All language subtitles for The.Simpsons.S03E24.Brother.Can.You.Spare.Two.Dimes.1080p.DSNP.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-MZABI_track3_[eng]

♪ The Simpsons ♪

D'

Aah!

Forgot there was
a physical today?

Yeah.

Hey, Homer, can I borrow
your underwear?

Nah.

This can't be right.

This man has 104% body fat.

Hey, no eating in the tank.

Go to hell.

How was your day at work, dear?

The usual...
Stand in front of this.

Open that.
Pull down this.

Bend over.
Spread apart that.

Turn your head that way.
Cough.

Sir, I'm afraid

Homer Simpson is sterile.

- Who?
- One of your cabbageheads from sector 7-G.

Take a look at this sperm sample
from his recent physical.

Eww.

Now, compare this
with a normal sperm sample.

Yes.

I'm afraid radiation
from the plant

is the reason
he's shooting blanks.

He could sue us for millions.

Mother of pearl.
Call my lawyers!

Before you begin,
let me make one thing clear to you.

I want your legal advice.

I even pay for it,

but to me, you're all vipers.

You live on personal injury,
you live on divorces.

You live on pain and misery!

But I'm rambling.

Anybody want any coffee?

I'll have some coffee.

Want it black, don't you?

Black like your heart.

It's so hard for me
to listen to you.

I hate you all so much!

I'm sorry.
It's my problem.

I'll deal with it.
Please continue.

If you offer Mr. Simpson
a token sum... Say a couple thou,

he'll be so dazzled,

he'll sign anything
you shove under his nose.

Brilliant.
A cash settlement.

I could have figured that out,
you button-down maggot!

- Do you have any cream?
- Yes, of course.

Where are my manners?

Yeah, I used to be rich.

I owned Mickey Mouse
massage parlors.

Then those Disney sleazeballs
shut me down.

I said, "Look,
I'll change the logo,

put Mickey's pants back on."

Some guys
you just can't reason with.

Well, I used to own
a successful car company.

My strategy was giving them
Japanese names.

You guys ever drive
a Tempura hatchback?

- Yeah.
- Sure.

Yeah, I got hit by one of those.

Yeah, life was sweet.

Then I found out I had
a long-lost half brother.

- Homer?
- Herb?

I let him design a car that would

make or break my company.

Presenting the Homer.

I'm ruined!

Forbes magazine called it:

Little overblown,
don't you think?

What about New Coke?

Hey! I invented that.

Yeah, but all that's in the past

because this is America,
and in America,

you're never finished as long
as you've got a brain in your head,

because all a man
really needs is an idea.

- Well, I'm licked.
- Me too.

And now, the next event

in our living room olympics,

the always controversial
couch vault.

I do this
for Stainmaster Carpets,

proud sponsor
of the living room olympics.

What the hell are you two...

My couch!

The arms, the seat...

the dream is over.

All right, who did this?

We were just sitting on
the couch quietly chatting

when we heard a creaking noise.

We leapt off just in time
to see it collapse.

There, there,

you're safe now, little sister.

Well, why did this have to happen
now during prime time

when TV's brightest stars
come out to shine?

Good-bye, old girl.

We've had
a lot of great memories.

That's right. I shot J.R.

Except for
huge gaps in the western states,

Hands Across America
was a complete success.

♪ Hands across America... ♪

Well, I never thought I'd see it.

They're dancing
on the Berlin Wall.

These live and lively
lovers of liberation...

Boring.

Sorry I ruined your date, Sergeant Carter.

Pyle!

Well, friend, you're going
back where you came from,

the curb in front
of Flanders's house.

Now, let's see.

I need an idea.

Idea... idea!

What's the matter with me?

I used to have
hundreds of ideas.

What do you want?

I just changed your diaper.

Are you hungry?

Are you cold?

Do you want to go home?

Lady, you just gave me

the idea of a lifetime.

- How do I thank you?
- Please don't hurt me.

Consider it done.

Hey, pal, I heard
about the couch.

Yeah, you gonna be okay?

Yeah. You know, my life
just can't get any worse.

That's right.

There's no way my life
could possibly get any worse.

Simpson,
report to Mr. Burns's office at once.

D'

Is this the one
with the lazy sperm?

Simpson, you big,
virile son of a gun,

how would you like
a check for $2,000?

- Would I!
- All you have to do

is sign this form.

Wait a minute.

I'm not signing anything
until I read it

or somebody gives me
the gist of it.

Ooh. All right.

Well, it just explains
that you've...

won... Yes, that's it...

Won the first annual...

Montgomery Burns...

Award for...

Outstanding Achievement
in the Field of...

Excellence.

Don't I get some kind of trophy?

And a big award ceremony?

♪ It's the First
Annual Montgomery Burns ♪

♪ Award for... ♪

♪ Outstanding Achievement
in... ♪

♪ The Field of... ♪

♪ Excellence ♪

Yes. That was Bonita Dewolf

from the Springfield
Nuclear Plant Soft-Shoe Society.

This award is the biggest
farce I ever saw.

What about the Emmys?

I stand corrected.

