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Previously on "Reginald the Vampire"...

She gives me blood.

She gives me kisses.

Put them together, the perfect woman.

Abraham was a vampire of legend.

He could turn a vampire back to human.

We found Abraham in Spokane, Washington.

It's not what it looks like!

I can explain!

You know what you are?

You're a disease.

I killed Todd.

I'm a liar, an asshole, and a murderer.

♪ Sail on, brother ♪

♪ Don't let go ♪

Hey, friend.

Buy a fellow traveler a drink?

How do you know I'm
not from around here?

You got the look of a man
who left home in the rearview.

Billy.

Reginald.

That drink?

♪ Hang on, brother ♪

♪ Don't lose your way ♪

I'm about two weeks left from broke.

Ah, plenty there to wet our whistles.

Two pints of your
finest bottom-shelf brew.

So...

What's your story, Reginald?

I don't really know anymore.

Well, cheers to not knowing.

In fact, every man's life comes down

to that one pivotal
moment, like that crossroads

with your name on it.

Well...

I think this is one of
those crossroad moments.

Do you?

I'm offering you the opportunity

to change the trajectory of your life.

How's that?

You play poker?

Go on, then.

I'm easy.

Raise another 20.

Call.

Full... house.

Good hand.

Not good enough.

Straight flush.

Hell no!

- That ain't right!
- The river don't lie.

Yeah, you're just some
kind of card shark.

Been playing me from the jump.

The hell you think you're going?

I'm just a little farther
from broke than I was before.

And I got enough money
to buy everybody a beer.

- Okay.
- All right.

Y'all just gonna let him
walk away, this clown?

After he cheated us out of our money?

Billy,

I don't like being called a cheater.

I don't like being called a clown.

Give me back my money.

Crossroads.

That's what you said.

You took a look into my wallet,

you saw an opportunity,

but it didn't turn out the
way you planned because...

and this is really funny
when you think about it...

the crossroads weren't for me.

They were for you.

Give me back my goddamn money,

or you'll pay me another way.

Ah, I can't do that.

I finally have enough cash

to keep myself going a little longer.

The only thing you're gonna do

is die where you're standing.

The thing is, I can't die.

It's impossible.

You wanna bet?

I think we've established

that gambling is not
your strongest suit.

Get it? Suit, like...

I get what you're saying.

No, you don't.

When I tell you can't die,

I'm not speaking a metaphor.

I'm genuinely trying to share
an important fact with you.

What the hell would that be?

I'm a motherfucking vampire.

Oh, shit!

Go, go, go!

I'll take that beer, vampire,

and a couple of minutes of your time.

Why?

You're just the man
I've been looking for.

I think you have me
mistaken for somebody else.

I'm no one.

I've been watching you.

It seems to me you're
here for some reason.

What do you want from me?

You're looking for something.

I think I can help you find it...

uh, find him.

A friend of mine told me
about a very legendary vampire,

whose powers... well, let's just say

he can do things other vampires can't.

And I've been searching for him.

His name is Abraham.

And what do you want from this Abraham?

I want to ask him an
improbable question.

Improbable?

Hmm.

I'm intrigued.

Ah, it's personal.

Say no more.

I've been looking for clues,
including any other vampires

who could help me.

But you're not a vampire.

I'm just Jenkins.

But I know the vampire that you seek.

I've been seeking him too.

Really?

For what?

It's personal.

Say no more.

Maybe between the two
of us, we could find him.

Oh, I already know where Abraham is.

You just said you were seeking him.

I'm pretty sure you said "seeking."

I know where he resides.

The fact is, I can't go in there alone.

I'm not strong enough.

Everyone who has gone into that place

has never come out.

I get it.

Only a vampire can
get to another vampire.

You wouldn't be the first.

Many vampires have sought him out,

and every one has failed.

Then why me?

I need a hero.

Okay, I'm no hero.

Oh, yes, you are. I'm sure of it.

Look, "just Jenkins," I let down,

disappointed, betrayed,
deceived, and hurt

anyone who's ever meant anything to me.

And as soon as I was finished
laying ruin to my life,

I ran away.

So trust me when I say this...

I'm no hero.

