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00:00:03,086 --> 00:00:05,922
♪ The Simpsons ♪
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00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:05,482
D'
3
00:01:05,565 --> 00:01:07,734
Aah!
4
00:01:38,056 --> 00:01:39,390
♪ The Monster Mash ♪
5
00:01:39,474 --> 00:01:41,559
♪ And do my
graveyard smash ♪
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00:01:41,643 --> 00:01:44,145
Doing the "Monster Mash" with you
7
00:01:44,229 --> 00:01:46,231
on this beautiful
Valentine's Day.
8
00:01:46,314 --> 00:01:48,024
Marty, why did
you play that song today?
9
00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:50,068
There must be thousands
of love songs.
10
00:01:50,151 --> 00:01:52,779
Well, it's-it's kind of a love song.
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00:01:52,862 --> 00:01:55,156
All the monsters enjoying
each other's company,
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00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:56,282
you know, dancing.
13
00:01:56,366 --> 00:01:57,909
Holding their evil in check.
14
00:01:57,992 --> 00:02:00,203
You played
the wrong record, didn't you?
15
00:02:00,286 --> 00:02:02,247
Why are you doing this to me?
16
00:02:04,874 --> 00:02:08,086
Bah! This is just another
Hallmark holiday
17
00:02:08,169 --> 00:02:10,463
cooked up to sell cards.
18
00:02:10,547 --> 00:02:14,467
A Valentine
from my granddaughter.
19
00:02:14,551 --> 00:02:16,803
Could I have the envelope?
20
00:02:16,886 --> 00:02:20,890
"To Moe,
from your secret admirer."
21
00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:22,684
Yoo-hoo!
22
00:02:22,767 --> 00:02:24,102
God, no.
23
00:02:25,812 --> 00:02:28,565
And this is for my huggy bug
24
00:02:28,648 --> 00:02:30,692
in honor of this special day.
25
00:02:30,775 --> 00:02:32,026
Special day?
26
00:02:32,110 --> 00:02:33,528
What have I forgotten now?
27
00:02:33,611 --> 00:02:35,780
Now don't panic.
Is it bacon day?
28
00:02:35,864 --> 00:02:37,657
No, that's crazy talk.
29
00:02:37,740 --> 00:02:39,242
She's getting impatient.
30
00:02:39,325 --> 00:02:40,577
Take a stab at it.
31
00:02:40,660 --> 00:02:43,413
Happy Valentine's Day.
32
00:02:43,496 --> 00:02:45,081
Thank you, dear.
33
00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:46,791
Woo-hoo!
34
00:02:46,875 --> 00:02:49,252
I'll bet you have a lot of
things planned, Dad?
35
00:02:49,335 --> 00:02:51,212
Kind of.
36
00:02:51,296 --> 00:02:55,216
Nobody makes a big deal
out of Valentine's Day.
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00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:57,719
♪ If you think I'm cuddly ♪
38
00:02:57,802 --> 00:03:00,180
♪ And you want my company ♪
39
00:03:00,263 --> 00:03:02,432
♪ Come on, wifey,
let me know ♪
40
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:08,813
Hey, Dad, why don't you
give Mom her present?
41
00:03:08,897 --> 00:03:11,566
What a nice idea, son.
42
00:03:11,649 --> 00:03:13,902
It's...
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00:03:13,985 --> 00:03:16,654
upstairs on the second
floor of our house.
44
00:03:16,738 --> 00:03:19,032
I'll just go get it.
45
00:03:29,250 --> 00:03:30,668
Apu, you got to help me.
46
00:03:30,752 --> 00:03:32,545
I need a Valentine's gift
for my wife.
47
00:03:32,629 --> 00:03:35,006
Perhaps this might
be appropriate.
48
00:03:35,089 --> 00:03:38,009
Yes! You saved my life.
How much?
49
00:03:38,092 --> 00:03:39,135
$100.
50
00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:40,637
What?
That's highway robbery.
51
00:03:40,720 --> 00:03:41,763
I won't pay it.
52
00:03:41,846 --> 00:03:43,348
I think you will.
53
00:03:43,431 --> 00:03:45,350
Forget it, pal.
54
00:03:51,314 --> 00:03:53,608
All right! But I'll
never shop here again.
55
00:03:53,691 --> 00:03:56,486
If he discovers
the discount supermarket next door,
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00:03:56,569 --> 00:03:57,987
all is lost.
57
00:03:58,071 --> 00:04:00,990
- Nickel off on expired baby food.
- Sold!
58
00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:03,910
Miss Hoover, can we
exchange our valentines?
