was, I apologize.

Thank you.

Come on, you were never
that crazy about the show. It was a living, right?

Okay, so, now you got a chance
to write that book you're always yakking about.

Am I right or not?

Yeah, I guess.

Well, then,
don't worry about it.

Come on, give me a smile.

Not bad.

I got to go back to work, kid.

So do you.

KEITH: All right, now.
The Friday night lineup.

It's a wipeout,
starting with Aunt Frisbie and Uncle Fred,

those
six obnoxious kids,

and that toadstool
that comes on afterwards, Digger and Son,

hijinks in a mortuary.
Who the hell bought that one? It sure wasn't me.

I want that memoed
to everybody.

(JULIE CLEARS THROAT)

Sorry to interrupt.
I was just leaving.

Okay, honey,
I'll see you tomorrow. Oh, Julie?

Did you take that
meeting with Feinberg?

Oh, yes.
Good.

Well, actually,
he had a couple of very good ideas.

What are you? Nuts?

That guy's fifty years old
if he's a day.

You know,
about five years ago, he kept me in a meeting.

Forty-five minutes
I had to listen to that guy's ideas.

Is this a crazy business
or what?

A guy wins two or three Emmys,
a couple of Peabodys, and he knows everything.

Look, I know you're not
a very big fan of Beat Cop,

but it is doing very well
for us,

and I think
maybe it's just something you ought to reconsider.

You, too?
Julie, you too, huh?

You know, I don't ask
for much. Just a little loyalty, a little support.

Well, I am loyal,
I just think...

Please, Julie. Don't think.

That's my job.

You just look pretty,

take dumb meetings,
nod when you're supposed to.

That is your job.

Well... But I thought...

I mean, when I took the job,
you said I'd be developing some things on my own.

And you will.
But not right away.

For the time being,
you just hang on to my skyrocket, kitten,

you just sit back
and enjoy the ride.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello. Carmody.

Well, hi, Brian.

What? No.

No, Brian,
I do not want to discuss Beat Cop.

Brian, read my lips.
There is nothing to discuss.

Good evening, Mr. Carmody.
This is Harriet De Vol.

Oh, um... Yes. Mrs. De Vol.

It's nice talking with you.

We haven't actually met.

I was disappointed to hear
there is a problem

regarding the renewal
of some of our programs.

Well...

Ordinarily, I don't
get involved at this level,

but as chief stockholder
and Chairman of the Board of Monolith Television Studios

I intend to take
whatever steps are necessary

to protect my investment.

Now, Mrs. De Vol...

I also happen to own a modest
number of shares in your network, Mr. Carmody,

and at one time or another,
I have been intimately acquainted

with most
of your board members.

In one or two cases,
I still am.

Now what's all this garbage
about canceling Beat Cop?

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello? Oh. Hi, Brian.

Maggie, listen. Beat Cop.
We're back in business.

They fired Keith?
No.

They promoted him?

Stop talking and listen.
Tomorrow morning, at the studio,

he's agreed to look at
three episodes of Beat Cop.

Three in a row?
What is he? A masochist?

You set it up.
Pick the episodes, book the screening room.

He'll be there
at 9:30 sharp.

So, you're gonna lay
all this responsibility on me. Thanks a lot, Brian.

I'd handle it myself,
but I'm involved in a development meeting

down at La Costa.

Where? On the first tee?

Catch up with you tomorrow.

(DIAL TONE)
Brian!

Vl: One...

No, no, Charlie.
I want three episodes... ...two...

10-08, 10-18...
...three...

10-22...
...four...

in the screening room
by 9:30. ...five...

Vi? Make that coffee
strong enough to remove paint.

Six,

seven...
Maggie!

Oh, good morning, Mr...

Rodgers.

One...

Eight...
Maggie...

18-22.

Hey, it's not my idea,
believe me. I'm just the producer.

Talk to you later.

They're canceling my show.

Take it easy, Bert.
They can't do this to me!

I get letters every week,
dozens of them.

Beat Cop is a
national institution! It's a way of life.

Calm down.
Every week millions of little children

look forward to
seeing me in action!

Will you shut up?

You're right. Sorry.
You're right, Maggie. I have to maintain my composure.

Ever since my agent called me
at 6:00 this morning, I just haven't...

What happened to those
"artistic edges" of yours? Your "topspin"?