Let's go, Reginald.

Time's a'wasting.

Did you not hear a
single word I just said?

Come with me,

and I will help you get what you want.

If I were a vampire of legend,

this is exactly the not
place I would not live.

Tell me, what is it you're
looking for, Reginald?

What is the improbable question?

Salvation.

Oh, big ask.

It feels like it's my only chance.

It's my only chance too.

For what?

A new heart.

My current ticker has a shelf life.

Big ask.

All right, Tin Woodsman,
let's do this thing.

Whoa. What the...

Are you seeing what I'm seeing?

Yes,

assuming seeing is believing.

This is it.

This is the place. It has to be.

Agreed.

Although I do think that
you are a tad underdressed.

There's no doors.

No elevator.

No stairs.

No way out, except the way we came in.

I'm not leaving until we find Abraham.

Of course, the improbable question.

Hello.

Welcome to the party.

Who are you?

I'm Reginald.

Tell me, what is this question of yours?

My life is not the life
I'm supposed to be living.

I need to go back.

Back to where?

According to legend,

there's something only Abraham can do.

Oh? What's that?

He can make me human again.

That's a very big ask.

You want a heart.

Yes, one organ.

Well, I have to try.

What's so great about being human?

First, you're born.

And then begins the march
towards death. I should know.

But is that so bad, though?

To have a finite amount of
time to live your best life?

I was better being human anyway.

Are you sure about that?

I don't know.

At least I had practice.

But with practice,

won't you become a better vampire?

With everything I've
done, I'm thinking not.

We didn't order these.

First drinks are always
on the house, gentlemen.

Well, isn't that cordial?

What can I do you for?

We're looking for someone.

Perhaps in this crowd?

Someone else.

He goes by the name of Abraham.

Of course, our famous tenant.

He's... he's here?

Abraham once lived in the penthouse.

Lived, or lives?

He inspired many a legend.

Really? Enlighten us.

Oh, there are so many to choose from.

But I think it best I
stick with a classic.

Once upon a time, a
powerful creature ruled

over the kingdom of his kind.

He was a fair and gracious leader,

loved by all.

But there were some who
wanted to take his power

and use it to satisfy their own desires.

There was a man...

no longer a man...

who challenged him.

I know this part.

Logan the Putrescent,

the head of the Vampire Council.

He hired assassins to murder Abraham.

Killer after killer
came through these doors.

The attacks on Abraham were relentless.

The best assassins that money could buy.

Nikki.

Nikki was impressive.

She never made it upstairs.

I quite liked her. Pity.

Nobody got out alive, except Nikki.

She had a partner, didn't she?

Hard to keep track.

He had a patch of white hair.

Now that you mention it,
that does ring a bell.

So what about the rest of the story?

What about Abraham? Is he alive?

Perhaps.

Not quite.

Maybe.

Quite possibly.

I hope so.

Well, now I'm completely confused.

It's you!

It's him.

You're Stanley.

Who's Stanley?

Nikki's partner.

Man.

Hey, dude.

Was that elevator always there?

Maybe it's magic.

A magical conveyance?

Ha!

Did you see that?

I may be wrong about
its supernatural aspects.

We need to get into that elevator.

Hurry, Jenkins.

That elevator's the only
way to get to the penthouse.

Yeah, we'll get there, all right.

Okay, but if it can
appear out of nowhere,

it can disappear just
as quick. Let's go.

It's this damn weak ticker of mine.

Okay, let me help you.

- Sorry?
- See you next time.

Sure, I guess.

Come again soon.

Did you hear that? Is that weird?

I think this party has taken a turn.

Time for you to go.

Okay, seriously can't get
out of here fast enough.

No buttons?

How inconvenient.

- But there has to be a button!
- Nothing.

Wait.

I got this.

Maybe not.

In my experience,

doors are best walked through when open.

It's a magic elevator.

The usual law of physics
don't usually apply here.

Hold on.

What is it?

The music.

It's different.

Uh, I think we made them angry.

How so?

No idea, but it looks
like the party's over.

Thoughts? Plots? Plans?

I'm open to suggestion.

Unbelievable. I get it now.