59
00:04:03,993 --> 00:04:05,495
Not just yet, Janey.
60
00:04:05,578 --> 00:04:07,914
First, we're going to
construct paper mailboxes
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00:04:07,997 --> 00:04:09,582
to store the valentines.
62
00:04:09,666 --> 00:04:11,542
Isn't that pointless busywork?
63
00:04:11,626 --> 00:04:13,294
Bull's-eye! Get cracking.
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00:04:13,378 --> 00:04:15,255
Yes, Ralph?
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00:04:15,338 --> 00:04:17,298
My parents won't let me
use scissors.
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00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:21,094
The children are right
to laugh at you, Ralph.
67
00:04:21,177 --> 00:04:23,179
These things
couldn't cut butter.
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00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:25,598
Now take out your red crayons.
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00:04:25,682 --> 00:04:26,808
Miss Hoover?
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00:04:26,891 --> 00:04:27,976
Yes, Ralph?
71
00:04:28,059 --> 00:04:30,311
I don't have a red crayon.
72
00:04:30,395 --> 00:04:32,981
- Why not?
- I ate it.
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00:04:34,774 --> 00:04:37,318
Attention, everyone.
This is Principal Skinner.
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00:04:37,402 --> 00:04:39,779
Some student,
possibly Bart Simpson,
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00:04:39,862 --> 00:04:41,364
has been circulating
candy hearts
76
00:04:41,447 --> 00:04:43,574
featuring crude,
off-color sentiments.
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00:04:43,658 --> 00:04:44,718
Well, let me tell you something.
78
00:04:44,742 --> 00:04:47,495
Valentine's Day is no joke.
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00:04:56,212 --> 00:04:58,214
Sending your chick a valentine?
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00:04:58,298 --> 00:04:59,841
Yep.
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00:05:02,885 --> 00:05:04,804
Johnny.
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00:05:04,887 --> 00:05:06,097
Johnny!
83
00:05:06,180 --> 00:05:08,433
Johnny!!
84
00:05:08,516 --> 00:05:11,436
Cool.
I broke his brain.
85
00:05:11,519 --> 00:05:12,687
All right, children.
86
00:05:12,770 --> 00:05:15,106
You may now exchange valentines.
87
00:05:15,189 --> 00:05:18,109
Miss Hoover, I glued
my head to my shoulder.
88
00:05:35,293 --> 00:05:36,878
Poor Ralph.
89
00:05:38,463 --> 00:05:39,756
Here you go, Ralph.
90
00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:45,136
You choo-choo-choose me?
91
00:05:45,219 --> 00:05:47,013
Happy Valentine's.
92
00:05:53,436 --> 00:05:55,229
All right, special holiday meal.
93
00:05:58,191 --> 00:05:59,650
Where do you want
these beef hearts?
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00:05:59,734 --> 00:06:01,277
On the floor.
95
00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:02,528
It doesn't look very clean.
96
00:06:02,612 --> 00:06:04,405
Just do your job, heart-boy.
97
00:06:17,710 --> 00:06:19,295
Bart, what's wrong?
98
00:06:19,379 --> 00:06:20,963
My baboon heart.
99
00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:22,465
Body...
100
00:06:22,548 --> 00:06:23,883
rejecting it.
101
00:06:33,434 --> 00:06:37,355
Can I walk you home...
valentine?
102
00:06:37,438 --> 00:06:38,940
Sure, I guess.
103
00:06:39,023 --> 00:06:42,151
That valentine sure was funny.
104
00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:44,070
Glad you liked it.
105
00:06:44,153 --> 00:06:48,074
It says,
"Choo-choo-choose me."
106
00:06:48,157 --> 00:06:50,952
And there's a picture
of a train.
107
00:06:51,035 --> 00:06:52,954
Yeah, nice gag.
108
00:06:53,037 --> 00:06:57,083
So...
109
00:06:57,166 --> 00:07:00,586
do you like... stuff?
110
00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:05,758
The doctor said I wouldn't
have so many nosebleeds
111
00:07:05,842 --> 00:07:08,302
if I kept my finger
out of there.
112
00:07:08,386 --> 00:07:10,930
Well, here's my house.
113
00:07:13,433 --> 00:07:16,894
♪ ...and fight,
The Itchy & Scratchy show ♪
114
00:07:46,299 --> 00:07:50,303
Hey, kids, don't forget to
watch my 29th anniversary show
115
00:07:50,386 --> 00:07:53,723
featuring clips like
this one of Sideshow Mel
116
00:07:53,806 --> 00:07:55,600
whacked out on wowee sauce.
