All language subtitles for The.Happy.Hooker.Goes.to.Washington.1977.1080p.REMASTERED.[MPC]

[Typing noise]

[Cart rolling]

[Door squeaks]

Ah!

Oh, oh, what's going on here?

My back hurts, he's trying to
fix it up for me.

I think he's trying to
fix it up for himself.

You don't understand
he's a chiropractor.

You know what we call
chiropractors like him?

What?

Horny.

♪♪

Hey, Xaviera, any comments on
the Washington sex scandals?

Why me, boys?

I'm not involved.

Come on, Xaviera, when sex is
news, you are news.

Well, in that case, let me say,
boys, what is good for the

general intercourse is
good for the country.

Good to see you, boys.

♪♪

Got a lot of mail here today,
Xaviera.

I'm ready, I'm ready let's go!

Dear Xaviera, I am
in love with one of a

pair of siamese twins.

My sex life with him is really
great, but My problem is

whenever we try to get it on the
other is always looking over our

shoulders and leering at us.

What should I do?

Signed, seeing double.

Dear seeing double, try asking
him to join in and if that

doesn't work out, tell him
to do it to himself.

[Laughter]

Are you ready for
the photographer?

I'm always ready for
the photographer.

What's the shoot in?

A spread on the top five
call girls of the year.

Oh, the high-priced spread.

Will you tell him I'll be right
down?

Right.

Dear Xaviera, I only ball chicks
but I love to go down on

both girls and guys.

My friend said that this makes
me bisexual, but I don't know.

What do you think?

Signed tongue-tied.

Dear tongue-tied, no, I just say
you're bilingual.

Morning, miss Hollander, coming
to get the tart and the sweet?

Hi-ya, Nick, do you
have any danish?

No, how about a little Greek?

[Laughter]

Out!

Aw.

Out!

Xaviera, please!

Dear Xaviera, I'm in love with
a pure-bred collie and we

have been living together
are for five months.

My parents know that I love
him and they don't object,

but his do.

He wants more from our
relationship and so do I.

I want to have a litter by him.

What do you think?

Signed best of breed.

Dear best of breed --

Hi!

Oh, Sally!

Have I got something
to show you.

Have you seen the latest
on my dear little Linda?

Now what?

What is this supposed to mean?

Well, it just says she
disappeared suddenly.

Now, all those simple Simon
pure Senators are saying that

is proves she was nothing but
a flighty, irresponsible hooker

and there was nothing to any of
her allegations.

Hypocrites, to
hell there wasn't.

And that's not all.

Now they're talking about
a Senate sub-committee

to investigate sexual
excesses in America.

I don't imagine they're going to
be starting with themselves?

I don't think so.

I think they'd like to make
it more of a challenge.

I bet they do.

♪♪

[Laughter]

♪♪

I love it!

More lights, my darling!

Let me see dimples today.

No, come on, my darling, keep
like it is snow.

[Laughter]

Here we go, my
inspiration, my --

I love Baltimore in the paper!

♪♪

Oh, my darling, oh, my darling!

Hello, babykins!

Mmmm.

Oh, my baby, oh, my baby!

[Laughter]

You look special today!

Do you like it?

For me?

For you, darling!

Ooh!

Mmm, a- stuff today!

That's right.

I have this new model back there
that is absolutely scrumptous,

no bad habits like you.

Just like me?

Of course!

Shhh, do it!

Do it!

Let's go.

You think so?

[Clapping]

[Laughter]

I love it when you're angry!
Baby, baby, I love my darling.

Now baby, now baby don't you
miss it!

Let me see, hmmm, okay, I'll
need a camera.

♪♪

Smile, love, think of Tuesday.

Think of Sunday.

Let me see that, hmmm.

Think of me.

♪♪

Oh, kiss the baby.

♪♪

Oh, I'm getting vibrations now.

Now on your back, darling.

Help him with this case,
quick, time is money.

Oh, heaven, love it, love!

Oh, got it, uh-huh.

Oh, you've done something
special ooh.

♪♪

[Laughter]

I don't want to so any privates,
not today!

♪♪

[Laughter]

We're not shooting "field and
stream," you know!

♪♪

I'm going to, stop that.

♪♪

I love it.

The skin tones are going flat.

Put the lollipop in your mouth,
Carolyn.

Good!

Good!

What do you think of the story,
honey?

Let me look at that, let me take
a look at that. Let me look at
that.

Carolyn is 19 years old, still
lives at home and still loves

to go to the zoo on
Saturday with her dad,

who is a Lutheran minister.

I got great pictures of them at
the zoo feeding the monkeys.

You won't believe it.

But by night, Carolyn is one of
the nation's five most expensive

call girls, commanding fees from
$1,000 to $1,500 a night.

She is using her earnings to
work her way through Valley

State College, where she
plans to be either a

neurosurgeon or porno star.

Either career she
feels would be fulfilling.

Well, what do you think?

I think I'm late.

For what?

I have a doctor's appointment.

I'll see you later.

React, oh, I love it.

[Laughter]

You're crazy!

[Laughter]

Oh, why you!
Now, wait a second, I'm the
boss!

Why, you're going crazy!

♪♪

[Laughter]

$20, half in half, $50 around
the world, $75.

♪♪

[Laughter]

♪♪

Say ah.

Ah.