This is... this actually
makes a lot of sense.

- It does? How?
- Basic cytology.

Come again?

It's the analysis of
single cells in the body.

Ever since we walked in
here, all these people,

or whatever they are, have
been making comments about us.

Who are we? What do we want?

And now they want us out.

Yeah, well, that much is clear.

They're like white blood cells,

and white blood cells kill viruses.

Well, that's a good thing, huh?

- Not exactly.
- Because?

We're the virus.

Leave this to me.

This is supposed to be a party.

Let's dance.

Uh, maybe I could tell you a joke.

I have millions of them.

I... tough crowd.

- How are you doing?
- Not good!

Keep trying to distract them.

- Try to get them out of sync!
- Will do.

Look, I must apologize for this.

I abhor violence of any kind.

But...

ah! No!

Jenkins!

I'm afraid I can't break free.

I say! No!

Save yourself, Reginald.
I'm not worth it.

You must go on without me.

No! No! I won't. I can't!

Listen to me!

You have the wrong guy!

I'm the virus!

I am the disease!

I don't deserve to ask a
legendary vampire for some favor.

Let Jenkins go and find his heart.

Take me instead!

Please, take me!

Somebody say something!

I'm kind of at the end of my rope here.

- Whoa.
- Whoo-hoo!

What? Wait, what?

I knew it!

Reginald, you have no
idea how long I have waited

for a heart as pure as yours.

No, I told you, you got the wrong guy.

I'm just some jerk-off who's
afraid of his own failures

and blames everything on everyone else.

Time to go, Reginald.

Your journey is just beginning.

Find me. Save me.

Be my hero.

Oh, hey!

You're still here.

Not that I know how "here" works.

I'm friends with... or was friends

with your partner... Nikki?

I'm Reginald.

Okay!

So you're a ghost...

or premonition?

Yeah.

I used to be human,

and I'm hoping to become human again.

So, Stanley, about your mission,

I think...

it would be worth reconsidering.

And yes, if you're wondering,

I do have a personal interest in...

Hang tight.

This is my floor.

Welcome to Slushy Shack.
How may I help you?

You're alive!

Am I?

Well, that's good.

It's Frazzleberry Friday.

Todd, it's me, Reginald.

You know, I mop and I mop,

but this puddle, it just won't go away.

I did that.

Why?

I was upset.

And you were hungry.

You took me for granted.

I'm sorry.

I was your friend.

Team Reggie.

And you made me your meal plan.

We can start over.

Can we?

Regi-round?

We weren't really friends, were we?

Not really, anyway.

I glamoured you to like me.

That makes this okay?

No. No.

You've always been a
hungry boy, haven't you?

Good time for a fat joke.

Let's get real.

Yes, you're a glutton.

You're a glutton for punishment.

You make a huge mess,
and then you wallow in it,

begging for forgiveness,
because, "Oh, deep down,

I really am a nice guy."

Oh, boo fucking hoo!

I almost forgot what
a jerk you could be.

How you made me feel about myself.

Well, at least I own it.

I don't mope around pretending
to be one of the good guys.

You're a bully!

You're a murderer.

You win.

Fine!

You're right.

Is that what you want to hear?

I thought I was one of
the good guys, but I'm not.

I lose control and I fuck up

and I hate myself for it.

So you're right.

I, Reginald Andres, am a bad guy.

Bingo.

Weirder and weirder.

"What's the Story, Morning Glory?"

"Bored in the USA."

Ooh, "Bad Together."

I gotta find out what happened to me.

Sarah?

Sarah?

Is it okay if I sit down?

Okay, I guess I'll just sit then.

You lied to me.

I... I didn't.

You said, "Listen to me."

Okay, I might have said that.

You told me to forget what
I saw, to forget Nikki,

to forget everything up
until the next time we met,

and then it would all be fine.

I had to.

You didn't.

You were so angry, so hurt.

I couldn't stand it. I had no choice!

You could have told me the truth.

You could have explained.

You could have been brave
and accepted what you've done.

Instead, you chose deception...

the weakest choice of all.

It was to protect you.

You tried to rip the
thoughts out of my head.

You tried to steal them
and keep them for yourself.