117
00:07:55,683 --> 00:07:59,270
Everyone's always kissing your ass.
118
00:07:59,353 --> 00:08:02,607
Well, I'm not afraid
to tell you,
119
00:08:02,690 --> 00:08:03,983
you're a.
120
00:08:04,066 --> 00:08:07,153
I'd give anything
to go to that show.
121
00:08:07,236 --> 00:08:09,280
I'd sell my first-born son.
122
00:08:09,363 --> 00:08:11,574
- Hey!
- You'll do as you're told.
123
00:08:11,657 --> 00:08:13,284
Ralph thinks I like him,
124
00:08:13,367 --> 00:08:14,702
but I only gave him a valentine
125
00:08:14,785 --> 00:08:16,787
'cause I felt sorry for him.
126
00:08:16,871 --> 00:08:18,206
Sweet pity.
127
00:08:18,289 --> 00:08:20,291
Where would my love life
have been without it?
128
00:08:20,374 --> 00:08:21,667
What do you say to a boy
129
00:08:21,751 --> 00:08:23,187
to let him know
you're not interested?
130
00:08:23,211 --> 00:08:24,670
Well, honey...
131
00:08:24,754 --> 00:08:27,048
Let me handle this, Marge.
I've heard 'em all.
132
00:08:27,131 --> 00:08:28,758
"I like you as a friend."
133
00:08:28,841 --> 00:08:30,551
"I think we should
see other people.
134
00:08:30,635 --> 00:08:32,011
"I no speak English."
135
00:08:32,094 --> 00:08:33,095
I get the idea.
136
00:08:33,179 --> 00:08:34,305
"I'm married to the sea."
137
00:08:34,388 --> 00:08:36,349
"I don't want to kill you,
but I will."
138
00:08:36,432 --> 00:08:39,602
Honey! Honey, I'd tell this boy
that you're very flattered,
139
00:08:39,685 --> 00:08:42,438
but you're not ready
for this kind of thing.
140
00:08:42,522 --> 00:08:43,523
Thanks, Mom.
141
00:08:43,606 --> 00:08:45,107
And if that doesn't work,
142
00:08:45,191 --> 00:08:46,191
six simple words:
143
00:08:46,234 --> 00:08:48,778
"I'm not gay,
but I'll learn."
144
00:08:48,861 --> 00:08:52,073
Ralph, I think you're nice,
but I'm just not ready
145
00:08:52,156 --> 00:08:53,157
for this kind of thing.
146
00:08:53,241 --> 00:08:54,534
Do you understand?
147
00:08:54,617 --> 00:08:55,826
I guess so.
148
00:08:55,910 --> 00:08:57,411
Good.
149
00:09:00,915 --> 00:09:03,668
Dad, how do you get
a girl to like you?
150
00:09:03,751 --> 00:09:07,046
Son, whether you want to win
a girl or crack a nut,
151
00:09:07,129 --> 00:09:08,839
the key is persistence.
152
00:09:08,923 --> 00:09:11,801
Keep at it,
and never lose your cool.
153
00:09:14,387 --> 00:09:16,347
Come on, you stupid...
154
00:09:18,015 --> 00:09:20,726
Let that be a lesson
to the rest of you... nuts.
155
00:09:20,810 --> 00:09:23,271
Okay, Dad.
I'll be persistent.
156
00:09:23,354 --> 00:09:24,230
Is that how you got Mom?
157
00:09:24,313 --> 00:09:26,440
Well, son,
158
00:09:26,524 --> 00:09:30,027
never underestimate the appeal
of a man in uniform.
159
00:09:30,111 --> 00:09:31,904
Yeah!
160
00:09:34,365 --> 00:09:36,242
Yeah.
161
00:09:41,581 --> 00:09:44,000
Hey, boys and girls,
only four days
162
00:09:44,083 --> 00:09:45,543
till my anniversary show.
163
00:09:45,626 --> 00:09:48,087
29 years, and when I came on,
164
00:09:48,170 --> 00:09:49,547
they said
I wouldn't last a week.
165
00:09:49,630 --> 00:09:51,424
And you know where
those reviewers are?
166
00:09:51,507 --> 00:09:53,259
All dead.
167
00:09:53,342 --> 00:09:56,554
How you doing down there,
fellas?
168
00:09:56,637 --> 00:09:58,139
Anyway, here's a clip.
169
00:09:58,222 --> 00:10:03,311
Now why do they call this
a urine monkey?
170
00:10:03,394 --> 00:10:06,022
I just found out.
