Original subtitles

When you let something simmer for too long,

it will explode.

Emotionally, physically,

metaphysically.

You're a good boy, Xerxes.

You a good boy or not?

Do you like it here in Goa?

Are you a good boy?

Are you a good boy or not?

Are you going to lick me?

Jeh uncle's girlfriend?

No.

Then why are you wearing his shirt?

Why were you sleeping in Jeh uncle's room?

'Cause he's my friend?

Ewww... you smell like poo!

Poo! Poo! Poo!

They're right, Xerxes.

I smell.

Can you smell me?

You're always welcome to shower.

Hi...

Goa suits you.

Does it?

Ya, you look relaxed.

More relaxed than I've ever seen you before.

Right.

Keep smiling like this.

This whole world's burden...

that you're carrying...

will get lighter.

I have permanently hunched shoulders.

You know...

Got into the habit when I hit puberty...

trying to hide my boobs.

But they're nice boobs. Why hide them?

Really, Xerxes?

No loyalty?

You really are a dog.

Shut up, guys!

Twenty three years...

you held on to your virginity.

And suddenly one night,

against the lighthouse walls...

Bang! Yes baby...

Guys, stop it. Stop it! Siddhu got her cherry popped.

Siddhu got her cherry popped.

Siddhu got her cherry popped. Okay guys, seriously.

It's not a big deal okay.

I just lost my virginity.

Not like I won an Oscar.

Question is, did he win one...

for his performance!

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

You guys are actually cray... Oh, yeah!

But I love it.

By the way, by removing the 'Z' from crazy...

how much time do you save?

I take the 'O' out of OK as well.

So it adds up.

Such a child.

But do you know who's not a child anymore?

Our very own Siddhi.

Now she's a woman.

Okay, enough about me.

What about your girlfriend?

What? What? What?

Mangs has a girlfriend?

- Check this out. - Siddhi...

Look at it. Samara frickin' Kapoor!

What the fuck!

She's into girls?

Wow! That's...

That's makes her even hotter!

Samara Kapoor? Sa... Samara Kapoor?

- Oh, my god! - Mangs!

Okay! Okay! Okay!

- Knock knock. - Who's there?

- Hymen. - Hymen who?

Hymen the mood for some girl-on-girl action...

with a superstar!

Sids, please!

Don't distract us from your hymen!

Seriously, why didn't you tell us before?

And she tells us about every silly one night stand.

But you hid this from us!

Because like...

She asked you to hide it.

No.

Because... this time...

it's just different.

Why?

'Cause she's famous.

No, ya...

'Cause I'm in love with her.

Like proper, proper love?

Yes. And...

I just figured after Pinky...

I would never have these intense love feelings.

But once Samara and I got together...

When I'm with her,

I don't even want to look at anyone else.

You know, it's so perfect.

Like ice cream and gulab jamun. (Indian delicacy)

Like jalebi and rabdi. (Indian delicacy)

Like chana chaval. (Indian delicacy)

Mangs, you really are in love...

Ladies, mojitos made fresh with...

mint and lemons from the orchards.

- What's up. - In the house...

and on the house. Thank you.

Excuse me,

fancy cocktails?

What happened to your rules?

Jeh has changed.

Ya guys...

I mean, this is Goa.

Everything's different here.

Sid...

Your phone.

Oh, thanks. You don't need it?

No. Jeh lent me a spare.

Oh.

Sharing bedrooms,

sharing phones.

Sharing clothes, sharing glances.

Okay, okay. Guys, guys...

You are all invited to my parents'...

fortieth wedding anniversary celebrations.

- Oh. - And my mum insists

on sharing the day with our birthday girl here.

And Anjana,

bring your friend along.

What friend?

- Your child! - Oh!

She forgot about him. You forgot!

You forgot about him?

- Cheers... - Cheers to that!

There you are.

Hey...

Come on in.

The water's great.

I'm not falling for that one again.

