All language subtitles for The Big Bang Theory - 1x02 - The Big Bran Hypothesis (XOR)

Here we go.
Pad thai, no peanuts.

But does it have peanut oil?

I'm not sure.

Everyone keep an eye on Howard
in case he starts to swell up.

Since it's not bee season,
you can have my epinephrine.

- Are there any chopsticks.
- No need. This is Thai food.

Here we go.

Thailand has had the fork since
the latter half of the 19th Century.

Interestingly they don't put the fork
in their mouth--

they use it to put the food on a spoon
which then goes into their mouth.

Ask him for a napkin.
I dare you.

I'll get it.

Do I look puffy? I feel puffy.

- Hey, Leonard.
- Oh, hi, Penny.

- Am I interrupting?
- No. You're not swelling, Howard.

Look at my fingers.
They're like Vienna sausages.

- Sounds like you have company.
- They're not going anywhere.

So, you're coming home from work.
That's great. How was work?

You know, it's a Cheesecake Factory.

People order cheesecake
and I bring it to them.

So you kind of act like
a carbohydrate delivery system.

Yeah. Call it whatever you want,
I get minimum wage.

I was wondering if you could help me out

- with something.
- Yes.

Great. I'm having some furniture

delivered tomorrow
and I may not be here, so...

Hello.

- I'm sorry?
- Haven't you ever been told

how beautiful you are
in flawless Russian?

No, I haven't.

Get used to it.

Yeah. I probably won't.

- Hey, Sheldon.
- Hi.

Hey, Raj.

Still not talking to me, huh?

Don't take it personally,
it's his pathology.

He can't talk to women.

It can't talk to atractive woman,
or in your case,

a cheesecake- scented goddess.

So there's gonna be
some furniture delivered?

If it gets here and I'm not here,
could you sign

and have them put it in my apartment?

No problem.

Great. Here's my spare key.
Thank you.

Penny, wait.

If you don't have any other plans,
do you want to join us

for Thai food
and a Superman movie marathon?

A marathon?
How many Superman movies are there?

You're kidding, right?

I do like the one where Lois Lane
falls from the helicopter

and Superman swooshes down
and catches her. Which one was that?

One.

You realize that scene
was rife with scientific inaccuracy.

Yes, I know, men can't fly.

No.
Let's assume that they can.

Lois Lane is falling,

accelerating at an initial rate
of 32 feet per second per second.

Superman swoops down to save her
by reaching out two arms of steel.

Miss Lane, who is now traveling

at approximately 120 miles an hour,

hits them and is immediately
sliced into three equal pieces.

Unless Superman matches
her speed and decelerates.

In what space, sir?
She's two feet above the ground.

Frankly, if he really loved her,
he'd let her hit the pavement.

It'd be a more merciful death.

Excuse me, your entire argument
is predicated on the assumption

that Superman's flight
is a feat of strength.

Are you listening to yourself?
It is well established

that his flight is a feat of strength.

It is an extension of his
ability to leap tall buildings,

an ability he derives from
exposure to Earth's yellow sun.

And how does he fly at night?

A combination
of the moon's solar reflection

and the energy-storage capacity
of Kryptonian skin cells.

I'm just gonna go wash up.

I have 2,600 comic books in there.
I challenge you

to find a single reference
to Kryptonian skin cells.

Challenge accepted.

We're locked out.

Also, the pretty girl left.

o/~ Our whole universe
was in a hot, dense state o/~

o/~ Then nearly 14 billion years
ago expansion started... Wait! o/~

o/~ The Earth began to cool o/~

o/~ The autotrophs began to drool,
Neanderthals developed tools o/~

o/~ We built the Wall o/~
o/~ We built the pyramid so/~

o/~ Math, Science, History,
unraveling the mystery o/~

o/~ That all started with a big bang o/~

Her apartment's on the fourth floor
but the elevator's broken, so...

You're just gonna be done?
Okay. Cool. Thanks

We'll just bring it up ourselves.

I hardly think so.

Why not?

Well, we don't have a dolly,

or lifting belts
or any measurable upper-body strength.

We don't need strength--
we're physicists.

We are the intellectual
descendants of Archimedes.

Give me a fulcrum and a lever
and I can move the Earth.

It's just a matter of...
I don't have this.

Archimedes would be so proud.

Do you have any ideas?

Yes, but they all involve
a green lantern and a power ring.

Easy... easy.

Now we've got an inclined plane.
The force required to lift

is reduced by the sine
of the angle of the stairs,

call it 30 degrees, so, about half.

Exactly half.

Exactly half.

Let's push.

See, it's moving, this is easy.

It's all in the math.

- What's your formula for the corner?
- What?

Okay, no problem.

Just come up here,
help me pull and turn.