Maybe my ears are clogged,
but the last I heard, you wanted off this Ferris wheel.

Who told you
a stupid thing like that?

You did.
Yesterday afternoon. On the set.

On the set? You're going to
take things seriously I say on the set?

My God, Maggie,
I gave you more credit than that.

This is my career
we're talking about!

This is the part
I was born to play!

Ben Hollister. Bert Rodgers.
Ying, yang. Twins. Brothers. One and the same.

If they kill off Ben,
it's the same as killing off Bert!

Well, there's no way
I let this happen,

and there is no way
I let that network birdbrain take me out of the play!

Uh-uh!

And if you won't handle him,
I will!

I thought you might like
some coffee, Mr...

Rodgers.

No, that...
That noise that you hear is an episode of Beat Cop.

I'm placating Harriet De Vol.
Mmm-hmm.

(POLICE SIREN WAILING)

So, listen, Ray,
where's your partner? Where's Leo?

Well, he may be
at Monolith Studios, but he's not with me.

Yeah, I chased everyone out.

I mean, if I'm gonna
fall asleep, I don't want any witnesses, you know?

(COUGHING)

Now, listen.
About Harriet De Vol.

How much... How much muscle
has she really got?

I am asking
because the old lady is not gonna tell me

how to program my network.
In case you haven't noticed, pal,

I am the guy with the ideas.

I mean, so far, you guys
represent ten percent of a certified genius.

Freeze, sucker!

(SIRENS WAILING)

What do you mean,
did I hear a shot?

Of course I heard a shot.
I heard about a hundred of them.

But you didn't hear
or see anything out of the ordinary?

With Beat Cop
on the screen?

Look, sir, like I told you,
the screening was just about over

when I heard this scream.

It was so real,
I knew it couldn't be coming from the film.

So I flipped on the lights,
looked down from my window up there.

There's this woman
shaking the dead guy and screaming hysterically.

Julie Pritzker.

Whoever. I call security.
End of story.

OFFICER: Lieutenant!

Excuse me a minute.

On the floor, sir.

And there's something else,
sir. There's a door back here. We found it unlocked.

Where's it go, Maggie?

First time I ever saw it.

Check it out.
I want a full report.

Yes, sir.

BRIAN: What do you mean
I can't come in here?

Sorry, sir.

Do you know
who you're talking to?

I'm sorry, sir,
this is a restricted area.

But... But I'm the president.
This is my company.

Brian.
Maggie, what the hell's going on?

Brian, come on.

He was shot.
My God.

Two slugs
right through the heart... Brian!

What are you doing here?
I thought you were in La Costa for a meeting.

It got called off.
Maggie, Maggie, this is awful.

This is unbelievable.
I just...

This means Julie's gonna
take over the network.

I'd better call her
and express my condolences.

Inside of an hour
her phone will be ringing off the hook.

Brian, she's not
at the network. She's at the dispensary.

She's the one
who found Keith's body. She's pretty shaken up.

Oh, sure, sure.
I guess she is. Poor kid.

Maggie, which way
is the dispensary?

Thanks.

Maggie?

The coroner figures
it happened between 10:30 and 11:00.

We got a nice
set of prints on the gun.

Pretty stupid,
shooting a guy and leaving the gun behind.

Maggie,
this is the real world.

Guys that kill people
are usually not too swift upstairs.

Where are you filming today?
Stage 19.

What time did you start?
8:30. Why?

Come on, kid,
you told me yesterday

that guy in there was
about to cancel your show.

Maybe this is somebody's
way of changing his mind.

I mean, your people
did know what was going on here this morning.

Sure, but...

You honestly think someone
connected with Beat Cop

would kill to stay on the air?

Stage 19 is this way.

Keith Carmody dead.

That's right. He died
in screening room one.

Of what? Boredom?

He was shot. Murdered.

Look, I know
that Keith Carmody

was not a big favorite
on this set,

but regardless of
our personal feelings, I want us to give

Lieutenant Palermo
our fullest cooperation.

BERT: Well, you can
count on me, Vincent.

After all, as your
onscreen alter ego, I have learned

a couple of things over
the past couple of years.

And besides,
what do they say?

Two heads are
better than one?

Not necessarily.

Look, Lieutenant,
what is it you want from us?

Carmody died between
10:30 and 11:00.