171
00:10:06,105 --> 00:10:08,941
That's funny
for so many reasons.
172
00:10:09,025 --> 00:10:10,359
We have to go to that show.
173
00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:12,445
Forget it.
To get those tickets,
174
00:10:12,528 --> 00:10:13,672
our parents would
have to be part
175
00:10:13,696 --> 00:10:15,489
of Springfield's cultural elite.
176
00:10:15,573 --> 00:10:17,199
Can you believe Flanders
177
00:10:17,283 --> 00:10:19,535
threw out a perfectly
good toothbrush?
178
00:10:21,871 --> 00:10:23,331
Ew.
179
00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:28,210
No, it's Ralph.
180
00:10:28,294 --> 00:10:30,630
Just make up some excuse.
181
00:10:30,713 --> 00:10:32,632
She's in the can.
Go away.
182
00:10:32,715 --> 00:10:33,715
Yes, sir.
183
00:10:33,758 --> 00:10:35,301
I'd do anything for Lisa.
184
00:10:35,384 --> 00:10:37,887
Really?
185
00:10:40,139 --> 00:10:44,393
Mr. Simpson, the tar fumes
are making me dizzy.
186
00:10:44,477 --> 00:10:46,896
Yeah, they'll do that.
187
00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:51,359
"Dearest Martha, since boyhood
188
00:10:51,442 --> 00:10:53,486
"I have yearned to be
on the one-dollar bill,
189
00:10:53,569 --> 00:10:57,114
"and with your help,
this, I shall achieve.
190
00:10:57,198 --> 00:10:59,116
Sincerely, George Washington."
191
00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:02,286
Thank you, Rex.
192
00:11:03,913 --> 00:11:06,749
I've selected the cast
for our Presidents' Day pageant.
193
00:11:06,832 --> 00:11:08,959
Martha Washington
will be played by...
194
00:11:09,043 --> 00:11:10,920
Lisa Simpson.
195
00:11:11,003 --> 00:11:13,339
George Washington
will be played by...
196
00:11:14,632 --> 00:11:16,008
Ralph Wiggum.
197
00:11:17,134 --> 00:11:19,387
What? This is a travesty.
198
00:11:19,470 --> 00:11:21,430
Everyone knows
I'm the best actor
199
00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:22,765
in this ridiculous school.
200
00:11:22,848 --> 00:11:25,101
- Sit down, Rex.
- I will not sit down.
201
00:11:25,184 --> 00:11:27,269
Someone's gotten to you,
you deceitful cow.
202
00:11:27,353 --> 00:11:28,729
That's absurd, Rex.
203
00:11:28,813 --> 00:11:31,524
Ralph won the part
fair and square.
204
00:11:31,607 --> 00:11:33,109
That's the signal.
205
00:11:33,192 --> 00:11:35,486
Take the boot off the car, boys.
206
00:11:37,655 --> 00:11:39,740
Now Ralph is
in the play with me.
207
00:11:39,824 --> 00:11:41,534
I just know he's going
to embarrass me
208
00:11:41,617 --> 00:11:43,577
in front of the whole school.
209
00:11:47,665 --> 00:11:50,918
No, it's a package from Ralph.
210
00:11:52,795 --> 00:11:56,424
A Malibu Stacy convertible.
211
00:11:56,507 --> 00:11:58,217
"Look in the tunk."
212
00:11:58,300 --> 00:11:59,677
He must mean "trunk."
213
00:12:02,221 --> 00:12:04,974
Tickets to
the Krusty anniversary show!
214
00:12:05,057 --> 00:12:08,144
He must want me to go with him.
215
00:12:08,227 --> 00:12:09,854
It isn't fair.
216
00:12:09,937 --> 00:12:12,273
I'm ten times
the Krusty fan you are.
217
00:12:12,356 --> 00:12:15,651
I even have the Krusty
home pregnancy test.
218
00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:18,612
I'm not sure I should go.
I don't even like him.
219
00:12:18,696 --> 00:12:20,096
You're right, Lis.
You shouldn't go.
220
00:12:20,156 --> 00:12:21,282
It wouldn't be honest.
221
00:12:21,365 --> 00:12:23,325
I'll go, disguised as you.
222
00:12:23,409 --> 00:12:25,244
What if he wants to hold hands?
223
00:12:25,327 --> 00:12:26,954
I'm prepared to make
that sacrifice.
224
00:12:27,037 --> 00:12:28,497
What if he wants a kiss?
225
00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:29,599
I'm prepared to make
that sacrifice.