And now you sit here in
this place, in our place,

and you tell me that you did it for me?

Do you know what you are?

You're a spider spinning
a sticky web of lies

to protect yourself
from your own mistakes.

I couldn't stand the thought
of hurting you like that.

You think a kept secret
isn't going to cause pain?

I see that now.

If I could go back, I
would change everything.

But you can't.

Just admit it!

You lied.

It was all a lie.

Yes! I lied.

Okay?

I'm so sorry.

I will do anything to make it up to you.

Please, Sarah.

Forgive me.

I think I can do that.

Really?

You can?

Yes, Reginald.

I forgive you.

See?

I can lie too.

What? What do you mean?

Sarah!

I remember this night.

It's the night you
prayed for a better life.

It's the night I became a monster.

Becoming a vampire didn't
rob you of your humanity

as much as your own
willingness to betray it did.

My whole life was in front
of me, and it got taken away!

Okay.

What were you gonna do
with your life anyway?

Hey! That's us you're talking about.

You don't think I know that?

Every time you ruin
something for yourself,

you've ruined it for me too.

I didn't mean to!

It's just when the family left, I stayed

because I wanted to be someone else.

Yeah, the cool, slick,

swashbuckling hero of his own story.

No, only Keanu Reeves can do that.

He's amazing.

He's so cool.

Ugh, why... why do I feel guilty,

knowing that I ruined your
life when your life is my life?

I don't make the rules.

Truth?

You weren't ever gonna
change on your own.

You were given a gift.

But you were too weak to honor it,

too cowardly to own it,

and too proud to learn from it.

You could have explored
how being a vampire

made you a better person.

But instead, you used it to lie,

to murder, to feed your
own ego and addiction.

You try being a vampire
and see how that goes!

You didn't do that
because you were a vampire.

You did those things
because you're an asshole.

I heard that.

So what do I do now?

That first night, you
prayed for a refund,

a lucky break.

And believe it or not, you got one.

I'm gonna have to pray again?

It can't hurt.

Ugh.

Dear God

and/or grown-up baby Jesus,

I have to go back to the beginning.

Please, God, or grown-up baby Jesus...

Let me be human again.

I don't want to be a monster anymore.

Let me be the man I was meant to be.

Let me be the man that Sarah deserves.

Amen.

Oh.

I was hoping we'd run
into each other again.

Trail of bread crumbs, am I right?

Look, you're gonna lead
me to... whoa, okay, okay.

Look, I know you can't
hear me or whatever,

but what you're about to do, I beg you,

please, don't do it.

Leave Abraham alone.

I am never gonna get used to that.

Maurice?

Reggie.

Reggie. Reggie, where are you going?

To stop Stanley from killing

the only person who can help me.

No, no, no, we need to talk, man.

You missed the assessment, okay?

No one misses the damn assessment.

Everyone you know had
a target on their back.

Logan the Defecator
canceled his travel plans!

You have any idea how many
hoops I had to jump through

just to fix that?

I begged for mercy, man,
and I do not like to beg.

Nicely spun, okay?

Chilled to the bone. But you know what?

I don't have enough time to be having

another visitation from
ghosts of Christmas present,

past, or whoever you are.

Stanley!

Wait! Don't do it! Please!

All right, who's Stanley?

And I'm not a damn ghost.

No ghost.

Just me.

So you're not a projection
of my subconscious mind

who thinks I'm an asshole?

I'm not a projection.

I see what you did there.

Well, the way you've been acting lately,

it's sort of hard not to think...

Are you really you?

Yeah.

In the flesh.

You would not believe
the shit I've seen.

Hey, that's not how elevators operate.

It brought me this far.
It can send me to him.

But how exactly does that work?

I'm thinking blind faith,
but that's just a guess.

How did you even get in here?

I took the stairs.

I passed the test,
so you didn't have to?

What about the ballroom?

The bartender? Jenkins?

Look, I don't know what
you're talking about,

but we need to get home now.

I can't.

Stanley may be a figment of the past,

but I have to try and stop
him before he kills Abraham.

- The Abraham?
- It's a long story.

But the assessment's in five days, man,

and they're not gonna reschedule again.

