Original subtitles

Why is it that...

...we find it hardest to stand up to the person we love the most?

Is it because we’re scared of hurting them?

Or hurting ourselves?

I wandered lonely as a cloud...

...that floats so high... -Ready?

Siddhi...

...what is this?

Julie Didi's birthday gift.

Take it off now!

You look like a three-tiered birthday cake!

No!

What do you mean no?

Julie! I mean... -What is going on here?

This is what is going on Viju!

She looks like a strawberry meringue!

You know I need this evening to be perfect.

I have to prove to these people that we're a perfect family.

And now this... -What are you saying Sneha.

Aren't we already perfect?

Oh please!

Julie, ten minutes.

Change her.

Our guests will be here any minute.

This is important for your mother.

So let's do this for her.

Quickly change your dress and come sweetheart.

I wandered lonely as a cloud...

...that floats all high...

...over valleys and hills.

When all at once...

...I saw a crowd...

...a host of golden daffodils.

Besides the lake...

...beneath the trees...

...fluttering and dancing...

Whoa!

Siddhi!

I'm so sorry.

So this pretty gift is from...

Sejal!

Very sweet. -They're all the same.

Well done Sejal.

These botoxed women...

Their eyebrows are permanently surprised.

When I break our news to them...

...their eyebrows will fly off their faces.

If you hate them so much, why are they your friends?

Grow up Siddhi.

That's life.

Sometimes you socialise with people...

...even if you don't like them.

??

There she is!

Congratulations. -Thank you.

Congratulations darling.

Thank you. And you look lovely.

Thank you Aunty.

And ladies... I have big news.

So do I.

You know my nephew Pavan?

He just got engaged.

Kinjal Lakhani.

Ms. NRI 2014 runner up!

With her.

Wow! That's really good news.

Siddhi, what did you do that...

...Pavan just got engaged to the very next girl he met?

Karate chops?

By the way, you know whose daughter Kinjal is, don't you?

Surpriya and Akash Bhatt.

Oh no.

Sneha, wasn't your engagement with him called off?

And didn't your father gift him a car as good omen?

Then why did the engagement break Sneha?

Mona, today my Viju's net worth is...

...three times more than Akash.

And your nephew, Pavan?

I'm sorry to say but he eats chicken.

I'm thrilled that Siddhi narrowly escaped him.

In any case, I believe in destiny.

Kuki's son, Mohit? -Yes?

Siddhi and he clicked like that.

And you know that family, right?

Only Mercedes and BMWs.

And they have this exquisite home in Dubai Marina.

Ladies, please save your dates for December.

I will throw Siddhi a destination wedding...

...no one will ever forget.

He's such a handsome boy, Mona.

And great personal style.

He does all of Kuki's personal shopping for her.

Really?

Once you two get married,

I'm appointing Mohit my personal stylist.

But Sneha Aunty...

Mohit is gay.

Isn't he?

How long have you known this?

Since the beginning.

Why Siddhi!

Why do you always embarrass me in front of others?

Sneha is such a liar.

Do you know why her engagement broke?

Her father gifted Akash a car alright...

...but he hadn't fully paid for it.

Really? -Yes.

Why is Mummy so mean, Julie Didi?

Listen baby,

Madam is always on a diet.

That's why her blood sugar level is always low.

You know, in our Goa, there is one saying.

Always hungry means...

...always angry.

See... My favourite.

Lemon and chocolate!

That's why I made them.

When will you teach me how to make cupcakes?

The next time Madam leaves town.

Promise.

I love your cupcakes.

I love you.

But I hate her.

Hey Sidi-Pidi...

...it's me.

Take this...

Your papa's famous Mojito.

Papa, why did you marry her?

I wish I was never born.

Siddhi, please.

Don't say such things.

Why don't you ever say anything to Sneha?

You know Papa, mom has never once...

...looked at me with love.

She's always judging me.

It's like I can never do anything right.

I'm a perpetual embarrassment for her.

You know still, every day,

I just wait for her to say...

...I love you Sidi-Pidi.

Like you do.

But she's never going to say it, is she?

You know your mother sweetheart.

She loves you very much.

But in her own Sneha Patel style.

Papa, please don't lie to me.

