All language subtitles for MASH [2x01] - Divided We Stand

♪♪♪ (theme)

The American military
presence in Korea

is unlike any in
our nation's history.

Our troops are
fighting side by side

with 17 other
United Nations forces.

All in all,
a very unique situation.

But I can tell you
one group

that may be suffering
an adverse effect‐‐

the 4077 MASH.

I've been getting reports

that treating casualties
so close to the front

is beginning
to take its toll.

Now, I'm gonna send you
up to that unit

for the purpose of conducting
a psychiatric evaluation.

Your recommendation
will determine

if they are to be disbanded

and its members
shipped to other units.

GENERAL: The 4077
is under the command

of Lieutenant Colonel
Henry Blake.

A fine surgeon, Henry.

A fair‐to‐middling
administrator.

Blake's people are
very devoted to him,

and I must say, he is
highly thoughtful of them.

Morning, Henry.

Good morning, dear!
Morning.

Oh.

That will be
two kisses, please.

Here you go.

Hmm, and here's
your change.

Blake's, uh, company clerk

is a, uh, Corporal
Radar O'Reilly.

There are times,
I must confess,

when it seems Henry Blake
is Corporal O'Reilly's clerk.

Sign these, sir.

What am I signing,
Radar?

Well, this is a request
to rectify

last week's supply foul‐up
from Quartermaster Corps.

Was there another foul‐up
in Quartermaster last week??

In duplicate
and triplicate, sir.

Uh, yes, sir.

They, uh, sent 2,000
specimen cups by mistake.

2,000.

They came in the same order
as the 400 breast pumps.

That's an awful lot of‐‐

A lot of breast pumps,
yes, sir.

If you'd just
initial this, please.

‐Just initial?
‐The initial signifies

that you signed
instead of initialed it.

Thank you.

(fishing line unreels)

Then there's the chief
nurse of the 4077,

Major Margaret Houlihan.

An angel of mercy,
Major Houlihan.

A woman dedicated to
giving relief to others.

Oh, Margaret.

That's delicious.

Major Frank Burns is
the unit's ranking surgeon.

A very competent doctor,

but a bit of a prude,
if you should ask me.

Margaret, when you touch me,

my knees turn to pudding.

‐Do they?
‐Yes.

(giggling)

Frank, I'll get all messy.

You're going to need a bath,
you naughty girl.

(burbling)

Major Burns billets
with two other doctors‐‐

captains both‐‐

Pierce and Mclntyre.

Two exceptionally
qualified surgeons,

but in their off‐hours,

their antics can
become quite antic.

Separately,
they're a handful.

Who rewrote
these Commandments?

‐Hawkeye, don't.
‐I can't help it.

Even as a child, I used
to play with my food.

Together, Pierce and Mclntyre
make a remarkable pair.

(wind howling)

Gimme three.

Mm‐hmm.

Uh, two, please.

Everybody ready?

Two kings.

Three 3s.

‐Full house.
‐Ahh!

Pay up!

Turn your back.

Hee hee! Hee hee!

My concern
is that the 4077

is operating under more
pressure than it can stand.

More and more, we're forced
to use green troops,

and green troops have a way
of turning hospitals

into standing room only.

Hot stuff!
This one's been shot.

Come on, this guy's
still breathing.
Get your butt over here.

MARGARET:
I need some help.
Pull this for me.

Are you clean?
Pull that.

MARGARET: I need
some more sponges.

‐Get your longfingers.
‐Longfingers.

‐Gimme the clamp.
‐Clamp.

We're getting close,
Pierce.

‐We're getting close.
‐Grab that bowel, Henry.

Wait a minute, will ya?

I don't think
he's got a minute.

Come on, more
lap sponges, damn it.

Can we watch our
language, please?

Look, Frank, any time
you want to kick me out

of this country club,
I'll second your blackball.

Can we watch
our language, please?

Pierce, you do good work.

Oh, yeah, another
three or four wars,

I'll be sensational.

All right, we're about
to button this kid up.

Let's get the next one
in here‐‐ Let's move it!

(chatter)

‐(tires screech)
‐Stop!