For starters, I'd like to know
where each of you was during that time.

I was right here
setting up the next shot, along with most of the crew.

And I was in my
dressing room going over my lines.

Thank you.

Lieutenant, at 10:30,
I was talking on a pay phone

to a producer in New York,
and after that I ran into my agent,

Leo Kaplan, and we chatted
for a few minutes.

Thank you very much.

Mr. Rodgers?

Well, I was in my motor home
catching up on some reading

and, well, there's a very
interesting article about me

in the
Christian Science Monitor. Perhaps you caught it.

VINCENT: I'm sorry.

Lieutenant, you're
not seriously suggesting

that one of us
killed Mr. Carmody?

I think what he's saying,
Andy, is that nothing is being ruled out.

Excuse me, Lieutenant,
you got a second?

You bet. Excuse me, please.

What you got?

Talking to
the prop guy on the show. It's very interesting.

Mr. Dooley, would you
tell the Lieutenant here what you told me?

Look, I don't want
to accuse anybody.

Phil, whatever it is,
just tell us.

Okay.

About 10:30, I checked
the prop box.

I find one of
the pistols is missing.

A 38 police special?

That's right. I get
a little nervous

because these guns we use,
they're the real thing.

I think, jeez,
maybe the actor got it from my assistant.

But no, he's not in yet.

Then I take a real
good look at the box.

You see this, the bar?
It was jimmied.

Okay, somebody stole
a gun from you. Whose gun was it?

Just because it's his gun
doesn't mean he took it.

Whose gun, Mr. Dooley?

Bert's. Bert Rodgers.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute!
You can't do this to... I didn't kill him!

Mr. Rodgers. Mr. Rodgers,
maybe you did, maybe you didn't.

But I got to go
by the book on this one.

I'll let you know
as soon as your lawyer gets here.

Vincent! Wait,
where are you...

Vincent, you're locking up
Ben Hollister, beat cop! You...

George, will you listen?

It's real simple.
Shoot the two scenes with Andy and Dana.

That's right, give all
of Bert's lines to Andy.

That means that
Dana and Andy go to the sex clinic

posing as the couple
from Cleveland.

Meanwhile,
we've got calls out to a dozen different agents.

By tomorrow it'll be
Joe Schmo Beat Cop,

and the audience will
never know the difference.

You'll never get
away with it, Maggie.

All America loves
Bert Rodgers.

Oh? Who am I?
A bracero from Guatemala?

Casting says we've
got a shot at Charlie Bronson.

(CHUCKLING) Casting is
smoking funny flowers.

Charlie's a movie star.
This, he does not need.

However,
if you wanna talk reality,

here's a few of my clients
who might be interested if the bucks are right.

Oh, get serious. This guy
has been canceled

more times than
a postage stamp.

This guy is so bad

they call his
production company Flophouse One.

Come on, Leo.
I'm your client. Dana is too, right?

You wanna
protect us don't you?

I need somebody
whose eyes don't move when they read the cue cards.

Hey, I'm on your side, babe.

Say, didn't you and Ray
also represent Keith Carmody?

For the past nine months.
We got him the job at FBS.

That's why it hit me so hard.

I drove on the lot
and the gate guard said, "Keith is dead."

Oh, my God. He and I
used to play golf at least once a month.

(BUZZING)

MAGGIE: Yes, Vi?

It's Brian Thursday,
Maggie. He's calling from his car phone.

He says it's an emergency.

What is it, Brian?

This is so dumb.
I should be back at the studio

trying to put
the show together. That's what I

There may not be a show.

What?
Julie's up here.

For the time being,
she's using Keith's office.

Oh, I feel so

awful, Maggie,
and so terribly frightened.

This is going to be
an awesome responsibility,

following in
Keith's footsteps.

I'm gonna need all
the support I can get.

Well, as I said,
you can count on us, Julie.

It's just that about Beat Cop

we're kind of in a tough spot
with Bert Rodgers being charged in Keith's death.

Oh, yes, I know.
Sue, dear,

please put this in
a safe spot, will you?

I want Keith's widow
to have it and I wanna make sure it doesn't get lost.

(SIGHING) Now, about Beat Cop.

Yes. Now, Julie,
despite the name,

you and I both know
that it's an ensemble format.

I've got a dozen actors I
could throw in there tomorrow

and the ratings wouldn't
fall a hair.

