All language subtitles for Carry.On.Matron.1972.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

There it is, Finisham hospital.

Our next job.
A maternity hospital?

That's it. Headquarters
of the famous Pudding Club.

What have they got to nick in there?

Pills.
Pills?

Not just ordinary pills. THE pill.

They've got hundreds of thousands
of them in there.

In a maternity hospital?

Bit like closing the stable door
after the horse has gone.

No, they're just stored there for
use in the family planning clinics.

Dad, if they're handing them out
free, what will you make
out of them?

Nothing here, son. But I know
a couple of countries that will take
as many as they can get

and pay a bloody fortune for them!

TANNOY: Dr Prodd!
Dr Prodd to Casualty, please.

Miss Willing, so you're leaving us.

Yeah. Not exactly empty-handed
neither.

Oh, now, now. You mustn't be bitter
about it.

You have a beautiful baby there.

I wish I had one like it.

Yes, if you run into the same bloke
as I did, you can have one.

Who's this, then?
That's Sir Bernard Cutting.

The head chopper.

Ah, another angel leaving the fold.

Let me have a last look
at the little chirp.

You can have him for keeps
as far as I'm concerned.

Careful, my dear!
I might take you up on that.

He's a splendid little fellow.

(CRIES)
Yes, he is!

Oh... I think you can
have him back now.

Again? That's the fifth
this morning.

He must have a leak.
I think he's just had one.

Good morning, Sir Bernard.
Morning, Arthur.

Morning, Sir Bernard. How are you?

I'm all right.
Good.

Why shouldn't I be?
I look all right?

You've never looked better,
Sir Bernard.

Then why did you ask me how I was?

No particular reason. Just with
all this Asian flu about...

What Asian flu?

It's only what I read in the papers.

You can't believe a thing
you read in the papers!

Asian flu indeed!

What a lot of rubbish!

Would you like to do the rounds now,
Sir Bernard?

What? No. No, I can't be bothered
with all that today.

I don't feel well enough.
I think I've got Asian flu.

Poor Sir Bernard. He's only got to
read of some complaint and
he's convinced he's got it.

I wonder if he's read
Gone With The Wind.

H... I...

Influenza, Asian.

Asian flu. Highly infectious virus
disease, often resulting in death.
And...

Death?!

Symptoms.

Fever, dizziness, rapid pulse,

yellowing of the eyeballs.

(WHISTLE)

Any news yet, then?

Oh, Mr Tidey. Are you still here?

Of course I'm still here. I've been
here since 10:42 last night.

I should know. I'd just seen
the 10:17 off to Reading.

Did you indeed?
Yeah.

Stopping at all stations
except Eton and Twyford.

Quite. Haven't you
had your baby yet?

Of course I haven't. I wouldn't be
still here, would I?

Here, what's gone wrong?
What's happened?

Perhaps we're running a little late,
Mr Tidey!

I can't hang around here.
I've got work to do, you know.

I'm going round the wards.
I'll find out what the situation is.

Tell her I've been hanging around
all bloomin' night!

Tell her to get her finger out!

You wait here. I'll case the joint.

Morning.
Visiting?

I'm not producing!

Are you expecting a baby, or what?

Definitely a baby.
I don't like whats.

The waiting room is over there.
Thank you.

If it's a boy, I'll name him Happy
after you.

Bye!

Blimey, she looked upset, doc!

I'm not surprised. I just told her
she was pregnant.

Is she really?
No, but it cured her hiccups.

Excuse me!
Er... Yes?

Are you expectant
or have you had it?

No, but if you can spare the time...

Wait in there, please.
Thank you.

Are they seeing for you?
That's right.

Don't mean anything. Last two weeks,
it's happened to me nine times.

All I've had so far
is a cup of tea and a biscuit.

It's not good enough, mate.
If I were you, I'd tell them
to forget it.

Forget it?
Cancel the whole thing.

But we've done it, haven't we?

How can you cancel it?

Tell them you've changed your mind.

Whaay!

Has she had it, then?

Uh...

Could you get me the Guinness
Book Of Records, please?

To... Oh! Hm!

Whaay! Hmmph.

Oop!

Good morning, Nurse Ball.
Good morning, Matron.

Where's Sister?
In Delivery, Matron.

Mrs Hodgkiss has just gone in.
Good. What about Mrs Tidey?

Afraid not. She's back here again.

Another false alarm, Mrs Tidey?
Afraid so, Matron.

I reckon it was just wind again.

I wouldn't be at all surprised.

You're three weeks overdue.

Your husband is getting
very impatient.

Him? He can talk!

Took him seven years
to get me pregnant.

Now I am, I'm going to enjoy myself.

If nothing happens soon, we must
think about inducing labour.

Just to please him? It's only
a bit over nine months.

He should be thankful
I'm not an elephant.

I'm sure we're all very thankful
for that, Mrs Tidey.

(CRYING)

Stop being silly, Mrs Pullitt.
Your baby is perfectly all right.

He's not! He's not!

What's the matter, Nurse?
It's nothing, Matron.

What do you mean, nothing? There's
something wrong with him.

Nonsense, Mrs Pullitt.
You have a fine little boy.

Take a look at his little thing,
then.

His what? Oh.

I can't see anything
wrong with that.

It's all bent to one side.

(ZOING!)

Don't you worry, Mrs Pullitt.
We'll have everything straightened
out before you leave us.

How the hell
can we change our minds?

You can't undo what's already
been done, can you?

What's been done, then?
She has.

Has she?
She's over nine months gone!

Don't worry, mate. She'll come back.

How the flamin' hell
can you come back?

Matron!

Well, what's happened?

It was another false alarm,
Mr Tidey.

You may as well go back to work.
Go back to work?

It was due three weeks ago!

I'm sorry, Mr Tidey, but babies tend
to arrive when they feel like it.

There's nothing we can do about it.

That's a fine state of affairs!

We'd soon be in a right old mess
if we ran the railways like that.

I was under the impression
that you did.

Can I help you at all?
Er...

No, thank you.
I'm just passing the time.

Are you awaiting a birth?
Yes, that's it.

Who are you?
The father. I hope.

What name is it?
Name?

What's your name?
Oh, my name!

Er... I...

That's funny. I know I had one
when I came in here.

Hang on, let me think.

Mr Hodgkiss?
That's it, Hodgkiss. That's me.

Congratulations, Mr Hodgkiss.

Your wife's had twin boys.

Get away!

That's very nice.
Thank you very much.

Thank you, too.

I'll be pushing off, then.
Don't you want to see them?

Or your wife?
No, not just now.

I've got the girlfriend
waiting outside.

That will do, Sister.

Get moving!
What's the rush, Dad?

I've just become the father of
twins! Congratulations.

Oh, shut up. Hurry up!

Did you find out
where they keep the pills?

No, didn't have time.
I reckon I know how to now.

Son, you're going to go to work
at last.

Dad, couldn't you possibly
manage without me?

You're getting on. You've got
to start work some time.

The fact is, I've had
this offer of a job. In insurance.

He wants to go straight
before he's even been crooked.

He doesn't mean it.
Of course not.

Yes, I do.
He does.

Good job your mother isn't around
to hear you say that.

You promised on her deathbed
that you'd work with your father.