What happened?

Phosphorous burns.

Water, copper sulfate, quick!

How do they ship
a kid like this?

They put him out once.

The breeze in the chopper
started it up again.

‐Get some water on there.
‐Out of the way.

Get the fire out first, boys.
Get the fire out first.

All right, move him
in there. Let's go!

I'll take care
of this myself.

Let's go. Get him
inside. Hurry up.

Klinger!

I told you to get
out of those clothes.

Not till I'm discharged, sir.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

You'll get your dress dirty.

As a psychiatrist,
you'll be able to tell

whether the 4077 can still
function as a team.

And for your purposes,
it might be best to reveal

the true nature
of your mission

only to Colonel Blake.

Break us up?

But you can't
break us up.

I mean, we've been
together so long,

we're like a family.

Well, families
go their separate ways

sometimes, Colonel.

Children grow up, leave.

I understand.

I mean, uh...

I mean, you're not gonna
write down everything

I say to you, are you?

I have a report
to make, sir.

Oh, of course.

‐Like a brandy, Captain?
‐No, thanks.

Gin? Scotch? Rye? Beer?
I've got it all.

Don't get the idea
that I drink.

I mean, it's just that,
uh, you know, uh, the‐‐

Now, every now and then,
there's a lot of pressure

around here, and, uh,
you know, just‐‐

I mean, not that there's
a lot of pressure

or anything like that.

I mean, it's just that
every now and then, uh,

say, like your least
little pressure,

what'll build up
to the point where there's

an incredible amount
of pressure around here.

Radar!

Would you bring in
some brandy, please?

I thought you might
like some brandy.

That'd be real nice.

Um, Captain Hildebrand
doesn't care for any.

Oh, then I won't
bring his glass in.

(nervous laughter)

Great little kidder,
that one.

But a crackerjack clerk.

Well, look,
you just tell me

who it is you want
to interview,

and, um, he'll, uh,
line 'em all up for you.

Yeah, well,
my orders are to make

discreet observations,
Colonel.

There will be
no interviews.

Gee whiz,
I'd sure like to know

what put this bee
in General Clayton's bonnet.

I mean, the 4077 is one
of the most committed,

responsible bunch of people

I've ever had the privilege
of being associated with.

‐(phone ringing)
‐Ah, excuse me.

Hey‐oh.

Yeah, well, show him in.

I mean, we have
really got some‐‐

Morning, sir.

The X‐rays for the patient

with the phosphorus
burns, sir.

Oh, uh,
thank you, Klinger.

Will that be all, sir?

That's more than
enough, Klinger.

I can explain that.

So can I.

I mean, it's not
what it looks like.

Well, what do you
think it looks like?

Well, I think
it looks terrible.

Well, then, that's
what it looks like.

Oh, the‐there's nothing
wrong with Klinger.

I mean, uh,
he goes out with girls.

He must be stealing
their clothes.

Naw, he's just bucking for
a discharge, that's all.

He wants out on a psycho.

You know, it's logical.

Psycho.

I'm familiar with
the word, Colonel.

Oh, of course.

Of course. (chuckling)

Well, I'd like to get
started in the morning

with a first‐stage view.

Let me get the billeting
on that for you.

Uh, Radar?

Would you, uh‐‐

Uh, Captain Hildebrand
is gonna spend a day‐‐

‐Or two.
‐Or two.

He's gonna spend,
uh, some time with us

‐before he leaves.
‐Yes, sir.

Um, so would you please
assign him to the VD tent?

‐I mean the VID tent‐‐
‐Follow me, sir.

the PIV tent‐‐ the P‐‐

‐HILDEBRAND: Colonel.
‐Yo!

Remember, Colonel.

Not a word.
You have my word.

Yes, sir.

Hawkeye.

Captain?

She seemed more like
a lieutenant to me.

Captain, it's me‐‐ Radar.
You've gotta get up.

Get out of here, Radar,

or I'll sever every nerve
in your butt.

It's Colonel Blake.
He says it's urgent.

What is it, a patient?

No, just the colonel.
He needs you in the shower.

You'd think he'd be
old enough to know

where everything is.