Don't you have a pool in your hotel?

It's filled with noisy kids.

Whoa!

So is this pool.

Yes, but...

You're not in my hotel.

I'm a leech.

Stuck on you.

Bar's open.

Cocktail?

Nice rings... colourful.

Damini! Over here.

- Hi! - Hi!

- Hey! - Hello...

Hi!

Happy anniversary Mr and Mrs Wadia.

- Thank you. - Ms D'Costa.

I didn't add Wadia to my name.

This Wadia is completely insane!

Okay, Ms D'Costa.

By the way, Damini...

This morning, from under the blanket,

I could only see your eyes.

Nice to see you in full my dear girl.

But really...

Isn't she beautiful?

Yes.

Well done, Jeh.

We had lost total hope in you.

I'll go get a drink. Yes, please.

Mihir is texting.

Why?

Because you guys did it last night.

He probably does have good morning-after etiquette?

But if I reply immediately,

he's going to think I'm really desperate.

Says who?

I read it in a magazine.

Don't chase boys.

Let them do it.

What do you feel like doing?

Oh, no. I don't know.

What if he thinks I'm some stuck up bitch?

Also, I don't want it to seem like it's a big deal we had...

you know.

But if I reply immediately,

he'll think I'm obsessing over him...

because he was my first.

And if I don't then,

what if he thinks I hated it?

Not that I hated it, it's just...

It just wasn't anything like...

what I'd expected, you know.

It really hurt and that...

that wall was so cold.

So bored.

What're you doing? Mohit?

Mohit, stop it! Give it to me.

Mohit! Stop it! Invitation sent!

Location sent!

Enjoy.

Today's generation...

has no patience.

We used to put roses in our log books...

for our boyfriends.

For one phone call...

we used to wait for hours.

To speak with our boyfriend.

Not boyfriend.

I have a girlfriend.

Ooh! Girlfriend!

Speak louder please.

She's a lesbian.

Ooh!

Come, come. Sit here.

Come, come.

Tanaz aunty and Delnaz aunty...

also did hanky-panky in the Bharuch house.

So what?

Men.

They are like donkeys.

No brains whatsoever!

Forty five years.

Kaizad never satisfied me!

At first, he used to hurry through it.

Later, he decided to slow down.

But he was never able to catch my speed.

You are very lucky, young lady.

You can live your life openly.

Tanaz aunty and Delnaz aunty...

committed suicide.

They couldn't live together...

so they died together.

I love my nipples to be nibbled!

Oh, God!

I hope you take care of her...

and she takes care of you.

Ya, we try.

Kaizad and I,

we tried anal sex also.

Very pleasurable.

Naughty girl!

So what!

I don't eat raw food.

Try it. It's an aphrodisiac.

Apparently so are chocolate covered strawberries.

But they just make me put on weight, that's all.

That's because you have to work it off.

Afterwards.

I am horrible at flirty talk.

At this point, all I can think of is my...

sweaty spinning teacher...

shouting 'Faster! Faster!'

I can make you spin.

And sweat.

While you scream 'Faster! Faster!'

The oyster's still waiting.

Let's do this.

This vodka-cranberry Popsicle...

is the undisputed Popsicle king.

I mean, it is life affirming.

Shows how low your self-esteem is...

considering you're getting your affirmations from shaved ice.

I get mine from shaved pubes.

Gross. Thanks!

Oh, God. He's here.

What?

Oh, shit! My Popsicle!

Popsicle? Is that what you call him now?

Mr Cherry Popper?

Mohit, please! Just hide me.

My ass is not that big.

What does he look like?

What?

He's a guy.

Wow. That narrows it down.

- Mihir! - What are you doing?

Mihir!

Mihir! Hey, this way man!

He's cute. In a very banker sort of way.

- Hey, Mihir! - Horrible!

Hey...

Hey, I dropped my Popsicle.

I need another one.

Mihir...

- Hi, Mohit. - Hi...

