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[man]
Trevor...

we really liked
the last album.

I mean, we really,
really liked it.

We loved it

and have decided
to give you

a TV special to go along
with the next one, huh?

How does that
make you feel?

That's great.

I'm so excited.

Oh, so are we,
so are we.

We are so excited.

Now, there's just a couple
little official things

we have to
get out of the way.

Okay.

Since we're an international
media company,

you're gonna have to meet
with the higher-ups

and go over some stuff.

Is that all right?

Sure.

Great.

Well, then, why don't you just
show him down the hall?

Yeah, no problem.

Trevor, follow me.

Okay.

[gentle organ music]

Wow.

Whoa.

This is a cool office.

I like the little fire things
over there and everything.

Hi, we're the--

Oh.

Hi, we're the Illuminati.

Hi.

Hello.

Hi.

So we heard
about your big special.

We are very excited.

Yeah, thanks, me too.

Yeah, but before
you can do a special

on a major cable network,

we're gonna need you
to sign some things.

Okay, sounds good.

We're also gonna need you
to swear a blood oath

to us and our cause.

And if you violate this oath,

we're gonna murder you
and everyone that you love.

Got it, great.

You'll also need to pledge
your soul to Baphomet.

He's this god
that we all worship.

[Trevor]
Mm-hmm.

Okay.

He looks pretty cool.

He's like a crazy goat-man
kind of thing.

Now, we will need you
to include

some of our messaging
in your program.

Oh, okay,
so you mean, like,

there's gonna be a commercial
sponsor or something?

No, no, no, no, no.

Nothing tacky
like that, no.

We just want you
to have some,

you know,
self-destructive themes.

You know, like, we use
a lot of hip-hop artists

to glorify violence
and drugs,

pop starts to push materialism,

country acts to instill
suspicion of education.

Oh, okay,
that sounds cool.

We'll also need to film you
in a lewd act with a minor

to use as blackmail if you ever
think of telling anyone

about anything that
happened here today.

Now, could I
self-tape that?

Or is that something that
you'd want me to shoot here?

We'd like you
to do that here.

Yeah.

Well, finally,

we're gonna need
a suicide note

in your own handwriting,

just in case
things get crazy.

I actually might have
an old one on me.

I'm sort of a pack rat.

I think we're good.

Trevor, do you have
any questions for us?

Um...yeah.

Who killed Kennedy?

A French sniper,

but it was set up
by Lyndon Johnson.

Right, sorry,
that was a stupid question.

Yeah.

Are aliens real?

Aliens are real.

What are they like?

You know...
some are very cool.

Some are kind of shitty.

We're pretty tight
with the shitty ones.

Anything else?
Anything at all?

Yeah, I forgot
my federal I.D. number.

Is it okay
if I just leave that blank?

[sighs]

Yeah, we can
fill that in.

Yeah.

Great.

I think that's it for me.

Trevor, we're all
looking forward

to working with you.

Me too.

And remember,
just have fun with this thing.

But don't ever cross us,
because if you do,

well, we've implanted a small
explosive device in your heart.

Mm.

[dramatic music]

[man]
Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for Trevor Moore!

[cheers and applause]

Oh, my god.

Thank you.

Thanks, everybody.

New York City!

[cheers and applause]

Wow.

Thank you guys so much.

This is really cool.

I've never done
a comedy special before.

It's always kind of been
a dream of mine,

so thank you, everybody,
for coming out.

This is gonna be a lot of fun.

[cheers and applause]

Thanks.

[applause]

My name is Trevor Moore.

I used to do a show called
The Whitest Kids U'Know.

And--

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

We stopped making those
because of Timmy.

And--

And lately I've just been
touring around the country

and playing music.

And that's what I'm
gonna do here tonight.

I'm gonna play a bunch of songs
that I've written for you guys,

and show a whole bunch
of new videos too.

So does that sound fun?

[cheers and applause]

All right.

Okay.

This first song

is a song I wrote
about circumcision.

And it's called God Hates the
Tips of Little Babies' Dicks.

[women]
# God hates the tips

# of little babies' dicks

# God hates the tips

# of little babies' dicks

# So if your kid's a male

# even though he'll
scream and yell #

# you got to cut it off

# or their little souls
will burn in hell #

[bluesy electric guitar]

# Well, way back
in the beginning #

# God was making
men and women #

# and the fish of the sea
and the birds of song #

# Birds of song

# He announced
he'd made perfection #

# but on closer inspection

# He noticed that He'd left
one piece a bit too long #

# God hates the tips

# Of little babies' dicks

# God hates the tips

# of little babies' dicks

# So if your kid's a male

# Even though he'll
scream and yell #

# You got to cut it off

# or his little soul
will burn in hell #

# God gathered
people's leaders #

# said, "Start snipping
babies' wieners #

# This will be a sign
of our love and covenant #

# Covenant

# A few then went
and raised objections #

# saying they didn't see
the connection #

# but he said, "I'm God

# so none of this
needs to make sense" #

# He told 'em

# Go and cut 'em
with the scalpel #

# Go and cut 'em
with the scissors #

# or go and perform
a metzitzah b'peh #

# Metzitzah

# That's when the rabbi
sucks the blood #

# out the baby's penis
with his mouth #

# I swear to God

# that's a real thing

# Go and Google it

# Go and Google it

# But today across the land

# People still
keep his commands #

# Children learn
their first lesson #

# right after birth

# After birth

# The ones who are
supposed to protect them #

# Hold them down
and painfully correct them #

# Then they smile and say,
"Welcome to life on Earth" #

# Welcome to life on Earth

# God hates the tips

# of little babies' dicks

# God hates the tips

# of little babies' dicks

# So take a little
off the top #

# Because that's
what God instructs #

# unless it's not

# and some ancient pervs
just made it up #

# unless it's not

# and some ancient pervs
just made it up #

# Ooh

[cheers and applause]

Darren Trumeter
from Whitest Kids.