We need to get back home.

Begging for mercy was a one-time deal.

I'm not gonna do the assessment.

- You don't have a choice.
- Sure I do.

If I'm not a vampire anymore,

there's no reason for me to take it.

- What the hell will you be?
- Human!

That's why I'm here...

to ask Abraham to make me human again.

Reggie, look, one thing I can
guarantee you is that no one,

not even Abraham, can do that, okay?

He's not the Wizard of Oz.

He's not God.

The Wizard of Oz was a congenial fraud.

But God's on the menu?

I may have sent out a prayer.

You said you were an atheist.

I changed my mind!

Maurice, I just...

I want to believe in
something bigger than myself...

greater!

You'll never find yourself that way.

I don't know what else to do.

Change your point of view.

Okay, look inside.

I already know what's inside...

a vicious, lying, bloodsucking monster.

Hey, nobody's perfect, okay?

But that doesn't mean you can't...

Maurice?

I... I think we have company.

That is some strange shit, man.

A lot of strange shit has
been happening tonight.

I don't know whether to fight them

or to give them Halloween candy.

They're not what they look like.

Cliches that make the
rest of us look ridiculous?

Ever since I got here,

this place has been
trying to get rid of me.

Attacking me like a virus.

At first, it was white blood cells.

But now it looks like they're
bringing out the big guns.

They're not vampires.

They're the badasses
of white blood cells.

- They're monocytes.
- Okay, then.

What's the plan?

Elevator.

You've gotta be kidding me.

40 whatchamacallit-cytes on one hand

and a burning hellfire on that?

What is funny to you?

- It's an obstacle.
- No shit!

Why would it present itself
if it can't be overcome?

No, no, I'm gonna hate

what you're thinking
right now, aren't I?

- Blind faith.
- That's crazy.

Crazy, but it's the only way out...

or in, or up.

I don't know, Reggie.

Trust me.

You just pulled me into hellfire, man!

Blind faith! We took
a leap and we survived!

No, don't ever do that to me again.

Don't worry, I'm pretty sure
hellfire is a one-time thing.

There he is!

- There who is?
- Stanley!

We have to stop him
before he kills Abraham.

Wait, you mean Abraham's really here?

We're too late.

It already happened.

Stanley was just a
ghost on a memory loop?

Abraham never had a chance.

I don't know, man.

I mean, he's still here.

He's not dust.

Shh.

Listen.

He's alive!

Yo, he stopped the stake
before it hit his heart.

Damn!

That's... that's skill, man.

He didn't just stop his own murder.

He stopped time.

He made all these
obstacles to protect himself

while he was waiting for...

What? The chosen one?

A hero.

That's what Jenkins said.

Maurice, it's you.

You're the hero!

Nah.

Nah, I don't think so, Reggie.

You are! You must be!

Take the stake out of his chest.

It's the only way to save him.

Look, there's no guarantee
that if I take the stake...

Please!

Shit.

Nah, that's not...
that's not gonna budge.

Try it again. Put your heart in it.

No, I'm sorry, man, that's...

that thing is buried
in stone or something.

Another dead end.

Literally.

Hey.

You said there's obstacles, right?

But you overcame them all?

Yeah, only to fail.

It's like the story of my life.

But you write your own story.

Props for the positive thinking.

You need Abraham, right?

And Abraham needs a hero.

Okay, I'm with you so far.

It's you!

Me? What?

Reggie, you're the hero.

No, I keep telling everyone,

I am not a hero!

How do you think you made it this far?

You can do this, man.

I know you can.

Yeah, you did it!

You did it, man! You really did it!

You are the hero!

Or, in fairness, just a gifted amateur

who was at the right
place at the right...

Whoo!

Now that was a trip.

Your voice.

It was in Jenkins,
and the bartender too.

Just a couple beacons
from my subconscious mind.

So the ballroom, the
bartender, the corridor,

that was all you?

If you're gonna have a security system,

might as well make it interesting.

But stopping time?

I mean, that's a whole
new ballpark for vampires.

Guess that's what makes me a legend.

But vampire is only half my story.

You want a drink?

I'm parched.

No.

Rum it is.

