All language subtitles for The.Simpsons.S03E17.Homer.at.the.Bat.1080p.DSNP.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-MZABI_track3_[eng]

♪ The Simpsons ♪

D'

Aah!

Doughnuts.

Hey, Homer, slow down.

You're gonna choke or something.

Don't tell me
how to eat doughnuts.

Hey, Homer's choking again.

Isn't there a first-aid chart

around here somewhere?

Somebody scare him.

That's for the hiccups.

Hey, look at this.

Softball starts this week.

Softball?

Who's next?

- Count me out.
- Not me.

No way.

What's the matter with you guys?

Homer, last year
we were two and 28.

- Look, I know it wasn't our best season.
- Actually, it was.

Well, this year,
it's gonna be different.

Yeah? What makes you
so damn sure?

I have a secret weapon.

Hey, he's been
holding out on us?

A secret weapon?

I wonder what it could be.

- Count me in.
- I'm there.

Come here, boy,
I want to show you something.

What's that?
A homemade bat?

It's something very special...

A homemade bat.

It all started last year

during a terrible thunderstorm

when I locked myself
out of the house.

Sheltering myself with
a large piece of sheet metal,

I ran for cover under
the tallest tree I could find.

Something told me
this was a very special,

very magical piece of wood

that I could make a bat out of.

I put my homemade
football on hold,

and set to work making
the world's greatest bat.

Homie, come to bed.

Homer, go back to the garage.

And here it is.

Wow! How many home runs
you gonna hit with that?

Let's see, we play 30 games,
ten at bats a game... 3,000.

Hit one here, Charlie!

Okay, lets go over
the ground rules.

You can't leave first
until you chug a beer.

Any man scoring
has to chug a beer.

You have to chug a beer at the
top of all odd-numbered innings.

And the fourth inning
is the beer inning.

Hey, we know how
to play softball.

Play ball!

Attention all units!

Attention all units!

Armored car being robbed
at 5th and...

Turn off that damn radio!

And the next man wants
to hit the ball too.

And he does.

And there he goes off
in that direction.

And everyone is happy.

Mom, why don't you
let me call the game?

That's alright dear,
I can do it.

Men, stop that!

Okay, Homer, bases loaded,
and you're up.

Where's that secret weapon?

Check it out, boys.

My magic bat.

That's it?

Yeah, I got a magic bat too.

And I got
an enchanted jockstrap.

Yeah. Just watch.

Whoo-hoo!

All right, Homeboy!

Yeah!

Ha-ha! Cops can't win!

Get his license
and registration.

Right, Chief.

Wow, Dad.

Homer, can I get you a beer?

No. I want
to get him a beer.

Kids, kids, kids,

you can each get me a beer,

but first, let's see it again
in super slow motion.

Why you...

Ooh!

Such a mighty wallop.

I got my magic bat off a piano.

My sister let me use
her wooden leg.

Good news, sir.

The plant softball team
has won again.

If we beat Shelbyville
next week,

we capture the pennant.

Did you hear that, Ari?

My boys need only to
thump your tub,

and the title is ours.

Ha! The Gladiators
from my power plant

will crush your team
like nine flabby grapes.

I disagree.

Would you care to bet
a million dollars on that?

If we're going to bet,
why don't we make it interesting?

What. A million dollars
isn't interesting to you?

Did you say a million?

I'm sorry.
My mind was elsewhere.

I thought you would start
with a small amount,

and we would
bait each other, and...

Well, you know how it goes.

Yes, certainly.
A million will be fine.

Smithers, I've been thinking.

Is it wrong to cheat in order
to win a million dollar bet?

Yes, sir.

Let me rephrase that.

Is it wrong if I cheat in order
to win a million dollar bet?

No, sir.
Who would you like killed?

No, Smithers. I've decided
to bring in a few ringers...

Professional baseballers.

We'll give them
token jobs at the plant

and have them play
on our softball team.

Honus Wagner, Cap Anson,

Mordecai "Three Finger" Brown...

Sir?

What is it, Smithers?

I'm afraid all those
players have retired

and, passed on.

In fact, your right fielder
has been dead for 130 years.

Damnation!

Alright, find me
some good players.

Living players.