[cheers and applause]

Ah.

He was playing the doctor
throwing out baby dicks.

And we couldn't have--

We didn't have the budget
for real baby dicks, so...

those are hot dogs.

So you can eat those
if you want.

But that metzitzah b'peh thing

is 100% really true.

That's a real thing
that happens today,

like, in the 21st century.

Like, literally, today,

somewhere in the world,

a guy got up,
he went to work,

he put a baby's dick
in his mouth,

and then the parents
of that baby paid him.

So...religion is weird.

I grew up in
a very religious background.

I had a very--I grew up
in a very religious house.

I mean, not "baby me's dick in
another guy's mouth" religious,

but still religious enough.

And I was never really good
at being a religious kid.

I would try.

I really wanted to,
but it just--

it never really kind of
would take with me.

And this is kind of
an autobiographical song

about that.

Oh, dude.

Oh, dude, you got
to hit that shit.

Okay.

Oh, yeah.

Here we go.

[gagging, coughing]

What?

[coughing]

[Brian]
Are you kidding?

[coughing]
Wait.

You way too big for that
widdle biddle-ass hit, dawg.

Come on.

Pass it, man.

I know, look, I just--

The thing about me is,

I like to get high
incrementally,

because I had
a bad experience once,

so I like to take little hits
and see where that leaves me.

That way, I know
how much more I can smoke

before I get scared
and stuff.

What?

You need to stop
being a little bitch

and hit that shit.

Hit that shit.

[both]
Hit that shit.

Hit that shit.

I'm going--

[both]
Hit that shit.

- What?
- All right, all right.

Guys, guys.

[Jamaican accent]
Jah praise now.

Control this Rasta.

High-style herb,
good for the soul!

Bob from Babylon!

# Babylon shel-fah

[laughs]

Ohh.

[knocking]

[door opens]

Trevor, put your shoes on!

We have to get
to Midnight Mass!

[pipe organ music]

#

[hip-hop beat]