I swear on your cupcakes.

Now take this...

...our only companion when we're sad.

I don't want it.

How can you not want it?

I've made it extra strong just for you.

Take it quickly.

Drink up... Come.

Cheers!

Cheers.

Really?

Cheers, darling. -Cheers.

Oh my God... Don't do that.

You're not going to miss me at all.

Here. Xerxes' toys...

Did I hear Xerxes?

And...

his food bowl... -I did, didn't I?

His favourite blankie, everything's in here.

Also tell your mum his favourite is milk bread.

And you have to force him to drink water...

...otherwise he gets dehydrated.

Ok?

And also...

O how the mighty have fallen.

What?

Ms. Rizvi Roy's in love...

Oh please! C'mon, out with it.

The minute I wake up, he licks my face.

Ok fine, I admit, maybe I'm a little...

...tad bit attached.

Oh my God!

Your maternal instincts are awakening.

Shut up!

Shhh...

What is that noise?

Is that the sound of your biological clock ticking?

Out.

Out of my house!

Right now. -Yes, it is.

Go. -Yes, it is.

So I was watching this TV show...

...about women,

you know,

doing crazy things!

TV show?

Ok, I did an online search.

I don't have experience.

No worries. I'll show you.

Mamma, I want princess dress!

I want princess dress!

I want princess dress! -Arya, no tantrums.

I want princess dress! -You know better than that.

I want princess dress!

Okay, I'm going. -I want princess dress!

What are...

leave it.

Arya...

Fuck.

Arya, very bad.

Hi Arya!

Hi, Pookie aunty! -Hi!

What are you guys doing here?

Nothing, we were just like...

You know just...

Just walking around.

Pookie aunty, I want princess dress.

Oh!

A princess dress?

She's just driving me mad.

Arya...

Only boring girls wear princess dresses.

You're not a princess.

You're a warrior.

Like Wonder Woman.

Yes?

Mamma, I don't want princess dress.

I'm Wonder Woman.

Wow! Finally.

Do you want to get a coffee?

Ya, sure.

Sure!

You're quite good with kids.

Sister to...

...three siblings.

So you were shopping?

Out buying socks for Varun.

Wow!

Varun finally shifted from slippers to shoes?

I wish!

I'm trying.

A little cleanliness, is that too much to ask for?

Oh my God.

Please don't remind me.

Wash basin used to be filled with his post shave stubble.

And his clipped toe nails in the pot.

Wet towel on the bed, on the sofa...

Sometimes on top of ironed clothes and...

...under the treadmill, his slippers!

Does he still wear...

...his undies in reverse the next day?

Oh God! Yes!

Why! Why! Why! -Ugh!

Fuck!

Hey...

The equation I have with Arya...

I don't want to be her mom.

And I can't, even if I tried.

It's just that...

Arya's very important to Varun and...

I just want to be the fun aunt.

Sometimes,

I wish I could be the fun aunt.

Work pressure,

mother's guilt, household chores...

I wish I had one day...

...to just be me.

And not Arya's mamma.

I mean is it too much to ask for?

Like just... one fucking day!

I know what you're saying.

In all the roles we play,

whilst living for everyone else,

we forget to live a little for ourselves.

Maybe it's time we reclaim that!

We all need to learn how to please ourselves.

Did you just say that?

Ya!

I've done it.

I've bought myself a vibrator.

How'd you do it?

Like did you have to stick it in like a fire stick?

Dude! Clit play!

I'm going to make you google vagina.

Seriously. I know what a clit is!

Mostly Ms. VeeVee won't need it.

My meet and greet is about to begin.

Dude! Oh my goodness!

You're the only person who'd call an online date...

...a meet and greet!

Seriously!

But it is right?

Hey, hi! How do you do?

Doggy style?

Missionary?

Anal?

Okay, so what role are you going to play?

Is it going to be like lost babe in the woods?

Or is it going to be like...

Come here! Let me teach you a thing or two!

Hey! MPDG!

What is MPDG?

Sounds like a disease.

It kind of is.

Manic Pixie Dream Girl.

This bohemian dream girl who writes poetry.

Can drink any guy under the table.

And...who pees in the streets.

Ya. She talks to the clouds.