Well, I know how proud you
are of your scripts, Maggie,

but, well, our research shows
that Bert is the linchpin of the show.

Not that I really
believe in research.

(CHUCKLING)
No, no, no, of course not.

Still and all,

well, to be perfectly honest,
I had been hoping for several months

to star Dana in her own show.

Dana?
A medical drama.

She'd play
the head neurosurgeon

at a major, major
metropolitan hospital.

Wait a minute. Dana's
barely old enough to have graduated medical school.

Well, we'll cover that
in dialogue.

Keith never liked the concept,
I think mainly because, well,

it wasn't his idea.

Julie, that's great,

but the thing is
Beat Cop's a proven hit.

With Bert Rodgers.

But at the moment,
you don't have Bert Rodgers.

With somebody else,

I don't think it'll
play in Peoria.

No.
You've got to.

I can't! I'm not a detective!

But Lieutenant Palermo is.
Look, you know the studio,

you know the people involved,
you've got that kind of mind.

Bert Rodgers
is just dumb enough to be guilty.

And if he isn't?
You heard what Julie said. Without Bert, we're canceled.

No more big office,
no more big salary.

I've been waiting
two years to get that fathead out of my life.

Maggie, Maggie,
we're talking jobs here.

Your staff, you crew.

They'll find other jobs.

My job.

That's a problem.

Tell you what, tell you what.
You get Bert off, and we'll make that Italian thing.

My pilot, Love in Naples?

The one about the banker
and the waitress from Davenport, Iowa.

You're not just
yanking my chain?

Come on, Maggie.
I'm giving you my word.

Trust me.

(SOBBING) I didn't kill him.
You got to believe me.

Oh, God,
how did I get into this mess?

Don't... Don't cry, Bert.

I am a policeman!
I uphold the law and order!

Bert, I hate it when you cry.

Oh, Maggie, I'm innocent.

I believe you.

You do?
Yes.

So then you'll help me?
Yes.

Oh, God, I love you.

If you'll just stop crying.

The Enquirer may have
hidden cameras in here.

And I'm telling you,
the guy is guilty. It's his gun.

His fingerprints were
all over the handle.

Because whoever took the gun
wore gloves to leave the prints undisturbed.

Vincent, it's a frame.

He had motive.

You said yourself
he stormed out of your office threatening to kill the guy.

That was an exit line.
He doesn't know any other way to leave a room.

And, finally, he has no alibi.

From 10:30 to 11:00,
he was alone in his trailer, he says.

You know, if you
keep him locked up, that's the end of Beat Cop.

Yeah. I know.

Maggie, forget it.

This is the real world.
The killers are real and so are the cops.

Go back to your
typewriter, kid. Leave homicide to me.

"The killers are real
and so are the cops."

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let me go,
you greasy heap of suet.

Kramer!

The band's playing a new tune.

You got to dance with me now.

Cut! Thanks, guys.
Bring in the stunt double.

Listen, when you
come in the door, I think... Al,

this is ridiculous.

I feel like I'm wearing
a dead rat under my nose.

You look great, Andy.
And those lines. I wanna gag.

It sounds wonderful,
trust me.

Wally, Joe...

Twenty years ago,
I did Shakespeare at Stratford.

Now I'm a stand-in
for Bert Rodgers. Hell of a career move.

Oh, excuse me. Maggie?

So what's going on?
Are we in, are we out?

That hasn't been decided yet.

Well, decide it quick

because I am not,
that is N-O-T, not going through this again.

My character is gruff
but kindly Captain Chandler.

I'm very good
at playing gruff but kindly.

Especially with what you've
been paying me this last two years,

and I'd like to
continue doing it.

We're working on it.
Good.

I already had one series
yanked out from under me a few years ago

at a time when I
could have been a star and not just a second banana.

And I would not react kindly
if it happened again.

Now, please excuse me
while the rat and I take a short nap in my trailer.

(SCATTING)

God, you know,
I'd forgotten, but I remember that show.

I was in high school.

Andy was terrific. He played,
like, a college professor or something,

but they kept moving it
around the schedule.

Like the pea under
the walnut shells, defying you to locate it.

(CHUCKLING)

Dana, why didn't
you tell me about the medical show?

What medical show?

The one where you
play a neurosurgeon?

The one Julie Pritzker
wants you to star in.

