Original subtitles

We get stuck in the past.

Just because it's familiar.

We are so scared of the future...

that we prefer to live in the past.

This is the way we touch ourselves,

touch ourselves... touch ourselves...

This is the way we touch ourselves...

on a cold n' frosty morning.

This is the way we rub our clit,

rub our clit...

This is the way we rub our clit...

- on a cold... - Grandma!

Now tell me, how is Varun?

He must be fine.

And I'm fine as well.

Thanks for asking.

We chat with each other everyday.

Thank you Radha.

Come sweetheart...

go and play there.

I'm so glad...

that I brought my tea leaves with me.

If you don't steep the leaves,

then you haven't tasted real tea.

And your tea bags,

you know what's in them, don't you?

Tea dust.

You've been telling me this since I was a kid.

The first flush is really nice.

But the second flush,

that is the best!

By the way, you're beginning to sound just like dad.

I've come here to take a break...

from your father for a few days.

Really?

All okay?

Ever since he retired,

he's become a nuisance.

Now I'm his cook, valet, bearer, gardener, everything.

Really, I need this holiday Anju.

And how long is this holiday planned for?

It's my granddaughter's fourth birthday.

How could I not be here!

Arya, I remember the day you were born.

And Mama, do you?

Mama?

Mama was on Epidural.

She doesn't remember a thing.

Why don't you also tell her that mama didn't cry but her father did?

Such a sensitive, creative man. Ya...

Pooky aunty is very nice.

Pooky aunty?

Who is Pooky aunty?

Is she real or imaginary?

Real.

Papa's special friend.

Anju, really, this is your fault.

I agree.

Especially the way she was conceived.

Yuck!

Smells like some cheap bar in here.

Whose idea was it...

to take me drinking during happy hour!

Shut up!

It's not that bad!

Fuck.

Shit.

I think the condom broke.

Don't worry.

My periods got over this morning.

Thank you universe.

Again... again... again.

God!

How did we end up here!

I'm fucked!

Technically...

that's how we ended up here.

I told you not to use those Thailand condoms.

You only told me to buy it because...

it has this dragon fruit flavour on it.

I said 'Look it has a vibrating ring...'

And the next thing I know,

you bought it!

I don't even know if I like them.

Condoms?

Babies.

Baby, most people don't like babies.

Until they have their own.

Baby, most people like babies till they have their own!

What if I'm not maternal?

C'mon now...

You are very maternal.

Very.

No seriously.

You take care of a big baby like me right?

Everything will change.

Ya...

You'll have to quit drinking wine for a year and a half.

What about my career?

I'm working so hard to become a Senior Associate.

We'll share the load okay?

We'll get a maid.

I'll be at home most of the time.

And that way I can work on my script also.

Mama will go through the roof in rage.

Ya!

Shit.

And your father is going to kill you.

Okay, just see and tell me.

Okay, but before that, will you marry me?

What?

Ms. Anjana Menon,

I want to have cheap beer,

cheap sex,

using cheap condoms with you...

for the rest of my life.

Marry me please...

You're mad. I'm going to see it.

Fuck! I'm pregnant!

Oh shit!

We are pregnant!

What are you doing!

Okay listen...

I won't change my name after marriage.

Don't change anything about yourself, my love.

Hello there...

I'm just showing off in my sexy bikini...

for all my friends out there.

Would you like to join me on my couch?

Come baby...

Hello, I'm your sexy maid.

Is that some dirt?

I'm going to clean you up real good.

This Mohit is mad.

Wait till it's perfectly cooked.

Add a pinch of rosemary.

Siddhi!

Oh shit!

Mohit Bhatwal.

The hotelier?

He's in Massani Hospital right now.

Is he dying?

Even better.

He's in rehab.

Sarika Shaikh?

She's gone to LA for a film-making course right?

Wrong.

My friend, who's a doctor at Sinai, told me...

that she's trying to buy out all of Silicon Valley.

Get it?

Akanksha.

Huh?