Ah, that's an "ah" stick.

Is this your first orgy?

No, I used to be a psychiatrist.

Now, you remember to have them
checked again in six months.

Oh, thank you, Doctor.

On second thought, why
should we take chances?

Check with me in a
couple of minutes.

[Laughter]

I heard you like chocolate.

Uh-huh, I was raised on Mars
bars.

Well, how about a couple of
mounds?

[Phone ringing]

Hello?

No, I'm busy right now.

Nothing's wrong.

What do you mean,
what's eating me?

There's nothing eating me.

Maybe you should talk to Shiela.

Look, I'd love to talk to you,
but I haven't got time for fun

right now, I've got an orgy
going on here.

Let me talk to you tomorrow.

Hey, why don't you slip off
the rest of your clothes.

Make yourself more comfortable.

I can't, I have to leave my
jacket on.

You have to leave your jacket
on, why?

What's so special
about your jacket?

Well, there's nothing
special about the jacket.

This.

What is that, Xaviera,
a prescription?

A subpeona.

This man is a process server.

I have to appear to testify
before the Senate select

committee on sexual
excesses in America.

He's not a doctor?

BJ769, this is Los
Angeles tower, you are

cleared for take
off on runway 6.

Xaviera, as your attorney, I
think I should make it clear

how serious this situation is.

Just how serious is it, ward?

There is a moralistic backlash
that is sweeping the country.

Now, in the wake of those sex
scandals in Washington that

you've read about and especially
now with your friend, Linda,

we're heading right into the
teeth of a new puritanism.

And Washington is in the eye of
the storm and these Senators,

are looking for a place to shift
the focus.

You -- you mean, they're looking
for a fall guy?

Check.

Someone to draw the heat away
from Washington?

Check.

Meaning me?

Check.

Oh, did you want your check,
sir? 8 and 4 is 12 and 4 is 16.

No, I --

You're gorgeous.

Could we have some coffee?

Could I have some pumpkin pie?

Sure.

The lady wants pumpkin pie.

Pie?

Pumpkin pie.

Ward, it's sweet of you to
worry.

But they're not that
interested in me.

I'm sure that this is
some kind of a formality.

There must be worse things
wrong with this country
than the kind of stuff I do.

I'm just an honest hooker,
looking for a little peace.

[Laughter]

Ah, Xaviera, there are two
things that they can do to you.

First, they can take
away your livelihood.

There is a rumor out that this
hearing may remove legislation

that could remove sex
from the protection from

the first amendment.

You mean that --

Sex prohibition.

Bathtub sex?

Xaviera.

I'm sorry, what I do is illegal,
so what is the difference?

There's going to be so much
censorship cross America,

that if this thing gets rolling,
that everything you do

could end up being illegal.

How would you make out writing
a column on interior decorating,

huh?

There are two was of
decorating the interior.

First.

That's just what
I'm talking about.

Even a joke like that could
end up becoming illegal.

Well, that's ridiculous.

Is it?

Would it be ridiculous if I told
you that an actor could go

to jail just because he
worked one day in film?

I so what you mean.

Honey, we don't have pumpkin,
so I brought you apple.

Gee, thanks.

Xaviera, you've become kind of
a folk hero, the happy hooker.

Now those people think you're
a bad example on America.

Under the new puritanism,
there is not going to

be any happy hookers.

They're going to
make me unhappy?

Very.

They might even
try to deport you.

Deport me?

Check.

Check.

♪♪

Thank you.

Put my number on it.

[Laughter]

Oh.

Attention, please.

Attention, please.

Flight 511 coming into New York
has been delayed due to bad

weather and will be circling.

So naturally, I went completely
the other direction

with my children.

My son is vice-president
of the gay liberation

movement in the Bronx.

That's marvelous.

And my daughter Cynthia, the
social worker is in love

with a nice Puerto Rican.

Of course, what future is there
for her?

He only makes $1,200 a week.

My goodness, that's a very
good salary.

What does he do?

He's on welfare.

That's how she met him,
investigating his seven wives.

You know, divide 7 into
1,200 and you add 10 children

and it's not all that
terrific of a living.

Of course, it is steady work.

Well, as long as they're happy.

That's what say.

Those were my words to her
when I visited him in

the pen last week.

The flight to Boston,
will be taxi-ing to the

runway momentarily.

I'm sorry, Miss Hollander, I'll
have to search you.

Would you mind opening your
coat, please?

What do you think I have?

Well, what do I think you
have?

Ma'am --

You do that much
more and I'll light up.

Yes, ma'am.
Thank you very much are for your
cooperation.

I love it in the back, woo.

Yes, yes, ma'am, thank you
very much.

What's your name, young man?

Ron, ma'am.

Ron?

Ron, yes, thank you, oh, yes,
thank you, Miss Hollander.

Excuse me, Tom, as I live,
mu-ah.

Have a nice flight, Miss
Hollander.

Don't you want to search me?

No, thank you.

This is Washington tower calling
the flight bj769, please

switch to ground control tower.

This is bj769 switching to
ground control.

[background noise]

That's mine right here.

I'll check on the limo.

I'll meet you at the limousine.

I want to call my office.

I want to call my office.

[car noises]

[Horns honking]

[car noises]

[Horns honking]

Miss Hollander will be right --

Johnson, how is it
going, asshole?