And whose IQ is like that of a five-year old.

The one who dances in the rain.

Wow!

Not for cardio.

Just because she's free spirited!

They're like horny unicorns!

They have carefree sex and...

...then just like that, they disappear.

Because commitment is a myth.

Basically, every guy's fantasy come true.

That's my fantasy as well.

Mangs,

they exist just so that they can...

...save the hero from his disgusting, boring life.

You are the antithesis of that.

You live only for yourself, ok?

By the way, where can I find these strange creatures?

Like in the zoo?

In books, films...shows.

Written by men.

Made by men.

For men.

Wow.

I can understand this...

...drinking-them-under-the-table business, right?

But peeing in the streets?

I mean, c'mon! I do Kegels.

Wait, wait, wait, wait... Wow!

What is Kegels now?

Okay wait. Who is Kegels?

Not who, what.

So basically, it's a pelvic flow muscular exercise.

On the count of three, clench and then release alright?

One, two, three...

Clench!

And then release.

One more time, clench!

And then release.

Oh shit! -Yes!

I think I just peed a little. What!

Listen, you got your peeing-on-the-streets fantasy!

Fuck! Finally!

Where should we head?

She has to pee!

I'm ok, I think.

I'm so hungry. Let's go eat.

We have to find her a loo!

Oh my God.

Did you read about Karan and Shaina's love child?

Seriously, what the fuck! I was so shocked!

This Investigator.com app is so cool. See...

Show.

Check it out.

Amazing!

Where do they get this stuff?

I know!

Damn cool!

I know!

Excuse me.

Ya?

Reading about people's affairs and love children is not fun.

It's ridiculous.

I'm sorry?

You should be, for reading crap like this.

Don't you read real news?

This is news.

Ya...

Investigator.com used to be one of the...

...most trustworthy news sites for the last three years.

And because of low IQ dumbos like you,

we have to now publish cheap gossip.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

You know what?

Why don't you stop thinking about who's fucking whom...

...and actually start thinking about...

...how you think you're fucking the system...

...but actually, it's the system that's fucking you!

Idiots!

Hashtag weirdo!

Hey!

Oh hi...

How are you?

Good.

You...

Are you okay?

Ya...

You're crying...

I'm so sorry... I'm so sorry.

What happened?

I'm so sorry.

Oh my God.

This is so embarrassing. -What's wrong?

I'm so sorry.

Is everything okay? -Ya, ya...

I'm so sorry.

This doesn't happen to me. -It's okay. It's alright.

It's alright.

Should I take you home?

I'll take you home.

Feeling better?

Ya...

Are you sure you're okay?

Damini...

You're my patient.

Not right now.

A woman has eight erogenous zones.

The ear.

The neck.

The breasts.

Ouch!

Sorry you okay?

Ya ya...that's fine...go on.

Wait!

Those were...

...expensive.

The vagina.

The cervix.

And finally...

The piece de resistance...

What's that?

Getting to your...

G-spot.

Okay...

Here?

No...

Here?

Uh...not there either...

Here.

And they say the G-spot is a myth.

We are done?

Well, today was about you.

Next time...

...will be about both of us.

Oh!

Okay.

Hi baby!

Check out the new books.

Hmm...

So you and Kavya are bonding now?

I knew it.

She told you?

It's just a fucking vibrator.

I'm sorry, what?

Mom has a rocket in her bag.

Wow!

From no sex to sex on tap?

Anj,

you're beginning to worry me now.

Awww...

Don't be worried sweetheart.

I'm just an overworked, single mom...

...whose ex-husband...

...doesn't contribute a single penny.

Who thinks he's twenty years old...

...and changes his girlfriend every six months.

So I'm really sorry...

...if I decided to relieve myself of...

...some of the stress.

Bye Arya!

Bye.

It's a date not a meet and greet.

Ya, I'm meeting him at the bar.

Dinner is too much commitment.

If I don't like him, I'll just say bye to him.

Besides I'm meeting a...

...meeting a new intern for a job interview later.

Ya.

Hi!

Ok, I gotta go. Bye.

Hi!

Hi.

I hope I didn't make you wait too long...

No, not at all.

Okay.

Ya.

You're very good looking.

