subtitlecat.com

All language subtitles for The.Simpsons.S03E21.Black.Widower.1080p.DSNP.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-MZABI_track3_[eng]1

Afrikaans

Akan

Albanian

Amharic

Arabic

Armenian

Azerbaijani

Basque

Belarusian

Bemba

Bengali

Bihari

Bosnian

Breton

Bulgarian

Cambodian

Catalan

Cebuano

Cherokee

Chichewa

Chinese (Simplified)

Chinese (Traditional)

Corsican

Croatian

Czech

Danish

Dutch

English

Esperanto

Estonian

Ewe

Faroese

Filipino

Finnish

French

Frisian

Galician

Georgian

German

Greek

Guarani

Gujarati

Haitian Creole

Hausa

Hawaiian

Hebrew

Hindi

Hmong

Hungarian

Icelandic

Igbo

Indonesian

Interlingua

Irish

Italian

Japanese

Javanese

Kannada

Kazakh

Kinyarwanda

Kirundi

Kongo

Korean

Krio (Sierra Leone)

Kurdish

Kurdish (Soranî)

Kyrgyz

Laothian

Latin

Latvian

Lingala

Lithuanian

Lozi

Luganda

Luo

Luxembourgish

Macedonian

Malagasy

Malay

Malayalam

Maltese

Maori

Marathi

Mauritian Creole

Moldavian

Mongolian

Myanmar (Burmese)

Montenegrin

Nepali

Nigerian Pidgin

Northern Sotho

Norwegian

Norwegian (Nynorsk)

Occitan

Oriya

Oromo

Pashto

Persian

Polish

Portuguese (Brazil)

Portuguese (Portugal)

Punjabi

Quechua

Romanian

Romansh

Runyakitara

Russian

Samoan

Scots Gaelic

Serbian

Serbo-Croatian

Sesotho

Setswana

Seychellois Creole

Shona

Sindhi

Sinhalese

Slovak

Slovenian

Somali

Spanish

Spanish (Latin American)