I was six years old at the time.
Son, I'm depending on you.

You're the only bloke who could do
what I've got in mind.

If you really mean that, I suppose -
That's my boy.

What do you want me to do?

If I could get somebody into this
hospital officially, they'd be able
to nose about a bit.

You mean me.
You got it.

Dad, it's a maternity hospital!
No, not as a patient.

Thank goodness for that.
As a nurse.

(HORN)

Your pulse is all right,
Sir Bernard.

Strong?
Oh, definitely strong.

And that's all right, too.
Normal?!

Wonderfully normal.

It wasn't half an hour ago!
I was right up!

You ask Miss Banks. Wasn't I, dear?

Yes, yes.

I can assure you, whatever else
you may have,

it certainly is not Asian flu.

Of course not!

I knew that! I could have told you!

What do you mean about
whatever else I might have had?

You were probably suffering from
some slight digestive upset
or something.

How are your bowels?

My bowels?! They're perfectly
all right. Why bring them into it?

As you well know, Sir Bernard,
irregularity can cause
slight fever symptoms.

I'm not irregular!

I'll have you know
I'm one of the most regular fellows
in the business!

As long as you have no pain
or discomfort.

Certainly not. Now if you'll kindly
both stop fussing and go,
I have work to do!

Very well, Sir Bernard.

Oh, there was one small problem,
Sir Bernard.

Yes, yes, what is it?

Mrs Tidey in Bunn ward.
Yes, what about her?

She's three weeks over her time and
maybe we ought to consider
bringing it on.

Bring it on? Bring what on?

The birth.
Bring it on, bring it off!

What do I care?!

Really, Sir Bernard.

Can't anyone else make a decision
around here?

Ask Dr Prodd. I've got far more
important things to worry about.

Very well, Sir Bernard.

And if you'll take my advice, you'll
lie down and have a good rest!

I don't need a rest!

I am perfectly all right! You hear?

B... Bowels.

Diseases of.

Oh! Diseases of the bowels.

You can get dressed again,
Mrs Jenkins.

'Pon my soul, if it ain't Nurse
Ball, fairest flower of 'em all.

A present for you, Doctor.

Oh, you cannot tempt me
with strong drink.

Funny, those were my exact words
to you when I first came here.

Touche.

Fresh as a mountain stream.

Why don't you take your shoes and
socks off and have a nice paddle?

I'll get you in the end, you minx.

Well, Doctor?

I'm afraid you're pregnant again,
Mrs Jenkins.

What?
You're pregnant again!

Oh, not again.
It's too much, it really is.

I thought you were going to stop
all that nonsense.

What?

I thought you were going to stop
having relations!

I tried, Doctor.
But you know what it is?

My husband gets into bed and he
says,

'Are you going to sleep, or what?'

And you say, 'What?'

Well, that settles it this time.

Whether he likes it or not, I'm
going to use something from now on.

You better, Mrs Jenkins.

What do you think is the safest,
Doctor?

For you, Mrs Jenkins, a hearing aid!

What?
Oh, dear.

Come on, son, hurry up!
I want to get you in there by six!

Nearly ready.

Funny, women always take
a long time dressing.

Especially when they're men.

This is the best I can do.
Ooh, I fancy you, dear!

Cyril, you look...

You look lovely.
Come off it.

Hello.
Get off!

Leave her alone.

What do you think, Dad?

Dad, what's the matter?
Nothing.

It's a bit of a shock, that's all.

It's like seeing your poor old mum
standing there again.

I think he looks lovely.

He could have fooled me any time.

Yeah, that shouldn't be
too difficult.

I still think we ought to get
a woman to do it.

No, no, son. In this business, you
never want to trust a woman to do
anything you can do yourself.

I reckon he'll pass.
What do you say, Fred?

I was thinking... Couldn't he do
with a bit more here?

What for?
I agree with Freddy.

I'd like to see a bit more.
You would.

Don't you realise that's the point?

He doesn't want to draw attention
to himself, does he?

Make him any bigger and everybody's
going to start gawping.

I could stick a couple of socks in.
No, forget it.

They're just a couple of knockers.
Them, I mean.

Turn round.

The skirt's a bit tight.
I like women in tight skirts.

Especially from behind.

Shut up.

What have you got under here,
tin drawers?

What the hell have you got
your trousers on for?

Nobody's going to look up there.
How do you know?

You're a nurse, aren't you?
A patient might drop in a dead faint
at your feet.

Come to, look up,
what's he going to see?

A lot more without these on.

Shut up laughing.

Did you get the knickers?
Black lace ones.

I got strange looks
from the shop assistant.

Go and get them.

Dad, nurses don't wear
black lace ones.

They don't wear rolled-up trousers
either!

Here they are.
Those are all right.

What's the matter with them?
There's no opening in the front.

Of course not. Women don't have
them. I know that!

Shut up arguing and put them on.

All right, Dad.

Couldn't I go disguised as
a male orderly?

Are you raving mad? Have you ever
heard of a male orderly
wearing black lace knickers?

I can't see anything wrong
with your stomach, Sir Bernard.

Yes, well, I didn't really
expect you to.

It was one of Matron's foolish
fancies. We have to humour her.

Yes. She always had a very
soft spot for you, Sir Bernard.

That's only to be expected.
She admires a man of character.

I won't waste any more of your time,
Pearson.

I must say your pelvic cavity
is very interesting.

Oh? In what way?

It's rather large for a man.
More like a woman, I'd say.

Ooh! Yes, it is.

It never used to be like that.

What does it mean?

Nothing to worry about,
Sir Bernard.

On the contrary, it can be a great
asset when it comes to childbearing.

Yes, well, if you'll excuse me,
Pearson.

I have a lot to do.

A woman's work is never done.
I mean a man's work... Goodbye.

It can't be.

It's impossible.

Sit down, will you? Name, please?

Smethurst.

Yes, I have some good news for you,
Mrs Smethurst.

Miss Smethurst.
Oh.

In that case, I have
some bad news for you,

Miss Smethurst.

Next, please.

Good morning, Doctor.
Get your clothes off.

I'll be with you in a minute.
Not necessary, thank you.

I wasn't expecting you, Matron.

Obviously. I'd like to talk to you
about Mrs Tidey in Bunn ward.

The one with the bottomless stomach.

I think we ought to induce labour
this evening.

Oh, yeah?
What does the old rabbi say?

If, by "the old rabbi",
you mean Sir Bernard Cutting,

he's quite prepared to leave
the final decision to you.

Strange as that may seem.
Well, if you say this evening,

that's all right with me, Matron.
Thank you, Doctor.

Oh, incidentally, I am expecting
some more student nurses today.

Oh, really?

I would like to point out that they
are in this hospital to further
their education.

Don't you worry, Matron. I shall do
everything I possibly can with them.

That's just what I wish to avoid.

I just want you to find out where
they keep the stuff and get me
a plan of the hospital.

But what happens if somebody
asks me what I'm doing?!

That's the beauty of this nurse's
gear. Nobody will give you
a second look.

It's the first look
I'm worried about.

You've no need to be, Cyril.
You look lovely.

Will you stop telling him
he looks lovely!

Well, he does.

All right, drop the whole thing
and put him in for Miss World.