And now, to present the award

here's former
heavyweight champion

Smokin' Joe Frazier.

Webster's Dictionary
defines excellence

as "The quality or condition
of being excellent."

And now the winner

of the First Annual
Montgomery Burns Award

for Outstanding Achievement
in the Field of Excellence.

Please, please,
please, please...

Dad, you know you won.

Don't jinx it.

The winner: Homer Simpson.

My God!

Woo-hoo! I win!

Hey!

MWah, mwah, mwah...

Keep those
pickled eggs coming, Moe.

You cleaned me out, Smokin' Joe.

What's the matter, Homer?

Cummerbund too tight?

I miss my couch.

I know how you feel.
You lost the couch.

I lost the heavyweight
championship.

Heavyweight championship.

There's like three of those.

That couch was one of a kind.

Homer, I know things
are tough now,

but one day,
you'll be walking along

and you'll see
a piece of furniture

you can love just as much.

Hey, Frazier, shut up!

Barney, you been riding
my back all night.

Yeah?
Care to step outside?

Let's do it.

I think I'm going
to take a walk.

All right!
A peanut.

I'm telling you,
all a man needs is an idea,

and I've got an idea.

Then how come
you're still a bum?

All right.
A man needs two things:

An idea and money
to get it off the ground.

Hello, what's this?

Any of you guys know

which freight
goes to Springfield?

No.

No.

That's the one!

I feel so empty,
so alone, so couchless.

Wow! The Spinemelter 2000.

Give me full power.

- But, sir...
- Damn it!

I said full power.

Dad? Dad?

I'll take it.

This chair is $2,000.

We can buy a whole
living room set for that.

Marge, there's an empty spot
I've always had inside me.

I tried to fill it
with family, religion

community service,
but those were dead ends.

I think this chair
is the answer.

This money was a blessing.

We can't just spend it on
some creature comfort.

All right,
we won't get the chair.

Now excuse me
while I kiss the sky.

Yes?

Sorry,
I must have the wrong house.

Ho, that's where
you're wrong, friend.

Aren't we in luck?
Today's our tithe day,

and we've got ourselves
a transient.

Come in, my friend.
Let us feed and bathe you.

Hey, wait a minute.

Dad, can I anoint
the sores on his feet?

I think it's Mom's turn, son.

No fair.

Thanks for the suit.

Well, if you ever want
to spend the night,

Maude and I
can sleep on card tables.

♪ Onward,
Christian soldiers ♪

♪ Marching as to war... ♪

They're singing again.

Lousy neighbors.
Wish I was deaf.

What am I gonna say?

This is the guy who ruined me.

But on the other hand,
he's family.

So many conflicting emotions.
How to express them?

Herb?

Uncky herb!

Bart! Lisa!

I'm so glad to see you.

You weren't so glad to see me.

I'm sorry, Homer,
but I'm still mad at you.

Every word you say just makes me
want to punch you in the face.

Well, while you're
a guest in my home,

could you just
kick me in the butt?

I'll try, but I'm not
making any promises.

Herb!
How have you been?

I've been living
in a cardboard box,

sleeping on grates,
eating out of dumpsters. You?

Can't complain.

Herb, let me give you
the grand tour.

This is one
of our many light switches.

It functions in both
the on and off mode.

On, off. On, off.

Homer, he knows how
to work a light switch.

Yeah, right.

I don't know what's
this switch does.

This is really good, Marge.

I got the recipe from
the Utility Grade Beef Council.

They do good work.

Uncky Herb, what advice
would you give to a boy

who will most likely become
a bum like yourself?

Discarded pizza boxes

are an inexpensive
source of cheese.

Lisa, aren't you happy
to see me?

Why didn't you write, Unky Herb?

Hey, if I wrote to you
what was I supposed to say?

"Dear Lisa, last night

I used a rat for a pillow
thanks to your pop"?

I see your point.

♪ Whether you're driving
near or far ♪

♪ Powell makes
a pow-pow-powerful car ♪

Maggie, I'm going to let you
in on a little secret.

You're gonna make me rich again.

Yes, you are.
Yes, you are.

One, two, three...
Ventnor Avenue.

And while on Ventnor Avenue

you'll be staying
at the fabulous Hotel Lisa.

A valet will be around shortly

to park your thimble.

Of course, there is
the unpleasant matter of the bill.

Get to the point.

1150 bones.

That's all I got.

Broke again, Herb?
Just like in real life.

I guess you're just not
much of a businessman.

Maybe we should play
another game.

Why are we playing games when we
got two grand in the bank?

Remember when Dad won the First
Annual Montgomery Burns Award

For Outstanding Achievement
in the Field of Excellence?

Well, I think we should invest

in a set of the "Great Books
of Western Civilization."

Look at this ad
from New Republic for Kids.

"Each month, a new classic
will be delivered to our door."

"'Paradise Regained, '
Martin Chuzzlewit

or Herman Melville's twin
classics, 'Omoo " and 'Typee.'"

Wait, Marge, didn't you want to
spend that money on a vibrating chair?

That was your idea.

I think we should
get a machine gun.