# I'm high in church

# I'm high in church

# O Lord, forgive me

# This is the worst

# I'm high in church

# I'm high in church

# O God, please help me

# This is the worst

# Went home for Christmas

# and Brian came over,
I was nervous #

# 'cause he brought a bag
of shrooms and pot #

# and I'm new to this,
I'm just learning #

# Got a little too high
on accident #

# Yeah, that's right,
not on purpose #

# Then Mom busted in my room

# and said we had to go
to midnight service #

# Now we're in the minivan

# and my friends
don't understand #

# I'm freaking out here, man

# trying to remember
who I am #

# My mom is talking to me

# and that's just
making it worse #

# We walk into the lobby

# Oh, shit,
I'm high in church #

# I'm high in church

# I'm high in church

# O God, please help me

# This is the worst

# I'm high in church

# I'm high in church

# I'm high as hell

# This is the worst

# Fit to go
grab a pew #

# I'm freaking out,
don't know what to do #

# There's an old war vet
snoring next to me #

# and I think he's been here
since World War II #

# I'm peaking here,
I'm wiggin' out #

# They know I'm stoned,
there is no doubt #

# Brian is reading a Bible
and laughing #

# I plead for him
to cut it out #

# But he's giggling loud,
he starts to cry #

# He's turning red,
I don't know why #

# He's like a goddamn
neon billboard #

# saying, "Hey y'all,
we're super high" #

# I ask him
what his problem is #

# and what's making him laugh

# He points to a verse
that says #

# the Lord opened up
the mouth of an ass #

# Oh, my god,
that's super gross #

# Why the hell
is that in there? #

# My mom shushes both of us

# and people turn around
and stare #

# I take the book from Brian

# The choir begins to sing

# It dawns on me that I've
never actually read this thing #

# I open up the pages

# and then start
flipping through #

# I find it calms me down

# and gives my mind
something to do #

# It says some
beautiful things #

# about forgiveness and love

# Till I get to the end
when God comes back #

# wilds out and straight-up
fucks Earth up #

# Holy shit,
did you know this? #

# Read this last part,
what the fuck? #

# Spoiler alert,
God comes back with dragons #

# and murders everyone

# What happened to

# the lovey-dovey stuff
from the other verse? #

# Oh, shit, man, I can't
handle this right now #

# I'm high in church

# I'm high in church

# I'm high in church

# O God, please help me

# This is the worst

# I'm high in church

# I'm high in church

# I'm high as hell

# This is the worst

# Need to get
where no one can see #

# so excuse myself
to take a pee #

# But in the bathroom
my old youth pastor #

# comes up and stands
next to me #

# Oh, great, he's probably
gonna start yapping #

# about how my soul
is eternal #

# But instead he just asks why

# my pants are down
at the urinal #

# Oops, um, sorry about that

# Nice to see you,
got to go #

# Oh, my god,
I'm high as balls #

# and there's no way
he doesn't know #

# Shit, this is getting
out of hand #

# I'm getting higher,
need to make a plan #

# Maybe tell Mom I'm sick
and try to get the keys #

# to sleep this off in the van

# I scoot back to my seat
and notice #

# everyone has stopped singing

# The pastor asks if there is
anyone here who is visiting #

# Mom gets excited,
raises her hand #

# I tell her no,
but she makes me stand #

# Pastor asks if I'm
just here for Christmas #

# and I say I am

# The congregation
turns around #

# The pastor asks me
how I've been #

# And that's about when
the goddamn shrooms #

# decided it was time
to kick the fuck on in #

[demonic laughter]

# Trevor you've really
done it now #

# Holy shit, what's going on?

# What is that voice?
I'm freaking out #

# This is Satan

# And you've summoned me
to seal your doom #

# Whoa, hold up,
wait a minute #

# I don't even think
I believe in you #

# I exist within
subconsciousness #

# down in your mind

# But you did drugs
and went to church #

# so now your soul is mine

# For all eternity

# you will never
escape my clutch #

# Okay, uh, first of all

# I think that seems
like a little much #

# A joint and a couple
caps and stems #

# Is that all
that a soul is worth? #

# And God made
everything I've done tonight #

# All of it's from the earth

# The mushrooms and the pot,
yo, He made it all #

# The nitrous and the Adderall

# Muscle relaxers,
maybe a little coke #

# But if that damns me
for eternity #

# then if you ask me,
the system's broke #

# Then Satan disappeared

# and shrieked
a shrieking sound #

# I sent him back to Hell

# because I fucking
stood my ground #

# The church stares at me

# Their eyes are open wide

# And the pastor asks
if I'd stop shouting #

# and please go outside

Uh, sure.

Sorry, it's just that...

# I'm high in church

# I'm high in church

# Whatever, man

# I guess it could be worse

# I'm high in church

# That's what I am

# Sorry, Mom, I guess
I'll be outside in the van #

Whatever, man.

I'm gonna be out
listening to the radio.

Wake me up
when you guys are done.

[cheers and applause]

Yeah!

Thank you.

I grew up in the South.

And when I was growing up,

there was a lot
of country music around.

Do you guys like country music?

[sparse cheering]

[laughter]

We're taping something here.

Can you pretend you like...

You guys like country music?

[cheers and applause]

All right.

Oh, oh.

Wonderful.

This is a country song
that I wrote.

# I grew up
in an American town #

# No locks on the doors
when we all bedded down #

# to sleep

# Met a pretty young girl
and made her my bride #

# After church on Sundays,
take the kids for a ride #

# down the street

# Swimming holes,
catching fireflies in jars #

# Spend the evening
staring at the stars #

# Then the gays got married

# The gays got married

# And the plant shut down

# The plant shut down

# And the crops dried up

# The crops dried up

# Everywhere around

# Everywhere around

# Then them gays
started kissing #

# Started kissing

# And the state
said, "Cool" #

# Cool

# And they made
all the kids #

# All the kids

# Be gay in school

# 'Cause them gays
got married #

# Gays got married

# When they announced it
on TV #

# jumped in my truck
and slammed reverse #

# I had to get to my family

# before the gay
could get there first #

# Hauling ass
down the interstate #

# In my throat
I could feel my heart #

# I didn't know
how much time I had #

# before all the orgies
would start #

# And they're grabbing
guys like me #

# and they're pulling us
out of our trucks #

# and they're kissing our lips
and nibbling our ears #

# and all sorts
of sexy stuff #

# And they're taking us out
to fancy hotels #

# and partying the night away

# And they're saying how good
we look in their shirt #

# when we wake up
the next day #

# No, I dare not look back

# to see what's behind

# They almost got me once

# when I was surfing online

# but as strong and straight
as I know I am #

# every man
can be pushed too far #

# I see the devil

# and the devil
looks like Mario Lopez #

# in jean shorts
washing his car #

# I pulled up
into my house #

# and I quickly ran inside

# I grabbed my lovely spouse

# but I felt no love
when I looked in her eyes #

# The gay had gone airborne

# and I didn't make it
in time #

# My family unit

# had already been undermined
because #

# the gays got married

# The gays got married

# And released gay spores

# Gay spores

# And all
the straight people #

# All the people

# Weren't in love no more

# Never love no more

# 'Cause them gays
got married #

# The gays got married

# Been in this bunker
three longs years #

# Canned food
and recycled air #

# Yet I shudder when I think

# about what must be
happening out there #

# A radioactive
scorched desert-scape #

# ruled by roving biker gangs

# with scary tattoos
and muscly arms #

# blue eyes
and super cute bangs #

# So I'll seal myself off
from everyone #

# and hide here until I die

# confused and angry,
sad and alone #

# and I know the reason why

# 'Cause the gays
got married #

# The gays got married

# The gays got married

# The gays got married

# The gays got married

# The gays got married

# The gays got married

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

Who here likes history?

[cheers and applause]

That was a damn good segue,
wasn't it?

Well, if you like history,
this song is for you.