There's a load of nurses
arriving now.

It's half-past five. They must be
going on duty. Now's your chance.

Hey?
Tag along behind them.

Go on, get a move on!

I can't move fast! These damn
knickers are too tight!

Much safer that way. Ask any girl.

Do you mind? Hurry up!

That's it, son.
We're depending on you.

Good luck.
Yeah, I'm going to need it.

That's my girl!

Report to the desk, girls.

Excuse me, miss.

Are you with the others?

Oh... Yes, that's right.

Over there.

Oh...

Thank you.

Name?
Carter.

Carter. First name?

Cyril.
Cyril?!

Um... It's Cyrille.

C-Y-R-I-L... Double L... E.

Cyrille.

A very unusual name.
It's a surreal... It's a real name.

Would you sit with the rest, please?

Can't you sit down, Nurse Carter?

No, I can't.
You what?

My...

The elastic's gone.
Oh, dear.

I don't suppose you've got
a safety pin, have you?

Yes.
Thank you.

Ahem.
Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you.

Haven't you made a mistake?
How do you mean?

This is the gents.
Yes, I know.

(FLUSH)

Oh, er...

Knickers. I mean...

I'm terribly sorry.
Please forgive me.

I don't mind in the least.

No need to worry.
I won't tell a soul.

About what?

Black lace ones, eh?

Very kinky.

Eh?

Don't rush off, love.

I was only kidding, love!

Dr Prodd, I've been waiting for you.

There you are, Matron.
I was just looking for you.

That is the last place
you would have found me.

I see what you mean.

May I ask what that nurse
was doing in there?

Pinning up her knicker...
The poor kid just made a mistake.

Went in the wrong door.
You just happened to be in there.

Yeah... No. No, no.

I went in after her.

That I can believe.

Mrs Kemp, I'm rather busy
at the moment.

Would you mind taking the nurses
to the home and allocate rooms?

Certainly, Matron.
Girls, follow me, please.

When you've finished, Dr Prodd,
perhaps we can carry on with
the business of the hospital?

After you, Matron.

(GURGLING)

(BURP)

Oh, that's better.

Mrs Tidey, how are we this evening?

All right, thanks, Doctor.
Good.

Except that...
Yes?

They were a bit stingy with
the potatoes tonight.

I'm not so much concerned
with your input as your output.

Oh, there's no trouble there.

I go regular, you ask Sister.

The doctor is referring
to your baby, Mrs Tidey.

There's nothing wrong with it,
is there?

No. It just seems reluctant
to put in an appearance.

When you look how the world is
today, there's nothing worth
coming out for, is there?

The world's in a shocking state.
Take the -

All the same, we'll give it
a bit of a nudge.

You're not going to stick that
in the poor little beggar?

No, only into you, Mrs Tidey.
No, you're not puncturing me.

It's for your own good.
You've gone on far too long.

I don't care!

I'm having my kid naturally
if I have to lie here
for the rest of my life!

Sister.

Don't be silly, Mrs Tidey.
This won't harm you or the baby,
I promise you.

I'm not having it, I tell you!

Please hold still... Aaagh!

So sorry.

Mrs Tidey, if you kick me again,
I warn you, I'll...

I'll put you on a strict diet.

That's better. Now, then.

Ow!
I haven't touched you yet.

Oh!
What's the matter?

It's... It's starting! Oh!

Are you sure it isn't indigestion
again?

It can't be. I've hardly
had anything to eat all day!

All right, Sister.
Take her down to Delivery.

Yes, Matron.
But...

Let me finish my dinner first.

Ooh!

All right, Doctor. You may go.

Oh. What am I going to do with this?

I'm sure you don't require
any suggestions from me, Doctor.

Put a call through for Mr Tidey.
His wife's started labour.

Again? Let's hope
she finishes this time.

Is this Sir Bernard's mail?
Yes. Last delivery.

I'll take it to him.
I want to see how he is.

First signs of physical change.

(KNOCKING)
(HIGH-PITCHED) Yes, who...

Ahem. Who is it?
It's Matron, Sir Bernard.

Oh, just a moment, Matron.

I won't be a minute.

Yes, you can come in now, Matron.

Oh, I'm sorry, Sir Bernard.
I didn't know you were changing.

Changing?! I am not changing!

That's a lie, do you hear?!

It's a lie!
Your clothes, Sir Bernard.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you were inferring
that I...

Don't keep staring at me
as if I were a freak!

Oh, you misunderstand me,
Sir Bernard.

Oh, no I don't.
I know what you are thinking.

Let me tell you, I am a man
like any other man!

Oh, no. I cannot agree with that.

What?

You have something
very few men have.

What do you mean?
Greatness.

Oh, well. There's no denying that
naturally.

If I may say so, Sir Bernard,

I think you've been overdoing it.

Overdoing it? Overdoing what?

Work. It's time
you had a holiday, I think.

I don't want a holiday! And will
you kindly stop fussing over me!

I'm only thinking of you.
Stop it and go away!

Very well, Sir Bernard.

Oh, I nearly forgot. Your mail.

Yes, I am! And I can prove it!

Do you hear? Proooove it!

Yeeaaghh!

Has it happened?
Not yet, I don't think.

Oh, thanks heavens I'm in time!

Ooh, my hooter!

Oh, no. I can't stay here!

Madge, can you come up
and help me with my hair?

I'm undressed!
So what? I'm in a hurry.

Oh, all right.

Hello.

(PHONE)

Hello.

Hello, Dad.
Cyril, what's up?

I've got into a spot of bother.

Already? Where are you?

I'm in a nurse's bedroom.
Nurse's bedroom?

You're supposed to be finding out
where the stuff is.

Don't tell me it's right there.
No, Dad.

They seemed to think I was
a new student nurse
so they put me in this room.

I told you not to do anything
that would draw attention to you.

I couldn't help it. If I hadn't have
had to go to the gents to pin up my
knickers, it wouldn't have happened.

You went to the gents
to pin up your knickers?

I haven't got time
to explain it now.

But I can't stay here.
Why not?

Another nurse lives in this room!
So? She's not on to you?

No. But she will be when I get
undressed to go to bed.

Get undressed under your nightie.
Your mum used to do that
before we got married.

Dad, I haven't got a nightie!
All right, son. Don't panic.

Don't go to bed. That's it.

Try and find out something this
evening and I'll be along later.

Yes, but -
(KNOCKING)

Hello? Is someone in there?
Dad, I'll have to go now.

There's someone at the door.
I'll be in the waiting room.

You try and get a plan
of the hospital.

(KNOCKING)
Hey, you. Let me in.

Oh! Oh, hello.

I'm your roommate, Susan Ball.

Something wrong?
Eh? Oh, no, you're beautiful.

I'm terribly sorry.
I didn't mean to be personal.

Oh. Oh, that's all right.

You keep saying things like that
and you and I are going to
get along just fine.

What do I call you?
Cyrille.

All right, Cyrille. Let's see
if we can't make you feel at home.

Loo and bathroom in there.
And that's your bed there.

Thanks.
Where's your luggage?

I haven't got any. I lost it
at...the railway station.

I can let you have anything
you might need.

I'm perfectly all right, thanks.
You won't need a nightie in here.