Scour the professional ranks,

the American League,
the National League,

the negro leagues.

I'm on my way, sir.

And, Smithers..

You have 24 hours.

I get $50,000 to play one game?

That's right,
Mr. Canseco.

Well, it's a pay cut,
but what the hey.

It sounds like fun.

Hey, sorry. I thought you were a deer.

That's okay.
Happens all the time.

Are you Mike Scioscia?

That's me.

How do you like working
for the Dodgers?

Well, it's okay, but sometimes

I wish I had something
a little more blue collar.

You know, with big machines
and cool dials and stuff,

like an oil refinery

or hydroelectric plant.

We should talk.

And this is Elvis' rec room.

When the king wasn't
rehearsing or exercising,

he'd like to unwind by watching
up to three TVs at once.

Man, man, what a lifestyle.

Excuse me.
Are you Ozzie Smith?

- Yes.
- I have a proposition for you.

Hello.
Are you Don Mattingly?

Yes, yes, I am.

Come in. Come in.
Can I get you something?

What's your name?

How would you
like to be a ringer

on a small-town
company softball team?

Would I?

And now I'd like
to introduce the new members

of our happy power plant family.

- Our new security guard, Roger Clemens.
- Hello.

- Our new janitor, Wade Boggs.
- How you doing?

Our lunchroom cashier,
Ken Griffey Jr.

Hey, what's up, guys?

Our new, well...

we'll make up jobs
for these fellas later.

Please say hello to Steve Sax,
Don Mattingly, Darryl Strawberry,

Ozzie Smith, Mike Scioscia,
and Jose Canseco.

By the way, you new fellas,

there's a sign-up sheet
for the company

softball team on the
bulletin board over there,

just in case you wish to play.

Mr. Burns, with them
on the team, you won't need us.

Well, duh.

You, Scioscia, sign up.

Thanks just the same,
but I'm here to run

the solid contaminate
encapsulator.

One more outburst like that

and I'll send you back
to the big leagues.

- You're Darryl Strawberry.
- Yes.

- You play right field.
- Yes.

- I play right field too.
- So?

Well, are you better than me?

Well, I never met you,
but... yes.

It's not fair. Me and the guys
worked so hard to get

to the championship game,
and now we'll be sitting on the bench.

You hit so many
home runs this year.

What makes you think this
Darryl Strawberry character

is better than you?

Marge, forget it.

He's bigger than me, faster than me,
stronger than me,

and he already has more friends
around the plant than I do.

You make me sick, Homer.

You're the one who told me
I could do anything

if I just put my mind to it.

Well, now that you're a
little bit older,

I can tell you that's a crock.

No matter how good
you are at something,

there's always about
a million people better than you.

Gotcha... Can't win, don't try.

As your new manager,
I want to say this up front.

No one is assured a spot
in the starting line-up.

I don't care
if you're name is Steve Sax

or Darryl Strawberry, or...

Smithers, what's one of
the bad players names?

Homer Simpson, sir.

Or Homer Simpson.

Secondly, instead of beer,

from now on, you will
all be drinking this.

It's a brain and nerve tonic

rich in proteins
and electromagnetic juices.

It promotes robust health.

Of course it has been known
to cause gigantism,

but only in rare cases.

Try some.

Wow. It's like there's
a party in my mouth

and everyone's invited.

Excellent.

Now, let's begin
our training, shall we?

Smithers...

the medicine balls.

Here.

What are you gonna do
with your million dollars, sir?

I don't know.
Throw it in the pile, I suppose.

You are all very good players.

We are all very good players.

You will beat Shelbyville.

We will beat Shelbyville.

You will give 110%.

That's impossible.

No one can give more than 100%.

By definition, that is
the most anyone can give.

I got it!
I got it!

Yes.

Hey!

I called for that.

Put a lid on it. Simpson!

There's no "I" in "team."

Some of these guys
have a bad attitude, Skip.

They sure do, Strawberry.

Hey, Scioscia, I don't get it.

You're a ringer, but you're here
every night in the core

busting your butt
hauling radioactive waste.

Well, Carl, it's such a relief
from the pressures

of playing big league ball.

I mean there, you make
any kind of mistake, and boom,

the press is all over you.

Don't worry about it.