Hi, how are ya?

Senator Reed, he's a
very important man.

Good to see you, senator.

Hi, Bill.

Give me that briefcase,
thank you.

I'll call you back later
and check in, bye.

Miss Hollander, isn't it?

That's right.

Go on.

Ask her.

Miss Hollander, is sex
dangerous at 70?

Only in a car driving
fast when you try it.

You see, I told you,
Florence, see.

He isn't talking about normal
sex like with your wife.

That's me.

We're married.

Oh, congratulations.

We live in Sun City.

That's a senior citizen's
community and they have

lots of community activities.

Oh, that's marvelous!

And they've come up with
a new one.

They call it the
"senior swingers."

Oh, I see and you don't,
you don't want to try?

Oh, no, it's not that exactly.

The truth is I'm a little tired
of the old missionary position.

In fact, I'm a little tired of
the old missionary.

Well, what's your problem?

Well, some of our members
have heart conditions.

And she takes a long time
to climax, always did.

Just enjoy yourselves
and they'll enjoy it, too.

And coming is the
best way of going.

Nice to see you.

♪♪

Now, I want you to be
on your best behavior.

These Senators are very
conservative, and I want you to

remember you love marriage, hate
sex, and a trick is something

you win in a bridge game.

If possible, be demure
and respectful.

Ward, you can't be serious about
this deportation business.

They wouldn't really try to
kick me out of the country,

would they?

It's possible.

Why?

On what grounds?

I told you it's this whole
puritan backlash.

They are going to sit
up there from there

Victorian, Bible-belt,
horse-and-buggies,

and accuse you of
being unAmerican.

I'm unAmerican?

You said, I woman should
surrender to the man she loves

anyplace, any time and in any
way and never have a headache,

and that is unAmerican.

At least, that's what they're
saying.

I just bet they will and it's
not because I was a hooker

either or a madam.

It's because I've spoken up
against repression and ignorance

and let a little fresh air into
people's lives.

You know, not all of the letters
I get are the clever ones

I print in the magazine.

Listen to these.

Dear Xaviera, my father tells me
if I masturbate, I'll go blind.

But I can't help myself.

I don't want to go blind,
what'll I do?

Oh, Xaviera, maybe hair'll grow
on the palm of your hand,

but not blind.

They don't believe that do they?

Don't they?

♪♪

I don't believe it.

It's the 20th century.
They've invented the vibrator,
the pill and a $29 doll that you

fill with warm water and
when you squeeze it,
it goes, more, more.

That sort of thing just
doesn't happen anymore.

Damn it, Ward, it does!

♪♪

Xaviera, do you think these
Senate hearings are a

violation of your constitutional
right to privacy?

And can you comment on the
future of sex in America?

No comment, gentlemen.

Miss Hollander has nothing
to say at this time.

Is it thorough that you
and the Russian premier

are intimate friends?

You know, that's not a bad idea.

[Laughter]

Watch it.

♪♪

You know, as chairmen of this
thing, it has grabbed a lot

of headlines, we also
know you're running for

reelection this November.

We also realize that all of
the witnesses that you've

subpoenaed are only appetizers
and that the main course

is the Hollander woman.

I don't have to listen to that
crap!

The hell you don't.

I know you want to hang that
woman.

All right.

Just make sure the Democrats
are not the only ones

against the original sin.

In Miss Hollander's case
I'm sure it's actual sin.

There's nothing
original about it.

Is it true she works
for the mob?

No, I think she's an
independent contractor.

Okay.

I thought we agreed to start
with the television business?

Our staff report shows she's
been a consultant to a big

New York ad agency.

All right, let's get to work!

Okay.

I'll have the elevator
going in just a minute.

[Whispering softly a song]

Shhh!

Let it right baby!

Please, this isn't the office!

You're riding with several
United States Senators.

Well, I'm sorry, Marty.

Senator!

How many times do I have to
remind you?

It's all right, Martin, my
secretary always calls me

by my first name.

Of course, she's 63 and
she can type.

Well, I can type.

How many fingers?

2, 3, or 4?

Well, as many as I need,
isn't that right, Marty?

♪ Well,that ain't right, baby,
now that ain't right. ♪

Whew!

♪ Now that ain't right, baby,
now that ain't right! ♪

Oh, boy, I got my hands full, I
don't mind telling you.

I don't know what's getting
into the television

industry those days?

You know, I started out as
a television censor back

in the early '50s.

They were good old days.

We had good programming then.

"Our Miss Brooks" "The Ed
Sullivan Show" "Uncle Milty"

"I Love Lucy".

"My Little Margie".

"Lassie".

"Amos And Andy".

"Leave It To Beaver".

[Laughter]

But these days, the life
of a television censor is

one living heck, I don't know
what's getting into them!

I don't know what they're doing!

Each one trying to
outdo the other.

Prostitution, abortion,
homosexuality.

And that's only in the
commercials.

Oh, I can't stand it!

[Crying]

Could we have a
moment, Senators?

My client seems to be
a little overcome.

It's all right.

It's all right.

[Crying]

-It's all right, proceed.
-No, no, no.

Get control.

It's all right.

I can continue.

In the last week alone, the
words I would have to cut out,

even in the kiddie shows.

For instance?

Well, Senator, they're not the
sort of words I can use in

front of live
television cameras.

