Original subtitles

I like cardio.

That's why I ran away and came here.

New friends. A new life.

But no matter how far we run,

can we really run away from ourselves?

Hi!

Oh... sa... ka...

Osaka.

You don't look Japanese.

No, no...

It's Umang.

I know, Umang.

We've met before. At the gym. Remember?

Come in.

This way.

This film is very important for my career.

I mean, a woman reaches a certain age...

and the movies just dry up.

You know, all these 50 year old film stars...

they all want 22 year old heroines.

So...

I'm producing this film.

It's about an ordinary middle class Indian girl...

who goes on to becoming India's first MMA World Champion.

Against all odds!

So...

I have to look like I can fuckin' fight!

And when I walked into the gym and saw you bench a 100...

I knew right away...

that only you can train me.

So... am I being too ambitious?

No... possible...

Not possible?

Ah! Shit!

I knew it wouldn't be possible.

No, no, I meant...

of course it's possible.

Why isn't it possible? Anything is possible!

I mean take the word 'impossible' for instance.

It has 'I-M-POSSIBLE' hidden in it.

♪ Sweatisfatcrying ♪knowhowtogohome

#liftallday.

Just have a little faith and it's going to be absolutely...

Oh!

Oh!

Did you smoke up before coming here?

No.

Sorry...

I'm such an ass!

Don't look at me like that...

Are you going to now tax me for looking at you?

Umi, we were young and naïve back then.

Naïve...

I'm now 24...

I want to get married...

Fast for my husband...

I want kids...

Just not with me.

Haven't you studied biology?

When you're with me,

I understand biology a little better.

Umi, the sooner you understand this, the better.

We have no future together.

Why?

Who says so?

Because only a privileged few have the right to fall in love.

The rest of us have to get married.

'We have to do this, we have to be responsible...'

Since when have you started wallowing in this kind of nonsense?

C'mon, let's run away to Mumbai together!

What shenanigans are the two of you up to?

We were just doing some cardio.

Trying to get some running practice going.

Pinky, you're looking so pretty in this pink outfit.

I'm starving. Make me something to eat...

Of course, in a minute.

And you...

go get me some water.

How about you jump in a well and drown yourself!

Who's going to marry you if you keep up this attitude?

Unlike you, I'm not desperate to get married.

Insolent!

How do you even kiss him?

Doesn't he make you want to puke?

He's your brother...

for me, just a husband.

I told you, you've put on weight Siddhi.

What is this?

Deepika, what are we going to do with this girl?

Sneha, relax.

I've worked on such cases before.

I had a client who's lost 40 kilos.

But you know my chums are going to start in a few days...

So maybe it's the water retention... Siddhi, please.

This is not water retention.

You know, we have a community temple in New Jersey...

We have a matchmaker there, Mrs. Desai.

I sent her Siddhi's portfolio.

You know, the bitch turned around and told me...

once Siddhi is a size zero,

send me her new portfolio.

Can you imagine?

Okay Siddhi, we'll put you on the PC plan.

Priyanka Chopra's diet plan?

No.

PC.

Portion Control.

From now, you will eat as much in quantity...

and in variety as a 10 month baby.

I'm guaranteeing you...

3 kilos a week loss.

So spinach soup, lentil water, mashed veggies...

Baby formula!

Oh sorry, you're being serious.

This is all my mother-in-law's fault.

When I was pregnant,

she would feed me high calorie sweets everyday!

Siddhi's birth weight was 4.1 kilos.

I had to get 8 stitches.

And, of course, I've had to spend a fortune on tightening procedures!

And all your friends...

are size zero.

Zero.

I'm also size zero.

Except there's a one in front.

23 years it took me to figure out why Sneha hates my guts.

Yes!

Because I tore her vagina to shreds.

Poor thing...

I wonder what she feels during an orgasm.

Ewww! That's my mom!

I've heard there are creams for vagina tightening and lightening.

What?!

Which means men want fair and glowing down there as well.

But of course, it must glow in the dark.

Yes!

Losers!

You guys cheat too much.

In any case, after Arya's birth, I'm sure I look like a...

train wreck down there.

What do you mean?

Do you bathe with your eyes closed?

Guys, it has no use for me.

I haven't had sex since Arya was born.

Anj... Arya's almost four.