226
00:12:29,623 --> 00:12:30,666
What if he...
227
00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:32,334
You don't want to know
how far I'll go.
228
00:12:32,418 --> 00:12:34,962
Dad, is it right
229
00:12:35,045 --> 00:12:36,714
to take things from people
you don't like?
230
00:12:36,797 --> 00:12:38,924
Sure it is, honey.
231
00:12:39,008 --> 00:12:41,093
You do mean stealing, don't you?
232
00:12:41,177 --> 00:12:43,512
Well, actually,
it's not as bad as stealing,
233
00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:45,347
but my conscience
is bothering me.
234
00:12:45,431 --> 00:12:46,849
Your conscience?
235
00:12:46,932 --> 00:12:49,518
Lisa, don't let
that pushy, little weenie
236
00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:50,936
tell you what to do.
237
00:12:51,020 --> 00:12:53,230
Homer, that's
a terrible thing to say.
238
00:12:53,314 --> 00:12:54,440
Shut up.
239
00:12:54,523 --> 00:12:56,233
Yes, sir.
240
00:12:58,027 --> 00:13:01,739
I am so glad you
cho-cho-choose to come.
241
00:13:01,822 --> 00:13:04,700
Heh. I think you should
give that a rest, Ralph.
242
00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:06,994
Chief Wiggum, how did you
ever get these tickets?
243
00:13:07,077 --> 00:13:08,788
Krusty knows how to play ball.
244
00:13:12,958 --> 00:13:16,212
Nothing beats
a good porno movie.
245
00:13:16,295 --> 00:13:18,756
Chief Wiggum, is this a bust?
246
00:13:18,839 --> 00:13:20,049
Yeah.
247
00:13:20,132 --> 00:13:22,510
That's just what it is, a bust.
248
00:13:22,593 --> 00:13:24,553
That story isn't suitable
for children.
249
00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:27,473
Really? I keep my pants on
in this version.
250
00:13:27,556 --> 00:13:29,475
Ew.
251
00:13:29,558 --> 00:13:30,684
It's the Krusty the Clown
252
00:13:30,768 --> 00:13:32,436
29th Anniversary Show!
253
00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:33,771
Hey!
254
00:13:36,774 --> 00:13:38,150
Thank you. Thank you.
255
00:13:38,234 --> 00:13:40,277
Hey, Mr. President.
256
00:13:40,361 --> 00:13:41,601
I campaigned for the other guy,
257
00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:43,280
but I voted for you.
258
00:13:45,324 --> 00:13:48,244
You know, I started this
show so long ago,
259
00:13:48,327 --> 00:13:52,122
the ayatollah only
had a goatee. Ha ha!
260
00:13:55,584 --> 00:13:56,585
What's the matter,
261
00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:58,587
don't you people
read the papers?
262
00:13:58,671 --> 00:14:00,923
Let's look at some clips.
263
00:14:02,174 --> 00:14:04,927
"He will not see me
stopping here
264
00:14:05,010 --> 00:14:07,596
to watch his woods
fill up with snow..."
265
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:11,559
Hey, Frosty, you want some
snow, man? Bwah!
266
00:14:13,435 --> 00:14:15,563
We discussed this,
and I said no.
267
00:14:17,982 --> 00:14:20,234
Now, here's a clip from 1973.
268
00:14:20,317 --> 00:14:23,779
♪ Try to run, try to hide ♪
269
00:14:23,863 --> 00:14:26,532
♪ Break on through
to the other side ♪
270
00:14:26,615 --> 00:14:29,910
♪ Yeah ♪
271
00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:32,371
What was I on?
272
00:14:32,454 --> 00:14:35,624
Lisa, do you want
a bite of my ice cream?
273
00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:36,625
No, thanks.
274
00:14:36,709 --> 00:14:38,168
Send it this way, boy.
275
00:14:38,252 --> 00:14:40,254
- Whoops.
- Aw.
276
00:14:40,337 --> 00:14:44,216
Aw... nothing gets
chocolate out. See?
277
00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:47,553
I've worked with some marvelous
second bananas over the years,
278
00:14:47,636 --> 00:14:51,056
but none more memorable
than Sideshow Raheem.
279
00:14:51,140 --> 00:14:55,185
The script says
I'm supposed to bonk you with this.
280
00:14:55,269 --> 00:14:56,770
I wouldn't.
281
00:14:56,854 --> 00:14:58,272
Right on.
282
00:15:03,694 --> 00:15:06,113
Angry, angry young man.
283
00:15:06,196 --> 00:15:08,782
Now for my favorite
part of the show.