[whip cracks, cat yowls]

[gunshot]

# Kitty history

[cheers and applause]

Thanks.

I like that one.

Something about that video,
actually.

We were gonna shoot it,

and you had to have
a ton of kittens

to make that video.

And I was like,
"I don't know how to do this."

So a friend of mine
was gonna shoot the thing.

And so I was there
at the beginning,

and the cats
weren't behaving.

They were, like, arching
their backs and just hissing,

and they wouldn't stay
in front of the camera.

They were running away.

And I was like, "Well,
we're not gonna get this.

This isn't gonna work."

So then I left.

I had to go do something else.

And then he started sending me,

like, video later in the day
of the cats behaving

and, like, sitting
in front of the backdrop,

and I was like,
"That's amazing."

Like, he figured out some sort
of cat whisperer trick.

I was like, "What did you do?

How did you get them to work?"

And he was like,
"It was easy.

"We made them work
for 13 hours,

and we broke their spirits."

He was like,
"It was awesome.

They were so sad by the end."

So...

And if someone from, like,
the ASPCA is watching,

that's a joke.

That didn't happen.

I've been doing comedy

for, like, a good portion
of my life now,

and one thing
that I've always noticed

is that people always
will pitch me,

like, sketches or songs to do,
which is fine.

But some people do it,
like, all the time.

For me, the person who does it
the most in my life

is my mom's friend
named Connie.

And for ten years,

she's always been telling me
little stories about her life.

And she's like, "Oh, you should
put this in a sketch,"

or, "Oh, you should make
the song out of this."

So I figured, since I have

this Comedy Central special
right now,

I'm gonna make Connie's dreams
come true,

and I'm gonna do a song
about Connie.

So, Connie, this is for you.

[drummer counting off]

[energetic guitar intro]

#

# Connie Watson

# Is my mom's best friend

# She's 62
and loves Land's End #

# Her hair is short

# and always looks wet

# She works reception
for the local vet #

# And every time I'm home

# she tells me stories
all day long #

# She says her life is crazy

# and I should put her
in a song #

# Connie, Connie,
Connie Watson, here you go #

# This is a song for you

# For your crazy tales
and anecdotes #

# She swears all this is true

# One time Connie

# went to T.G.I. Fridays

# with a bunch of ladies

# from church

# They thought the waiter
was cute #

# 'cause he looked like
a young Matt Lauer #

# And when he came over

# his nametag said Matt

# Connie, Connie,
Connie Watson #

# Frumpy lady,
a mystery and such #

# The craziest things
just seem to happen to her #

# You can't
make this stuff up #

# A guy at Kroger

# once thought
that Connie was his wife #

# When she turned around

# he was wrong

# But I can't do it justice

# I must not be telling
the story right #

# 'cause when Connie does

# it's 45 minutes long

# Connie, Connie,
Connie Watson #

# How do you like
your stupid song? #

# Is it everything that you
thought that it would be? #

# Everybody sing along

# Connie, I think you
might have #

# a non-verbal
learning disorder #

# 'cause you clearly
have trouble #

# interpreting
people's social cues #

# Connie, if someone hasn't
responded for 20 minutes #

# and they won't look up
from their phones #

# that means they don't
want to talk to you #

Everybody now!

[together]
# Connie I think you might

# have a non-verbal
learning disorder #

# 'cause you clearly
have trouble #

# interpreting
people's social cues #

# Connie, if someone hasn't
responded for 20 minutes #

# and they won't
look up from their phones #

# that means they don't
want to talk to you #

# Connie, where you at
tonight? #

# Are you at Panera Bread?

# Connie, where you at
tonight? #

# Are you at Panera Bread?

# She's got a sweatshirt

# of cats unrolling
a roll of toilet paper #

# in the bathroom

# And it says,
"Let the good times roll" #

# Are you at Panera Bread?

# She's got a sweatshirt

# of cats unrolling
a roll of toilet paper #

# in the bathroom

# And it says,
"Let the good times roll" #

# Are you at Panera Bread?

# She's got a sweatshirt

# of cats unrolling
a roll of toilet paper #

# in the bathroom

# And it says,
"Let the good times roll" #

[cheers and applause]

[pleasant piano ballad]

#

# Benjamin Franklin
went out into the storm #

# and bravely let his kite
go up in the air #

# He risked his life
on an idea that night #

# And thanks to him,
we now have light everywhere #

# Louis Pasteur never
gave up on his cures #

# And thanks to him
now we all have a vaccine #

# And Orville and Wilbur
toiled until they delivered #

# what until then
had just been in our dreams #

#

# Goddamn, white people
are geniuses #

# Goddamn, it really
blows me away #

# I know it's not cool
to talk about it #

# But it's something
that I just got to say #

Uh, Trevor...

# Can you imagine
a world... #

Trevor.

# Where white people
just did not exist? #

# That would be
such a terrible thing #

Hey, Trevor.

Yes, what?
What?

Is that the song?

Yeah, why?

Well...it's racist.

What?

No, it's not.

Yes, it is;
it's a racist song.

What do you mean?

I'm just copying things down
exactly from this history book.

Okay, you're just saying that
only white people are geniuses.

No, I'm not.

There's geniuses
from other races.

The way you're singing it,

it's implying that there
are more people who are geniuses

that are white than of
any other kind of race.

Well, that's not
what the song's about.