All I know is he
says it's important.

Trapper?

Trapper? Trap‐‐

(gasping)

(laughter)

Look, okay, I know
it's dumb to be in here,

but Clayton sent
this joker Hildebrand

to spy on us,

and I figured the shower
was the safest place to meet.

‐Right?
‐Absolutely.

Nobody ever
comes in here.

‐To cover our voices.
‐What?

To cover our‐‐

Henry, you got a case
of galloping paranoia.

Never mind. Now look,

I'm the only one who knows
this guy's a psychiatrist.

And you still got
the guts to wear that?

Pierce, can you
lay off the wisecracks

for just five minutes?

Oh, he always acts funny
in a men's shower.

Look, what I'm
asking you guys is‐‐

make that commanding.

Keep it "asking."

It's to, for Pete's sake,
stop acting like a couple

of horse's patoots
while Hildebrand is here,

or, sure as God made
little green apples,

he's gonna break us up,

and I don't think any of us
really want that to happen.

I mean, as screwy
as this outfit is,

better the devil
you know, right?

You got our word, Henry.

‐Right?
‐Yeah.

‐Promise?
‐Promise.

Thanks.

‐Henry?
‐Yeah?

Your fly is closed.

MARGARET: Yes?

‐Major?
‐Who is it?

It's me‐‐ Henry Blake.

Just a minute.

Go‐‐

(clatter)

Come in, Colonel.

Hi.

Oh, we were just, um,

going over tomorrow's
duty roster.

The one on my desk?

He means yesterday's
duty roster tomorrow.

Never mind.

I've got something
serious to discuss.

‐Sir!
‐Well, what is it? I‐‐

A Captain Hildebrand
showed up today

from headquarters
in Seoul.

He's a psychiatrist,

and he's here on
Clayton's orders.

Now, it is my guess
that someone in this unit

has been ratfinking to
the general on the sly.

It wasn't me.

Anyway, it's my duty to.

There's nothing
wrong with reporting

the unmilitary posture
of your command, Colonel.

Just let me remind you,
Mrs. MacArthur,

that if this unit
gets split up,

it might just happen
that we all get split up,

which means that you
and Dr. Burns here

will have to stop practicing
medicine together

and whatever else it is
you've been practicing.

‐Uh, sir‐‐
‐What the hell?

I'm sorry.
Uh, everything's
taken care of.

‐The fix is in.
‐Good.

Uh, everybody's agreed

to, uh, behave themselves
in front of Captain Hildebrand

and to make the place
look real GI.

‐Very, very good.
‐Oh, I took all‐‐

I want every golf club
out of this place.

...the golf clubs,
and I hid them.

And then sewed up the hole
in the nurse's tent,

and I took Klinger's bras,
and I burned them all.

HENRY:
I am freezing.

RADAR:
Are you cold?

♪♪♪ (Reveille on recording)

(record skipping)

Hey, somebody give
the place a shove.

(record scratching)

♪♪♪ (Reveille continues)

What is that?

I think this motel
is surrounded by soldiers.

It's disgusting that you
sleep in your underwear.

Beats sleeping in yours.

Listen, Frank, we're all
gonna make nice

for Captain Hildebrand today,
but don't push us.

Well, a shave wouldn't
be a bad start.

You both look more like
bums than doctors.

Actually,
I was, uh, I was thinking
of becoming a bum doctor,

but the proctology
class was full.

Ha‐ha‐ha.

What is that?

What is that what, Frank?

Why is someone's
appendix in this boot?

Because the other one
is full of tonsils.

Uh, Captain!
Captain Hildebrand.

‐Good morning.
‐Good morning.

‐How about some breakfast?
‐Good idea.

Before our really very typical
day starts around here?

Uh, good idea.

MAN (over P. A.):
Attention, all personnel.

Colonel Blake,
at 16‐‐ uh, 1700 hours,

will deliver
his weekly lecture.

Tonight's subject will be

"Togetherness."

The "Togetherness"
lecture will be followed

by a talk on the perils
of trench mouth.