This place is so well heated,
you can sleep in the raw.

I always do.
Oh, no.

I shan't be staying here.

Oh, come here!

Don't talk like that.

Once you've settled down,
you'll find you like it here.

It's a good hospital.

And there's quite a few young
doctors who are still prepared to
take no for an answer!

All except for old Prodd, that is.

You want to watch out for him.

Do you know, he collects nurses like
some men collect big-game trophies.

Around here, we call him
the taxidermist.

You're not going to bed now,
are you?

Good heavens, no. I'm going to have
a quick shower. I've got a date.

Oh, these rotten catches.

Cyrille, would you mind
undoing it for me?

Ohh!

Dr Goode.

Dr Goode.
Aagh!

Oh, hello.

Do forgive me, Sir Bernard.
I was miles away.

Yes, perhaps I should come back
some other time.

Oh, no. I'm back now.

What can I do for you?
I've got a bit of a problem.

Haven't we all?!

Would you care to...

I can't do it lying down.
Oh, dear me. You do have a problem.

No. I mean I prefer to sit down,
if you don't mind.

If it turns you on, who cares?

Yes, now look here, Dr Goode.

You must understand this interview
must be off the record.

I can assure you that
anything you say to me

will go into one ear
and out of the other.

That doesn't altogether surprise me.

I was talking to my wife
only the other day.

Hamlet, I said...

Oh, I call her Hamlet because
she thinks she's a Great Dane.
Isn't it silly?

Dr Goode, I'm not interested
in your wife.

That's a funny thing. Neither am I.

Shall we forget her?

With pleasure.
Good.

Now what was it I wanted
to talk to you about?

It's the other way around.

What is?
My conversation.

I came here to consult you.

Oh! Well, that puts a different
light on the whole matter!

Do consult.
Thank you.

I was wondering if you personally
had ever thought about the
possibilities of having a

..sex change.

As a matter of fact,
I'm quite happy as I am.

But thank you very much,
Sir Bernard.

I don't mean you!

I mean, generally speaking,

have you ever known of a case
of a man...turning into a woman?

No. But I've heard of one
who turned into a one-way street.

Doctor, please! Be serious!

I have this patient who genuinely
thinks that he is turning into...
a woman.

Dear me.

Are there any physical changes?
Oh, no, I don't think so.

I haven't looked for the last
two hours. I mean at him!

It's a purely mental obsession.

Has he had any experience
of the opposite sex?

Oh, no, he hasn't had time.

I mean he hasn't had... He's been
far too busy with his career.

Then I think I understand.

Your patient is suffering from a
pent-up desire to prove to himself
that he is a man.

You think so?! Yes!

You may be right.
I'm sure I am.

And I would recommend
that he finds a suitable partner
as quickly as possible.

And by suitable, you mean willing!

And able.
Yes.

I feel better already!

For him. I feel better for him.

Thank you, Dr Goode.
You've been most helpful.

Oh, I can't tell you!

I'll get on to it right away!

Matron, any news?

I'm afraid not, Mr Tidey.

What is she doing?

At this moment, consuming
a large plate of fish cakes.

Fish cakes?!

Ever since she got pregnant, she's
had this craving for fish cakes.

Even in the middle
of the ruddy night!

She must have polished off
thousands of them!

I tell you one thing,
if ever this child gets born,

it's going to be smothered
in breadcrumbs.

Dr Prodd,
you're in Emergency tonight.

Afraid so, Matron.

We're standing by for
a possible premature.

Oh, no. I don't think you'll mind
when you find out who she is.
I'll be in my room, Arthur.

What did she mean by that?
Who is coming in?

Jane Darling, the film star.

Really?

Hello. It's my pin-up girl.

Dad?

Oh! Good evening!

Excuse me.
That's all right.

Lost again?
Yes, that's right.

What you want is a plan
of this place.

How did you know?

Can you think of a better way of
getting to know your away around?

I see what you mean. Excuse me.
I've got a plan in my room.

Have you really?
All the doctors have one.

I'd like to see yours.

Likewise.
In your room, you say?

That's it.
Room 15 on the fifth floor.

If you come up in ten minutes,
I'll show it to you.

If I come, will you promise
to behave?

Naturally.
All right, then.

I'll be there.

And when I behave naturally,
I never get any complaints.

Yes, who is it?
It's me, Frankie.

Come in.

It is all right for tonight,
isn't it?

Yes, but I'm so frightened
somebody is going to see you
come in here one night.

Get away! It's only once a week.

But you know how gossip
goes round the hospital.

After all, you are a married man,
Francis.

I know, but as I've told you,
my wife doesn't like it.

I can't think why not.

She thinks it's a waste of time.

She won't even look at it.
What a shame.

And a man needs a little relaxation
when he comes home.

Yes, of course.

That's why I'm so thrilled
you like it as much as I do.

As long as we're careful.

Care for a little drinky first?
Lovely.

Should be a good one tonight.

Yes. If it's anything
like last week,

that was wonderful.

Cheers.
Good health.

Mm.

Are you ready?
Rather!

I can't think why your wife
doesn't like it.

It's the best programme
on television.

I know.

But she'd rather curl up on
a hearth rug with a good bone.

(FANFARE)
It's coming on.

Now it's time for this week's
exciting episode of...

The Surgeons.

The Surgeons, the everyday drama
of a great hospital.

Last week, we left Nurse Spencer
unconscious on the operating table

while Dr Carpenter, her lover,
prepared to fight for her life,

still unaware that
his estranged wife Rachel

had secretly substituted a cylinder
of deadly carbon dioxide gas

in place of her life-giving oxygen.

Yes, what do you want?
You remember me. Mr Hodgkiss.

I was here this morning.
I thought you had your baby.

I'm leaving that for the missus.
You know where to go.

Thank you.

Evening.
Evening.

You haven't had it yet, then?
No. Reckon it'll be tonight.

You'll be lucky. I've been here
every night for the last ten days.

They sent for me.
Don't mean a thing.

That's the way they work. When in
doubt, send for the ruddy father!

Yes. That'll teach you to turn over
and go back to sleep next time.

It's not funny.

My old woman's waited seven years
to have a baby.

She needn't have done that.
No? No.

I had the same trouble
when I kept chickens. Chickens?

Used to give plenty of eggs,

but the hens could never produce
baby chicks.

Oh, no. Till somebody
told me what to do.

What was that?
Change the cock.

Oh, that's very funny,
I don't think.

Mr Grant? Congratulations.
You've got a fine boy.

Oi! What about me, then?

I was here before him.
Ha-ha.

Better luck next time.

I'll get shunted.

Come in, love. Come in.

Gosh. No wonder they call you
the taxidermist.

Do they? There's nothing
like advertising.

Sit down, love.
Make yourself at home.

No, I can't stay.
Nonsense.

Of course you can.

Just so we're not disturbed.

Now, then, what about a drink?

No, I never touch it.

Oh. Cigarette, then?

No, I never touch them.

That leaves only one thing
to offer you.

I never touch that either.
Come on, love.

You haven't come here to play games.
I came to look at your plan.

Who cares about the damn plan?
Plan first!

I've been planning all evening.
It's time for action!

I shall scream! Matron! Matron!
Don't!