Well, that's what
it sounds like.

- Really?
- Yes, really.

You can't just single out
an entire race

and say they're the ones
who are geniuses.

You have to incorporate
all the races.

You got to talk
about black geniuses,

Mexican geniuses,

Asian geniuses.

Okay.

I kind of see
what you're saying.

- Yeah.
- Sorry about that.

Okay, just give me
a minute.

I can fix it.

Okay, I got it;
I got it.

Okay, just...

all kinds of geniuses.

Not just white.

Okay, thank you.

[pleasant piano ballad]

#

# Lots of other races
have geniuses too #

# Don't let anybody
tell you other #

# George Washington Carver
was a black guy #

# who figured out
how to make peanut butter #

# La-da-dun-da-da

# And da-dun-da da-doo
da-da-doo #

# Hmm-dee-dee-da
da-dun-da da-dun-da #

# La-da-da bup-ba-da
ba-um-ba-da-da #

# Mm-hmm

# La-da-da da da da
la da #

# Mm-pa-doo ba-ba-boo
bup-bup-bee #

That's all you got?

That's all that's
in the history book.

It's one page.

George Washington Carver.

Where did you
get that book?

It's mine from school.

Where did you go to school?

Virginia, in the 1980s.

Why?

You know what?

I'm gonna call Doug in here.

No, no, no, no,
don't call Doug.

No, no, no, no,
I'm gonna bring him in.

Maybe he can tell you
about some

of the famous geniuses
of black history, okay?

[stuttering]

Hey, Doug!

You busy?
Can you get in here?

Hey, what's up, man?

Hey.

This is Trevor.

Hey.

He's currently
recording a song

called
White People are Geniuses.

[laughs awkwardly]

Amongst,um, Many Other
Races of Geniuses.

That's what the full title
is gonna be.

He thinks the only thing
black people have invented

is peanut butter.

[Trevor]
No, no, I don't.
No, I don't.

No, I know that black people
have invented tons of things.

Like what?

Like rap.

Rap?

Like, a hugely
popular music

that's integral
to our culture?

What else?

Uh, basketball?

Psych,
I didn't say that.

I didn't mean that.
I didn't say that.

Okay, so according
to you,

the only things that
black people have invented

have been rap, basketball,
and peanut butter.

I know that black people
have had a huge part

in shaping this entire country.

There were black people

that signed
the Declaration of Independence.

- No.
- Holy shit.

That did not happen.

There were no black people.

They were a little busy.

They were a little tied up
at the moment.

[Trevor]
I'm sorry.

I'm not
very well-versed

in other cultures' history,
so...

can you help me?

All right.

Well, black people
invented air conditioning,

cell phones,
the stethoscope, typewriters,

the first
mechanical heart,

door knobs, elevators,
fire extinguishers,

the guitar, stop lights,

potato chips, gas masks,

the Super Soaker,

and the Cabbage Patch.

Black people invented
the Cabbage Patches?

No, this.
The Cabbage Patch.

Oh, that's great.

But y'all wouldn't know that.

Y'all wouldn't even
think about it,

'cause you're so wrapped up
in your racist worldview.

Wow, I didn't know all that.

So...thanks.

Don't mention it.

I'm charging overtime
for this.

Anything you need,
anything.

Thank you so much,
Doug.

Thank you, Doug.

Thank you.

Take the rest of the day.

Are we good?

Yeah, but I'm gonna Google
some of that stuff,

'cause I don't know.

Fuck you.

This next song is a folk song
that I just recently wrote.

It's called
The Ballad of Billy John.

[drummer counting off]

[melodic acoustic guitar]

# Billy John
was a simple man #

# worked in the fields
most his life #

# Provided for his wife
and kids #

# and left his dreams
on the side #

# One day when the kids
left home #

# well, he picked up
his guitar #

# It had been a while

# but his fingers still knew
how to reach the heart #

# He played a song
about life and love #

# his hopes and regrets

# Then with a little prodding
from the missus #

# he put it on the Internet

# When the views
started pouring in #

# tears of joy
started to fall #

# Then they scrolled
to the comments section #

# and this is what they saw

# Eat a bag of shit,
cuntface #

# Go and blow your fucking dad

# Your shit
just raped my ears #

# Never heard nothing so bad

# I hope you fucking die

# And I hope you get AIDS

# You should just
kill yourself #

# You're a fag,
LOL gay #

[harmonica break]

#

# Billy John's wife
watched her husband #

# as he shrugged
and tried to smile #

# He put his guitar away

# but stopped and stared at it
for a while #

# She knew he felt
like a fool #

# and he'd never play again

# So she turned on her webcam

# and let her message begin

# She said

# The man you've hurt tonight

# I've watched for 35 years

# He's got a kind
and gentle soul #

# and thanks to you,
that soul's in tears #

# And the people said

# Shut the fuck up, fatty

# Show us your tits

# 1 out of 10,
I wouldn't bang #

# I bet she'd try
to eat your dick #

# You should go get sterilized

# so that you can't have kids

# Then they PhotoShopped
a bunch of pictures #

# of her covered in jizz

[harmonica break]

#

# Well, the video went viral

# 57 million hits

# Billy John's wife
became a meme on the Internet #

# They played the clip on CNN

# and read tweets
about her weight #

# 'Cause I guess that's
the sort of thing #

# that the news does nowadays

# Now Billy John and his wife
did nothing wrong #

# and they weren't dumb

# They just hadn't
paid attention #

# to what we'd all become

# And a couple weeks later

# after avoiding it
for some time #

# a broken-down
and changed Billy John #

# finally went back online

# He found a page
of a blogger #

# still making fun of his wife

# He signed up
and made an account #

# and this is what he typed

# Eat a bag of shit, cuntface

# Go and blow your fucking dad

# Your shit just raped my eyes

# Never read nothing so bad

# I hope you fucking die

# And I hope you get AIDS

# And the world
lost a Billy John #

# and it gained
more of the same #

[harmonica outro]

#

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

You know, online bullying
is a very serious problem.