However, I had the foresight
to prepare a list of a few of

the kinds of words I've
had to deal with.

Excellent foresight,
Mr. Bowdler.

I want you to know that America
is proud of a man like you.

Mr. Bowdler, I want to
commend you.

You have acted in the highest
tradition of American censorship

thank you, thank you, thank
you, Senator Rawlings.

But in my business, you have
to keep a sharp eye peeled.

It's amazing what some of
these cock suckers will try

to get away with.

[Laughter]

Oh, excuse me, is
that one word or two?

[Laughter]

Is what one word or two?

Cock suckers.

It's amazing what some
of the cock suckers

will try to get away with.

Is cock suckers one word or two?

One!

Two!

[Laughter]

I think you should hyphenate it,
Miss Goodbody.

[Laughter]

Well, I beg your pardon,
I'm not that sort of girl.

[Laughter]

The witnesses excused.

Miss Xaviera Hollander, please.

Isn't she adorable.

[Whistling]

[Gavel banging]

This is --

Ah.

[Cameras clicking]

Miss Hollander, hi.

Hi.

Do you promise to tell the
complete as you so know it to

be before this committee of
the United States Senate,

so help you God?

I do.

Wonderful.

[Laughter]

Your name is Xaviera Hollander?

That's correct.

Will you state for the committee
your business?

Pleasure.

[Laughter]

Miss Hollander, on the morning
of April 2nd of last year, one

Captain Louis Danders of the New
York City vice squad was seen

entering your apartment at
10 East 58th Street.

It was 10:18 and he was
seen leaving at 12:10.

Now Miss Hollander, could you
please tell this committee just

what happened between you
and Captain Danvers in that

two-hour period in
your apartment?

♪♪

At 10:23 to be exact, he was
on his hands and knees in

the living room struggling
with his nuts.

Oh, Captain, we've had a
problem with it ever since

the giant martini party.

It keeps coughing up olives.

And what else was going on
there at the time?

Well, nothing really.

We were having a little
ice cream social.

♪♪

We definitely need more voltage.

We're blowing a lot of
fuses around here.

♪♪

Then at 11:30 he was out in the
living room, rubbing my knocker.

Put a high gloss on it, Captain.

You know I don't like anything
around me being dull.

You know how you
can shine it up.

Captain, you've been so
helpful, thank you so much.

Every little bolt.

Do you like my apartment,
isn't it wonderful?

You like it, too?

It's home.

Finally at 12:10, I handed
the poor exhausted man,

$600 and he left.

You take care now, stay warm.

♪♪

Uh-huh.

Then you admit to
giving him a pay off.

You admit to bribing a
captain in the New York
City police department.

What pay off?

I gave him the rent.

He owns the building.

Captain Louis Danvers is
my landlord.

Landlord?

Uh-huh.

Senator, if I may approach,
I believe this affidavit

will explain everything.

Good.

[Laughter]

Ahem.

Leaking pipes.

Sockets?

Well, let's get on
to the next point.

Miss Hollander, on the afternoon
of April 10th of last year,

you were entering the offices
of Burton, Bailey, Dunbar and

Owens, an advertising agency at
375 Madison Avenue.

In New York City.

Could you please state
for the committee,

the exact nature of your visit?

Of course.

I am a paid
consultant for the agency.

[Laughter]

Go on, Miss Hollander.

On that particular day I was in
Mr. Burton's office and as I

recall Mr. Bailey was there and
so was Mr. Dunbar several

vice-presidents and several
account executives

of the firm.

♪♪

Thank you so much.

We're in the business of selling
products, Miss Hollander,

and you sell a product that
we use to sell our products.

Now which of our
commercials do you think

that your particular --

[Laughter]

Expertise would lend itself to?

Well, gentlemen, I prepared
some sample spots.

First the toilet paper
commercial with the

adorable Mr. Zipple.

Okay, Max, roll it.

Um.

Oh, Boobies, you are so
squeezably soft.

I just love to squeeze it.

Oh.

Please don't squeeze
the Boobies.

Wonderful, fantastic.

Xaviera, you've got your fingers
on the pulse of America.

Now, let take a look
at Ruthie's Diner.

Ruthie, here comes that sweet
honeymoon couple again.

Aren't they cute?

Cute my ass.

You ought to see the spills
those two make.

Hey Ruthie, wait until you so
what we learned last night.

Oh, what a mess.

Goodness, Ruthie, how are you
going to clean all of this up?

Mountie is the
quicker sucker upper.

Give us another!

Give us another!

Oh, for heaven's sake, relax.

Next is my favorite,
it's Marvin, the cat.

Okay Max.

Marvin, I've got
something you like.

Not me, I'm too finicky.

Marvin, it's something really
special.

Oh, won't she ever learn.

Marvin, it's nine wives.

Nine wives.

♪♪

God bless you, Miss Hollander.

You saved us from a recession.

You saved the
free-enterprise system.

[Applause]

Very pretty story,
Miss Hollander.

I'm afraid it won't wash.

Our investigator have
established that your

activities went
far beyond that.

That your evil pernicious
influence extended itself in

to the most sacred of the
American institutions.

Professional sports.

[Laughter]

Please, please, can we
have a little dignity here?

What?

I object.

Could we have a specific
reference, Senator, to that?