I'm Siddhi's new bestie.

- Oh, nice. - Tell me...

Do you really live in New York...

or you're just saying Newark in a hybrid accent?

Sorry, what?

- She's ignoring you. - Why?

- I call it the MALV syndrome. - What's that?

Morning After Losing Virginity?

Is the door shut?

Hey, Siddi-Piddi...

Look, about last night...

Okay. This is taking too long.

I changed my mind.

Sorry, I don't want it.

Siddi-Piddi, can we just talk?

I really need to pee.

Fuck!

I have to...

Make a phone call,

get a Popsicle, go pee,

have a snack,

pick some coconut,

save the world,

stand for President. What the hell?

Oh, shit, I'm so sorry. Prime Minister.

I forgot, the head of state here is the Prime Minister.

I really have to go. You've got...

You've got to be kidding me, Siddhi...

Shit! Damini...

Don't sell out, Uma.

Please.

Surviving by pimping out Investigator.com?

It's funny.

You know, all this while I thought you were on my side.

What are you trying to say?

Out?

From where?

What?

I'm sorry?

You're the one who's been pushing me!

I'm the founder of Investigator.com, goddammit!

You can't...

I've given my life to Investigator.com, okay?

My everything! You cannot remove me!

Fuck you! Fuck you and fuck the entire board Uma!

I won't let you do this okay!

I will not let you do this!

Hello!

Uma!

Let's hide here! Let's hide here!

Let's hide here! Shut the door! Shut the door!

Who are you?

This is Aunty Diana's room.

No it's not. It's Jeh's room.

And I've taken his permission, okay?

This is not a fancy dress party, okay.

I know that but...

I have to put on a show. Now go.

Are you a wicked witch from a Disney movie?

What?

Sing a song. Wicked witch song.

Not now. Later. Okay? Now go.

Sing. Or I'll call Mom and Dad.

Come here, Jeh.

I think someone's stuck.

I think it's Homai.

She falls now and then.

Homai aunty...

Are you there?

I'll just get the key.

Homai...

"I'm a witch or I'm an angel..."

"Gonna get you, gonna get you anyway..."

"I'm a witch or I'm an angel..."

"Gonna get you, gonna get you..."

Once more! Once more!

Damini...

Seventy eight...

Seventy nine...

Eighty...

I'm stuck.

I'm stuck, Jeh.

They fired me.

They fucking fired me from my own company.

It's okay.

It's okay.

Take your time.

I think I'm frozen.

I just have to finish counting the number of...

tiles on the floor.

Ya, these...

tiles are pretty interesting, aren't they?

And anyway, there's nothing super exciting happening outside.

Except that my...

half Goan, half Parsi...

fully mad family is hitting peak madness.

Melvin uncle just touched Diana aunty's ass.

You made me forget my count.

That's okay.

Let's start from the beginning.

We have all the time in the world.

Okay.

C'mon, I'll count with you.

Okay.

Start from the...

right top corner?

One...

- Two... - Two...

- Three... - Three...

- Four... - Four...

- Five... - Five...

- Six... - Six...

- Seven... - Seven...

Eight...

Nine...

"Gonna get you, gonna get you..."

Fuck you.

I'm going to fucking sue their pants off.

The whole fucking board, you watch.

It's okay, Anj.

It was anyway time.

They were making it impossible for me.

So, now what?

No freaking clue!

It's like being twenty one again, you know.

Where are the years going?

It's like I was twenty one yesterday.

I was. Twenty one.

Like almost yesterday.

Shut up, Ms Baby Patel.

Twenty one was awful, guys.

Final year of LLB at NLS.

No idea how to talk to boys.

And the worst fashion sense ever!

Hey, you guys know those lists...

with thirty things to do before you're thirty?

- Oh, my God. - Oh, God!

I used to read all of them.

Who makes these lists?

Who are these people?

Seriously, man.

This Manali to Leh solo bike trip.