Ah, gravity,
thou art a heartless bitch.

You do understand that our efforts here
will in no way increase the odds

of you having sexual congress
with this woman.

Men do things for women
without expecting sex.

Those would be men who just had sex.

I'm doing this
to be a good neighbor.

In any case, there's no way
it could lower the odds.

Almost there.

Almost there.

- Almost there.
- No, we're not.

- I'm sorry.
- No, we're not!

Watch your fingers.

Oh, God, my fingers!

- You okay?
- No, her...

Great Caesar's ghost,
look at this place.

So Penny's a little messy.

A little messy?

The Mandelbrot set of complex
numbers is a little messy.

This is chaos.

Excuse me.

Explain to me
an organizational system

where a tray of flatware
on a couch is valid.

I'm just inferring this is a couch

because the evidence suggests
the coffee table

is having a tiny garage sale.

Did it ever occur to you
that not everyone has

the compulsive need to sort,
organize and label

the entire world around them?

No.

Well, they don't.

Hard as it may be for you to believe,

most people don't sort their breakfast
cereal numerically by fiber content.

Excuse me, but I think we've both
found that helpful at times.

- Come on, we should go.
- Hang on.

- What are you doing?
- I'm straightening up.

This is not your home.

This is not anyone's home.
This is a swirling vortex of entropy.

When the transvestite lived here,
you didn't care how he kept the place.

Because it was immaculate.

I mean, you opened
that man's closet,

it was left to right evening gowns,

cocktail dresses,
then his police uniforms.

What were you doing in his closet?

I helped him run
some cable for a web cam.

This just arrived,
we just brought this up... just now.

Great.
Was it hard getting it up the stairs?

- No.
- "No"?

No.

No.

Well, we'll get out of your hair.

Okay, great.
Thank you again.

I just want you to know
that you don't have to live like this.

I'm here for you.

What's he talking about?

- It's a joke.
- I don't get it.

Yeah, he didn't tell it right.

Penny's sleeping.

Are you insane?

You can't just break
into a woman's apartment

in the middle
of the night and clean.

I had no choice.
I couldn't sleep knowing

that just outside my bedroom
was our living room,

and just outside our living room
was that hallway,

and immediately adjacent
to the hallway was... this.

Do you realize
that if Penny wakes up,

there is no reasonable explanation
as to why we're here.

I just gave you
a reasonable explanation.

No, no, you gave me
an explanation.

Its reasonableness will be determined
by a jury of your peers.

Don't be ridiculous.
I have no peers.

We have to get out of here.

You might want to speak
in a lower register.

What?

Evolution has made women sensitive

to high-pitched noises
while they sleep

so that they'll be
roused by a crying baby.

If you want to avoid waking her,

speak in a lower register.

That's ridiculous!

No.

"That's ridiculous."

Fine.

I accept your premise.
Now, please, let's go.

I'm not leaving until I'm done.

If you have time to lean,
you have time to clean.

Oh, what the hell.

Morning.

Morning.

I have to say
I slept splendidly.

Granted, not long,
but just deeply and well.

I'm not surprised.

A well-known folk cure for insomnia

is to break in your neighbor's
apartment and clean.

Sarcasm?

You think?

Granted, my methods may have
been somewhat unorthodox,

but I think the end result
will be a measurable enhancement

- to Penny's quality of life
- You've convinced me.

Maybe tonight we should sneak in
and shampoo her carpet.

- You don't think that crosses a line?
- Yes.

For God's sake,

do I have to hold up a sarcasm sign
every time I open my mouth?

You have a sarcasm sign?

No, I do not have
a sarcasm sign.

Do you want some cereal?
I feel so good today,

I'm gonna choose from
the low-fiber end of the shelf.

Hello, Honey Puffs.

Son of a bitch!

Penny's up.

You sick geeky bastards!

How did she know it was us?

I may have left a suggested
organizational schematic

for her bedroom closet.

God, this is gonna be bad.

Good-bye, Honey Puffs.
Hello, Big Bran.

You came into my apartment last
night while I was sleeping?!

Yes, but only to clean.

Really more to organize.
You're not actually dirty, per se.

Give me back my key.

I'm very, very sorry.

Do you understand
how creepy this is?

Oh, yes, we discussed it
at length last night.

In my apartment,
while I was sleeping?!

And snoring. And that's probably
just a sinus infection.

But it could be sleep apnea.

You might want to see
an otolaryngologist.

A throat doctor.

And what kind of doctor
removes shoes from asses?

Depending on the depth,

that's either
a... proctologist

or a general surgeon.

I think what you're feeling

is perfectly valid
and maybe a little bit later

when you're feeling a little less...
for lack of a better word-- violated,

maybe we can talk
about this some more.