My team here is crime and political reporters.

They don't do this sh... This 'sh♪♪'...

is what's going to put money in their salary accounts.

A sting is a sting.

And a source is a source.

So get on with it.

Kyra Kapoor.

Is she pregnant or not?

I want exclusive pictures...

that proves that she's preggers.

Follow her, stalk her, do whatever.

Who will do it?

Great!

Go!

Keep that tempo up.

Yes, good job.

Back straight.

Yes. C'mon, let's go, let's go.

C'mon, c'mon.

Let's go.

Thirty-seven.

Good job, keep your back straight.

I wanna see that sweat! Give it everything.

Give it everything! C'mon!

You've got to do work!

Push!

Shit. Shit. Shit!

It's okay, that was quite an intense session.

No. It's not okay.

If this keeps up, injury and pack up on the third day itself.

I mean, you don't understand, this is my last chance.

But it's just crunches, Samara. It's okay.

Look, everything matters. Even a crunch.

What? What's so funny?

Sorry, I'm having a fangirl moment.

Because my idol Samara Kapoor...

is sitting here and getting upset over crunches.

As a trainer, this is the best moment of my life.

So go on, keep laughing.

Okay, let's try another technique.

The T.U.L. style.

T.U.L.?

The Umang Ludhiyanvi style.

- Okay. - Ya?

Okay!

Futhermucker! Mothersmucker!

Futhermucker! Mothersmucker!

Dickhead!

Dickhead!

Suck my balls!

Suck my balls!

Grandmama's vagina!

Grandmama's vagina!

Fuck my ass!

Fuck my ass!

Now that's more like it!

That was awesome.

You are amazing.

Whoo!

Seventy-two...

Sixty-eight...

Sixty-four...

Sixty...

Double espresso kind of day?

Back off! Back the fuck off!

Oh, Damini...

you look really stressed.

Detox!

You know Mulshi?

It's a lakeside town near Pune.

They do some amazing Vipasana retreat spas.

You should really go.

Stay out of my shit and I'll stay out of yours.

Please.

Didn't you get the memo?

I'm here to do your shit.

So get off your idealistic high horse...

and get with the program.

Cause I'm here to stay.

C'mon... give it to me.

Harder.

Give it to me! Harder!

Harder! Harder!

I'm trying!

Did you see the link?

What link?

What link?

What link?

So our Siddhi's not so innocent after all.

You saw the link.

You liked what you saw.

Listen...

there was this dude...

who was barbecuing in just an apron!

And I kept thinking...

what if...

what if he barbecued something else!

You know what that means right?

What?

Now when you bake, you know what you got to do.

You know what you got to do! Yuck! Mohit you're so dirty!

I love you.

- I love you too. - Bye.

- Call me okay? - I will.

- Bye. - Bye.

I love you, bye!

When did you come home?

If you have any questions,

ask away.

About what?

About...

feelings in the body.

Ewww! Mom please!

Siddhi!

I really like the sound of this.

Siddhi weds Mohit!

You know what, tell me, which do you prefer?

♪ Simo or ♪MoSi?

It doesn't matter.

I like them both!

I'm going to call Kooki aunty!

Nothing has changed in ten years.

All the good men are either taken or gay.

Ya... that's right.

You guys, one word.

Online.

But that's for...

What? Sex?

Meaningless hook-ups?

But these days, every meaningful relationship...

begins online.

But who would want me?

What do you mean?

Look at you, you're hot, successful...

And a mom.

Ladies.

Wow... even before we could order?

It's...

from them.

We're all just a bunch of vaginas to them.

Ladies,

drink up and follow me.

- Cheers. - Cheers.

Hi boys!

Hi girls.

So my name is Mayank,

this is Sid, Ryan and Saif.

I'm Umang.

I'm a trainer.

Bisexual.

Looking for adventure.

Keep one word in mind.

Consent.

No anal allowed...

and oral only if you're willing to do it as well.

I'm Anjana.