Plus half my pregnancy.

Regrown virginity.

It's an actual term.

I've read about it.

You mean the hymen grows back?

It's not exactly a lizard's tail that will grow back when it wants to!

But serious doubt... how do you masturbate?

I don't.

Oh my goodness! Seriously?

Why are you shouldering the burden of the whole world?

You just... really need to relax.

Do any of you have a compact?

No...

Thank you.

Go to the loo and make friends with Vagayanti.

Vagayanti is your one.

Mine is more like...

Ms.VeeVee.

VeeVee rhymes with PeePee... I like it.

Guys, that's my most expensive compact.

So?

She's not slipping it in... just taking a sneak peak.

Ms.VeeVee must have spun cobwebs down there by now.

Don't behave so badly with the poor thing!

Ahem.

You ladies done discussing your lady parts?

In fact, now we're discussing gent's parts.

So... how big is yours?

Oh.

Okay so...

there you are.

Ms.VeeVee...

any cobwebs yet?

Nope.

I'm strong.

How strong?

Can you shoot out ping pong balls?

Well, I did shoot Arya out after all.

There's a pool table outside.

Do you want to try with a cue ball?

Fuck!

This is ridiculous!

Fuck!

But...

why is it ridiculous Anjana?

Don't I...

deserve a little fun?

Fun?

Do you remember all the crazy things we did with Varun?

Sometimes four times in a night!

He was our Mount Vesuvius.

And he destroyed everything...

that came in his path!

Fuck!

No, no, please keep it! Sanitize it.

Thank you boys.

Bye, Sir.

See you tomorrow.

- Bye, Sir. - See you tomorrow.

Goodnight, Sir.

Jeh...

There's something out there...

Rats!

I'm just kidding. Here...

Wow... look what I found!

Hey there little boy...

Yuck.

Oh my God... he's so dirty!

He'll be clean. Once he has a bath.

Once he has a bath.

So you're not a dog person?

What is a dog person?

You know...

Loving.

Loyal.

I am loving, loyal.

- But selectively. - Which means you're a dog person.

Oh God!

Okay! Fine! If you insist.

What are you going to do with it now?

I don't know.

My building doesn't allow pets.

But I will take him to a shelter in Lonavala.

Tomorrow.

Why don't you keep him for the night?

No!

I mean since we've all found out you're a dog person.

- No! No! No way! - Please...

- C'mon... - No way!

Oh my God! Even a cactus doesn't survive in my house!

And this...

C'mon! One night...

Just one night!

I mean, look at him...

How can you say no to him? No! No! No Jeh!

Noooo!

Eat.

Mohit?

- Siddhi! - Hi!

This picnic thing for a first date is such a good idea!

Thank you.

You look fantastic!

Thank you.

But that empire line is not working for you.

Nah.

Oh God.

Turns out Mummy's boy is not straight?

Sorry?

That's popular code for 'you're gay'.

Except for my mother, everyone knows.

Wait hang on. Does that mean this date is off?

Hell no!

Let's go!

So... plump girl, gay boy.

You realize we could be our own rom-com.

Please. Not in India.

Here, they will find some way to get us married in the end.

Can I say something?

This little extra weight looks nice on you.

Makes your face glow.

Thank you!

I was double your size.

So then?

Zumba?

That too.

But I had one apple a day.

Now my immunity is fucked.

I'm constipated all the time.

But. Look on the bright side.

I can fit into any Tom Ford suit I want so...

what the fuck do I care.

So one second, you're saying I should just have an apple a day?

No, no, men love curves.

Dogs love bones.

Please. Say that to them.

Just look at them. So skinny.

It's like looking at them in 2D. I just want to... kill them.

The sound of their earrings dangling...

echoes through their skulls!

They're so like...

weird... strange...

They have to use 10 Instagram filters on every picture...

just to look half decent.

One second, look at that one okay.

Virgin.

That one is just ugly.

Slutty Angel.

And that one's a vegetarian.

You know what that means, right?

That will never happen.

Listen, I've no fucking idea what you're saying...

But I love you!

I think you need some affirmation from the world.

Okay...

I'll give you an idea. It will change your life.

What?

Seriously? Sexy lingerie?

Even better.

Hey Damini...

Hi! Dr. Warsi... what a surprise.

You live around here?

Ya... just round the corner.