- Stay away from me.
- Sure, that's another way to go.

Penny, Penny!

Just to clarify,

because there will be
a discussion when you leave,

is your objection
solely to our presence

in the apartment
while you were sleeping,

or do you also object to the imposition
of a new organizational paradigm.

Well, that was
a little non-responsive.

You are going to march yourself
over there right now and apologize.

What's funny?

That wasn't sarcasm?

Boy, you are all over
the place this morning.

I have a master's and two Ph.D.s,
I should not have to do this.

What?!

I am truly sorry for what
happened last night.

I take full responsibility.

And I hope that it won't color
your opinion of Leonard,

who is not only a wonderful guy,
but also, I hear,

a gentle and
thorough lover.

I did what I could.

Hey, Raj.

Hey, listen.

I don't know if you heard about
what happened last night.

but I'm really upset about it.

I mean, they just...
they let themselves into my place

and then they cleaned it.
Can you even believe that?

How weird is that?

She's standing very close to me.

Oh, my, she does smell good.

What is that, vanilla?

You know,
where I come from,

if someone comes into your house
at night, you shoot. Okay?

And you don't shoot to wound.

I mean, all right,
my sister shot her husband,

but it was an accident,
they were drunk.

Wait, what was I saying?

She's so chatty.

Maybe my parents are right.|

Maybe I'd be better off
with an Indian girl.

We'd have the same
cultural background

and my wife could sing to my children
the same lullabies my mother sang to me.

It's obvious that they meant well,
but...

I'm having a really rough time.
I broke up with my boyfriend

and...

Just because most of the men I've known
in my life happen to be jerks,

doesn't mean I should just
assume Leonard and Sheldon are.

Right?

She asked me a question.
I should probably nod.

That's exactly what I thought.

Thank you for listening.
You're a doll.

Turn your pelvis.

Grab a napkin, homie.
You just got served.

It's fine.You win.

What's his problem?

His imaginary girlfriend
broke up with him.

Been there.

Sorry I'm late,

but I was in the hallway,
chatting up Penny.

Really? You, Rajesh
Koothrappali, spoke to Penny?

Actually, I was less
the chatter than the chat-ee.

What did she say?
Is she still mad at me?

Well, she was upset at first,

but probably because
her sister shot somebody.

But then there was
something about you,

and then she hugged me.

She hugged you?
How'd she hug you?

Is that her perfume I smell?

Intoxicating, isn't it?

Hi.

What's going on?

Here's the thing.

"Just as Oppenheimer came
to regret his contributions

"to the first atomic bomb,

"so too I regret
my participation in what was,

"at the very least,
an error in judgment.

"The hallmark of the
great human experiment

"is the willingness to
recognize one's mistakes.

"Some mistakes, such as
Madam Curie's discovery of radium,

"turned out to have great
scientific potential,

"even though she would later die a slow,
painful death "from radiation poisoning.

Another example, from the
field of Ebola research..."

We're okay.

- Six two inch dowels.
- Check.

- One package Phillips head screws.
- Check.

You guys, seriously,
I grew up on a farm, okay?

I rebuilt a tractor engine
when I was, like, 12.

I think I can put together a cheap,
Swedish media center.

No, please. We insist.
It's the least we can do, considering.

Considering what?

How great this place looks?

- Oh, boy. I was afraid of this.
- What?

These instructions are
a pictographic representation

of the least imaginative way
to assemble these components.

This, right here is why Sweden
has no space program.

Well, it looked
pretty good in the store.

It is an inefficient design.
For example, she has a flat screen TV,

which means all the space
behind it is wasted.

- We could put her stereo back there.
- And control it how?

Run an infrared repeater.

Photo cell here, emitter here,
easy-peasy.

How are you gonna cool it?

- Hey, guys, I got this.
- Hang on, Penny.

How about fans?
Here and here.

Also inefficient,
and might be loud.

How about liquid coolant?
Maybe a little aquarium pump here,

run some quarter-inch PVC...

Guys, this is actually really simple.

Hold on, honey.
Men at work.

The PVC comes down here.

Maybe a little corrugated
sheet metal as a radiator here.

Yeah? Show me where we put a drip tray,
a sluice, and an overflow reservoir.

If water's involved, we're gonna have
to ground the crap out of the thing.

It's hot in here. I think
I'll just take off all my clothes.

Oh, I've got it.

What about if we replace

panels A, B and F and crossbar H
with aircraft-grade aluminum?

Right. Then the entire thing
is one heat sink.

You and Sheldon
go to the junkyard and pick up

6 square meters of scrap aluminum?

Raj and I
will get the oxyacetylene torch.

- Meet back here in an hour?
- Done.

Okay, this place does look pretty good.

Sync: swsub.com