Original subtitles

♪ The Simpsons ♪

D'

Aah!

Welcome to the 6:00 news in our brand-new studio.

Looking good, Springfield.

In today's news, a two-ton rhino

escaped from the Springfield Zoo,

but zoo officials were quick to act,

and Petunia, as she is known, is safely back in captivity.

In other news, a three-ton rhino

that escaped from the zoo last week

is still at large.

All right, who broke my vase?

Who took my test papers

off the refrigerator and tore them up?

Who spread garbage all over Flanders' yard

before I got a chance to?

Please. This is senseless destruction

with none of my usual social commentary.

If it wasn't you, then who was it?

Well, I'm sure these things didn't destroy themselves,

now, did they?

Did they?

I guess Bart's not to blame.

He's lucky, too, because it's spanking season

and I got a hankering for some spankering.

I don't know why you're so energetic today, boy,

but prepare to be worn out.

What's wrong, boy?

Getting tired?

I think there's really something wrong

with Santa's Little Helper.

He was up barking all night

and dug up the back yard worse than ever.

My bongo drums!

My strobe light!

My best of Ray Stevens featuring "The Streak" Album.

So it was the dog that buried all our stuff.

Yes. The dog.

My God!

He's got the precious cable TV cable!

Always use fresh macaroni.

If the box rattles, throw it away.

Aw.

Your cable TV is experiencing difficulties.

Please do not panic.

Resist the temptation to read or talk to loved ones.

Do not attempt sexual relations,

as years of TV radiation

have left your genitals withered and useless.

Well, I'll be damned.

Excuse me. We're having a problem with our dog.

Lady, I'll tell you what I'm telling everyone else:

I'm sorry if your dog went blind

but your gripe is with Hartz Mountain, not with me.

No! No, our dog is out of control.

He's wild, destructive

and has little or no respect for authority.

Let me try a canine-human mind meld.

It's an incredibly rare psychic power

possessed only by me

and three other clerks at this store.

Okay.

I'm bored.

I'm restless.

Need change in life.

Like imported leather leash...

Blue contact lenses...

200-volt shock training collar.

Well, problem solved.

Homer, hold on to the wheel!

You've got it.

Hey!

Don't worry. We'll catch him or run him over trying.

Look, he's headed back to the greyhound racing track

- where we found him. - Don't worry,

As soon as they find out he doesn't have any money,

they'll throw him out.

Believe me, I know.

Ooh, this place is so big.

Do you think we should split up

and look for him, Homie?

Homie?

Two bucks to win on number eight.

And have you seen my beloved dog?

Give me the ticket.

We can't lose!

Look at the name of the dog I bet on.

"She's The Fastest."

Homer, I don't think that means necessarily...

And they're off!

She's The Fastest jumps out to an insurmountable lead.

You're lucky you got looks, Marge.

As they round the far turn, it's She's The Fastest

followed by Always Comes in Second and I'm Number Three.

Yes! Come on, you little horse.

And they're in the home stretch.

It's... Wait! Another dog is on the track!

It's Santa's Little Helper!

The mystery dog is gaining fast on the outside.

Of course, he could never win this race...

Or could he?

What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog?

Looks like he's trying to jump over her

but he can't quite make it.

C'mon boy, you can do it!

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the end...

This is the end of dog racing.

- Boo! - Boo!

I think they're in love.

Aww!

Aw! So that's what's been wrong with the little fella.

He misses casual sex.

Can we keep Santa's girlfriend, Mom?

Please?

But she's not our dog.

She's yours now.

Once they fall in love, they lose their racing spirit.

Won't you miss her loyalty and companionship?

Lady, you're all right.

Okay, you can go out and play

but no more you-know-what in front of the house, all right?

Hey! What did I just say?

Take it. It fell on the floor.

Hey, boy, you want to play fetch?

Me and Santa's Little Helper used to be a team,

but he never wants to play anymore

since his bitch moved in.

Bart, don't ever say that word again!

Well, that's what she is! I looked it up.

Well, I'm going to write the dictionary people

and have that checked.

It feels like a mistake to me.

Hey, look!