On September 20th of this year,
you were seen in the West Side

Tennis Club and I submit
to you, Miss Hollander,

you went straight into
the men's locker room.

No, I didn't.

You don't mean to say you went
in to the ladies locker room?

Miss Hollander, you can't deny
your assistants was trying

to get one of your prostitutes
on the pro tennis tour.

The other women won't let me
play in the tournament.

Natalie, maybe you are
trying too hard.

What do you mean?

Try using feminine strategy,
do it the easy way,

[bleep] the coach.

♪♪

Remember, hard to get.

Well, if it isn't the leading
likes of the women's

tennis tournament.

Mind if I join you ladies?

She's quite a gal.

She's no gal.

She's a hooker.

She couldn't get a man in the
sack with a bazooka.

Hey, you're kind of cute.

Can I buy you a drink?

Blow it out your ass, buddy.

♪♪

Why don't we go up to
my place and get high?

What kind of girl do
you think I am anyway!

A-choo!

Salud.

You Frenchman.

You are kind of weak on your
forehand why don't we go out

on the court and give
you some pointers.

Mind if I lead the way?

Don't mind if you do.

Now so this can be fun.

Yeah.

Now, listen, sweetheart,
this is getting in the way.

We really don't need that.

Just set it aside.

Now here's the way it goes.

All you have to do is
adjust your grip.

Don't you think we
need a ball here?

No balls will just
get in the way.

Just adjust your grip.

I can't stand it.

Kiss me.

Ah.

She went to to lead the
Davis women's team to

victory later that year.

[Applause]

[Gavel banging]

I now before the little hand is
on 12, and the big hand

is moving right up behind it,
so I now declare this session

of recess for lunch.

We'll reconvene at 2 o'clock.

Xaviera.

Xaviera.

Hey, Xaviera, how is
it going in there?

So far so good.

The main thrust of your
testimony seems to be that

sex is good and positive
thing in America?

Oh, it's the very best
you ought to try.

Would you say that it enhances
America's values?

Gentlemen, I am the attorney of
record here and I want you to

know that my client will not be
answering any questions about

her testimony until after the
hearings.

I'm really concerned
about Linda.

I'm worried.

We have to do something
to help her.

We have enough to do
to worry about you.

I'm serious, Ward.

I can tell you a lot about
girls like Linda because

I am one of them.

We have to lookout for each
other because no one else will.

There is a lot of high-powered
sharks just waiting to swallow

up a little fish like Linda
and nobody will even notice.

Just a hooker.

Just a hooker is still a human
being and she matters and

I'm not going to forget it.

You're right.

I'll do everything I can.

I am not just a lawyer.

You know, I care about people.

I raised, personally, $50,000
for the unwed mothers

in South Hampton.

We had a charity polo.

I'll help.

I know you care.

Let's get out of here and let's
just forget about all of this

just for a little while.

Let me show you that there
is still more to Washington

than those imbeciles in the
committee who've managed

to soil and corrupt the ideals
upon which this nation --

Let's go for this walk.

-- men like George
Washington who led people

through Valley Forge --

It's going to be dark
and we'll be mugged.

Let's go for that walk!

I'm a black belt karate man.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

That reminds me of
the canals in Holland.

When I was a little girl
sailing and skating,

probably can't picture me as a
little girl, can you, Ward?

I can picture you.

I wished I'd known you then?

Really, why?

I shouldn't known you when
you could still fall in love.

Well, we'd better get
back to the hearing,

it's almost 2 o'clock.

it's almost 2 o'clock.

Don't make wee-wee
on the flowers.

Order.

Miss Hollander, you may be
amusing the press in the

gallery with the
clever fairytales.

Fairytales?

But our committee of
investigator have turned up

an even more shocking
evidence regarding

the spread of your
pernicious influence.

That's one of the few
things I've never spread.

What's that, huh?

[Laughter]

Order.

Miss Hollander, what were you
doing in the National's Motor

Plant in Pontiac, Michigan on
July 1st of this year?

I was hoping you would ask
me that, Mr. Petersdorf.

♪♪

Ooh, it only does that on wood.

On cement, it's fantastic.

Even in pouring rain it hugs
the road like a 18- Wheeler.

It goes from 0 to 90 miles
per hour in only matter

of 9.8 seconds.

Donald, darling, did you fly
us all the way out here

to sell me a car?

Sorry, Xaviera, in order to
stay in business, we must

get the kids of America out
of their bedrooms and into

the back seats again.

Now, the new Ramrod is a
youth orientated car.

It's small, economical, safe
and most important of all,

it's comfortable.

Notice, notice, the rear seats,
how they tilt back at a 38

linear degrees which according
to Master and Johnson is

perfect for what
we have in mind.

Oh, it's passed all of the
tests except one, the big one.

The double dating test.

Can it be done in
the front seat?

Look we have a full-scale model.

Well, why don't you
bring it in Donald.

Of course, I was just
going to do that.

Here comes the beauty now.

♪♪

Of course, we want to test
it in all three positions.

Donald, there are 112
positions, which of the three?

Man on top, man on bottom,
and man on behind.

Man on bottom is that
anything like woman on top?

Okay, gentlemen,
whom will it be?

Well, the testing by Mr.
Peters, and Mr. Samuels here,

I wouldn't want
to get involved.

We are going after
all three positions.

Girls.

♪♪

Thanks.