Your photo does you no justice.

You look a lot younger than your picture as well.

Well,

sue me for being hot.

So, is it your first time or...

...you're like a pro?

Actually, this is my fourth meeting.

Window shopping?

No, I've actually just given a few... It's alright.

I'm window shopping too.

I think we all deserve the best.

Of course.

Do you want to play a little game?

Sure.

Boxers or briefs?

Legal briefs.

Nice...

Lawyer joke, nice!

Your turn.

My turn, right.

Civil or criminal?

Civil when you're nice...

and criminal...

...when you're dirty.

For fear of contempt of court.

Oh shit.

Shit, he's early.

Can you just give me five minutes?

Ya. -Ya?

And...

...order me a Chianti, will you?

Ah...sure.

Don't be so nervous.

Just...

...imagine me without clothes.

You'll be fine.

Hi.

Hi. -I'm Anjana Menon.

Nice to meet you.

Please sit.

There is no need for formality.

Actually it's my first time so...

Ah! Don't worry. I'll teach you everything...

...as long as you are willing to learn.

Ya, I'm more than willing.

Super. Let's get started.

Now?

Ya.

Okay, so...

...should we go to a hotel or...

Why a hotel? Why not here?

Here?

You mean like...

...in the washroom?

Oh!

You need to go?

No.

Sorry I...

I'm a little confused.

Okay...

You know what?

Let's start afresh.

Ya. -Ya?

Let's do that. -So tell me about your strengths.

Okay.

So, I'm extremely fun loving.

Easy going.

I'm a great listener.

Right. -Very caring.

And I...

...give the best foot massages.

Okay!

And your weaknesses?

I don't have any.

I can go five times in one night.

Let's start again.

Hi, I'm Anjana Menon,

Senior Associate at Lalwani and Jhunjhunwalas.

Arjun...Nair.

It is an absolute pleasure to meet you.

I'm a huge fan.

I have read all your articles in Lawyers Today.

And I have also studied your cases in NLS.

Thanks.

So did you hire the intern?

Obviously.

Else, he would've sued me for sexual harassment.

See you Jeh...

Hey, no last order?

Nah, I'm done.

Hey listen,

I'm really sorry I crossed the line.

When?

You know when I said all that...

...biological clock nonsense.

Can I give you one advice?

Yes, tell me...

Please, never be a stand-up comedian.

Bad jokes are in my genes.

If you ever come to Goa to meet Xerxes...

...you'll see how crazy my Parsi family is.

And how unfunny.

Seriously though, anytime.

I also make a mean fish curry.

Sold.

You always leave too soon.

I thought I always overstayed.

No, never.

Hey, hang on.

Irish single malt.

The best.

Stay?

Mamma!

God you scared me!

Look at the state you're in.

Are you drunk?

From tomorrow, you will stop hanging out...

...with those loose girls.

Loose?

Mama, Umang works out everyday.

She's so tight, you know...

It's no wonder even Pavan rejected you.

Good riddance.

He wanted to suck my toes.

So?

Some guys like toes and some guys like breasts.

But if you keep rejecting boys like this,

you'll be alone forever.

And if you don't get married,

what do you have Siddhi?

Do you even love me?

Excuse me?

You tore me up coming out of me Siddhi!

Then why did you give birth to me?

You should've had an abortion!

Or you should've just handed me over to Julie Didi!

Atleast she loved me!

All our problems would be solved!

All our problems!

Julie?

The one who kept feeding you cupcakes as a kid...

...and gave you so many problems?

And you think she cared for you more than I do?

Yes, she did.

I loved her more than I will ever love you.

Infact I just...

...hate you!

Yes yes...you can hate me all you like Siddhi!

But that won't get you a nice boy to marry!

One meeting with that Mohit boy...

...and he turned gay!

He chose men over you!

Shut up! Just shut up Sneha!

You know what?

Maybe...just maybe...

...you should try eating once in a while!

It might make you a nicer person!

Julie Didi! Cheese toast!

Siddhi baby, salad.

Siddhi!

This is our new maid, Lekha Didi.

Where's Julie Didi?

I had to fire her baby.

That witch had turned this place into a cupcake factory.

C'mon, eat your salad.