A lawyer, a single mother...

and my vagina...

just refuses to come.

I'm Damini.

Start-up founder, still, I hope...

Super smart, super successful...

and earns more than all your combined salaries.

I also masturbate pretty often.

Much more efficient than sex.

I'm Siddhi. I'm a virgin.

My mom hates me.

She wants me to marry a pure vegetarian boy...

from the same community.

But I love non-veg.

Unfortunately, I can't kick your ass today...

because I'm wearing very high heels but...

what are your plans for tomorrow?

Mangs, stop it!

Mangs, stop! Stop!

- Mangs! - Dating app upload done!

All hail the hook up expert! Mangs, stop it!

Mangs! Don't you dare! It's done.

It's done Anj!

I mean, on one hand, you say...

there are no men.

And when some poor guy shows interest...

you scare him away?

Please! They were so not into us!

Idiots.

Anyway, on a more serious note,

if you ever have trouble...

with any of the patrons,

just call me.

How macho!

Will you beat them up and save us?

Are you crazy?

Not at all.

Then?

I'll watch them get thrashed by you girls...

and I'll make a viral video of it.

How's the dog?

Good, I think.

What have you named him?

Nothing. He's not mine.

So why make attachments?

I didn't mean it like that, you know.

When you call out to him,

what do you say?

Dog.

Dog?

An ode to all the men past.

Oh please!

All the men!

How many men do you think there have been?

It's plural. It can just as well be two.

It's your guilty conscience talking.

It's not my guilty conscience okay!

How about Xerxes?

Who's Xerxes?

My 16 year old cousin.

You want me to date your sixteen year old cousin?

No. I mean the dog.

How about naming the dog Xerxes?

You want me to name the dog after your cousin?

Why not? He's cute, fluffy, he's hairy, he's...

The dog?

No.

My cousin.

Oh my God! Okay!

One second...

Problem?

No, just some work stuff.

Ya...

Sorry. Ya...

Another drink?

I'm so sorry, stock-taking time.

No, of course.

Actually even I have a really early start tomorrow.

What was I thinking.

Okay, cool.

Thank you for the whiskey.

- Sure. - This was great.

Ya...

See you.

Ciao.

Fuck! You're on fire tonight!

I'm off to New York tomorrow for two months!

You're going to have to care of yourself for a while!

Don't worry, I'm self sufficient.

Don't I know that baby!

Damini! I can hear strange noises.

That's just the dog!

What do you mean dog!

The dog!

Dog?!

Shut up!

But like...

the men.

Worse than the women.

No matter where you look,

they're moving around with a six pack obsession.

And...

their hands are tiny...

And their feet are like two...

What?

- Sarkando? - Sarkando.

Sarkando?

Bamboo sticks.

Oh. I had no idea.

Sarkando.

Do I need to give you Hindi lessons too?

All lessons welcome.

You know, I'm a fast learner.

Oh shit...

I'm... I'm sorry.

I don't know what I was doing.

So it's late.

And...

I'm shooting tomorrow...

early morning.

Okay...

Ya, ya…

No problem.

Oh my God! Arya's coming first.

No, no...

Mama's going to come first!

Hey Ratan...

The Mizwani case?

But the concall isn't till Monday right?

Now?

I'm in the middle of...

Okay fine, I'll see you, bye.

I'm assuring you they can't sue you, Mr. Mizwani.

No, you're not in breach.

I've made a watertight contract for you, Sir.

Yes, Sir.

In fact, we can sue them for being in breach.

You're very welcome, Sir.

That's what I'm here for.

Have a good day.

Thank God for you Anjana!

Fifty-five bloody minutes!

Can't believe I had to miss my golf game for this.

One more Saturday gone.

I was just blowing some balloons.

You know they have people for that, don't you?

I like organizing Arya's parties myself.

You can't have it all babe.

Mom!

Oh my God!

Mom, you did this with Radha?

It's...

Oh my God! It's amazing!

I just...

I just love it!

Hi...

Hi!

