Original subtitles

Labels don't define us.

Actually, a woman can be all of this.

And all in one day.

P.S. None of these words shame us.

I can extensively elaborate on the prolific successes of Investigator.com...

but as you can see here,

the numbers speak for themselves.

I mean, not literally of course!

As we all know, numbers are highly marginalised.

And since they can't speak for themselves,

we have to speak up for them.

As must we speak for the millions of others...

who cannot go and protest at Jantar Mantar.

AC please!

It's centrally air conditioned.

So why am I so damn hot?

Yes, Damini Rizvi Roy...

why are you so damn hot?

Ms. Arya Menon Khanna, I'm not driving back home to get Mr. Buttoo for you.

But mama, how Mr. Buttoo will sleep?

Panda bear hug and sleep.

I will hug him and sleep, okay?

Let's go.

Dadda!!!

Wow. Your place looks nice and clean...

New maid?

Why?

Am I not capable of this?

Sure.

Arya baby, no orange bar... You know the rules, right?

But Dadda said Dadda's house is fun house no rules.

Yup... no rules.

And if her teeth rot, who will take her to the dentist? You?

Yes, I will take her.

And in any case Mom, these are my milk teeth...

and very soon the tooth-fairy will arrive to take them away.

So don't worry. Say bye to Mama.

Bye.

Now bye.

Bye, Mama.

- Bye, Mama. - Bye, bye.

Bye bye.

Devil card?

What have you been up to, Siddhi?

It's no wonder you can't find a guy.

Relax Sneha, it's upside down. It's a positive card.

Siddhi has nothing to worry about.

Abundance is coming. It's a period of harvest.

I can only see happiness.

All that's wonderful, but...

when will she get married?

In the Lunar New Year, Sneha!

Wait and watch post Diwali! You'll be surprised at the turn of events!

And, if there's a problem, I always have a solution for that.

I've got diamonds for prosperity. I've got rubies for love.

And I've got emerald for tranquility.

C'mon, let's go! Sweat! Yeah let's go!

C'mon! Sweaty Swati! Let's go! C'mon! Core tight...

Let's go! Up! C'mon! Abs tight! Let's go, very nice!

C'mon! Awesome! Good job!

Very sexy! C'mon! Push!

The countdown begins here! Let's go! Let's go! C'mon uncle!

Let's go!

It's still extremely itchy.

Hasn't got better since last week.

Has your partner complained of the same problem?

I wish...

I mean I wish I had a partner.

Not that he'd be itchy too.

I don't really have a partner.

By a partner, I don't mean 'a' partner.

As in, I don't have multiple partners or anything.

Not that I judge people who do.

It's totally fine.

I'm not a prude.

But really, where are the nice men? And where can one find them?

At the hospital?

Sorry, what was the question again?

Nothing!

You may get dressed now.

Just like last time, I don't see any infection.

Don't worry.

Everything will be absolutely fine. And...

feel free to take the sanitizer home.

BATHE THREE TIMES DAILY.

You know this is your future we're talking about right?

You could pay a little attention...

Yes, Mummy.

Supercool Bro!

C'mon guys, let's go! Three more! Let's go!

Ladies...

Yes! Alright!

Kick it in the balls!

Huh?

That means kick it in the balls!

Kick it in the balls!

Jeh, lime.

Too strong for you?

You ladies need anything else?

Well, I know what I want...

but the question is...

will you give it to me?

Ooh!

Ask me again in a year.

Till then...

lemons.

Jeh... now can I get my Pink Lady cocktail please?

No sissy cocktails, ladies.

You know the bar rules. Exactly!

Okay, okay...

So the hot Doc, some old fogeys and the long conference table.

Then what happened?

Then I came.

Damn. I was expecting an orgy! Please...

Seriously Anj, porn is free on the internet.

Guys, I have a kid.

Honestly, I don't even get time to poop.

I am living vicariously through you guys, man.

Okay, so anyway... how was your appointment with Dr. Drool?

Okay. So I was lying there with my legs wide apart.

Of course. And thinking...

how big is his penis.

Because he seems to have a long tongue. Like an unusually long tongue.

So I'm wondering if he likes to go down on women.

And ooh... that's cold.

Is it the clamp or is it his unusually long fingers.

And then he told me...

What?

Yeah?

To take a bath three times a day. Wait, what?

You mean with him, right?

Can I join in too?

Umang, always!

You always take it to another level!

Okay guys, get your lehengas and saris ready...

because end of the year I'm getting married!

You found someone?

Sneha's tarot card reader has said I'll find someone by Diwali.

Dude, how do you people get married like this? Without a test-drive?

I'm not buying a car. I'm getting married!

Ya... but I just think, at least lose your virginity first...

and then you can marry and get destroyed.

You do what you like.

Can you leave my private parts alone, please?

Okay, sorry. Tell me something Siddhi..

You put in so much effort into your wedding resume.

If you put that same effort into a career...

imagine how far ahead in life you'd be by now.

What's the point?