3.8 billion kids
are bullied every day.

And...

And there's never a reason
to bully anyone.

Unless it's one of those kids
that, like, jerks off

onto My Little Pony toys.

That's okay.

Or Juggalos; that's fine too.

Otherkins, that's fair game,
like, kids that think

that they're squirrels
or vampires or stuff like that.

That's fine.

Also, like, whoever's
the poorest kid in school,

'cause that's--

It's relatable;
it's a relatable joke.

So there are a couple examples

where it's okay
to make fun of kids.

But besides that,
you shouldn't do it.

It's okay for me
to say that, though,

because I was bullied a lot
when I was a kid.

But I didn't take it lying
down.

I did something about it.

And this is a song about that.

[aggressive nu metal music]

# Bought a monkey

# Bought a monkey,
bought a monkey #

# Bought a monkey

# Bought a monkey,
bought a monkey #

# Bought a monkey

# Bought a monkey,
bought a monkey #

# You see me coming,
motherfucker #

# better run from me

# Back in school everyone
used to make fun of me #

# I ate my lunch by myself

# and never went to parties

# Jocks would push me around

# Girls would all
call me names #

# But I kept my mind
on my paper #

# and my head in the game

# Working three jobs at a time
and socking money away #

# while they all went
to college #

# just to get drunk
and get laid #

# Years later and I finally
reached my goal with my funds #

# And everyone who bullied me
is gonna see what I've done #

# Bought a monkey

# Bought a monkey,
bought a monkey #

# Bought a monkey

# Bought a monkey,
bought a monkey #

# Bought a monkey

# Bought a monkey,
bought a monkey #

# You see me coming,
motherfucker #

# better run from me

# This monkey's hard as shit

# Bought him online from a zoo

# So he's crazy as hell

# 'cause he was
probably abused #

# He likes to smoke cigarettes

# and looks good in head bands

# I also tied nunchuks

# to each one of his hands

# and a knife to his head

# a skateboard to his feet

# Everyone who picked on me

# gonna run when we
hit the streets #

# So wherever you at

# you better run and hide

# 'cause you fixin'
to be the victim #

# of a monkey drive-by

Damn, monkey, that's enough.

Let me hit some of that.

[monkey chirps]

[coughing]

Oh, there they are.

Okay, monkey.

You ready to do this shit?

Hey, Darrel...

Look what I got.

What the fuck is that?

Oh, shit, that's a fucking
monkey on a skateboard!

Shoot it!
Shoot it!

Pull out the gun!
Shoot it!

[gunshots]

[nunchucks whooshing]

Ah!

# Then we'll go to the clubs

# and find Becky LaRue

# She was the prettiest girl
in my entire school #

# And she'll be dancing
with Brian #

# from the lacrosse team

# But they gonna stop

# when they get a load
of monkey and me #

# 'cause monkey's
wearing a suit #

# and we both look
cool as hell #

# An hour later
we're tag-teaming Becky #

# at the hotel

# Brian's watching us go

# and he's getting real sad

# 'cause Becky tells him
me and monkey #

# are the best that she's had

# She gets pregnant real fast

# 'cause our sperm count's
insane #

# then gives birth
to a half-monkey #

# with a human brain

# His genetics are fucked

# and he can hardly see

# But he's cute
and says funny things #

# like, "Please kill me"

# So we sell him to science
for a trillion in cash #

# Then withdraw it all and make
the dumb economy crash #

# Everyone's poor as shit
and we're both rich as hell #

# Everyone from high school
is locked up in a cell #

# Then we go to the moon,
and we meet moon babes #

# They each have,
like, six boobs #

# and, like, 15 labes

Hey, weirdo...

[monkeys chirping]

Zoo's closed, got to go.

[Trevor]
How much is it
to buy one of these things?

Told you before,

you can't own a monkey
in this state.

But I have almost $1,100.

Doesn't matter.

Now get out.

Okay.

But just so you know,

you're on the list now.

Right, we're all
on the list, okay?

Go.

[somber string music]

#

[Trevor]
# Bought a monkey

# Bought a monkey,
bought a monkey #

[cheers and applause]

I wanted to shoot something

where there was a monkey in it
for years.

And I finally got to do it,
and it was awesome,

because they have to let
the monkey, like, bond to you.

So they open the cage,
and the monkey comes up

and, like, sits in my lap
and hugs me and everything.

It's like, "Oh."

And we were, like,
really good friends,

and it was awesome.

We hung out all day.

And, like, she showed me
some cool YouTubes,

and, like, we talked about--

Her mother was
Michael Jackson's monkey,

so, like, it was really cool.