I'll have two scrambled
powdered eggs

and a slice of
World War II surplus bread,

and don't make it tasty.

GINGER:
I'd like some coffee.

Wouldn't we all?

Here we go.
Uh, Pierce, Mclntyre,

I'd like you to meet,
uh, Captain Hildebrand.

He's here to, um,
to observe.

Your surgical technique.

Oh, really?
You got a specialty?

Uh, gynecology.

Ear, nose and throat.

Well, you were
close, Henry.

Um, mind if we join you?

We were gonna
join the nurses.

Yeah, we were gonna join them
and make one big nurse.

(nervous laughter)

Hey, Frank, care for
a little company, buddy, hmm?

Plenty of room
for everyone.

Thanks, pal.

Can I have the salt
down there, uh, buddy?

Hey, listen, could you take it
easy with the buddy talk?

I've got a weak stomach.

Thanks.

Oh, uh, Major Burns,
general surgeon,

Captain Hildebrand,
nose, throat, and bloomers.

Hey, Frank, I took
a look at that kid

whose bowel you resected
this morning.

That was some job.

Well, what was
wrong with it?

Not a thing.

You oughta put your monogram
on that scar, Frank.

That was a thing
of beauty.

Well, I don't like to brag,
but that is my specialty.

Oh, I mean to tell you.

One look, and I can see
your hand all over that gut.

Uh, Colonel, uh, may I
have the butter, please?

‐Henry?
‐Hmm?

The butter?

Oh, here you go,
Piercintyre.

(cough)
Excuse me.

The men are
always complimenting
each other's work.

We're thinking of going
into practice together

when we get home,
isn't that right, Trap?

Yeah, we're gonna
open our own clinic,

the three of us.

That's right, the three
of us war buddies

would run the place.

Frank would
park the cars.

Great, great leg‐pullers,
these guys.

(all laughing)

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Is there room
for one more?

Well, Captain Hildebrand,
this is Major Houlihan.

‐How do you do?
‐I'm delighted to meet you.

She's our head nurse.
Best one in Korea.

Every nurse I've ever known

takes a back seat
to the Major.

‐Well...
‐And you're talking to a man

who's taken a lot of nurses
into back seats.

‐Miss Scarlett.
‐Thank you, Captain Pierce.

Oh. Pass the, uh, butter,
will you, Pierce?

Thank you.

One big, happy family,
aren't we?

Well... mm‐hmm.

♪♪♪ WOMAN: (singing "Hi Lili,
Hi Lo" in Korean on radio)

MARGARET: Who is it?
Who‐‐

(banging on door)

(chatter)

MAN (on P. A.):
Attention, please.

Immediately following
Mass this Sunday,

Yom Kippur services
will be held

for all Jewish personnel
of the Hebrew faith.

HILDEBRAND:
Childish, not childlike,

with its connotations
of innocence

and joyous abandon,
but childish.

You delight
in petty bickering,

summer‐camp capers,

and, in general,
behave in a manner

ill‐befitting officers
in the United States Army,

and members of
the medical profession.

It is to some degree
understandable.

You are, after all, only three
miles from the front.

You would not be
the first people to crack

under the stress of war.

I resent that, Captain!

I, for one, have not
cracked because of the war.

‐That's true, Captain.
‐Thank you, Pierce.

Frank showed up here cracked,

with a Bible in one hand
and a pair of shorts

that said "Hold me"
in the other.

‐Pierce!
‐Oh, come on, Henry,
the party's over.

Now, listen, don't you
pay any attention to‐‐

No, he's right, Colonel.

Even tipping them off
couldn't keep them

from behaving the way
they really feel.

How would you feel, Captain,
if you were forced to serve

alongside a pair
of medical misfits?

¡Olé!

And this one has
no respect for decency.

He turns everything
into a hollow mockery.

That's a lie.

I've never once taken out
the insides of a mockery.

He's right, Captain.
They're both impossible.

You stay out of this,
Hot Lips,

or I'll stop selling
tickets to your shower day.

(stomping)

(stomping)

All right. Steady, people.

You are no gentlemen.

Good thing you are.

How d‐‐

"I d‐d‐‐"

Uh...