Man, is this ever sweet.

- Me, me.
- Pick me.

Pick me, pick me.

I pick Ken Griffey Jr.

Aw, geez.

Okay, I'll take Milhouse.

Hey Mr. Boggs, will
you be on my team?

You got yourself a player.

Damn!

All right, I'll take Louis.

I'll take Jose Canseco.

D'

Mattingly, get rid
of those sideburns.

- What sideburns?
- You heard me, hippie.

These guys aren't so tough.
I've got Wonderbat.

Take a knee, boys.

Tomorrow is the biggest day
of your lives.

The Shelbyville game.

So lights out at 7:30,

and abstain from coffee,
tea, and cola drinks.

Make no mistake,
they pack a wallop.

Sure do, Skip.

Yes. Now, before I post
the starting lineup,

I want to assure those of you
whose names are not on the list

that I'm very
disappointed in you.

Something was lacking.
Let's call it heart.

- No hustle either, Skip.
- That's right, Darryl.

- All right.
- Way to go.

Aw, nuts.

Please, please, please.
I want to make the team.

Clemens, did I make the team?

You sure did.

I did?!
Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!

In your face, Strawberry.

- Wait a minute, are you Ken Griffey Jr.?
- No.

Sorry, didn't mean
to get your hopes up.

Smithers, there's no way
I can lose this bet,

unless, of course,
my nine all-stars

fall victim to nine
separate misfortunes,

and are unable to play tomorrow,

but that will never happen.

Three misfortunes,
that's possible.

Seven misfortunes,
there's an outside chance.

But nine misfortunes?
I'd like to see that.

What a nice little town.

Maybe I'll buy a home here
when I retire.

What seems to be
the problem, officers?

That's enough out of you,
smart guy.

Reach for your license.

Slowly.

Well, well. Steve Sax,
from New York City.

I heard some guy
got killed in New York City,

and they never solved the case,

but you wouldn't know
anything about that,

now, would you, Steve?

But there's hundreds
of unsolved murders

in New York City.

You don't know when
to keep your mouth shut,

do you, Saxy boy?

Mike, try to lift your arm.

Can't... lift... arm...

or... speak...

at... normal... rate.

Well, I'm afraid you have a case

of acute radiation poisoning,
Mr. Scioscia.

Will... I...

be... able...

to... play...

softball... tomorrow?

No, by tomorrow, you'll
barely be able to breathe.

Man.

Dr. Hibbert, Ken Griffey Jr.
Needs to see you immediately.

We think it's an overdose
of nerve tonic.

Good Lord!

Gigantism!

My baby! My baby!

Don't worry, ma'am.
I'll save your baby.

Thank you,
Mr. Canseco.

My cat!

Never fear, ma'am.
I'll save your cat.

My player piano!

Man.

One thing I'm good at,
and I can't do it anymore.

Homie, you're good
at lots of things.

Like what?

Like snuggling.

Yeah, but none of my friends
can watch me.

And I say

England's greatest
prime minister

was Lord Palmerston!

Pitt, the Elder.

Lord Palmerston!

Pitt, the Elder!

Okay, you asked for it, Boggs.

Yeah, that's
showing him, Barney.

Pitt, the Elder.

Lord Palmerston!

Nice work, boys.

I think we can close the book
on just about every unsolved crime

in our fair city.

Don't I at least get
to call my lawyer?

You watch too many movies, Sax.

How long does it take
to see this thing?

I'm kind of in a hurry.

Well it's hard to say,
my friend.

Once you go in,
you may never come out.

Wow! One, please.

Where do you think you're going?

- To the game.
- No, no, no.

I don't want you to see me
sitting on my worthless butt.

We've seen it, Dad.

Mattingly, for the last time,
get rid of those sideburns.

Look Mr. Burns, I don't know
what you think sideburns are, but...

Don't argue with me!
Just get rid of them!

Smithers, it's almost game time.

Where the devil are my ringers?

Sir, Mike Scioscia may not
live through the night.

Steve Sax is looking at
six consecutive life sentences,

and Ozzie Smith seems to have
vanished off the face of the Earth.

Cool!

Well, what about Canseco?

The dryer goes on the right.

Yes, ma'am.

What about Clemens?