And we were gonna stay
in touch afterwards.

It was really neat.

But then,
when we were shooting,

that scene where
the monkey throws the money,

the monkey that we shot with
all day--

most of that was one monkey--

but that monkey didn't
know how to throw.

So they had this second monkey
that was on set,

and he was the one
that was gonna throw things.

So then when it came time
for that shot,

the monkey trainer,
he was like,

"Now, this monkey
hates women and children,

so they can't be in the room."

And I'm like, "Okay."

And then they open the cage,
and this monkey,

this shitty monkey,
just, like, comes out

and starts throwing everything,
like, "Ah!"

Like, "I hope I don't see
any kids or ladies."

And then it, like, goes away,

and then I was all--that's--

The point of that is,

no matter how shitty of a monkey
you may find,

you could trap it
and, you know,

eventually find some use for it.

This next song
is another country song.

[cheers and applause]

Your favorite, yeah.

And this song is about

what most good country songs
are about: drinking.

So...

[gentle acoustic guitar]

#

# Me and Jessie's cousin

# went to the Chevron
after work #

# to grab a couple sixers

# and some beefy jerk

# The man behind the counter

# said he'd like to see I.D.

# I handed him one of a guy
who sort of looked like me #

# He frowned and asked me
what was my address #

# I knew the street

# but I couldn't quite
get the rest #

# I said I'd lost
my real I.D. #

# and that we would
pay him double #

# We swore that
we weren't cops #

# and that he wouldn't
get in trouble #

# He smiled and said,
"I'm sorry #

# "but it's already 12:04

# "and the state says
it's too late #

# to sell alcohol anymore"

# Sadly we went
to put back the beer #

# But then a bottle
caught my eye #

# and I got an idea'r

# What about mouthwash?

# What about huffing paint?

# You don't need I.D.
to buy it #

# and you can't
arrive too late #

# What about mouthwash?

# What about smelling glue?

# If they say
you can't buy liquor #

# then some cough syrup
should do #

# Before we count
this night up as a loss #

# say, what about mouthwash?

# Sitting in the truck
in the parking lot #

# underneath the moon
and all them stars #

# We don't need
their liquor stores #

# and we don't need
their bars #

# Drinking Listerine and tonic

# Jessie's cousin
sipped a Scope and Coke.

# Robitussin-Red Bull

# Now that shit ain't no joke

# But something changed
within me #

# at that store

# Beer and spirits
just don't cut it anymore #

# The whispers that I hear

# and the looks
that I keep getting #

# when I toast
with a Dimetapp daiquiri #

# at a fancy wedding

# And last night
a cop pulled me over #

# going down 95 South

# and he saw
the Sherman-Williams #

# all over my nose and mouth

# He just looked
straight at me #

# with a pity in his eyes

# like he'd just seen
the depths of sadness #

# a man can have inside

# and the lengths
to which he'll go #

# to numb it down
for another day #

# He looked as if he'd cry

# but then he
just walked away #

# I watched as he rolled off
down the interstate #

# And then I thought
to myself #

# that's another reason
this stuff's great #

# What about mouthwash?

# What about smelling glue?

# When the police
pull you over #

# They ain't sure
what to do #

# What about mouthwash?

# Or even hand sanitizer

# When they check
your glove compartment #

# they won't be
none the wiser #

# Before we count
this night up as a loss #

# say, what about mouthwash?

# What about mouthwash?

[cheers and applause]

Yeah.

So--hold on.

I want to talk about
that song for a second.

I shot that video
a little while ago.

And so I had the video,

and I was going to go play
a college in Kansas.

And I just finished it.

I hadn't shown it anywhere.

And I was like,
"Oh, this will be great.

"I'll show all the kids
at this college.

"It'll be a fun thing.

They'll be the first
to see it."

So I went down,
and I did it.

It was, like,
a Friday night show.

And I showed the video,

and all the kids
really liked it.

They were all, like, laughing

and, like, cheering and stuff.

And I was like, "Oh, cool,"
and I walked off stage,

and, like, the head
of the student union

was sitting there kind of
crossed arms and mad at me,

and I was like,
"What did I do?"

And then I didn't realize
that the whole reason

they were having people perform
on that Friday was,

it was supposed to be
something called

Friday Night's
Alternatives to Drinking.

I had no idea.

And so I literally

gave the kids
alternatives to drinking.

Never got asked back.

I have a bad habit
of drinking a lot

and then--

and then texting myself.

And they're usually just
little ideas or reminders

or stuff that I think
is important at the time.

And then when I wake up
the next morning,

I don't remember sending them,
and they're just nonsense,

and they don't make any sense.

I do it all the time.

So what I decided to do
was compile

some of my actual drunk texts

that I've sent to myself
over an 18-month period

and turn them into a song.

So that's what this is.

And these are all
my actual drunk texts, so...

# Drunk texts to myself

# Messages through time

# I don't remember
any of these #

# What was going
through my mind? #

# Drunk texts to myself

# Subconscious to my phone

# What are these
supposed to mean? #

# Should have left
this thing at home #

"Start a band
called Dwarf Cooter."

# Dwarf Cooter

"Black people are
the second-worst

at being president."

# It felt good,
second place #

"Tell all of your friends
you're moving back to Virginia,

then just move across town."