We could use it to hunt game,
spell out things,

or ring in the new year.

Well, I really think

we need to replace
the washer and dryer.

How would you like
to spend $2,000

to give a broken man
a second chance?

- Nah.
- Wait, Herb,

what are you talking about?

Buh, buh, buh, buh... Not here.

Come into the dining room.

I wanna give you
a 20-minute presentation

that will change the world.

20 minutes?

Okay, now before I tell you
about my idea,

I'd like to show you this.

It's drinking the water!

Take it easy, Homer.

Now, this is an example

of how one little idea,
carefully marketed...

This is the greatest
invention in the world.

You'll make a million dollars.

No, Homer, that invention
is out already.

I'm just using it as an example.

It's going back for more.

Homer, this is my invention.

Now of course,
with these blueprints,

you'll have to use
your imagination.

What the...

It's a baby translator.

It measures the pitch,

the frequency, and the urgency
of a baby's cries.

Then it tells whoever's
around, in plain English,

exactly what the baby
is trying to say.

Everything from "change me"

to "turn off
that damn Raffi record."

Ooh! That's a very
clever idea.

All I need is a couple
of thousand dollars

to build a prototype.

You'll have your money back

in 30 days, I swear.

I think we owe a debt
to Uncky Herb.

He took us in to his home
and Dad destroyed him.

Dad, you know some shyster's
gonna bilk you out of your money.

It may as well be your brother.

All right, Herb,
I'll lend you the 2,000 bucks,

but you have to forgive me
and treat me like a brother.

- No.
- Okay, then

just give me the drinking bird.

Let's see, what could you
be trying to say?

Nothing downstairs.

You just took a nap.

"I want to suck
your nose."

Hooga-booga,
hooga-booga, hooga-booga.

"I'm scared."

The amplitude of the sine wave

is insufficient for "burp me,"

and this sawtooth formation
is something I've nev...

Blah!

Eureka.

Now, I bet you're all wondering

what lies under this sheet.

Not really. We peeked inside
while you were in the john.

Well, here it is again...

my baby translator.

Ooh!

Marge, you don't
have to humor me.

Well, it's pretty ingrained.

What do you think, Homer?

Herb, this is the stupidest
thing I've ever seen.

I can't believe
we blew 2,000 bucks on it,

when right now rollers
could be kneading my buttocks.

Homer, could you stop
thinking about your ass?

I try, but I can't.

Lavish attention on me
and entertain me.

Maggie, you talked!

You see?
It tells you exactly

what's on the baby's mind.

Maggie.
Maggie.

Where did you go?

Peek-a-boo!

There you are.
Very amusing.

Well, Homer,
now what do you think?

I don't know, Herb.

People are afraid of new things.

You should have taken
an existing product

and put a clock in it
or something.

Homer, every mother
in the country

is going to want one of these.

I have soiled myself.
How embarrassing.

I gave Herb all the money
I had in the world,

and he still treats me like
something he dug out of his ear.

Don't worry, he can't stay
mad at you forever.

He is your brother.

But when is he going
to act like it?

This radio-controlled plane

gives your baby
the chance to fly,

just like my son here.

He can execute the barrel roll,
the loop-de-loop,

Then bring it in for
the perfect landing.

Dear.

My wife is going to kill me.

I only want to eat candy.

Then that's all you'll get.

This leash demeans us both.

- I'll take two!
- I'll take a dozen!

I represent the Precious Baby
discount stores.

I'll take 50,000!

I'm rich again!

U.S.A.!
U.S.A.!

U.S.A.!

Homer, here's a check
for $2,000.

But I also wanted to give you
each a little something

for believing in me.

Lisa, this is the first volume

of "The Great Books
of Western Civilization."

You'll receive a new one
every month,

from "Beowulf"
to "Less than Zero".

Finally a copy of "Ethan Frome"
to call my own.

Now Bart,
I know you're too young

for that machine gun you wanted,

but I'm gonna give you something

that will make sure
when you're old enough,

you can still buy one...

a membership in
the National Rifle Association.

Wow! The N.R.A.!

Can I get armor-piercing,
cyanide-tipped bullets too?

It's in the Constitution, son.

Maggie, who brought
me my fortune,

I'll give you anything you
want in this world.

I want what the dog's eating.

- D'
-I'll get you something nice.

Now, Marge...

Herb, I appreciate
your generosity,

but I don't need
any gift from you.

You're too late, Marge.

I got you
a new washer and dryer,

and I sold the old ones
for 50 bucks.

Go, go go!

Come on, washer!

You stupid dryer!

Herb, I don't think

there's a vibrating chair
in that bag for me.

Homer, walk me to my car.

What do I get?
What do I get?

It's not another
punch in the face, is it?

Because if it is,
I don't want it.

This is what you get, Homer.

I forgive you.

You can call me brother,
and I can do the same.

- That's it?
- That's it.

I see your point...
brother.

Give me a hug...
brother.

All right...

but I never really
hugged a man before.

Homer, I bought you
the damn chair.

Come on, come on, come on.

Go on, go on, that's enough.

All right, get out of here.

♪♪

Shh!

CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY
ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.