Oh, that one.
Well, what was to tell?

Julie loved it, Keith didn't.
It was a dead duck.

Not any more.

Oh, wait a minute.

Are you implying
that I would commit a murder

just to get my own show
on network television?

When Keith was killed,
you told Vincent

you were talking by phone
to a Broadway producer.

That's right.

Which one?

What do you mean which one?
Who elected you Dick Tracy?

Which one was it, Dana?

No producer.

I mean, I talked to
his answering machine.

And then you ran into Leo.

Right.
Wrong.

Leo told me that when
he drove on the lot,

the gate guard told him
that Keith was dead.

That skunk!

He was with me for almost
a half an hour before that.

He was scared out of his mind.

About what?
Keith.

Keith had called him
and told him

to get his butt over to the
screening room this morning.

Why?

How should I know?

Maybe he was
going to fire him.

Or maybe he found out
about the package proposal.

What package proposal?

Sweetie, don't the jungle
tom-toms of industry gossip

ever penetrate
that head of yours?

Leo's agency
was packaging the neurosurgeon show.

Ten percent right off the top.

That meant two-and-a-half,
maybe three million, in Leo's pocket.

If the network bought it.

Wait a minute.
Let me get this straight.

My agent, Leo Kaplan,

was working a deal
to get you off my show

to package a new show
to replace my show?

Exactly.

Well, who do you think
he's working for? You?

Sure, I was here
when they converted

these old dressing rooms
into casting offices.

That was about 10
or 12 years ago.

Burnsie, you were here
when old man Schiller built the place.

Yeah, well,
soon after, anyhow.

Oh, look at that. Andy Butler.

That's from his first show.

Langley Hall. Oh, that was
long before your time, Miss McCauley.

It was about a college.

Yeah. Someone was
talking about it earlier. You made that here, huh?

Yeah, sure did.

You know, it's funny
how things come around.

What do you mean?

Well, Mr. Carmody
getting killed.

You know,
I heard about how he threatened to cancel Beat Cop.

I guess everybody did.

Funny thing is,
15 years ago, his first network,

it was Carmody
who canceled Langley Hall.

Are you sure about that?

Oh, yeah.

I was working security
on Stage 44 when they got the news.

Hit everybody pretty hard,
I can tell you.

Well, right over here,
Miss McCauley.

The cops have been
through this passageway a dozen times.

Here, take a look.

Then you go right down here
through the door at the end

and you'll come out
behind the curtain in the screening room.

This is weird, Burnsie.
Very weird.

Where'd it come from?

Well, I don't wanna
mention any names,

but a few years back
one of our big stars, and I am talking really big,

used to like to take
his female co-star into the screening room

to watch the dailies,
and then he and the lady

would slip out through here
back to his dressing room.

I get the picture.

You know,
it's hard to believe what a studio will do

to keep its star happy.

You think so, huh?

It seems to me it's likely
that whoever did it

was someone
connected with the show.

You use the word "likely,"
Miss McCauley.

What we are
most in need of is evidence.

Right!

Right. We got to have proof.
Hard proof.

Look, I'm not a detective.

But you think like one.

And I keep telling you, Brian,
this is not a script.

In other words,
we are no closer to a resolution

of our difficulties
than we were at noon today.

Afraid not.

That is indeed too bad
because tomorrow morning at 8:00,

the cameras are slated
to turn on Beat Cop.

However,
the network has informed us

that if they roll
without Bert Rodgers,

they won't
accept the episode.

You see my predicament,
Miss McCauley?

But of course you do.

Vi, what are you doing here?
Why aren't you home?

Oh, I wasn't sure
if you'd need me.

What I need is two aspirins,
a dry martini and a hot bath.

Go home.

And the phones have been
ringing constantly since right after lunch.

Variety and The Reporter
and TV Guide.

Pass, pass, pass.

And Casting called,
they said they had two words for you.

"Not available."

Who's not available?

Everyone.
And the editor stopped by about 20 minutes ago.

He left this for you.

He cut together a sequence
from this morning's work.

There's a continuity problem.

He said, "Keep your eye
on the pencil."

And this is the rest of it.
You sure you don't need me?

Go home, Vi. Tomorrow's gonna
be a long day for everybody.

Okay, but don't work too late.

Keep your eye on the pencil.