I'll have to quit everything after marriage anyway so...

Do you know the root cause for a divorce?

What?

Marriage.

My advice...

don't get married!

She's one of those people who eat non-vegetarian food their whole life...

and then suddenly turn vegan.

You've had your life experiences.

Now let me have mine.

Sneha!

Why do you always remember your mum when you're piss drunk?!

Keep flying high my bitches!

Okay, bye.

Good night ladies. What? You're not coming?

No, I'll walk back in a bit.

Are you sure? Yes, I'm sure.

Okay, bye.

Bye.

- Bye, Jeh. - Get home safe.

- You're staying? - Ya...

- Do you want a drink? - Sure.

Cleaning up alone?

Yeah, my boy Bosco had to leave early.

It's alright.

Do you want some help?

Not really.

Okay.

Cheers.

Okay, c'mon back Ms.Roy.

What?

Nothing.

Carry on.

What the fuck!

Hahahaha... wow. So funny.

Happy 3 year anniversary Jeh!

The sign said FUCK for just 5 minutes that day.

Will you girls ever let it go?

How about never? Is 'never' good for you?

You girls met in this bar,

because of this bar.

Show some respect, ladies.

Respect, bro!

Bye, Jeh.

I said I'll take care of it.

Eight consecutive defamation suits Damini?

Apologies and retractions.

That's all we publish on the site now!

And where are the readers?

Our audience doesn't want to read these heavy exposes.

But this is not some advertising agency.

We are a news site.

We go after the truth. Not the audience!

One more mistake and we'll be running in losses.

This site will shut down.

This time...

we won't lose the case.

We won't.

Now, if you'll excuse me, my lawyer's waiting for me.

Thank you.

C'mon! Go, go, go! Let's go!

C'mon! C'mon!

Asshole!

Mama, what is asshole?

Very, very bad word sweetheart.

And Mama is very bad for using it.

But Mama, what it means?

It means your bumsy.

I like my bumsy.

And I love your bumsy, okay?

Come.

Bye, have a good day!

Good morning, Arya!

Asshole. Asshole. Asshole.

Poor thing. She's a divorcee.

First she couldn't control her husband.

And now her poor kid.

Are you sure you got this? This is make or break.

Chill.

State Vs. Investigator.com.

Tell me..

What is this case?

The respected Transport Minister...

has filed a defamation case against Investigator.com...

and today is the second hearing.

Speak.

Yes, your Honor. My client Ms. Damini Rizvi Roy...

That's a pretty long name much like Amar Akbar Anthony.

Your honor, this is a simple case of harassment by the complainants.

My client is entitled to journalistic freedoms...

Madam...

Where are we?

Sorry?

Where are we?

In Mumbai.

Where is Mumbai?

In Maharashtra.

Then let's speak in Marathi?

Your Honor, I don't know Marathi.

May I please speak in English?

Speak...

Speak in any language you know but make it quick.

I have to finish hearing three cases before lunch.

Speak...

What has this girl written...

Girl?

To make the Minister this angry?

Why wouldn't he lose his temper?

They don't have a single piece of evidence or witness.

They make false claims in court.

They are lying.

Why wouldn't he be livid?

Your Honor, all the witness testimonials...

and the sting operation...

conducted on the contractor...

has been submitted to you.

Where is the witness?

They would be here if they existed!

All the witnesses have turned hostile.

From intimidation to bribes.

They have stopped at nothing, your Honor.

There's a mention of some contractor in this case?

- Yes. - No.

I mean... there was.

He died last year.

- How? - Dengue.

Honestly speaking, your Honor...

there is no merit in this case.

This is just another publicity stunt, that's all.

Your honor, if you can give me a chance to prove to you that my...

Madam...

Now it's my turn to speak.

In Hindi.

Due to the lack of evidence and witnesses...

the court rules in favor of the Minister.

What?

And instructs Ms. Rizvi Roy to publish...

a written apology on her website.

What the fuck!

And as defamation penalty, she will pay...

one million to the Minister this month.

Thank you.

Next.

What just happened?

Did we just lose the case?

Don't worry, I'll file the appeal on Monday.

You know what, I think if you were a man...

the judge wouldn't have been so condescending.

Well, welcome to my world.

Men. Men. Men.

Just look at the number of men around us.

In India, all we see are men everywhere.

Like this, staring away at us all the time.

In buses, in rickshaws, in court...

Peeing on the streets...

See...

Just fuckin' men everywhere!

Okay, tell me what's the difference between men and condoms.

What?

Condoms have changed.

They are no longer thick and insensitive.

Anj, that's really sexist.

2000 years of patriarchy, man.

They can bloody well take one joke! That's true.

Aunty, ball!

Anj. He called you aunty.

Dee, you caught the ball. You are the aunty.

But you're the one with a kid. You're the aunty!

It's not written on my face. You could be a mom too!

Aunty, ball.

There you go.

Here's your ball!

Dee, you're so mean.

So mean!

Okay Ravi, see you tomorrow. And please, be on time.

Thanks.