Okay, Sheila, give them
number 27.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

That's great, Sheila.

Now more on the hip.

Yeah, let me have more
torque on the hips.

More stick gearshift.

That's it.

Closer.

Come on, Peters, this is
a sports car.

Now watch those curves.

Watch the elbows.

Come on.

All right.

Line her up.

Line her up.

Okay.

Easy does it.

And reenforce the side panels.

That's it.

Ah!

Naughty, naughty.

Whew.

Where did everybody go?

Gentlemen, gentlemen, this
is another example of the

sexual depravity that is
undermining American life.

Balderdash.

[Gavel banging]

Miss Hollander,
you are in contempt.

What did I do?

I object.

On what grounds are
you holding my client?

Grounds?

Grounds?

This woman is a Jezebel and
a harlot and a pernicious

influence on everything
sacred in American life.

I object!

This is a mockery of justice.

That's right a
mockery of justice.

Did the court reporter get
that mockery of justice.

Mockery of justice in
a Democratic society.

I want you to
hear that in court.

I voiced that as well as I could
possibly voice it for my client

and I think the record will
show that, thank you very much.

This hearing is adjourned until
10 o'clock in the morning at

which time we'll institute
contempt proceedings.

Bailiff, remove this
woman from the court.

Stop it!

You're hurting me.

Put me down, please.

Miss Hollander.

What is all of this about?

You'll find out pretty soon.

Will you be good enough
to come with me?

Yankee doodle, yankee doodle.

Shh.

This is a high security area of
the CIA.

Everything that you say
is being taped and used

against your grandchildren.

Thank you.

This is a recording.

♪♪

Welcome to my playroom.

Ah.

The aqua blow gun.

[Laughter]

that can take the eye out of
a socialist at 200 yards.

Come in, my dear, come in.

Oh, would you, would you like
some candy, little girl?

Didn't your momma tell you not
to take candy from strangers?

[Laughter]

[Explosion]

Fun, fun, fun!

Ahem.

This is the kp93.

It looks like a wallet, but
actually it is very handy

for carrying small
credit cards.

[Explosion]

All right, all right,
I'm convinced!

So were a group of
terrorists in Beirut.

Now I want you to
see right over here.

No, stop it, you're
destroying this place.

You mean museum.

They will not allow us to use
this hardware any longer.

We have to use different
and subtle techniques to

protect our way of life.

This was my favorite.

Uh-huh.

The over night bag for a weekend
in the country, any country.

Now, you take this bag
into the bathroom and a

little tooth paste.

[Laughter]

Now a little here it is,
dental floss for the places

that are hard to brush.

Hum, and now come with me.

Come on, dear, we'll attach this
right over here to this on

get them up on time alarm
clock and time delay

and we have no time to delay.

[Explosion]

[Explosion]

So what does this
have to do with me?

If you want me to kill someone
you can forget it right now.

You might have got the
impression from the Senators

that I am just a hooker with
no moral scruples whatever.

Relax, baby, it's like I said
this is a new era and for

the time being a new CIA.

Violence is out.

Now what we want from
you is shall we say

undercover diplomacy.

What do you want me to do?

You will be briefed.

By whom, the president?

♪♪

You realize of course, the
president will and I will deny

knowledge of this mission.

I understand.

Your absence from Washington
will be unexplained.

I understand.

Miss Hollander,
Miss Hollander, yes?

On behalf of the
United States of America.

Yes, I understand.

Whew.

The Middle East men are meeting
this weekend in Miami beach

to confer starting a war that
would be disastrous for the

economy in the free world.

This most militant of Arab
leaders is Sheik Ollie.

Sheik Ollie is the most
eccentric known billionaire

in the Middle East.

He's also the absolute ruler of
28 million subjects whose

average per capita income
$49.11 a year before taxes.

And his people hate him and
where ever there is that kind of

natural unrest, there is
always the danger of

Communist revolution.

There's nothing we can do
about that right now.

We can't send in the marines.

We can't have him assassinate
and we can't have his telephone

service screwed up by ITT.

But what we can do is try to
keep him away from that meeting

and there's only one
way to do that?

♪♪

[airplane noise]

The president has been
adamantly following the

Senate sex hearings.

And for reasons that I'm sure
you understand, clinical

reasons, he can't get involved
overtly at this point, but I can

tell you that he has been very
impressed with your testimony

and the president is convinced
that you are the only person

that can save America.

Remember Sheik Ollie
must miss this meeting.

So what is all of this about?

You are giving my people
in the desert hope oh,

mighty Sheik Ollie.

Shake, shake.

No, no, I mean it is
pronounced Sheik Ollie.

Sheik Ollie.

Aren't you hot with all
of these clothes on?

No, no, as a matter of
fact I'm used to it. The people
in my country use it to protect
them from the sun.

Oh, you have the hands
of a passionate man.

Well, thanks very much.

Why don't you come with me.

Come with you?

Yes.

Come on.

Okay.

I would like a very fatty
pastrami sandwich with tongue,

coleslaw, turkey, roast beef and
chopped liver and a slice of raw

onion on black pumper
neckle bread, please.

Give me a number one,
hold the mayo.

The -- is embedded in the fight.

Maybe they are the chosen
people.

Go on, my child.

So after the Israeli soldiers
took my village in the Sinai

and they captured me and put
in a commando base as a

plaything for their officers.