Here you are.

But you know you didn't come here
just for that.

Oh, yes. It's just what I wanted.

And this is just what I wanted.
Get off!

Now, then.
Where do they keep the pills?

Eh? You know, THE pill. I was told
there was a store of them here.

Oh, I get it now.

Down in the basement. But I can't
get you any now, love.

They're locked up.
I don't want it for myself.

Oh, go on.
Get off!

Is this the only way
to the basement?

That's enough. We're wasting time.

I haven't finished with it yet!
Give me that back.

You promised you'd give it to me.
I will, too.

But not that. It's not mine.

Come on.
Come and get it.

Oh, you want to play games.
No. I didn't mean that.

Get off! I didn't mean that!

Get off! Get away! Leave me alone!

Take your hands off!
Take your hands... Ah!

Oh!

What's this, then, eh?
Rolled up socks?

Why, you little cheat.

What else you got down there, eh?
Get off.

Come here.
Get off.

That's enough.

I don't want to have to use
any rough stuff.

I wouldn't if I were you, love,
I was boxing champ.

Let me go, please.
You'll be sorry. Let me go!

Try and make me, love.

Who's that?
Me.

Argh!

God, what a woman.

Hey! Hey, love.
Phwoar. Come back, love.

They'll be there
within half an hour.

Hey, doc. You're wanted.
Oh, blast.

What is it?
The premature film star.

It's started.
Is the ambulance here?

Waiting outside.
There's the address.

Right.

Did you get it?
Yeah.

Here it is.
What's this?

Sorry, Dad.

That's it. Let's go.

We can't go on an emergency
without a nurse.

I am only an attendant...
Hang on.

Ah, you'll do nicely.
Let me go.

Sorry, love. Got a job for you.

What? I can't!

Leave me alone, will you?
That driver touched my buttock!

Something tells me Cyril's taking
this job too seriously.

(SIREN)

Nurse, forceps.

Scalpel.

Swabs.

More oxygen. Quick, more swabs!

(KNOCKING)
Who's that?!

Just as it was getting exciting,
too!

(KNOCKING)
Oh!

Yes, who is it?

Me, Matron, Sir Bernard.

I'd like to come in.
Sir Bernard!

Just a moment, Sir Bernard!

He can't find you in my room!

I'll hide.

This way.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Sir Bernard.

I was just in the middle
of undressing.

Don't let me stop you, Matron.
I... I beg your pardon?

I'm very broad-minded, you know. I
might not even look the other way!

Do you think it's wise
coming to my room at night?

People might misunderstand.
I don't think so.

They'll merely think we're having
a bit of the old slap and tickle!

Why not? It's natural.
You're a man and I'm a woman.

Sir Bernard, are you sure
you're feeling quite yourself?

I've never felt more like it.
Like myself, I mean.

Don't you think
you ought to lie down?

Now you're getting the idea!

No, I mean in your room.

Oh. Why? It's much
more comfortable here.

Come on, sit down!

(BREAKING GLASS)
What on earth was that?

Er... Just the springs.

Oh. I thought it sounded like
breaking glass.

That would never do, would it?

Remember what happened
to the skipper?

I'm sure you're not feeling well.

Do you feel hot?
Very.

I'll get my thermometer.
That's not what I want.

What is it, then?

Matron, a man and a woman are here
to fulfil one basic function.

You know what that is, don't you?

I should, after 15 years
in a maternity hospital.

What's wrong with me? I need
to prove myself as a man!

The proof of the pudding
is in the eating.

Exactly. So will you lay the table
or shall I? Get your cruet out!

Sir Bernard, you can't
be suggesting -

Why not? You know there's a mutual
attraction between us.

Working together all these years.

Side by side.
Brushing against each other.

Ohh! So you felt it, too.

That exciting tingle.

I've only got to think of you
and I have a tingle!

Oh, how wonderful. But I never
thought that you wanted me, too.

Desperately!

Oh! I don't know what to say.

It's all so sudden.

My dear, I don't expect you
to make up your mind immediately.
Take your time.

Think it over
for a couple of minutes!

(PHONE)

You're all of a tingle, aren't you?

Tingle, tingle!

Hello. Tingle here.

Matron here.

Oh, yes, Arthur.

I see. Has the ambulance left?

If you could get in touch...

That was Arthur. There's an
emergency coming in in half an hour.

Damn it! Then the time
for thinking is past!

Give me your answer. Will you?

I don't know what to say.
Yes or no?

Yes. And no.
What does that mean?

Yes and no?

Yes, if you're asking me
to marry you. And no if you're not.

I don't have to get married
to prove myself.

You do to prove yourself with me.

How do we know we're physically
suited to each other?

It's like do it yourself
with wallpaper.

Wallpaper?

You don't buy enough
for the whole room.

You tear yourself off a strip
and try it first!

That may be so. But you're not going
to stick me up against the wall.

Better step on it, Doctor.
She's pretty near.

She's in good hands.
Even got a nurse.

Good luck, darling! I'll be along as
soon as I can park the au pair.

She won't stay in the house
alone at night, you see.

Right, let's go.

Bye.

OK, darling?
OK, darling!

(SIREN)

Ohh!

Is it bad, Miss Darling?

Oh, yes.

I can give you a jab to kill it
for a bit, if you like.

Yes, please, Doctor.
Right.

Nurse, in the case,
you'll find a hypo. Go on.

Hypodermic.

This thing?
That's it.

Fill it from that bottle.
The one labelled pethidine.

Oh!
Take it easy.

Won't be long now, Miss Darling.

(GROANS)
Hurry up, Nurse!

I'm coming!

Ooh! You idiot!

You've given me the lot...

Quickly! Do something!

Yes, miss. Right away, miss.

Not to him, me!

It's coming!

Oh, no!

No, I do not believe in free love.

I think it's very insulting
of you to ask me.

You don't believe in paying for it,
do you?

I don't want to hear any more.

I think you'd better go before
you say something you may regret!

I know what it is. There's someone
else, isn't there?

You've got a lover already,
haven't you?

Certainly not! I'm a simple woman
with simple tastes.

I want to be wooed.

Oh, you can be as wude as you like
with me!

No, you don't understand.

I want to be made a fuss of.

I want to be given chocolates
and flowers.

Here you are!

I'll buy you a packet
of Fruit And Nut tomorrow.

Come on. Stop messing about.

I didn't think it was possible

that someone could go to the depths
that you've gone

in this manner!

I'm only flesh and blood!

I'm tingling like a beast!

Aflame with passion!

Burning with desire!

I've... Here, I told you
I was hot stuff, didn't I?

Oh! The wardrobe's on fire!

Don't panic! I'll see to it.

Stand well back, Matron!

It will be all right.

You see?

I'll soon have it out!

You Jezebel!

Sir Bernard, I can explain!

They just phoned! Here's the
message.

Jane Darling has been taken
to Finisham hospital.

I tell you, she's not here yet.

It's true. We were just
watching television!

In the wardrobe? I shall never be
able to hold up my head again.

Sir Bernard, Matron!
You best come quick!

Hey, come on, Dick!

Prodd! Good gracious!

What happened to him?
Don't ask me, sir.

We just found him like that
when we opened up.