I don't care
about gut feelings.

What I do care
about is procedure.

We've got rules around here,
even for Bert Hollister.

The guy should
have checked in.

Captain, I don't know
where he is.

How am I gonna
protect this guy?

If he's on to something,
I wanna know about it.

I don't wanna find him
belly up in some alley.

Sure he's a maverick,
sure he bust a few rules, but you wanna know something?

He's my kind of cop.
If you tell him I said that, I'll deny it.

Wait a minute.

If he's on to something,
I wanna know about it.

I don't wanna find him
belly up in some alley.

I don't know where he is.
Now you see it.

How am I gonna
protect this guy?

I don't wanna find him
belly up in some alley.

Now you don't.

Hello.
Al, it's Maggie.

Hello, dear heart.
I hope your day was better than mine.

Mine stunk, thanks.

Al, I just got a tape
from the editor,

that scene you
shot this morning with Dana and Andy.

Ah, yes.
He sent me a copy, too. The disappearing pencil.

What the hell happened?

What happened was
your script girl was obviously daydreaming.

When we shot the master,
the pencil was in Andy's jacket pocket.

After we relit
for the closer shots, the pencil was gone.

Al, this is very important.

When did you
shoot the master?

First thing this morning.

When did you do
the relighting for the close shots?

I don't know. 10:30, I think.

Took about a half hour.

And you shot the close shots
right after that?

Yes, and I needn't tell you,
I'm annoyed to have to shoot it all again.

The actors have
been notified of the problem.

We'll do the retakes
first thing tomorrow morning.

It's one of the few things
we can do without Bert.

Maggie,
is there something wrong?

No, no. Everything's fine.

Night, Al.

(DOOR OPENS)

Who's here?

Is there anybody in here?

Who is that?

Maggie?

Maggie!

Vincent! It was Andy Butler!

We know.

Up against the wall. Let's go.
Spread them. Let's go.

Take it easy, kid, it's okay.

It's okay.

It was the pencil, Brian.
The yellow pencil.

Yeah. I don't get it, sorry.

Watch my lips, Brian.

Andy Butler had
a yellow pencil in his jacket pocket

when they shot the scene
the first time. The big shot.

They call that a master.
Master.

Right.

When the crew was
resetting the lights for the close shots,

Andy sneaked off
through the passageway to shoot Keith.

Except he lost the pencil
in the passageway,

and when he came back
to the set,

the pencil wasn't in his
pocket and nobody noticed.

Oh, I get it.

When he was told
he'd have to redo the scene

and why, he went back
to retrieve the pencil before anybody found it.

Only what he didn't know,
and neither did I,

was that Vincent Palermo
had already found it.

And when they dusted it
and found Andy's fingerprints all over it,

the solution fell into place.

Well, however it worked out,
this is one terrific day.

Bert's out of jail
and back to work

and Julie's given us
an order for Betty Barker, Brain Surgeon,

which means we're gonna
have to replace both Andy and Dana.

Maggie...

Maggie, you were great.
I don't know how to thank you.

I do. Love In Naples.

Oh, gosh, yes.
Listen, Maggie, about that...

Brian, you promised!

I know and I talked to Julie

but, not yet. I mean...
I mean, I don't think the timing's right.

Great! "Trust me," you said.

I give you my word, Maggie.
As soon as the time is right,

I'll be right there
going to bat for you.

Meantime, I got a meeting
at the network on Dana's new series.

Give me a buzz
early next week

and we'll do lunch. See you.

Oh, I'm sorry. Excuse me.
Pardon me. Pardon me.

Thanks, Brian!

Maggie, what's wrong?

You know, I used to worry
that he was wrong for his job.

Shows you what I know.

Oh, hell, Vi,
what am I complaining about? Today is a great day.

I mean, great!

You know where
I'm going tonight? No.

Out to dinner. With Vince.
And his kids.

And his kids? That's great!
Hey, does this mean...

I don't know what it means,

but it sure beats
where I was yesterday.

Oh, this is terrific.
He is so sexy.

I know, I know.

Two years I've
been waiting for this day

and nothing, I mean nothing,
is gonna spoil it.

(LAUGHS)
BERT: Maggie!

(DOOR SLAMMING)

I just finished
reading this new script.

What the hell are
you trying to do? Ruin my career, huh?

Who writes
this drivel, anyway?

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