Nice.

Me too.

I got my periods.

That's good.

Ya... relieved!

I got to go...

because of puppy.

You have a pet?

No, no, not my pet.

I'm taking care of a dog...

for a few days.

Are you feeding it?

Of course! Of course.

I've kept him in my spare bathroom for now.

I've laid out newspaper all over the floor.

He poops and pisses on it.

It's just easy to wrap and throw away.

But shouldn't you be taking him out for it?

Walk the dog, Damini.

You're right.

Leaving now...

walking the dog.

Bye.

Your...

Drink.

So sorry.

See you...

C'mon!

His Holy Dogness! Come, come.

Come, come.

Oh what a good boy. Come, come, puppy.

Come, come.

Hello...

What?

What do you mean?

Is there any such thing as a shelter not having place?

You can't do this to me, Jeh.

But you had said one day, remember?

Just one day.

No, no, not later!

You cannot hang up on me! Hello?

Jeh!

Thank you universe!

And here's your pancake...

Leave this for now and eat.

Do you want some jam?

Honey?

Then what do you want baby?

This is not how Kavya aunty makes it.

Then how does Kavya aunty make it, baby?

Teddy shape.

Here's your teddy, okay?

Eyes, nose, smile.

Ears.

That's your teddy pancake, okay. Now eat.

This is not how Kavya aunty makes it.

Arya baby!

No more Kavya aunty in this house, okay?

I call her Pooky aunty.

Dadda also calls her Pooky.

I bet...

Pooky aunty's vagina...

isn't a haunted house...

covered in cobwebs.

I saw Vesuvius when it was really active.

It must've sobered down by now.

So... she can have him now.

But you do miss the hot, molten, lava.

Don't you?

Mama, what happened?

Nothing baby.

Bad dream.

A teddy bear pancake.

I mean what the hell is that!

And why is she making teddy bear pancakes for my daughter?!

Can't you spend a minute without uttering her name?

You're using her name like a vowel.

If you take Kavya's name one more time,

then you'll have to take a shot.

- Ya. - Ya.

Why are you punishing me?

It's that Kavya who's just trying to... Oh my God. Jeh! One shot please.

Hey! If Kavya is not... Make that two please!

Guys, I'm just trying to make you understand that Kavya...

Three shots!

God!

Keep the bottle. You're going to need it.

Jeh, you too?

Seriously, I heard you say that name so many times...

that I just called Bosco back there Kavya.

He did.

Here.

C'mon, c'mon... Let's go, let's go...

Seriously?

C'mon! Yeah!

C'mon for Kavya!

Damini...

the rape country video story?

I know. Two million hits already!

But we're also getting trolled badly.

I have never seen such hatred and so many trolls in my life.

Rizvi Roy, you fuckin' bitch!

It's time to show her what her true worth is!

#worthlessdramaqueen.

Paid media libtard presstitutes in Investigator.com...

should all be raped.

Damini's mother is H.O.A.R. Father is pimp.

She should've been aborted.

H.O.A.R? I think he means whore.

Can we track these people down?

I mean some are unemployed losers.

Others are digital agencies in China, Russia...

and even right here.

Hired by political parties to further their own damn agendas.

Cheap internet connections,

anonymous handle, egg for a display picture

and then just attack people.

You know what, the problem is there's zero bloody accountability.

So then that's our story.

Let's unmask them.

Let's hunt each one of these assholes

and drag them out of their hiding places.

Let's do it!

Ya.

Damini!

Sorry Uma, I'm just in a middle of something…

I'll just join you.

I'd like you to meet Akanksha Moitra.

A Columbia University graduate in journalism and a...

Bengali just like you.

Okay.

Hi!

- Hi. - Lovely to meet you…

Same here.

And she's also a Fulbright scholar.

She's just finished her internship with The Star in New York.

The Star as in the tabloid?

- Yes. - Okay...

They offered me their full time position but I was so over NYC!

And then Uma called and I couldn't help but...

jump at the offer.

The offer?

Yes...

What offer?

I didn't know we were hiring.

I thought you wanted to reduce losses.

Akanksha won't come in your way.

She's going to concentrate on the lighter subjects.

Like entertainment or celebrities, socialites...

Gossip?

The readers want exactly this Damini.

It's what gets the hits.