Sundanese

Swahili

Swedish

Tajik

Tamil

Tatar

Telugu

Thai

Tigrinya

Tonga

Tshiluba

Tumbuka

Turkish

Turkmen

Twi

Uighur

Ukrainian

Urdu

Uzbek

Vietnamese

Welsh

Wolof

Xhosa

Yiddish

Yoruba

Zulu

Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,086 --> 00:00:05,922 d The Simpsons d 2 00:01:04,022 --> 00:01:05,482 D' 3 00:01:05,565 --> 00:01:07,692 Aah! 4 00:01:21,664 --> 00:01:24,501 Would you turn off that rock n' rock music? 5 00:01:24,584 --> 00:01:26,586 Hey, don't have a stegosaurus, man. 6 00:01:28,755 --> 00:01:30,590 These talking dinosaurs are more real 7 00:01:30,673 --> 00:01:32,634 than most real families on TV. 8 00:01:32,717 --> 00:01:34,594 Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! 9 00:01:34,677 --> 00:01:37,680 Hee hee hee. Look, Maggie, they have a baby too. 10 00:01:37,764 --> 00:01:41,059 It's like they saw our lives and put it right up on screen. 11 00:01:41,142 --> 00:01:43,186 Now kids, I know you're all excited 12 00:01:43,269 --> 00:01:45,563 about meeting Aunt Selma's new boyfriend tonight. 13 00:01:45,647 --> 00:01:47,357 But I think that before he gets here 14 00:01:47,440 --> 00:01:49,317 I should tell you something about him. 15 00:01:49,400 --> 00:01:51,778 Something disturbing. 16 00:01:52,821 --> 00:01:54,614 Ooh! 17 00:01:54,697 --> 00:01:56,533 Ooh! 18 00:01:56,616 --> 00:01:58,201 Eyugh! 19 00:01:58,284 --> 00:02:00,995 You see, Aunt Selma has this crazy obsession 20 00:02:01,079 --> 00:02:02,539 about not dying alone. 21 00:02:02,622 --> 00:02:03,915 So in desperation, 22 00:02:03,998 --> 00:02:06,376 she joined this prison pen pal program. 23 00:02:06,459 --> 00:02:08,253 Her new sweetie is a jailbird. 24 00:02:08,336 --> 00:02:10,213 Cool, he can teach us 25 00:02:10,296 --> 00:02:11,965 how to kill a man with a lunch tray. 26 00:02:12,048 --> 00:02:15,343 Now, now, he's an ex-convict. 27 00:02:15,426 --> 00:02:17,345 He's paid his debt to society. 28 00:02:17,428 --> 00:02:18,805 Then how come you're not using 29 00:02:18,888 --> 00:02:20,014 the good silverware? 30 00:02:20,098 --> 00:02:21,099 I'm just not. 31 00:02:21,182 --> 00:02:23,184 That's them. 32 00:02:23,268 --> 00:02:24,561 Remember, everyone, 33 00:02:24,644 --> 00:02:26,563 be understanding and forgiving 34 00:02:26,646 --> 00:02:28,606 for the sake of family unity. 35 00:02:28,690 --> 00:02:32,193 Everyone, I'd like you to meet... 36 00:02:32,277 --> 00:02:33,945 Aah! Sideshow Bob! 37 00:02:34,028 --> 00:02:35,530 What the... 38 00:02:35,613 --> 00:02:36,882 Selma, dear, I'm afraid the children's reaction 39 00:02:36,906 --> 00:02:38,449 is quite understandable. 40 00:02:38,533 --> 00:02:40,373 You see, Bart here is the shamus in short pants 41 00:02:40,410 --> 00:02:41,494 who sent me to prison. 42 00:02:41,578 --> 00:02:42,912 That's right, Aunt Selma. 43 00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:44,998 Your new boyfriend here framed Krusty the Clown 44 00:02:45,081 --> 00:02:46,457 for armed robbery. 45 00:02:48,209 --> 00:02:50,712 Gee, if some snot-nosed little kid sent me to prison, 46 00:02:50,795 --> 00:02:52,922 the first thing out, I'd find out where he lives 47 00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:55,300 and tear him a new belly-button. 48 00:02:57,343 --> 00:02:58,511 Lousy snitch. 49 00:02:58,595 --> 00:02:59,595 Yaah! 50 00:03:01,806 --> 00:03:04,434 Mr. Simpson, you're forgetting 51 00:03:04,517 --> 00:03:06,519 the first two noble truths of the Buddha. 52 00:03:06,603 --> 00:03:07,979 - I am not. - Yes, you are. 53 00:03:08,062 --> 00:03:10,607 One: Existence is suffering. 54 00:03:10,690 --> 00:03:13,318 Two: The cause of suffering is desire. 55 00:03:13,401 --> 00:03:16,196 In this case, my desire to do high-quality 56 00:03:16,279 --> 00:03:17,447 children's programming. 57 00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:20,467 When prison put an end to that dream, 58 00:03:20,491 --> 00:03:21,993 I became a seething cauldron 59 00:03:22,076 --> 00:03:23,244 of rage and recrimination. 60 00:03:40,595 --> 00:03:43,097 When I was nominated for best supporting performer 61 00:03:43,181 --> 00:03:45,642 in a children's program at the daytime Emmy awards, 62 00:03:45,725 --> 00:03:47,477 my bitterness ruined 63 00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:49,496 what should have been the greatest night of my life. 64 00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:50,980 And the nominees are: 65 00:03:51,064 --> 00:03:52,565 Droopy drawers, 66 00:03:52,649 --> 00:03:53,900 Colonel Coward, 67 00:03:53,983 --> 00:03:57,237 Pepito, the biggest cat in the whole wide world, 68 00:03:57,320 --> 00:03:59,405 Sideshow Bob, 69 00:03:59,489 --> 00:04:01,491 and Suckup the Vacuum. 