Do you like it?

It's... it's amazing.

I'm so glad!

Actually, your mom said you were running a little late...

so I ran out and bought some stuff.

Sorry...

Did you do all of this?

Yes...

Wow!

Wow! Thank you. I'm so glad that you like it.

Ya, it's really nice.

- Thanks so much. - Yay!

Quickly, quickly...

Choo, choo, choo!

Come, let's dance?

- I'm good, I'm good. - C'mon...

I'm fine. Don't insist please. Okay.

C'mon...

It's okay.

Yay!

One, two, three!

Oh my God!

- It's the pink scooty! - Wow!

Baby, I went to four shops to get this you know?

Shall we give Arya our present as well?

Ya c'mon... give, give...

Okay, okay.

Do you like it?

Arya...

Teddy!

So cute!

She really likes him! That's so sweet.

Arya, do you just love him...

or do you love him?

Love him. Even more than Buttoo.

- Amazing! - You want this?

Take Buttoo on scooter...

Ya!

Such fun!

Anj...

I'm sorry but I have to say this...

I think she's trying to make it work.

Dee...

I think she's just trying to steal my kid.

Okay, look at this.

It's same same!

Anj, relax!

All she's done is bought a cake!

Mad.

Oops!

Shit!

Had bought a cake rather.

Anj, what is this bitchy step-wife mode?

I'm scared right now!

It's called bitch-mode baby and it's on now!

Kavya! What's up man...

Hey! Shit...

I'm so sorry Kavya, you know...

This stupid kid Vivaan came running and just...

No don't...

Don't worry about it, it's okay...

No, no, it's fine, it's fine.

I'll take care of it. It's really fine.

- Let me help you. - No it's fine.

But you know what, we have another cake.

It's very sweet of you to have, you know...

It's okay.

Help me clean up guys!

It's okay.

It's okay to be jealous.

Mom please! I'm not jealous.

I asked for the divorce, remember?

I wonder...

what he sees in Kavya.

There's no glow on her face.

And just look at those small hips.

How on earth will she deliver a baby?

You are so mean.

She's just tea bags.

Only dust.

And you're second flush.

Just right.

Hey...

What are you doing?

Taking some of my pictures with Arya.

We want to make this little...

album and keep it at home.

'We' meaning?

Kavs and me.

I hope you don't mind.

Remember this one?

You come into my home, ruin my picture album...

you're asking me if I don't mind.

Of course I mind.

But you have soft copies on your computer right?

You can print new copies...

else I'll get them printed for you.

It's no big deal.

I'm only taking the ones with Arya and me.

Breaking this family up once wasn't enough for you?

Fuck man! It's just a photo album!

It is not just a photo album!

Okay so only you get to keep her photos?

You're the one who's fucking moving on, okay.

Making a happy family and home sweet home...

and all that fucking bullshit!

So you also move on.

What's the matter with you?

Who's stopping you?

Take this fucking album!

This whole fucking damn thing!

Move on.

I'll fucking show you what moving on is asshole.

Congrats!

So tell me, what do I do now?

Okay...

Ball is in your court.

Make a plan...

and go on a date.

Simple.

With all of them?

Anj!

You're going on a date, not opening a harem!

Keep some filters.

Okay...

What kind of filters?

Size filters.

You know... how big or small.

I'm serious.

I'm serious! Look at their pictures and decide.

Do it now, c'mon!

Seven...

Four...

Eight...

Eight...

Six...

Fifteen...

What the fuck is fifteen?

He's not a prehistoric man!

Really? It's not that much.

I mean fifteen is this much, right?

Oh my God.

No, no, no. It's like... It's like...

Ya...

You just visualized it, didn't you?

Shhh!

Arya's sleeping.

What are you all doing outside in the middle of the night?

Actually aunty, we were doing something important.

We were trying to find a match for Ms. VeeVee.

But we found one. It's all good.

Please go back to bed. Goodnight.

Goodnight mom.

I'll walk you to your room.