284
00:15:08,866 --> 00:15:10,910
What's that say?
285
00:15:10,993 --> 00:15:12,786
"Talk to the audience?"
286
00:15:12,870 --> 00:15:15,164
God, this is always death.
287
00:15:15,247 --> 00:15:16,457
All right.
288
00:15:16,540 --> 00:15:18,918
No, please don't
show me with Ralph.
289
00:15:19,001 --> 00:15:20,794
What's your name, son?
290
00:15:20,878 --> 00:15:23,088
Ralph.
291
00:15:23,172 --> 00:15:25,299
And is this
your girlfriend, Ralph?
292
00:15:25,382 --> 00:15:27,927
Yes, I love Lisa Simpson.
293
00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:30,054
And when I grow up,
I'm going to marry her.
294
00:15:30,137 --> 00:15:32,640
No!
295
00:15:32,723 --> 00:15:33,891
Now you listen to me.
296
00:15:33,974 --> 00:15:36,477
I don't like you.
I never liked you.
297
00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:38,580
And the only reason I gave
you that stupid valentine
298
00:15:38,604 --> 00:15:40,606
was because nobody else would!
299
00:15:40,689 --> 00:15:42,858
Watch this, Lis.
You can actually
300
00:15:42,942 --> 00:15:45,194
pinpoint the second when
his heart rips in half.
301
00:15:45,277 --> 00:15:48,322
And... now.
302
00:16:01,210 --> 00:16:02,836
At least you guys
are my friends.
303
00:16:07,633 --> 00:16:09,468
Son, I know just how you feel.
304
00:16:09,551 --> 00:16:12,346
You've got a great little girl,
and the world's your oyster.
305
00:16:12,429 --> 00:16:14,807
No, Dad, she made
a fool out of me.
306
00:16:14,890 --> 00:16:18,185
Hey, come to think of it,
she did.
307
00:16:18,268 --> 00:16:20,521
Well, she didn't reckon
308
00:16:20,604 --> 00:16:23,482
with the awesome power
of the chief of police.
309
00:16:23,565 --> 00:16:26,485
Now, where did I put my badge?
310
00:16:26,568 --> 00:16:28,946
Hey!
That duck's got it.
311
00:16:29,029 --> 00:16:30,614
Come on, come on, give it back.
312
00:16:30,698 --> 00:16:32,491
I need it.
313
00:16:32,574 --> 00:16:33,993
Keep it.
314
00:16:38,163 --> 00:16:40,499
Something wrong, officer?
315
00:16:40,582 --> 00:16:42,543
Yeah, got a taillight out.
316
00:16:42,626 --> 00:16:44,211
Where?
317
00:16:44,294 --> 00:16:45,671
Right there.
318
00:16:45,754 --> 00:16:48,632
You know, one day honest
citizens are going to stand up
319
00:16:48,716 --> 00:16:50,384
to you crooked cops.
320
00:16:50,467 --> 00:16:51,969
They are? No.
321
00:16:52,052 --> 00:16:53,762
Have they set a date?
322
00:17:00,227 --> 00:17:02,021
This orange drink
is the only way
323
00:17:02,104 --> 00:17:05,065
to recoup our terrible losses
from "Fire Drill Follies."
324
00:17:05,149 --> 00:17:06,900
I just don't know
what went wrong.
325
00:17:06,984 --> 00:17:08,736
You opened the show
with a fire drill,
326
00:17:08,819 --> 00:17:10,988
and everyone cleared out.
327
00:17:11,071 --> 00:17:13,032
So mother was right.
328
00:17:13,115 --> 00:17:15,200
It was my fault.
329
00:17:15,284 --> 00:17:17,661
Go ahead,
water it down some more.
330
00:17:17,745 --> 00:17:21,707
My God, man, I've watered her
down as far as she'll go.
331
00:17:21,790 --> 00:17:24,710
I cannot water no more.
332
00:17:24,793 --> 00:17:26,295
Good evening,
everyone, and welcome
333
00:17:26,378 --> 00:17:28,130
to a wonderful evening
of theater
334
00:17:28,213 --> 00:17:32,259
and picking up after yourselves.
335
00:17:32,342 --> 00:17:36,013
We begin with a tribute to
our lesser-known presidents.