Work with Akanksha.

Make it work.

Hi!

What are you doing here?

We'll have to train for two hours everyday.

Day one, plyos. Day two, cardio.

Day three, chest. Day four, legs.

Day five and six, martial arts and sparring.

Training, training, training, repeat, repeat, repeat.

You will fall, you will breakdown, you will cry.

We will do whatever it takes but we will not stop.

Because right now, your muscles are soft.

We have to harden them like stone.

And these love handles of yours...

are meant only for your boyfriend.

I don't have a boyfriend.

One week free trial.

You won't regret it.

How long did you practice this speech?

At least 10-12 times...

but it sounded way better in my head.

Come in Umang.

I'm telling you...

this is so much better.

No, she keeps doing these stupid things...

Doesn't even matter!

Hi Mom...

Yes...

No, I'm at work.

Yes Mom, I've eaten.

Okay, I'll call Dad tomorrow.

How are Karanveer and Pinky?

Okay.

Give my love to everyone.

Okay Mom. Bye.

Guys, wasn't Umang right here with us?

Where did she go?

Guys, that was Mom on the line.

Dude, you were incredibly well behaved!

The amount of grief I have put my mom and dad through...

Enough.

Now no more.

Umang teaches physical training in school.

No wonder she's so slim and trim.

Don't you worry.

She will cook healthy food for your son.

She even makes butter chicken without the butter!

Really?

I promise you... you won't stop licking your fingers.

No one can tell there's no butter in it.

- Don't you agree? - Absolutely.

Well, then I can't wait to try her butter chicken!

But where is Umang?

He has three mansions.

And a field.

They will keep you like a princess.

You'll be happy.

Just like you?

Happy.

What do you expect?

To find true love with Prince Charming on a white horse?

Or a princess.

I'll send you my wedding card. You wait and watch.

Okay.

What the hell is all this?!

I feel chained like a cow!

You're wearing an outfit like this for the first time.

What are you doing?! Are you out of your mind?!

It's all making sense now.

Such is life, Umi.

You need to find your happiness in this new relationship.

You call this happiness?

Taking care of someone's home.

Praying for his long life?

This is the system right?

Respect it.

And what about respecting ourselves?

Think about your parents.

Their entire life...

one spoke while the other listened.

Is this what you call a marriage?

And you and my brother?

You'll spend your whole life trying to love him.

This place suffocates me!

What are you doing?

Umi no... Umi...

Don't make this mistake! Don't do it!

Go down in five minutes...

and tell everyone that you can't find me.

This is the least you can do for me.

Please.

You wore an Indian outfit?

And that too for a guy? Oh God!

Is that the only thing you heard in my entire story?

So how did you sort it out with your folks?

Simple. We just brushed it under the carpet.

Basically, under the carpet in our house...

you'll find tons of hidden misconceptions...

and unresolved arguments.

Insane!

So you'll never tell them that you're bisexual?

The carpet's not that big.

You know it's really sad that...

we can't discuss our sexuality with our mothers.

When Arya grows up,

I'll make sure I discuss everything with her.

Sex, drugs, boys...

Vagina.

I'm sorry...

Did you just whisper vagina?

I mean, just say it.

VAGINAAAAAA!

All hail the vagina!

Mad?

Why? What's the big deal?

Try it Siddhi! C'mon...

You'll feel a sense of nirvana. C'mon...

Okay.

All hail my vagina!

Next time shout this out at the bar...

and just watch, you'll have four boys lining up for you.

Yeah!

Alright Anj...

- C'mon... - What?

- Go for it! - Go!

- Guys... - What?

- C'mon, c'mon... - Okay, okay.

Vagina...

Vagina... come to mama... What was that? Seriously?

Okay, okay, I'll do it again. Okay...

VAGINAAAAAA!

Nice!

Make me come you motherfucker!

(Girls shout out vagina in multiple languages)

Guys, guys... Yoni.

Choot.

Chuthadi.

Choot and Chuthadi are the same... so another one.

Okay, fine.

You come up with something then.

Poonani!

I heard it in a rap song and I've been dying to use it since then.

Kandu! Kandu!

That sounds like Gandu!

Bhosadi!

Oh! Vajayjay!

Fuddu!

Pooku!

Putki!

Twinkle!

Vajizzle!

Pookie!