Sir, he's in
no condition to play.

That damn hypnotist!

You! Look what you've done.

My starting pitcher
thinks he's a chicken.

Make no mistake,
I'm going to report this

to the American
Hypnotical Association.

But I did a good job...

a good job...

Well, I guess it's
not your fault.

You did a good job.

Mattingly!

I thought I told you
to trim those sideburns!

Go home!
You're off the team!

- For good!
- Fine.

I still like him better
than Steinbrenner.

All right, you ragtag
bunch of misfits.

You hate me
and I hate you even more,

but without my beloved ringers,

you're all I've got.

So I... want you
to remember

some inspiring things

that someone else
may have told you

in the course of your lives,

and go out there and win.

Not so fast, Simpson.

The man who plays
your position is still here.

Hit the pine.

You stink, Strawberry!

We want home-run Homer!

Darryl.

Darryl.

- Darryl. Darryl.
- Darryl. Darryl.

Children, that's not very nice.

Mom, they're
professional athletes.

They're used to
this sort of thing.

It rolls right off their backs.

- Who wants peanuts? I got peanuts!
- Over here!

Hey, wha, ho,
peanuts taste good!

Hey, peanuts!
We got peanuts!

Need some peanuts?
Heads up!

All right, Monty,

it's up to your
managerial skills.

What to do...

Smithers, massage my brain.

Yes, sir.

You, Strawberry!
Hit a home run!

Okay, Skip.

Ha ha ha!
I told him to do that.

Brilliant strategy, sir.

Dear!

Children, tell me

when your father stops
scratching himself.

Kids?

We'll tell you, mom.

All right, tie game.

Bottom of the ninth.

Two outs, bases loaded.

Strawberry coming up.

They're going to win
the city championship.

No thanks to me.

Wait.
You! Strawberry!

Good effort today.

Take a lap and hit the showers.

I'm putting in a right-handed batter
to hit for you.

- What?
- You're pinch-hitting for me?!

Yes. You see
you're a left-hander,

and so is the pitcher.

If I send up a
right-handed batter,

it's called
playing the percentages.

It's what smart managers do
to win ball games.

But I've got
nine home runs today.

You should be very proud of yourself.
Sit down.

Simpson!
You're batting for Strawberry.

I am? Whoo-hoo!

That a boy, Homer.

You can do it.

All right, Simpson.
Let's go over the signals.

If I tug the bill
of my cap like so...

Yeah?

It means the signal is a fake.

However, I can take that off
by dusting my hands thusly.

- Got it.
- If I want you to bunt,

I will touch my belt buckle

not once, not twice, but thrice.

I don't understand
a word he's saying.

Why doesn't he just let me bat?

I wish I was home

with a big bag of potato chips.

Potato chips.

- Got that, Simpson?
- Yes, sir.

Now batting for Darryl Strawberry...
Homer Simpson.

- All right!
- Yay!

Oof!

Dear!

No, Mom.
It counts as a hit.

Dad just won the game.

Well, I guess he'll be happy

when he comes to.

We won! We won!
All right!

Homer! Homer! Homer!

♪♪

♪ Well, Mr. Burns
had done it ♪

♪ The power plant
had won it ♪

♪ With Roger Clemens
clucking all the while ♪

♪ Mike Scioscia's tragic
illness made us smile ♪

♪ While Wade Boggs
lay unconscious ♪

♪ On the barroom tile ♪

♪ We're talking softball ♪

♪ From Maine to San Diego ♪

♪ Talking softball ♪

♪ Mattingly and Canseco ♪

♪ Ken Griffey's
grotesquely swollen jaw ♪

♪ Steve Sax and his
run-in with the law ♪

♪ We're talking Homer ♪

♪ Ozzie and the Straw ♪

♪ We're talking softball ♪

♪ From Maine to San Diego ♪

♪ Talking softball ♪

♪ Mattingly and Canseco ♪

♪ Ken Griffey's
grotesquely swollen jaw ♪

♪ Steve Sax ♪

♪ And his run-in with the law ♪

♪ We're talking Homer ♪

♪ Ozzie and the Straw. ♪

CAPTIONS ENHANCED BY
ROUNDABOUT ENTERTAINMENT INC.