Okay, so if "vampire"
is only half the story,

what's the other half?

Ah!

Whoo!

I'm what you call a Nephilim.

Half vampire, half archangel.

So I got an extra
"whoo-whoo" in the tank,

if you know what I mean.

How is that possible?
Like, angels and vampires...

You boys are familiar
with the big book, yeah?

The Bible?

That's the one.

But there's a few
details that got left out,

redacted by the faithful.

See, there are two brothers, right?

Cain and Abel.

Always wanted what the other got.

So Cain slew Abel.

But that's not the end of the story.

See, God had some feelings about that.

So he went ahead and resurrected Abel.

And what did Abel do
with his resurrected life?

He just went ahead and killed Cain.

So God, pretty good guy on all accounts,

he decided to resurrect Cain,

like he did his brother, Abel.

And what did he get for his good deed?

An endless cycle of
murder and resurrection,

which became a pain in God's ass!

So God,

problem-solver of the first order,

divided the world.

He gave Abel the light

and Cain the dark.

That's how vampires were born.

Creatures of the night,

descendants of the first killer.

And humans were the descendants
of Abel, the first victim.

Story as old as time.

So what are you gonna do now?

I'm thinking Florida.

Hey, trust me.

You don't want to go there.

Still works.

Sweet.

♪ Ooh-hoo ♪

What about Logan the Capricious?

That asshole still around?

He took your seat on the council,

and he tried to murder you.

Yeah, dude's pretty messed up.

But politics ain't for me.

Too dirty.

It'll make a monster out of you.

I think I'm gonna travel.

Venice still above sea level?

Yeah, it's hanging on by a thread.

Sounds like I'm gon' get me on a plane.

Feed them pigeons
that perch on your arm.

Whoo!

I love that shit.

But before I do,

you saved me from an eternity
of my own self-imprisonment.

Tell me, Reginald, how
may I be of service?

I want you to make me human again.

Aww, shoot, dude.

Dude!

Dude!

Dude.

Dude.

Now, I'm the closest thing
to a god as they come,

except for the actual G-O-D himself,

but that request you're asking
is way above my pay grade.

Wait, wait, wait.

You can't help me?

Not with that, no.

I... I came here for nothing.

Define "nothing."

Well...

Pulling a sword from
a stone isn't nothing,

historically speaking.

And all those obstacles you beat,

no one's ever beat them ever.

And sure, life is gonna
test you, again and again,

but I'm pretty sure you're
ready to pass every one.

Look, I appreciate the pep talk,

but I don't usually test well.

Now, I've met a lot
of vampires in my day,

but I haven't met anyone like you.

Not once.

And I know a thing or two
about that kind of difference.

Hmm.

Hey, bright side,

you kind of sucked at the whole
"being human" thing anyways.

Whoa.

And it turns out that
you might actually be

the special kind of vampire after all.

Like the motherfucking kind?

Hey. I told you from day one.

Maurice.

Yeah?

You need to know, your
mom and your family,

they're in a good place.

Thank you.

Thank you, Abraham.

You're my hero.

You ever need anything, I got you.

Rock on, Reggie!

Go on with your bad self!

Maurice, you take care of him now!

Whoo-whoo!

Whoo, it's good to be back!

I'm ready to go home, Maurice.

There's amends to be made

and mistakes to be corrected,

but I'm ready to face any challenge

with a strong heart and a steady hand.

That's impressive,

even if a little over the top.

And look, um, I'm happy you
got your groove back, man.

But Reggie, we still got
the assessment to deal with

when we get back home.

It's all copacetic.

You know, it's all heaven-sent.

It's all deeply as it should be.

You sound just like Abraham.

I love that big dude!

Reggie, look, I believe
you can pull this off.

Well, I believe there's a chance anyway,

but I gotta be honest,

we are probably both gonna end up dead.

What is it with you?

Always with the dark side.

Nah.

Nah, man, I'm just trying to keep it

as real as possible, okay?

I'm your biggest fan, and you know that.

- I just...
- You know what it is?

You're a dad.

Like, you're totally a dad.

Well, don't worry, Pops.

I got you.

I'll think of something.

It's what I do.

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