A really small dog

just fell out of Santa's girlfriend!

My God! She's having babies!

I'm sorry, girl.

I thought you were just getting fat.

- Look! It's twins! - No, it's two sets of twins.

Two sets of twins and a triplet.

Homer! Homer, find a place

for all these little miracles.

My!

I've never seen anything like this.

How many more can there be?

Twenty-two...

Twenty-three...

Twenty-four...

Twenty-five!

Wow! 25 puppies!

An army of dogs!

No bully will ever touch me again.

Hey, jerkface.

You have the face of a jerk.

All right Simpson,

- you asked for it. - Get him, boys.

Heh.

Say, Jimbo, hope I wasn't out of line

with that "jerkface" crack.

Homie, aren't they adorable?

Yes.

We've waited many years, but the good Lord

has finally blessed us with a real family.

Look at Branford II. Isn't that cute?

He thinks he's one of the Models, Inc.

Get that cat out of the way!

My socks!

Mom, why do I have to wear a flea collar?

It's just easier this way.

D'

D'

D'

D'

D'

Ooh...

D'

This time...

D'

D'

Yeesh.

This house stinks.

You're not just putting the new newspapers

over the old ones, are you?

Do you have a better idea?

Now, I know

we love the puppies very much,

but I think they're getting to be a problem.

Yeah, they ate all my socks.

I have to wear Lisa's to school today.

How do you explain the culottes, boy?

Well, I have to coordinate, don't I?

Your mother and I have been thinking

about giving the puppies away.

- No! - Mainly your mother.

Is that what we do in this family?

When someone becomes an inconvenience,

we just get rid of them?

Hello?

Is anybody there?

Aw...

All right, we'll give the dogs one more chance.

As long as the puppies don't do anything else wrong,

they stay.

On a completely unrelated topic

I'm having a very, very important dinner party tonight.

Splendid. Who's coming?

Reverend Lovejoy, your old Army drill sergeant,

and the regional director of the I.R.S.

Just lovely, Marge.

The whole town will hear what a perfect evening this was.

How nothing at all went wrong.

Simpson, this evening has gone so flawlessly,

I'm gonna forget that

you were mistakenly let out of the army a month early.

I'm so impressed by this problem-free evening

that there's no need for that audit.

A toast to the Simpsons.

And to the delectable turkey...

That's walking around the table?!

Dear Lord, it's a demon bird!

Simpson, see you at reveille 0500 tomorrow.

See you at the I.R.S.

See you in hell.

From heaven.

Well, we sure could use

a pooch to guard the flock at the Flanderosa.

It would be nice to have some companionship

when Mother goes out on dates.

We could use a new pet over at the home,

seeing how we accidently killed that smart-mouthed bird.

They don't like being broken up.

We've got to be realistic, kids.

Who's going to have a big enough heart

to take care of 25 puppies?

And I know the little fellows will love romping around

my many acres, chasing my many cars,

drinking from my many toilets.

Who wouldn't?

Mom, don't give the puppies to him.

He'll be mean to them.

She's right, Homer.

There's something about his face I don't trust.

I'm sorry, Mr. Burns,

but you can't have these dogs.

Am I fired?

Of course not.

They're your pets. You can do as you wish.

Good day, everyone.

My, he certainly took that well.

A little too well, if you ask me.

I'm sure he's plotting some brilliant scheme

to get those puppies.

There you go.

There you go. You, too.

Honestly, sir, you just don't put the effort

into your schemes that you used to.

Er, don't worry, folks.

We'll find your wallet.

Dogs!

Chief, you're getting powdered sugar

all over my floor.

No, I'm not. No, I'm not.

I'm... dusting for prints.

We don't have to wait for the cops.

Who can track the puppies better

than their own mom and dad?

Let's go find your babies.

Dinner's on, dogs!

I'm sorry, kids.

I don't think we're ever going to find your greyhounds.

Maybe Mr. Burns will sell you one of the 25 he got last night.

Who knows what horrible things he's doing

to those innocent little puppies?

There.

Now, wasn't that heavenly?

Don't you feel better too?

He's giving them a bath.

There you are.

There you go, little fella.