He's drunk!
That's not all, sir!

Take a look inside.

Oh! Triplets!

Nurse, did you -
Yes, she did.

And she was absolutely wonderful.

Three little Darlings! Three Dar...

This is the storeroom where they
keep all the stuff. In the basement.

Oh, yeah? Where do they have
all the babies, then?

Up in the wards, stupid.
Where do you think?

It doesn't always follow.
My mum had me on top of a bus.

I'm glad he told us that.
Makes the job much easier.

No.73, it was. Bang in the middle
of Brixton High Street.

So you're a born traveller.

Now will you shut up and listen?!

As far as I can see, the only way
we can get into the basement here

is through the front door
of the hospital there.

Can't be right.
Why not?

No.73 don't go to Brixton.
Oh, gawd.

It does.
Does not.

It goes from Marble Arch
out to Putney and Wimbledon.

It can't do. How could I
have been born in Brixton?

Oh, shut up!
I know where I was born.

I don't care where you were born!

It's bad enough it happened.

We've got more important things
to talk about.

Now, as far as I can see...

You're both wrong.

The 73 goes to Holloway.
It does not.

I ought to know. I used to catch it
to visit the old woman
when she was in the nick.

You're thinking of the 116.

I am not thinking of the 116!

It goes down the Balls Pond Road
and turns left into Islington.

What are you talking about?
It goes to Wimbledon.

What a load of rubbish! It -

(DOORBELL)
The fuzz!

Wait. What are we doing?

We're not wanted for anything yet.

Oh, yeah. That's right.

See who it is.

Papers.

It's only the papers.

All right, then.

Here! There's a picture of Cyril
on the front page!

Let me see.

Oh, no.

There's one in this one, too.
Let's have a look.

Oh, yeah. It's a good likeness,
isn't it?

Yeah, great.

Something happened to the doctor
in the ambulance.

Blimey, Cyril delivered the babies.

Just shows you what a good education
can do for you, doesn't it?

Cyril, a heroine.
Do you think he'll get a medal?

He'll get a kick up the backside.
I only asked.

What's he done?
What's he done?!

He's just about ruined the whole
thing, that's what he's done.

Take it easy, I said to him.
Don't do anything that will draw
attention to you.

He couldn't have drawn more bloody
attention if he'd had the kids
himself! I'll get down there.

Mrs Tidey, another false alarm,
I see.

Afraid so, Matron.

Do you know what I think?
All that talk of injecting me
put him off.

Possibly.
It's nice to be back.

I don't like that delivery room.
It's not very comfortable.

It isn't meant for comfort,
Mrs Tidey.

It looks as if we'll have to try
something else.

Now you mention it, I wouldn't mind
some of those sausages and tomatoes.

Yeah?
(WHISTLE)

Cor! What is it? Quick!

Tell me, what's she had?

Bacon and egg and fried potatoes.

Eh?
So far.

What? Ain't she had the...

No, I'm afraid not, Mr Tidey.

You may as well go back
to your trains.

Again? I can't do that.

What will my mates say?
I shall be a laughing stock.

In your job,
you should be used to that.

I've got to be back at work
on Monday.

We're starting another strike then.
Really?

If it hasn't arrived by then,
I think I might join you.

Now look here! I'm not budging
from here until she's had it
and that's it!

Please yourself, Mr Tidey.
But there's nothing more
we can do about it.

Dynamite! That's what she needs!

Give her dynamite!

Morning, Arthur.
Morning, Sir Bernard.

Sir Bernard...
Yes, what is it, Matron?

I would like to apologise
for what happened in my room -

Matron, if you're worried that
I might be considering disciplinary
action, you needn't be.

We're all mature adult people.

Whatever goes on between you
and Dr Goode is no concern of mine.

However disgusting it may be!

Nothing goes on!
We're just good friends.

I know all about good friends!
I had one at school.

She was the groundsman's daughter,
but she never got off the ground!

That is a very uncalled-for remark.
I shall expect an apology.

That's not all you're expecting,
I shouldn't wonder!

Very well, Sir Bernard. But don't
come to me again when you want to
prove yourself.

I am a woman!
Not a do-it-yourself kit!

Good morning, Doctor!

Have a bad night?

No, thanks. I just had one.

Exactly what did you do
to my roommate last night?

Your roommate?
Yes, Nurse Carter.

What did I do to her?
Yes.

She hasn't been back to the room
all night. She just disappeared.

That's the best news
I've heard today.

I hope she's all right.
I'm supposed to look after her.

Nurse Ball, that girl
can look after herself.

Have you done Mrs Brown's specimen?

What?
Mrs Brown's specimen!

Yeugh! Take it away.

Send in the first patient, please.

Morning, Doctor.

Ah, Mrs Tucker, isn't it?

Do sit down, Mrs Tucker.

Thank you, Doctor.

What's your problem?

I came to see you three months ago
because I was going to get married.

I was a little bit worried about my
husband being able to have a baby.

Yes, he was a bit older than you,
wasn't he?

88.

Yes. And?

If you remember, you suggested it
might be a good idea if
I were to take in a lodger.

Someone a little nearer my own age.

Yes, but purely off the record,
of course.

Well, it worked. I'm pregnant.

Really?

What about your husband?
He's tickled pink.

That's all right, then.
What about the lodger?

That's the trouble.

She's pregnant, too.

Nurse Carter! I've been worried
about you! Where have you been?

Fast asleep in the sluice room,
Matron.

I couldn't stand
all that fuss last night.

But you acted splendidly, my dear.
We're all very proud of you.

No, Matron. I'm not cut out to be
a nurse. I want to pack it all in.

Nonsense. You're just tired.

Take the day off, rest.
Tomorrow, you'll feel quite
differently about it.

No, I won't.

Take it from me. I've had hundreds
of nurses through my hands.

You have that extra little
something the others haven't got.

How did you know?
Excuse me, Matron.

The dispensary is right out
of supplies.

I shall go to my room, get the key,
and meet you in the store.

Now, take Nurse Carter to your room
and put her to bed immediately.

Oh, no!
Oh, yes. Do as I say.

Come along, Matron's pet.
Let's go to bye-byes!

I can manage from here.
I may as well see you into bed.

I'd rather be alone,
if you don't mind.

Oh, please yourself.
Thank you.

I don't believe it!

I couldn't go without
making sure you were OK.

Yes, perfectly, thank you.
You fell right on your chest.

I hope you didn't do it any damage.
No, it's fine...

Oh, good. Now I'm here, I might
as well help you get undressed.

Oh, no. I can manage by myself.
Don't be silly.

I don't need any help.
What are you worried about?

As a nurse, I've had to undress
plenty of men before.

I dare say, but that's beside
the point. Some...

You said men.

You know, then? But how?

When you tripped on the stairs
just now,

I saw something
that left no doubt at all.

Oh, well, that's it, then, isn't it?

I've met some pretty kinky nurses
in my time.

But never one
who wore striped shorts.

Oh, I pinched those last night.

When I split the black lace ones.

Black lace!

I'd love to have seen that!

I don't have to bother
with this damn thing any more.

Oh, that's much better.

You know, you're really quite dishy.

I bet you say that to all
the female impersonators.

Would you mind telling me,
why the hell did you do it?