70 00:04:01,574 --> 00:04:03,576 And the Emmy goes to... 71 00:04:03,660 --> 00:04:05,662 I don't believe this... 72 00:04:05,745 --> 00:04:07,330 Sideshow Bob. 73 00:04:11,167 --> 00:04:13,044 This is one more Emmy than you'll ever win, 74 00:04:13,127 --> 00:04:15,380 you bantering jack-in-the-box! 75 00:04:15,463 --> 00:04:17,507 Just don't drop that thing in the shower, Bob. 76 00:04:17,590 --> 00:04:19,008 - No-talent, shill! - Second banana! 77 00:04:19,092 --> 00:04:20,009 - Panderer! - Bore! 78 00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:22,845 Stop it! I can... Release me! 79 00:04:25,306 --> 00:04:27,809 Now for the highlight of the evening, 80 00:04:27,892 --> 00:04:29,185 best film-to-video transfer. 81 00:04:30,395 --> 00:04:31,813 Do you know what prison is like 82 00:04:31,896 --> 00:04:34,148 for a life-long, conservative Republican? 83 00:04:37,819 --> 00:04:39,237 In our overcrowded cell 84 00:04:39,320 --> 00:04:41,656 we became little more than beasts. 85 00:04:41,739 --> 00:04:43,074 Who used my chap stick? 86 00:04:43,157 --> 00:04:44,325 I did. Here you go. 87 00:04:44,409 --> 00:04:46,452 I don't want it. 88 00:04:46,536 --> 00:04:49,622 My only joy came with plotting a horrible revenge 89 00:04:49,706 --> 00:04:51,541 against the boy who put me there. 90 00:04:58,631 --> 00:04:59,841 Ay, caramba! 91 00:04:59,924 --> 00:05:01,634 Bart, if I wanted to kill you, 92 00:05:01,718 --> 00:05:03,028 I'd have choked you like a chicken 93 00:05:03,052 --> 00:05:04,470 as soon as I walked in that door. 94 00:05:05,430 --> 00:05:06,723 But then what kind of a guest 95 00:05:06,806 --> 00:05:07,974 would I have been? 96 00:05:10,935 --> 00:05:11,936 Now, where was I? 97 00:05:12,020 --> 00:05:15,106 Yes. My lowest ebb. 98 00:05:15,189 --> 00:05:16,774 You can't take my Emmy. 99 00:05:16,858 --> 00:05:18,443 Hey, you know the rules. 100 00:05:18,526 --> 00:05:21,362 Awards for excellence in entertainment are contraband. 101 00:05:21,446 --> 00:05:22,446 No Emmys, no Oscars, 102 00:05:22,488 --> 00:05:23,614 not even a Golden Globe. 103 00:05:25,825 --> 00:05:28,786 But kismet can be kind, as well as cruel. 104 00:05:28,870 --> 00:05:30,288 I received an answer to my letter 105 00:05:30,371 --> 00:05:31,598 from the prison pen pal program. 106 00:05:31,622 --> 00:05:35,209 "Dear #24601... 107 00:05:35,293 --> 00:05:37,670 "I need a man and I cannot find one 108 00:05:37,754 --> 00:05:39,464 "among the law abiding. 109 00:05:39,547 --> 00:05:42,133 "I have a steady job and a lucrative hobby: 110 00:05:42,216 --> 00:05:44,302 "filing nuisance lawsuits. 111 00:05:44,385 --> 00:05:46,179 "I share an apartment with my twin sister. 112 00:05:46,262 --> 00:05:47,680 "Enclosed is a photo of us 113 00:05:47,764 --> 00:05:48,764 "on a tandem bike. 114 00:05:48,806 --> 00:05:50,808 I forget which one I am." 115 00:05:52,560 --> 00:05:53,936 "Dear Selma... 116 00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:55,563 "your latest letter set off a riot 117 00:05:55,646 --> 00:05:58,733 in the maximum-security wing of my heart." 118 00:06:02,945 --> 00:06:05,907 Like the lone crocus that pokes through the prison yard, 119 00:06:05,990 --> 00:06:08,284 our love bloomed despite all obstacles. 120 00:06:10,328 --> 00:06:12,455 Selma, may I? 121 00:06:13,706 --> 00:06:16,376 On the cheek. 122 00:06:19,337 --> 00:06:20,963 Inspired by the love of a good woman, 123 00:06:21,047 --> 00:06:22,548 I resolved to be 124 00:06:22,632 --> 00:06:24,634 the best darned inmate #24601 I could be. 125 00:06:27,845 --> 00:06:29,305 I bade farewell to my cellmates, 126 00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:30,973 and left with the woman I loved. 127 00:06:32,183 --> 00:06:33,601 Cutter. 128 00:06:33,684 --> 00:06:35,186 Icepick. 129 00:06:35,269 --> 00:06:36,562 Snake. 130 00:06:36,646 --> 00:06:38,398 I'm going to miss you most of all. 131 00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:41,984 Aww! 132 00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:44,028 What a beautiful story, sideshow Bob. 133 00:06:44,112 --> 00:06:45,363 You're living proof 134 00:06:45,446 --> 00:06:47,907 that our revolving-door prison system works. 