Every night I was forced to
perform unspeakable acts

with uncircumicized dogs!

Able to embed it in
deep, they're cleaner,

I know I've got --

You got another cream soda?

Oh, it was horrible, horrible,
oh, mighty Sheik.

Not as horrible as it would be
if I would have you and didn't

have to go to this meeting.

What time is your meeting?

High noon.

Well, that's certainly
enough time for a big

old sheik like you.

Big old sheik is half of it,
baby.

I split you in to.

Ooh.

The girls call me
Sheik of Steel.

Sheik of Steel?

You mean you have
a harem with you?

Yes, in fact they have a
suite upstairs next to mine.

They say that my mighty
member is like an oil deck.

Producing 100 barrels a day.

100 barrels a day.

Is that crude or refined?

Whew.

I would just love to
try some of that.

Could we go to your room?

I'm sorry, I've got a meeting.

We've got plenty of time.

It is only 10:15.

I have got to finish my sandwich
and change the hump on my camel.

What would my wife say?

She would be jealous.

Oh, you do need help
don't you darling.

What help?

What help?

I am the Sheik of Steel.

It's not much of a
gusher, is it?

It's a mirage.

It doesn't have to be that way.

[Laughter]

You can help?

Uh-huh.

[Laughter]

Oh, if I only had the time.

[Laughter]

And you have the time.

[Laughter]

♪♪

Jump.

Oh, good jump.

Good jump.

♪♪

Hi, room service, I
hate to be such a bother.

I would like to order
12 dozen oysters and a

pair of rubber gloves and a
bicycle pump and a shoe lace

with 12 small knots in
it and melted butter.

Have you got all of
those things?

This is Miami Beach, darling.

You have all of those things?

This is Miami Beach,
darling, you got the bread,

we got the butter.

Splendid, thank you.

♪♪

♪♪

Oh, my goodness.

You came and don't go away.

I want you to help me.

Take this.

♪♪

La, la, la.

Ah.

♪♪

Are you ready in, are
you ready you little doll?

♪♪

Oh, no.

♪♪

Ooh, ooh.

Move over.

Oh, Ollie, I'm afraid
you missed your meeting.

Meeting, meeting?

Why do I care a meeting.

You made the pussycat of
the oasis the lion of

the desert again.

What can I do to show
my appreciation?

I know.

I will give I will buy a cure
for trigonous.

I'll give freedom to my people.

Oh, Ollie, you are the greatest.

I will distribute my wealth
in my country amongst my people.

No, there is enough
wealth in my country.

A filafil in every pot.

Two camels in every garage I'll
curve inflation and of course,

Xaviera, there will be a
king's ransom in for you.

But, of course, you wont take
any money for what you did.

Ollie, I have a
confession to make.

Hum?

I'm a hooker.

A what?

I'm a hooker and I was sent
here by the president of the

United States to seduce you.

And keep you out of
the that meeting.

Oh, praise him, a
wonderful fellow.

Oh, I anyhow you understand.

Does your country appreciate
what you've done for it?

And come away and marry
me and be my head wife,

no, be my only wife,
I'll fire them.

No, Ollie, I never was a
one man woman and besides

I'd hate to put all of
those girls out of work.

They must be a wonderful bunch.

Oh, they are, would you
like to meet them?

Oh, I would love it.

♪♪

What do you have?

Double martini.

No, make it a triple martini.

Feeling bad, huh?

Pits.

My life is over.

Your life is over.

It's my life and it's over.

Pour yourself one.

I can't drink on the job.

What can you do?

Just listen.

Okay, there was this girl.

Just a second, pal.

Damn, all of the gin joints and
all of the towns in this world

and you have to walk into mine.

That's terrific.

Okay, go ahead.

I only met her a couple of
days ago, and I knew from

the first moment I saw --

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Drink.

Okay, thanks.

Now you see what my problem is.

How about next Tuesday,
say 10 o'clock

we can talk some more?

Okay, what do I owe you in?

For the drink or the shrink?

Both.

$77.95.

Can I give you a check?

I would prefer cash.

Uncle Sam?

No, Uncle Irving,
he owns the joint.

♪♪

♪♪

[Horn honks]

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[Claps]

[Gong bangs]

Xaviera, I am so
glad to see you.

Linda.

You know this woman?

Know her, we were in the
Camp Fire girls together.

How did she get here?

She was sent to me by my good
friend Senator Rawlings.

Senator Rawlings?

You know him?

He's a great guy.

He and I go way back in the
business of white slave trading.

He's the dirtiest, the
filthiest, the raunchiest

most perverted man I ever met
but a prince of a fellow.

Do you mean he's
on your payroll.

Certainly.

They give me certain
votes on legislation and

I give them certain favors.

Perhaps there is something you
can do for me after all, Ollie.

Anything, Xaviera!

♪♪

♪♪

It shall be as you wish,
my desert flower.

Oh, shake, no, I mean shake.

I will drive you to
the airport come on,

I will take my butler's car.

♪♪

Mr. Thompson, Mr. Thompson, can
you tell us what is going on?

Is this part of your strategy.

I don't use strategy.

I use truth.

Truth is just as Earl Warren
said as I graduated at the top

of my class at Harvard.

He said truth, the truth
is the best defense.