For a bet or something?

No, nothing like that.
Oh, I see.

You just felt the urge to become a
nurse and deliver a few kids, eh?

No, I didn't know
that was going to happen.

Why, then? We are roommates and
roommates ought not to have secrets.

You won't like it if I tell you.

I'm not forcing you to.
No, please, don't go.

I'd like you to know.

You see,

it all started...

How do you do? Can you tell me
where I can find Nurse Carter?

Are you from the press?
Oh, no. I'm his father.

She's my son. My daughter!

I've got so many kids!
It gets confusing.

Well, Mr Carter, she's resting
at the moment.

She had a very hard night.

Yes, I know. I'm sure she'd like to
see me, just for a few minutes.

Well, since you're her father,
she's at No.16, the nurses' home.

That's outside and turn right.

Thank you.

What is Mr Hodgkiss doing here?

Mr Hodgkiss, Matron?

The man who just went out.

Oh, that wasn't Mr Hodgkiss, Matron.
That was Mr Carter.

Nurse Carter's father.

I could have sworn that...

What did he want?
To see his daughter.

I sent him to the nurses' home.

Did you?

There's something funny
going on here.

I told you you wouldn't like it.
You, a crook?

I don't believe it!

I'm not a proper one.
It's my first go at it, actually.

I only did it to please my dad.
To pinch pills?

That's ridiculous!
Yeah, I agree. It's stupid.

You'll have to tell them, I suppose.
Yes, I suppose I should.

But... I don't know. I just don't
think they'd believe it.

I'd better get back to work.

You're not going to?
Not going to what?

Tell them about me
and what I'm doing here.

What about you?
What are you doing here?

You're lovely, do you know that?

You're not so bad yourself.

What was that for?

For being kind enough not to undo my
bra when I asked you to yesterday.

I'm glad you brought that up.
Here, stop it!

Excuse me.

Er...

Cor blimey!

Dad!
Cyril!

This is my roommate, Susan.
Hello.

How do you do?

Is that the one you worried about
sharing a room with?

I sent you to the wrong school.

Excuse me. I've got to get back.

What do you think you're doing?

Kissing nurses
and without your wig on!

Don't be silly.
She knows all about it.

I know, they all do...
She knows about us?

Yeah, but don't worry.
She won't tell anyone.

That's it.
We've got to do the job tonight.

You're still going through with it?
Of course!

Don't expect any help from me.
Son, don't let me down.

We're depending on you
to get us in here.

I'm sorry, Dad.
You promised your mum.

Now look, Dad -
Gertie,

if you're listening to your son now,
plug up your earholes.

It's too late.

Hear that noise?

She's turning in her grave.

All right, Dad, I'll do it.

Good boy.

Tell me what you want me to do.
Stop doing that.

We'll be here at 11 o'clock sharp,
got that?

We don't want any more
slip-ups this time.

How did that nurse get on to you?

She saw these striped pants
when I tripped on the stairs.

We can't take that chance again.
Take them off.

What?
Take your pants off!

Oh, no.
Get 'em off!

What's going on in there?
Open this door at once!

It's Matron!
I've got to get out!

That's the loo!
Nurse Carter, are you all right?

Yes!
Open this door at once.

I know there's a man in there.

Let her in!

Oh! Oh, you poor child.

Where is the filthy beast?

Oh!

Come back, you monster!

Come back!

Oh!
Shh! It's all right, don't scream.

What do you want?

That's very nice of you,
but I haven't got the time.

Oh!

All right, Nurse, don't worry.

Oh!

Come back!

Come back! I want you!

My God, she's a sex maniac!

Go!

Good heavens,
that's what's wrong with me.

I love her.

Miss Banks, I want to see
Dr Goode immediately.

Dr Goode, Psychiatry.
Can I help you?

Oh, Miss Banks.

Does he?

(KNOCKING)
Come in.

Ah, Goode, my dear chap.

Come in and close the door,
will you, old boy?

You wanted to see me
about something.

Yes, and don't pretend you don't
know what it is, you filthy beast!

What?
Don't try and deny it.

I know what's been going on
between you and Matron.

In her room every night.

Bouncing abut together
like a pair of ping-pong balls!

I beg your pardon! We've never had
so much as an ounce of a bounce.

Don't expect me to believe all that
claptrap about watching television.

The set wasn't even turned on.

No, we had it off
before you came in.

A-ha! So you admit it, then!

Certainly not! I've never felt
about Matron in that way.

But now you come to mention it...

Ah! I'll get the truth if I have
to beat it out of you, you swine!

No! No! Sir Bernard!

Sir Bernard, no! Help!

Help!
What's happening?

I think Sir Bernard
is upset about something.

I'll kill him!
No, you mustn't!

Get out of my way, Miss Banks.
I can't let you do it.

Think of the scandal!
Out of my way!

Oh!

Will you admit it?

I never even touched her! I swear!

Liar and lecher!

Admit it! Admit it!
I'm telling the truth!

I swear it. Newt's honour!

You're a Newt?
Yes.

I've been Master of the Grand Order
of Newts for five years.

Really?

Of course. And I was a Tadpole
for three years before that.

This is splendid!

What pond do you belong to?

Wapping and Old Stairs.

Really?

I am a Grand Salamander Newt.

Of the Watford pond!
You're not!

Glub glub.
Glub glub.

BOTH: We swear to uphold the noble
code of the Grand Order of Newts.

Come on, Mrs Tidey.
Let's get to sleep.

I'm still hungry.

It's not good to go to sleep
on an empty stomach.

I'd hardly call yours empty,
Mrs Tidey.

She's had two of everything
for supper, Matron.

And two mugs of cocoa.

We can't let her go to sleep hungry,
can we, Sister?

What about a nice big glass of...

castor oil?

Good night.

(SNORING)

(SNORING)

I'm going up to my room now.
All right, Matron.

Quiet night. Nothing on the books.
I hope so, after last night!

(KNOCKING)

Who is it?
It's me, Susan.

Here you are.
I think they're dry enough.

Thanks a lot.

Next time, be a bit more choosy
about which nurse
you have a bath with.

They smell something awful.
I didn't notice what she smelled
like.

No, you were too busy looking.

Go on, go and get changed.

Do you know something?
I don't know what your name is.

What is it really?

Cyril.
Oh, dear.

I suppose I'll get used to it.

Does that mean you want
to see me again?

That all depends on you, doesn't it?

You know I want to see you.

That's all very well. But I don't
fancy being a gangster's moll.

I've told you,
I'm going to pack it all in.

All right, Nurse. It's a deal.

How's the time?

Two minutes to.
Drive in slowly and park.

Dad, wait a minute! Listen!

Dad! Dad!

Everything OK?
No.

Prodd's hanging round the hall.
Prodd?

Who tried to get matey with you?
Yes. That's what I'm worried about.

Get him out here.
Me? How?

You're a woman. Flash 'em.

Dad!

You seem a bit down tonight, Doc.

You would be too if you had 50cc
of pethidine up your archipelago.

Talking about that,
here comes our little heroine.

Oh, no.

Oh, Dr Prodd, I wanted to apologise
for what I did last night.

It's all right, love.
It only hurts when I sit down.

You've been so sweet about it that I
feel I owe you something in return.