135 00:06:47,990 --> 00:06:49,826 Selma, I've never seen you so happy. 136 00:06:49,909 --> 00:06:51,911 Giggling like a schoolgirl. 137 00:06:55,039 --> 00:06:56,624 I've got to admit it, Selma, 138 00:06:56,707 --> 00:06:58,918 he's a once-in-a-lifetime catch. 139 00:06:59,001 --> 00:07:01,879 Yes, I hope the police are saying that as well. 140 00:07:05,466 --> 00:07:06,801 I can't believe you guys. 141 00:07:06,884 --> 00:07:09,137 This man framed Krusty the Clown. 142 00:07:09,220 --> 00:07:11,180 - Bart! - Indeed, I did 143 00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:14,016 and I'd like to thank you for catching me, Bart. 144 00:07:14,100 --> 00:07:15,393 You seized the wheel 145 00:07:15,476 --> 00:07:17,019 of my slow boat to hell, and pointed it 146 00:07:17,103 --> 00:07:20,022 straight towards the sunny shores of Selma. 147 00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:21,107 Hear, hear. 148 00:07:21,190 --> 00:07:22,817 Selma, would you mind 149 00:07:22,900 --> 00:07:24,694 if I did something bold and shocking 150 00:07:24,777 --> 00:07:26,112 in front of your family? 151 00:07:26,195 --> 00:07:27,238 All right, but no tongues. 152 00:07:27,321 --> 00:07:28,614 Although kissing you 153 00:07:28,698 --> 00:07:30,867 would be like kissing some divine ashtray, 154 00:07:30,950 --> 00:07:32,243 that's not what I had in mind. 155 00:07:32,326 --> 00:07:35,538 Selma, will you marry me? 156 00:07:36,664 --> 00:07:37,790 Don't be a fool, Aunt Selma. 157 00:07:37,874 --> 00:07:39,167 That man is scum. 158 00:07:39,250 --> 00:07:41,586 Then call me "Mrs. Scum." 159 00:07:48,384 --> 00:07:49,969 d I know I stand in line d 160 00:07:50,052 --> 00:07:51,888 d Until I think you have the time d 161 00:07:51,971 --> 00:07:54,432 d To spend an evening with me d 162 00:07:57,143 --> 00:07:59,437 d And if we go someplace to dance d 163 00:07:59,520 --> 00:08:01,105 d I know that there's a chance d 164 00:08:01,189 --> 00:08:03,816 d You won't be leaving with me d 165 00:08:06,027 --> 00:08:08,529 d And afterwards, we drop into d 166 00:08:08,613 --> 00:08:10,156 d A quiet little place d 167 00:08:10,239 --> 00:08:12,617 d And have a drink or two d 168 00:08:15,369 --> 00:08:17,455 d And then I go and spoil it all d 169 00:08:17,538 --> 00:08:19,832 d By saying something stupid d 170 00:08:19,916 --> 00:08:23,503 d Like "I love you" d 171 00:08:27,882 --> 00:08:31,511 Could you... pumice my corns for me? 172 00:08:31,594 --> 00:08:33,346 Avec plaisir. 173 00:08:33,429 --> 00:08:35,765 "A"... "G"... 174 00:08:35,848 --> 00:08:39,560 "Q"... Seven... 175 00:08:39,644 --> 00:08:40,811 Close enough. 176 00:08:40,895 --> 00:08:44,565 May you drive safely and find true love. 177 00:08:44,649 --> 00:08:46,567 We now return to the 27th annual 178 00:08:46,651 --> 00:08:47,944 Krusty the Clown telethon 179 00:08:48,027 --> 00:08:49,362 for motion sickness. 180 00:08:49,445 --> 00:08:50,488 Tympani. 181 00:08:52,198 --> 00:08:55,076 Whoo-hoo! I love you people! 182 00:08:55,159 --> 00:08:58,496 I love my kids! 183 00:08:58,579 --> 00:09:00,039 Poor little guys. 184 00:09:00,122 --> 00:09:01,707 So tragic. 185 00:09:01,791 --> 00:09:03,709 So nauseous. 186 00:09:03,793 --> 00:09:06,212 You should see the bus they came to the studio in. 187 00:09:13,302 --> 00:09:15,012 What's next? Yeah. 188 00:09:15,096 --> 00:09:18,641 And now, a man who needs no introduction, 189 00:09:18,724 --> 00:09:20,560 "The Chairman of the Company"... 190 00:09:20,643 --> 00:09:22,103 You know who I'm talking about. 191 00:09:22,186 --> 00:09:23,646 Get out here, you gumba! 192 00:09:25,731 --> 00:09:28,651 Krustelah, there's an old friend backstage 193 00:09:28,734 --> 00:09:31,445 - who wants to say hello. - What? 194 00:09:31,529 --> 00:09:34,365 - I can't believe it! - They've been feuding for years. 195 00:09:36,450 --> 00:09:37,952 Come here, you. 196 00:09:38,035 --> 00:09:39,203 You old clown, you. 197 00:09:39,287 --> 00:09:40,454 I missed you. 198 00:09:40,538 --> 00:09:42,873 This guy is a national treasure. 199 00:09:42,957 --> 00:09:44,792 That jerk I got to replace you, 200 00:09:44,875 --> 00:09:46,877 he isn't fit to hold your slide whistle. 201 00:09:46,961 --> 00:09:49,005 All I can be is myself. 