336
00:17:39,266 --> 00:17:43,187
♪ We are the
mediocre presidents ♪
337
00:17:43,270 --> 00:17:46,607
♪ You won't find our faces
on dollars or on cents ♪
338
00:17:46,690 --> 00:17:48,317
♪ There's Taylor,
there's Tyler ♪
339
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:49,985
♪ There's Fillmore
and there's Hayes ♪
340
00:17:50,069 --> 00:17:51,695
♪ There's William
Henry Harrison ♪
341
00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:53,363
♪ I died in 30 days ♪
342
00:17:53,447 --> 00:17:58,410
♪ We are the adequate,
forgettable ♪
343
00:17:58,494 --> 00:18:01,538
♪ Occasionally regrettable ♪
344
00:18:01,622 --> 00:18:03,582
♪ Caretaker presidents ♪
345
00:18:03,665 --> 00:18:09,004
♪ Of the U.S.A. ♪
346
00:18:15,552 --> 00:18:17,930
Hey girls,
check out this president.
347
00:18:18,013 --> 00:18:20,182
I am not a butt.
348
00:18:22,267 --> 00:18:24,228
Bart, do you want to
play John Wilkes Booth,
349
00:18:24,311 --> 00:18:25,711
or do you want to
act like a maniac?
350
00:18:25,771 --> 00:18:26,771
I'll be good.
351
00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:32,820
Ralph, I'm sorry I...
352
00:18:32,903 --> 00:18:33,987
Leave me alone.
353
00:18:34,071 --> 00:18:36,156
I'm here to play
George Washington.
354
00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:38,075
Ralph?
355
00:18:39,827 --> 00:18:43,664
Miss Hoover, this beard's
giving me a rash.
356
00:18:43,747 --> 00:18:46,166
Milhouse, you have one line
and then you're shot.
357
00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:47,334
Now get out there.
358
00:18:48,752 --> 00:18:52,005
I thought that Civil War
would never end.
359
00:18:52,089 --> 00:18:53,966
Now to soothe my head
360
00:18:54,049 --> 00:18:56,802
with an evening
at Ford's Theater.
361
00:18:56,885 --> 00:18:59,638
No, John Wilkes Booth!
362
00:18:59,721 --> 00:19:01,932
Hasta la vista, Abie.
363
00:19:05,561 --> 00:19:07,521
Come on boy, finish him off.
364
00:19:09,022 --> 00:19:11,525
You're next,
Chester A. Arthur.
365
00:19:13,610 --> 00:19:15,362
Unhand me, yankee.
366
00:19:15,445 --> 00:19:17,698
And now our evening
comes to an end.
367
00:19:17,781 --> 00:19:18,699
Woo-hoo!
368
00:19:18,782 --> 00:19:20,325
With a thorough re-telling
369
00:19:20,409 --> 00:19:22,244
of the life
of George Washington.
370
00:19:22,327 --> 00:19:23,579
D'
371
00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:29,459
Dear, dear George Washington.
372
00:19:29,543 --> 00:19:33,005
Can this liberty you dream of
be worth all this bloodshed?
373
00:19:35,299 --> 00:19:36,675
Well, can it?
374
00:19:40,971 --> 00:19:43,974
Dear madam,
would you put a price
375
00:19:44,057 --> 00:19:45,642
on the air we breathe,
376
00:19:45,726 --> 00:19:47,978
or the providence
that sustains us?
377
00:19:48,061 --> 00:19:50,647
But couldn't we just
give in to the British?
378
00:19:50,731 --> 00:19:52,274
Never!
379
00:19:54,151 --> 00:19:57,321
That boy is magnificent.
380
00:19:57,404 --> 00:20:00,574
He makes me want to learn more
about our founding fathers.
381
00:20:00,657 --> 00:20:02,242
To the library.
382
00:20:02,326 --> 00:20:03,869
Yeah!
383
00:20:03,952 --> 00:20:07,581
Dear Martha, I fear
my time is at hand.
384
00:20:07,664 --> 00:20:10,626
George.
385
00:20:10,709 --> 00:20:12,878
Your broth,
Mr. President.
386
00:20:12,961 --> 00:20:15,339
I asked for no broth.
387
00:20:15,422 --> 00:20:18,759
Away with you, lest my cane
find your backside.
388
00:20:18,842 --> 00:20:19,927
Yes.
389
00:20:23,096 --> 00:20:25,349
Please don't leave me, George.
390
00:20:25,432 --> 00:20:28,685
Dear wife, if I could take
but one treasure
391
00:20:28,769 --> 00:20:31,188
with me to the next life,
392
00:20:31,271 --> 00:20:33,774
it would be your tender kiss.
393
00:20:37,736 --> 00:20:39,863
Now that's a man.