While you're writing,
make note of the fact

that thanks to the failure

of the world's
various elected heads,

not to mention just
plain dictators,

to keep a Cold War
from turning hot,

I am forced to operate
alongside a surgeon

who can't trim his toenails

without committing
malpractice.

I resent that.

How do you know
he meant you?

Well, who else?
I mean, uh...

Uh, Captain, we're not
as bad as we seem.

There isn't a nurse in camp
they haven't tried to molest!

Except the male ones.

Speak for yourself.

(inaudible)

That one spies on everybody!

Now, dear, he is our son.

‐He is not!
‐Sir‐‐

Radar, what the hell is it?

Choppers. More wounded.

(helicopters whirling)

‐(chatter)
‐NURSE: We need
some sponges here.

Okay, who ordered
the pepperoni pizza?

FRANK: I need
some plasma over here.

HAWKEYE:
What's going on here?

Come on, give me
the longfingers.

How's it going, Frank?

He's fine, young.

MARGARET: We need some
more light, please.

HAWKEYE:
No, it's not the light.
It's the blood.

Everything okay, Pierce?

Could you get somebody
to give us some sponges here?

‐You got it.
‐Sponge.

Sponges are here.

Henry! I got a lot
of bleeding here.

Give me some help.

Nurse, gown and gloves,
on the double.

(chatter)

HAWKEYE: Clamp.

MARGARET: Clamp.

FRANK: Okay, now watch
that, watch that.

HAWKEYE: This is no good.
Give me some suction.

I need some suction here.

‐MARGARET: Suction.
‐Clean it out in there.

‐NURSE: Clamp?
‐HAWKEYE: Clamp.

That's better. I can
see a little better.

FRANK: On the sutures.

‐(chatter)
‐Captain, excuse me.

Yeah, how are you?
Gimme, uh, gimme, uh,

scissors and pickups.

‐Scissors. Pickups.
‐All right.

Okay, that's better.
Now we're cooking.

Here we go.

MARGARET: Clamp.

‐NURSE: Clamp.
‐HAWKEYE: Yeah.

TRAPPER: Look at this.

FRANK:
Okay, we may need some‐‐

HENRY:
How did Notre Dame do?

Okay, sew him up
and give him his bill.

Ohh.

Oh. Ooh. Boy.

Come on, let's go.

Ten‐hut!

Thought I might have a word
with Captain Hildebrand.

Oh, uh,
Captain Brildehand‐‐

Hil‐Hildebrand.
Yes, sir.

Uh, well, I don't know
where he is.

He's, um, he's probably
at the, um, um‐‐

HAWKEYE:
Over here!

Mon général.

GENERAL:
Captain Hildebrand!

These guys make a gin

that can melt your dog tags.

It's from a recipe
first brewed

in Hermann Goering's navel

and handed down
from war to war.

You had a mission,
Captain.

Oh, I've done it.

I can give you
your report.

In my short stay here,

I have seen
textbook examples

of neuroses, psychoses.

I have seen voyeurism,
fetishism,

and a few "isms"
I've never even
heard of.

And let me tell you
this, General.

These impossible people
are in an impossible place

doing totally
impossible work.

They're mad, quite mad,
all of them,

and the only act I can
think of that would be
madder still

would be breaking them up.

Well, we did it again.

Screwed up in reverse.

We'll never get
out of here.

Um, have a drink, General?

It's 8:00
in the morning.

Well, I'd like to propose
a little toast.

Well...

Are you still in
the same tent?

Uh, no, sir, they moved me
out just after the first‐‐

Here we go, General.

Finest kind.

MAN (on P. A.):
Attention.

Be sure to follow
the zany antics

of our combat surgeons

as they cut
and stitch their way

along the front lines,

operating as bombs‐‐

operating as bombs and bullets
burst around them,

snatching laughs and love

between amputations
and penicillin.

Follow Hawkeye Pierce...

TrapperJohn Mclntyre...

Henry Blake...

Hot Lips Houlihan...

Frank Burns...

Radar O'Reilly...

and Corporal Klinger.

♪♪♪ (theme)