202 00:09:49,088 --> 00:09:51,215 Krusty, can you ever forgive me for framing you 203 00:09:51,299 --> 00:09:52,967 and putting you in jail? 204 00:09:53,050 --> 00:09:54,903 Hey, if they ever open the books on this telethon, 205 00:09:54,927 --> 00:09:56,304 I'm right back in there. 206 00:09:56,387 --> 00:09:58,347 That sideshow Bob 207 00:09:58,431 --> 00:10:00,141 is a no-good show biz phony. 208 00:10:00,224 --> 00:10:01,767 Come on, Bart. 209 00:10:01,851 --> 00:10:03,704 If Krusty can find it in his heart to forgive him, 210 00:10:03,728 --> 00:10:05,688 surely you can, too. 211 00:10:05,771 --> 00:10:07,189 Krusty, I can't tell you 212 00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:09,191 how much I missed this. 213 00:10:09,275 --> 00:10:10,318 Ha-ha! 214 00:10:10,401 --> 00:10:12,903 Now, about your wedding dress... 215 00:10:12,987 --> 00:10:14,822 I'm not sure how to put this... 216 00:10:14,905 --> 00:10:17,074 - White! - White. 217 00:10:17,158 --> 00:10:18,826 And what would you like for appetizers? 218 00:10:18,909 --> 00:10:20,411 Ooh, appetizers. 219 00:10:20,494 --> 00:10:22,134 Well, Homer, you seem to be a trencherman. 220 00:10:22,204 --> 00:10:23,664 What should we serve? 221 00:10:23,748 --> 00:10:26,959 Well, you can't go wrong with cocktail weenies. 222 00:10:27,043 --> 00:10:28,961 They taste as good as they look, 223 00:10:29,045 --> 00:10:31,297 and they come in this delicious red sauce. 224 00:10:31,380 --> 00:10:34,091 It looks like ketchup, it tastes like ketchup, 225 00:10:34,175 --> 00:10:36,719 but, brother, it ain't ketchup! 226 00:10:36,802 --> 00:10:38,471 Well, Selma, he makes a good case. 227 00:10:38,554 --> 00:10:39,680 Get whatever you want. 228 00:10:39,764 --> 00:10:41,891 It all tastes like Styrofoam to me. 229 00:10:41,974 --> 00:10:44,393 Selma, dear, I'm confused. 230 00:10:44,477 --> 00:10:45,936 Well, when I was a kid, 231 00:10:46,020 --> 00:10:47,563 we were playing with bottle rockets, 232 00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:49,982 and one shot straight up my nose. 233 00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:53,361 I permanently lost my sense of taste and smell. 234 00:10:53,444 --> 00:10:57,323 Okay, we've got cocktail weenies and Swedish meatballs. 235 00:10:57,406 --> 00:10:59,408 Selma, this wedding is spinning out of control. 236 00:10:59,492 --> 00:11:00,910 Can we really afford it? 237 00:11:00,993 --> 00:11:02,846 I've already run through eight of the ten dollars 238 00:11:02,870 --> 00:11:04,330 they gave me when I left prison. 239 00:11:04,413 --> 00:11:06,582 Hey, relax. I told you I got money. 240 00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:08,626 I bought stock in a mace company 241 00:11:08,709 --> 00:11:10,628 just before society crumbled. 242 00:11:10,711 --> 00:11:12,922 Selma, that's wonderful! 243 00:11:13,005 --> 00:11:14,298 I just hope people don't think 244 00:11:14,382 --> 00:11:16,342 I'm marrying you for your money, 245 00:11:16,425 --> 00:11:19,804 instead of your... less tangible qualities. 246 00:11:21,347 --> 00:11:25,059 Tomorrow we'll be Mr. and Mrs. Bob Terwilliger. 247 00:11:25,142 --> 00:11:26,394 Isn't it grand? 248 00:11:26,477 --> 00:11:29,647 Hey, Bob, give some of that honey this way. 249 00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:33,901 Holy frijoles! 250 00:11:33,984 --> 00:11:35,295 We've got ten minutes till "MacGyver". 251 00:11:35,319 --> 00:11:36,696 Driver, here's a fin. 252 00:11:36,779 --> 00:11:37,964 Get me home, and don't spare the whip. 253 00:11:37,988 --> 00:11:39,073 Whatever you say, mum. 254 00:11:41,742 --> 00:11:42,743 What did I miss? 255 00:11:42,827 --> 00:11:45,621 MacGyver was wearing a tank top. 256 00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:47,248 Dang. 257 00:11:47,331 --> 00:11:48,850 Why, Selma, I thought I was the only man in your life. 258 00:11:48,874 --> 00:11:50,376 Sit down and shut up! 259 00:11:50,459 --> 00:11:52,211 Thank you, Senor MacGyver, 260 00:11:52,294 --> 00:11:53,713 you saved our village. 261 00:11:53,796 --> 00:11:55,214 Don't thank me. 262 00:11:55,297 --> 00:11:56,757 Thank the moon's gravitational pull. 263 00:12:01,137 --> 00:12:03,222 That MacGyver's a genius. 264 00:12:03,305 --> 00:12:05,474 First of all, he's not a genius. 265 00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:06,976 He's an actor. 