# Move across town, yeah

"Write a dinosaur
children's Christmas book.

"The last line should be,

'Because it had never snowed
in Dinosaur Land before.'"

"You kicked the door,

but the light thing
was already broken."

# Mm-mm-mm broken

"Secretly learn French."

# Oh, he's so amazing, yeah

"Try to get the rights
to Space Jam."

# Try to get the rights

# Drunk texts to myself

# Messages through time

# I don't remember
any of these #

# What was going
through my mind? #

# Drunk texts to myself

# Subconscious to my phone

# What are these
supposed to mean? #

# Should have left
this thing at home #

"Fat Girls Taking Dumps

would also be
a great band name."

That's a great name, man.

I agree.

"The 7-Eleven on Franklin
doesn't sell beer

because they're Muslim."

# Muslims don't know
how to party #

"See if LOLfarts.com
is taken."

# And dot org
and dot net #

# and dot edu

"Porno for Pyros
is the one

that sings Tahitian Moon."

# Tahitian Moon#

"You need to pay the bus driver
twice next time."

# Just got to get
out of here #

"Rapping dog TV show."

[barking]

"Tonight, by the tire swing,

"there's a fight to the death

as the deer stares
into the field,"

followed by 17
exclamation points.

Heavy exclamation points.

"Learn to Tokyo drift."

[makes engine sound]

"I am just
a conscious vibration

observing my little section
of life.

Sent from my iPhone."

# Messages through time

# I don't remember
any of these #

# What was going
through my mind? #

# Drunk texts to myself

# Subconscious to my phone

# What are these
supposed to mean? #

# Should have left
this thing at home #

[cheers and applause]

Yeah.

How about a hand
for Reggie Watts?

[cheers and applause]

In space.

Yeah.

Well, we're coming up
on the end of the show.

Thank you guys
for coming out.

You have been
a fantastic crowd.

This has been so much fun.

[cheers and applause]

It's been a lot of fun.

And, you know,
we've covered a whole bunch

of different topics tonight,

a lot of issues,
from religion to politics,

things that just really
divide our nation.

So I thought,
here at the end,

it would be nice to kind of
focus on the things

that we all have in common

and what can bring us together
as Americans.

[cheers and applause]

[uplifting music]

#

# Well, it's no secret

# our country's
in some trouble here #

# the left is mad,
the right's enraged #

# and the middle's
disappeared #

# The fat cats expect us

# to bail out them
and all their friends #

# And when they've spent
our money #

# they stick out
their hands again #

[woman]
# It's times like this
that each of us #

# needs to reach
across the aisle #

[man]
# Instead of hurling insults

# we can try to share a smile

# Put aside
our differences #

# and remember
what made us great #

[all]
# All the people
arm in arm #

# and in one voice we'll say

# It's time for guillotines

# It's time
to raise the boards #

# It's time
to sharpen blades #

# We just can't
take this anymore #

# It's nothing personal

# We gave your way a try

# We're sorry,
but you at the top #

# all have to die

# I'm sorry, Mr. President

# We need to have your head

# And senators
and congressmen #

# we need all of you dead

# And all the CEOs
of all the banks #

# and TV pundits too

# Let's show our thanks

# Oh

# It really pains us

# We'll have to kill your wives
and children too #

# It's purely business

# We just can't have them
avenging you #

# We'll storm the Hamptons
and Beverly Hills #

# and to Georgetown we'll go

# And we'll burn Connecticut
to the ground #

# so that nothing ever grows

# It's time for guillotines

# It's time
to raise the boards #

# It's time to sharpen blades

# We just can't
take this anymore #

# Those peaceful protests

# just were not cutting it

# Martin Luther King
and Gandhi both #

# can go suck a dick

[uplifting music]

#

# We can come together

# We can do this if we try

# Find our common enemy
and unite both our sides #

# A lesbian
and a Nascar fan #

# helping hold
the lobbyist down #

# While a priest
and an abortion doctor #

# curb-stomp him
into the ground #

# We'll take the
Secretary of the Treasury #

# and the chairman of the Fed

# and let all
300 million citizens #

# gang-rape them
till their dead #

# And when every
man, woman, and child #

# has finished running train

# We'll rest
for a couple hundred years #

# before we have
to do it again #

# It's time for guillotines

# It's time
to raise the boards #

# It's time to sharpen blades

# We just can't
take this anymore #

# It's nothing personal

# We gave your way a try

# We're sorry,
but you at the top #

# all have to die

# We're sorry,
but you at the top #

# all have to

# die

[cannons blast]

[cheers and applause]

Thank you so much,
everybody!

You've been great!

[cheers and applause]

Oh, my god.

Thanks to everybody.

This has been so much fun.

How about it for the band
and the background singers?

Thank you so much.

Thank you for coming out.

And one more thing.

Magic is real!

[all gasp]

# It's time for guillotines

# It's time
to raise the boards #

# It's time to sharpen blades

# We just can't
take this anymore #

# It's nothing personal

# We gave your way a try

# We're sorry,
but you at the top #

# all have to die

Hmm.

Hmm.

Shall we gas up the drone
with the heart attack darts?

- Excellent.
- Yeah.

- What's that?
That's--

That's CTRL+apple+C.

- There we go.
- Yep.

Oh, well.

Hmm.