394
00:20:46,745 --> 00:20:49,498
I did not cry when me own father
395
00:20:49,581 --> 00:20:51,708
was hung for stealing a pig,
396
00:20:51,792 --> 00:20:55,545
but I'll cry now.
397
00:21:00,717 --> 00:21:03,303
♪ From sea to ♪
398
00:21:03,387 --> 00:21:07,808
♪ Shining sea ♪
399
00:21:07,891 --> 00:21:09,059
Thanks for coming.
400
00:21:09,142 --> 00:21:11,228
And don't forget to
purchase some orange drink
401
00:21:11,311 --> 00:21:14,773
for the long ride home.
402
00:21:14,856 --> 00:21:17,484
Ralph! Ralph!
You were so good!
403
00:21:17,567 --> 00:21:19,486
Ralph!
404
00:21:19,569 --> 00:21:20,862
Lisa.
405
00:21:20,946 --> 00:21:22,197
Hi, Ralph.
406
00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:23,949
You were great tonight.
407
00:21:24,032 --> 00:21:25,284
Aw, thanks.
408
00:21:25,367 --> 00:21:27,369
I've got something for you.
409
00:21:27,452 --> 00:21:30,289
"Let's bee friends!"
410
00:21:30,372 --> 00:21:31,498
It says "Bee,"
411
00:21:31,581 --> 00:21:33,667
and there's a picture
of a bee on it.
412
00:21:35,544 --> 00:21:37,254
I thought you'd like it.
413
00:21:38,714 --> 00:21:41,508
Look at that.
414
00:21:41,591 --> 00:21:42,926
Attention, all units.
415
00:21:43,010 --> 00:21:45,345
- Riot in progress at...
- Not tonight.
416
00:21:45,429 --> 00:21:47,389
Hey, hey! Bill and
Marty here wrapping up
417
00:21:47,472 --> 00:21:49,516
a beautiful President's Day.
418
00:21:49,599 --> 00:21:51,810
To George and Abe
and all the rest,
419
00:21:51,893 --> 00:21:54,104
here's a special song
just for you.
420
00:21:54,187 --> 00:21:57,524
♪ I was working in
the lab late one night ♪
421
00:21:57,607 --> 00:21:58,859
Doggone it!
422
00:21:58,942 --> 00:22:00,736
♪ When my eyes beheld
an eerie sight ♪
423
00:22:00,819 --> 00:22:04,406
♪ For my monster from
his slab began to rise ♪
424
00:22:04,489 --> 00:22:07,534
♪ And suddenly
to my surprise ♪
425
00:22:07,617 --> 00:22:09,202
♪ He did the mash ♪
426
00:22:09,286 --> 00:22:10,996
♪ He did the Monster Mash ♪
427
00:22:11,079 --> 00:22:12,331
♪ The Monster Mash ♪
428
00:22:12,414 --> 00:22:14,333
♪ It was a graveyard smash ♪
429
00:22:14,416 --> 00:22:16,001
♪ He did the mash ♪
430
00:22:16,084 --> 00:22:18,003
♪ It caught on in a flash ♪
431
00:22:18,086 --> 00:22:19,504
♪ He did the mash ♪
432
00:22:19,588 --> 00:22:22,007
♪ He did the Monster Mash ♪
433
00:22:22,090 --> 00:22:24,551
♪ From my laboratory
in the castle east ♪
434
00:22:24,634 --> 00:22:28,221
♪ To the master bedroom
where the vampires feast ♪
435
00:22:28,305 --> 00:22:32,225
♪ The ghouls all came
from their humble abodes ♪
436
00:22:32,309 --> 00:22:34,519
♪ To catch a jolt
from my electrodes ♪
437
00:22:34,603 --> 00:22:36,355
♪ They did the mash ♪
438
00:22:36,438 --> 00:22:38,357
♪ They did the Monster Mash ♪
439
00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:39,983
♪ The Monster Mash ♪
440
00:22:40,067 --> 00:22:41,568
♪ It was a graveyard smash ♪
441
00:22:41,651 --> 00:22:43,028
♪ They did the mash ♪
442
00:22:43,111 --> 00:22:44,821
♪ It caught on in a flash ♪
443
00:22:44,905 --> 00:22:46,531
♪ They did the mash ♪
444
00:22:46,615 --> 00:22:48,784
♪ They did the Monster Mash ♪
445
00:22:48,867 --> 00:22:52,245
♪ The zombies
were having fun ♪
446
00:22:52,329 --> 00:22:56,583
♪ The party had just begun ♪
447
00:22:56,666 --> 00:22:58,210
Shh!
448
00:23:01,254 --> 00:23:03,507
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ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.
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