Go to a Buddhist monastery...

and make noodle soup with the lamas.

Quit your job, go to Goa and sell beaded necklaces.

- And party. - Ya...

Sky dive.

Confront life and death.

Which I do every day...

while crossing traffic on Peddar Road.

Hey! Guys...

One really good one.

Sex in the rainforest with...

creatures crawling up your bottom.

Or maybe in an airplane loo...

with the tap up your butt!

I've never gone for a trek.

Or had sex.

I mean, not in a rainforest or an airplane.

Sids, did you just forget that you had sex?

Girls!

We've been looking for you everywhere.

Awww...

Looking for your mommy?

Diaper change?

Need a spanking?

Wow.

These girls are mean, aren't they?

Just bad alcohol behaviour.

Hey...

Why is your nose so crooked?

Why are you such a grouch?

Need a spanking?

Damini, don't you want to cut your cake?

Oh, yeah!

- Cake! Cake! - Cake! Cake!

How long have you been married for?

Fifty nine years.

Wow! That's...

And it's been bliss.

- Ya? - We have such fun together.

Like I'll say to him,

'Move over, fatso.'

And he'll say, 'Okay, flatso.'

Why does he call you 'flatso'?

Because I'm flat.

I don't have a big bosom.

Okay.

Hi, baby!

Mama, we went to Bandra flea market.

Wow! Flea market!

But there was no flea.

Only mosquitos.

One bit me also.

My arm was red, red.

Oh, sorry...

Kavya aunty put cream,

now it's better.

Hi, Arya...

Hi!

Mama, who's that?

Baby, I'm going to speak to you later, okay?

Bye! Love you!

Sorry, I...

- I should've asked... - Never...

do that again.

Hello, Ms Usain Bolt.

What happened?

Got tired of running?

Look...

I...

really, really like you, Siddi-Piddi.

And I want this to go somewhere meaningful.

I'm just here for two weeks...

and then I return to New York.

And then I don't know when I'll ever...

Wow!

Damini...

You always know what to do.

Not this time, Mom.

Your prodigal daughter is clueless.

Are you disappointed?

Damini...

You're a journalist.

With or without Investigator.com.

They can take away your title...

but they can never take away your talent.

Happy birthday, darling.

You know what?

Everything's going to be alright.

Okay?

Thank you.

Don't worry.

Bye.

Hi...

- Bye, Jeh. - Bye, bye.

- Bye, bye. - Bye!

Thanks for coming.

Next week.

Next stop, Truck Bar.

Come fast.

Guys, don't run.

Wait up, ya!

Good morning.

Good morning, beautiful.

That is a beautiful way to wake up.

Shall we go for a walk?

We can have breakfast at a shack.

Walk?

Costume trial in a bit.

So cancel it.

It's my film, Umang.

I can't be a diva.

Then give me five minutes.

I'll get ready and come along.

Or...

You could...

go to the gym.

I heard it's awesome.

What is the problem?

Don't come to the shoot.

Don't come to the costume trial.

The other day, at the party,

you introduced me as your trainer.

Am I an embarrassment to you?

What? Don't be mad.

Then what's the problem?

Look...

I have to keep...

my personal life private.

You know how the tabloids are.

When you were with Raghuveer Singh...

your personal life was all over the tabloids.

Umang...

All this...

is new for me.

Okay?

I can't just...

Can't just what?

I can't just come out of the closet.

My career will be over.

And I can't go back into the closet.

I fought against everyone in Ludhiana,

left behind those I loved, to make this life for myself.

I value it too damn much.

And I fought really hard to get exactly where I am.

Too hard to throw it all away, just like that.

- Just like that? - Ya.

- Just like that?! - Ya!

This is my first relationship with a woman.

I'm not even sure if I'm...

If I'm what?

I don't even know if I want this.

You knew it when you were fucking me.

Fuck the board.

Welcome back, Damini Rizvi Roy.