266 00:12:07,059 --> 00:12:08,811 And second, he's not much of an actor. 267 00:12:08,894 --> 00:12:11,063 You're lying. You're lying! 268 00:12:11,147 --> 00:12:13,065 No, Selma, this is lying: 269 00:12:13,149 --> 00:12:15,609 That was a well-plotted piece of non-claptrap 270 00:12:15,693 --> 00:12:17,153 that never made me want to retch. 271 00:12:17,236 --> 00:12:18,571 No! 272 00:12:23,075 --> 00:12:25,119 He was so cruel. 273 00:12:25,202 --> 00:12:27,455 The things he said... 274 00:12:27,538 --> 00:12:29,582 They're just not true. 275 00:12:29,665 --> 00:12:31,459 There, there. 276 00:12:31,542 --> 00:12:32,877 Well, I guess the wedding's off. 277 00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:34,795 Fiddle-dee-dee. Tomorrow's another day. 278 00:12:34,879 --> 00:12:37,798 - Bart, stop that! - No, he's right. 279 00:12:37,882 --> 00:12:39,341 We're a package. 280 00:12:39,425 --> 00:12:41,969 Love me, love "MacGyver". 281 00:12:42,052 --> 00:12:43,721 I guess the wedding's off. 282 00:12:45,848 --> 00:12:47,224 Selma, I don't know what to say. 283 00:12:47,308 --> 00:12:49,769 Just tell me you like "MacGyver". 284 00:12:49,852 --> 00:12:51,937 Very well. I... 285 00:12:52,021 --> 00:12:53,856 I... 286 00:12:53,939 --> 00:12:55,232 I can't do it! 287 00:12:55,316 --> 00:12:57,109 Even that car chase seemed tacked on. 288 00:12:59,069 --> 00:13:01,864 Would you two knock it off? 289 00:13:01,947 --> 00:13:03,783 I hate all the programs Marge likes, 290 00:13:03,866 --> 00:13:05,117 but it's no big deal. 291 00:13:05,201 --> 00:13:06,243 You know why? 292 00:13:06,327 --> 00:13:07,244 - No. - Go on. 293 00:13:07,328 --> 00:13:08,579 Whenever Marge puts on 294 00:13:08,662 --> 00:13:11,999 one of her nonviolent programs, I take a walk. 295 00:13:12,082 --> 00:13:14,210 I go to a bar, I pound a few, 296 00:13:14,293 --> 00:13:17,338 then I stumble home in the mood for love. 297 00:13:17,421 --> 00:13:18,964 Very well, Selma. 298 00:13:19,048 --> 00:13:20,382 Whenever you watch "MacGyver," 299 00:13:20,466 --> 00:13:22,426 I'll take a vigorous constitutional, 300 00:13:22,510 --> 00:13:24,970 and return more in love with you than ever. 301 00:13:25,054 --> 00:13:26,680 Bob. 302 00:13:26,764 --> 00:13:29,350 Bart no like. Bad medicine. 303 00:13:32,102 --> 00:13:34,522 I could have been the flower girl, 304 00:13:34,605 --> 00:13:36,315 and I wouldn't keep falling down either. 305 00:13:36,398 --> 00:13:38,651 Hey, they chose Maggie, okay? 306 00:13:38,734 --> 00:13:40,528 Yeah, well, if you want to go for cutesyness 307 00:13:40,611 --> 00:13:42,696 instead of competence, fine. 308 00:13:42,780 --> 00:13:44,907 Do you, Bob, take Selma, 309 00:13:44,990 --> 00:13:48,369 to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, 310 00:13:48,452 --> 00:13:49,954 till death do you part? 311 00:13:52,039 --> 00:13:53,039 I do. 312 00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:02,925 Hey, wiener boy. 313 00:14:03,008 --> 00:14:04,885 Where do you think you're going? 314 00:14:11,600 --> 00:14:15,104 I'm the only single girl left in the family. 315 00:14:18,983 --> 00:14:21,026 Well, I guess it could be worse. 316 00:14:21,110 --> 00:14:22,903 There's Krusty the Clown. 317 00:14:22,987 --> 00:14:25,531 Krusty! Krusty, say something funny. 318 00:14:25,614 --> 00:14:27,116 Gee, a joke? 319 00:14:27,199 --> 00:14:30,119 Um... Funny... 320 00:14:30,202 --> 00:14:32,329 Okay, this guy walks into a bar 321 00:14:32,413 --> 00:14:35,291 and takes out a tiny piano and a 12-inch pianist... 322 00:14:35,374 --> 00:14:38,460 No, wait. I can't tell that one. ho! 323 00:14:38,544 --> 00:14:41,463 Dear friends, 41 years ago, 324 00:14:41,547 --> 00:14:46,385 God took 168 pounds of clay, and he made me a woman, 325 00:14:46,468 --> 00:14:48,679 and for this, I thank him. 326 00:14:48,762 --> 00:14:50,139 I just wanted to say, 327 00:14:50,222 --> 00:14:53,058 on the advice of my new husband, 328 00:14:53,142 --> 00:14:55,227 I've decided to give up smoking... 329 00:14:56,729 --> 00:14:59,690 except for after meals and after "MacGyver". 330 00:14:59,773 --> 00:15:01,984 Why, Selma, dear, you'll bury us all. 331 00:15:03,819 --> 00:15:05,279 Chief Wiggum, you've been around. 