If you put it like that...

What had you in mind?

I'm wondering whether
you'd like to see...

me back to the nurses' home.

I think I could just about
manage it.

Standing up.

I don't know what it is about
a maternity hospital,
they all seem to be at it.

Just a minute.
What's the matter?

I've got something for you.
What is it?

A little surprise. Close your eyes.

Let me have it.

All right, that's it, get Ernie.

Ernie, out you get.

Come on, jump!
I can't jump in my condition!

Shh!
Bag.

And you.
Get the bag!

Shh!
Nurse!

Get the bag!

I'm pregnant and I've got to carry
my own bag! Cop hold of that.

Watch it!

Careful. Careful. Won't be long now.

Nurse, please to show the way.

Straight over to the lifts, Dad.
Doctor!

Thank you.

What is all this?

Is all right. I am Doctor...

Zhivago.

An emergency.
Oh.

Are they expecting you, Doctor?
Expecting?

What do you think this is, wind?

Don't you worry.
The nurse knows all about it.

You're in good hands with her, Doc.

Yeah, a proper little Florence
the nightingale.

Dr Zhivago?

Worked like a charm.

Cor!
What's the matter?

Just shows you the power
of suggestion.

What?
I'm sure I felt it kicking.

You'll feel something kicking
if you don't belt up.

We'll never pick that lock.
Can't we blow it?

And wake up the whole hospital? No.
Only if we have to.

Do you know where they keep
the keys? Matron's got a set.

Where will I find her?
In her room. Fifth floor.

Stay here with him.
Wait.

Supposing it happens
while you're gone.

What?
I mean...

Sorry. I keep thinking
I'm really going to have one.

I'll give you one in a minute!

Here.

You twerp!

Oh!
Oh, excuse me, madam.

That's quite all right.

What do you want?

I think we are lost.
We look for the...

How you say? Removal room, no?

Oh, you mean the delivery room.

Jawohl. Ja.

I don't know how you found
your way here.

But it's on the ground floor.
Along there, down the stairs.

Ah, si, si.

Gracias, mademoiselle. Gracias.
Enchante.

(RASPBERRY)

Come, Frederico.

Arrividerci.

Here, Sid.
Good boy. You found them?

What are we looking for?
Knickers!

Here, Sid. I found them.

Put them down!

What are we looking for?
Keys, you fool!

Oh, keys, you fool.

Matron, it's me. May I come in?

It's Bernard.

Matron?

Still warm. She can't be far away.

(FOOTSTEPS)

Matron, I've come to apologise.

I misjudged you terribly.

Oh, and what's caused this
sudden change, Sir Bernard?

A desire to prove yourself again?

No, no. I was talking to Dr Goode.

And he told me there was nothing
between you.

And as a brother Newt,
I believe him implicitly.

A brother Newt?

Yes, we're both Newts, you know.

Oh, where did you meet?
In a jam jar perhaps?

Oh, now don't be like that, Matron.

Say you'll forgive me. Please!

That's all very well, but the fact
that you thought I could entertain
a man in my room for...

Well, that sort of thing.

What's wrong with
that sort of thing?

I beg your pardon?

When two people are genuinely
attracted to each other...

As you are to me?
Desperately!

You're the medicine
I've been wanting.

Three times a day and shake well
before taking!

You have such a romantic way
of putting things.

I don't know what to say.
Say you'll have me!

Come, Sir Bernard. Sit beside me.

(SPRING)

What on earth was that?!

Ohh!

Oh, no, not again!

They don't half put those
gas meters in some funny places.

Excuse me, madam.

Matron, how could you?!

Sir Bernard, I don't know what
that man was doing down there!

Should have shoved him in the
cupboard like the last one.

Perhaps you've got one in there...
Already!

My god, you have!

Yes, you've got woodworm
in there all right, miss.

We'll send you an estimate.

Matron, I've got one thing
to say to you!

Never try to join the Newts.

I've never seen those men.
They were...

Let's get this door open.
Did you get it?

No, but we stopped somebody else
from getting it.

We'll blow it.
Ernie get the stuff out.

Hurry up.

Be careful.

Careful.

Looking for woodworm!

Reading the gas meter!

I'm not a fool.
You are if you believe that.

Those men are up to no good.

Arthur, have you seen
any suspicious men about?

Suspicious, Matron?
Yes. One in uniform.

The other in a dark suit
with a beard.

You mean the men who came in
with the emergency
about a quarter of an hour ago.

What did I tell you?!
Emergency?

We're not expecting any emergencies,
are we?

Nurse Carter seemed
to know all about it.

Nurse Carter? Where did they go?

Up in the lift.
We'll get to the bottom of this.

Lock all the doors and don't let
anyone in or out!

I'll find out what's going on
if it's the last thing I do.

Come on, get down.

What was that?!

Sister, quick! It's starting!

Sister!
It's all right, Mrs Tidey.

Lie back. Just relax.

Come on, Dad! Hurry up!

That's enough.

Let's go.

Blimey, that was quick, Doc!
Ja, it's my new method.

I just vistle and out she comes.

Pardon.
You can't go out.

I've locked the doors.
Back way.

Locked. Through there!

Smash the glass!

Down here.

There they are!

This is the maternity hospital.

I'd like to report an explosion.

Here?

Where could they have gone to?
They must be round this way.

No! No!

Come on!

Come on!

(SHOUTING)

Come on, through here!

I'll ladder my stockings!
Shut up!

Mind my baby!

Matron, through here, quickly!

Dirty nappies!

Matron, the wards.

Missed me!

Mr Tidey.

Congratulations. Your wife's
just had a fine boy.

At last! I told you to use dynamite,
didn't I?!

A-ha! Did you hear that, mates?

I've got a boy!

You've done it! Congratulations!

Well done.

There they are!

(WHISTLE)

Do you mind?!

There they are!

Cor blimey! There's millions of 'em!
Like rabbits!

There!

All right, the game's up!

Hand over whatever it is
you've got there.

Quiet, please!
I am trying to phone!

Arthur, stop that nonsense
and call the police!

I'm trying to.

I wouldn't, mate.
Why not?

If it ever got out that the nurse
who delivered those babies...

..was a fella...

What?! I don't believe it!

You want more proof?

Get off, Dad!
He's right, Sir Bernard.

We'd never live it down.
Very well.

Arthur, put the phone down.
What is your proposition?

Simple. We give you the stuff back,
you let us go.

My baby.
Oh, shut up.

Give it to me.
Give it to her!

Hold the case, then.

Here.

You have to let them go,
Sir Bernard.

Arthur, open the doors.

(SIREN)

It's time we left.

What?!

Prodd! What on earth do you think
you're doing, you idiot!

(CHURCH BELLS)

Well done!

Our turn next, eh?
It better be.

You're not, are you?
Oh.

Don't they look lovely?

Yep. I'm glad something good's
come out of it.

Happy, my dear?

Especially for you.

You'll be able to prove yourself
at last.

I'm not worried about that
any more, I can assure you.

Shall we do another job, Sid?
I've got a beauty lined up.

Really? What is it?

I was reading about this
millionaires nudist camp.

If I could get somebody in there
to look it over...

Hey, come back!

Come back, you fools!

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