And you.

Smithers, look.

He's standing up.

I've never seen anything so adorable.

You know who it reminds me of?

- Benji? - No.

- Lassie? - No, no, no.

A person. You know who I mean.

Snoop Doggy Dog? Bob Barker?

David Brenner?

No. No. The person who's always standing and walking.

Rory Calhoun?

That's it.

You stay with me.

You're the pick of the litter.

Maybe we were wrong about Burns on this one.

Are you sure you want to go through with this, sir?

You do have a very full wardrobe as it is.

Yes... but not completely full.

For you see...

♪ Some men hunt for sport ♪

♪ Others hunt for food ♪

♪ The only thing I'm hunting for ♪

♪ Is an outfit that looks good ♪

♪ See my... vest ♪

♪ See my vest made from real ♪

♪ Gorilla chest ♪

♪ Feel this sweater ♪

♪ There's no better than authentic Irish Setter ♪

♪ See this hat, t'was my cat ♪

♪ My evening wear, vampire bat ♪

♪ These white slippers ♪

♪ Are albino African endangered rhino ♪

♪ Grizzly bear underwear ♪

♪ Turtles' necks, I've got my share ♪

♪ Beret of poodle, on my noodle, it shall rest ♪

♪ Try my red robin suit ♪

♪ It comes one breast or two ♪

♪ See my vest ♪

♪ See my vest ♪

♪ See my vest ♪

♪ Like my... ♪

♪ Loafers, former gophers ♪

♪ It was that or skin my chauffeurs ♪

♪ But a greyhound fur tuxedo would be best ♪

♪ So let's prepare these dogs... ♪

♪ Kill two for matching clogs ♪

♪ See my vest ♪

♪ See my vest ♪

♪ Please, won't you see my vest ♪

- I really like the vest. - I gathered. Yeah.

He's going to make a tuxedo out of our puppies.

Bart!

Sorry. You got to admit, it's catchy.

Come on, Smithers.

Let's go finish the little flea circuses off

except for "Little Monty," of course.

We got to get the dogs out of there.

- Shh! - Hush, puppies!

We got to get you out of here.

I know. The window.

No, Bart! What are you doing?

Dogs always land on their feet.

That's cats.

No. It's dogs. I'll prove it.

Best two out of three.

Bart, look.

A laundry chute.

Okay, guys. Let's move.

Come on. Come on.

I got an idea.

Sorry, Monty

but you're too big for this ride.

- Quick! - Let's get the...

Going somewhere?

That's impossible.

How did you get here first?

There'll be plenty of time for explanations later.

Right now, I'll be taking my puppies back.

But they're ours.

You stole them from us.

Here's a phone.

Call somebody who cares.

Now, if you'll excuse us, children,

the pups have a date with a fashion knife.

There. Now you don't know which one's little Monty.

I guess if you don't want him to be part of your tuxedo,

you have to let the other dogs go, too.

Nice try.

Come on, Little Monty.

Stand up.

Come on. Stand up.

Do your trick.

- No. Don't. - No.

- Stay down, Little Monty. - Stay down.

- Don't get up. - Stay down, boy.

Excellent.

Now, it's...

simply a matter of bending down

and picking up the one and only...

This can't be happening.

They're all standing.

I can't tell them apart.

Well, all right, you win.

- I'll have to kill them all. - No!

But they're so wretchedly adorable.

25 little Rory Calhouns.

I can't do it...

But I can kill you.

No. I can't kill you either.

Look at you.

Standing there on your hind legs

like a couple of Rory Calhouns.

Well, Mr. Burns, I hope you've realized the folly

of killing innocent animals for fashion.

I have, I have!

I swear I'll never wear

any clothing made from an animal...

that can do an amusing trick.

Another victory for Montgomery Burns's champion greyhound.

25 dogs, 25 world champions,

which, so far, have earned their owner

over ten million dollars.

I'll bet whoever gave him those dogs is kicking themselves now.

Homer! For the love of God, no!

Marge, you know that batting this light bulb

is the only thing that cheers me up

after giving away those million-dollar greyhounds.

D'

♪♪

Shh!

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