332 00:15:05,362 --> 00:15:07,323 You don't trust sideshow Bob, do you? 333 00:15:07,406 --> 00:15:09,283 Lighten up, son. 334 00:15:09,366 --> 00:15:11,201 If he was going to commit a crime, 335 00:15:11,285 --> 00:15:14,163 would he have invited the number-one cop in town? 336 00:15:14,246 --> 00:15:16,123 Now, where did I put my gun? 337 00:15:16,206 --> 00:15:17,458 Yeah. 338 00:15:17,541 --> 00:15:20,044 I set it down when I got a piece of cake. 339 00:15:23,297 --> 00:15:25,090 I don't know what to say. 340 00:15:25,174 --> 00:15:27,801 Just tell me what you know I want to hear. 341 00:15:27,885 --> 00:15:31,096 I'm dying of jealousy. 342 00:15:31,180 --> 00:15:32,598 Thank you. 343 00:15:35,434 --> 00:15:37,353 That's right, dear. 344 00:15:37,436 --> 00:15:39,313 Enjoy your rest. 345 00:15:39,396 --> 00:15:41,565 The wedding was very tough on you, 346 00:15:41,649 --> 00:15:44,026 and the honeymoon is going to be... 347 00:15:44,109 --> 00:15:45,778 murder. 348 00:16:02,169 --> 00:16:04,713 Welcome to our video honeymoon. 349 00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:07,591 We're using the video camera Cousin Doug gave us, 350 00:16:07,675 --> 00:16:10,594 and the video cassette Homer gave us. 351 00:16:10,678 --> 00:16:14,139 Hey, and after we watch this, we can tape over it. 352 00:16:14,223 --> 00:16:18,352 There's Shelbyville Falls, rolling rock, 353 00:16:18,435 --> 00:16:20,729 and here's another breathtaking sight. 354 00:16:20,813 --> 00:16:23,607 My brand-new hubby. 355 00:16:23,691 --> 00:16:25,693 I wanted a room with a fireplace, 356 00:16:25,776 --> 00:16:26,944 you brainless luggage monkey! 357 00:16:27,027 --> 00:16:29,279 Like the one in your brochure! 358 00:16:29,363 --> 00:16:31,073 Selma, dear. 359 00:16:31,156 --> 00:16:34,535 I was just chatting with my good friend... Dennis. 360 00:16:34,618 --> 00:16:36,787 Now, smile for the camera, that's a good lad. 361 00:16:39,748 --> 00:16:41,792 Fire. 362 00:16:41,875 --> 00:16:44,336 Scourge of Prometheus, toaster of marshmallows, 363 00:16:44,420 --> 00:16:46,797 eradicator of dead wood. 364 00:16:46,880 --> 00:16:49,800 Selma, dear, you and your little camera. 365 00:16:49,883 --> 00:16:52,261 What do you say we shut it off for a while? 366 00:16:52,344 --> 00:16:53,971 And make love? 367 00:16:55,806 --> 00:16:57,057 I suppose so. 368 00:16:57,141 --> 00:16:59,476 That's sweet. 369 00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:03,022 Why would Sideshow Bob go so nuts over a fireplace? 370 00:17:03,105 --> 00:17:05,232 Because he wants his honeymoon 371 00:17:05,315 --> 00:17:06,650 to be romantic. 372 00:17:06,734 --> 00:17:08,902 Romantic? With Aunt Selma? 373 00:17:08,986 --> 00:17:10,863 I guess you're just too young to understand. 374 00:17:16,952 --> 00:17:20,914 Bob, one of my fillings fell out. 375 00:17:20,998 --> 00:17:23,917 Even murder has its ugly side. 376 00:17:24,001 --> 00:17:27,212 Bob, would you mind rubbing my feet? 377 00:17:29,506 --> 00:17:32,051 Darling, you make it sound like a chore. 378 00:17:33,510 --> 00:17:35,387 Ooh... Good... 379 00:17:35,471 --> 00:17:36,638 Soon I will kill you. 380 00:17:37,723 --> 00:17:38,974 Son pieds sentit beau... 381 00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:40,809 French for "Her foot smells lovely." 382 00:17:42,352 --> 00:17:43,979 Prepare to be murdered. 383 00:17:46,774 --> 00:17:50,319 That's... Sanskrit for "Your toes are like perfume." 384 00:17:51,445 --> 00:17:53,906 - Voy a matar a usted. - Wha..? 385 00:17:53,989 --> 00:17:55,157 That's Spanish for 386 00:17:55,240 --> 00:17:56,533 "I am going to kill you." 387 00:17:56,617 --> 00:17:57,868 Say what? 388 00:17:57,951 --> 00:17:59,495 Why, dear, I do believe it's time 389 00:17:59,578 --> 00:18:01,038 for your beloved "MacGyver". 390 00:18:01,121 --> 00:18:02,372 Hey, you're right. 391 00:18:14,343 --> 00:18:16,553 Well, time for my walk. 392 00:18:16,637 --> 00:18:19,056 Don't forget to die. 393 00:18:19,139 --> 00:18:20,766 Ding-dong. 394 00:18:20,849 --> 00:18:23,727 I was feeling kind of lonely without Selma. 395 00:18:23,811 --> 00:18:25,896 Mind if I watch TV with you? 396 00:18:25,979 --> 00:18:28,524 Go ahead, Patty. 397 00:18:28,607 --> 00:18:30,859 Tonight, on "MacGyver"... 398 00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:34,196 "MacGyver," "MacGyver," "MacGyver." 399 00:18:34,279 --> 00:18:36,490 Aunt Selma has one hour to live. 400 00:18:36,573 --> 00:18:37,741 Hey, down in front. 401 00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:42,954 Goodbye. 