How long will you torture the poor souls..

They love it...

as do you.

I did.

I have a girlfriend now.

She must be really tiny which is why I can't see her.

Very funny.

Amit... you've just wilfully imprisoned yourself.

Break the chains, dude.

Do Re Me Fa So...

Do Re Me Fa So...

Do Re Me Fa So...

Do Re Me Fa So...

Siddhi, back straight please.

And stomach in.

Am I to sing from my stomach or my throat?

But ma'am, she was singing correctly.

Oh, was she now professor?

Are you aware of the competition in this city?

All the single girls are chasing the same four boys!

The boy has to fall in love with her.

On the first note.

Or else, she'll be spending the rest of her life here.

Okay Siddhi, sing freely.

Oh great!

Professor, bring another instrument next time.

Yes ma'am.

Back straight...

Stomach in...

Radha...

Yes ma'am...

Pull out the clothes that Arya's going to wear...

Wow, baby. That's beautiful.

You made it at Dadda's?

Yes.

Okay, so this is Mama, Dadda, Arya and...

Radha?

No, Kavya aunty.

Kavya aunty?

Yes, Dadda's friend.

She made rice pancakes for breakfast...

Yummy.

Rice pancake...

She was there for breakfast?

Yes.

I love rice pancakes... much more than jam and toast.

Really baby?

Since when have you started liking rice pancakes?

You know when I gave it to you as a baby...

you spat it out all over me.

But I love now.

She put honey on top.

Yummy, yummy.

Yes, baby. You said that already!

Go and get ready now.

What's up? Hi.

Arya's ready?

She is almost ready.

Oh shit, I'm starving...

Still leaving her crusts.

Was she there for breakfast?

- Who? - Your new friend.

Kavya or something?

I think.

Kavs?

Ya...

Did she spend the night or what?

Spend the night or what? No she didn't.

She just came for breakfast, to meet Arya.

That's it.

I would really appreciate if you checked with me...

before introducing Arya to new people.

You know she's still adjusting to our divorce and...

new people will just confuse her.

She's still adjusting to our divorce?

Ya.

Wow. That's crazy... I mean...

cause we separated when she was 6 months old...

and our divorce came in when Arya was about one so...

If anything, God forbid you and I have to start living together?

Then she will have to adjust.

So I think you can chill on that one.

And since we are talking about it, I've been meaning to tell you that...

Kavs and I are getting pretty serious now.

Okay.

Dadda! Hi, my sweetheart!

How are you? Fine.

Ready to go?

Yes.

Mama, we go?

Ya.

Let's go.

Bye, Mama! Bye, baby.

Give Mama a kiss.

Okay, bye.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Please wipe down the treadmill once you get off.

No one wants to have sweat babies with you!

Excuse me, ma'am!

Me?

I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean to... No, no, no.

I was just... It's alright. Not a problem.

- Let me do it. - It's done.

No, it's okay. I got it.

No... I'm so sorry.

No, no. No, no, it's okay.

Oh my god! Are you okay?

- Ya... I'm fine. - Okay.

It's fine. It's fine.

- Sure? - Ya...

Can I have my towel?

Okay.

Thank you.

You know who she is right?

That's Bollywood Goddess Samara Kapoor.

And you gave her an earful.

Vaibhav...

Where's the final draft on the pharma story?

I thought you had locked it.

It didn't pass legal Damini. The board didn't sign off on it.

Apparently, it's too defamatory.

Well, last I checked I was still the Editor-in-Chief of Investigator.com.

So I say it's on!

Okay. As you say, boss. I'll mail it to the web team right away.

The Board needs to grow a pair of balls if they want to be in the news business!

The board has started censoring my stories.

Scared of some fucking lawsuits, little sissies!

Sneha's put me onto Keto again.

So no rice, no sugar, no bread, no life.

There's a Kavya.

Varun is apparently very serious about her.

I yelled at THE Samara Kapoor in the gym today...

and I kept saying 'Sorry! It's alright, it's alright'

like it's some new Punjabi pop track! I mean...

what a fucked up week man!

What a fucked up week man!

What a killer night! What's with the sulk ladies?

Four shots.

On me ladies! C'mon let's go!

We have no time to waste…

Give me four more shots please!

People can say what they want… I don't give a damn...

…I'll do what I want to do.

A little attraction… and a little more action…

Hello Mister, how do you do!

My habits… are a little wicked…

That's why I'm checkin' out you…

A little attraction… and a little more action…

Hello Mister, how do you do.

Mr Bartender, please…

Shake it baby, shake a drink for me…

Give me four more shots for me...

and my ladies!

Let's forget formalities…

Give me four more shots please!

We have no time to waste…

Give me four more shots please!

Never say never when we're together…

Anything goes baby.

Let's forget formalities…

Give me four more shots please!

Uh oh here we go ladies…

Uh oh here we go again…

Uh oh here we go…

Give me four more shots please!

Look who's here...

What?

I had to pee. Of course.

Jeh! Four for the road!

Please!