Can you count on
Senator Rawlings,

a statement for your client?

Senator Rawlings' statement,
you should say that his mouth

should be washed out
with soap and water. You should
say that I said that.

You can quote me on that.

I mean, when a U.S. Senator
can hurt hurt a young lady

like Miss Hollander, I
mean, just completely take

her name and put it in the
dirt with impunity, I mean --

Can you tell us where
Miss Hollander is?

Let me finish my
question first of all.
It seems to me that that this
country should be given

back to the Indians.

Miss Hollander, I don't know
where she is.

-Will your client be at the
hearing tomorrow morning?
-Yes, my client will
be at that hearing.

I will be at that hearing
and the future of America

will be at that hearing.

And you also say that the
conscience of America will be at
that hearing tomorrow morning.

-You think you won the case?
-I think that I will win in
November, I can say that.

Are you romantically involved
with Xaviera, Mr. Thompson?

[Talking over one another]

We spoke with Ward Thompson,
her attorney who told us

that it seems as if Xaviera --

Xaviera, that is really you?

Are you all right?

I'm fine, I just stepped
out for a sheik.

I'm sorry, Ward, I wouldn't have
disappeared if I had any choice.

I just -- it wasn't my decision.

Right, right, right.

It wasn't your decision, it
was, now don't help me.

I bet it was those idiots
in the committee.

They kidnapped you and held you
hostage and kept away from

the hearing to throw
the book at you.

They are not
getting away with it.

Tomorrow, we are going
into the session and

I am going to fight them.

Them, I don't care if it
cost me every penny of

your entire legal fee.

I am upset.

And frankly I'm perturbed.

You really mean
that, don't you Ward?

Well, you bet I do.

Thank you.

It wasn't the committee?

Who was it then?

I can't tell you yet.

Xaviera, I am your lawyer.

Now tomorrow, we are going into
that hearing and I feel that you

better tell me what's going.

You are going to be there huh?

I'm going to be there.

You've got to trust me
a little bit longer.

Don't worry, Ward, I
think I found a way out

of this whole mess.

Xaviera, look, I have got to
have something to work with.

I am an attorney.

I can't work in the dark.

Sure you can.

You can try.

Just a moment, Senator, I have
a little more testimony to give.

Okay, girls.

[Crowd murmuring]

[Gavel banging]

[Laughter]

I move that this woman be
cited immediately for

contempt of Congress.

No, for treason.

Hold on, Senator Krause.

Do you recognize this girl?

♪♪

Oh, my God.

[Slapping sound]

Ooh.

Ah.

Come in, come in.

Come in, come in.

♪♪

Not the Jewish princess,
You're the wrong woman.

Don't you worry none, honey,
I have enough imagination

for both of us.

Now give me that whip.

Don't give me no sugar, creep.

Take down your pants.

And prepare your Finnish
behind for a whipping.

What can I do to make
you happy, my princess?

♪♪

Um, maybe you can open an
unlimited charge account

for me at Saks?

You got it.

Goodman?

Everything, everything!

Lord & Taylor?

You got it, you got it,
you got it!
[Slapping sounds]

I love you, I love you more!

No!

Please, princess.

What do you know of love?

My alias told me you
wanted a mother.

I'm not your mother, David.

Fritz.

My name is Fritz call
me anything.

Ah, I love you more.

Ah, you son of a bitch.

More, more, more, more, more.

You self- centered
totally worthless putz.

I love you, I deserve it.

I deserve?

Bark.

[Barking]

Keep barking.

[Barking and howling]

[Crowd talking
amongst themselves]

And you Senator Sturges.

Huh?

Do you remember
your little fantasy?

Oh, no, no, no!

Good evening, Senator Sturges.

Hello,Cindy.

What is in the box?

No questions.

You go ahead to my house
and wait for me.

You go ahead to my house
and wait for me.

[Car starts]

♪♪

♪♪

Where's the American
icbn missile?

Well, I'd never tell.

I fear you will.

[Door breaking]

♪♪

Superman, thank God it's you!

You really for the beating
of your life, Juan?

I'm ready.

[Slapping]

Try this around for size,
you cheap bully.

God bless you, Superman, honey.

No, God bless you, Cindy, for
keeping America strong and fro.

Your legs were open but
your mouth was closed.

Well, I declare, how
can I ever repay you?

Come on, let me try.

I can't.

I'm in love with Lois Lane.

Superman, this is sex, and
that doesn't have a thing

to do with love.

Just don't be faster
than a speeding bullet.

Oooh.

[laughter]

And Senator Caruso.

Oh, you can't mean?

Oh, no.

♪♪

Hey, mamma, what is for dinner?

Oh, sole mio.

I love opera.

I am a Caruso.

Enrico?

No, Senator.

He's dead but I'm alive
and I am hungry.

[Speaking foreign language]

Rigatoni?

No.

[Speaking foreign language]

No!

What?

Momma gonna take care of you.

♪♪

[Speaking foreign language]

♪♪

Um.

[Laughter]

Marty, Marty, please!

Call off the hearing!

Call them off!

[Gavel banging]

Senator Rawlings.

You've got nothing on me.

I had no sex last night.

I was at home with my wife.

[Laughter]

[Gavel banging]

Do you recognize
this girl, Linda?

No.

Oh, no?

Maybe this might
help you remember.

♪♪

♪♪