402 00:18:50,546 --> 00:18:53,632 Front desk, there's been a terrible accident in my room! 403 00:18:58,303 --> 00:19:02,015 Poor Selma. You were having such a lovely evening 404 00:19:02,099 --> 00:19:03,976 d And then I went and spoiled it all d 405 00:19:04,059 --> 00:19:07,437 d By doing something stupid like explode you d 406 00:19:08,605 --> 00:19:09,606 Sideshow Bob, 407 00:19:09,690 --> 00:19:10,983 I'm afraid the only victims here 408 00:19:11,066 --> 00:19:13,443 are the good people at Best Western hotels. 409 00:19:13,527 --> 00:19:14,778 Bart! 410 00:19:15,863 --> 00:19:16,863 Selma! 411 00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:19,324 You tried to kill me. 412 00:19:19,408 --> 00:19:21,076 I want a separation. 413 00:19:22,995 --> 00:19:25,622 My best-laid plans have gang agley. 414 00:19:25,706 --> 00:19:27,183 Chief Wiggum, think you have room in your jail 415 00:19:27,207 --> 00:19:28,917 for a two-time loser? 416 00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:31,795 Well, no, frankly, but that never stopped us before. Ha! 417 00:19:33,463 --> 00:19:36,300 Bart, I must know, how did you untangle my web? 418 00:19:36,383 --> 00:19:37,759 Yeah, Bart, clue us in. 419 00:19:37,843 --> 00:19:40,095 Well, I'd hate to tell the number-one cop in town 420 00:19:40,179 --> 00:19:41,597 how to do his job. 421 00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:44,099 No, no, please, it's the only way I'll learn. 422 00:19:44,183 --> 00:19:45,601 All right. 423 00:19:45,684 --> 00:19:46,964 Sideshow Bob seemed so desperate 424 00:19:47,019 --> 00:19:49,188 to get that fireplace, but why? 425 00:19:49,271 --> 00:19:51,982 Then it hit me. The gas! 426 00:19:52,065 --> 00:19:54,860 Surely anyone would have noticed a gas leak 427 00:19:54,943 --> 00:19:57,529 except Aunt Selma. 428 00:19:57,613 --> 00:20:00,574 I permanently lost my sense of taste and smell. 429 00:20:00,657 --> 00:20:02,451 She happily watched her "MacGyver," 430 00:20:02,534 --> 00:20:03,994 unaware that her room 431 00:20:04,077 --> 00:20:06,205 was silently filling with natural gas. 432 00:20:06,288 --> 00:20:07,664 All it needed to explode 433 00:20:07,748 --> 00:20:11,877 was a single spark, say, from a cigarette. 434 00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:14,296 I've decided to give up smoking 435 00:20:14,379 --> 00:20:16,340 except for after meals and after "MacGyver". 436 00:20:16,423 --> 00:20:18,133 Her only hope was a plucky young boy 437 00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:20,052 and his slow-witted father. 438 00:20:20,135 --> 00:20:21,887 Dad, when Aunt Selma lights up her cigarette 439 00:20:21,970 --> 00:20:23,096 at the end of "MacGyver," 440 00:20:23,180 --> 00:20:24,932 she'll be blown to kingdom come. 441 00:20:25,015 --> 00:20:26,015 Come again? 442 00:20:28,018 --> 00:20:29,603 After trying four times 443 00:20:29,686 --> 00:20:31,486 to explain it to Homer, I explained it to Mom, 444 00:20:31,563 --> 00:20:33,357 and we were on our way! 445 00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:34,441 To the Simpson-mobile! 446 00:20:52,292 --> 00:20:53,961 No! 447 00:20:57,047 --> 00:20:59,967 But wait, if you saved Selma, why did the room explode? 448 00:21:00,050 --> 00:21:01,927 I'll field that one. 449 00:21:02,010 --> 00:21:04,096 Me and the boys were all celebrating a job well done, 450 00:21:04,179 --> 00:21:05,639 when I threw my match 451 00:21:05,722 --> 00:21:07,099 in the vicinity of the crime scene. 452 00:21:09,559 --> 00:21:11,687 Right! The gas. 453 00:21:11,770 --> 00:21:13,605 I'll be back. You can't keep 454 00:21:13,689 --> 00:21:15,482 the Democrats out of the White House forever, 455 00:21:15,565 --> 00:21:17,901 and when they get in, I'm back on the streets 456 00:21:17,985 --> 00:21:19,611 with all my criminal buddies! 457 00:21:25,951 --> 00:21:28,370 I feel like such a fool. 458 00:21:28,453 --> 00:21:30,706 Well, he fooled almost everyone, 459 00:21:30,789 --> 00:21:34,459 but there was one little boy who never lost his mistrust. 460 00:21:34,543 --> 00:21:36,545 Thanks, Mom. 461 00:21:36,628 --> 00:21:38,463 Now, let's get out of this gas-filled hallway 462 00:21:38,547 --> 00:21:40,507 before we all suffocate. 463 00:21:46,972 --> 00:21:49,891 dd 464 00:22:51,203 --> 00:22:52,412 Shh. 465 00:22:55,207 --> 00:22:58,085 CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC. 32125